Freedom Of The Seas Act I Part II

The morning after the fire had reduced Cape Elysees to nothing, Meaghan had Waluigi announce a meeting in the Foyer of Pending Bedlam. Christie had promoted Satchee to penthouse status after she had inadvertently est. what Sawyer ended up doing. Further conversations revealed her ability to strategize on large scale operations. She had also promoted Tarsus; the man who had revealed his Master’s degree in physical geography to penthouse status as he had also demonstrated his political geography chops.
 As for Sawyer, Ramdao had beckoned him to talk privately before the meeting. They met in an enclave where continental breakfasts were once offered. “What had you snap like that?” he asked Sawyer. “I don’t know and even if I did I wouldn’t like the phase of cognition I underwent.” he replied. “Don’t grow more envious of any other man that goes near him.” Ramdao advised. “You know our lineage sucks at making promises.” Sawyer ominously retorted. Despite his better judgment, Ramdao let Sawyer off easy and headed to the Foyer.
 At the meeting, Meaghan announced that despite suspicions had by everyone, the tri-state committee Cape Elysees had been part of would not pursue charges. After that, Satchee and Tarsus had announced their pending travel routes to Nouveau Antigone. “After reviewing the landscape of everything 30 miles North of this city, we’ve decided to propose this plan of action.” Satchee initiated. “This plan is a good old fashioned Viking style ransacking of towns in between here and Nouveau Antigone.” Tarsus continued. “May we put this to a vote, quad co-leader Christie?” “Not until we entertain questions from the crowd. Obligatory plot development principle, but I like the idea.” she replied. “Questions for the planned proposal before voting?” Lorenzo asked.
 A horde member asked, “Is it still a ‘Viking’ style ransacking if we use martial arts?” Christie shot him between the eyes and reminded everyone that, “Stupid questions lead to early
graves. Oh and you in the third row, six to the right hand side? Memorials for stupid people leads to imminent death too.” After no further questions were asked, Christie initiated the voting. The army agreed on the ransacking and proceeded to the next issue. What to do with the Hilton Cape Elysees.
 “I propose we burn it to the ground.” a faction leader began. “We can’t leave any trace of us here or other police forces will be on our tail.” Satchee replied, “Right idea, but wrong reasoning. If the tri-state committee wouldn’t pursue charges against us, I doubt police forces are trying to track us down.” “Though burning it down to the ground is a good idea.” Meaghan pointed out. “I concur; this place couldn’t suck dick and get good Wi-Fi.” Christie said. “Now it’s time for a vote.” Lorenzo began. “All in favor of burning down say, ‘aye’.” The entire army shouted “aye!” and the decision was made.
 The quad, Ramdao, the army, Waluigi, Satchee and Tarsus gathered their belongings and then proceeded to burn the Hilton Cape Elysees to the state of nothingness the city underwent. “Tarsus! Direct us to the next set of plot points.” Christie said. “This way; North to about 12 and a half miles out!” he replied. The army could sense trouble 6 miles into the trek to Nouveau Antigone. “There’s this annoying as fuck rustling from that forest patch!” an alliance member said. “Throw something at the patch to see what pops out.” Meaghan insisted.
 The alliance member threw a rock at the patch and out popped an irate fan of the 16 & Pregnant franchise. “Dear God...” Lorenzo began. “How many of these crazed lunatics are there?” An ensemble of 35,000 emerged to answer Lorenzo’s question.
 “Smokey the Bear wouldn’t mind if we started a forest fire in this case, right?” Satchee asked.
 “If he did, I’d rip his spine out and bitch-slap him with it.” Christie replied.
 Despite the number, the army engaged the rabid 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom fans. The fight would consume half of that day. 2 hours and 45 minutes into the battle, Satchee came to the realization that brute strength wouldn’t be enough to kill them all. “These whores have raw natural strength; I’ll give them that.” she thought. Having spotted a poisonous snake on the ground, Satchee killed and drained its toxins. After mixing the toxins alongside other combative agents with Ramdao, she asked the quad for their weapons and instructed the army to stall them. “This should finish these goddamn whores.” she muttered.
 One by one, Satchee and Ramdao applied the toxin mix to the quad’s weapons. Lorenzo’s broadsword would have a certain glow to it because of the mix. Meaghan’s Sigma Sword would have enough to deliver fatal blows when her corresponding Sigma Shield didn’t. Sawyer’s double bladed axe would be twice as fatal against them. Christie wasn’t allowed to apply the mix as a lotion, but she was given a ring blade with the toxins applied on it.
 As Satchee had hypothesized, the mix would prove beneficial for the quad and in turn the army. Slowly but very surely, the rabid fandom of 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom had died off from the toxic agents and sheer brutality. “The nouns that caused their deaths is somewhat ironic.” a horde leader began. “Toxic agents and brutality are what made them in a sick way.” Christie pointed out, “That would be apt if it were the actual 16 & Pregnant and Teen Moms themselves. These are rabid fans of them, so they just deserved this. Right idea though.”
 They traversed onward to the 12 and a half mile mark where right on Tarsus’ cue, trouble showed itself as something far worse than their previous adversaries. “Am I having vision problems?” Sawyer queried. “Those creatures are bright orange but not making Willy Wonka chocolates. What are they?” “Whatever they are, they need better hairstyles.” Meaghan noted. “Their hair looks like a fucking tumor and a croissant nightmare.”
Lorenzo knew exactly what they were. “All good points, but these cretins are rabid fans of that little lump of human/vodka bottle/troll from that orange show MTV unleashed.” “I’m scared.” Big Fucker said. “If I touch one of them I might die of syphilis complications.” “No you won’t.” Christie started. “If anything, you might have a treatable hepatitis for at least a month.” Sawyer eventually figured out a way of having them vanquished with little effort. He collaborated with Ramdao to place a hex upon them if they weren’t able to solve a riddle he’s come up with.
 “That could work.” Ramdao began. “What type of hex do you want when they fail?”
 “Instant death. I want to keep it kind of minimalist.” he replied.
 “Riddle away you crazy bastard.” Ramdao encouragingly retorted.
Sawyer presented the challenge to the fans. “Whoever decides to step up has to represent the entire lot of you. All you have to do is solve a riddle of sorts.” The fans huddled and elected the least physically grotesque among them to accept the challenge.
 “Alright...” Sawyer began. “To escape Ramdao’s hex of instant death, let a Bible verse flow from your breath.” The fan replied, “Easy...an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” Sawyer giddily replied, “Sorry, that’s not in the Bible.” “Wait!” the fan bartered. “Best 2 out of 3...do onto others as you would have them do onto you.” Sawyer shook his head in negation to the fan’s answer. The fan grew frantic. “Fuck! Wait! An apple a day keeps the doctor away! Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise! Pull out!” Each answer presented was dumber and a higher indicator that they had been deserving of death.
 “Pull it off, Ramdao.” Sawyer said. Ramdao recited an incantation and cast the instant death spell. Every rabid fan there had succumbed to the spell; choking on their tongues and bleeding outwards had sealed their doom. “Let that be a lesson.” Sawyer began. “Fans of that lump can’t quote the Bible.” “Thank God.” Christie snided.
 She looked over to Tarsus and told him to direct everyone to the next series of plot points. He replied, “North! To about the 22 mile mark!” The quad, Ramdao, the army, Waluigi, Satchee and Tarsus ventured another 5.5 miles, making it the 18 mile mark in total before tension would be felt in the next town. They had unwittingly set foot in the epicenter of Jewish and Mexican fusion culture; Yawey.
 The tension was felt immediately; the city had been designated as the permanent refuge center for those driven out of Cape Elysees. Christie had the army ready themselves for battle against the town. However, the Yawey head official offered a plea to spare the people of the city and not finish off the refugees. Meaghan clarified that Sawyer had a mental breakdown and that was the only reason Cape Elysees had been set on fire. “I see...” the head official began. “So you’ll just pass on through and spare us?” “That’s precisely what we mean.” Satchee reassured. The head official directed them to the abandoned Hilton Yawey and gave rather stern orders to not harm the townspeople.
 As they complied and headed toward the hotel, a man had decided to follow them under the guise of becoming a permanent watchdog of them. Sawyer recognized him and despite his bloodlust, decided to let him come along. At the hotel, the army made the same renovations as they had with the previous hotel. As the quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee and Tarsus boarded the elevator for their penthouse suites, the “escort” wanted to board as well. “Wait...” he began. “I need to admit something.” “What’s your name? I hate having to use pronouns more than once a day.” Christie queried. “My name is Johnny and I know Lorenzo...biblically.” he replied. “That would explain why Sawyer’s giving you the death stare.” Waluigi stated.
 “I’ll explain everything.” Johnny promised to Sawyer.
 “Just get in, you bastard.” he barked to him.
 Johnny explained that he was the tryst Lorenzo had back in Costa Amethyst. According to him, Lorenzo had dropped a bit of currency as he scurried off to catch the ferry to Cape Elysees. “How the hell did you get on the boat undetected by the original ticket masters?” Meaghan wondered. “I snuck on and stayed in the background.” he began. “I pretended to be one of the ancillary army members without a given name.” “Any dirty secrets you find out?” Christie pressed. “Two horde leaders are an item.” he said. “You’d never guess which ones, though.” “Fascinating you bring relationships up.” Sawyer began.
 “Not here, you fucking maniac.” Ramdao advised. “If you want to kill him, do it outside of Yawey.” He reluctantly complied but ordered Johnny to sleep on the couch. “As long as you’re away from me, I will be fine.” Sawyer took to his bed and began to rest. “His hatred is a bit unjustified.” Christie explained. “See, despite the fact they’re kind of related, Sawyer’s into Lorenzo even though Lorenzo is as dumb as cat shit.” “No need to remind me of that.” Johnny began. “He asked me how to spell ‘honey’ during sex.” “Say no more.” Meaghan said.
 Before they headed to bed, Lorenzo went to Sawyer and insisted he give Johnny a chance. “Why the hell should I be compelled to do such an act?” he queried. “You know full well why.” Lorenzo replied. “Fine.” Sawyer began. “I won’t kill him here and I won’t kill him as long as he keeps his distance from me.”
 Taking what he could get from Sawyer, Lorenzo went to his bed where Johnny was waiting. “He wants me dead, doesn’t he?” Johnny asked. “He vows not to kill you if you stay away from him.” Lorenzo began. “I would’ve offered him your sexual favors, but I didn’t want the both of us to die.” “At least you’re generous.” Johnny said.
 His words at that moment was enough for Lorenzo to initiate sex with him. They began to disrobe each other as they stared into one another’s eyes. Sexual emotions were being emitted
at the speed of light with each other. After that, the sexual emissions between the two had Big Fucker rushing the floors to the penthouse suites. Once he was at the door, Christie told him, “Relax...no one’s getting murdered up here. Lorenzo and Johnny are just fucking rather extravagantly.” Big Fucker was relieved and Christie decided to officially promote him to penthouse status for his concern. “Sleep on the couch or floor. Both are comfy womfy for a dude your size.” she said. “Thanks, Christie. By the way, my real name’s Agathor.” he replied. “I knew I named you Big Fucker for a reason.” she quipped.
