Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Won the War: Madonna V.S. Janet Jackson

This is a series inspired by a tweet from perpetual lightning rod for controversy Azealia Banks when she inferred that although Michael Jackson won the battle, Prince won the war. This will be my take on which two rivals in packaging in the U.S. Music Industry, won the war in terms of longer success.

Round 5 of this series pits two of the most revered women in the music industry; pop singer/Razzie winning actress Madonna and pop singer/decent at best actress Janet Jackson. Both emerged from the 80s to become humongous stars through to the 00s. However, both weren't exactly infallible in their careers. Yet there's the pressing question that will be answered...


In longevity terms, who merely won the battle...and who Won the War?


As of 2014, Madonna has 12 albums to her name; her most recent being the 2012 effort MDNA. Janet Jackson has 10 albums to her name; her most recent being the 2008 effort Discipline.
Here's their charting album peaks from highest to lowest...

Madonna
- Like a Virgin at #1
- True Blue at #1
- Like a Prayer at #1
- Music at #1
- American Life at #1 [amazingly -_-]
- Confessions on a Dance Floor at #1
- Hard Candy at #1
- MDNA at #1
- Erotica at #2
- Ray of Light at #2
- Bedtime Stories at #3
- Madonna at #8

Janet Jackson
- Control at #1
- Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814 at #1
- janet. at #1
- The Velvet Rope at #1
- All for You at #1
- Discipline at #1
- Damita Jo at #2
- 20 Y.O. at #2
- Janet Jackson at #63
- Dream Street at #147


Due to the fact that these two have made something of a name for themselves, radio has played their songs every now and again. In terms of longevity when was their last #1 hit on the Hot 100?

*Reminder: Hot 100 ranking does matter if you're absolutely looking for a gauge of where an artist is in terms of popularity*

Madonna's last #1 was "Music" in 2000. 14 going on 15 years ago and 4 albums ago? That's a bit pathetic. Janet's last #1 hit was "All for You" in 2001. 13 going on 14 years ago and 3 albums ago? Not much better, but yeesh...

The last Top 10 hit? Madonna's last Top 10 was "Give Me All Your Luvin'" which peaked at #10. 2 years and from her most recent album? Not totally bad. Janet's last Top 10 hit was "Someone to Call My Lover" which peaked at #3 [I went lenient here; Top 10 mostly refers to 6-10. However, Janet's last 6-10 was the #8 peaking "You Want This" ft. MC Lyte in 1994. I decided to include the Top 5 {sans 1} mainly because it is 2-10.]

Singing isn't the only thing these two have done; as has been weirdly declared "culturally kosher" both have attempted to act in movies. As tradition, both of their movies were read for filth. Here's the Rotten Tomatoes scores of their highest scoring movies as of August 26th, 2014 (Believe it or not there is such a thing as a high scoring Madonna movie)...

Madonna's highest Rotten Tomatoes movie, Desperately Seeking Susan
Tomatometer [critics]: 87% at an average of 6.7 out of 10 rating
Audience: 63% at an average of 2.8 out of 5 rating

Janet's highest Rotten Tomatoes movie, Why Did I Get Married?
Tomatometer [critics]: 45% at an average of 5.5 out of 10 rating
Audience: 78 % at an average of 4.1 out of 5 rating


Musically, there are naturally some weak points in an artists' career when say...a lead single doesn't go to #1 or released singles chart really low. These are the positions at the lowest of Madonna and Janet's careers...

Madonna's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "American Life" at #37 on the Hot 100
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "Nothing Really Matters" at #93 on the Hot 100

Janet Jackson's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "Just a Little While" at #45 on the Hot 100
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "So Excited" at #90 on the Hot 100


Their nadirs of lead singles are something of an eerie coincidence; both happened in the early to mid 00s after an acclaimed previous project spawned their last #1 hits. Madonna's last #1 was the title track to her acclaimed 8th album Music. The lead single nadir came from her deservedly maligned 9th album and its title track American Life. Janet's last #1 was the title track from her album All for You. The nadir came from her album Damita Jo.
Even more coincidental was that album wise, this was a period that both artists suffered from tepid to negative reviews for their efforts. Via Metacritic, American Life stands as Madge's lowest scored effort [keep in mind Metacritic began in 1999.] Damita Jo might be Janet's second lowest scoring effort but it did mark the unfortunate trend that her star was fading fast. The following effort, 20 Y.O. went on to become her lowest scoring effort despite peaking at #2 like Damita Jo.


Now for the final points: iconic singles AKA, the one single people know is by that artist.

Madonna has "Vogue" from The Immaculate Collection. This is critic and Louis Virtel level die-hard fandom's determined peak of Madonna's career as "Vogue" combined her savvy trend-spotting and her perceived knack at artistry.

Janet has "Rhythm Nation" from Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814. After Control est. her career, the Rhythm Nation era would ultimately define the rest of her career. Not too shabby considering this is the only effort to spawn 7 Top 5 singles ever.

For posterity, these are pop stars who until their 3rd albums weren't taken seriously as artists in their own right. Both have been accused of relying on choreography, "sexual liberation" and the occasional image change as opposed to singing talent throughout their careers...

