Act II of Mass Kombat was written from 1/27/15 to 1/31/15. NSFW because I love you or something like that.
Enjoy!
Following their much needed bout of coitus, Shepard and Kaidan were able to regain their natural stances and met the remaining Authority in the War Room. Presenting themselves in their latest uniforms, Shepard pressed the Lead Executive of any pressing issues among the Armada. “It’s best we address these matters before we contemplate on what to do now that we’re finally in Seattle.”
Christie took the floor and had Silas and Therese by her side. “Commanders, by word of Nina and confirmation from Silas and Therese themselves; they express concern over their lives and question if they face indentured service to this Armada.” Shepard replied, “We don’t have any intent to have the refugees force their time for us.” Kaidan added, “If you don’t have it in you to fight in the Armada, we won’t be the type to make you.” Therese took the floor and explained her trepidations about the idea in the Armada.
“Sirs...” she began. “...it has nothing to do with any level of hatred I have for you. It only revolves around me being scared of everyday life. Outside of here, it seems silly of me to be scared of life. While I am here, it will only make my fears much worse.” Kaidan assured her, “You’re not being silly when you say any of this. We don’t know who to leave you to nor do we like the prospect of any of you being thrown to your own devices again. Yet if you, Silas and Nina want life outside of the Armada, we’re not going to stop you.” Silas then took the floor and explained his hang ups about being aboard or associated with the Armada longer.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Mass Kombat: Act I Part II
More of the three act work I call Mass Kombat. Same NSFW formality applies here.
Enjoy!
“The ‘Ferry’ Godmother” was now on course for Seattle, just as Christie had promised. Then, morning came long after Shepard and Kaidan had. Their self-appointed Lead War Room Executive, Christie, was tailed by Violetta, Catya and Blyvy (who unbeknownst to the Commanders had been named Co-Viceroys of the Armada War Room). “10 to 1 shot on an off-white finish of ‘XY Jam’ is coated on the walls.” Blyvy playfully deduced. “Make it a 99% chance Shepard’s unable to be seated without Kaidan’s assistance.” Violetta snarked. “Both of you bitches stop that.” Catya began. “$200 cash saying we’ll see them without despondent looks on their faces for once.” “We’re in.” Violetta and Blyvy replied. Christie then barged in the quarters to find Shepard and Kaidan in their post coital bliss; little spoon and big spoon positions respectively.
“No despondent looks on their faces; Catya won this fair and square.” Christie said. Shepard arose from Kaidan’s arms. “Won what now?” “Catya won $200 each from those two saying there wouldn’t be looks of death on your fucking faces for a change.” Christie began. “Wake your fellow Commander and get your asses to the War Room.” Without missing a beat, Shepard added “By the way. The finish on the walls is more of a semi-gloss.” “Damnit!” Blyvy exclaimed.
Once he and Kaidan were up, he found Kitana, Kenshi, Liu Kang, Johnny Cage and Jade weren’t officials but rather “privileged guests” in the War Room. Blyvy explained, “While they aren’t utterly worthless outside of these doors, these glorified yeomen are only here to re-negotiate their places on this very vessel.” Shepard warily complied with these roles knowing the extent to which at least Christie would exercise her authority. “Very well. Which of the Co-Viceroys under the Lead Executive has the first order of business?” Violetta stood and announced, “The first order of business is to re-negotiate the worth of one glorified yeoman who answers to the name, Johnny Cage.” Kaidan knew he too would be mince-meat if he didn’t play along. “Protocol briefing for the yeoman?” he queried. Violetta snidely assured, “Through extensive means of blaring primary colors on flash cards, Mr. Cage has been briefed in the procedure for today’s re-negotiation.” She directed Johnny to the other side of the room where a podium and a microphone awaited. Neither Shepard nor Kaidan had any clue as how to act next. “This is probably some elaborate set-up so he can be executed before us. It’s not the hardest thing to deny, but I can’t take any chances here.” Kaidan thought.
Enjoy!