 That morning, the penthouse residents awoke to a rather interesting aroma. “What smells like syrup and bacon?” Waluigi pondered. Christie replied, “Two men sticky after having porked each other.” Waluigi added, “From the smell, they tasted each other’s spicy meat-a-balls.” Christie added, “Another bad pun this early and I’ll collect your fucking head.” Meaghan had Tarsus announce a meeting in the newer Foyer of Pending Bedlam. Sawyer decided then and there that he might not get another chance to finish off Johnny.
 “Johnny. I need to talk to you alone.” he began. “Saying sorry is going to take a while.” The rest decided to let Sawyer and Johnny have the suite to them. Lorenzo was rightfully suspicious at first but Meaghan had convinced him to let this be.
 “Something tells me if one of them was meant to die on this journey, it’s better for it to happen now then later.” she told him.
 While off in the meeting, Sawyer decided to gauge Johnny’s worth in the army. “You want in? You’ll have to fight me to the death and win.” “I don’t want to fight you, Sawyer.” he replied. “So it’ll be a cakewalk for me? Great.” Sawyer replied.
 “Just for that, I’m sending you right to hell.” Johnny said.
The fisticuffs between the two evolved into a miniature re-enactment of WWII.
 Tables were broken over each other. Blood was spat in each other’s faces. Sawyer was floored initially by Johnny’s kill mode. He wasn’t able to block all of his punches, but Sawyer thought, “If I played dirty to start this fight, I can easily control the fight.” He spotted a potpourri display and threw it at Johnny. It blinded him long enough for Sawyer to break a champagne bottle over his head. “Nothing feels as Christ-like as beating a man with a champagne bottle.” he snided. “I’m surprised you know anything Christ related with that shit you pulled.” Johnny retorted.
 Before he could rise to face him, Lorenzo barged in seething with anger toward Sawyer. “So you couldn’t even wait until the meeting to try and kill him?! You coward!” he barked. He reached for a gun and aimed it at Sawyer. “You couldn’t do it...” Sawyer said.
 “You deserve this for trying to kill Johnny.”
 “The fucker had it coming if you hadn’t barged in.”
 “The cuts and bruises on you suggest you shouldn’t be braggadocios.”
 “Pull the trigger, but I doubt you can.”
Johnny grabbed the gun from Lorenzo and said, “I certainly can, you rat bastard.” Sawyer was shot in-between the eyes and collapsed on the floor, lifeless.
 “Forgive me for this, Lorenzo.” he said.
 “You never had to apologize.” he replied.
Christie and the other penthouse residents rushed to the newly christened murder scene. “So Sawyer tried to finish him off and lost.” Ramdao began. “Gather your belongings and meet the others outside. I’m going to cleanse the room of his spirit.” “Be careful.” Meaghan said. “Believe me, I’ll be fine.” Ramdao assured.
 He prepared himself to cleanse Sawyer’s spirit from the hotel. “Sawyer!” he barked.
“Show your spirit self to me this instant!” The ghost of Sawyer emerged from his dead body. “So this is what defeat feels like?” he asked. “Indeed it is.” Ramdao began. “I warned you not to let yourself be consumed by your jealous rage and now you’ve paid a terrible price.” Sawyer only started, “I wanted to get him out of the way...” before Ramdao gave him an earful. “Out of the way?! You weren’t even fighting for Lorenzo’s heart?! Shame on you!” Sawyer had only then realized what Ramdao had been warning him about this whole time. “What have I done?” he said. “Something that cannot be reversed; not even by my powers.” Ramdao replied. “I can give you a guaranteed spot in purgatory if you leave this place and into the spirit world.” Sawyer complied and with Ramdao’s incantation, he had been jettisoned to purgatory.
 He gathered his resources and met the others outside. “Sawyer is in purgatory and he won’t be causing a ruckus anymore.” From there, Christie had Tarsus direct everyone to the 22 mile mark. Hours later, the quad (who had Johnny assume Sawyer’s position), Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus and Big Fucker had reached the 22 mile mark where new enemies made themselves known.
 “What the fuck are these things?” Waluigi queried.
 “Rabid and really delusional fans of Selena Gomez.” Christie asked.
 “I thought they were Hindu women possessed by horrible spirits.” he replied.
 “Good guess, but that little skank sullied them forever.” she noted.
 The rabid and really delusional fans initiated attack when one lunged towards an entire faction of the army. The ensuing combat consumed four hours of their journey. Meaghan and Waluigi did what Christie had only dreamed of so far. They had ripped the spine out of a rabid and really delusional fan and whipped the others to death with said spine. “Cool!” Christie exclaimed. “Now make someone eat the spine!” “Ew, you sick little whore.” Waluigi replied.
Christie, with the help of Big Fucker, would grant her macabre wish. After a rabid and really delusional fan tried to attack, Big Fucker swung his fist and knocked the wind out of the fan. Christie then ripped the fan’s spine out and began to force feed it to the dying fan. “Who wants bony ‘num nums’? Who wants bony ‘num nums’?” she taunted. Those still in battle looked on in horror and disgust. “You sick whore.” a faction member said. “How are you going to sleep at night once we finish killing all these delusional twats?” an alliance leader asked.
 “If you like, we can surrender right now.” the leader of the enemy offered.
 “We still have to kill you.” Lorenzo said. He picked up the leader by the hair and had Johnny slice her throat open.
 The rest of the melee wouldn’t have quite the sickening touch Christie demonstrated, but would prove a victory for the army. When the last rabid and really delusional fan met their end courtesy of Satchee stabbing them in their heart, the rest had declared that battle their best so far despite Christie’s finishing move.
 “No offense, while it’s impressive that you can rip someone’s spine out, how you finished them off was fucking disgusting.” a horde member said.
 “I understand that was a bit over the top, but somebody had to force feed a spine down someone’s throat at some point.” Christie insisted. “We never agreed to that challenge, but there’s bigger shit to deal with.” the horde member replied.
 Meaghan then turned to Tarsus to direct everybody to the next major plot point; the epicenter of French and Greek fusion culture, Nouveau Antigone. Along the rest of the 8 mile journey, Lorenzo and Johnny grew even closer since they had reunited. “I’ll never understand why you followed along, but I don’t care to know anymore.” he said to Johnny. “It was just meant to be ever since we finished on each other in a Costa Amethyst alley.” he replied.
 Hours later and having been fed up with the previous plot points by then, the quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus and Big Fucker had finally arrived in Nouveau Antigone. “Wow...” Big Fucker started. “It looks like a turd laid by a king or someone fancy.” “Yeah, that about fits the description of this place.” Christie concurred. As they continued in the city, they had noticed a rather tepid vibe from the citizens there. “They have to know of our previous actions to have formed such fear in our presence.” Tarsus noted. Then, a woman who three of the original quad knew of made herself known. “You three!” she began. “The dumb one, boring but bitchy one and the crazy bitch with the ring blade!”
 Meaghan was floored. “You can’t possibly be who I think you are.”
 “I am indeed, the woman who mistakenly brought you into this world out of being a mere Samaritan.” she answered.
 The Haitian/Persian woman known as Maryam had finally met them face to face. “There’s supposed to be four of you. What happened to the second male?” she queried. “Well, he had a mental breakdown, tried to fight Johnny in a penthouse suite until Lorenzo shot his ass.” Christie replied. “What a shame.” Maryam said. “Don’t offer condolences.” Ramdao began. “He didn’t even fight for Lorenzo’s heart.” “What a stupid and preventable cause of death.” she replied. Maryam explained that she had been on the quad’s tail ever since the fertility clinic in Balboa Perla had explained the original quad’s lineage.
 “I never thought that any Samaritan level of activity could lead to this.” she began. “I don’t want to kill you all. I just want to prevent you from needlessly killing like your lineage.” “Sweet intent, but you might be a little late for that.” Christie retorted. Maryam continued, “I mean I don’t want you all to kill more than the great evil you seek to vanquish.” “You know of the great evil?” Meaghan asked. “How could I not?” Maryam started.
“She looks like Tokyo Rose got fucked by a WNBA player and sings like a fashion model.” “Damn, you’re good.” Lorenzo began. “Travel with us to vanquish the great evil!”
 The quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus, Big Fucker and the newly penthouse level promoted Maryam, traveled further along the main road of Nouveau Antigone. “We need to find a hotel big enough for all of us. Planning to vanquish the great evil will take all our mental efforts.” Ramdao said. “Any abandoned Hilton hotels up in this motherfucker?” Christie crudely queried. “No, but I found something twice as accommodating.” Satchee said.
 She had been able to spot an abandoned Four Seasons hotel placed atop where a fortress once stood. “Ooooh.” an alliance leader said. “Why just stand here? Let’s move in.” Meaghan commanded. As they headed up the route, the head official of Nouveau Antigone tried to stop them. “Absolutely not!” he shouted. “We will not accommodate ruthless thugs like you!” Christie demanded to know why the head official was trying to derail the army from their main objective. The head official had begun the chain of events leading to the last mistake he would ever make. “Why do I have to answer to some Hot Topic nightmare such as you?” he condescendingly asked. Big Fucker advised, “Don’t piss her off. We’ve seen her force feed someone’s spine to them.” The head official scoffed at the notion Big Fucker made; that being the last mistake he would ever make. Christie lunged at him and tore his spine out and proceeded to force feed it to him. “Bony num-nums will make you all nice and dead! Eat the bony num-nums! Eat the bony num-nums!” she taunted.
 “Dear God! She’s more savage than her mother and grandmother!” Maryam noted.
 “Hold me.” a horde member said to its leader.
 “She’s almost done, but don’t look yet.” the leader replied.
Christie had finished off the head official and directed everyone to the Four Seasons.
 Having made the needed adjustments again and after settling in, Waluigi announced a meeting in the Foyer of Pending Bedlam. The entire army was clamoring at ideas as to how to vanquish the great evil. “All right everyone; shut the fuck up and let’s get to it!” Christie barked. “Now, Meaghan is going to relay her findings after consorting with Satchee, Ramdao, Tarsus and Maryam.”
 Meaghan began by revealing that they had tracked down where the great evil was based in Nouveau Antigone. “She’s centered in a mega mansion near the town’s East outskirts. It’s a rather marsh like environment which requires a lot of energy to power through. That’s the good news.” The army grew confused. An alliance member asked, “What’s the bad news?” Meaghan replied, “The bad news is, she’s still away from her base. Townspeople hadn’t noticed her presence in about three months.” The crowd was outraged. “All this travel for seemingly nothing?” one shouted. “Not true.” Satchee began. “We can begin our conquest by destroying her mega mansion.” “That’s a brilliant idea!” a faction leader said.
 “True, but we need to come up with an idea of destroying her base without all of us leaving the hotel.” Lorenzo started. “That way we can fend off stupid plot developments like all of our resources being destroyed while away or anything lame like that.”
 “How about we hijack a military plane and Murphy’s Military Law #6 the fuck out of it?” Waluigi proposed. “What the fuck does that mean?” Meaghan asked. “Murphy’s Military Law #6: If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.” Waluigi replied.
 “All in favor of an airstrike over a mega mansion shout ‘aye’.” Lorenzo commanded.
 Every last person in the town of Nouveau Antigone and the Foyer of Pending Bedlam shouted “aye!” at the top of their lungs. “Anybody opposed to the idea?” Lorenzo asked. One faction member raised their hand. Christie shot him in-between the eyes. “No, it’s decided.”
