Wednesday, January 7, 2015

This List is RANK: The Top 40 Madonna Songs of All Time

She's the Queen of Pop Star Feminism; the reason many female pop acts of today switch up their hair and show skin in-between songs and albums [all in the name of attention and/or artistic expression]. Yes, Madonna has done a lot over her career and in that time (MDNA, Erotica or any American Life track not named "Hollywood or "Die Another Day" being the really bad things.) and these songs are her best...

Here are the Top 40 Madonna Songs of all time as I see fit ***For some reference, I'll be using her compilation album Celebration, her albums Confessions on a Dance Floor, Music & Hard Candy (That sound you heard is a Ciccone-head in your area sharpening a pitchfork and directing it at me.)***

In reality, any song Madonna has put forth is eligible to be on the list in theory, but there is no guarantee the "best" of other people's lists will determine the order of my list. Translation: No overrated shit shall reign supreme nor will absolute shit be allowed entrance (So sorry MDNA tracks; you can't and won't be on the list.)

40. "Spanish Lesson" [from Hard Candy]- The Ciccone-head pet hate is actually one of Madge's lesser offenses. The only thing she has to take righteous hits for is for screwing up even basic Spanish. However, it's Pharrell's production that saves it and allows some enjoyable audio experiences to be had (Basically, it's the "Hollaback Girl" principle in effect.)

39. "Burning Up" [made it to Celebration]- The second song Madonna ever released didn't do much on the charts and on first listen it's sort of hard to understand why. It has all the coquettish idiosyncrasies for which she'd be known for. However, hindsight is 20/20 and this along with the next entry doesn't hold up well.

38. "Everybody" [made it to Celebration]- Madge's debut single (Before "Holiday" had to work 2 jobs to support it and its sister "Burning Up") showcased a lot of potential that ended up paying off...years later. Although a decent offering, "Everybody" lacks instant replay fever. Meaning, you'd have to be in a very specific mood to listen to the song.

37. "Lucky Star" [made it to Celebration]- Compared to Madonna's earliest offerings, this song is simply middle of the road. When on the radio and nothing else good comes on, listen to this pop confection and deal with it. In terms of legacy, it's almost required that more than "Holiday" and "Borderline" be put on a compilation from her self-titled debut.

36. "What it Feels Like For a Girl" [the Music studio album version]- One of Madge's less than subtle attempts at legitimate feminism through music. This song in particular works best in conjunction with the album. On its own, it can't hold a candle past the bottom 5 of this list. Add a mediocre remix that spawned a "controversial" [though not really] music video and this track ran out of interesting things to discuss.

35. "Frozen" [made it to Celebration]- Oh joy; a ballad from Madonna. Considering her balladry is pitiful on a good day, "Frozen" is essentially her best/least offensive attempt. Though it should be noted that brownie points for sonic subtlety are rewarded.

34. "Revolver" ft. Lil' Wayne [from Celebration]- In a battle between Celebration only tracks, "Revolver" technically comes in second [even if the original version of "Celebration" isn't represented here...] Its ranking is not entirely Lil' Wayne's fault; vocally and in terms of presentation, this is when Madonna started to rely on "big names" like a crutch. Still, as an album cut this isn't the worst piece of crap made by her (That distinct "honor" goes to "American Life".)

33. "American Pie" [from the international bonus track version of Music]- Her much maligned cover of the Don McLean "classic". In terms of Madonna catalog, it is a green thumb. However, Madonna's take on certain themes and musical oeuvres is her biggest strength and downfall. So when word of this spread, she was damned from the start. In terms of age, it only ages better than the previous entries.

32. "Material Girl" [made it to Celebration]- This track is often higher on other lists. It won't be here. Why? Her coquettish vocals have seen many a better track; especially when the vocals sound less like a Marilyn Monroe inspired artist and more like a low rent impersonator of Monroe (Though not Ivy Winters in Snatch Game of Marilyn bad.)

31. "Candy Shop" [from Hard Candy]- In terms of songs that would've sucked as a single, this one takes the "Turkish Delight" (Which before "serfboardt", took the prize for the most baffling shit on a female pop record.) As an album cut, it actually benefits from being so genre specific. If Hard Candy had any other song introduce the album, Ciccone-heads might've had a point in hating the album. Still, its super-specific vibes hurt it from advancing into the Top 30 of this list.

Sunday, January 4, 2015


The direction of my blog will be undergoing a massive change. How? Well, life outside of the keyboard sucks for reasons I choose not to disclose. My head hurts every time I attempt to think about where I'm headed in this life.

As for what can be said, it's this; I am no longer recapping The Voice in its entirety. It is way too draining & S7 really left a bad taste in my mouth. Perhaps I'll start recapping the Live Shows onward only, but that's if I decide to do anything with The Voice other than make indignant, bitchy tweets about it.

As for what will be on here, I'll expand upon music related things I can discuss [along the lines of This List is RANK].

Other than that, this is all I can confirm right now. Thank you if you care. : )