Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Finale Pt. 2

Emotions were felt; songs were sung and shit got real! Tonight marked the crowning of a 4th champion of The Voice U.S. franchise. Here's what happened in my nutcase imperfect vision.

Let's play rough and get it on!

The show started off with Pitbull & S5 coach, Christina Aguilera and their song "Feel This Moment". Girl, the vocals make up for "Let There Be Love" from S3 (Slag off if you hate that critique), but goddamn. I clocked the shoes and the chain mail looking top. "Gurl, NO; NO; Gurl NO!" Despite the hatred for X-Tina, she's returning for S5 along with the adorably unhinged Cee-Lo Green.

Coach's Corner had "Shaki" be adorable, Adam sort of redact his premature prediction of Kewpie Doll winning, Usher rooting for Michelle and Blake pretending like he hasn't been salivating for a three-peat. P.S.- It happened to be Blake's birthday (And no better gift could be given if Kewpie Doll and the Corny Duo were to get ousted > : ) )

Holly Tucker, Justin Rivers and Amber Carrington join the Corny Duo for their "bring back" performance of "Stars Tonight" by Lady Antebellum. Justin gets more screentime! YAY! *shaaaaaaaaaaaade* It was dripping with Mason-Dixon realness so if you like that sort of thing, fabulous.

Then, the complicated romance...err "bromance" between Adam and Blake was highlighted. Frankly, the sexual tension between them is a bit alarming. : P *DIS...IS A CLAIMER; Despite the inferred homoerotic bond between Adam and Blake, Adam is straight [and a bit of a pussyhound] and Blake is married to Miranda Lambert*

Michelle was subjected to sing with OneRepublic on their song "Counting Stars". Note, I've hated OneRepublic ever since "Apologize" (Which they haven't done yet). Michelle makes diamonds out of coals and that was pretty much illustrated with her bitchslapping that performance.

Usher's coaching methods were highlighted as they had been labeled unorthodox. Blake was then shown being a shady bitch against him and lampooning the techniques for his team. Bitch is shady; and also a terrible actor when his fake tears were unleashed. The Razzies were very pleased. *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade*

Florida-Georgia Line and Nelly performed their song "Cruise". I can actually put up with the song live, but I am not cranking that shit on any radio. Although, I'm proud of myself for not clocking the name Florida-Georgia Line for any reason when I was tweeting. P.S. It is always nice to see Nelly do his thing.

Garrett Gardner, VEDO, Kris Thomas and Josiah Hawley took the stage singing "Ain't Too Proud to Beg". Kris was in his element and VEDO had his moments. Garrett seemed out of his element but he managed his own; Josiah sounded better than he had, but he still sucked compared to the others. Oh well, it was nice to see such a classic soul song be sung.

Kewpie Doll "brought back" Amber, Caroline Glaser and Sarah Simmons for her performance "All American Girl" by Carrie Underwood. The "Sing 10 Carrie Underwood Songs & Get a Free Meal" card got punched for the...let's see; carry the one...for the 15th time. New rule; no more Carrie Underwood songs for at least 5-7 episodes of S5. P.S. Caroline was awesome and Amber was good too.

Bruno Mars performed his new song "Treasure". Disco balls, red suits and his horrible hair were on display. O_O Luckily, he isn't a hair model and sounded exceptional tonight. *golf claps*

Then the Corny Duo took the stage to perform with Bob Seger (As Lisa Lampanelli puts it, "I'll pause so all of you at home can Wikipedia him.") They performed "Night Moves" and apparently, Seger is a Rock & Roll Hall of Famer. This is the type of performance music snobs would love. I don't know the song nor Seger so I really have no frame of reference to grade the performance. Oh well; Seger's hair is fabulous so there's that.

Shakira's english was then brought up. As opposed to some corny reference to her accent, her advanced vernacular was put to use for a Voice edition of a spelling bee. "Diaphonous", "Didactic", "Juxtaposition" and "Conundrum" [apart from words Shakira actually used] were misspelled and Blake being the giant cornball he is tried to make his stupidity funny. He doesn't need to give effort to do that.

Sasha Allen, Cáthia, Karina Iglesias and HRFH returned to sing "My Lovin' (Never Gonna Get It)" by En Vogue. Sasha and Karina knew how to belt that song. Cathia was decent; nothing terrible but she did sound a touch improved. HRFH...she exists. Fuck Wall Street, the Occupy movement that must be stopped is of that bitch's place on Earth. BOOM.

Kewpie Doll then took the stage with Hunter Hayes. Hunter Hayes apparently is a noun in the U.S. Music Industry. They perform his song "I Want Crazy" and apparently Hunter likes to smile. I heard nothing as I had the TV on mute. Not sorry; I just can't stomach this type of duet.

Michelle took the stage and brought back her Team Usher cohorts by singing "We Can Work it Out" as Stevie Wonder did it. This took me back to the "Black & Gold" performance they did weeks ago. Their synchronization was on point again. I admit it; anything that hides Josiah's faults as a vocalist is a performance worth listening to. *shaaaaaaaaaaaaade*

Cher then took the stage w/ her song "Woman's World". Holy hell...was that wig awful. Sorry, but if I think to myself, "Did Joan Jett and Pat Benetar get scalped shortly before she took the stage?" your hair is ridiculous. This tweet I posted says it all...

"Cher, that was a lovely performance but Pepsi needs to film a commercial with you to get rid of that hair. #AllTAllShade"

Then, the moment we've been waiting for [outside of Cher performing; calm yo tits]...the time where a winner is declared for S4. Final thoughts were emitted from the contestants [and as long as you remember the song "Sweet Nothing" from Calvin Harris and Florence Welch, that's everything].

3rd place went to...the Corny Duo. Bye, y'all.

The winner...Kewpie Doll; T_T Great, another Voice winner I didn't vote for.

Runner up...Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel. T_T She deserved it and now has to do what's easy; outshine a winner of the show sales wise.

Well, that wraps up S4. All in all, I still like the show. Someday I'll either be a winner people vote for or a winner will show up that I vote for. Either way, that wraps up S4. Thanks for playing rough with me.

W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. Post 7: Katy Perry

This is a series dedicated to women who despite success in the U.S. Music Industry, have est. a very complicated image for themselves.

Round 7 of this series is geared toward Gospel turned Pop sensation whose image and career is more twisted than a French Cruller, Katy Perry.

Katy started off raised in a strict religious upbringing in Santa Barbara, California (As in the "Put a dollar in the box-ah! It is for the Lord-ah!" type of strict upbringing). After a few years, she would actually debut musically with an eponymous Christian Rock album, Katy Hudson. Apart from the Christian Rock thing, the main problem with this was the fact that even though she was using her actual last name, it sounded too much like sort of maligned but not special enough to be castigated actress, Kate Hudson (Cracked.com hates this woman with a burning passion. *You Just Got Learned*).

After being read the house down commercially, 2008 would mark the first step towards her major label debut and her place as one of many W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. Her first song released was the shit-storm inducing "Ur So Gay". The song is intended to be a slant against a vain pretty boy who barely notices the female character Perry assumes. However, the title of the song and the song itself was read for filth as homophobic. Admittedly, when I subjected myself to listening to the song, I sort of got what Katy was going for. However, I grew tired of it and the shock value of having her end with [and this is not a joke]...

"You don't even like...penis!"

...was just utterly bullshit laden. Add to the budding W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. repetoire, the earworm contribution she made with the "Lez"tastic "I Kissed a Girl". Apart from its tacky existence, the consensus reached this; it wasn't right that she was exploiting the "2 girls? Sweet! 2 dudes? Icky." trope just to sell albums.
However, 2 more recognizable songs, "Hot n Cold" and "Waking Up in Vegas" showed her ability to not use the trope ["Hot n Cold" showing that she has some singing ability. Limited, but existing singing ability.] All of these combined pushed her major label debut, One of the Boys, towards commercial success.

Cut to her candy-coated megalith effort, Teenage Dream, and Perry would experience a feat that made jaded music lovers sob. Teenage Dream tied Michael Jackson's Bad for unleashing five #1 singles from the same album [this made her the first female artist to achieve this feat]. The lead single from the album was the crudely spelled, "California Gurls" ft. Snoop Dogg (Before he smoked enough weed to change his name to "Snoop Lion"). The video and song was intended to have listeners be whisked away to a magical candy filled land as they watched Perry be adorably slutty with cupcake bras...and whipped cream being rocketed from her boobs. The song eventually became a "Summer Jam" [meaning the song would be overplayed for one summertime's length.] Then she released some shitty song that would make Darren Criss a thing on "Glee" and fuck over so many people on The Voice; "Teenage Dream" (Thanks for your contribution, Katy. We mean it -_-)
Then, she cashed in on the "self confidence anthem" trend Lady Gaga started. Her "self confidence anthem", "Firework" was a success. It not only had some of the most inspirational sentiments, but this became Katy's best singing effort the public had heard of her yet. Granted, the video for the song became legendary for fireworks being shot from her boobs; a "big girl" stripping to her skivvies and cannonballing into a pool; two dudes making out in the video [as the shyer one had finally come to terms with himself being gay]; a terminally ill kid walking from the hospital to the public; a little kid coming between an ugly fight their parents had; and a magician going all "Jedi mind trick" on potential muggers preventing his ass from being robbed.

However, the budding W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. rep came with the next song released. "E.T." ft. Kanye West would be her most artistic attempt (Though singing wise, it's a bit of a bust), but was read the house down for its video. Reason being, by then Lady Gaga's batshit tendencies imagery and musically related, made anything artistic seeming released by other artists look like half assed imitations. "E.T." centers around an alien like creature played by Perry storming towards some post-apocalyptic wasteland version of Earth. The extravagant outfits and piles of cosmetics on her kind of makes it a bit too "Gaga" for her [though as TheBacklot.com video web log contributor and creator of "Needs More Gay", Rantasmo, suggests the "Weird Pop" of today kind of stems from Grace Jones. Pretty much, same thing; different nouns.]
Cut to her next single and something that solidified Katy's complicated status. "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" was a song and video package that looked like a gigantic 80s movie (That for some reason had infamous YouTube celebrity Rebecca Black featured as "She who sluts up the image of 'Kathy Beth Terry' for the house party"). Before they changed their name to TheBacklot.com, AfterElton featured the video for the song and shit got intense in the comments. What I saw were reminders of Katy's cardinal sin; her initial homophobic tendencies from "Ur So Gay" and why some members would absolutely refuse her the time of day after that song.
Cut past her doofy song, "The One That Got Away", a re-release of the album with 2 more songs "Part of Me" and other cursed song of The Voice, "Wide Awake" and the Teenage Dream era came to a close.

