Monday, March 31, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: The Battle Rounds II: The Electric Revenge of Frankenstein Sequeloo

[Tonight's episode recap title comes from 2 sad facts...OK; 3. First, the Knockout Rounds have been killed off for some Battle Rounds redux. BOO. Second, "sequeloo" or "revenge" is when shit gets repeated and comes from an adage that sequels SUCK. That and Frankenstein is the monster made up of all the crap from dead people 'n stuff. Third, Chris Martin of Coldplay fame is apparently the only person that can answer the phone for advising purposes this season. T_T]

Tonight, with the help of Mary Shelley (The person who wrote Frankenstein; just in case you didn't care in English class) The Voice got enough lightning to resurrect the Battle Rounds for the people who may or most likely got montaged or tiger-fucked but stolen. Like a Roald Dahl book written by a modern satirist, this is a case of "James and the Giant Peach: Big Fuckin' Deal edition". These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired tonight...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First, Audra McLaughlin V.S. Megan Ruger of Team Blake. They agreed on singing "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. This happened to accommodate both styles of Audra and Megan [country and "rawk"]. Rehearsals indicate that Megan might've tiger-fucked herself in losing some "rawk" edge. Audra is just told not to be fender ketchup. The Battle commenced again and Audra's introduction sounded muddled while Megan sounded pretty decent. The rest of the Battle has Audra hit a high note while Megan fights to be distinct without reference to her hair. O_O After Coach's Corner reiterated what initial rehearsals suggested and a bit as to what happened in the Battles, Blake declared Audra the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. Megan is not stolen and she and her umlaut head on home.

*Oh; programming note: Usher is wearing a dumb hat a la Davey Crockett...I defer to this tweet I made...

"Damn. At least Usher wins 'Davey Crockett Executive Realness' at the Voice Ball Extravaganza! #ThisIsTheVoice"

Second, Cierra Mickens V.S. T.J. Wilkins of Team Usher. They agreed on singing "Get Here" by Oleta Adams. This happened because despite them being soulful, they don't want their choice to be interpreted as gentrified [old]. Transitions through the key changes is what both of them are told to work on. Committing to the emotion of the song is the other [but standard by now] thing they have to work on. The Battle commenced again and Cierra sounded very ethereal and pretty while T.J. was too breath and pitch issue ridden. T.J. did improve but Cierra was consistent and that matters more. After Coach's Corner was all "ERMAHGERD; LURVE 'n such", Usher declared T.J. the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Cierra is not stolen and is eliminated. This sucks. She should've stayed.

Third, Jake Worthington V.S. Tess Boyer of Team Blake. Second chance realness alert! They agreed on singing "Have a Little Faith in Me" by John Hiatt. Pronunciation is the thing they're asked to work on. The Battle commenced again and Jake had a surprising showcase of lung capacity while Tess was good in certain moments. The rest of the performance was smooth but a little creepy when Jake's hand was near Tess' face. Sorry, but the dude could palm a beach ball O_O  After Coach's Corner saw divisive albeit positive reactions from the coach, Blake declared Jake the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. An opt for stealing Tess comes from Adam, Shakira and Usher. She picks Shakira as her new coach. *MUSICAL HOMEY HOPPER ALERT!*

Fourth, Sam Behymer V.S. the Grimmie Reaper of Team Adam. They agreed on singing "Counting Stars" by OneRepublic. BOOOOOOOOOO! (Sorry; I'm "wack-tose" intolerant.) Initial rehearsals have Sam being told to be consistent and Grimmie Reaper is told to pull it back a touch. The Battle commenced again and Sam had her cleanest introductory notes yet while Grimmie Reaper was just there. Sam also had improved projection. After Coach's Corner had some interesting comments and some divided commentary, Adam declared the Grimmie Reaper the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sam is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Fifth, Josh Murley V.S. Patrick Thomson of Team Shakira. Team Adam STOLEN to Team Shaki ALERT! They agreed on singing "Run to You" by Bryan Adams. Rehearsals have this predicted in favor of Josh due to genre. Interesting theory, Shaki. Both are just told to not end up fender ketchup. The Battle commenced again and Josh sounded kind of sexy singing the song; plot twist y'all. Patrick's grit is a touch too severe for this song. After Coach's Corner had more of the same commentary, Shaki declared Patrick the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. Josh is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition. -_- Maybe Shaki likes too sever grit and "Cole Vosbury Realness" trophy snatchers from the Voice Ball EXTRAVAGANZA!

Finally, Delvin Choice V.S. Josh Kaufman of Team Adam. It's a battle of terrible head accessories; Delvin with the "Lobster" and Josh with that damn hat. First thing's first, neither have those damn head accessories. They both win! They agreed on singing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered; I'm Yours" by Stevie Wonder. Rehearsals indicate that Josh may be screwed in terms of upping the ante. Delvin's lung capacity is called into question for being all mighty 'n such. The Battle commenced again ("And there's a goddamn steal" Shut the fuck up, we're not there yet) and Delvin won in the first five notes. Josh also tried his heart out (But sucked to me.) After Coach's Corner was half "lurve"/half critique, Adam declared Delvin the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. Opts for Josh stealing came from Usher and Josh is now on Usher's team.

All in all, I'm just going to call these rounds what they are; the Knockoffs. Oh and shit will get real on the show very soon.

Up next for scrutiny, The Knockoffs Part II.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: Four Score and Five Weeks Ago (or Something)

[Tonight's episode recap title is a play on Abraham Lincoln's famous quote "Four score and seven years ago" from the Gettysburg Address and that fact that through television it's been like 5 weeks of the season...or something like that.]