 After voting unanimously in favor of the plan, Christie, Waluigi, Big Fucker and Satchee hijacked a citizen’s Rolls-Royce and drove to the nearest military base. Spotting an aircraft worthy of their exploits, the four of them forcefully entered the base.
 Guards there naturally tried to stop them, but found out that their purpose in life was to be “Asphalt Aioli” against the foursome there that night. As they encroached on their targeted plane, two airmen had accosted them. “Hold it right there!” one barked. “Who the hell are you two fuckers?!” Christie demanded. “We are Nouveau Antigone Airmen, you little bitch!” the other replied. Big Fucker would kill the other then and there. “You don’t talk to her like that.” He picked him up and threw him against a forklift where he died on impact. Christie then whispered to Waluigi, “Sneak to the plane and warm that bitch up.” He dashed to the plane while Christie and Satchee created a diversion by challenging the first airman in fight to the death.
 He complied but soon learned his decision would have dire consequences. Satchee had subdued him and proceeded to give him the “Apache Leave-In Conditioner”. She took her tomahawk and dug into the top of his scalp and let it sit when she felt it needed just to see his blood pour out. Christie then decided to use a move she inherited from her mother and grandmother; the Croatian Buzzsaw. Making a table fit for her victim, she calibrated and spun her ring blade at top speeds. Then she grabbed the airman by his legs and jam him on the ring blade. The reverberating screams would be heard back at the Four Seasons. “Christie was certainly woven from same fabric as her predecessors with that move.” Maryam noted. About two swings later and the last posed threat to the operation would be eliminated.
 “All done! Let’s play that airstrike the mega mansion game!” Christie evilly cheered. “Is she really human, Waluigi?” Satchee posed. “No, but she is an efficient little imp trapped in a troubled girl’s body.” he replied. Satchee then gave word of the success back to the hotel.
Meaghan replied, “Good. Now radio me in to the cockpit so I can direct Waluigi to the mega mansion.” Christie successfully transitioned the aircraft’s radio signals back to the Four Seasons. Waluigi prompted Meaghan if she could hear him. After confirming, she directed Christie, Satchee and Big Fucker back to the hotel.
 “Alright, Waluigi.” Meaghan began. “From that military base, head to the Eastern outskirts of town.” “Roger that, you Cadbury cunt cream!” he replied.
 “What the fuck was that for?”
 “I’ve barely done shit since I killed some twatwaffle Captain back on the ferry!”
 “Ok, but you could’ve just called me a bitch like everyone else does.”
 “Just tell me when I’m supposed to be coming up on the mega mansion, bitch.”
 “You’re within firing range, fucker.”
 Waluigi was then prompted to use every last bullet in the plane’s turret guns whilst beginning the airstrike. 30 minutes later he reported that the bullets were emptied and that damage to the mansion was pretty minimal. She then instructed him to empty out every missile the plane had been carrying. An hour later, Waluigi was growing worried over his endurance. “I emptied the missiles but I don’t think I can do anymore.” “Grow some balls and drop the plane’s bombs on that bitch!” Christie demanded. He complied and with the bombs the plane had, the mega mansion was finally destroyed.  “It’s all desolate now.” he told Meaghan. “Great work, Waluigi. Head back to the Four Seasons. Ramdao and Satchee will be waiting to provide medical services to you.”
 Fortunately, Waluigi was able to land the fighter craft on top of the Four Seasons. Ramdao and Satchee had given him enough sustenance so he could feel re-energized and be able to take part in the follow up meeting for the next plan of action.
“The airstrike was a success.” Meaghan began. “Not a trace of the great evil’s mega mansion is left.” The army gave cheerful shouts for the operation’s success. Meanwhile, Tarsus reminded everyone, “While it is indeed great that the operation was a success, we need not forget that the great evil is still afoot.” “Where is that twat, anyway?” an alliance member pondered.  Tarsus replied, “She’s currently causing misery in the city of Sao Bangkok. We have to move there now, if we want a clear cut chance of vanquishing her.” A faction member agreed. “That cunt is ruining the lives of the epicenter of Brazilian and Thai fusion culture. She must die the most horrible way imagined!” The rallying cries only worsened their bloodlust.
 The next morning, the army gathered their belongings, burned down the Four Seasons and ventured towards Sao Bangkok. Meaghan had Tarsus relay how long until their destination. “It’ll be 38 miles until our destination.” “Plot points?” Christie asked. “I have no fucking clue.” Tarsus began. “This map wasn’t created with exact collective plot points for the journey.” “Fucking weak.” Christie retorted. “Well how long until the next plot point?” Tarsus looked at the map and replied, “14 miles until the next plot point!”
 The quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus, Big Fucker and Maryam had traversed the 14 miles when a new facet of trouble had made themselves known. Their musk had Meaghan wonder, “Are we dealing with furries after an orgy in Texas heat?” “No...it’s much worse.” Lorenzo warned. “We’re dealing with rabid, delusional and soap allergic Larpers.” “Larpers?” she asked. “Live Action Role Players...some of the worst people on Earth if rabid, delusional and soap allergic like these fucking people.” Christie replied.
 They gazed at the Larpers and saw that despite their grotesque appearances, they did pose a threat when they noticed their stances were very much correct. “We might be in for a fight longer than we ever wanted.” Satchee noted. “Let’s not take them lightly.”
Despite the musk they exuded, the Larpers not much else other than potential fighting potential. When the fighting commenced, the Larpers showed a rather keen understanding of Bojutsu and Jojutsu from their crude looking weapons. The bout consumed more time than the army had expected.
 Lorenzo and Johnny would reverse their opponents’ attacks and smash their skulls in once opportunity had arisen. Christie and Big Fucker would take Larpers within their vicinity on their “Merry-Go-Round”; Big Fucker would swing Christie high then low slicing Larpers apart. “High then low; try to avoid me; you’re still to slow!” she taunted. Meaghan and Waluigi would unleash a devastating knife/Sigma Sword and Shield combo. Waluigi would toss his knife in the air, pinpoint its maximum velocity and kick it towards a charging Larper. Meaghan would then beat the knife from their body with a powerful shield attack before slicing their throat with her sword. Satchee and Ramdao had preserved enough of their “supertoxin” for their weapons. Then they proceeded to numb and eventually kill their share of Larpers. Tarsus and Maryam would fuse grace into their onslaught of Larpers. Maryam’s arachnid-esque martial arts would often end with her high heels crushing into the skulls of her opponents. Tarsus would lure his prey to a small nook in the landscape. Once collected to his liking, he thrust his “Ambassador” naginata through them all and waited for the last of their blood to drain.
 Alliances, hordes and factions each held their own against the Larpers, but their leader demanded a one on one match with the one he deemed weakest; Maryam. “This group may have vanquished my men, but that arachnid woman did very little.” he said. She would go on to prove him very wrong. She lunged at him; wrapped her body around him and proceeded to break every bone in his body in a domino effect. She unwrapped herself and had Christie give over her gun. Maryam then looked at the fallen leader and said, “Make sure there’s soap in hell for you.”
 After having shot the leader, she and the army headed to the next plot point as Tarsus read from his map. “Another 14 miles until the next pending battle!” he announced. They had trekked 13.5 miles when a benefactor appeared before them. A young woman named Calliope who advised the army over something to apply to their weapons stock. “This very weapon I bestow to you is for your leader; whoever that may be.” she began. After even Christie agreed that Lorenzo was the leader due to his status as the first born of the original quad, Calliope explained the weapon’s significance.”
 “In your hands, this sword can unleash the very wrath of God.” she said.
 “Is there any catch?” Lorenzo began. “Like I can’t use this until I’m in the presence of the great evil?”
 “Oh goodness no.” she replied. “No catch whatsoever.”
 “I thank you for this gift and invite you to join our forces.” Lorenzo said.
 Calliope expressed her reservations about joining the ranks. Eventually she decides to drop her guard and join up with the quad’s army.
 The quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus, Big Fucker, Maryam and Calliope ventured the last half a mile before being faced with their next adversaries. Rabid fans of Ke$ha that had designated themselves into a crude militia known as “The Glitter Punk Collective”. “They look positively filthy alive.” Calliope began. “Perhaps death can cleanse them from us and maybe clean them up a little.” “Holy shit.” Meaghan noted. “I was not expecting that from her. Christie maybe, but not her.” Johnny pointed out, “Christie would’ve mentioned something about whipping a bitch to death with their spine.” “You have a point.” Meaghan replied.
 The very sight of The Glitter Punk Collective made Christie’s blood boil. “They’re punk like bald is a hair color. They must die by my hands the most.” Their leader, Derelict, taunted his
opponents into fighting him and his collective. “Come you little worms and let us stomp all over you.” That would be the last mistake he would make as the most one sided slaughtering of the journey yet had occurred. Derelict was instantly killed when Christie said, “Look; a bullet.” and he was shot in-between the eyes. “Once again, they never think to duck.” Christie muttered.
 The rest of the collective were just as unlucky as Derelict. Half of them had been burned alive when Ramdao had recited an incantation. Their charred beings scared the ones who had yet to die and they would have it much worse. One fourth of those left would be taken on Christie and Big Fucker’s “Merry-Go-Round”. “Up then down; kind of like you; only my ride’s still around!” she taunted. All but one would be spared by the alliances, hordes and factions as they demonstrated some of their strongest combat to date. A faction leader asked the quad, “What do we do this one?”
 Christie had the answer. “Oh I know what this one needs; I just need a kanabo, club soda and salt.” Lorenzo looked at her and said, “Please don’t resurrect what I think you want to.” Christie merely chortled at him and said, “Why not? It’ll be oodles of fun. That and it’ll get this one to shut the fuck up forever.” Lorenzo turned to the army and said, “Don’t look; this is the foulest move we know of. Please, you’ll be better off if you don’t look.”
 The army complied and heard the exact reasons why Lorenzo had advised them not to look in Christie’s direction. Vicious swings of the kanabo had been cracking through the last collective member’s body. Christie was performing the “Japanese Club Soda”
 “Oh God!” a horde member said. “That sounds bloody fucking awful!”
 “How long is she going to this?” an alliance leader asked.
 “Any second past now is pure excess.” a faction member replied.
 “Wait; is she about to pour club soda and salt in the wounds?” an alliance member asked.
The agonizing screams indicated that answer. “Let that fucker die peacefully Christie!” the army pleaded. “For God’s sake, Big Fucker is puking over here!” Though she wouldn’t listen to them. Just as it seemed it wouldn’t get any worse, Christie uttered these words; “Maybe you won’t die yet because it’s not that ‘time of the month’ for you. Maybe if I pull a string you’ll die quicker.”
“Please tell me Christie is not going to shove a used tampon down that fucker’s throat.” The gagging and choking proved otherwise. The army pried Christie off of her prey and shot them in the head. “I’d rather you force feed his spine than hear that again!” a faction leader demanded. “Fine, no more of that.” Christie reluctantly agreed. “If I haven’t sullied the entire map with my vomit...” Tarsus began. “We have 10 miles to go on our journey to Sao Bangkok.”