One has had a slew of success in spite of a lack of true singing talent; one has had a slew of success in spite of a lack of true singing talent and having to shake off the image of her brother; one has been on a #1 album streak since 2000; one has had 8 Top 2 albums [6 #1s and 2 #2s]...


Sunday, August 24, 2014

Why I (the blog) Exist/Maybe New Policy

I feel the need to explain why I exist in the "blogosphere" (I'll even switch in and out of fonts at my whim; deal with it.) So, whether you've casually viewed this or have stumbled upon this by some odd journey in life, this is why I exist.


I started out as a recap enthusiast for The Voice. Normally, I'd reserve any comments for other sites that recapped the show. However, in S4 [when I started near the latter halfway point] I noted something I couldn't stand. Overpraising for Judith Hill who I've chastised for a lack of projection, charisma, singing ability, etc. [I've deemed her HRFH or Her Royal Fucking Highness; Tessanne Chin is HRFH -2.0 and Sisaundra Lewis is HRFH -3.0]. Yet where ever I went for normal recapping kicks, I found the same thing. Instead of highlighting other contestants, the same people with undeserved accolades would be featured.
In S4, I grew tired of seeing Judith Hill praise enough to where I started this blog.


Pretending I have a mission statement of now would be stupid. The biggest reason I keep this blog running is to hold everyone who competes on The Voice to standards I deem acceptable. Once I smell another case of Judith Hill, I admit to holding a vendetta against them; but plot twist...it's only if they're terrible to me and get overrated/incomprehensible praise from the coaches and critics alike.



This same "fury" has carried into the other seasons I've recapped. I've hated every single winner of The Voice due to a mix of poor singing, coach overpraise, critic overpraise and most importantly the public who keeps voting for these acts. I demand someone who wins the show who's actually worth my time. Which is why I've been teetering back and forth over whether or not to continue recapping the show.


Just in case I end up tiring of the same type of garbage perpetuated on the show, I'll implement a policy that if all my favorites are eliminated before the finale, I stop recapping except for the season finale.


I can only take format changes and the occasional gimmick to the limits, i.e. the Twitter Save. NO MORE CONTESTANTS THAT SUCK! Sorry. I want a winner worth my time. Is that so much to ask?

Monday, August 18, 2014

Dishonor Roll: Where These Songs Would've Fallen

Two posts ago I made a list of the worst songs in the past 34 years. I mentioned these songs as a special dishonorable mentions list and have decided to put these in the order they would've made the list had I made it more than 30. For posterity here are the songs from that list...

"Viva La Vida" by Coldplay
"Work" by Iggy Azalea
"#thatPOWER" by will.i.am ft. Justin Bieber
"Scream & Shout" by will.i.am ft. Britney Spears
"The Time (Dirty Bit)" by the Black Eyed Peas
"Not Myself Tonight" by Christina Aguilera
"Chandelier" by Sia
"Girls Are More Fun" by Ray Parker Jr.
"Pumps and A Bump" by MC Hammer
"Wiggle" by Jason Derulo ft. Snoop Dogg
"Take Your Mama" by Scissor Sisters
"Apologize", "Counting Stars" and "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic
"RUDE!" by Magic
"Toy Soldier" by Martika
"Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis

Now, it's time to unveil 45-31 to the Worst Songs of the Past 34 years...


45. "Toy Soldier" by Martika - Released in the 80s and heralded thanks to perceived political commentary bullshit, this song is just tacky. No surprise to note she's a one hit wonder who in the 90s went down in flames for a track called [and I'm not kidding here] "Martika's Kitchen". As for "Toy Soldier" the air of pretension along with sub-par production value makes it a song not worth a second listen.

44. "Pumps and A Bump" by MC Hammer - When reinvention goes awry. His career hit a downfall after his financial situation left him tiger-fucked. In an attempt to reinvent himself from the "U Can't Touch This" days of his career, he made an ill-advised attempt at the budding genre of Gangsta Rap. "Pumps and A Bump" is something of an inadvertent prelude to "My Humps" but this song had a touch more subtext if any at all. Add in a lackluster music video and a fabricated image [alongside the song being shit] and MC Hammer's music career would be dead and buried.

43. "The Time (Dirty Bit)" by the Black Eyed Peas - Remakes of songs are a dicey proposition and in the case of "The Time (Dirty Bit)" it went downhill quickly. A revamped version of the Dirty Dancing theme song "The Time", the Black Eyed Peas made one of the biggest stinkers of their career. Auto-tune abuse, a horribly directed music video, Fergie fucking up a singing section sans auto-tune and one of the worst instrumentals in recorded music make this flat out bad.