Apart from a movie about her "California Dreams Tour", Katy Perry; Part of Me, voiceover work in the latest "Smurfs" related movies, a perfume called "Purr" *Fun fact: she named her cat [and I'm not joking], Kitty Purry* and making Gym Class Heroes lead singer, Travie McCoy and British comedian and FX host of Brand X, Russell Brand's "Teenage Dream" come true (She isn't shallow; so I give her credit), all that comprises Katy Perry's place as one of many W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. is this...

- An incident of homophobia in the form of "Ur So Gay" which she can't take back [even though she has come full circle being on board with marriage equality despite her strict religious upbringing].

- Limited singing ability trumped by incidents of hyper-sexualized music video work; which every other current mainstream chanteuse is guilty of in the U.S. Music Industry.

Although credit must be given to her for having a sense of humor about one particular bit of needless controversy; around 2010 she was slated for an online special for Sesame Street. The bit drew controversy when Katy's outfit was called into question for a kid's show. Mainly for the fact that her boobs looked like they were spilling out of her admittedly tacky lime green outfit. She would spoof herself as a character for an SNL sketch known as "The Bronx Beat" [Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph's bit] where she appeared in a deconstructed Elmo shirt meant to emphasize her boobs [which looked bigger in that shirt than they did in the Sesame Street bit].

Despite that, there's a lot Katy has done to hinder her sort of talent and mega-star presence. That alone justifies her place as one of many W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I.

Next up; any Umbrella could collapse from the shit this next artist has received.

Monday, June 17, 2013

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Finale Pt. 1

Mere months ago, season 4 of The Voice U.S. would be next to continue the reputation that something other than marijuana can be received with accolades as a fine Dutch import. Tonight marked part 1 of the S4 finale; Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel and the rest of the Mason-Dixon monstrosity known as Team Blake took the stage for votes one last time. That along with fodder made the following events happen...

Let's play rough and get it on!

The contestants' journey to the final 3 is shown from Blind Auditions onward (Although the deal between Kewpie Doll, the Corny Duo and the de...I'm being told that despite my hatred for them, they apparently got there fair & square.) The coaches begin the show with a performance of some song I really wouldn't look up on Google at the moment (Shit gets real, real quick.)
"Coach's Corner" happened; Adam and Shakira both turned into Calvin Harris & Florence Welch and gave the remaining contestants and the rest of the process of the show each of their sweet nothings. *Note; the formula goes Solo, Reprise, Duet for all 3 even if they debut in different order*

First was the Corny Duo. They sang "I Can't Tell You Why" by The Eagles. It wasn't until I heard the word "eagles" that I tweeted this...

"These eagles won't soar another goddamn minute. Mute buttons at the ready. #AllTAllShade"

Shakira held a flag that read "Go Okies!" as some type of...oh how the fuck am I supposed to know. Shakira, what the fuck was that?! (It's not like she reads this blog, but if she did...gurl NO; NO gurl NO)
It has to be me, but I wish some of the coaches turned into bitches during some of the performances. They apparently thought they were good, but I only heard a little bit before my mute button highlighted them both.

Second, Michelle was tasked with reprising "I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift. I thought it was interesting because as I remember it, she sang 2 or 3 P!nk songs. The underdog thing she works with must've been able to transcend beyond the P!nk songs if Usher thought her rendition of "I Knew You Were Trouble" was the song to reprise. As for the comments, I wasn't able to hear past the crowd. Yeesh, Carson must shiver at nights every time he shows up for an episode.

Third, Kewpie Doll had her duet with Blake. They sang "Timber, I'm Falling in Love" by Patty Loveless, and good GOD was that set design tacky. It looked like a bad imitation of Branson, Missouri and Pee Wee's Playhouse set in the South [aaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!]. Apart from the mute button being on, I have nothing else positive to say about this performance *shaaaaaaaaaaaaade*

Fourth, the Corny Duo was tasked of reprising "Danny's Song" by Kenny Loggins. They didn't soil themselves, so they succeeded with their performance on that level. It reminded me of how bland I found them to be throughout their surprising tenure of the show. Blahda blahda blah blah; the coaches got all "Calvin and Florence" again giving sweet nothings to them. I'll say it for y'all; they sucked. They're bland and they should not win. [How hard is it to say how you really feel; I do this on Blogger and see no problem with this. Yeesh.]

Fifth, Michelle decided to sing "Why" by Annie Lennox. This selection made me afraid, because it reeked high risk, high reward. [Reason? Annie is a legendary artist; lead singer of The Eurythmics and solo legend] However, any slight doubts I had were erased when she was incing for the money notes. Her "Kabuki Committed" singing face was at SpinalTap levels and it was amazing! (Oh Carson, dollface. NEVER refer to Usher as "Ursher" ever again.)

Sixth, the Corny Duo had their turn at a duet with Blake. They sang "Celebrity" by Brad Paisley and had extras in the back; was it a cheeky jesting of the song they were singing? Ew, I acted like I cared about their motivation for singing a song. Ew, ew, ew! Anywho, I forgot that the duets aren't really judged in the same way their reprises and solos are and was waiting for them to be read down the house for something. But alas, the show had to go on.

Seventh, Kewpie Doll was tasked of reprising her rendition of "Maybe It Was Memphis" by Pam Tillis. This apparently qualified as a highlight for her and by the time she returned to the stage I could not be bothered. Whatever; so Blake likes her; I quote Shania Twain, "That Don't Impress Me Much".

Then, the finalists banded together for a group performance. Footage of their journey is looped and is admittedly kind of cute. Kind of cute. Oh but then, they're joined on stage by the rest of the top 16. Oh God, the "feels" from that wonderfully staged fodder moment. Plus side? Sasha! Karina! Caroline! Holly! Amber!

Eighth, Michelle was slated for her duet with Usher (That's "Uh*Shur" not "Urh*sher" as I fear it needs explaining again). They sang "One" by U2 [whether it was the version ft. Mary J. Blige, I don't know]. Their performance was phenomenal as anything else Michelle has done thus far.

Finally, Kewpie Doll existed again when tasked with singing "Born To Fly" by Sara Evans. She was given the "You haven't done anything uptempo yet" schpiel from Blake (She actually hadn't done anything good yet, but "nice try" -_-).

Let me conclude by reminding how proud I am at the fact that neither she or the Corny Duo have gotten my votes. I kept it this way as I found them to be trash. Is it because they're country? No. Holly is country and she doesn't sound like cat-shit. Amber never sounded horrid either as they both can be pop/country. Point blank I hate the Corny Duo and Kewpie Doll and the voting public responsible for their extended tenure.

All in all, despite the fear Michelle could be screwed out of the title, The Voice put out good again. Next up for scrutiny, the finale show (Where we find out the winner at the last 2 minutes or so).

Saturday, June 15, 2013

W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. Post 6: Lady Gaga

This is a series dedicated to women who despite success in the U.S. Music Industry, have est. a very complicated image for themselves.

Round 6 of this series goes to current avante-garde pop superstar, fashion icon and/or bulls-eye, LGBT Rights phenom and batshit insane "mother monster", Lady Gaga.

Gaga started off as Stefani Germanotta; a bullied kid with a penchant for music living in NYC. Recent footage courtesy of random YouTube videos revealed that Stefani would accept just about anything to be in the spotlight; from an appearance in an episode of the hitman HBO sitcom The Sopranos to being one of the losing contestants on the MTV prank show Boiling Points.
Musically, her burgeoning career would start with a band she assumed the role of lead singer. After playing at famed NYC venues such as The Bitter End and The Mercury Lounge for long enough, she eventually caught the eye of a music producer that helped the band release 2 EP's. Cut to after the band breaks up and Stefani would meet one of her first major collaborative partners, Rob Fusari [who supposedly named her "Lady Gaga" after an autocorrect fuck-up]. Their efforts eventually landed her a deal with Def Jam records when future X Factor U.S. judge for 2 seasons, L.A. Reid was head of the label. Her deal with the label went South after only 3 months, but that wasn't the end of her.
After a Lollapalooza stint with Lady Starlight, it would be Akon (Yes, the "Konvict; music" Akon) that would be the reason Lady Gaga existed as she would be signed to a boutique label under Interscope (Like a play within a play scheme a la Hamlet; or if you hated high school English "a taco within a taco inside a crunchy beef burrito inside a Taco Bell inside a Taco Bell/KFC that's inside your dreams!")

Cut to her breakout debut effort, The Fame. "Just Dance" would jump start a kickass career (And sadly be the last relevant thing Colby O'Donis had been apart of; VH1 die-hards insist I include "Brooke Knows Best" but they can fuck off.) but I admit...I wouldn't be fully convinced of Gaga's singing potential until the last song released from the album. "Poker Face" would become one of the most infectious singles of 2009 and of the 00s. "LoveGame" would introduce the public to her "disco stick" [which despite the blatant innuendo, actually refers to a dancing cane as an apparatus for choreography.] However, the song that convinced me of her talent was "Paparazzi". Her outfit and singing ability had me mesmerized as to how a woman that crazy could have actually made waves in the U.S. Music Industry w/o jokes of Iceland being made. (Hello, Bjork! My teacups have wings too!)
Peaking at #2 aside, Gaga's fashion in a way helped album sales...and started the shit talking against her [and what makes her one of many W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. to this day.] By the time "Paparazzi" rolled around, the est. consensus outside of her singing was only this; "bitch be crazy!" A poncho/dress thing made of Kermit the Frog puppets; a "bubble dress" and really anything you can look up on Google Images on your own time.