###End of Act I###

Freedom Of The Seas Act I Part I

This is the third story I've written. It started collectively on 5/24/13 and was finished today, 6/6/13. [Act I: 5/24/13 to 5/28/13] [Act II: 5/28/13 to 6/6/13]
Read and enjoy all sections; play rough and get it on!


Years had passed since the last of the crew and spawn had passed away. Some from natural causes; David & Madler along with McRay & Charlie had lived out the remainders of their lives in a peace neither union thought possible for them. Dolly would pass on from a lengthy life of advising Michelle and Jamie on how not to fuck things up like she had.
 For some, death had been achieved rather gruesomely. Blyvy had a nervous breakdown after her dojo had been set ablaze by common ne’er-do-wells. After tracking down the arsonists, Blyvy finished them off. However, the amount of blood she lost was more than enough to end her own life. The worst of her mother’s genetic makeup had done her in.
 Their children, Michelle, Jamie and Goldie, led rather subdued lives and faded into the obscurity both had sought. Yet a foolish act had begat a new generation to genetic damnation.
 Before their passing, the surviving men had left an instruction set for Michelle, Jamie and Goldie to complete. They were to take the collected DNA of the original crew to a ditch and set it ablaze. Before the last four vials could be incinerated, Michelle advised the rest to merely bury what had remained. They complied, not knowing what stupid shit they had pulled in that split second of slothfulness.
 The four vials were then placed in a cigar box. As if that hadn’t sealed their ignorance, they shoddily buried the evidence. Only five minutes after their departure, an unknowing catalyst to the pending doom had played out the rest of the plan. A Haitian/Persian woman named Maryam, had dug up the box and took it to the nearest fertility clinic in Balboa Perla. The clinic staff had merely done their part. By restoring the vitality of the sperm, they traced the lineage and discovered what wrong they had wrought.
 One man present that day present said, “We can only ask God to make our deaths light for this sin.” Years later, the results of a preventable lapse of judgment was about to be seen by the world.
 Four troubled people from an intended preventative birthing had emerged from Balboa Perla ready to kill. The figure head like his father and grandfather was an action friendly and intellectual nightmare by the name of Lorenzo. The second in command like her father and grandfather was a subtle in action but not with words lass named Meaghan. The third of these doomed genetic clusterfucks as all predecessors before is known as Sawyer.
 The most troubled of these children; a woman even worse off than Catya and Blyvy combined was the sweet sounding but hell raising Christie.
 Each of them had known of their troubled lineage and devised a way to justify their existence. Learning of the onslaught committed by their parents, they had intended to start off as a restoration firm dedicated to provide resources to those affected by their parents’ actions.
 “So we agree over this restoration firm plan?” Meaghan asked.
 “It sounds good to me.” Lorenzo replied.
 “Very well, then. Sawyer, find people willing to help us out.” she instructed.
 “I’ll make sure to sell the ‘It increases your odds of avoiding hell’ point.” he replied.
 “Make sure those fuckers have limited social media access.” Christie added.
 “Good point; make sure to add ‘Twitter only; Facebook equals death’.” she said to Sawyer.
 An hour or so later, Sawyer had informed the rest of his recruiting success. He was instructed to then escort the volunteers to the Balboa Perla Epicenter Square. Activity had grown subdued thirty minutes into their duties. Christie noticed the final plot development for their turn
at a life of chaotic refuge. She had seen half of the users posting photos of their activity on Instagram on non-recreational hours. Her rage had consumed her last nerve as she looked to Lorenzo and Sawyer to assist her. “Not now, Christie.” Sawyer began. “Yes, they’re being a bunch of procrastinating fuckwads, but now would only make us look barbaric.” Lorenzo added, “Besides...this charity thing has hot guys left and right emerging from the woodworks.” “I’ll give them two minutes to repent.” Christie said. “If I see them fucking around with Instagram after that, make sure I don’t get too much blood on my blouse.”
 Less than a minute later, a fatal vintage filter photo with Christie in the background sealed the plot once and for all. “No one uses pretentious filters on me!” and she pounced on her prey. Savage acts of ripping the jugular of the prey and force-feeding litter would be the lightest things seen that day. Those foolish enough to pry Christie off were met with a “Santeria Fanta”. This move had Christie tearing flesh off with her teeth and spitting the blood in her next victim’s mouth. Each lollygagging volunteer would soon end up being mentioned in the past tense. All 50 of them to be exact.
 “Well that didn’t work.” Sawyer dejectedly pointed out.
 Knowing no other option would be viable they had decided to flee from Balboa Perla that very day. Having stored Christie away successfully, the quad had slipped through from Balboa Perla and began their adventure to the unknown.
 “Nice going you fucking psychopath.” Meaghan said.
 “Oh so it’s my fault that I hated volunteers using Instagram during work hours?” Christie retorted.
 “Nobody said for you to pull that shit off.” Meaghan fired back.
 “Fuck off, you pretentious little twat.” Christie replied.
Meaghan dropped the bag carrying Christie on a bed of rocks. “Ow, you bitch!” she said. “Remember who has the bag and who’s in it; now shut the fuck up while we figure out where to venture to next.” Meaghan retorted. “Fine.” Christie began. “I’ll just read about the scandal in Balboa Perla again.”
 “How the fuck do you have your hands free?” Meaghan queried.
 “Lorenzo can’t tie knots for shit.” Christie said.
“Goddamnit, Lorenzo...” Meaghan started. “I give you one thing to do and you fuck that up.” “Well you can blame a guy passing by that he wanted to suck off as well.” Christie added. “Technically you know I’m a horndog, Meaghan.” Lorenzo said.
 After sneering at him, Sawyer wondered, “Just where the fuck are we going? I don’t need a goddamn luxury mansion, but are we going to stop soon?” “Look; there’s a randomly placed house big enough for all of us.” Lorenzo noticed. “What kind of dickhead created that plot point?” Christie asked. “Who gives a shit?” Meaghan said. “Besides, we need a place to stay anyway.” She had freed Christie from the bag they stored her in and settled in.
 As they examined the house, they grew suspicious as to how they could feel so eased in this particular household. “This house isn’t haunted.” Lorenzo stated. “There’s no occupants other than ourselves.” Sawyer added. “Nobody stored in the basement to frame us in a set-up.” Christie said. “Meaghan? What’ve you noticed?” “Meaghan? Tell us where you are.” Sawyer said.
 “I’m in front of a mirror...and being stared at by people who look like us.” she said.
 “Alternate universe fuckers?” Lorenzo queried.
 “No, that plot point would be fucking stupid to add.” she retorted.
 “Good point, bitch. We’re coming up the stairs to find you.” Christie said. They found
Meaghan in a bedroom where she was being stared at by the eight people that looked like them all. As the rest looked at the mirror, Lorenzo clued in everyone else for a change. “Sawyer? What color are your eyes?” He replied, “Arabica Brown and Gunmetal Gray”. “I see two guys in that mirror with your eye color.” Lorenzo added. “Guys, these are our parents and grandparents.”
 Catya’s spirit spoke from the mirror. “Finally, you get around to addressing the goddamn elephant in the room.”
 “Forgive us for not being familiarized with spirits of the dead with nerve.” Meaghan retorted. “You’re even lippier than your goddamn mother.” Catya added. “Oh fuck off and tell us why these seemingly paint by numbers bullshit led us here.” Sawyer insisted. “Fine...Dolly!” Catya began. “Tell them what’s going on. I’m going to spook somebody in Hollywood.” “You have to stay for this one, so shut the fuck up.” Dolly replied. “Goddamnit!” Catya murmured.
 Dolly explained that as far as she knew, there were no other scores to be had from either the crew or the spawn. As she had interrogated Meaghan on what they had been trying to do, it had become clear to the crew and spawn as to what the quad needed to do.
 “You simply need to embrace the fact you are all sick pieces of shit.” Dolly said.
 “Why do we need to ‘embrace’ a lineage of people who killed thousands of innocent people?” Sawyer queried.
 McRay replied, “Not all of them were innocent; some were Glee cast members, one was Ryan Gosling...” to which Charlie added, “...yeah really sick fucks like LMFAO, Nicki Minaj...” “My turn!” Madler said. “We also killed off Cassadee Pope and Iggy Azalea.”
 Lorenzo said, “You had me at Glee people being killed. How do we embrace our destiny, then?” “Fucking sellout.” Meaghan snided. “Cool it, lippy bitch!” Dolly said. “I hated this too, but believe me it will have its place in your life.” Meaghan doubted her but complied to listen.
Charlie and Madler went on to explain that in the quad’s world, entertainment had grown much worse. To stack the deck against them the LMFAO Horde Phone, the most crucial tool they had used, was destroyed before the crew and spawn had passed. They had not anticipated a “four vial fuckup” courtesy of Michelle, Jamie and Goldie. After regaling them of the cards stacked against them, Sawyer realized who they could aspire to vanquish.
 “Say...” he began. “...there’s this awful contestant on The Voice right now.”
 “Which one would that be?” Meaghan queried.
 “Is it that country singer from Team Blake who looks like a fucking Kewpie Doll?” Christie violently posed. “No, but she’s awful too.” Sawyer responded. “The other terrible one.”
 “Is it that screechy bitch who fucked up ‘One of Us’ in the Blind Auditions from Team Adam?” Lorenzo asked. “Right team but she’s the other terrible one.” Sawyer replied.
 “Oh!” Meaghan began. “The terrible former Michael Jackson backup singer who looks like Tokyo Rose got fucked by Tiger Woods.” “And has hair that looks like Princess Leia and Sanjaya lost a fight with a lawn mower.” Christie added. “Guys...” Lorenzo began. “You’re leaving out her worst quality. The inability to project her voice while singing.”
 After shivering from that grim reminder, they were met with shocked reactions from the crew and spawn. “Holy shit!” Blyvy began. “You guys are worse than even us! You’ll do fine, but goddamn...that shit talking almost made Dolly catatonic.” “I’m proud of you sick little floppy dolphin fuck-puppets!” Catya said. “Now stop staring back at us and get to vanquishing some things you hate!” The apparitions had dissipated from their eyes and rested for the night.
 Meaghan couldn’t shake the uneasiness of feeling like she was without principals. “Yes those were the people responsible for their existence...well outside of that woman from the desert.” she thought. “Yet, I don’t know who to hate more for this. Lorenzo for selling us out...
or myself for not doing shit to prevent it...goddamn this is too deep for U.S. literature.” The next morning, the quad had assembled to discuss their plans. They had confirmed to vanquish their most loathed polyp of the entertainment circuit. All that was needed was a foolproof way of pulling it off.
 “We don’t know how, but the bitch must die!” Lorenzo stated. “Any clues on how to proceed?” “Good old fashioned Viking style ransacking never hurt those Vikings.” Christie said. “I like the approach, but less psychotic intent.” Lorenzo replied. Sawyer added, “We merely want her dead. We don’t want to give that bitch any macabre luxury of thinking she was worthy enough for murder.” “Agreed.” Christie said. “We could simply assassinate the bitch.” Meaghan suggested. “No, that would be a luxury for the likes of her anyway.” Lorenzo retorted. “I got it! I can be flippant and act like Christie had a good idea the first time!” “I actually like that.” Christie said.
 “Now that we have that taken care of, what the fuck about transport?” Sawyer asked. “We could just carjack a SUV.” Lorenzo propositioned. “We might be monsters, but even I’m concerned about the gas in a fucking SUV.” Meaghan replied. “Besides, we need an all-terrain vehicle that isn’t ugly or tacky.” Sawyer added. “That’s been taken care of...” Christie began. “Let me handle this ‘sale’ I arranged while you were blabbering on about general transport.” “It was only two minutes of us talking, you maniac.” Sawyer replied.
