Saturday, May 30, 2015

Katharine McPhee NEEDS TO STOP

As I was lollygagging on the internet, I stumbled upon awfulness from a former American Idol runner-up...but not just any former runner-up; it's the one who lost to Taylor Hicks...Katharine McPhee.

Yes, it appears the one who spawned "McPheever" is apparently back in an attempt to spread her contagion of 3rd tier Bonnie McKee style pop music (Bonnie McKee of course being the 3rd rate Katy Perry because more people have heard of Neon Hitch.) to the masses as opposed to the hall of mirrors she's used to performing in.

The stunt she pulled is in the form of a song called "Lick My Lips" from her 4th collective and 3rd "proper" album, Hysteria (which more or less is slated to go Bus Pass on Tidal). With a running time of 2:35, the nicest thing I can say about this is that it's showing Meghan Trainor that a pop song can be WAY shorter than hers.

As for what the video/song entails? Here's a list of things WRONG with the "effort":

- Mixing pop star tropes of 50s chic, leather/pleather sex monster and food as sex visuals to a clusterfuck effect [on a good day].

- Having the aesthetic of diluted Lana Del Rey's H&M ads, Amy Winehouse for Halloween costume in a bag and Charlotte "was she really famous in the States at all?" Church's "pleather" days and thinking it was a good idea.

- Dead eyes on the lead (At least pretend YOU like your song and video).

- Having the "nonchalant" brief of the video extras and love interest read as "I would rather be passing a rock formation through my urethra than do this shit".

Apart from those things, the video was also run amok by giant fucking combs. Seriously; the oversized dessert props were one thing, but the combs in this video must've bathed in HGH for at least a month.

So the $1,000,000 question here is, why is Katharine McPhee doing this? Apparently, she wants to distract us from the fact that with the maybe exception of the CBS show, Scorpion, her side hustle of acting has essentially been a near utter disaster. Smash did nothing for her as did anything else you can bother to look up on Wikipedia on your own time.

With a song that sucks, video that's atrocious and an attempt to resurrect a long since dead music career, Katharine...YOU NEED TO STOP...

- Before you're certified Chinet Compartment Trays on the iHeartRadio app.

- Before you make Taylor Hicks look like Taylor Swift in album sales.

- Before you're certified Candies Wooden Soles in pre-order sales...please. STOP. immediately.

It's for our and your own good.

Don't believe the level of suck/fail this emits? I warned you; the video is below...

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Voice S8: FINALE (Part II)

Now to find out in the last 5 minutes of the show just how much Sawyer ran away with a title he doesn't deserve.

Before that, here are some thoughts on how they occupied time to get there...

The Top 20 gave a fun. tribute...literally; they sang songs by the Nate Ruess led band.

Joshua and his bring back performance people were Deanna Johnson (YAY), Brian Johnson, Corey Kent White and that Kimberly Nichole noun. They ended up singing "She Talks to Angels" by The Black Crows.


Meghan Trainor sounded great live with "Dear Future Husband". Probably a first for her, but I'm happy.

Koryn & Kelly Clarkson sounded great together.

Meghan brought back Sarah Potenza...seriously; only one person? Screw off. They sang "Piece of My Heart" by Janis Joplin.

Maroon 5 debuted their terrible song, "This Summer's Gonna Hurt Like a Motherfucker". Seriously, the alleged lyrics make it seem like a 12 year old with vague knowledge of Instagram behavior "wrote" this with a crayon.

Sheryl Crow performed with Joshua and they seemed to fit as a musical pair. Safe choices nowadays with not much but earnest demeanors and a smile to their names.

*filler in the form of Luke Bryan*

Koryn brought back Caitlin Caporale AND India Carney [Lexi Davila, Mia Z and Tonya Boyd-Cannon too] for a performance of "Uptown Funk" by Mark Ronson/Bruno Mars.