Cut to around late 2009; the time her EP, The Fame Monster would be released. The EP's lead single, "Bad Romance", would be made into one of the most viral YouTube music videos in the history of the website (Moments before some other dumb song by He Who Inspired Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber and years before people would be subjected to "Gangnam Style" & anybody else's version of the "Harlem Shake".) *Fun fact: apparently, gay porn actor turned struggling "legit" actor Brent Corrigan made an appearance in the video as one of Gaga's bidders*

Then, in 2010 she released one of the more commercially successful collaborations in recent memory; the fabulously tacky and campy "Telephone" ft. Beyoncé. This would mark their second collaboration as Gaga had been featured for Beyoncé's "sext-iest" song ever, "Video Phone" [which if listened to more than once on purpose in a group setting will lead to being a registered sex offender; and I base that on absolutely nothing : P]  The video for "Telephone" would be Gaga's wackiest...that day. She and Bey play 2 women out to kill a man that had been a misogynistic dick-bag to Bey *Fun Fact: some band I never heard of [Semi-Precious Weapons] were featured as deceased diners poisoned by Gaga and Bey after they had killed the dick-bag.* They drive the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill and Jai Rodriguez [of Queer Eye for The Straight Guy fame] plays a newscaster and the two re-enact [sort of] some scene from Thelma & Louise.

Her 3rd single from the EP, "Alejandro", solidified her crazy but would begin the ugly accusations of her being a Madonna knock-off. Apparently, only "Madge" can adorably cause the Catholic Church to have their panties in a goddamn sheepknot. The comparisons between the two had been longstanding ever since Gaga had existed as she was. Jaded gay men from the 80s in a way refuse to give Gaga full credit just because Madonna has been in the industry longer.

I'm now compelled to remind everybody this; just because you're the first to do something doesn't mean you'll be the best at what you do. Yes, Madonna was first at reinventing herself every time an album would be released, but for the love of God she is not the best. "Madge" had the cone bra; Gaga had a bra that shot out sparks of fire! "Alejandro" drew out needless criticism because critics likened the adorable blasphemy of Gaga ingesting a rosary to Madonna kissing the feet of a black man playing Jesus. Though the "comparisons" would only grow uglier when her next major album would be released.

After making award show history with her "meat dress" and having Chad Michaels...err Cher hold her accompanying "meat purse", Gaga's next effort Born This Way, drew a shitload of criticism. The album cover art was read the house down into the cement; most of the music videos for the singles would be read to filth, but none worse than the lead single and title track.
"Born This Way" in a sense started the "self confidence anthems" that others in the industry [such as Ke$ha, Katy Perry and P!nk to name a few] would soon use. "BTW" would be a pop version of an "It's OK to be gay" theme song. Though the song would be read to filth for 2 reasons:

1. Some people took a sort of understandable offense to the terms "Orient" and "Chola" being thrown in the song. In a way, I understand that nothing that colloquial and prejudiced sounding should be overshadowing the "It's OK to be gay" aspect of the song.

2. Jaded and tone deaf fuckwads alike claimed the song "ripped off" Madonna's "Express Yourself". Even Madonna decided to be a bitch about it in an interview and call the sample "reductive". Keep in mind this is the same Madonna that did a song with Nicki Minaj and performed alongside LMFAO in the Superbowl. The bitch has no license commenting on anything reductive with that shit and American Life in her repertoire.

As if the song itself drew needless criticism on that end, people actually had the nerve saying that the exaggerated gap in her teeth for the video was a shameless rip-off of Madonna's exaggerated gap in her teeth. Gaga set the record straight saying that she had a gap in her teeth that had people making fun of her/when she was younger. However, the shit kept hitting the fan.

When her next song "Judas" was released, it drew more of the religious iconography blaspheming that "Alejandro" had. Then "The Edge of Glory" was released and admittedly the song itself wasn't read for filth. The video for it on the other hand was. Compared to her other videos then, "The Edge of Glory" looked lackadaisical and really half assed. It got to where even longtime choreographer for Gaga [and she who had seen Diddy at his goddamn worse], Laurieann "Boom Kack" Gibson even expressed discontent for the final product making reference to a Google Chrome commercial featuring the song [and kickass footage of Gaga's most devoted "Little Monsters"] as a better music video choice for the song.
Then "You and I" would be released and read for only having a "mermaid sex scene" but be received as one of Gaga's best songs to date.

As of now, her latest effort ARTPOP is slated for a release sometime this year. So how has "Mother Monster" kept busy?

For starters, she's made Fashion Police easy for the show's panelists; she's modeled for high end brands, released her perfume Fame *Fun Fact: Fame was the first perfume that was black in its liquidized form* and has a role in the new Robert Rodriguez film Machete Kills.
However, her LGBT rights activism and advocating is her most famous non-musical venture. She even has her own non-profit organization, the Born This Way Foundation, dedicated to bettering the lives of bullied youth and teens LGBT or not. Remember the "meat dress"? Turns out that was a way of advocating for LGBT rights [meaning if we don't stand up, we'll be no more free than the meat on our bones.]
She even chipped in her 2 cents over general immigration rights [which actually inspired the BTW song "Americano"] by criticizing the U.S. immigration laws in a tour stop in Mexico.

So how does a woman with her head on her shoulders, kickass vocals and someone with Gaga's awesome image stand in the line of W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I.? To be quite honest, it's the jaded fuckwads who refuse to give her credit because of Madonna's existence. Two words right now: FUCK Madonna. The bitch can't sing unlike Gaga who could sing amoebas around the bitch until her next world tour announcement. Yes, "Madge" made reinventing images a staple for pop artists today, but that doesn't mean she should be held to an ivory tower to sneer at Gaga.

Apart from the constant fuckery thrown by Madonna fans, Gaga's antics are a bit baffling. The most baffling? "The egg" entrance at the Grammys. Technically, Gaga was "incubating" inside [and it made sense as the upcoming album at the time was Born This Way]. Runner up for most baffling moment? Her male alter-ego "Jo Calderone"; the male Gaga in the "You and I" video filling in for her at the 2011 VMAs. Word is she even wore a strapon dildo so she could really be committed to the character.
Also, add stupid rumors of being a hermaphrodite and being in the same illuminati bullshit as Beyoncé and damn near every other pop star right now and that's what makes Lady Gaga one of many W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I.

Next up; the woman who ended up being Russell Brand's Teenage Dream come true (And no I'm not talking Florence Welch).

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Robbed and Screwed; The Voice S4

Yahoo! "Reality Rocks" blog author, Lyndsey Parker, compiled her S4 list of contestants she felt were screwed out of a proper run on the show this year. These are the picks I agree with...(Also in the report was the unfortunate news that sources say Judith Hill signed a record deal. T_T Slag off; I've made it clear that I thought she was awful as a singer.)

"Jane Smith – Jane is the only singer on this list who wasn't even picked for a team, and I am still wondering why. Whyyyyyyy didn't any of the coaches spin for this awesome girl? Obviously they could not see how adorable she was, with her perfect Marlo Thomas hair-flip, sweet Keane-painting eyes, and Zooey 101 style…but surely they must have heard the potential in her throaty performance of Florence + The Machine's "You Got the Love." Le sigh. If only Cee Lo Green hadn't sat out Season 4. I have a feeling Cee Lo would have totally hit his button for Jane."

Way to phrase it, Lyndsey. Although Jane read more an Adam pick to me just because she was somewhat of a Melanie Martinez (S3) flashback. Still surprised he didn't turn for her or Jacqui Sandell, Jess Kellner or Caroline Glaser (though he did the right thing and stole her). Keep in mind she's young, so there's a very good chance Jane will be in a future Voice season.

"Jessica Childress – Usher pitted two of his best R&B singers, Jessica and Vedo, against each other in the Battle Rounds, which wasn't exactly the shrewdest move. Why would he want to give up either of those contestants? Overall, though, I thought the adorable and intrinsically likable Jessica had the superior voice. Blake Shelton said there "wasn't a right or wrong decision" here, but yes, there were actually two bad decisions: Usher's decision to put both of these singers in the same ring in the first place, and the joint decision on the part of Adam Levine and Blake, who still had Steals up for grabs at this point, to let Jessica go. Someone really should have saved her. I bet if Shakira hadn't blown all her Steals already, she would've poached Jessica right away."

Agreed that she wiped the floor with him. However, VEDO's sob story and what I perceived as a "Siphon MJ Fandom Vote" conspiracy [AKA Judith's tenure] had Adam thinking he never needed another "R&B/Soul" vocalist. Not to mention, he kind of tricked Shakira into using her steals early by ousting Karina Iglesias and Sasha Allen in their battles. His trying to be to tactical is what ended up screwing him this season.

"Jess Kellner – Jess went home on an awful, awful Knockout Rounds night when quite a few of my 'robbed' favorites were cut. (Read on for more heartbreak.) Usher picking bland pretty-boy Josiah Hawley over this sultry, silky-voiced chanteuse in the Knockout Rounds was just one decision that evening that totally knocked the wind out of my sails. Letting Jess go this soon was one of Usher's biggest fails this season."

I concur with you thoroughly on this one. Jess dropkicked Josiah down a flight of stairs, but apparently Usher went to pick him up. : (

"Warren Stone – One of Adam's stupidest moves of the season was pitting two of his strongest contestants, Warren Stone and Sarah Simmons, against each other in the Knockout Rounds. This was an even dumber Knockouts pairing than Shawna versus Sasha. Warren, a handsome, country-singing fireman and single dad who pulled a David Cook and convincingly remade Cutting Crew's "(I Just) Died in Your Arms" as a hard rock song, could have gone all the way to the finale. But instead, he had to sing against one of the best contestants on the entire show, Sarah, who did an amazing job with her ethereal cover of "Wild Horses." Sarah was the obvious victor, but Warren leaving the competition this early was ridiculous. Adam messed this one up, big-time."

While I agree that Warren was robbed considering who he was paired up against, 2 things:

1. It should've been more aggravating because Warren was the one country singer Adam was edited to have stolen from Blake. Everything considered, he actually achieved "theft" by banking on Amber when Blake finished his team with Jacqui.

2. Sarah was terrible. Sorry, Lyndsey and fans of Sarah; she was terrible and completely overstayed her welcome on the show.