 Christie had arranged a meeting outside the house with an owner of a dune buggy he no longer had interest for. “I’ll gladly take this off your hands. Remind me, why are you getting rid of this fine machine.” He replied, “There’s no way to get the smell of honey and ketchup out. That and I had no use for that many weapon compartments.” After being given the keys, the seller simply sauntered off from the house. “I thought I was going to have to kill him to prevent
payment, but this works too.” Christie began. “Oh well, fuckers. Here’s our ride. Let’s get our stuff and hit the road.” “Wait...” Lorenzo began. “Did he say it smelled like honey and ketchup?” She replied, “Yeah, what’s your point...” before realizing her sale was only adding to their pending damnation. “So in two minutes, you arranged a sale to get the dune buggy our parents and grandparents used for their slaughters?” Lorenzo began. “I thought nothing of it!” Christie said. “I just wanted a nice metallic cornflower blue dune buggy built to handle bloodlust and that was a perfect match.” “Well, if we’re going to hell at least we have a vehicle that could handle the landscape.” Sawyer said.
 After assessing what they had, they left the house but not before setting it ablaze. They found that traveling through this landscape would prove to be treacherous. Almost every town had people running in fear from their existence. “Relax everyone. We come in peace unless you fuck with us.” Meaghan reassured. Hours of travel and having to convince gas station owners of their malice being directed to someone else, had finally come to a head.
 They had reached a city with a history against the crew and spawn; Salieri Heights. As soon as they parked in front of a local eatery, tension rose from the eye contact the owner had with Lorenzo in particular. He said to them, “You look an awful lot like a group of sick bastards who loved to kill.” “We just need food and then we’re out of this city.” Sawyer said. The owner said, “You and your boyfriend sure do look like two fellas that raised hell here years ago.” “We’re not dating.” Lorenzo began. “Yeah, we’re both gay but we’re not into each other.” ‘That and I have standards.” Sawyer quipped. “That type of snippy comeback only confirms it...” the owner began. “...my pappy always said to have a weapon on me just in case you fuckers come around.” As he reached for his sword, he noticed it was missing. He looked around; as did the locals and the quad who noticed Christie was missing. “Oh no...” Meaghan said.
As the owner looked up, Christie pounced and shoved the sword through his skull. The locals were terrified and rendered speechless at the act committed. She affected her voice to sound like Catya’s and had the crowd soiling themselves. “Unless you want to be next, let us eat and fuck off!” The locals there had complied out of fear of a fulfilled promise.
 The quad left the restaurant with only the blood of its owner on their hands. “This is going to be a fucked up journey.” Sawyer said. “That’s what’ll make it exciting and fun you goddamn troglodyte.” Christie replied. As they reached the Salieri Heights city limits, an opponent emerged demanding they entertain him. “You deal with him, Meaghan.” Lorenzo said. “It’d take too much effort from me to kill him.” “Yeah, you’d be best to deal with him.” Sawyer added. “Don’t even think about having me waste energy on him.” Christie demanded.
 Meaghan reluctantly faced him and merely asked of his name. His last words would be, “Well pretty thing, my name’s Jake and I like to beat people up.” She then proceeded to tear his arm off and force feed to him. The blood loss and visual of a torn arm fist first in a man’s throat said everything it needed to. “Wow you show off.” Sawyer quipped. “You could’ve just cracked his neck, but no...flair for the dramatics superseded everything.” “Funny, considering you were too lazy to do it yourself.” she fired back.
 As they continued on past Salieri Heights, they were met with a mystical presence. “Stop where you are, children of a preventable damnation!” he shouted. They stopped to see who he was. “Alright fucker, who are you?” Meaghan asked. “I am Ramdao; Keeper of the gateway and Grandmaster of the Pegasus.” he said. “Oh; you’re the one with the dead chicken and the freaky rainbow door thing.” Lorenzo replied. “I see McRay’s lineage has still failed in terms of eloquence and dignity.” Ramdao said. “This coming from a guy who looks like a Coachella festival attendee got his ass kicked by a kindergarten class.” Christie said. “You must be Catya’s
granddaughter. Small in stature but big in bitch factor.” he retorted. “Your point?” Christie snapped back. Ramdao explained that after receiving a message from the crew and spawn of their existence, they insisted on him guiding them on the journey. “Alright then.” Meaghan said. “Just tell us where we can find this bitch so we can finish her off.” Ramdao complied and began to direct them towards their goal.
 The process to get there would have to be as treacherous and mundane as their predecessors. They found this out in the next stop they would make; the city of Nueva Puta. This town played a crucial role against the crew and spawn’s last main adversaries. However, by the time the quad had arrived, the denizen had realized the deceitful checkmate made so long ago. The eyes of the town’s head official locked with Ramdao’s. “So, I see you’re consorting with the children of the damned.” he told him. Ramdao insisted, “I am not directing them to do this city any harm.” The head official doubted him and initiated combat.
 Ramdao had created a diversion with a smokescreen. “Showing how much you’d be tiger fucked against me would eat up valuable time.” The head official was stupid enough to ignore his advice and swung at him again. This time, Ramdao had decided to eliminate this pestering roadblock. As the head official’s fist had missed, Ramdao had taken a dagger and stabbed him through the ribcage. Then, Ramdao finished him off with a game of “Haitian Pin the Tail on the Donkey”; a move where using his mix of Voodoo, Santeria and Telekinesis had the dagger stab the head official much deeper than his ribcage.
 Each new wound would drain blood faster than the last. As the head official collapsed from death, Ramdao had realized the plight he added to the quad’s journey. “I apologize for this so greatly.” he pleaded. Christie darkly reassured his actions saying, “I would’ve made him eat his spine, so you actually went easy on him.” They decided to flee from the city at that moment.
 Hours had passed since adding to the blood on their hands. Finding a rather lulled area to camp out for the night, plans seemed to get haywire once they realized where the great evil was based. “Please tell me I’m reading this map incorrectly...” Lorenzo said. “No, even I have to admit that you’re reading that correctly.” Sawyer retorted. “What the fuck is going on?” Christie asked. Meaghan asked for the map to see what the concern amounted to. After examining it and getting a concurred sentiment from Ramdao, she presented her findings.
 “Well, it looks like we’re fucked.” she began. “It appears the great evil is based out of Nouveau Antigone.” “The place considered the epicenter of French and Greek fusion culture?” Sawyer replied. “Why would that monster ruin that city?” “It doesn’t appear she’s ruined that city in terms of infrastructure.” She began. “However, she has ruined entertainment to where most of the townspeople have committed suicide.” Christie queried, “How many cities and plot points until Nouveau Antigone?” “I’m not sure on plot points, but it’s an entire ocean’s sailing to get there?” Meaghan responded. “Isn’t there a Bering Strait type of landmass to save time?” Lorenzo wondered. “I’m amazed at how you know of the Bering Strait.” Christie said. “I’m not totally stupid.” Lorenzo began. “I’m just terrible with subtlety and all forms of subtext.”
 Meaghan had muttered concurring thoughts whilst examining the map for anything she and Ramdao may have missed. Her eyes locked on a port city not even ten miles to the South of them.
 “We might have an answer in Costa Amethyst.” she said.
 “Thank God.” Christie began. “I’m going to sleep. See you fuckers in the morning.”
 “Agreed.” Ramdao said. “Let’s rest up and venture off at sunrise.”
 As they had begun to slumber, Lorenzo and Sawyer had unresolved issues from the quad’s brief stay in Salieri Heights. “Do you hate me that much, Sawyer?” Lorenzo asked.
“Are we really trying to make a mountain out of a molehill again?” he quipped. “Stop that!” Lorenzo replied. “No, I don’t hate you Lorenzo.” Sawyer began. “I just wouldn’t fuck you is all. Apart from being partially related, I can’t imagine sucking off and pleasuring a man as dumb as you.” “Makes sense.” Lorenzo said. “Though I can’t imagine why our dads did it despite being related.” “They were actually part related like us.” Sawyer said. “How?” Lorenzo wondered. “Well, McRay and Charlie donated sperm to separate clinics. The intent was two different women entirely.” Sawyer began. “The different clinics then gave it to women who turned out to be twins separated from birth.”
 “Wow...I’m surprised they didn’t have six toes or anything else weird.” Lorenzo said.
 “They did, but that took care of itself while they were in the womb. Now shut the fuck up and rest up for Costa Amethyst tomorrow.” Sawyer replied.
 When sunrise came, the quad and Ramdao had readied themselves for their next stop. Four miles into the trek, they were met with quite unwelcoming company. Monstrous beings made themselves present before them. Erratic vocal patterns first perplexed the entire quad. “What the hell are these things and what in God’s name is ‘Sterek’ or ‘Shevine’?” Meaghan queried. Christie knew the answer to her questions. “These are rabid ‘shippers’; people with a little too much free time who construct fictitious workings over figures from Movies, TV and Comic Books.”
 “So...these are just rabid fanboys; right?” Sawyer asked.
 “Fanboys know where to draw the line compared to these fucking people.” Christie responded. “Wait...” Meaghan started. “What are ‘Sterek’ and ‘Shevine’?” “The couplings of Stiles and Derek from MTV’s Teen Wolf and Blake Shelton and Adam Levine from The Voice.” Christie said. “Ok...now I know for sure that they’re insane.” Lorenzo stated.
“Don’t be quick to judge all shippers based on these fucking nutcases.” Christie advised. “Well are we going to just stand here or are we going to finish these facial wasters?”
 The quad had engaged the rabid shippers for what felt like an eternity. Cries of fandom at first stunned them until Meaghan figured out a way to fight around this. She had noticed that by closing her eyes and not seeing the rabid shippers, directed their cries away from the quad. “Everybody; do what their parents and society had in order for them to become such monsters. Close your eyes and hope they go away.” she commanded. One by one, they shut their eyes and heard the cries being directed away from them.
 “Ramdao...activate some type of Zatoichi incantation on yourself and finish them all off.” she commanded. Ramdao had muttered an incantation and attained a temporary blindness. As soon as he uttered the confirmation to the others, Meaghan instructed the others to open their eyes but in a direction to not draw attention of the rabid shippers. “Pretend it’s Sodom and Gomorrah...only instead of a pillar of salt, I’ll make sure you turn into vulture feed if you look back.” she said to them.
 Ramdao’s temporary handicap allowed him to finish off the rabid shippers with ease. Shrieks as each one succumbed to death proved to the quad of his usefulness. “Wow, it’s like he’s going through them like they’re Kleenex in an adolescent’s room.” Sawyer noted. “With the same amount of shrieking, no less.” Meaghan added. Christie thought to herself, “I wonder if he could play jump rope with their spinal cords. Or better yet, whip the others to death with them.” Minutes later, Lorenzo noted the activity had dissolved. “Check in on him, Meaghan.” Before she uttered anything, Ramdao had reversed the incantation and told the others of his success. Christie was rather pleased with his work. “You didn’t play jump rope with their spinal cords, but I suppose I can be happy with you playing SkipIt with their intestines.”
 The rest of their journey to Costa Amethyst had been without other interferences. Each of them agreed that in order to avoid blatant detection, they’d have to create a new identity of sorts. Meaghan and Christie would play mother and daughter a la Hester and Pearl. Lorenzo would assume the role of a mere tourist. Ramdao and Sawyer assumed the role of martial artist master and disciple. They each split up into different parts of town hoping to find out about any ferry service to Nouveau Antigone.