“The ‘Ferry’ Godmother” was now on course for Seattle, just as Christie had promised. Then, morning came long after Shepard and Kaidan had. Their self-appointed Lead War Room Executive, Christie, was tailed by Violetta, Catya and Blyvy (who unbeknownst to the Commanders had been named Co-Viceroys of the Armada War Room). “10 to 1 shot on an off-white finish of ‘XY Jam’ is coated on the walls.” Blyvy playfully deduced. “Make it a 99% chance Shepard’s unable to be seated without Kaidan’s assistance.” Violetta snarked. “Both of you bitches stop that.” Catya began. “$200 cash saying we’ll see them without despondent looks on their faces for once.” “We’re in.” Violetta and Blyvy replied. Christie then barged in the quarters to find Shepard and Kaidan in their post coital bliss; little spoon and big spoon positions respectively.
“No despondent looks on their faces; Catya won this fair and square.” Christie said. Shepard arose from Kaidan’s arms. “Won what now?” “Catya won $200 each from those two saying there wouldn’t be looks of death on your fucking faces for a change.” Christie began. “Wake your fellow Commander and get your asses to the War Room.” Without missing a beat, Shepard added “By the way. The finish on the walls is more of a semi-gloss.” “Damnit!” Blyvy exclaimed.
Once he and Kaidan were up, he found Kitana, Kenshi, Liu Kang, Johnny Cage and Jade weren’t officials but rather “privileged guests” in the War Room. Blyvy explained, “While they aren’t utterly worthless outside of these doors, these glorified yeomen are only here to re-negotiate their places on this very vessel.” Shepard warily complied with these roles knowing the extent to which at least Christie would exercise her authority. “Very well. Which of the Co-Viceroys under the Lead Executive has the first order of business?” Violetta stood and announced, “The first order of business is to re-negotiate the worth of one glorified yeoman who answers to the name, Johnny Cage.” Kaidan knew he too would be mince-meat if he didn’t play along. “Protocol briefing for the yeoman?” he queried. Violetta snidely assured, “Through extensive means of blaring primary colors on flash cards, Mr. Cage has been briefed in the procedure for today’s re-negotiation.” She directed Johnny to the other side of the room where a podium and a microphone awaited. Neither Shepard nor Kaidan had any clue as how to act next. “This is probably some elaborate set-up so he can be executed before us. It’s not the hardest thing to deny, but I can’t take any chances here.” Kaidan thought.
Mass Kombat: Act I Part I
This happens to be a three act story I wrote in two and a half weeks or so. Thought I'd share it on the blog too.
Act I of this Mass Effect X Mortal Kombat fan fiction (of sorts) was written from 1/24/15 to 1/27/15.
Enjoy! [NSFW; I cuss and make the violence. Formality is all.]
Among the stars, the Milky Way was playing base to a vessel led by a man of equal legend and presence. Commander Shepard was leading the Normandy to Earth after receiving orders that all current fleets of the Alliance were to leave space and return to Earth. “It isn’t exactly a desired way to return, but I suppose it’s for the better.” he thought. After landing the Normandy at the designated station, he and most of his crew were forced to separate.
Shepard looked to his crew with exception to one Major and broke the news. “Per orders of the Admiral delivered by his personal Viceroy, this crew is to disperse until matters beyond our control reach a settlement.” His crew was dumbfounded at the order. Shepard explained, “It may have only been four months since defeating the reapers, but things between Earth and Space aren’t pretty right now.” Almost on cue, Major Kaidan Alenko stepped in to alleviate tension among the crew. “He’s not saying we’re discharged. He’s saying that for the first time in years, we get down time.”
The crew felt less hostile towards Shepard but not any less despondent. Kaidan glared at them and out of character scolded, “Save that ‘brooding’ mess for someone interested. That man you side-eye saved your asses to where he’s owed a free steak sandwich.” The crew eventually came to accept that Earth would have to be home if only for an indeterminate amount of time. Once Shepard relayed further detailed accounts that an agreement would take up to ten to fifteen years after reconstruction efforts (and in turn that a statute of five years of inactivity with no conduct violations was grounds for honorable discharge from the Alliance) the crew had James Vega thank him for his leadership on their behalf. “It’s more than apologizing for earlier today, Commander.” James said. Shepard replied, “There’s nothing wrong with being on edge after such a close call for your lives after all these years. Down time doesn’t feel right yet, but believe me. We all deserve this.”