Tonight marked the end of the 6th season of Battles. I was pissed as to who some of the contestants that made it turned out to be; I was relieved when I could call a select few of the battles and I...oh hell I'm not good at this sappy shit. Let's see if Adam, Shakira, Usher and Blake royally screwed up or, made some prudent decisions so not based on voting blocks made up of people who can't vote in elections due to age or apathy 'n such -_-. These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First, Cary Laine V.S. Sam Behymer of Team Adam. They were tasked with singing "Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran. The intent was to have Sam and Cary meet in the middle stylistically. Sam's breath is called into question along with Cary's pitch being too nasal. Final rehearsals have Sam's yodel-ish thing being questioned along with Cary's emotive connection to the song. I was thinking if Sam could make up for her audition, she'd have a chance to win the battle. The battle commenced and Sam's projection was the most improved of any of the introverts there. Cary started off a touch too subtle for my liking. Eventually, Sam's lower registers did sound a bit too bum-like. After Coach's Corner tried to make this seem more even than it seemed [being all "Apples and Oranges, dude."], Adam declares Sam the winner of the Battle. Knew it; she made up for her audition and then some. Cary is not stolen and eliminated from the competition.

Second, Kaleigh Glanton V.S. Noah Lis of Team Blake. They were tasked with singing "Everything" by Michael Buble. This crooner thing could be up Noah's alley; but because he's a touch schmuck wannabe I was rooting for Kaleigh. Rehearsals indicate that Noah could be screwed in terms of going nuts with the arrangement. Then the chemistry indicates that this could get Emily Valentine and Curtis Grimes from S1 [which for those who don't know, when their battle ended; they kissed. -_- It was one of the tackiest moments in Voice anthology]. The battle commenced and apart from the freshman prom realness, this was mediocre on both sides. Noah was too subtle for a crooner and Kaleigh half-assed her vocals. After Coach's Corner took mental prom pictures of these two, Blake declares Kaleigh the winner of the Battle. Noah is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

*Now in the unfortunate tradition of being an even numbered Voice Battle Round episode...battles 3-5 have been montaged...

Cali Tucker V.S. Ryan White Maloney of Team Blake. They were tasked with singing "What's Love Got to Do With It" by Tina Turner. Ryan won.

Christina Grimmie V.S. Josh Howard of Team. They were tasked with singing "I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift.The Grimmie Reaper won.

Kristen Merlin V.S. Lindsay Bruce of Team Shakira. They were tasked with singing "Turn on The Radio" by Reba McEntire. Kristen won.

R.I.P. to your chances [most likely...sorry bout it.] T_T*

Finally, Cierra Mickens V.S. Emily B. of Team Shakira. They were tasked with singing “Brave” by Sara Bareilles. Cierra loves her some Gnarls Barkley so I was rooting for her from the start. Rehearsals have Cierra be told to not emulate the artist who sang originally. Emily is told to commit to the notes she's singing. The battle commenced and apart from the Jessica Childress (S4) realness Cierra was giving, she was dominating the battle. Emily's pitch is improved but nothing I would give a victory to. After Coach's Corner had some surprisingly divisive decisions, Shakira declares Emily B. the winner of the Battle. Because this is the last battle, Usher steals Cierra and completes his team.

All in all, the Knockouts [or some bullshit with Mr. Gwenyth Paltrow {Chris Martin; lead singer of Coldplay}] is coming just like winter on that HBO show with naked people and violence...Girls (Or is it Looking? Sex and the City? The one with Daenerys! That's right : P)

Up next for scrutiny, the Knockout Rounds [or something] Part I.

Monday, March 24, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: MrSwearword (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love is a Battlefield)

[Tonight's episode recap title comes from two main places. 1 It's a spin on the black and white film Dr. Strangelove (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb) and 2. The song ("'Love is a Battlefield' by Pat Benetar because you're giving love to the 80s?" Bitch please.) "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks.]

Round 3 of the Battles took place as Adam, Usher, Shakira and Blake whittled and stole at will and the Voice-over of Carson promises the "heist" of the Voice S6 anthology (Don't bullshit people over this, Carson. This is the Battle Rounds; not the goddamn Hope Diamond). These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First, Josh Kaufman V.S. Austin Ellis of Team Adam. They were tasked with singing “Happy” by Pharrell. Considering that this is a song I like (GURL WHAT? Yes, I wrote that I liked something. Sanction me.) I was hoping this would not be fucked up. Initial rehearsals have Josh being told not to fuck up his breath during a lyric and Austin being called "growly" by Aloe Blacc. Final rehearsals have a reminder that crowd contact matters and that Josh could be tiger-fucked in that sense. Austin is being told to reign it in ever so slightly. The battle commenced and had Austin seem to own the projection. Honestly, the singing styles of both of them was intended to make it a soul classic; but it seemed like a cheap rat pack impersonator hour. After Coach's Corner tried to make the battle seem tougher to determine than it was, Adam declares Josh the winner of the Battle. Austin is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Second, Alaska & Madi V.S. Audra McLaughlin of Team Blake. They were tasked with singing “When Will I Be Loved” by The Everly Brothers/Linda Ronstadt. Kind of like U.S. History, a battle with the Confederacy I don't care about : P Initial rehearsal has Audra being told to keep up with the duo and the duo be told to pick when they perform in unison. Final rehearsals have the edge be made even. The battle commenced and their voices blended together to where I could not differentiate between any of them and that is bad in a battle. After Coach's Corner was all "Whoa; Audra was not tag team tiger-fucked!", Blake declares Audra the winner of the Battle. Duos rarely work on the show and I thought Alaska and Madi were screwed from the start. They are not stolen and are eliminated from the competition.