42. "Work" by Iggy Azalea - Long before she pulled the #8 worst song of the past 34 years, the model turned twerk obsessed poser of the rap game had this song out. A chorus uttered ad nauseam, half baked lyrics and an overall unpleasant vibe began the rise of this recording act (Something I will not forgive the public for making happen anytime soon)

41. "#thatPOWER" by will.i.am ft. Justin Bieber - A singer/producer with less than stellar solo footing alongside one of the most maligned recording artists in recent memory? That along with starting the trend of putting the symbol "#" in a song [For those who want an explanation: the "#" is used as a trending topic on Twitter. will.i.am figured out a way to shamelessly pimp a song in a way that some artists have followed suit] and displeasure on so many levels, this is fucking terrible.

40. "Scream & Shout" by will.i.am ft. Britney Spears - However, his worst solo single was in the #3 on the Hot 100 collaborative effort with Britney Spears around her time as an X Factor judge. Lethargic vocals, poor lyrics, a generic music video and having part of Britney's vocals being sung by an unknown source have this as his worst offense to music.

39. "Wiggle" by Jason Derulo ft. Snoop Dogg - A case of mainstream success going bad, fast. Although Jason Derulo had had levels of success prior to this song and the lead single before that "Talk Dirty" ft. 2 Chainz, he never quite had the sensationalism he does now. In this song's case that's a major problem. "Wiggle" suffers from unbelievably poor lyrics ["Hot dammit; your booty's like two planets!; go 'head, go ham sandwich"] to a below passable rap from the otherwise exceptional Snoop Dogg and a questionable in quality instrumental.

38. "Girls Are More Fun" by Ray Parker Jr. - The song from the Ghostbusters theme creator that had homophobic overtones to it. The 80s were a somewhat weird time. Being openly gay wasn't quite as accepted as it is today. "Girls Are More Fun" offered anti-gay drivel such as "The world is confused, you read it in the news. Every day they’re finding something new." and even worse "To those of you who’ve gone the other way … girls are more fun!" Trite like this getting the time of day was just lurid.

37. "RUDE!" by Magic - A recent offering to radio that should've had the music gods smite the act. Instead, this undeserved #1 song is by an act that fakes reggae/ska vibes and insists on marrying someone right this minute. -_- Petulant vocals, ad nauseam rhythm and a schtick that reads low rate No Doubt cover band, let's at least take mercy on Magic when they end up a One-Hit Wonder group.

36. "Apologize", "Counting Stars" and "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic - The sins of Ryan Tedder are enough to warrant a list of their own. Yet with OneRepublic, the biggest sins are in the form of these three songs. "Stop and Stare" being the most pretentious of the three, this is a misguided attempt at self-expression. "Counting Stars" is a song that won't die having gone to #2 on the Hot 100 and is the most irritating of the three [bonus hate for the lyrics "We won't be counting dollars; we'll be counting stars" BOOOOOOOOOOOO!]
Yet the most egregious effort from the group is "Apologize". Even with Timbaland to assist in production, it cannot salvage or mask the fact, Tedder's vocals and lyrics are just terrible.

35. "Not Myself Tonight" by Christina Aguilera - Another case of artist reinvention gone terribly wrong. For her infamous effort Bionic, Aguilera released this in an attempt to shake up her image from Back to Basics. On top of the hypersexual imagery conveyed in the video was garish, atrocious singing was on the song and the re-branding a complete miss as Bionic was tiger-fucked in sales.

34. "Chandelier" by Sia - There is no justification for a song this horribly sung. Despite being a song about battling alcoholism, the vocal caterwauling and horribly repetitive chorus make this beyond unpleasant. Add in a pretentious music video featuring Maddie from the TV show Dance Moms in a cheap blonde wig doing...interpretive...free-form..."dancing".

33. "Take Your Mama" by Scissor Sisters - Nothing earns my ire more than overrated retro 80s chic. The known single of the Jake Shears lead group prior to the non-mainstream hit "Let's Have a Ki Ki", "Take Your Mama" just doesn't make any goddamn sense. On top of the try-hard vocals and 80s sound, it should serve as no surprise that the Scissor Sisters never quite found footing in the U.S. Maybe if the group made better music, then it could be different.

32. "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay - The Chris Martin lead band never released fantastic singles; even with the fluke single success of "Yellow", nothing of Coldplay really indicated talented vocals or decent instrumentals. "Viva La Vida" is concrete proof of this as its singing is delivered with airs of pretension, its music video being a trite attempt at literal artistic expression and references to St. Peter were made [this isn't blasting it for counts of blasphemy; just pretension]. Add in a really convoluted lawsuit history where still unknown band Creaky Boards, unknown singer Joe Satriani and used to be named Cat Stevens claimed "Viva La Vida" swagger-jacked them all.

31. "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis - The worst of the rest is the debut single from UK X Factor S3 winner, Leona Lewis. Easily, this is the tackiest love song of the past 20 years. It also has the one of the most inane choruses in music; "You cut me open and I; keep bleeding; keep, keep bleeding love." On top of an already maudlin chorus came the lack of range and versatility in Lewis' voice. Subsequent singles haven't done much to help her, but remembering this trainwreck of a song is clear as to why that's been the case.