"Midas Whale – This folk-rock duo was one of the most original and entertaining acts to ever compete on "The Voice," and they potentially had a built-in fanbase due to Midas member Jon Peter Lewis's stint on Season 3 of "American Idol." I'd really been rooting for the Midas boys and had been looking forward to all the exciting, wacky things they could get up to on the live shows. But then Adam pitted them against Amber Carrington in the Knockout Rounds, and they got knocked out. Oh, what might have been. I still miss these boys. I've had the Folsom Prison Blues ever since they left."

Yes I thought it was sad that Midas Whale got the boot, but for what it's worth this is when Amber was made the dark horse of the season. Defeating Sasha was a bit of a fluke, but taking out a crowd favorite in the Knockouts is something to take note of; remember, Cody Belew (S3) is pretty much the epitome of the Knockouts; taking out a crowd favorite to go on to notoriety in your own right is never OK to ignore.

That aside, her other picks had me thinking "get.over.yourself." [Sorry Lyndsey but this is how I feel and why I started the blog.] Savannah was awful and shared my hate of Danielle because of their "Kewpie" qualities. Shawna P is a Janis Joplin knockoff and a bland one at that. The one time she didn't sound like a Janis impersonator came at the worst time; when Sasha whipped her ass in the Knockouts. Sarah was just as bad as Judith and deserved to be ousted the same week as HRFH. Luke screwed himself when he picked Blake [and even Lyndsey knew that!] and dug the hole deeper by singing "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry. Then, with "Lana Del Opry" [Grace Askew] I wasn't surprised when she got gypped. She was "bluntry" when Blake only digs country.

So this is pretty much my analysis of another critics' work. Shameless? Perhaps. Interesting? Your goddamn right it is : P

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Results of the Top 5

I awaited the results of operations "No More Kewpie" and "No More Swon" with little faith in the voting public (Kind of how anybody that supported Ralph Nader felt). As only 3 would be declared safe, fodder would be the name of the game. S3's runner up and 3rd place contestants I never voted for, Terry "the Scottish one" McDermott and Nicholas David showed up to perform alongside S2's 3rd place contestant Tony "X-Tina hates me" Lucca.

Let's play rough and get it on!

Before the results and true fodder began, Fall Out Boy pimped their most recent song "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)" [how brevity laden -_-] and even had Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel help them out. I learned something of the lead singer; he can shimmy and work his ankles with the best of them O_O.

"Coach's Corner" went like this; Amber's genre diversity, Sasha's multi-faceted existence, Michelle's quirkiness/confidence boosting through the show and Blake's banking off of the tone deaf voting public were brought up (That last part may have been embellished -_-). Nicholas David then took the stage and my mute button brought out the best of his voice *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade* Watching him, I was repulsed at how he was trying to serve "Olsen Twin Gone Creamy Cracked Out" realness. BO-Hell No you di'int. BO-Hell NO you di'int.

The first person moving on to the finale is...Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel! O_O This is a moment of sheer victory. Whether this victory would be continuous was yet to be determined.

Fodder time struck again as Tony Lucca debuted his new song "Never Gonna Let You Go"...however, the sting of Katrina Parker losing to him erased the good that he no longer strains his voice whilst singing. He reveals that Adam signed him to his record label, 222 Records, has an EP due July 16th and is touring with Maroon 5 in September (Now you can cross him off the "Where the fuck are they now?" list). Then, the contestants became a Poison cover band when they sang "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". No one can really suck singing it, so not much to say. Yes, it's surprising, but I say; get over yourself.

Second saved is...Kewpie Doll. So much for celebrating tonight. Maybe "No More Kewpie" will work as a tool to prevent Team Blake from taking a 3rd straight title. Ah, wishful thinking.

The fodder came to as Terry McDermott debuted his new single, "Pictures". Hard to think he shared oxygen with that she-devil who won S3 on Team Blake. His set was a touch tacky but his song doesn't seem to suck. According to Carson, this song had at some point hit #1 on the iTunes Rock Charts. *golf claps* It was nice to see Blake have good things to say about a non-country artist he mentored. Enough of that gooey shit; it ruins the finish of the floor.

Finally...the Corny Duo moves on to the finale alongside Michelle and Kewpie Doll.

BOOTED: Amber Carrington & Sasha Allen. T_T With those verdicts, Adam and Shakira won't win the S4 crown.

Amber wasn't my favorite of Team Adam, but she ascended high into the Top 5 as the biggest Dark Horse contestant in show memory. Respect must be given for someone who had the deck stacked against her when HRFH was still on Team Adam.
Sasha's elimination was painful. She was one of the best contestants in show history and she and Amber should have advanced instead of that damn Kewpie Doll and Corny Duo.

Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel is the last chance to topple that gravy sweating monstrosity known as Team Blake from winning and letting Usher win the S4 crown.

All in all, even if The Voice is better than Idle...err Idol or the X Factor, this results show mainly hurt. Up next for scrutiny, the finale show [not to be confused with the finale + fodder show next Tuesday].

Monday, June 10, 2013

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Top 5 Performances

Despite the derailing of operations "No More Kewpie" and "No More Swon" last week, I was still determined to vote enough times to oust both of their asses. 2 are slated to get the boot and I hope Team Blake gets axed. Enough of the uplifting material; this is what happened when the 5 remaining contestants were slated to perform.

Let's play rough and get it on! As with last week, each of the contestants were given a song by their coach and were asked to not fuck up a song of their choosing.

First up was the Corny Duo of Team Blake. They dedicated "Turn the Page" by Bob Seger to the band that had been playing alongside them. Even I have to admit it was a nice touch of them to dedicate a song to somebody. Still, "No More Swon" is in effect. Zack did have a slight money note moment, but it was another blase performance from a duo I've never voted for and will gladly say I won't have by time the season ends. *Side note: Adam unleashed his "Swon salute" as something else they can use for their corny repertoire. Thanks, Adam. -_-*

Second was Sasha Allen of Team Shakira. She dedicated "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston to her kids. Normally I'd be reading a contestant to filth for kissing Whitney fandom ass, but because of who she dedicated that to, I can't be a total asshole about the selection. Sarah Simmons gown and reverse Ombre hair nightmare aside, Sasha was able to give the song a variation of it that was rather touching.

*PREVIEW OF A SHOW EVEN I WOULDN'T WATCH TIME! So there's this new show called The Winner Is...; concept aside, YouTube celebrity Tyler Oakley is one of the 100 people judging. So it's The Voice meets 1 VS 100 and has Tyler Oakley judging people. Oh look at the time; it's fuck this shit and bitch you be trippin' o'clock. -_-*

Third was Michelle "Amazing Human" of Team Usher. After being shown in her hometown with people smart enough to love her quirky ass, her first song of the night is "Clarity" by Zedd (I don't even want to type that name into Wikipedia). Usher had chosen that song according to the show's Twitter account. That aside, Michelle bitchslapped the song and worked the stage which had a lovely design scheme (It's the only time I've ever thought something looking like a unicorn's brainwaves was a good thing).

Fourth was Kewpie Doll of Team Blake. She sang Blake's choice for her first; "Please Remember Me" by Tim McGraw. I could smell the blase from a mile away and had the mute button on. She then proceeds to get the same undeserved praise from every coach. As usual I don't get her appeal and much like my "voting record" w/ the Corny Duo, I will have never voted for her.

Finally, Amber Carrington of Team Adam closed out round 1; she dedicated the only acceptable Katy Perry song to sing in public, "Firework" to her friends back in TX. Adam looked pleased with himself as she was performing the song. He should have as she sang it so much better than Katy Perry ever could. Blake pissed and moaned that she isn't singing "pure" country music. She's Pop/Country like Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood and there's nothing wrong with that.

First to return was the Corny Duo. They were presented with a "rising star" award by the Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame (Blake won this in '03; that and so much more in the Trivial Pursuit: the Very Few Give a Fuck Edition). They presented more blase realness with their rendition of "Danny's Song" by Kenny Loggins (No, not Will Sasso of MadTV fame; the real one). Even Carson has a connection to the song as it made him exude "feels" for his childhood.

Second back was Sasha Allen. Shakira's choice for her is disco classic "Bad Girls" by Donna Summer. "Disco Diva" realness was served and she dropkicked the hell out of that song. : )

Third back was Kewpie Doll. She dedicated "Who I Am" by Jessica Andrews to family and friends. Carson reported people around him crying but I defer to this tweet...

"Sadly I think Carson meant tears of joy. #AllTAllShade"

Fourth back was Amber. Hometown footage reconnected her with her supporters; boutique workers and family though it did remind her of mother's passing. : ( She still got through a concert held in her hometown and even got a day named in her honor [like some others tonight had]. She sang "Sad" by Maroon 5 (The reason Adam had a paycheck before The Voice). The reviews were favorable for her (Despite Blake throwing shade at Adam's expense again; -_- I swear the hate sex must be beyond intense between them. : P)

Last at bat for the night was Michelle [I swear that was not intentional]. She dedicated "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper to her coach Usher. A bit of a kiss ass move at first and it brought back Javier Colon memories O_O As usual, she bitchslaps the performance and there's even a moment where the clock looks like it breaks in real life. : )

All in all, with hope Team Blake gets axed, The Voice is far and above the ruler of talent shows.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. Post 5: Beyoncé

This is a series dedicated to women who despite success in the U.S. Music Industry, have est. a very complicated image for themselves.

*This post in particular marks the 50th post total for the blog. : )*

Round 5 of this post goes to Destiny's Child front-woman, singer, actress, H&M spokesmodel and receiving end of shit-storms left, right and center; Beyoncé.

Born in Houston, Texas, she emerged out like a lot of famous musicians. Shy, insecure and a badass on stage singing their heart out. Her singing talent was cultivated by her infamous mother, Tina Knowles and father, Matthew Knowles. Matthew would first nurture her stage presence by doing the "Star Search" thing. Getting her, alongside future Destiny's Child members Kelly Rowland and LaTavia Roberson they formed the act "Girl's Tyme" and like all famous musicians ended up losing.