*filler in the form of Ed Sheeran*

Kelly Clarkson performed again with Meghan on Kelly's song "Invincible".

Sawyer brought back Brooke Adee, Mia Z and Lowell Oakley..."great" choices...


4th place: Koryn of Team Pharrell. ONCE AGAIN, my favorite loses.

3rd place: Joshua Davis of Team Adam. More than I expected.

Runner-up: Meghan Linsey of Team Blake.

The Voice, S8: Sawyer of Team Pharrell. ABOLISH iTunes voting NOW.

At least a coach not named Adam or Blake won, so there's something good after all. Whatever.

Well that wraps up S8. I'll probably be back for S9 because American Idol is announced as dead in 2016 and that The Voice is the last of the apparent dying breed of the singing competition show. You've had 8 seasons to make a Kelly Clarkson and you've fucked it up 8 times, y'all.

Maybe see you for S9.

Monday, May 18, 2015

The Voice S8: FINALE (Part I)

The end of S8 of the NBC Program with Ratings couldn't come fast enough. Seriously; despite Koryn Hawthorne making the finale (which congratulations on doing such a thing, gurl), the show's voting is cumulative...with an iTunes voting bonus...of which since its Live Shows (Week 2 of real competition) onwards, Sawyer has 7 iTunes bonuses. -_-

I'd encourage people who vote like I do (in terms of talent and not thinking "He's so cute and plays the acoustic guitar & THAT'S real music.") but it's fucking pointless. Screwing with the voting for fun would do nothing. Just know iTunes voting block; you all are fucking idiots who don't have taste and are the reason music is suffering from a dearth of creative/unique talent breaking through.

So tonight and tomorrow's recap will simply be reposting the shadiest things I said on Twitter. I mean...I'm going to be disgusted with the show's outcome because it's the EIGHTH season in which I didn't vote for the winner for liking them; Craig Wayne Boyd got my votes because I despised Team Adam for S7 (OK, my mental gymnastics had me think this was a Team Gwen co-sign).

So here's my shadiest nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery and FlirtCruiting about Joshua, Sawyer and the Coaches...OK some recapping too...

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The Voice S8: To Come So Far...

Like a good person, I know everyone wants a quickie.

So are the two good contestants of Season 8, India Carney and Koryn Hawthorne still in the competition?

NO...well Koryn's still here which I'm not mad at...

India and Koryn were in the Bottom 2 and it was horrible having to choose. I chose India and instead Koryn went through. I'm not too mad at any Team Koryn person. It's the bitter Kimberly Nichole fans I'll blame for this.

You see, when she went home it should've been a moment where the Team Xtina standom were to unite to have their coach have a chance at winning a season. Instead, like the critics with Kimberly, they could never like India and decided Xtina should lose because we Team India people kept winning fair and square.

Team Adam blind loyalists, Sawyer Fredericks fans and Voice critics are some of the people I choose to blame for this. Don't worry; I can help craft revenge just fine...just look at who won S7. [SIDE NOTE: Craig Wayne Boyd was featured in a Nissan commercial tonight which is sad if you consider that's the most airplay a Voice winner has ever had].

I'll let Meghan Linsey slide on this. I've already repented for my bitter tongue against her.

That aside, it's time for a simple but lethal form of shade known as a Haiku Diss. It's essentially shit talking in poetry and will describe the ones on the show that I ever so loathe:

Sawyer's Haiku Diss(es):

All he is, is why
NO ONE with iTunes access
should vote for The Voice.

White kid with guitar
a huge artistic black hole
"but he's so cute right?" -_- [sarcasm face on FLEEK]

Pharrell might win this
but at a terrible cost;
Sawyer's now a thing.

All the voters did
was say "Underdeveloped
singing is OK".

Joshua's Haiku Diss(es):

Why need sleeping aides
when Joshua's a living
NyQuil PM dose?

He is a hybrid
of Simon and Garfunkel with
even less talent.