***SUPER BONUS DISHONORABLE MENTION***

"Shady Love" by Scissor Sisters ft. Krystal Pepsy - Intended to be the lead single from their most recent effort Magic Hour, Jake Shears and co. decided to enlist assistance from Azealia Banks. However, not only did Banks not receive credit for her contributions to the song, the featured spot went to Jake Shears' rap alter-ego Krystal Pepsy. Apart from screwing over a guest artist, this song is poorly executed with the video being even worse; a children's play being performed with lyrics such as "I don't know what drugs is she on/
She gon' bring her friends and we go'n/ Hand in hand that's word to reach on/ I got the purp and the -rizzilific/HE WANNA GET SENTIMENTAL WITH SHIT" playing in the background.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Hit the Floor Season Finale Thoughts

Yes, there are better things to do with time than relay thoughts of the surprise VH1 hit, Hit the Floor, but with a Season 2 finale that's more head-scratching than it was entertaining, this will look at the logistics of all possible endings as to who killed Olivia Vincent.


First thing's first, a primer for those who don't know of the show. Originally, Hit the Floor was a soap opera like show revolving around Ahsha Hayes [played by former LA Lakers dancer, Taylour Paige] and her finally getting to dance for the premier basketball team, the LA Devils. Ahsha's naivete was soon destroyed by meeting her idol Jelena Howard [played by actress and BRATZ doll come to life, Logan Browning] and discovering that Jelena is just an evil bitch. Throw in her mother and original Devil Girl turned Devil Girls coach Sloane [played by Kimberly Elise]; a best friend whose there despite getting cut from the team, Raquel [played by Valery Ortiz]; a whore with a heart of gold Kyle [played by Katherine Bailess] and ex-boyfriend but still friends even though they now work in the same place, German [played by Jonathan McDaniel] and her immediate circle is complete.
Other characters include, party-boy Derek [played by McKinley Freeman] who was Ahsha's love interest for most of S2; Jelena's ex (or are they back together) Terrence [played by Robert Christopher Riley]; Ruthless "businessman" and owner of the LA Devils, Oscar [played by Don Stark] and former LA Devil turned head coach (always lush) Pete [played by Dean Cain].

Season 2 started with new characters and the killing off of one major character. New character one is the cocky at first but secretly damaged sexual manipulator Zero (aka Gideon) [played by Adam Senn]. New character two is the son of Oscar, Jude [played by Brent Antonello] who's Zero's agent and maybe S3 lover. The character killed off was Olivia Vincent [played by Charlotte Ross], who up until meeting hardwood floor, and found by her husband Chase Vincent [played by Rick Fox] was the Devil Girls dance coach who fought for Ahsha against Jelena. Apparently, Olivia had had it with most of the characters as red envelopes had made way to those whose secrets could not be kept in...oooooooooooh O_o

The Season 2 finale revealed that out of possible alternate endings (via the aftershow) of Jelena, Kyle, Derek, Jude, Raquel, Ahsha and Zero...the murderer of Olivia Vincent was...German. O_O Thoughts of Oscar doing it were wiped away the episode before the finale when photos of Jelena, Kyle, Derek and Jude were shown with the note reading "I'm not going to jail for something someone else did." The fact it was German is...shocking and a bit stupid. Out of the confirmed possible endings, let's look from most bullshit ridden to "it had to have been them!"...

Ahsha- This possible ending made no goddamn sense even with this possible explanation: back in S1, Olivia had Ahsha tell the world that Pete was her father in order to gain more votes than Jelena to cheer in the All-Stars game for that Devils season. Even if by some slim margin of validity in the notion that Ahsha took this long to retaliate against Olivia by killing her...makes no sense. She lived with the outcome and Ahsha is too goddamn nice even when she puts people in their place.

Raquel- The "secret" against Raquel was that she is undocumented. First off, it's racist as fuck to have the only Latina cast member play someone whose secret is that they're undocumented. Second, here's a better "secret" that could've been used against her; since working at the Devils Playground [bar], Raquel could've been stealing money from the register to care for Miguel. Even then, her murdering Olivia would've made no fucking sense. No one undocumented would make this much of a fuss.

Derek- The "secret" ties in with Jude in that Derek was receiving cocaine from Jude as he was dealing on the side. While the Viking "principle" of "kill all witnesses" makes sense, Derek was already arrested for possession of cocaine in S2 (and proceeded to put it in Ahsha's purse thus ending their relationship) so he was already busted (and celebrity released) for the thing that maybe could've resulted in a motive for killing Olivia.

Jude- Speaking of Jude, his ending sort of made sense in an episode where he said something to the effect of "the things I've done for that man [Oscar]". Yet his character development was centered mainly on trying to pimp Zero (and get some from Zero) and the mercenary complex to appease his father (who would disown him for Zeroing in on...Zero) would've been flat and unsatisfying.

Kyle- This could've made sense if not for the glaring plot points previous in Kyle's story; getting out of debt from a schmuck who held her divorce papers from the dude she bailed out in S1; getting involved with who killed Mia crime-solving and being Oscar's wire...for rigging negotiations in his favor. The thing that could've set Kyle off is the notion that Olivia knew all of all her dalliances for Oscar.