 Hours of pumping information out of the residents proved to be infuriating. Christie thought to herself, “These people must be set on fire the minute we come back from this quest.” Lorenzo had no luck with information, but did engage in sex with a strapping fellow in an alley way. “Wow. I have to come back here the minute the quest is over.” he thought. Ramdao and Sawyer had better luck than the rest and tracked the others down. After they were reunited, Ramdao regaled them as to what they learned.
 “Bad news...there’s never been direct ferry route to Nouveau Antigone from Costa Amethyst.” he said. “Are we in the wrong town?” Meaghan asked. Sawyer replied, “That’s not the issue. That’s good news along with a travel route that leaves in an hour or so.” “Is there a catch?” Christie queried. “No, we just need to head to the harbor and catch the ferry to Cape Elysses.” Ramdao replied. Meaghan, Christie and Lorenzo were stunned. “Cape Elysees?!” they shouted. “It’s the only city that’s a guaranteed shot to Nouveau Antigone.” Sawyer assured. “We know that just based on the fact that it’s only 30 miles south of Nouveau Antigone.” Christie began. “Although, that place looks like a Monet gallery took a shit and wiped its ass with doilies.” “We’ll get through it, Christie. I promise.” Ramdao told her.
 They successfully boarded the ferry and right at the one hour mark, it left the harbor for Cape Elysses. As soon as they lost their regalia and assumed their actual skin, they were in awe
that they weren’t singled out for their true identity. They co-mingled with the other passengers and discovered that they weren’t the only ones attempting to vanquish the great evil. The entire ferry was full of renegade factions, hordes and alliances dedicated to fighting off and ultimately slaying the great evil. Christie assumed a leadership role and asked everyone, “So you can’t stand that terrible bitch from The Voice either, huh?”
 The ferry roared in concurring thoughts. “Yeah! That bitch can’t project at all while singing!” one ferry attendee said. “Yeah; she makes me sick with her voice and looks.” another began. “She looks like Kimora Lee Simmons got fucked by a WNBA player!” Christie said, “Right idea, only she looks like Tokyo Rose got fucked by Tiger Woods.” Lorenzo added, “Not to mention her hair looks like Princess Leia and Sanjaya lost a fight with a lawn mower.” The raucous laughter was validation of the quad and Ramdao’s position as leaders of the ferry. Their first act was to gather the most coordinated of the newly formed army to assume navigation duties for the captain.
 A rather lanky but sinister lad who was indeed the most coordinated there, took on the mission. “You’re lanky and evil but cute like Waluigi.” Meaghan started. “That will be your name from now on. Understand, Waluigi?” He replied, “Indeed. Would you like it open casket or closed casket style offing?” “Buried at sea, bitch!” Christie demanded. “You got it!” Waluigi replied. He raced to the captain’s dock, sliced through ancillary guards and killed the captain. The sight of the captain’s body tossed from the dock into the sea confirmed the success. “This is Captain Waluigi reporting. The one before me died of unexpected but deserved causes. Oh and if you saw a weird looking object in place of his head, I replaced it with a festive ‘Cast Away’ style volleyball.” The crowd oohed and aahed at that creative yet macabre thought.
 As expected, the course for Cape Elysses would proceed smoothly unless Waluigi would
alert them otherwise. One such moment came when he alerted the ferry of an impending doom. “Alright, everyone. We’re coming up in the vicinity of a ‘Hydra from the Odyssey’ type of situation.” The ferry grew alarmed. “Nine of us are going to die?!” one asked. Waluigi responded, “No, but we will have to lose one of the cuter ones.” “Why?” Lorenzo asked. Waluigi explained that the scenario in question involved something far worse; a group of nine One Direction fans grieving over their deaths. “Oh God!” Sawyer asked. “Which member do they wish to grieve for?” The cries of “Niall!” answered that question quickly. “Find someone who looks like Niall and offer them as a sacrifice.” Waluigi urged.
 “Oh no, that’s so difficult...” Christie sardonically started. “Alright Kevin, time to die.” Kevin responded, “Couldn’t we just hold a ‘beauty pageant’ as a diversion?” “Nice try, but nobody else looks that blond and that seemingly Kinsey 6 quite like you.” she replied. He was escorted to the spot where Waluigi instructed them. All the others could do is wait for Kevin to fade into an obscurity they wanted no knowledge of. “Any popcorn or snacks on anybody?” Christie asked. “I have cheddar Goldfish in a baggy.” one burly faction member said. “Sweet. Thank you!” she replied.
 At the last minute, Kevin created a diversion no one believed worked. As one of the fans’ enlarged claw like hands reached for him, he pretended to be Niall’s ghost. “Don’t do this anymore, miss.” he began. “Louis, Harry Zayn, Liam and me are fine and want you to remember us as those who touched your lives.” The claw rescinded and let the ferry go without harm. The crowd waited until they were far away from the makeshift hydra to applaud him.
 “Way to go Kevin!” one said. “Way to milk their emotions, you beautiful bastard.” another said. “Boo, you were supposed to die.” Christie said. “Sorry, but I knew I wanted to avoid death for all of us.” Kevin replied. “What do you say?” Christie thought before saying,
“Look; a bullet.” Kevin asked, “Huh?” before he was shot in-between the eyes. “Every idiot I’ve done that to, never thinks to duck.” she uttered. The ferry was reminded of Christie’s authority and bloodlust in one fell swoop. “Big Fucker?” she asked the burly faction member who gave her the cheddar Goldfish. “Yes?” he replied. “Bury Kevin at sea but hero style...meaning a cotton blanket wrapped around him, please.” she said. He complied and wrapped Kevin’s body in a cotton blanket and tossed it from the ferry. As some merely thanked his actions, one horde member actually held a moment of silence for him. Christie shot him dead as well; “Get your asses back from the ledge unless you want me to shoot you from it as well!” she yelled.
 They scurried back to hear Captain Waluigi announce imminent land ho. “Alright passengers; only a short distance from Cape Elysees and the next sequence of plot development for all of us!” “Hooray!” they exclaimed. Lorenzo was excited at the thought of getting more coitus from easy and desperate men. Though he couldn’t help but notice Sawyer growing complacent and withdrawn. “What’s wrong?” he asked. Sawyer replied, “Something terrible will occur at Cape Elysees. I’m sure of it and can’t think of any preventative measures.”
 Before Lorenzo could pump more information, Captain Waluigi announced, “Attention passengers; we have just set anchor in Cape Elysses. The city that looks like a Monet gallery took a shit and wiped its ass with doilies.” Lorenzo decided not to press the issue further.
 The quad, Ramdao and the army ventured off the ferry and into the city. The denizens were frightened at the sight of them and Meaghan would make sure their intent was clear. Spotting a soapbox, she stepped on it and made the announcement; “Greetings to you all from the makers of your doom...should you fuck with us. We are passing through, merely on a quest to vanquish a terrible force in the entertainment industry. We will not cause you any harm as long as you don’t fuck with us. Anybody dumb enough to try, wins a Darwin Award.” A man asked,
“What’s this Darwin Award you speak of?” Christie answered by throwing a harpoon at his heart. “A slight at someone who could’ve died a preventable death...like someone dumb enough to ask what a Darwin Award is in those pants. Icky!” One alliance member said to a horde member, “This sick little twat just killed a man in broad daylight!” The horde member replied, “I am most certain, she’ll be the cause of our deaths.”
 After making themselves clear, the quad, Ramdao and the army sought shelter big enough for them all. A man who owned the Hilton Cape Elysses agreed to deed the entire property to them as long as he, his family and the guests vacated weren’t going to die. “Relax, they won’t die.” Sawyer assured. Christie quipped, “As long as the food doesn’t suck and there’s primo Wi-Fi, we’ll make sure not to hunt you down.” They gave him time to evacuate the entire hotel. After the last few people were evacuated, the Hilton Cape Elysses became a fortress that would evoke the worst of human rage.
 Breaking the hotel in and making the renovations needed then and there, the quad and Ramdao took the elevator to their self distributed penthouse suites. Alongside them were, Waluigi, “Big Fucker” and men Lorenzo and Sawyer deemed fit for sex. The moment they set their belongings aside, the quad had Waluigi announce a meeting in the newly est. “Foyer of Pending Bedlam”.
 The first meeting had Christie assume the same and frightening path of initial leadership her mother and grandmother  had. “From this moment on, we renounce any impulsion to having a conscious in executing the grand plan. The ends will justify the means...do I make myself clear?!” The army had a resounding concurrence. Christie had Meaghan elaborate on how much they knew of the great evil. “All we know is that the great evil is based in Nouveau Antigone. Her presence is a catalyst for suicide.” “That’s terrible!” one shouted.
“How we get there and who we slaughter along the way is unclear.” she continued. “That’s why we need you; so we can collectively defeat this bitch before it’s too late.” One faction leader asked, “How many of us do you think will die?” Sawyer replied, “We don’t think too many of you will perish. Maybe five to about less than half of you by the time this is over.” An alliance member asked, “Is there any idea of how to traverse the landscape in this weather?” Christie responded, “Good question...any physical geography buffs out of you bloodthirsty fuckwads?” “I’ve got a Master’s in Physical Geography from Loki & Hagar University.” a horde leader said. “You’ve just moved up to 8th floor status.” Meaghan said. The horde leader was happy at this news and received what would’ve been Kevin’s hotel suite.
 A faction member arose and said, “I’m Satchee.” Christie said, “Holy crap, you’re a woman; a Native American woman at that. Apache, by chance?” “Indeed.” Satchee replied. “Don’t you think we’d need to win over or the very least subdue the city before leaving?” “Why do you propose such an idea?” Lorenzo queried. “We can’t risk a last minute ransacking while we sleep.” Satchee retorted. “Good point.” Meaghan began. “Any ideas on how, Sawyer?” She looked to see his chair empty. “Sawyer?” Christie began. “Where the fuck are you, Sawyer?”
 She beckoned two army members by the door to search for him. When they opened the Foyer’s doors, they had seen Sawyer outside the hotel staring at a roaring fire.
 “He’s staring at nothing but fire outside!” one said.
 “He looks rather catatonic!” the other shouted.
They all rushed outside to where he was standing, to see that beyond the reaches of the Hilton Cape Elysees, the city itself was set ablaze. Screams all over were heard as those who weren’t on holiday, had been in the process of succumbing to death’s grip. “Oh my God!” Meaghan said. “What the fuck caused all of this?” Christie wondered. Lorenzo sensed that Sawyer knew full
well who had set the city of Cape Elysees ablaze.
 “Sawyer...” he began.
 “I told you something terrible was going to take place.”
 “Why did you do this?” Lorenzo pressed. “Why?”
 “Somebody told me that they had known of you biblically back at Costa Amethyst...and I couldn’t stand for anyone else knowing you like that.”
 The army was floored to have heard Sawyer infer a love with Lorenzo. “But he’s dumber than a box of cat shit!” one shouted. “Seriously; I don’t think he realizes the floor gets wet in the shower!” another added. “I still have enough Goldfish to enjoy this shit.” Christie snidely added. Ramdao muttered, “Like his lineage before him; always crazy for the stupid ones.”
 Lorenzo was flattered but concerned for Sawyer’s mental health. “It’s one thing to love somebody, but why the fuck did you set this city on fire?” Sawyer began, “I don’t want anyone else near you...unless we’re in an orgy.” “Surprising perspective for a guy who set a city on fire.” Meaghan quipped. “That and I wanted to prevent a last minute ransacking.” Sawyer finished.
 “Is this what you had in mind, Satchee?” Christie asked.
 “No, but it’s a nice touch.” she replied.