Cut to after Matthew leaves his job with Xerox and Tina begins designing the outfits (Every outfit more or less having this reaction...O_O). Destiny's Child would be formed with Beyoncé, Kelly, LaTavia and Letoya Luckett. The group debuted with the song "No, No, No" & corresponding eponymous debut studio effort and what began apart from the career of one of the more well received U.S. based girl-groups, was needless criticism of Beyoncé's star power. The criticism amounted to pretty much this; "Too much attention is on Beyoncé!"
Let's see; her last name is Knowles...her dad is managing them...her mom is designing the costumes...hmmm, I wonder if those have anything to with the obvious. -_- No shit there was a bit of bend towards her! She was being pimped out from the start because her mom and dad had enough faith in her daughter to make it big. Also, if it were just Beyoncé and no one else, there wouldn't even be Destiny's Child as a group; it'd be "Beyoncé and the Destiny's Children backup singers" DUH! Matthew and Tina were smart enough to give their daughter but also 3 other young women the chance at stardom.

The group would emerge as a force to be reckoned with and by the 2nd effort, The Writing's on the Wall, things could only look bigger for the group. "Bills, Bills, Bills" would capitalize on the initial success the group made. Then controversy arose in 2 forms; First, Letoya and LaTavia would be stupid enough to be dissatisfied with Matthew's managing of the group claiming he'd been screwing them out of money. Even if it was true, common sense law:

NEVER Shit-talk your boss. Even if they deserve it, NEVER Shit-talk your boss.

Second, Matthew took an admittedly cheap way out by magically replacing Letoya and LaTavia with Michelle Williams and Farrah Franklin for the "Say My Name" music video [who actually played an ancillary role in the "Bills, Bills, Bills" video as a hairdresser]. Though Williams' and Franklin's vocals weren't on the album, they finished off their video debuts for the single, "Jumpin' Jumpin'". Franklin would eventually leave the group after the video (After finding out her purchase of a Bermuda Triangle condo had been approved. *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade*).

Fast forward to the group's 3rd effort, Survivor. Though as a collective it received lukewarm to favorable reviews, 3 of the most recognizable songs from the Destiny's Child anthology emerged: "Independent Women", "Bootylicious" (Which ended up in the Oxford English Dictionary at around the time English teachers in the nation had reached permanent depression) and the title track, "Survivor". This helped the album reach #1 and be certified multi-platinum.
Finally, the group released its final album the bad pun but fitting, Destiny Fulfilled which would spawn 2 more recognizable hits; "Soldier" ft. T.I. and Lil' Wayne along with easily one of the most sweat inducing songs ever created, "Lose My Breath".

Even through this phase of success, Beyoncé would keep receiving more needless criticism that amounted to the obvious; "She's overshadowing them both!". 3 things with that:

1. Outside of the fact her parents were managing them, she had always been a stand out as she had the best of both singing and stage presence [that and her fucking name is Beyoncé; no one had ever heard of that name until she came along and really...no other person any of us know is named Beyoncé.]

2. She had always been part of a group and unlike most U.S. based girl groups of the late 90s early 00s era, every member of Destiny's Child sang. As ancillary as they had seemed, Kelly and Michelle had contributed a lot to the group; all have songwriting credits and they have some of the most memorable lines in DC anthology [Kelly fit "won't compromise my Christianity" in "Survivor" and Michelle invented "vi-va-vacious" in "Bootylicious".]

3. When the solo careers of each member started after Survivor, Kelly looked to be the breakout star. Her song "Dilemma" ft. Nelly had done much better in the U.S. than Beyoncé's song "Work It Out" for the soundtrack to Austin Powers: Goldmember which she also starred in [and needlessly got read to filth for her acting chops]. *Side note: Michelle would have a moderately successful Contemporary Gospel meets R&B fusion like career*

As mentioned between Survivor and Destiny Fulfilled, Beyoncé's solo career hit a minute bump when "Work It Out" didn't make a huge impact on U.S. charts. However, she emerged out of the gates with a song Cody Belew of The Voice S3 made me realize how good it had always been; "Crazy In Love" ft. future husband Jay-Z. This wasn't the first time the two of them ("Had built castles in the sky"...shut the fuck up, bad pun emitter.) had worked together. She had been featured on his song, "'03 Bonnie & Clyde".
The song would launch the solo career everyone knows of whether they liked her or wanted her to end up "Fender Ketchup". Alongside that, would be the sex on the beach sounding single, "Baby Boy" ft. Sean Paul; the future Making The Band "3.2" audition song "Me, Myself and I" and the suggestive as hell "Naughty Girl". Those songs propelled her debut album, Dangerously In Love to commercial success.

Cut to after her song for the 2006 adaptation of The Pink Panther, "Check on It", was scrapped for the soundtrack but was placed on the Destiny's Child greatest hits compilation, #1's. Her sophomore effort, B'Day would emerge to success with the lead single and 3rd collaborative effort with Jay-Z, "Déjà Vu". [Personally, this is the best Beyoncé and Jay-Z collaboration they have. Keep in mind, only Cody Belew made me appreciate how well the song had apparently aged when he performed it on The Voice.] Her follow up single, "Ring The Alarm" while an instrumentally bombastic tune had a little less success on the charts while still peaking in the Billboard Top 15.
However, the single would mark another bit of needless controversy; a supposed rivalry with Rihanna who'd always been rumored as Jay-Z's "side piece*" as opposed to an artist he signed to Def Jam when he became the head of the label (* Code for sexual liaison outside of a romantic relationship) The song was read to filth in the aspect that she had been putting the supposed tryst on notice. Why read something to filth up and down and round and round if there's no goddamn proof?
After that "controversy" died down, she went on to release one of the biggest and most overrated #1 singles; "Irreplaceable" (This is MrSwearword V.S. Everyone for a reason) *Fun fact: this song was originally written by Ne-Yo for his use, but due to societal gender stereotyping he shopped the song to many a female artists before Beyoncé decided to take it for her use* Add the scintillating "Beautiful Liar" ft. Shakira and B'Day had been proof that Beyoncé's solo career was no fluke.

Cut past her roles in the film adaptation of Dreamgirls and Cadillac Records to her 2009 effort, I Am...Sasha Fierce. This would be Bey's most artistic effort to date as the album would be a 2 disc concept; "I Am" being Bey and "Sasha Fierce" being her alter-ego taking over on CD as opposed to stage. "Sasha Fierce" was the personification of Beyoncé's stage presence taking over the quite reserved and private singer. Despite the album reaching #1, the songs would be unintentionally some of the most divisive she had released. "If I Were A Boy", "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)", "Diva" and "Sweet Dreams" would be the more positively received songs from the album (And out of those I like "Sweet Dreams" and "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)") "Halo" would be the most divisive of the songs the album had. I don't understand why; the song is good and is one of her strongest ballads no matter how much thebacklot.com contributor, Louis Virtel hates this song (Fuck anonymity; I name names proudly).

Fast forward to more needless controversy around her birthing Blue Ivy [a supposed fake pregnancy while a surrogate would actually birth Blue Ivy -_-] her most recent effort, 4, would be a more positively received collective than I Am...Sasha Fierce would be. Although that didn't seem to be the picture when the lead single "Run The World (Girls)" was met with mixed reviews, backlash for its sample of "Pon de Floor" by Major Lazer and lukewarm chart performance [peaking at #29 on the Hot 100 O_O]. The video would make up for the aforementioned elements, but 4 teetered close to being "86'd".
However, things improved when the deliciously vindictive ballad "Best Thing I Never Had" was met with better reception and slightly better chart performance. Then, "Countdown" while catchy didn't exactly last long on the charts and ushered in more criticism. Here it is in a nutshell because I find it pointless; some Belgian choreographer claimed Beyoncé had ripped off some elements of hers for the music video. She claimed she was neither offended nor flattered at the "liberal using" of her elements.
Oh really, bitch? Then why speak up about it? Say something only if you plan on suing Bey for ripping off something from your damn "Achterland" and "Rosas danst Rosas" pieces. Other than that, keep your damn mouth shut and be glad people now know the names of those fucking things. [That has always been something that irked me; if people admit that they took inspiration from something but get shit on for being "too much" like what they took inspiration from; shut up! Be glad some shitty, esoteric nothingness gets some recognition by a relevant artist] *Sorry, I can get really pissy when people shit on Beyoncé for seemingly no reason* Add on the New Edition inspired "Love On Top" and its #1 peak on the Hot 100 R&B/Hip Hop charts and the era of 4 concludes.
Add her kickass SuperBowl half-time performance that made up for Madonna's crappy performance the year before, her new Pepsi deal and her new singles "Bow Down/I Been On" and "Grown Woman" alongside becoming the latest H&M designer/model (with her still functioning House of Deréon fashion line to her name) and the question below is begged.

So what exactly makes Beyoncé one of many W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I.? A lot in terms of overall image. Early Destiny's Child era saw the "overshadow" criticism along with her skin tone being castigated by the black community for no reason. When she fell for Jay-Z that brought along the dumbest rumors of her; the Illuminati membership crap (It's like the Freemasons if they worshipped the devil). Everything from her songs played backwards "spelling out occultist spells" bullshit; music videos containing devil praising things like triangles and horses; the "Roc-a-fella" hand gesture being Illuminati code as well and even Blue Ivy being dragged into this shit. Add on to that, constant fuckery by people who hate her music [and frankly are stupid for doing so] and that's one aspect of her image; constant non-controversy being drawn.
On the other hand an actual scandal emerged when it was revealed by documents given to WikiLeaks, she alongside the likes of Mariah Carey and Usher had received a shitload of money for concerts to family members of fallen and deceased Libyan dictator, Muammar Gaddafi. Beyoncé's case was a 2009 New Year's Eve gig on the island of St. Bart's. However much she had received by the time the scandal hit, the sum amount had been donated to the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund to aid those who'd been affected by the 2010 Haiti earthquake.

So even if quality hadn't deteriorated over the years, unneeded backlash and/or controversy only hinders Beyoncé's reign as a goddamn megastar. Something that really can't be said for 3 of the other women covered in this series (Christina Aguilera is fucking fabulous as well so figure out the rest. : P)

Next up; Madonna fans will be seething with rage once they know who I'm Gaga over instead of her.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Just in Case

Apart from finally making the blog look really pretty, I'd like to remind people of how to comment for things related to the blog...

1. Comment after reading by either saying what you like about it or things that pissed you off...e.g.

- "Wow; I never thought that many cuss words could really voice my opinions."