Zero- This makes 50% sense considering the "shield lover" theory. Zero overheard Jude and Derek attempt a joint alibi to cover up their cocaine dalliances. After only divulging of Terrence's injury to a gossip blog, it's possible Zero could've killed Olivia to protect Jude. However, this was more of a reciprocation of loving gesture (in the business I made up, this is the "shield lover" theory) and Jude would've easily covered his ass the minute before he would've been caught.

Jelena- Why the murderer wasn't Jelena, I have no clue. She had "secrets" against her that stacked up like so...contaminating Terrence's urine sample with a performing enhancing drug...in turn bungling a trade between two organizations; purchasing said agent in the first place; possible illegal business practices of obtaining 10% of the Devils franchise. On top of being an evil bitch to Ahsha, Sloane, Raquel, the milkman, Terrence, Zero, the mailman, anyone who's not named Jelena, etc...it made sense why she should've been the murderer. Olivia had wazoos of dirt on her and Jelena had to silence her.
My theory until Oscar disavowed himself of involvement was that he paid off Jelena to kill Olivia to protect from his shady business deals involving the new stadium for the LA Devils. In exchange, she gets that damn 10% of the franchise.

Interestingly, the cast had a different (and very wrong) idea: Sloane killed Olivia. -_- Let's discuss why that idea is so full of shit, the toilet's suing for plagiarism. First off, Sloane only reappeared in the Devils world to shield Ahsha from the same type of end a dancer named Mia [played by Johanna Braddy] met at the hands of Oscar. On top of that, she had already known back in S1 that Olivia was the reason Ahsha ever divulged the information of Pete being her father anyway. She only verbal hatred for Olivia and couldn't kill her. Compound that with Pete's alcohol problem nearly killing him towards the end of the season and it just makes no sense as to the theory that a Nancy Drew type character would be so conflicted, they try to absolve themselves of one crime by solving another.

As for whatever skeletons German had in his closet, that's for S3 to attempt to uncover. Until then, I'll be wondering what the hell kind of ending the show underwent this season.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

The WORST Songs of the Past 34 Years

Thirty-four years of music has provided the public with an array of intended groove, vocal and instrumental pleasure. These songs are not qualified to be considered as erratic vocal patterns due to their levels of suck.
Behold; the double digit countdown of the most egregious offenses in music of the past 34 years (Or since the 1980s if arithmetics made you sleepy.)

NOTE: If most of the songs mentioned seem to be from the same decade, it just ended up that way. I tried hard to keep it from the 80s, 90s and 00s and even a little from the 10s...but the list ended up that way.


30. "Forget Me Nots" by Patrice Rushen - Sadly, this is her most successful song. However, due to the fact that the song has not aged well and that her vocals are way too subdued makes this a case of pity more than outright "KILL IT WITH FIRE!" reactions that the rest of the songs on this list.

29. "Sexercize" by Kylie Minogue - One of the earliest indicators of this Kiss Me Once promotional single being an audible displeasure is the title. Once the song plays, the displeasure starts immediately as Auto-Tune or some God awful vocal emissions are made by the usually decent Minogue. Instrumental wise, this must be what the sounds of Skrillex or a Daft Punk robot taking a dump is. The fact this song was written out at all is stunning. Video wise, this makes "Satisfaction" by Benny Benassi look like "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat.

28. "Come & Get It" by Selena Gomez - When roughly 90% of the song is an annoying hook and the other 10% is terribly sung "lyrics" with an instrumental that sounds languid and more limp than linguine, nothing good can come from the song. Add in the inane music video, and the icing has been spread on a urinal cake of a song.

27. "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell & T.I. - If there were ever a reason to abolish the Song of the Summer, look no further than the 2013 earworm song that ruled the entire summer solstice. Filled with shaky production value from an otherwise exceptional producer, Pharrell [not counting the suit from the Estate of Marvin Gaye for ripping off a song of his] falsettos of a wannabe Justin Timberlake, less than quality rapping from T.I. [who before "Blurred Lines" was one of the better Southern Rap artists of the time] and add in the video being shameless vide-ho [video-ho] fodder and a recipe for disaster was at hand. Also, the song had this lyric which justified accusations that this song endorsed rape, date rape, sexual assault etc...

"Baby, can you breathe? I got this from Jamaica.
It always works for me..."

26. "Price Tag" by Jessie J ft. B.o.B - B.o.B. was dragged into doing a song for songwriter turned singer Jessie J (The one that wrote "Party in the U.S.A." for Miley Cyrus). Off of her debut effort Who You Are, "Price Tag" was a song that attempted to combat commercialized nature in society. The problem? This song's chorus is counter-intuitive to what Jessie J was trying to do; make herself famous as a pop singer. Also, the video's serving of TECHNICOLOR Horseshit at the Swear Ball Extravaganza and Jessie J's singing of this is just atrocious.

25. "Airplanes" by B.o.B ft. Hayley Williams - This was a song that simply would not die. An otherwise bland "follow your dreams"/bildungsroman bullshit of a song, it's ruined by a chorus more poorly written than Ryan Lochte's name on his SATs. "Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky, are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now; wish right now; wish right now." is flat out one of the worst choruses in Popular Music.