Once the dispersing was complete, Shepard and Kaidan were relieved and took each other in their arms. “I was worried for you every day of my life.” Kaidan began. “Going down with the ship, seeing you on Horizon holding the leashes of Cerberus, thinking you were finally gone after you destroyed the reapers...” Shepard kissed him and comfortingly relayed, “I was twice as worried I would fuck up in the end. You kept me going and here we are.” Once directed to a set of barracks where civilian transport awaited the honorably discharged of the Alliance, the doors revealed an innocuous fleet. However, Shepard had begun feeling uneasiness in the barracks. “Something isn’t right.”
Act I of this Mass Effect X Mortal Kombat fan fiction (of sorts) was written from 1/24/15 to 1/27/15.
Enjoy! [NSFW; I cuss and make the violence. Formality is all.]
Among the stars, the Milky Way was playing base to a vessel led by a man of equal legend and presence. Commander Shepard was leading the Normandy to Earth after receiving orders that all current fleets of the Alliance were to leave space and return to Earth. “It isn’t exactly a desired way to return, but I suppose it’s for the better.” he thought. After landing the Normandy at the designated station, he and most of his crew were forced to separate.
Shepard looked to his crew with exception to one Major and broke the news. “Per orders of the Admiral delivered by his personal Viceroy, this crew is to disperse until matters beyond our control reach a settlement.” His crew was dumbfounded at the order. Shepard explained, “It may have only been four months since defeating the reapers, but things between Earth and Space aren’t pretty right now.” Almost on cue, Major Kaidan Alenko stepped in to alleviate tension among the crew. “He’s not saying we’re discharged. He’s saying that for the first time in years, we get down time.”
The crew felt less hostile towards Shepard but not any less despondent. Kaidan glared at them and out of character scolded, “Save that ‘brooding’ mess for someone interested. That man you side-eye saved your asses to where he’s owed a free steak sandwich.” The crew eventually came to accept that Earth would have to be home if only for an indeterminate amount of time. Once Shepard relayed further detailed accounts that an agreement would take up to ten to fifteen years after reconstruction efforts (and in turn that a statute of five years of inactivity with no conduct violations was grounds for honorable discharge from the Alliance) the crew had James Vega thank him for his leadership on their behalf. “It’s more than apologizing for earlier today, Commander.” James said. Shepard replied, “There’s nothing wrong with being on edge after such a close call for your lives after all these years. Down time doesn’t feel right yet, but believe me. We all deserve this.”
Once the dispersing was complete, Shepard and Kaidan were relieved and took each other in their arms. “I was worried for you every day of my life.” Kaidan began. “Going down with the ship, seeing you on Horizon holding the leashes of Cerberus, thinking you were finally gone after you destroyed the reapers...” Shepard kissed him and comfortingly relayed, “I was twice as worried I would fuck up in the end. You kept me going and here we are.” Once directed to a set of barracks where civilian transport awaited the honorably discharged of the Alliance, the doors revealed an innocuous fleet. However, Shepard had begun feeling uneasiness in the barracks. “Something isn’t right.”
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
This List is RANK: The Top 40 Madonna Songs of All Time
She's the Queen of Pop Star Feminism; the reason many female pop acts of today switch up their hair and show skin in-between songs and albums [all in the name of attention and/or artistic expression]. Yes, Madonna has done a lot over her career and in that time (MDNA, Erotica or any American Life track not named "Hollywood or "Die Another Day" being the really bad things.) and these songs are her best...
Here are the Top 40 Madonna Songs of all time as I see fit ***For some reference, I'll be using her compilation album Celebration, her albums Confessions on a Dance Floor, Music & Hard Candy (That sound you heard is a Ciccone-head in your area sharpening a pitchfork and directing it at me.)***
In reality, any song Madonna has put forth is eligible to be on the list in theory, but there is no guarantee the "best" of other people's lists will determine the order of my list. Translation: No overrated shit shall reign supreme nor will absolute shit be allowed entrance (So sorry MDNA tracks; you can't and won't be on the list.)
40. "Spanish Lesson" [from Hard Candy]- The Ciccone-head pet hate is actually one of Madge's lesser offenses. The only thing she has to take righteous hits for is for screwing up even basic Spanish. However, it's Pharrell's production that saves it and allows some enjoyable audio experiences to be had (Basically, it's the "Hollaback Girl" principle in effect.)