Good for Adam that
Joshua squeaked through based on
such blind loyalty.

The wrong underdog
that got to The Voice finals;
Screw "Team Adam" stans.

With that out of my system, I encourage voting activity for Koryn Hawthorne & Meghan Linsey. Spite for Sawyer at all costs.

Look for me next week for Koryn's segment...

Monday, May 11, 2015

The Voice S8: 5 to Life

As the competition dwindles down, let me just say that India Carney and Koryn Hawthorne making it to the Final 5 is amazing. I have a 40% chance of having someone I've liked from the beginning win The Voice; my highest percentage to date.
Although vanquishing the likes of Sawyer Fredericks seems unlikable (All the more reason to abolish iTunes voting methods.) the other major overrated players have long since failed.

Tonight we'll see what havoc Mr. and Mr. Shevine, Xtina and Pharrell have wrought for the contestants (Piss poor song choices, inability to truly break an artist to do better, etc.) in the hopes somebody from the show can do better than a #9 debut/peak with less than 50K in the first week (*glares at the She-Devil who won S3 and made me hate iTunes voting*).

These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery and FlirtCruiting that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Voice S8: Upset

I'm either hoping for an upset or am just going to be upset than defeated yet again.

Well, here's who's still in the competition...

1. Sawyer Fredericks of Team Pharrell; which reminds me that iTunes voting should be abolished. It only enables overrated people and is preventing underdogs from succeeding on this show.

2. Meghan Linsey of Team Blake. "Amazing Grace"/religious tunes strike a chord with people so I'm not terribly surprised.

3. Koryn Hawthorne of Team Pharrell. I HAVE A FAVORITE LEFT. Thank God.

4. Joshua Davis of Team Adam. -_-

Bottom 2: India Carney & Kimberly Nichole of Team Xtina

Who went home: KIMBERLY NICHOLE of Team Xtina. WE DID IT INDIA FANS!

Well, I'm in for at least one more week. See you at The Top 5 performances.

SIDE NOTE: Voice alumnae Jacquie Lee was fabulous on tonight's show opening things up.

Monday, May 4, 2015

The Voice S8: Running on a V6

Tonight's episode title is in reference to the V6 engine. There's only six contestants to choose from now and this show is barely running on more than 2 good cylinders [India and Koryn].

Per usual, I suspect the coaches will make hyperbolic and horribly overestimating statements on how all of the contestants are some of the most flawless singers to grace the stage.

Let me attempt to call this season already (As if disappointment couldn't be expressed in anymore apropos way than in italicized font); despite their best efforts, India and Koryn will be voted out or not saved by East Coast Twitter just to make the critics and mindless voting block happy with Kimberly and Sawyer in the finals.
My next guess is that despite him being the musical equivalent of NyQuil, Joshua will partially piss off critics by being in the Top 3 instead of Meghan. Which reminds me; I'm going to write this apology to Meghan now:

Meghan Linsey,

If you happen upon this blog, try to understand that my gripes with you are not entirely projected onto you. Pharrell screwed up royally by letting you go in the Battle Rounds.
I am still seething with rage that Blake is who you ended up choosing as your new coach as he didn't turn for you in the Blinds.

As to why I ended up too mad to vote for you in the competition, I took confusion and offense to you saying you wanted to do soul but ended up aligning with Blake who [in no uncertain terms] is about as "soul" as the misspelled homophone of "sole".

Perhaps you had thought "Blake's supporters are frequent and I need that." If that's the case, congratulations on riding the voting method easy street; even if artistic intent was put aside to do so.

Backhanded-ness aside, I apologize for being venomous and acerbic to you during your tenure on The Voice. You made it to the Top 6 and that's nothing to sneer at.

Now onto the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery and FlirtCruiting that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

Friday, May 1, 2015

Won The War: Carrie Underwood vs. Miranda Lambert

This is a series inspired by a tweet from perpetual lightning rod for controversy Azealia Banks when she inferred that although Michael Jackson won the battle, Prince won the war. This will be my take on which two rivals in packaging in the U.S. Music Industry, won the war in terms of longer success.