- "What the hell is wrong with you? I like Judith Hill! > : ( Y U NO LIKE TALENT?!!!!!!1!"
(Believe me; things like this won't only make you feel like a big strong man or woman, but that shit will make me laugh my ass off.)

2. Direct all fan and/or hate remarks to me on Twitter, @MrSwearword...e.g.

- @MrSwearword That post over Nicole Scherzinger was mean but very accurate. #MrSwearwordVSEveryone

- @MrSwearword ZOMG! U PuNk biiiiiiitch #JudithROOLZ
(Again, I need laughter from the internet and hate tweets like this will certainly do the trick.)

Remember these as you soak in whatever the fuck I post on the blog. : )

Friday, June 7, 2013

W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. Post 4: Christina Aguilera

This is a series dedicated to women who despite success in the U.S. Music Industry, have est. a very complicated image for themselves.

Round 4 of this post goes to Genie in A Bottle turned Mangler of the National Anthem after a bottle, The Voice U.S. coach and Fashion Police bulls-eye Christina Aguilera.

In her Behind The Music, it was revealed Christina had seen the absolute worst at a young age. She was a military brat to an abusive father figure. Eventually her mother took her and her sister away to Pennsylvania where Christina's life would be screwed with more. When her singing talent was being developed, her critics and other forms of haters were developing as well. After appearing on Star Search [but losing like every successful musician that came from that show] word is from BTM, when she was in a school talent show a competitor had unplugged the amp she was using. Even worse was when peers had slashed the tires on the family car. O_O (PSA moment: Remember; condoms cost less than a minivan and a life for some budding brat w/ your genetic makeup.)

Cut to her initial breakout after being one of the Mickey Mouse Club Mouseketeers [With other soon to be famous people such as Keri Russell {"Felicity", "The Americans"}, Ryan Gosling {Some stupid chick flick}, Justin Timberlake {SNL loiterer, "Rock Your Body", "Wardrobe Malfunction"}, Britney Spears {"I'm A Slave 4 U", X Factor U.S. judge for a season} and eventual Voice S2 contestant and "Dad With Dreams", Tony Lucca.] She eventually sings the CD exclusive Version of "Reflections" for the Mulan soundtrack. That landed her with RCA Records and non-team player, Ron Fair (Refer back to Nicole's post in this series).

Her solo breakout occurred with her musical earworm contribution, "Genie In A Bottle". Christina had debuted alongside Britney Spears, Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson. Retrospective pieces over that 1999 pop music face off pretty much determined Christina had the best vocal talents. In BTM, she admits that GIB was a very limiting song, vocally and creatively (Wow, what a shock -_-). However, her follow up singles "What A Girl Wants" and "Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)" helped her solo career take off in the right direction as her eponymous debut effort went to #1 and sold a shitload of copies.

Cut to after her 1st Spanish language CD and 1st Christmas CD were read the house down into the cement critically and commercially. The 2002 album Stripped, would unleash the "X-Tina" era of her career. By then, she had said [to some effect] "suck it!" to Ron Fair as she paired with Howard Kurtz to manage her. Her debut single from that album, "Dirrty", would certainly declare that not only was the genie out of the bottle, but that if you pause the music video for "Dirrty", you swear you could see it on display O_O.
However, after that release one of her most acclaimed songs would emerge. Written by Linda Perry, who had found a new mainstream success [courtesy of her rival, P!nk] as the "go-to" songwriter of the moment, "Beautiful" would prove that Christina really is one of the best singers in the industry. However, due to some flack from "Dirrty" the album would only peak at #2.
Then after pimping herself alongside Justin Timberlake for a joint tour venture, she caught a teency bit more flack for something Britney would become famous for (Making out with Madonna and living to tell about the encounter).

Years later, c. 2006 after having a bit of a tiff with Britney for a quote from Blender Magazine [that Christina said], a hair dye change and being told about retro 50s glamour, she'd release Back To Basics. Her best album in terms of creativity [even if some critics bitched at the fact it was 2 discs long.] would be kicked off by the song "Ain't No Other Man" which she dedicated to now ex-husband, Jordan Bratman. "Candyman" while a tad catchier didn't do as well on the radio as "Ain't No Other Man"; admittedly "Candyman" is the better video (Because it doesn't end while going into another song. > : ( That trend really pisses me off.)
Then her greatest hits album released in 2008, Keeps Gettin' Better: A Decade of Hits, and the track "Keeps Gettin' Better" revealed a recent flaw she hasn't dealt with properly; her trying way too hard to compete with the likes of Lady Gaga. That problem would manifest in the worst way possible 2 years later...

Bionic looked to be Aguilera's most artistically daring album yet. However, chances are everything from the cover art of the album to the atrocious song "Not Myself Tonight" was created in some misguided response to something Aguilera said to the effect of "I don't know who Lady Gaga is..." Cut to "Not Myself Tonight" being released and frankly...O_O what. the. hell. was. that. video? Black paint being smeared around pointlessly? Check. Needlessly slutty lingerie shots involving writhing on some poor video models? Check. An ironic acknowledgement of her misguided attempts at avante-garde style pop music?

"I'm not a character; I'm in 'rare form'...'cause I'm doing things that I normally won't do."

That and remembering the song is titled "Not Myself Tonight" makes that a "Check".
Cut to her 2011 persona and things only looked worse from there. She had become the gift that kept on giving for the E! show Fashion Police. She had also become infamous for botching the National Anthem at the Superbowl; compound that with an unfortunate divorce, and Aguilera would be in limbo.

That would've been the case had it not been for the NBC version of The Voice. Aguilera became a coach and her career would get a much needed kick to the ass from a collaborative effort from Maroon 5. They featured her on the deliciously tacky jam, "Moves Like Jagger". Cut to her other 2 seasons as a judge before wanting to capitalize on the show's success and Aguilera was back in business. She had debuted snippets of her soon to be album Lotus. "Your Body" was debuted as a teaser, and she performed the song "Let There Be Love" with her contestants at the time Sylvia Yacoub and Dez Duron.

Yet even with the success of the show, Christina's overall image was still being read for filth. S2 saw the worst of her outfits (Her ode to Dish Network hat in the Battle Rounds and her sequined diaper looking panties in the finale) and S3 saw some really fucked up looking wigs. O_O That and before S3 she and Adam had a bit of tension which came to a head in S2 when Tony Lucca performed "99 Problems" by Jay-Z and sang it with the word bitch. Christina took offense to him not censoring the word; Adam tried to defend the choice of not censoring "bitch"; she had the balls to say Chris Mann was a bigger man than Tony and Chris ended up in 4th place.
Even worse, Lotus would be wilted in sales despite help from other Voice coaches Cee-Lo and Blake on 2 separate tracks from the album.

Christina's place as one of many W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. stems from despite her making a name for herself among so many big names at the time, she's slipped in quality after Back To Basics. While using The Voice as a much needed re-connection mechanism, she left the show to a more positively received Shakira for S4. Someone in Christina's mirror needs to straighten her ass out. To remind her that pre-Bionic she was regarded as one of the best singers in U.S. Recording Artist history.

Next up; the A-Bey-Cs aren't quite as easy as 1,2,3 ; do-re-mi, etc.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Freedom Of The Seas Act II Part II