39. "Burning Up" [made it to Celebration]- The second song Madonna ever released didn't do much on the charts and on first listen it's sort of hard to understand why. It has all the coquettish idiosyncrasies for which she'd be known for. However, hindsight is 20/20 and this along with the next entry doesn't hold up well.
38. "Everybody" [made it to Celebration]- Madge's debut single (Before "Holiday" had to work 2 jobs to support it and its sister "Burning Up") showcased a lot of potential that ended up paying off...years later. Although a decent offering, "Everybody" lacks instant replay fever. Meaning, you'd have to be in a very specific mood to listen to the song.
37. "Lucky Star" [made it to Celebration]- Compared to Madonna's earliest offerings, this song is simply middle of the road. When on the radio and nothing else good comes on, listen to this pop confection and deal with it. In terms of legacy, it's almost required that more than "Holiday" and "Borderline" be put on a compilation from her self-titled debut.
36. "What it Feels Like For a Girl" [the Music studio album version]- One of Madge's less than subtle attempts at legitimate feminism through music. This song in particular works best in conjunction with the album. On its own, it can't hold a candle past the bottom 5 of this list. Add a mediocre remix that spawned a "controversial" [though not really] music video and this track ran out of interesting things to discuss.
35. "Frozen" [made it to Celebration]- Oh joy; a ballad from Madonna. Considering her balladry is pitiful on a good day, "Frozen" is essentially her best/least offensive attempt. Though it should be noted that brownie points for sonic subtlety are rewarded.
34. "Revolver" ft. Lil' Wayne [from Celebration]- In a battle between Celebration only tracks, "Revolver" technically comes in second [even if the original version of "Celebration" isn't represented here...] Its ranking is not entirely Lil' Wayne's fault; vocally and in terms of presentation, this is when Madonna started to rely on "big names" like a crutch. Still, as an album cut this isn't the worst piece of crap made by her (That distinct "honor" goes to "American Life".)
33. "American Pie" [from the international bonus track version of Music]- Her much maligned cover of the Don McLean "classic". In terms of Madonna catalog, it is a green thumb. However, Madonna's take on certain themes and musical oeuvres is her biggest strength and downfall. So when word of this spread, she was damned from the start. In terms of age, it only ages better than the previous entries.
32. "Material Girl" [made it to Celebration]- This track is often higher on other lists. It won't be here. Why? Her coquettish vocals have seen many a better track; especially when the vocals sound less like a Marilyn Monroe inspired artist and more like a low rent impersonator of Monroe (Though not Ivy Winters in Snatch Game of Marilyn bad.)
31. "Candy Shop" [from Hard Candy]- In terms of songs that would've sucked as a single, this one takes the "Turkish Delight" (Which before "serfboardt", took the prize for the most baffling shit on a female pop record.) As an album cut, it actually benefits from being so genre specific. If Hard Candy had any other song introduce the album, Ciccone-heads might've had a point in hating the album. Still, its super-specific vibes hurt it from advancing into the Top 30 of this list.
Here are the Top 40 Madonna Songs of all time as I see fit ***For some reference, I'll be using her compilation album Celebration, her albums Confessions on a Dance Floor, Music & Hard Candy (That sound you heard is a Ciccone-head in your area sharpening a pitchfork and directing it at me.)***
In reality, any song Madonna has put forth is eligible to be on the list in theory, but there is no guarantee the "best" of other people's lists will determine the order of my list. Translation: No overrated shit shall reign supreme nor will absolute shit be allowed entrance (So sorry MDNA tracks; you can't and won't be on the list.)
40. "Spanish Lesson" [from Hard Candy]- The Ciccone-head pet hate is actually one of Madge's lesser offenses. The only thing she has to take righteous hits for is for screwing up even basic Spanish. However, it's Pharrell's production that saves it and allows some enjoyable audio experiences to be had (Basically, it's the "Hollaback Girl" principle in effect.)
39. "Burning Up" [made it to Celebration]- The second song Madonna ever released didn't do much on the charts and on first listen it's sort of hard to understand why. It has all the coquettish idiosyncrasies for which she'd be known for. However, hindsight is 20/20 and this along with the next entry doesn't hold up well.
38. "Everybody" [made it to Celebration]- Madge's debut single (Before "Holiday" had to work 2 jobs to support it and its sister "Burning Up") showcased a lot of potential that ended up paying off...years later. Although a decent offering, "Everybody" lacks instant replay fever. Meaning, you'd have to be in a very specific mood to listen to the song.