24. "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John - 1980s cheese? Check. Failed sex appeal grab? Check. Limited vocals beyond redemption? Check. Aerobics outfits being used due to possible cheap bastard video producers? Check, check, check. This song suffers from Showgirls syndrome; having admiration in an ironic [but not hipster] like fashion and having fans because it royally sucks.

23. "Jessie" by Joshua Kadison - The 90s had some of the more diverse pop music and some of the more groundbreaking in retrospective lists music ever. This song is nowhere near those spheres. Brooding male pop vocals are tough to pull off in terms of captivation; "Jessie" fails in terms of the "brooding" sounding like a generic version of Chris Isaak vocals and being so sappy it makes "Sailing" by Christopher Cross sound like "Dr. Feelgood" by Motley Crue.

22. "LA Song (Out of This Town)" by Beth Hart - *yawns* ooooooh; a female "rawker" chick trying to be deep and indicating life in a small town where dreams die and Los Angeles behind the glitz and glamour suck out loud. Neat; we so need more of that -_- It serves as no surprise that this was the only song of hers to chart anywhere near the Hot 100 and that success for her is more elusive than Mariah Carey's list of better album names.

21. "Wind it Up" by Gwen Stefani ft. Pharrell - Normally, this would be the spot where "Hollaback Girl" would be read for filth but Pharrell's production value was used properly and saved it from being here. "Wind it Up" is what happened when Pharrell didn't outright slap Stefani in the face for wanting any sample of The Sound of Music anywhere near a pop song. Let alone, a song with all the vocal charm and lyrical genius of a drunk spring breaker with a Rubik's Cube (Also, it should be punishable by death for putting the J-Pop like posse of Love. Angel. Music. Baby in cheap blonde wigs.)

20. "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas - The sins of will.i.am began to rack up with this song from the Peas' album Monkey Business. Despite the song allowing Fergie to exist a little more, it's a horribly written song and yes; this song had writers. Apart from the song title being uttered way too many times, the rest of the lyrics are just brands of jeans and Fergie playing a gold-digger.

19. "Work Bitch" by Britney Spears - The lead single from Spears' most recent album Britney Jean amazingly went to #12 on the Hot 100. Why is this bad? This shit is whack is fuck. An instrumental that sounds like a poor ripoff of a fighting game soundtrack midi file? Check. Lyrics that even Helen Keller wouldn't sing out loud? [when a rhyme is forced like "hoawt body" & "Mawz-uh-raw-tee" and "Boo-gawdy" "bee-key-nee", check.] Add in tacky video work before a stan of hers put himself in her video with cell phone footage and this recipe for disaster is ready for the fire.

18. "We Built This City" by Starship - Logistically, this is Rolling Stone magazine's pick as the worst song of the 1980s. I agree, though one song comes later in the list that I can never stomach. For now, we'll focus on the bullshit that is this song. With lyrical pyrite such as "marconi plays the mamba", an instrumental not fit for a montage moment in the most Z-list 80s movies and cheese oozing to where movie popcorn and gas station nachos feel insulted to have it poured on; this song is simply terrible, Grace Slick presence be damned.

17. All Demi Lovato songs; especially "Skycraper" and "Heart Attack" - There are many more songs to have been chosen when this one comes up, but these two are the worst she's released in her career. "Skyscraper" is maudlin, histrionic, poorly vocalized and has a video playing off the admittedly tired as hell "Desert Angel Coutreness" trope. "Heart Attack" is tacky, melodramatic, horrifically sung and has a video playing off of the really recycled concept of "Paint is Emotion" trope. So much lurid pop, so little time.

16. "Cotton Eyed Joe" by Rednex - A song by a Swedish act of House and Country influences...or possibly Sweden gaining revenge for all of the Volvo digs the U.S. has ever made. Either way, irritating instrumentals mixed with a garish music video is the double whammy that amazingly had some level of success in U.S. markets.

15. "Bang Bang" by Jessie J ft. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj - A recent release from Jessie J that dragged Ariana Grande and featured Nicki Minaj into this irritating mess. Despite Ariana having done no wrong herself, she suffers from guilt by association. Jessie J and Minaj on the other hand suffer from Moulin Rouge tackiness laden delivery and terrible rapping "respectively". Add in a cliched 60s/70s instrumental that sounds like a rough draft of an Agent Cody Banks theme song and eerily early praise from TheBacklot contributing editor Ed Kennedy...

"Jessie J‘s new song 'Bang Bang' featuring Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj has dropped and it’s pretty awesome...I can totally see this in every drag show you see for the next six months, and the bump and grind nature will make it a favorite of go-go boys as well, especially once a few top DJs get their hands on it."
- Ed Kennedy, http://www.thebacklot.com/meme-bryan-singer-michael-egan-pat-robertson-public-sex-meghan-mccain-sarah-palin/07/2014/

...and all hope is lost if a song that terrible cannot be read for filth on any other website.