W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. Post 3: Aubrey O'Day

This is a series dedicated to women who despite success in the U.S. Music Industry, have est. a very complicated image for themselves.


Round 3 of this post goes to over-boiled sexpot of Danity Kane, Celebrity Apprentice alumna and considered by fans of RuPaul's Drag Race as the worst guest judge in show anthology, Aubrey O'Day.

MTV's guilty pleasure ["stomach staple" of their line-up] (YouTube persona and Juicy Magazine contributor Shirea L. Carroll would use the term "part of the reality chitlins circuit"), When I Was 17 revealed that prior to subjecting herself to Diddy's infamous Making The Band, Aubrey was an ordinary girl; image issues and all.

Cut to her first breakout on Making The Band "3.1". That version came after Making The Band 2 group "Da Band" would be dissolved after being [in the nicest way possible] a no-hit blunder. Music mogul/rapper/eccentric Diddy [who was answering to "P. Diddy" at the time] had decided to make the next big U.S. and International girl group phenom. In "3.1", he made the decision to keep 3 of the 7 girls left that were the band at the time. He wasn't impressed with the collective, but decided to keep O'Day along with Malika and Aundrea Fimbres.

In "3.2", Malika would be cut and O'Day and Fimbres would make the final group alongside Shannon Bex, Wanita "D.Woods" Woodgett and Dawn Richard. Naming themselves after an anime like character Richard had drawn named, "Danity Kane", they would go on to "3.3" where O'Day's tension with the process was est. At some points recording their eponymous debut effort, most of the songs had little vocal input from O'Day and had her sulk in the parking lot.
After being told that [to an extent] "some songs are just going to be this way, but you still matter", she re-entered the studio and proceeded to ride the success of a functioning Making The Band group.

From S4 of that show as featured roles, O'Day and Combs' feuding was starting to reveal the cracks in DK. She [apart from wanting to maintain a slutty image] openly accused Diddy of trying to screw over the group by secretly working with Dawn on solo stuff for her. 2 things with that...

1. She is right to question her value in the group. Any potential signs of wanting to dissolve the group to start solo efforts should be made clear.

2. Playing Devil's Advocate for a bit...even if he was indeed trying to do that at the time, they were his decisions to make. She had the nerve to act like she was on the same executive level as Diddy demanding what his intentions were.

Cut to the S4 finale and O'Day is fired from the group; D. Woods had been fired as well for some type of solidarity with O'Day.
Ironically, looking back this proved she had some perceptiveness to her; Dawn would still work with Diddy in the One Hit Wonder why the fuck they named themselves act "Diddy-Dirty Money". That and Dawn would release a 2013 solo album, Goldenheart, but independently (Which is some level of code for "Won't be shit sales wise).

Eventually in 2011, O'Day partnered with the Oxygen channel for her reality show "All About Aubrey". The best part of this show (Yes I typed that with no irony) bitch fests aside was that it showed off her voice which kicks ass. Her debut solo single, "Automatic" was an iTunes sensation. BONUS: Aundrea shows up towards the end of the series [and then bails out for unspecified reasons; *Side note; they did mend their friendship as was revealed in one of O'Day's Ustream videos*]

As of now, her Celebrity Apprentice 3rd place finish (Same season as Comedy Central's "loveable" stomach staple, Lisa Lampanelli) w/ reputation as a mega-bitch according to Arsenio Hall and Clay Aiken; guest judge role on RuPaul's Drag Race being read down the house [despite the "tasteful" remark, "Hers {perfume} is the only one that I would wear. Everything else smells like...grandma's vag to me."] career is sort of in a stand still.

Apart from "Automatic", two other songs "Wrecking Ball" and her EP effort single "Before I Drown" are the only other known fully released songs from her. Songs from "All About Aubrey" that haven't been heard of since the show to my knowledge include "Hitchhiker", "Goodbye Heartbreak" and "Ego Trippin'" ft. Aundrea Fimbres. The sad thing is that Aubrey can actually sing but has always been overshadowed by what makes her one of the many W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I.; her slutty image and in a way overly bitchy attitude.

Her original sex kitten image was est. in "3.2" when Blender Magazine had her in a photo shoot that had banked off of her "3.1" fame. It turned to slut in an infamous cover and spread for Complex Magazine. In the  behind the scenes video and finished product, Aubrey was featured in some type of nightclub/bar atmosphere and posed rather slutty with strobe light effects all around her. Dawn would go on record w/ People Magazine and relay that the spread and shoot helped further her divide her and Diddy's rift alongside alienating younger fans of DK.
The bitchy attitude came in S4 when she had been arguing back and forth with her boss. For all of Diddy's faults he did have more leverage than she did no matter how much she hated that. That was another violation of an ugly truth with girl groups:

The image the label sets flies for everyone involved in the group;

different sides get to come out when your solo stuff does.

Despite a kickass vocal, let Aubrey's status as one of many W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. remind us yet again of the golden rule of girl groups [not to be confused with the ugly truth above]:

Pretend to play nice with others if you want others to press play on your solo efforts.

Up next; she has The Voice but an image that needs Coaching.

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Results of The Top 6

Tonight on The Voice U.S., 6 would become 5 as I was nervously awaiting the outcome of my Twitter operations "No More Kewpie" and "No More Swon". Did either operation attain success? Did I hate the voting public who didn't side with me? Either could be yes or no. Below are the results and fodder of the Top 6.

Let's play rough and get it on!

The show kicked off with a visit from S3 Winner Cassadee Pope. My mute button and I enjoyed the performance so much > : ) ; "All T, All Shade". Admittedly, the set dressers for that performance deserve a raise. So much to take in to detract her vocals...I say pay raise for all of them. I had a blast with reading Cassadee down the house over Twitter where ["Shameless Plug"] you can find me and direct all fan/hate tweets to me.

The "Coach's Corner" was fodder and rehashing the same ol' shade between the coaches. Sasha "Birthday Girl" Allen and Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel performed together singing "Open Your Heart" by Madonna. (I didn't know of that Madonna song in particular; I was made in 1990. Yes I know of Google...> : ( Daaaaaaaaamn!)

The first saved was Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel from Team Usher. YAY! The voting public didn't fuck things up. : )

Then news of Blake's concert "Healing In The Heartland" raising $6,000,000 dollars was relayed. Usher's last artist and all of Team Blake were shown near what was once the elementary school. Heartbreak aside, I admit that their rendition of the National Anthem was rather pleasing. Then footage of them at the concert was shown. Starbucks and The U.S. raised c. $1,000,000 and reminders that work needing to be done was relayed.

The second saved was Sasha "Birthday Girl" Allen and I was elated yet again that the voting public didn't fuck things up. : )

Then the Corny Duo and Holly teamed up for the second duet of the night. They performed a song called "Leave the Pieces" *Side note to the person who was tweeting that night; you put the artist who sang the song with the title.*

The third saved was Kewpie Doll. I hated the voting public so much; that save meant that operation "No More Kewpie" was derailed.

After that the next duet of Kewpie Doll and Amber singing "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles. Amber whipped Kewpie Doll in that duet. Truth...and *shaaaaaaaaaaaaade*

The fourth saved was Amber and Adam is relieved that he isn't the first coach eliminated this season. I was relieved as well.

The last saved was the Corny Duo. I abhor the voting public as operation "No More Swon" was derailed as well.

Booted: Holly Tucker. : ( T_T She was the only person from Team Blake I liked since Xenia from S1. She deserved better than constant "boring" critiques from other recap providers of the show.

All in all, with both operations being derailed, the show was a mixed bag this week. Up next for scrutiny, The  Top 5 performances where the operations will continue.

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Top 6 Performances

Today marked my Twitter based operations to rid of Kewpie Doll and the Corny Duo [Yes I am that borderline shameless]. It also marked when the Top 6 contestants were tasked with singing a song of their choice and their coach's choice. *Note: Only 1 gets "das boot" after these performances*

Let's play rough and get it on!

First up was Holly Tucker of Team Blake. His choice for her is Martina McBride's "When God Fearin' Women Get the Blues". Her sass is questioned again as her Texas meter is supposed to be thrust into overdrive. She is able to show off some sass while her singing was kind of shaky. Not terrible, but maybe she was getting sick of hearing the same bullshit about her sass being called into question.

Second was Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel of Team Usher. His choice for her is "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane. This is the song that screwed bowtie enthusiast, Pip from S2 O_O. Her critique is to not end up "Fender Ketchup" against everybody. She succeeds and even finds a way to inject the "proposal dance move" in such a blase mellow song. The coaches (Adam suggestively clearing his throat for all the Shevine shippers and all) like Michelle's chances of success.

Third was the Corny Duo of Team Blake. Their choice is "Wagon Wheel" by Darius Rucker (Yes the "Hootie" of Hootie and The Blowfish) I only hope this was their first nail in the coffin tonight. "All T, All Shade". Bonus points for the whores...err "Saloon Women" -_- on set with major acting chops.

Fourth was Sasha Allen of Team Shakira. Her choice was "Ain't No Way" by Aretha Franklin. The song has a special connotation to her as it's her mother's favorite song. Cut to her performance. She "Shanghai'd" that bitch into submission as "Shaki's" jaw dropped from how amazing it was. Adam is read for filth again for letting Sasha loose in the Battle Rounds. (For that lapse in judgment him screwing over Karina Iglesias for HRFH is still what I consider his dumbest move).

Fifth was Kewpie Doll of Team Blake. Capitalizing off her "Maybe It Was Memphis" success *retches* she's tasked with his choice of "Shake The Sugar Tree" by Pam Tillis. -_- Carson makes reference to the fact that she'd be just released from school at her age; Blake thinks she makes his job easier and I told Smokey the Bear that a forest fire would commence with Danielle's sugar tree.

Sixth was Amber Carrington of Team Adam. His choice is "I Remember You" by Skid Row. Her challenge is to take an awful 80s song and make it feel like her boot scootin' boogie country self. Compared to "Skyfall" this performance is rather bland. However, each artist gets 2 songs this night and Amber hasn't had an off night in this show.