37. "Lucky Star" [made it to Celebration]- Compared to Madonna's earliest offerings, this song is simply middle of the road. When on the radio and nothing else good comes on, listen to this pop confection and deal with it. In terms of legacy, it's almost required that more than "Holiday" and "Borderline" be put on a compilation from her self-titled debut.
36. "What it Feels Like For a Girl" [the Music studio album version]- One of Madge's less than subtle attempts at legitimate feminism through music. This song in particular works best in conjunction with the album. On its own, it can't hold a candle past the bottom 5 of this list. Add a mediocre remix that spawned a "controversial" [though not really] music video and this track ran out of interesting things to discuss.
35. "Frozen" [made it to Celebration]- Oh joy; a ballad from Madonna. Considering her balladry is pitiful on a good day, "Frozen" is essentially her best/least offensive attempt. Though it should be noted that brownie points for sonic subtlety are rewarded.
34. "Revolver" ft. Lil' Wayne [from Celebration]- In a battle between Celebration only tracks, "Revolver" technically comes in second [even if the original version of "Celebration" isn't represented here...] Its ranking is not entirely Lil' Wayne's fault; vocally and in terms of presentation, this is when Madonna started to rely on "big names" like a crutch. Still, as an album cut this isn't the worst piece of crap made by her (That distinct "honor" goes to "American Life".)
33. "American Pie" [from the international bonus track version of Music]- Her much maligned cover of the Don McLean "classic". In terms of Madonna catalog, it is a green thumb. However, Madonna's take on certain themes and musical oeuvres is her biggest strength and downfall. So when word of this spread, she was damned from the start. In terms of age, it only ages better than the previous entries.
32. "Material Girl" [made it to Celebration]- This track is often higher on other lists. It won't be here. Why? Her coquettish vocals have seen many a better track; especially when the vocals sound less like a Marilyn Monroe inspired artist and more like a low rent impersonator of Monroe (Though not Ivy Winters in Snatch Game of Marilyn bad.)
31. "Candy Shop" [from Hard Candy]- In terms of songs that would've sucked as a single, this one takes the "Turkish Delight" (Which before "serfboardt", took the prize for the most baffling shit on a female pop record.) As an album cut, it actually benefits from being so genre specific. If Hard Candy had any other song introduce the album, Ciccone-heads might've had a point in hating the album. Still, its super-specific vibes hurt it from advancing into the Top 30 of this list.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
SURPRISE!
The direction of my blog will be undergoing a massive change. How? Well, life outside of the keyboard sucks for reasons I choose not to disclose. My head hurts every time I attempt to think about where I'm headed in this life.
As for what can be said, it's this; I am no longer recapping The Voice in its entirety. It is way too draining & S7 really left a bad taste in my mouth. Perhaps I'll start recapping the Live Shows onward only, but that's if I decide to do anything with The Voice other than make indignant, bitchy tweets about it.
As for what will be on here, I'll expand upon music related things I can discuss [along the lines of This List is RANK].
Other than that, this is all I can confirm right now. Thank you if you care. : )
As for what can be said, it's this; I am no longer recapping The Voice in its entirety. It is way too draining & S7 really left a bad taste in my mouth. Perhaps I'll start recapping the Live Shows onward only, but that's if I decide to do anything with The Voice other than make indignant, bitchy tweets about it.
As for what will be on here, I'll expand upon music related things I can discuss [along the lines of This List is RANK].
Other than that, this is all I can confirm right now. Thank you if you care. : )
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Won The War: Gwen Stefani vs. Fergie
This is a series inspired by a tweet from perpetual lightning rod for controversy Azealia Banks when she inferred that although Michael Jackson won the battle, Prince won the war. This will be my take on which two rivals in packaging in the U.S. Music Industry, won the war in terms of longer success.
The much overdue Round 6 of this series pits No Doubt lead singer, coach of The Voice and pop star in some regard, Gwen Stefani against Black Eyed Peas vocalist and pop star in some regard, Fergie. Both had some high moments in their solo careers before they realized their shelf life belongs with their bands. Yet as always, this question remains...
In longevity terms, who merely won the battle...and who Won the War?