Third, Deja Hall V.S. Music Box of Team Shakira. They were tasked with singing "Eternal Flame" by the Bengals. *FUN Fact: Music Box is a nickname because she suffered from horrible stage fright* Deja's age is used against her while Music is told to be consistent. Final rehearsals have a slight setback for both of them but the fact that Deja is honest enough to ask how she can improve is amazing. Music is OK. Her pitch and consistency can and should be called into question if it's off in any way. The battle commenced and Deja's vulnerability and singing were fused rather nicely. Music had projection but barely any emotive backing. After Coach's Corner were like "WHOA; Deja is 16!", Shakira declares Deja the winner of the Battle. YAY! Bonus YAY! of Music Box being stolen by Usher because despite the bias she is actually good.

Fourth, Madilyn Paige V.S. Tanner James of Team Usher. They were tasked with singing "Everything Has Changed" by Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran. The intent was to have stage chemistry between the two. The exercise Usher implements is intended to draw the two closer to another from a distance. Final rehearsals have Madilyn say "I've never had a boyfriend." GURL you're a teenager from Utah. I'm surprised "boyfriend" doesn't censored on Utah television sets. -_- The Voice-over of Carson declared this "the most adorable battle in history." The battle commenced and Madilyn sounded less nervous and Tanner just sounded really beige/safe. After Coach's Corner had Adam be all "ERMAHGERD; TOTES ADORBZ!", Usher declares Madilyn the winner of the Battle. Tanner is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Fifth, Dawn & Hawkes V.S. Josh Murley of Team Adam. They were tasked with singing "Stuck in the Middle with You". Like Audra, Josh had to deal with a duo because duos = harmony. Final rehearsals add that Josh might be too stoic. The battle commenced and Josh's performance improves but I had a bad feeling that Ma and Pa's Generic Store [D&H] might pull an undeserved win. Overall the beige/safe/matte performance can be summarized through this tweet I made...

"Huh; so this is what it's like when Valspar dries. #ThisIsTheVoice"

After Coach's Corner was all "Let's get a beer you guys!", Adam declares Dawn & Hawkes the winner of the Battle. Damn. Josh is stolen at the last minute by Shakira. YAY!

Finally, Bria Kelly V.S. Tess Boyer of Team Usher. The overrated Bria is on my personal hate list. They were tasked with singing "Piece of My Heart" by Janis Joplin. O_O Uh-oh. A Janis Joplin song for the bluesy one [Bria] meant a tiger-fucking was in the works [like Beverly McClellan V.S. Justin Grennan bad.] Bria is told to grit it up even more. Tess is told to be more unpolished and break that NFL cheerleader thing. The grit of Janis Joplin is damn hard to replicate but this might lead to a Bria victory *sadface* The battle commenced and it wasn't the tiger-fucking I feared it would be but I had an inkling Tess might be robbed a Battle victory. After Coach's Corner thought this battle was completely even, Usher declares Bria the winner of the Battle. Tess is stolen by Blake at the last minute and is still in the competition.

All in all there is only 1 Battle Round left after tonight. Let's hope to God it's good even though [SPOILERS Y'ALL] there will be a goddamn montage of 3 battles.

Up next for scrutiny, Part IV of the Battle Rounds.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: The Hundred Years of Montage War

[Tonight's episode is inspired by the Hundred Years War between England and France which actually lasted 116 years. It's also inspired that we see at least 116 years of montage footage in a show that doesn't fucking need montages.]

The Battle Rounds continued with Adam, Shakira, Usher and Blake systematically eliminating contestants they won through Romper Room Fuckery (Some by default but pointing out the Romper Room won contestants is more ironic.) As some are whittled and some are won through a steal (And some move on through this "archaic" method called singing better than the other through a subjective lens.) we thank TV Jesus that The Voice is hath prevailed over its competitors Idolatry and that other one; X Marks the Thing or whatever. These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on! *EDITOR'S Note: This may have three montages like in S5. If that's the case, there will be an (M) next to the people that got montaged.*

First, Jeremy Briggs V.S. Clarissa Serna of Team Shakira. They were tasked with singing “Cold as Ice” by Foreigner. Their initial critiquing suggests that this is actually even. The final rehearsal suggests their vocal fusing could've been a general miscasting until they nail it on the second take. The battle commenced and Clarissa seemed more in control vocally than Jeremy. He sounded improved but not to where I think he out-shined Clarissa. After Coach's Corner seemed to reflect the initial evenness at first [all but Usher said Clarissa took in their eyes], Shaki declares Clarissa the winner of the battle. No coach steals Jeremy and he is eliminated.

Second,  Delvin Choice V.S. Caleb Elder of Team Adam. They were tasked with singing “The Man” by Aloe Blacc. Aloe just so happens to be the S6 advisor for Adam's team (So no pressure there. Also shit is no longer fucked up and water tastes like purple now. -_-). In the battle of Lobster-hair and Dount dude, Delvin is actually gaining favor with me (And I want to pour bay butter on his hair). *FUN Fact: Aloe wrote the song after Dr. Dre told him he needed to write better songs. When Dr. Dre speaks, listen* Final rehearsals have the both of them botch the song. It took a rap-style exercise of the song for the both of them to get a better idea of the song. The battle commences and Delvin won in the first few notes. He actually has a level of soul just right for this song. Caleb just proved Adam should've turned for Karina Mia. After Coach's Corner thought Delvin tiger-fucked Caleb [but in a nice way], Adam declares Delvin the winner of the battle. Caleb is not stolen by the coaches and is eliminated.