She agreed to the match and even diluted herself to her strongest human form. With katana in hand, the great evil beckoned Lorenzo. “Well you pussy, it’s now or never. Fight me.” They drew swords and with the first clang, began the fight.
 The start would be non-stop clangs and sparks of steel being emitted for an hour and a half. “One of us will tire, you pussy.” she said to him. “It’s not me yet, you bitch.” he replied. The fight wouldn’t stay on ground much longer. As it seemed like one would finally draw blood, their patterns of movement had them both fall onto a river barge.
 “Has he fought this long before?” a faction member asked.
 “Not since he tried reading a Dr. Seuss book cover to cover on his own.” Johnny replied.
 “Wow, I knew he was dumb but goddamn.” a horde member chimed.
 “How does one struggle with Dr. Seuss?” an alliance member added.
 The banter died down when Ramdao and Satchee had traversed a trail that was next to the river barge’s path. Satchee had pulled out blow darts and Ramdao coated them with a neurotoxin certain to bring Judith to a certain death. However, given the circumstances, the neurotoxin was not at its peak. The incantation would’ve consumed too much time that would’ve been used to assist Lorenzo. Making do with what they could, Satchee was able to pinpoint Judith from the trail. Every dart she had hit Judith, but because of the limited strength of the neurotoxin, had little effect.
 Lorenzo was finally able to draw blood from Judith. He knew the blood would not affect him as Ramdao’s allegiance to him granted him a rare immunity. She was still able to fight him and was almost able to draw blood from him with her katana. The army had been following the two since they landed on the river barge. Ramdao was able to locate the end of the path before Lorenzo and Judith knew and teleported everyone to the path’s end.
 The end of the river barge’s path took them 14 miles from Sao Bangkok into a familiar place for the quad. The village of Kahlo; the resting grounds of Catya. Arriving in the town port, the army had situated themselves all along Kahlo’s streets and rooftops. When the river barge had arrived later, neither Judith nor Lorenzo wasted time in engaging each other on land. Kicks and punches later they had arrived where the ground army had waited.
 When Judith was punched away from Lorenzo’s vicinity, they struck. The alliances, hordes and factions each kicked, punched and beat Judith. When Waluigi had performed his super kick move, it looked premature in victory. Her speed towards a café and eventually crashing into the café would’ve ended the fight on anyone else. However, she emerged only bruised from the onslaught. “You are still pathetic and weak!” she barked.
 Meaghan devised a plan to really have Judith lose blood. Having Maryam plan out the angles of attack, she commanded Tarsus and Christie to jettison themselves toward Judith in an attempt to disarm of her katana. Tarsus had gone first, but was only able to temporarily stun her. Christie had followed up and was successful in more than just disarming Judith. She had lopped her arm off clean. “Aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh!” she began. “My arm! My sword!” “Zip it bitch!” she taunted.
 Lorenzo seized on her moment of weakness and sliced her other arm off as well. Her follow up scream was just as painful. “Give it up, Judith...” he began. “Your death is imminent.” She refused to concede. “Like hell I’m giving up.” Her diabolical nature allowed her to regenerate her arms. “Well, isn’t that special.” Ramdao noted. “She mustn’t realize the handicap she caused herself.” Meaghan had wondered what he was talking about, but it was clear upon looking at her upper body. “Her ribcage looks odd...” she thought. Then she realized that Judith had sacrificed lung capacity for a new set of arms as her ribs had formed new arms.
 Lorenzo noted this too and taunted her on a chase through the streets of Kahlo. Adrenaline had worked itself into Lorenzo’s favor. His carved path proved too much for Judith as she collapsed in the city’s main square. The army had been teleported there as Ramdao had seen how Lorenzo had defeated the great evil.
 They met up where Judith had conceded. “No! No, goddamnit, no!” she angrily barked. “Save that limited and dying breath, bitch.” Christie ordered. Waluigi prompted, “So now what? How do we finish this whore off for good?” They had consorted long enough to reach the conclusion that she would be beaten by everyone with Lorenzo delivering the final blow. “Yeah that’s good to whoever seconded the motion for this.” Meaghan began. “Was it you over there in the faction?” The faction member in question nodded his head positively. “I like how that idea involves all of us coming together full circle without us looking clichéd.” she replied.
 The quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus, Maryam and Calliope were at long last ready to vanquish the great evil. Christie announced the order of beating; “It goes alliances, factions and hordes. All of you will punch the fuck out of her as hard as you can.” An alliance leader asked, “Are we allowed to bite her?” Christie replied, “Look! A bullet!” and shot him in-between the eyes. “They still don’t think to duck when I say that.” After no further inquiries from the army were raised, they had proceeded to start beating the great evil to death.
 The alliances crudely but effectively began the assailing by punching her and playing Karmin’s debut effort. The punches would sound better to the great evil. “Dear God, I know I’m your biggest enemy but I know I deserve better than this music playing.” “Quit bellyaching yourself and let us get to that later.” Waluigi retorted. After thirty minutes, the alliances had left bruises and let the hordes take the next round.
 The hordes continued by kicking her until the bruises darkened enough to their likings.
“Come on guys...” a horde member began. “Our faction brothers need a turn beating her lightly at some point.” “I’m just getting the bruise to look like Madonna!” another horde member replied. “I can help with that!” a faction leader exclaimed. “Any era of Madonna in mind?”
 “I was thinking ‘True Blue’ era with the fact that there is bruising on her.” the other horde member said.
 “Isn’t that a little pun heavy; i.e., something Christie could kill you for?” the faction leader asked.
 “Good point. One more punch and I can lay some ‘Hard Candy’ era Madonna here.”
 “I can do ‘Confessions on a Dance Floor’ era into ‘Hard Candy’ era for you.”
 “Wow, thanks so much!” the other horde member said.
 The faction delivered on the sickeningly cute promise made and also did their part in the finishing off of the great evil. Kicks similar to world class soccer matches and left right punch combos had further depleted the great evil’s lung capacity. Meaghan nudged Ramdao to predict if Judith was feigning defeat to attack later. He viewed a future conflict but told Meaghan that it had nothing to do with Judith. “When you’re done, commandeer a ferry big enough for the rest of us. Judith won’t be our last opponent on this journey.” She complied and relayed what she knew to Christie. She agreed to let Meaghan kick Judith’s ass first. “Just save enough of her for us to finish her off.” she advised.
 Meaghan decided to keep her attack brief and beat the great evil with her Sigma Shield. As soon as she drew the smallest amount of blood, she eyed Ramdao who indicated her to commandeer a ferry. She ran through Kahlo leaving the others baffled. “Something awaits us even after this.” Satchee noted. Ramdao had said nothing and let the others have their vengeance. Johnny performed a series of bicycle kicks until she stunned Judith to his liking. Satchee had
taken a more brutal yet minimalist approach. She took out a pouch she had. This pouch contained shattered glass dust. She decided to fling the dust into her eyes. The agonizing screams from the great evil had reverberated against the village’s landscape to where even members of the army had been driven mad by the noise. Ramdao had taken his turn and asked Maryam to assist him. He prompted her to break Judith’s entire body. She had done that with the “Haitian Pita”; a move she learned from her family, the move had Maryam envelop herself around Judith. When she had all of Judith positioned correctly, she merely leaned back when crunching had been heard and screams were emitted from the great evil yet again. Ramdao had then recited an incantation that had the great evil like a ragdoll. With his mind, she had been flung against the entire main square of Kahlo. He had positioned her back when he grew tired of toying with her.
 Waluigi and Tarsus had decided to assist in each other’s turn as well. Tarsus had lacerated her naval with his naginata. Then Waluigi proceeded to beat Judith with five bottles of champagne. Each broken bottle and content had been a type of salt added to the wounds left by everyone so far. Johnny and Calliope decided to have Lorenzo deliver the final blow but not before they made it simple for him. Johnny pierced his Sai deep into the great evil and beat her with a bag of rocks viciously. Calliope taunted the great evil before she did what she did. “It must be a pity to have been on top for so long only to die in a village no bigger than a recycling bin.” She then mauled her with a set of makeshift claws. Every bit of flesh torn even had Christie disgusted. “Yeesh, even I wouldn’t do shit this sick to her you goddamn nutcase.”
 She pulled Calliope aside and proceeded to make the final blow even easier for Lorenzo. With her ring blade she lopped off the regenerated arms off and amputated her legs. “Aaaaaaaaagggggggggggggghh!” was the last big scream she unleashed. “Shut the hell up.” Christie began. “It could’ve been a lot worse.” The army nodded their heads in concurrence.
 As Lorenzo stepped forward to deliver the final blow, he was told by Ramdao to make it quick. “Meaghan will return any moment now. Finish her off, with no mercy.” He raised his sword and had administered a move that nearly haunted the army worse than Christie’s bony num nums episodes. He thrust the sword into the great evil’s nether regions and kept it there until the impact had rendered the great evil into a skeletal remain. “Did he just...” an alliance member started. “Oh God; he gave her a Russian Tampon!” A horde member added, “Yes that plot point is over now, but I found that very foul.” Christie concurred. “It’s pretty bad when ruthless alliances, hordes and factions are disgusted by your actions.”
 Ramdao had prompted Satchee to purify the village landscape, skeletal remains and the sword used as to cleanse it of its tainted spirit. “Ramdao?” Waluigi started. “Did you really use the term ‘tainted’ considering where the sword was near?” “I’m the Keeper of the gateway and Grandmaster of the Pegasus!” he retorted. “Not the king of subtext.” “Leave it to someone who mixes Santeria and Presbyterianism together to not have subtlety or subtext.” a faction leader murmured. Just as Satchee had cleansed the remains and the sword, Meaghan arrived with the ferry she commandeered. “Everybody get on!” she demanded.
 They were surprised that this was the very same vessel they had embarked on from Costa Amethyst to Cape Elysees. The other members of the quad drove the dune buggy on to the ferry and rushed the army to board ship. Once on, Waluigi had resumed his Captain status. After getting the word to venture onward, the ferry had left the village of Kahlo. “Travel as fast as this ferry will allow you to.” Ramdao urged.
 Waluigi found the ship’s top speed and maintained the speed until Ramdao had given him clearance. The rest were appeased but hesitant to declare victory aloud. Lorenzo was still honored as the slayer of the great evil. Calliope was most impressed with his valor.
“You may be as much of an intellect as a properly hydrated plant, but you fight with the type of brutish efficiency that makes historical figures out of otherwise inferior men of conquest.” she backhandedly relayed to him. “I thank you, Calliope.” he replied. Lorenzo looked into Johnny’s eyes and said to him, “No matter what happens, I love you to pieces.” Their kiss at that moment would be the most rewarding lip locking of their unorthodox history.
 Christie had eventually learned of how Big Fucker had been slain, after Ramdao had felt keeping this from her was no longer viable. “He couldn’t have done anything against a miasma that strong to make him loopy like that.” she began. “However, he did share appreciation for cheddar Goldfish, so he died with honor.” “I apologize for keeping this from you for so long.” he replied. “Don’t apologize for that. The ends justify the means within our fucked up microcosm.” she retorted.
 Satchee had eventually revealed her liking to Ramdao as more than just a mentor of sorts. “If we die for some pointless reason of plot development, I feel compelled to express my love for you.” He returned the affection to her, though without the burning passion of Lorenzo and Johnny. “We could have something from this. Remain optimistic.” he told her. Tarsus and Maryam had established a similar connection. “I do like educated men.” she cooed. “I like flexible women who regret birthing children by accident.” he cheekily but darkly quipped. “Oh, you adorable barely supporting character you.” she quipped.