As of the end of 2014, Gwen Stefani has 2 (going on 3) albums to her name; the last proper released one being the 2006 released The Sweet Escape. Fergie just started her second album but has the 2006 released The Dutchess to her name. Here's their charting album peaks from highest to lowest...
Gwen Stefani
- The Sweet Escape peaked at #3
- Love. Angel. Music. Baby. peaked at #5
Fergie
- The Dutchess peaked at #2
Due to the fact that these two have made something of a name for themselves, radio has played their songs every now and again. In terms of longevity when was their last #1 hit on the Hot 100?
*Reminder: Hot 100 ranking does matter if you're absolutely looking for a gauge of where an artist is in terms of popularity*
Gwen's sole #1 hit was the 2005 earworm "Hollaback Girl". 9 years and 2 albums ago...yikes. Fergie's had 3 #1 hits, the last being the 2007 earworm "Big Girls Don't Cry".
The last Top 10 hit? If using the 6-10 traditional scale, Gwen's last Top 10 was the GOD AWFUL "Wind It Up" which peaked at #6. If using the 2-10 variant, Gwen's last Top 10 is "The Sweet Escape" ft. Akon which peaked at #2. Either way, 8 years and 1 album ago...ooof.
Fergie's last Top 10 on the traditional scale can't apply. Using the variant scale, her last Top 10 was "Clumsy" which peaked at #5. 7 years and one album ago...not all the better considering Gwen has 2 albums before 2014.
While acting is considered for this, Gwen has mainly played herself and hasn't had a leading lady role. Fergie on the other hand has tried her hand at acting...with her most famous line being "Linus, you're a sweet baboo." Yes, Fergie played Sally Brown in two Peanuts videos...O_O
Musically, there are naturally some weak points in an artists' career when say...a lead single doesn't go to #1 or released singles chart really low. These are the positions at the lowest of Gwen and Fergie's careers...
Gwen's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "What You Waiting For" at #47 on the Hot 100
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "4 in the Morning" at #54 on the Hot 100
Fergie's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "L.A. Love (La La)" at #27 on the Hot 100
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "L.A. Love (La La)" at #27 on the Hot 100
Their nadirs tell differing stories. Gwen's nadirs came in terms of initial reception and flat out commercial failure. "What You Waiting For" for all of her J-POP influence, left an all too divisive field in people's minds. "4 in the Morning" failed because despite the public forgiveness with allowing her to have a second album [which mind you charted higher than her debut], simply did nothing to service her to keep the momentum going.
Oddly enough her new song "Baby Don't Lie" was almost less of a success as lead single than "What You Waiting For" even though the latter kicks the former in the teeth in quality.
Fergie's nadir is well deserved for 2 reasons. One reason being is that an inability to keep momentum even after so many years can ruin all future efforts at a solo career. At first, she was the clear winner against Gwen with five Top 5 singles vs. Gwen's 3 Top 20 singles not counting the lead. Yet for whatever reason (will.i.am), she was unable to recapture the solo magic that helped her ass in the beginning. The other reason is that "L.A. Love (La La)" is horrendous and irredeemable.
Incidentally, "Baby Don't Lie" and "L.A. Love (La La)" were the comeback into solo forays of both singers. Both songs suck but for whatever reason Fergie's song ended up charting longer and higher than Gwen's. Yet a variable has salvaged Stefani's reputation in music. The thing that has her better liked than Fergie by miles on end. The bands they're with.
No Doubt despite recent mediocre at best success with "Settle Down" and the 2012 album Push and Shove peaking at #3, they retained better vibes on their last work than the Black Eyed Peas and their last album, the 2010 released The Beginning which missed the Top 5 of albums. That 3-4 year gap Fergie was subjected to should've resulted in better music being made (It's a valid point even if it's Fergie. Go with me on this.)
That same gap of 2-3 years can apply to Stefani as well even though she managed to retain her ska meets J-POP influences while Fergie went from "urban" to...whatever the hell "L.A. Love (La La)" called for in musical aesthete.
Now for the final points: iconic singles AKA, the one single people know is by that artist.
Gwen has "Hollaback Girl". Watch any goddamn countdown show of music [VH1, Fuse, etc.] and this song is guaranteed to appear relatively high.
Fergie? At best, "London Bridge" mainly because people were wondering this much: "What the fuck is she talking about in that song?" "Big Girls Don't Cry" might get just as much attention, but in terms of ubiquity, "London Bridge" got the job done a lot better.