(M)  Third, Megan Ruger V.S. Ria Eaton of Team Blake. They were tasked with singing “My Happy Ending” by Avril Lavigne. Megan won.

(M) Fourth, Ddendyl V.S.  Lindsay Pagano of Team Shakira. They were tasked with singing “I Feel the Earth Move” by Carole King. [Lindsay got double montaged. OUCH] Ddendyl won.

(M) Fifth, Brothers Walker V.S. Morgan Wallen of Team Usher. They were tasked with singing “Hey Brother” by Avicii ft. Dan Tyminski. Morgan won.

Finally, Britnee Camelle V.S. Melissa Jimenez of Team Usher. They were tasked with singing “Give It to Me Right” by Melanie Fiona. The initial rehearsal has Britnee being told to look vulnerable even though she can evoke the emotion. Melissa's precision is called into question because she is held to a higher unspoken standard due to the fact she sings with her Dad's 10 piece band. The battle commenced and both revealed a sex kitten type of thing. Melissa was improved but Brittnee was able to show consistency. After Coach's Corner had to dry themselves off, Usher declared Melissa the winner of the battle. O_O Adam and Shaki opt to steal Brittnee [thank God] and she picks Adam as her new coach.

All in all, musical bloodshed has been spilled (By contestants who couldn't sing the song at the error of themselves or their coaches) but this is season 6 of The Voice. I'm just hoping good songs/songs I like will be selected.

Up next for scrutiny, Part III of the Battle Rounds.

Monday, March 17, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: Lancasters and Yorks

[Tonight's episode recap is inspired by the War of the Roses' two sides; the Lancasters {red roses} and the Yorks {white roses}. The Lancasters won and that's all the Ye Olde Anglophile stuff you're getting out of me.]

Tonight marked the start of the Battle Rounds; where fan based conspiracy theories as to why certain artists they liked didn't advance are born. Singers advance; humans do stuff; one of the coaches may or may not use their two steals early (COUGH Shakira in S4 COUGH) So let's recant, rejoice and bitch about things through a subjectively critical lenses. Though if the coaches are excessively nice, I will call this episode the "War of the Rose-Colored Glasses"...

Let's play rough and get it on! [Oh; Happy St. Patrick's Day from the recap enthusiast who didn't think through the Anglophile title on the day in which we sort of mock the Irish for existing. Goddamnit : P]

First, Biff Gore V.S. T.J. Wilkins of Team Usher. They were tasked with singing “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” by The Temptations. The edge already is in Biff's favor. Yes they're both old school R&B/Soul but Biff has the control. Biff is told to edge up his performance emotionally ["beg" more]; T.J. is told to keep up with Biff's control. The battle commences and Biff is consistent whilst T.J. sounds improved. Personally, Biff won this from the moment the song was announced. T.J. was trying to be on some Trevin Hunte (S3) tip and it sounded like he was trying too hard. After Coach's Corner [and thankfully no "leg up" pun once Biff's move was discussed] , Usher declares T.J. the winner of the battle. I feared he'd get Donna Allen'd in this scenario. Biff gets stolen by Blake although let's be real; Usher is most likely picked T.J. due to some age bullshit.

Second, Jake Worthington V.S. Lexi Luca of Team Blake. They were tasked with singing “It Goes Like This” by Thomas Rhett. The idea was to have the "younguns" reflect modern country music (With indoor plumbing and everything.) Lexi has nerves as she sings the song while Jake is told to open his mouth more when singing. After the last rehearsal, Lexi improves and Jake is told to improve his emotive quality. The battle commences and Lexi's nerves sound under control while Jake sounded a bit muffled in the very beginning with the lower registers. After Coach's Corner calls out the nerves of Lexi and the initial promise of Jake, Blake declares Jake the winner of the battle. I knew Lexi's nerves would be the end of her. Lexi is not stolen by the coaches and she is eliminated from the show (At least she wasn't DOUBLE montaged.)

Third, Dani Moz V.S. DeShawn Washington of Team Shakira. They were tasked with singing “My Kind of Love” by Emeli Sande. Shaki is of the belief that this Soul/Pop song can benefit the both of them. DeShawn is given the initial edge as Dani is told to use her chest to help with lower registers. Then they're told to not step all over each other or out-sing each other. The battle commences and Dani's lower registers worked against her in the beginning [even they were improved]. DeShawn built upon his initial promise and in a way tiger-fucked Dani out of the competition. After Coach's Corner had some "verklempt" bullshit from the coach with the final say, Shaki declares Dani the winner of the battle. Improvement is the name of Shakira's game. O_O DeShawn is not stolen and is eliminated. This was a bullshit call by her especially when she was all "DeShawn should've stayed." GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL you could've picked him and saved yourself from this shit.

Fourth, Kat Perkins V.S. Patrick Thomson of Team Adam. They were tasked with singing “Whenever I Call You Friend” by Kenny Loggins and Stevie Nicks. Kat decides to size up her competitor as equal but Patrick's second guessing gets him less favor in the initial phase. Patrick improves in the next rehearsal but not by much; Kat is simply told to open her eyes when singing. The battle commences and Patrick sounds better compared to the rehearsals until those botched high notes. Kat proceeds to build upon her initial promise and sound impressive. After Coach's Corner has Usher call out the need for warming up [and a cheap sex joke made by Blake], Adam declares Kat the winner of the battle. I knew it. And at the last minute, Shaki steals Patrick and keeps him in the competition.