The Corny Duo returned with their tongue twisting selection "Okie From Muskogee" by Merle Haggard. No saloon whores...err saloon girls so that is an improvement. However, the mute button made this their best performance yet *shaaaaaaaaaaaaade*

Holly returned with her song choice, "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts. Having to combine personal connection in this performance with her first performance seemed a bit daunting. However, come showtime Holly did as she needed to. *Side note: The lighthouse was very pretty*

Michelle returned with her song choice "I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift. Ms. Swift was there as a surprise guest and was even impressed with Michelle in rehearsals. Come showtime, she proceeded to her "thang" [and made narcissism cute with her name on the drums; WORK!] Carson was even haunted by his TRL days when the audience was screaming with enthusiasm. That aside, she dropkicked that performance.

Amber returned with her song choice "Crazy" by Patsy Cline. She and Adam wanted to make Blake cry. They just became my favorite duo ever. > : ) Showtime came and Amber solidified her dark horse status. Of course, the show would be remiss if HRFH and Screech being cut last week wasn't brought up. Yes they went home; even though I apologized to them both I'm still happy their overrated asses went home. Sorry, but sometimes when the hype gets overthrown everybody needs to move on. That aside, Amber was fabulously minimalist.

Kewpie Doll returned for her sacrificial acceptances...err second performance. She chooses "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans. Rehearsals indicated that she may have bitten off more than she could chew. However, I had the mute button on come showtime so I kind of don't care. If she or the Swons get the boot I'd be ecstatic. Anyway, she proceeds to get more undeserved praise much like HRFH every other week.

Sasha closed out the night with "Shaki's" choice "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood. A fierce wardrobe change and kicking the ass of that song led to 2 things...

1. "The Sing 10 Carrie Underwood Songs and Get a Free Meal" card got used up.

2. She won the category, "Soul Diva turned Country Diva Realness" at the nonexistent 2013 Swear Ball Extravaganza!

All in all, with operations "No More Kewpie" and "No More Swon" in effect, The Voice put out another successful show. Next up for scrutiny, the results of the Top 6.

W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I Post 2: Nicole Scherzinger

This is a series dedicated to women who despite success in the U.S. Music Industry, have est. a very complicated image for themselves.


Round 2 of this series goes to Hawaiian born, Kentucky raised (And someone who's sold 50 albums in her solo career *Hawaiian statehood reference*) queen of ambitiousness in the U.S. turned U.K. Music Industry, Nicole Scherzinger.

Scherzinger to me, wasn't much more than she who sang lead in the Pussycat Dolls. That was before VH1's Behind The Music revealed how much of a non-team playing famewhore she's always been. She was born in Hawaii and had to relocate to Kentucky when she was young. Her home life became a personal hell; Despite being beautiful, bitches with blonde highlights in KY made her develop eating disorders and hate herself for years.

Cut to her first major music related outbreak the mainstream knew of; Popstars, which in the U.S. kind of tanked after Nicole's season. [This came after Behind The Music had revealed that even before that, she had been in a group called Days of the New. They split after Nicole est. her role of not being a team player...err wanting to go solo.] She emerged out of the gate as someone to be reckoned with after singing the Whitney Houston song famous through "The Bodyguard" (You should all know what song that is by now). She eventually wins a spot in the group that formed that season known as "Eden's Crush" who went on to One Hit Wonder/Blunder status with the song "Get Over Yourself". It was during that mention in Behind The Music that her doesn't play well with others status arose. When looking at photos of the group, Nicole hated all of the photos where she thought she didn't look good. Keep in mind, Nicole's dream was to make a solo album of her own. That will be a theme throughout this post.

After the group had folded, Nicole went on to be the last person to audition for The Pussycat Dolls as things were about to wrap up. PRIMER: The group started as a burlesque troupe founded in the late 90s by Robin Antin. Around the time Nicole had auditioned, Antin and Interscope Records joined forces to have a version of the troupe as a girl group. BTM relayed that Scherzinger showed up in "dowdy" clothes for the audition [Pinstripe pants from Forever 21 was something she "splurged" on]. Keep in mind, she suffered with image issues. So when Nicole was told to change her wardrobe into something more scintillating, she should've clued in that this was to spell disaster. However, Antin and her cohort had found a star in Nicole. Oh; did I forget to mention that this cohort of hers was Ron Fair?
Ron Fair is someone who hadn't played nice with others early on. In P!nk's BTM, (while Fair was representing Christina Aguilera) he supposedly showed up with her in tow for the "Lady Marmalade" remake  and didn't even give a sweet nothing type of greeting to those on set. His and Nicole's refusal to play nice with others laid the ground work needed.

Cut to the breakout of The Pussycat Dolls; I would be remiss with dignity intact not to reference that fakakta song's chorus; "Don't Cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?". Things seem to be tolerable for at least the first song released. Then, a bit of a bombshell is dropped. For the group's debut effort, PCD, supposedly Nicole did "95%" of the vocals and Melody "ad libbed here and there". She then alleges that the others had only listened to the album when she and Ron were finished with the album.

Unanswered questions;

1. Why wasn't Melody reached for comment? Ashley was the only PCD member that agreed to be on the show. Something about only bringing her and not the one that supposedly ad libbed here and there is much too fishy.

2. Why the hell didn't the rest leave if what Nicole alleged was fact?

Well that's kind of answered with the fact that they would go on to release their last album, Doll Domination. Though not before Nicole would try to hawk a solo effort on her own.

Her Name Is Nicole was intended to be her dream at the expense of others come true. Her solo album extraordinaire. Though "Whatever U Like" ft. T.I. was a moderate success, follow up single "Baby Love" (Stickwitu 0.5) while popular in Europe, didn't do a damn thing on U.S. charts. Cut to her promo singles, "Supervillain" and "Puakenikeni" doing the same as "Baby Love" and the record was shelved. BTM showcased "deflated and defeated" Nicole as she "understood" that the audience wanted the group.

Doll Domination would spawn the hit single/Bally's fitness jingle "When I Grow Up" but by then, everyone in PCD hated each other. Especially when BTM relayed that she and Ron Fair were already scheming to have the song "Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)" for the Slumdog Millionaires soundtrack...without the group. In honest business talk, they called PCD a brand. The layout for the song pretty much read like this...

A.R. Rahman &

The Pussycat Dolls

feat. Nicole Scherzinger

Jai Ho!

(You Are My Destiny)

O_O Shit-storm alert! Shit-storm alert O_O

After Doll Domination, PCD was no more. Cut to Nicole's admitting of a very serious medical disorder; bulimia. She eventually sought treatment for it and came to peace with herself.

Then Killer Love was released completing the goal of a Nicole Scherzinger debut album. QUICK GAME for U.S. readers; name someone you know in the States that actually bought Killer Love. I'll wait *shaaaaaaade*. Even BTM didn't pretend like it made real impact in the States relaying every positive it garnered in the U.K.

Cut to her career highlights now; after winning Dancing With The Stars, when not being read the house down for her stint on The X Factor U.S. or giving orgasm laced commercials for Herbal Essences, she's making a musical splash in the U.K. Recent footage of her at an event celebrating Andrew Lloyd Webber, showcased her bitchslapping "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" from his musical, Evita. She's now confirmed as a returning judge for the U.K.'s X Factor.

Although the Webber tribute proved that she had talent all along, let Nicole's status as one of the W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I prove the golden rule of girl groups...

Pretend to play nice with others if you want others to press play on your solo efforts.

Next up; an apple O'Day can keep the Diddy away.

W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I Post 1: Ke$ha

This is a series dedicated to women who despite success in the U.S. Music Industry, have est. a very complicated image for themselves.

Note: The acronym above stands for...

Women With Complicated Images In The Music Industry

Round 1 of this series goes to L.A. born; Nashville raised turned glitter queen of the U.S. pop scene, Ke$ha.

She started off as Kesha Rose Sebert; the daughter of singer/songwriter Pebe Sebert who was living in Nashville. Featured on The Simple Life [Where cumbucket extraordinaire Paris Hilton and friend Nicole Richie were younger and dumber], Ke$ha's music ambitions were featured as she was trying to pimp herself.

Cut to her initial groundwork of songwriting and demo work with help of producers Dr. Luke & Max Martin. Ke$ha ended up singing backup for Paris' song "Nothing In This World" [nothing else came of that relationship after Ke$ha had puked in Paris' closet]. She eventually got an non-credited but featured spot on Flo Rida's "Right Round". The dollar sign in her name came from that but in an ironic way. The story goes that she didn't see much money from her feature on the song. She put the "$" in her name because she didn't have enough money to even buy a taco. I welcome Ke$ha fans to elaborate and correct me on any assorted details mentioned.

Her solo breakout in the business happened in 2009 when her auto-tuned self debuted such "poignant" lines as "Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy." and "Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of jack." "TiK ToK" became an initial earworm of pop music (It either means the song is so bad you'd want to insert an earworm in your brain; or that the song gets stuck in your head. I forget which it is or if it's both.) but looking back it's actually her best song. O_O Yes, looking back on her work "TiK ToK" has stood out because it's actually her most tolerable song.

Her follow up song "Blah Blah Blah" would cement her budding reputation as "Love to Hate" pop royalty. More "eloquent" gems from her songwriting..."Quit being a little bitch with your chit chat; just show me where your dick is at!" and "Let's cut to the chase, kid. I know you don't care what my middle name is." (As Glozell Green reminded, "He don't even care what your first name is!") along with help from other "gritty" electro ish act 3OH!3, while giving her a taste of solo success also est. how terrible she is as a singer.
Despite that fundamental being ignored (along with the songs "Your Love Is My Drug" and "Take It Off") Ke$ha's debut effort Animal, would go on to be a commercial success peaking at #1 and being certified platinum.

Cut to her next effort [1st EP], Cannibal. The lead single "We R Who We R" (That styling just made thousands of English teachers sob) came at a time where "self confidence anthems" were being pimped by seemingly every artist in the industry. While it did help Ke$ha's career, lyrics like "Yes of course we does; we runnin' this town just like a club; and no you don't wanna mess with us; got Jesus on my neckalce-ace-ace." would cement the love to hate aspect of Ke$ha. That along the song "Blow", would help the EP be certified Gold.

Then after a remix album, her second proper album (Yes I typed that out with no intended oxymoron effect.) Warrior would be released in late 2012 (No stupid apocalypse remarks will be made.) The lead single "Die Young" added to more of the commercially successful...for some odd reason critically passable but putrid musicality Ke$ha seems to have a monopoly on. As of late, the album has peaked at number 6 on the Billboard Hot 200.

The reason Ke$ha has a complicated image is because while successful, she's deservedly attacked for relying on auto-tune like that is her drug. Also it should be pointed out, she's batshit insane and plays up too much of the "she who has been spread more than a migrating bird's wings" type of woman. Case in point, buzz around her MTV documentary-series "My Crazy Beautiful Life" had footage of her *supposedly* drinking her own urine. O_O O_O O_O O_O Add to that her book of the same name where she relayed into thinking she got fucked by a ghost, and that cements Ke$ha as one of many W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I.

Next up; The Faster This former Pussycat Doll gets Killed the better Kill...