For posterity both may have had at least a #1 hit but have come to realize that for better and worse, their bands define them. For Gwen, she's the lead singer. For Fergie, she's been forced to put up with will.i.am when he cared enough to sick anything onto the public.
One is no doubt [pardon the pun] a more charismatic celebrity figure than the other; the other managed to peak higher than the other commercially in round 1; one actually showed up to round 2 and won unopposed; the other had her pitiful comeback single defeat her opponent but at a cost...
The much overdue Round 6 of this series pits No Doubt lead singer, coach of The Voice and pop star in some regard, Gwen Stefani against Black Eyed Peas vocalist and pop star in some regard, Fergie. Both had some high moments in their solo careers before they realized their shelf life belongs with their bands. Yet as always, this question remains...
In longevity terms, who merely won the battle...and who Won the War?
As of the end of 2014, Gwen Stefani has 2 (going on 3) albums to her name; the last proper released one being the 2006 released The Sweet Escape. Fergie just started her second album but has the 2006 released The Dutchess to her name. Here's their charting album peaks from highest to lowest...
Gwen Stefani
- The Sweet Escape peaked at #3
- Love. Angel. Music. Baby. peaked at #5
Fergie
- The Dutchess peaked at #2
Due to the fact that these two have made something of a name for themselves, radio has played their songs every now and again. In terms of longevity when was their last #1 hit on the Hot 100?
*Reminder: Hot 100 ranking does matter if you're absolutely looking for a gauge of where an artist is in terms of popularity*
Gwen's sole #1 hit was the 2005 earworm "Hollaback Girl". 9 years and 2 albums ago...yikes. Fergie's had 3 #1 hits, the last being the 2007 earworm "Big Girls Don't Cry".
The last Top 10 hit? If using the 6-10 traditional scale, Gwen's last Top 10 was the GOD AWFUL "Wind It Up" which peaked at #6. If using the 2-10 variant, Gwen's last Top 10 is "The Sweet Escape" ft. Akon which peaked at #2. Either way, 8 years and 1 album ago...ooof.
Fergie's last Top 10 on the traditional scale can't apply. Using the variant scale, her last Top 10 was "Clumsy" which peaked at #5. 7 years and one album ago...not all the better considering Gwen has 2 albums before 2014.
While acting is considered for this, Gwen has mainly played herself and hasn't had a leading lady role. Fergie on the other hand has tried her hand at acting...with her most famous line being "Linus, you're a sweet baboo." Yes, Fergie played Sally Brown in two Peanuts videos...O_O
Musically, there are naturally some weak points in an artists' career when say...a lead single doesn't go to #1 or released singles chart really low. These are the positions at the lowest of Gwen and Fergie's careers...
Gwen's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "What You Waiting For" at #47 on the Hot 100
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "4 in the Morning" at #54 on the Hot 100
Fergie's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "L.A. Love (La La)" at #27 on the Hot 100
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "L.A. Love (La La)" at #27 on the Hot 100
Their nadirs tell differing stories. Gwen's nadirs came in terms of initial reception and flat out commercial failure. "What You Waiting For" for all of her J-POP influence, left an all too divisive field in people's minds. "4 in the Morning" failed because despite the public forgiveness with allowing her to have a second album [which mind you charted higher than her debut], simply did nothing to service her to keep the momentum going.
Oddly enough her new song "Baby Don't Lie" was almost less of a success as lead single than "What You Waiting For" even though the latter kicks the former in the teeth in quality.
Fergie's nadir is well deserved for 2 reasons. One reason being is that an inability to keep momentum even after so many years can ruin all future efforts at a solo career. At first, she was the clear winner against Gwen with five Top 5 singles vs. Gwen's 3 Top 20 singles not counting the lead. Yet for whatever reason (will.i.am), she was unable to recapture the solo magic that helped her ass in the beginning. The other reason is that "L.A. Love (La La)" is horrendous and irredeemable.
Incidentally, "Baby Don't Lie" and "L.A. Love (La La)" were the comeback into solo forays of both singers. Both songs suck but for whatever reason Fergie's song ended up charting longer and higher than Gwen's. Yet a variable has salvaged Stefani's reputation in music. The thing that has her better liked than Fergie by miles on end. The bands they're with.