Fifth, Paula DeAnda V.S. Sisaundra Lewis of Team Blake. They were tasked with singing “Do What U Want” by Lady Gaga ft. Christina Aguilera. This is one of my favorite song choices and I was rooting for Paula because Sisaundra is becoming HRFH -3.0. Both seem to be even even though HRFH -3.0 is given "power" praise. The battle commences and Paula was making up for her audition and HRFH -3.0 had vocal fry instead of rasp and was flat out awful. After Coach's Corner gave HRFH -3.0 more praise than she deserved, Blake declares her the winner of the battle. Paula isn't stolen and is eliminated. I knew I'd hate HRFH -3.0 from the jump and her becoming of the HRFH Cloth is no surprise.

Finally, Jake Barker V.S. Stevie Jo of Team Usher. They were tasked with singing “Higher Love” by Steve Winwood. Stevie is told to remember his agro side of his metal hey-day and not have vibrato in excess. Jake is told to not be nervous. Final rehearsal has the two botch the rehearsal's first take. Jake's breath and Stevie's inconsistency are both concerning. The battle commences and Stevie's improvement is noticeable but not enough to defeat Jake's clean delivery. After Coach's Corner has Adam wanting to steal one of them, Usher declares Stevie the winner of the battle. BOO; Jake sang better and didn't botch the end of the song like Stevie did. Adam, Shaki and Blake attempt to woo him [cheap tactic used by Shaki by offering to meet Rihanna; cheap ass move, Shaki] and Jake picks Adam as his new coach.

All in all, this is when the show gets grittiest; the Knockouts have their moments, but the Battle Rounds is when shit gets real.

Up next for scrutiny, the Battle Rounds Part II.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: On the Pun Driven Title

[Tonight's episode title makes reference to Jennifer Lopez's debut album On the 6. Don't you miss her career before Idolatry?]

Well, we knew that ever since teams on this show were reduced to only 12 per coach that Blind Auditions would come to an end. With only one spot left per team, who did Adam, Shakira, Usher and Blake turn their kickass office chairs for? (SPOILERS Y'ALL. I'm telling you who they ended up turning for.) These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar and instances of Romper Room Fuckery that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

Getting the final Blind Audition S6 Baptism of Fire, Joe Trombino. A former videHO [video ho] for some artists including Ricky Martin & such. He auditions with a song called "Love and Happiness". After Adam clocked his rhythm being off, he ended up resorting to a Leo Gallo and dancing. Mmmmm; this was a disaster from the start, but dammit if he didn't look like a figure skater on casual Friday. Adam's comment ended up being the best bit of Coach's Corner after they pretended he didn't Dyson VACUUM (suck) in that performance. He ended up a reject of S6.

Second, Kaleigh Glanton. She's marketed by the Voiceover of Carson as a soul singer type. After some CrossFit shit, she auditions with "Have You Ever Seen The Rain". Apparently this chick sang like a Lady Jesus and had all of the coaches turn for her. Her range was way too limited in that song and I don't think this chick will make it past the Battle Rounds. The coaches get all like "You're MY 12th! Screw them!" and after that crap she ends up picking Blake as her coach. Now I don't have to care about her either! : ) Per usual, Blake finishes before Adam and completes his team of 12. *that was a Shevine joke, y'all*

Third, Brittnee Camelle [needs a new name]. She has an ANTM style beef in that her being biracial is her "hindrance". GURL; you are beautiful. No one cares if you're black, white, crazy, old, young, etc. as long as you can sing ("What about record executives?" Shut the hell up.) She auditions with "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato. She sounds decent, but for pop music...there are a lot more songs that are well constructed for singing in public. Shaki and Usher end up turning for her. Coach's corner seemed too weird to give a nugget worth of text to describe. After that, she ends up picking Usher as her coach. With Brittnee, ("Get a goddamn stage name! Anna Mae Bullock did and look at her NOW!") Usher completes his team of 12.

Fourth, Beau Thomas. DAD WITH DREAMS ALERT! After cheap pandering of his kids for the camera, he auditions with "You Are The Best Thing" by Ray LaMontagne. He dedicates this to his kids and I hate him for pandering sooooooo hard. His singing is way too bland for this "blues" thingy Ray LaMontagne is known for to his fans. The coaches realize this and like I thought, retribution came sweetly and this pandering jackass ended up a S6 reject. However, every reject is courteous so he's in good company. Next time, pimp your voice, not your children.

Fifth, Lindsay Bruce. She auditions with "Even if it Breaks Your Heart". Her lower registers were way too shaky for my liking but shows what I know. Adam and Shaki turned for her and honestly I have no clue why. Her singing while it improved, was still nothing for more than one chair to turn. She ends up picking Shaki after Coach's Corner got a touch foul for even me. Guys, Adam can do crossover Pop/Country stuff [Amber Carrington S4 anyone?] like this chick wants to do. With Lindsay, Shakira completes her team of 12.

REJECT MONTAGE! Better luck in the future...NEXT!

Closing out the Blind Auditions for S6, Caleb Elder. With some crappy sitcom right afterwards, SPOILER; Adam turns for this one. He auditions with "Groove Me". His singing proved Karina Mia should've been picked instead of this kid. It's the truth. With this one, Adam finally finishes *Shevine joke* his team of 12.

All in all, prepare yourself for Battle...Rounds. [And Lyndsey Parker of Yahoo! Music fame getting royally pissed over certain people getting the boot. I will too in some cases.] Things will get all you know...Korean War SEVERE Up In Here! (Like I'm making a Ukraine joke here.)

Up next for scrutiny, Part I of the Battle Rounds.