14. "Big Hoops (Bigger the Better)" by Nelly Furtado - This is how not to usher in a new era of artist. Though Interscope Records could be blamed for this due to lack of promotion of this song and its album Spirit Indestructible, Furtado must take righteous hits for a song like this. The song is intended to be one of these "OMG! I need a GURLS NIGHT OUT!" songs. One problem: this track would give more people agoraphobia if played anywhere near them. Weak production value, Furtado's vocals at their most inaudible and a song whose hook is about earrings is a recipe for a flop.

13. "Super Bass" & "Stupid Hoe" by Nicki Minaj - The sins of Nicki Minaj are numerous in terms of female acts in popular culture. The two best instances of this are some of the worst rap songs a female rapper has ever recorded. "Super Bass" is an earworm song that's the result of female rappers of the past falling way out of the spotlight. Also, the song is straight up atrocious. "Stupid Hoe" is a poorly made diss track against Lil' Kim. Add in highlighters on acid like visuals and the stripper pole cage from Shakira's "She Wolf" video and the fact that the "chorus" is simply philistine cooing of "You a Stupid Hoe", and these two songs are proof that female Hip-Hop/Rap is on the verge of being permanently "Kevorkian'd".

12. "Roar" by Katy Perry - Katy Perry: the List of Prom Themes that Gained Sentience. Even with the fluke exceptions of "Hot 'N Cold" and "Firework", Perry has committed some pop music sins. None more so egregious than the lead single from her most recent effort, Prism. A lyric video for the song in emoji, a video that makes Dora the Explorer's adventures look like a Jane Goodall piece by comparison and some of the worst singing in Perry's career (Believe me when I indicate that that was saying something.) Aside from accusations of beat-jacking "Brave" by Sara Bareilles, "Roar" suffers from the amount of overexposure it had on top of the flaws of the song.

11. "Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith - Children are not exempt from criticism. The debut single from Will Smith's daughter and a novelty song at best? I can live with that much. What I refuse to do is infantilize an act in the music industry just because of how young she is; especially when a song this awful is put to the side because it's not "culturally kosher" to criticize children. Apart from an annoying hook, sorely underdeveloped singing and a really bad music video [giving Kidz Bop aesthete and everything] and this is proof that some kids need hobbies [or a coloring book].

10. "Give Me All Your Luvin'" by Madonna ft. Nicki Minaj & M.I.A. - When Madonna songs miss, they miss hard. Case in point, the lead single for Madge's most recent effort MDNA. Released to pimp her album and tour and something Stephen Colbert calls the Superb Owl, "Give Me All Your Luvin'" is inexcusably horrible for these reasons: First off, "Luvin'" was something barely given in the 70s during the halcyon of the sexual revolution. Second, the instrumental is the weakest faux 60s bullshit her producer team had made for her. Third, Nicki Minaj has more lines in this song than M.I.A. and that is just wrong. On top of that, a shitty music video in cheap ass Superb Owl inspired football gear and cheerleading bullshit made this one of the worst musical and visual experiences I've ever had.

9. "We R Who We R" by Ke$ha - Considering this is Ke$ha, believe me when I show restraint by picking her worst song and keeping it singular. Some of the most unforgivable lyrics have been spouted from this song; case in point:

“And yes of course we does; we runnin’ this town just like a club; and no you don’t wanna mess with us; got Jesus on my necklace-ace-ace”

Add in the fact that this is another fakakta song of hers to feature auto-tune, the music video being stupid and this song being nothing more than fourth tier level "self confidence anthem" and that recipe for disaster has been published.

8. "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX - This is the worst female rap song in existence...not by Nicki Minaj. It's still really terrible for these reasons: First, the "rapper" in question being a model turned twerk obsessed poser with no rap ability whatsoever. Second, the horrendous guest vocals of Charli XCX who ends up sounding like a petulant child playing a game but calling everyone a cheater. Add in the overrated acclaim for her music video of the song; if you base no creativity of your own, "remake" Clueless and apparently the internet will fucking love you.

7. "I Love It" by Icona Pop ft. Charli XCX - Mindless pop music is nothing new, but goddamn is this song horridly mindless. The only known lyrics of this song include "I'm a 90s bitch", "I don't care!", "I love it!" and "I crash my car into a bridge..." If not for the fact 6 songs ahead of it are worse than this, this song would easily be considered the worst of the past 10-20 years. [Also, Charli XCX needs to stop being a thing already.]

6. "Bette Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes - This happens to have been in the same decade of release as "We Built This City" and this song is just as pitiful but is in leagues much worse in my eyes. There is a difference between rasp and what was actually emitted from Kim Carnes back then. Rasp is supposed to be the female vocal equivalent of gravelly vocals in men; think Janis Joplin conveying all sorts of messed up shit with rasp and grit. Kim Carnes is an example of vocal fry or being unable to sing or speak properly due to the voice being shot to hell. Sadly, no one had the heart to tell her (And she had the delusion to think she was amazing.) and instead the only hit she ever had became her last.