No Doubt despite recent mediocre at best success with "Settle Down" and the 2012 album Push and Shove peaking at #3, they retained better vibes on their last work than the Black Eyed Peas and their last album, the 2010 released The Beginning which missed the Top 5 of albums. That 3-4 year gap Fergie was subjected to should've resulted in better music being made (It's a valid point even if it's Fergie. Go with me on this.)
That same gap of 2-3 years can apply to Stefani as well even though she managed to retain her ska meets J-POP influences while Fergie went from "urban" to...whatever the hell "L.A. Love (La La)" called for in musical aesthete.
Now for the final points: iconic singles AKA, the one single people know is by that artist.
Gwen has "Hollaback Girl". Watch any goddamn countdown show of music [VH1, Fuse, etc.] and this song is guaranteed to appear relatively high.
Fergie? At best, "London Bridge" mainly because people were wondering this much: "What the fuck is she talking about in that song?" "Big Girls Don't Cry" might get just as much attention, but in terms of ubiquity, "London Bridge" got the job done a lot better.
For posterity both may have had at least a #1 hit but have come to realize that for better and worse, their bands define them. For Gwen, she's the lead singer. For Fergie, she's been forced to put up with will.i.am when he cared enough to sick anything onto the public.
One is no doubt [pardon the pun] a more charismatic celebrity figure than the other; the other managed to peak higher than the other commercially in round 1; one actually showed up to round 2 and won unopposed; the other had her pitiful comeback single defeat her opponent but at a cost...
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
The Voice S7: THE 7TH TIME I'VE LOST
After suffering from every decision made since Anita didn't make the Top 10 and the fact that it's finally the Finale Results show, I'm back for one last ride of Season 7.
In an attempt of mutiny I even voted Craig Wayne Boyd AKA Studmuffin of Team Blake to win. It's both in the name of a hopefully attractive winner to come from the show and in some weird bourgeoisie attempt at counter-protest (Translation: pissing off friends of mine on Twitter). In the time not recapping, I've developed a damn good backup plan in the form of MONDAY NIGHT & TUESDAY NIGHT SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE. Don't read anything deeper than it being shit-talking on Twitter.
So crowning off 7 seasons of my favorites losing to talentless fucks, let's recap the only nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery 'n such worth my time...who wins in the long term and who ends up the winner of The Voice *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaade* (Seriously, Beats by Dre is the winner this season with their commercials featuring the contestants. Unlike every winner of the show, Beats by Dre has sold millions.)
Let's play rough and get it on!*
*Oh yeah, the show tried some wildcard shit that didn't do much but say voters of Damien AKA Waterworks suck.*
4th place: Damien from Team Adam. So much for that Wildcard stunt.
3rd place: Chris Jamison of Team Adam. LOL
Runner up: Matt McAndrew of Team Adam. LOLOLOLOLOL
The Voice: Craig Wayne Boyd of Team BLAKE. I am vindicated in some way.
Overall, this is my message to S7 of the NBC Program with Ratings...
In an attempt of mutiny I even voted Craig Wayne Boyd AKA Studmuffin of Team Blake to win. It's both in the name of a hopefully attractive winner to come from the show and in some weird bourgeoisie attempt at counter-protest (Translation: pissing off friends of mine on Twitter). In the time not recapping, I've developed a damn good backup plan in the form of MONDAY NIGHT & TUESDAY NIGHT SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE. Don't read anything deeper than it being shit-talking on Twitter.
So crowning off 7 seasons of my favorites losing to talentless fucks, let's recap the only nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery 'n such worth my time...who wins in the long term and who ends up the winner of The Voice *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaade* (Seriously, Beats by Dre is the winner this season with their commercials featuring the contestants. Unlike every winner of the show, Beats by Dre has sold millions.)
Let's play rough and get it on!*
*Oh yeah, the show tried some wildcard shit that didn't do much but say voters of Damien AKA Waterworks suck.*
4th place: Damien from Team Adam. So much for that Wildcard stunt.
3rd place: Chris Jamison of Team Adam. LOL
Runner up: Matt McAndrew of Team Adam. LOLOLOLOLOL
The Voice: Craig Wayne Boyd of Team BLAKE. I am vindicated in some way.
Overall, this is my message to S7 of the NBC Program with Ratings...
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