Monday, March 10, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: Pig Five Alley

[Tonight's title is in reference to a locale in the 2004 action comedy, Kung Fu Hustle called Pig Sty Alley. Why? Worth it to me.]

Tonight marks the fifth night Adam, Shakira, Usher and Blake build their teams in order to pit them in the Battle Rounds; then the Knockouts all before the Live shows. Yet not before they can engage in coach banter/Romper Room Fuckery. It's worth it considering every now and then, the coaches turn for someone I like (Yes, they're in there. I can't hate everyone or I'd be "hate watching".) Enough of that sappy shit. These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First tried in the Court of Public Opinion, Kat Perkins. Hmm; I thought of CopyKat when this chick revealed her love of "rawk" music. She auditions with "Gold Dust Woman". At first she was shaping to be a reject before Adam, Shaki and Usher turned around for her. I thought she wasn't giving enough distinction of either country turned rock or crossover/fusion bullshit. After the banter commenced and died down, she ended up picking Adam as her coach. Mainly, this was because she did confirm her "rawk" character. I don't see much of her, but I have been wrong before.

Second, Gabi Ramirez who wants to bend it like Beckham in his own way (Yes, he does win "A Boy Named Sue" realness at The Voice BALL Extravaganza.) He auditions with "The A Team" by Ed Sheeran. His voice was too docile for a song meant to be captivating and the coaches sensed this too. He ended up a reject of S6 and the coaches simply told him to not hold back singing the hell out of those notes.

Third, Paula DeAnda...yes "Doin' Too Much" Paula DeAnda. And she's from San Antonio, TX [where I'm from]. You had your chance, girly; you opened up for Rihanna and you're here? Ugh. She auditions with "The Way" by Ariana Grande ft. Mac Miller. She was decent with the song (Better than Macey Estes that's for sure). Shaki and Blake ended up turning for her which shocked me. After coach banter, she picks Blake as her coach. Now, I don't have to care about this one either. {Seriously, this chick was on Wild'n Out Season 4 [before the reboot O_O]}

Fourth, Jake Barker. A Dez Duron type of performer of sports turned music enthusiast (He's an inspiration  y'all.) He auditions with "When I Was Your Man" by Bruno Mars. The thing is he's decent with his lower registers but sounds like a nervous chipmunk when hitting high notes. Then all but Blake turn for him. Uh, Delvin Choice Award for More Chairs than Deserved of the night? Totally. After the coaches were playing tone deaf thinking he was good, he ended up picking Usher as his coach.

Then, Tess Boyer [Usher], Josh Murley [Adam], Austin Ellis [Adam] and Cali Tucker, Tanya Tucker's niece [!] [Blake] all get montaged. May the Amber Nicole spirit be with you.

Fifth, Luke Cooper. A former band member turned former addict turned Dad with Dreams. Cool points for working in a Christius Hospital. That's noble. He auditions with "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons. This isn't the Song Choice, otherwise I'd be in charge of turning him away. The song ended up eating him alive as none of the coaches turned for him. Dear coaches, do not pretend you like any singer you didn't turn for. Helpful advice is one thing, but don't pretend you were "so close" to turn. He ended up a reject for S6.

Sixth, Ria Eaton. A Jacqui Sandell type of dancer turned singer. Her hair accessory is giving Mathai Live show realness. She auditions with "Cups (When I'm Gone)" by Anna Kendrick. The Pitch Perfect theme song? Ew; at some points she sounded like a baby E.G. Daily but without the talent. Shakira and Blake end up turning at the last second. I have no idea why. This chick's "rasp" is seriously underdeveloped. Coach banter aside [and Adam doing DERP clapping like a seal from Sea World on a sugar rush] she ends up picking Blake as her coach. Team Blake = Like I care : )

Seventh, Cierra Mickens. A girl who after political science/criminal justice studies ended up realizing singing is right for her. She auditions with "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. Her singing was glorious as hell. The arrangement and vocals made the song look like a 70s Disco classic. Shakira, Blake and Usher end up turning for her (Adam, you are a moron.) After some banter involving "penalties" (Blake; you sound prettier with the mute button. ZIP IT and accept Usher turned around too.) she ends up picking Shakira as her coach. HOORAY! Someone I can care about!

Eighth, Tyler Montgomery. His name excreted country bait, but his beef is sounding like a chick (If he knew how many male singers in the industry sounded girly, he'd drop that beef really quick.) He auditions with "I Wish" by Stevie Wonder. His singing to say the least is...interesting. His tone was OK but his breath kept screwing with him so much. The coaches realize this and don't turn. Then came the "WHOA; You have a penis!" schpiel before the critique he needed. He ended up a reject of S6.

Ninth, the duo of Alaska & Madi who won the same competition type Blake did years ago. They pledge that if no chairs turn, they break up and go on different life paths. They audition with "Barton Hollow" by the Civil Wars. Mr. and Mr. Shevine turn their chairs for them and once "Tulsa, Oklahoma" was emitted, Adam was waiting for Blake's name to tiger-fuck him (Usually, it's without the name. The "Shevine" jokes will never die.) They end up picking Blake as their coach. Don't cry over them, Adam. They're mediocre at best.

Tenth, Ddendyl. I will tell you what I wanted to tell ALyX from S2...get a better goddamn stage name! She auditions with "Stand by Me". She sounded like a weird fusion of Norah Jones and Regina Spektor. Shaki ended up being the only person to turn for her and I was surprised she was the one to do so. I thought she'd be a one chair Adam turn but whatever. She needs a new stage name. Also, she could stand to be a little stronger in delivery.