5. "4 Minutes" by Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake & Timbaland - The second worst lead single of Madge's career. Released as the lead single for Hard Candy, this was intended to follow up the success of "Hung Up" from Confessions on a Dance Floor. Do not let the chart placement of #3 on the Hot 100 fool you; this song is awful. Terrible production value from an otherwise great producer in Timbaland, Justin Timberlake giving corny lyrics the time of day and some of Madonna's most excruciatingly languid singing in her career compose of this lump of coal of a song. Also, the music video is among one of the dumbest ever made; Madge and JT escape a deteriorating world around them and then end up watching dancers on top of cars and treadmills were there too ("Auntie Em! Please rescue me from that horrible dream!" Me to someone in Dorothy voice reacting to a stupid music video.)

4. "American Life" by Madonna - Though "4 Minutes" was horrendous, "American Life" is God-awful trash that she did nothing to prevent from release. For the album of the same name, this single was released but contained a very unfortunate rap section at the hand of her producer at the time, Mirwais Ahmadza├», insisted she do and this is what we were punished with...

"I'm drinking a Soy latte 
 I get a double shot-tay 
 It goes right through my bod-day 
 And you know I'm satisfied,
 I drive my Mini cooper 
 And I'm feeling super-duper 
 Yo they tell I'm a trooper 
 And you know I'm satisfied 
 I do yoga and pilates 
 And the room is full of hotties 
 So I'm checking out the bodies 
 And you know I'm satisfied"

"I'd like to express my extreme point of view 
 I'm not Christian and I'm not a Jew 
 I'm just living out the American dream 
 And I just realized that nothing is what it seems."

The worst part of this is that this was supposed to serve as the theme to the album; calling out materialism and trying to be deep...O_O Instead, this served as a reminder that when Madonna songs miss, they miss hard.

3. "Wrecking Ball" & "We Can't Stop" by Miley Cyrus - Like Iggy Azalea was going to be the only twerk obsessed poser on this list. These two songs represent the worst way a music act tries a new image and supposedly a new sound. "Wrecking Ball" as a song is a misguided attempt at self-expression post breakup. Vocally, this warrants more goat-like accusations than Shakira had ever gotten. The music video was a misguided attempt at artistic integrity and tasteful nudity. What it ended up being was her licking a sledgehammer and riding an actual wrecking ball naked. Because those things clearly say "My relationship was tumultuous and now I'm free." -_- "We Can't Stop" is a song relying on poorly executed shock value of trying ecstasy and bragging about all of the illicit substances you ingest now that you're all "edgy". Also, the production was awful, the singing worse and the music video was just repugnant.

2. "Baby" by Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris - Easily, the worst song of the new millennium. The "Biebs" is also easily the worst male vocalist of the past 10 years. Yet "Baby" manages to drag Ludacris and almost taint his name with a song this juvenile in production, videography and vocally. Someday when he hits puberty and his amygdala no longer acts as his only main cranial function, he'll realize the error of his [or his management's] ways and may finally go away.


Dishonorable Mentions
Some restraint needed to be shown when selection for this list was being made. The following songs are still terrible but narrowly missed the Top 30...

"Viva La Vida" by Coldplay
"Work" by Iggy Azalea
"#thatPOWER" by will.i.am ft. Justin Bieber
"Scream & Shout" by will.i.am ft. Britney Spears
"The Time (Dirty Bit)" by the Black Eyed Peas
"Not Myself Tonight" by Christina Aguilera
"Chandelier" by Sia
"Girls Are More Fun" by Ray Parker Jr.
"Pumps and A Bump" by MC Hammer
"Wiggle" by Jason Derulo ft. Snoop Dogg
"Take Your Mama" by Scissor Sisters
"Apologize", "Counting Stars" and "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic
"RUDE!" by Magic
"Toy Soldier" by Martika
"Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis
Any country song made in 2013-2014 known in its form as "Bro Country"

Now for the Worst Song of the Past 34 Years...

1. "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey - This song epitomizes tackiness and undeserved accolades throughout the years. Steve Perry has been called one of the greatest vocalists of all time. I couldn't disagree more; strained vocals over one of the worst musical accompaniments in the past 34 years. That instrumental reeks of movie montage horseshit. This song just makes me think of bad things all the time, just like the other tracks mentioned on this list.

***UPDATE: Apart from adding the Martika and the Leona Lewis songs, I'd like to take the time to point out another awful song that despite missing the list is simply horrible on many accounts.***

Super Happy Family Wish Show Dishonorable Mention:

"Shark In the Water" by VV Brown - Sometimes in popular music, recording acts like to draw inspiration and/or establish grooves based on the 40s, 50s and 60s. VV Brown's known song is the wrong way of doing such a thing. Despite piqued curiosity of the instrumental, the singing is barely audible; lyricism is below sub-par quality ["Baby there's a shark in the water; I saw them barking at the moon."]; and the video is just bad. Well at least one of them is; the one that doesn't totally suck is the one that featured the current at the time of release cast of the Canadian teen drama, Degrassi. The other one? Walking around on a sunny day, looking like she tried too hard to be cool. Yeesh; this song and video are horrendously bad.