 Waluigi had thought to himself, “I hope Ramdao gives the clearing soon. I got my eye on one of the alliance leaders. What a hot piece of man he is!” Meaghan had relayed the clearing on Ramdao’s behalf. “He says we can proceed smoother now.” “Thanks.” he began. He handed her a folded piece of parchment continuing, “By the way, give this alliance leader special access to my maritime cockpit.” She complied but quipped, “Use that phrase again and I rip this up.”
 When Waluigi had reduced the ferry’s speed to normal, Ramdao had visited him. “I need to determine if we somehow managed to avoid the fight I had foreseen back in the village of Kahlo.” he said to him. Grabbing hold of the steering wheel, Ramdao had envisioned enough of the future to determine the outcome. “Even with Meaghan’s promptness, we must still face one last set of opponents.” Waluigi pressed him for information. “Who did you see us do battle with?” “It isn’t a greater evil than Judith. That much I can promise you.” he replied. Just as that was uttered their final opponents made themselves known, with helicopters and a destroyer ship. “Keep the course for navigation.” Ramdao prompted.
 When away from the navigation ward, Ramdao had seen their opponents. A sanctioned paramilitary group Lockheed Martin C-130J Super Hercules emerged forth. “Stop now, criminals!” they exclaimed. “Who the hell are they?” Meaghan queried. The last opponents were members of a joint nation effort to wipe out the army. “We will do everything we can to destroy you as to never cause the havoc you did.” When he saw the joint nation effort point their weaponry at the alliance member he opined for, Waluigi decided to strike. His rushing to the ferry’s arms storage scared Christie. “What the hell are you doing?! Do you know how stupid you’d be if you were to die so close to the end?”
 He had ignored her inquiry and with smart bomb in hand, had risen to an apex of the ferry. He set his sights on where he felt the most damage could be done. After figuring out the smart bomb detonation code, he aimed it the aircraft and landed a direct hit. The explosion took care of all but a meager fleet that had been stowed away inside the plane. Despite Waluigi’s success, the meager fleet had made it aboard the ferry.
 “We’re not going away at the drop of a hat.” their leader said.
 “You’ll die by our hands sooner than you think.” Christie began. “You all do.”
 The alliances, hordes and factions had the quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus, Maryam and Calliope step aside. “We’ll handle them for you.” they said. The alliance leader Waluigi opined for gazed at him at said, “You needn’t worry. No stupid plot point of my death will emerge.” He had no choice but to stand idly by as the army had dealt with the meager fleet.
 The very last battle would consume 1 hour and 50 minutes. At the 38 minute mark, the alliances had taken out a fraction of the fleet using only their bare hands. Their hands had turned sanguine from having beaten aforementioned fleet members to a pulp. At the 1 hour and 15 minute mark, the hordes had beheaded another fraction of the fleet. Swings of their cleavers and such to cause surgically precise beheadings had turned their weapons from steel to bloodied and jugular ridden shades of crimson.
 Finally at the 1 hour and 50 minute mark, the factions had slain the remaining fleet members. They had left their leader for last but saved the most brutal death they could inflict on a person for him. They had performed a “Siberian Nursery Rhyme”; this move had each member of the faction grab the fleet leader’s body to fashion a jump rope. Then, they would intentionally “miss the rope”, causing them to slowly but effectively crush him. “Oh blimey; I think it’s your turn with the jump rope.” one faction member would say to the other. After the 17th failed rendition of “Harbor Street”, a faction leader decided to end play time with their toy.
 “Oh thank God.” Meaghan stated.
 “Boo.” Christie began. “You never even got to the part where it went, ‘boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider; girls go to college to get more knowledge’. Fucking wimps.”
 “I’m amazed at how prioritized you are.” Meaghan snided.
 “Well I can see your sunny disposition that didn’t get you any.” Christie retorted.
 “After all of this, I’m getting my tubes tied tomorrow.” she quipped.
 After encouraging the army to loot what they could from their “toy” and dumping the body in the ocean, Waluigi eyed his alliance leader. He ran to him and made a move; lip locking with every passionate fiber of his body. The alliance leader though flattered revealed, “My sights are kind of set on Meaghan.” Christie had shot him in the back of the head. Meaghan was floored, “Why’d you shoot him, Christie?” She replied, “Waluigi nearly died a pointless death for him and he’s stupid enough to get erect for you?! Stupid people like that must die.” Meaghan than realized, “I knew I was supposed to tell Waluigi something as he was blowing up the aircraft.” Another alliance leader approached Waluigi and told him, “I tried with him too, to no avail.” He was content with the affection being reciprocated. Christie looted the fallen alliance leader and disposed of his body.
 Eventually, the ferry’s course would land them back in Costa Amethyst. Calliope was sent to scout the grounds undercover as a tourist to find out if authority figures were after them. After scouting long enough she returned to them and said, “No one seeks our heads.” The army was elated. “We really ended the reign of the great evil.” Lorenzo stated. Johnny looked at his hero and offered, “Let’s see if our alley way is intact.” “No alley way sex.” Calliope started. “I managed to acquiesce permanent residence in their Hilton hotel.” Ramdao pressed information from her. “How exactly was there no one out for our heads again?”
 “I slept with the head official of this city.”
 “Well, at least you have a level of respect for yourself.”
 “I had to get kinky with the bastard to make sure he wouldn’t testify.”
 “He’ll never roam this Earth with that thought in his head anymore.”
 “When he tried to discharge on me, I had to kill him.”
Christie said, “Well enough of that wholesome matter and let’s go to our new home.”
 The quad, Ramdao, Waluigi (and his lover), Satchee, Tarsus, Maryam and Calliope had settled into what would become their newest abode. Christie would grow out of her desire to burn the city down to the ground. “Without the thoughts of authority figures wanting me dead, this place seems the perfect place to spend my final days.” she thought.
 Costa Amethyst would indeed end up where Christie along with the others would spend a good chunk of their final days. However, the alliances, hordes and factions would leave the compound as they wanted honorable ways to die by conquest. The grand leader of them all declared, “We know this is a bit of a surprise for you all, but we’ve come together and decided that we’re becoming soldiers and commanders for the Costa Amethyst Royal Military.” Lorenzo replied, “You fought alongside us for long enough. Just grant us immunity from shit they’d have planned for us and we won’t respond.” The army was happy to swear up and down they’d comply.
 Ramdao had eventually succumbed to natural causes. He was buried in the city’s cemetery, leaving behind Satchee to carry on his mix of Santeria and Presbyterianism. “He was good to me and that’s all that mattered.” she muttered. Tarsus and Maryam spent the remainder of their days at the compound, as everyone else had decided to move to the ferry. “Finally, those nutcases are gone.” she nudged to him. “I never thought we’d leave them without our blood on the ground.” he replied. “Well I did snag a little something from Christie.” she mentioned. She pulled out a bag of cheddar Goldfish to where he replied, “Let our last moments on Earth be sweet, my dear.” He kissed her long enough for them not to notice the sudden explosion of the compound by a detonated smart bomb.
 “Like those obnoxious assholes with Butterfinger, nobody lays a hand on my cheddar Goldfish goddamnit!” Christie exclaimed. “Well there’s that happy ending.” Waluigi snided.
 As they boarded the ferry, they pondered where their course should take them. “Let’s head back to Kahlo.” Christie suggested. “Any one of us could be the head official with a little force behind us.” “Interesting, but I was thinking more of heading back to Yawey. Word is that it’s completely filled with new people who had never even heard of our actions.” Lorenzo said. Meaghan wasn’t fooled by his suggestion. “You know two more things than I ever gave you credit for. One, you know goddamn well you want to try and make peace with Sawyer even though Ramdao had confirmed he was in purgatory. Two, that place sucks worse than Cape Elysees and Sawyer burned it down in a fit of psychosis.”
 Eventually, the bickering subsided and they settled for setting course to Kahlo. Once they had docked, the villagers had trepidations about their return. At first they were proven correct when Christie had assassinated the town’s head official. However, that would be the only blemish as they had aligned the village under protection from the Costa Amethyst Royal Military. “Our little way of saying ‘don’t revolt against us’ You’re welcome.” Johnny quipped.
 Settling in, the reunited efforts of the quad and their army proved effective when protecting Kahlo from invasion efforts by neighboring cities and countries. Nearly twenty invasions were fended off by the quad and their army; twelve of them being from Sao Bangkok. After that city’s last attempted invasion, Waluigi prompted the airmen of the Costa Amethyst Royal Military to enact “Murphy’s Military Law #6” over them. The screams of their fallen and failed invaders would prove cathartic and sickly comical.
“I love it when that game is quoted ever so much.” Lorenzo said.
 Years later, the rest of the quad and others had succumbed to their inevitable deaths. Satchee had passed while in her sleep. While awaiting her fate in purgatory, she had run into Sawyer. “Well, do they process everyone out of here this late?” she asked. “No, this is where I ended up.” he began. “Not enough sins for hell, but the whole killing people on Earth thing is apparently frowned upon unless you do it in God’s name.” “Ah, I see.” she replied.
 Sawyer explained that whilst in purgatory he was able to watch over every event that transpired since his death in the Hilton Yawey. He then escorted her to the purgatory station where Ramdao was waiting. “You look as radiant like the day I first fucked you with the lights on.” he cheekily initiated. “I see your romantic side is intact.” she quipped. They were soon joined by Waluigi and his lover as they had passed in their sleep. “So, is this where we determine if we’re in the luxury suites or in economy class?” Waluigi queried. “Head to the front desk and the nice man will assist you both.” Sawyer replied.
 Lorenzo, Johnny, Calliope and Meaghan had then emerged in purgatory; floored by Sawyer’s presence. “It’s been quite some time, Sawyer.” Lorenzo started. Meaghan decided to leave them be and find out her fate. “No matter what, you all meant something to me.” she said as her parting words. “Don’t bother with that plan.” Calliope stated. She had found out from Waluigi and his lover that all but one member of the quad would remain in purgatory for the reasons Sawyer had expressed earlier. “Even Big Fucker made it here.” she relayed. “He can’t be reached because he’s purgatory’s number one kid show personality.” “Are you sure that doesn’t qualify as hell?” Johnny quipped. “Even children in purgatory need entertainment.” Calliope replied.
 As expected, Christie’s last act on Earth would be a sure fire entrance into hell; she had engaged in a murderous rampage against the villagers of Kahlo for unspecified reasons.
“They should’ve known stealing her cheddar Goldfish would equal death.” Lorenzo noted. “Speaking of death by ignorance of stealing cheddar Goldfish, where’s Tarsus and Maryam?” Meaghan replied, “They help out with Big Fucker’s kid show.” “Bonus fact, it’s produced by all members of the crew and spawn.” Johnny added. “Everyone but Catya and Blyvy, right?” Lorenzo queried. “No, Blyvy’s dojo was enough to avoid hell. Her actions on Earth before were still too much for heaven.” Johnny replied.
 In hell, Christie met her grandmother. “So, you murdered the people that feared me?” Catya asked. “Bitches stole my cheddar Goldfish and everyone had to pay!” Christie replied. “I like your logic.” Catya replied. They hijacked the latest vessel traveling along the river Styx. Catya sliced the operator’s head off and Christie force fed the co-navigator his spine. “Who wants bony num nums? Who wants bony num nums?” she taunted. “Wow, you’re good at that. Teach your grandmother how to do that so I can get the hang of it for myself.” Catya replied.
 Passengers aboard the vessel were ironically outraged. One even said, “Excuse me, we may be in hell for sins of murder, infidelity and wearing Capri length pants but that was rather foul.” “Shut the fuck up! Your speech patterns irritate me.” Catya said. “Psst; watch this.” Christie began. “Look, a bullet!” and shot the passenger between the eyes. “They never think to duck, even in hell.” Catya noted.
 “I have to get off the ship!” another passenger cried.
 “Freedom of the seas, bitch. Sit your ass down!” Christie exclaimed.