Then a reject montage...better luck next time. NEXT!

Finally, the voice-over 4 chair turn of amazing proportions* [*may be legal puffery] Josh Kaufman. He auditions with "One More Try" by George Michael. This is Cody Belew's song. Back up, wannabe Socrates. After the coaches act like this dude was like...Jesus or something, tell him each of their "Calvin & Florence" ["Sweet Nothing"] he ends up picking Adam as his coach.

All in all, this season could be more interesting than S4 and S5 in terms of contestant types this time around. Whether or not they make it past the Battle Rounds is something to behold.

Up next for scrutiny, Part VI of the Blind Auditions.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: What You're Looking Four

[Today's title is inspired by S3 standout Cody Belew and his post Voice debut effort What You're Looking For which is available for purchase now at *Shameless plug* For those who thought it was a slant against British spelling...nice try, but you're on time for the short bus.]

Tonight, the coaches continue to build their teams of 12 trying to earn bragging rights and mentor relatively new music acts into the mainstream audience. Adam, Shakira, Usher and Blake continue in their Romper Room Fuckery and these are the nouns, gerunds, pronouns and marklar that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First for this episode, Megan Ruger. She has an umlaut in her name and because my keyboard does not have an umlaut key, I have to say she has an umlaut in her name. UMLAUT! She's a rocker chick who's a glutton for punishment/resident of Nashville, TN. Why? Her "rawk" stuff couldn't make her stand out in L.A. Kind of logical but girl; Nashville and rock go together like water putting out an electrical fire. She auditions with "Just Like a Pill" by P!nk. Good song choice, but the chick was way too nasal for that song. "Rawker" thing aside, she seems like a wasted potential contestant. Gut instinct, y'all. Last minute turns from Usher and Blake save her from the reject pile of S6. After some nostalgia shade from Blake to Usher over his "Nashville is a state" crap, she picks Blake as her coach. Now I don't have to care about her or SiSaundra either. : )

Second, Morgan Wallen. The name alone spelled country bait to me. Turns out he was offered a record deal at a young age, but his Mom said no; because she wanted him to be a normal kid. Cut past some baseball human interest story thing, he auditions with "Collide" by Howie K. Day. Shakira must've heard angels having sex to turn around in about 1-5 seconds. Usher joined in and both he and Shaki just went at it trying to woo him. Mr. and Mr. Shevine on the other hand had a sweet moment. Sitting in laps equals love. Singing wise of this teenage marketing cute, Morgan? Not anything to write home about. Yeah, he's raspy for a dude; however, he might be lucky to have a coach side with him in the Battle Rounds...All T, All Shade. He ends up picking Usher as his coach.

Third, James Cavern. His beef is a recurring trope of Asian households; parents not approving of a career in the arts. He auditions with "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye. He was awful. So many bum notes emitted; what a miscasting of a song especially when you consider he picked that song. The coaches end up not turning for him and that makes sense. Good luck James. Take singing lessons and try again in the future.

For whatever reason, Dani Moz [Shakira], Music Box [Shakira] and Lexi Luca [Blake] all got the Boring People Montage. OK, I wanted to know how Music Box got her name and you didn't entertain that, NBC? Shame on you.

Fourth, Emily B. Thank God for a simple name. Her human interest story is a surgery she had removing a growth from her eye. She auditions with "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak. Damn on risk factor alone, girl. All but Adam turned for her; that I can understand. She does not have the shiver thing he does. Kidding; she's decent but a bit too loud for a haunting song like "Wicked Game". After some ol' bullshit romper room fuckery, she ends up picking Shakira to be her coach.

Fifth, Stevie Jo. His thing is that he was being metal turning into R&B/Soul. Interesting transition to say the least. He auditions with "There Goes My Baby" by Usher. O_O. He sounded way too subdued for a coach's song in my opinion. Usher however, loved it and was the only one to turn. The coaches were all like "WHOA; you're white". Uh, James Massone from S2 anyone? Stevie Jo ends up on Team Usher by default.

REJECT MONTAGE! Better luck in the future. Next!

Closing out the 4th round of Blind Auditions, Audra McLaughlin. Her thing is having been put in special classes in school then turning into a medical student with singing as a passion (A lot to take in, I know). She auditions with "Angel from Montgomery" by Bonnie Raitt. Despite the country bait of Bonnie Raitt, Adam starts the 4 chair turn domino effect. Things between the coaches were a touch too Romper Room for my liking. After that, she ends up picking Blake as her coach.

All in all, with maybe another episode of auditions to come, no coach is even close to thinking they have this in the bag. The singers are capable (And in some cases incapable like a motherfucker) of anything and any one of them could switch this season on its head.

Up next for scrutiny, Part V of the Blind Auditions.

Monday, March 3, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: Rise of the ValkyTHREE

[The title is an admitted lazy reworking of Wagner's famous composition "Rise of the Valkyries".]

Tonight marks part 3 of the adventure in which Adam Levine, Shakira, Usher and Blake Shelton agreed and inadvertently agreed to perform:

- Discover and mentor a singer/duo that can earn them bragging rights through the competition reality show voting block.

- Engage in something called "Romper Room Fuckery" in an attempt to woo said singer/duo [banter 'n stuff]

- [for Mr. and Mr. Shevine] Have the camaraderie come across as sexual tension to those who laugh at sex jokes.