The much overdue 8th and final round of this series pits two country singers that gained fame on reality talent shows against one another. In one corner, Carrie Underwood; winner of American Idol's 4th season.
In the other, Miranda Lambert; 3rd place of the ever so niche demo of The Voice (Judging by their goddamn winners & "successful" artists), Nashville Star.

Both rose to prominence because of competition TV and both have even crossed paths fairly recently. Yet there's always this question to ask...

In longevity terms, who merely won the battle...and who Won the War?

As of 2015, Underwood has 4 albums to her name with her 2012 effort Blown Away having been her last proper album; Lambert has 5; the 2014 album Platinum acting as her latest release. Here's their charting album peaks from highest to lowest:

Carrie Underwood
- Carnival Ride at #1
- Play On at #1
- Blown Away at #1
- Some Hearts at #2

Miranda Lambert
- Platinum at #1
- Four the Record at #3
- Crazy Ex-Girlfriend at #6
- Revolution at #8
- Kerosene at #18

Due to the fact that these two have made something of a name for themselves, radio has played their songs every now and again. In terms of longevity when was their last #1 hit on the Hot 100?

This one is a bit tricky because Hot 100 land rarely budges for country to be #1, but Carrie's debut single "Inside Your Heaven"* reached #1...keep in mind this was 2005. Her last Top 10 song? "I Told You So" ft. Randy Travis in 2009.
*So technically, this is on her debut album as a bonus track, but a #1 is a #1 here...*

Miranda has yet to land a Top 15 (!) on the Hot 100.
So to keep things fair, I'll have to use the Country Airplay and US Hot Country charts to find their last #1 and Top 10 songs...

Carrie's last #1 was "Something in the Water" from 2014 on the Hot Country chart. Her last Top 10 was "See You Again" from 2013 which went #7 on the Hot Country chart [for posterity, it went #2 on the Country Airplay chart. O_O]

Miranda's last #1 and Top 10 was the 2014 song "Somethin' Bad"...ft. Carrie Underwood O_O O_O O_O which went #1 on the Hot Country chart and #7 on the Country Airplay chart...and was even #19 on the Billboard Hot this day; her highest placement on that chart. O_O

Musically, there are naturally some weak points in an artists' career when say...a lead single doesn't go to #1 or released singles chart really low. These are the positions at the lowest of Carrie and Miranda's careers...again this version of events is tricky as hell so bear with me...

Carrie's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: If only counting the Hot Country and/or Country Airplay charts, it's "Inside Your Heaven" as it tanked at #52 on both country charts.
If looking at the Billboard Hot 100, it's "Something in the Water" which peaked at a respectable #24.

- Lowest Charting Released Single: If only considering the Hot Country and/or Country Airplay charts, "Inside Your Heaven" acts as a double nadir.
If looking at the Billboard Hot 100, [ignoring current at the time of writing single "Little Toy Guns" at #74] it's "Mama's Song" at #56.

Miranda's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: If only counting the Hot Country and/or Country Airplay charts, it's "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" which tanked at #50 on the Country Airplay chart.

- Lowest Charting Released Single: If only counting the Hot Country and/or Country Airplay charts, "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" acts as a double nadir.
If looking at the Billboard Hot 100, it's "More Like Her" which hydrogen-BOMBED at #90.

Now for the final points: iconic singles AKA the one song people know is by that artist.

Miranda has "Kerosene" to her name.

Carrie has "Before He Cheats" to her name.

Normally, I would've included a passage over how their nadirs end up being reflective of their careers...but the numbers by themselves do not lie. Although Miranda gets credit for having been invited as an adviser to The Voice...because Blake Shelton is on and they're married. Her songs have been performed on the show as well...
...but so have Carrie's...every. single. season.