All the while, they get the best work chairs seen on National TV. That sappy mess aside, these are nouns, pronouns, marklar and gerunds that transpired tonight...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First of the night, Ryan Whyte Maloney. He reveals that he had some experience with being in bands in his youth. Then the Dad with Dreams story kick in. OK; the kids are important in his life, but to me; this is The Voice. Impress me with your singing and shut it about everything else. He auditioned with "Lights" by Journey. His singing was decent but his pitch seems higher than the song could call for. After an unforgivable pun about Las Vegas by Usher, Adam thinking this one sounded like Journey's lead singer [O_O] and other banter moments, he ends up picking Blake as his coach.

Second, DeShawn Washington. His Louisiana roots act as the human interest piece as a way for people to "get to know him". He auditions with "Twistin' the Night Away". This song is a bit too novelty for my liking but Shaki ends up turning for him. He did have a decent singing voice, but I can't stomach the novelty song choice. The other coaches "regret" their decision but you can't regret it too much if you weren't impressed. DeShawn ends up on Team Shaki by default.

Third up, Sam Behymer (I'll tell you what I told Dustin Hatzenbuhler and Anna Mae Bullock; get a goddamn stage name!). She auditions with "Royals" by Lorde. She's decent until a few bum yodel-like notes turns her on the fence for me. Adam and Usher turned their chairs around [credit to Adam for noting the bum notes]. After some banter and that all that schmatta...she ends up picking Adam as her coach. Quirky and weird chicks do well on Adam's team so this one might make at least the Knockouts.

*oh goody...a reject montage -_-*

Fourth, Brendan Ryan. He's an improv pianist whose "My Favorite Chair" is this show's "Pants on the Ground". Singing before an audition that isn't a warm-up is like eating at Golden Corral buffet before an eating contest. He auditions with "Love on Top" by Beyonce. Love the song choice, but his singing was a bit too subdued for a Beyonce song. None of the coaches turn and they act like they "regret" it. He wasn't that good, but he does get credit for singing Beyonce in public. Bye Brendan. You'll be on my mouth like liquor like the amount of liquor in a Shirley Temple...the best non alcoholic drink ever. *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade*

Fifth, Brothers Walker. Twins that have one as a math teacher and the other is an audio engineer. Twin jokes and small town "Big City" dreams aside, these two come across like a sort of digestible Mumford & Sons. They audition with "Keep Me In Mind". Singing wise, they aren't exactly the most interesting/captivating of the lot, but it isn't lurid. Usher turns at the last minute by pushing the button with his shoe. -_- GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL don't be pushing buttons with your foot. These two end up on Usher's team by default.

Next up, real estate phone answering person Clarissa Serna. She's a girl who helps out at an after school music program. That's awesome. What isn't is her whole "my friends are settling" schpiel. Ugh. At least her audition choice "Zombie" by the Cranberries is glorious. The coaches realize this as all of them turn around for her. The banter is a bit too bitter sounding but I'm happy her kickass singing of this song makes me happy. She ends up picking Shakira as her coach. Kind of surprising considering she wanted to pick Usher at first.

Then, Lindsey Pagano [Shakira], Joshua Howard [Adam] & Tanner James [Usher] got the Boring People Montage. OUCH. May the Amber Nicole spirit fill you all.

Then, Robert Lee; a post office worker from the South; Alabama to be specific. Yes, a man from the South named ROBERT LEE. O_O Another Dad with Dreams with twins on the way (If he met the Brothers Walker, he should have an idea.) trying to make it. He auditions with "The Weight" by The Band. He seems a touch too lackluster for a song like this. He ends up another reject of S6.

After that, Melissa Jimenez. A Daddy's girl in his 10 piece orchestra and had record label experience. PLANT! [sorry; it's a cough]. She auditions with "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys. She kicks ass a capella but then the arrangement drowned to her to me. Credit for singing some of it in Spanish, but the a capella was better. Then Usher and Shakira turned at the last minute...I defer to this tweet I made regarding her overall performance...

"OK contestant #4 singing in Spanish. Lo que tu quieras pero no me gusta personalmente. #ThisIsTheVoice #OprimaDos"

Then after the banter, she picks Usher as her coach. She needs improvement with the arrangement. Seriously, she's in a 10 piece band. She should know how to sing with arranged music.

The next one to audition was Patrick Thomson. A bit of a Cole Vosbury flashback in looks with some "oddjobs" resume whilst trying to pursue music. He auditions with "Can't You See" by the Marshall Tucker Band. He sounded too much like Cole Vosbury for my liking. His voice is pleasantly gravely, but I can't seem to like him just yet. Mr. and Mr. Shevine turn around and fight over him adorably. He picks Adam as his coach leaving Blake "devastated". He's nothing to gripe about losing nor brag about gaining.

*Then, ANOTHER reject montage occurred. YAY -_-*

Then, Allison Bray. She's country looking, but she loves some non-country to stand out from the blonde country singers of the world. Well done, I like her already. She auditions with "Where the Boys Are" by Connie Francis. She does sound pleasant, but she ended up a Deanna Johnson from S5; country bait environment but non-country song choice working against her. I can't understand why, but she ends up a S6 reject.

Finally, SiSaundra Lewis. She's giving Frenchie Davis c. Idolatry Season 2 audition realness. Then she's revealed as a plant having worked with Celine Dion. -_- She auditions with "Ain't No Way" by Aretha Franklin. This is Sasha Allen's song. Back up. All the coaches turn for her and I don't know why. She missed way too many notes throughout the song. I can't with THIS overrated backup singer for an acclaimed music act. The coaches "fight" for her and afterwards, she picks Blake as her coach. O_O Good; now I don't have to care about you. : P

All in all, with maybe 2 to 3 more parts to go, this season will prove interesting.

Up next for scrutiny, Part IV of the Blind Auditions.