Friday, January 12, 2018

Unintentionally RATESist: Till Death Do Us Party vs. PG-13 vs. Anus

Happy 2018 from the blog; what better way to celebrate than to announce the much delayed 3rd installment of Unintentionally RATESist. This time, RPDR alumnae Adore Delano, Sharon Needles and Alaska Thunderfuck will duke it out with their debut albums. BUT WAIT, did I neglect to remind you for about the umpteenth time that this is Round 1 of a three round match? some point later [think 5th or 6th post for this series], their second albums will duke it out; and then RuPaul herself will take Alaska's place for Round 3.

Exciting shit, I know; that aside, let's get to what is up for the crown in Round 1:

Till Death Do Us Party
- Speak My Sex
- Party
- I Adore U
- Calling All Goddesses
- Jump the Gun
- Give Me Tonight
- I Look Fuckin' Cool (ft. Alaska Thunderfuck)
- Hello, I Love You
- The Creeps
- My Address is Hollywood

- This Club is a Haunted House (ft. RuPaul)
- Call Me on the Ouija Board
- Dead Girls Never Say No
- Drink Till I Die
- I Wish I Were Amanda Lepore (ft. Amanda Lepore)
- Why Do You Think You Are Nuts?
- Disco Ball
- Dressed to Kill
- Let's All Die
- Kai Kai (ft. Ana Matronic & Alaska Thunderfuck)
- Everyday Is Halloween (ft. Armen Ra)
- Hail Satan! (ft. Jayne County)

- Hieeee
- Anus
- Pussy
- Beard
- This Is My Hair
- Nails
- Gimme All Your Money (ft. Laganja Estranja MAWMA OKCURR...excuse me...O'QUAAAAAAAANCH)
- Everything Tonight
- Best Night Ever
- The Shade of It All (ft. Courtney Act and Willam)
- Legendary
- Killer
- Your Makeup Is Terrible

Keep your eyes out for [very roughly by] the end of the month to find out the results of Round 1.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

New Year, Who Knows

I'm closing off 2017 like anybody else that thinks they're important enough to say "this is how I'm ending 2017" (but thankfully having enough active brain cells to not pander to the "new year, new me" bullshit); I don't know what's coming but something has to be done.

In terms of the blog, I'm keeping Unintentionally RATESist going. I have the drafts for the other rates queued up so it's not like I have to up and delete those. I will say this much: I got lazy/tuckered out when it came to trying to determine what rate I'm doing 3rd. The idea comes down to what I really want to do with the RuGirls rates [which for reference is Adore Delano vs. Sharon Needles vs. Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 Bonina Banana Fofana Oksana Baiul Rigga Morris Andre Charles Brown for the first two installments before RuPaul gets in the ring for Round 3.]

It's either do all 3 towards the latter half of the series or do one for the 3rd, 6th and 9th ever installments of the series. I'll decide on something which has to happen as the 3rd ever installment has to happen.
Before that, I'd like to announce that a 10th installment has been commissioned pitting R&B divadom in new blood debuts; i.e. the debuts of R&B divas in their own right. Which ones am I talking about?

- Rebellious Soul [K. Michelle] vs. Love and War [Tamar Braxton] vs. Girl Disrupted [Sevyn Streeter]

Sure, I'm not technically reviewing the actual debut of Tamar Braxton, but let's be real; no one would want to do such a thing.

If the 3rd installment doesn't end up being Til Death Do Us Party vs. PG-13 vs. Anus, I'll probably do the 2 on 1 matchup of Danity Kane vs. Doll Domination vs. Welcome to the Dollhouse.

Apart from that, my life will revolve around Steve Grand stanning, social media beefcake validation and other forms of lollygagging. Happy New Year, y'all.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Undiscovered vs. Willa Was Here vs. Paris REVEAL DAY 3

After brutal chops and a surprising amount of Brooke Hogan songs left, it's now it's on to the final day...Day 3 of the Undiscovered vs. Willa Was Here vs. Paris rate reveal.

Here's the Top 10 competing for a place on the podium and ultimately the winner of the Unintentionally RATESist, The THOT That Counts 2: Revenge of the Sequeloo.

Undiscovered: About Us, All About Me, Letting Go & Crazy Love

Willa Was Here: I Wanna Be Bad, Did Ya’ Understand That & Ooh Ooh

Paris: Fightin’ Over Me, I Want You & Nothing In This World.

Great...well mostly great candidates as the remaining 10 songs score no lower than an 8, so the first to get punched out in the Top 10 is...

10. Brooke Hogan - Letting Go: 8 she might be getting a damn near fatality laden treatment but at least this schlock of "urban"/pop is one of the better or more fitting production choices for Brooke's limited but committed vocals. FUN FACT: most of the standout tracks of "urban"/pop of this era were either playing one of these two extremes; sex or breaking up. This is a great example of a breakup track working so well in this sect of pop music.

I'm sorry, did I say getting punched out first? I meant to say getting punched out two more times in one go...

9. Brooke Hogan - About Us: 9 the only charting Brooke Hogan single can't make the Top 5...ouch. As I've said before, Undiscovered is a product of its time for better and especially worse. On this song, Brooke herself plays less a Britney Spears knockoff and more of an Ashanti wannabe considering she's the hook girl on her own song. All of this was culturally kosher at the time considering she was the product of the "white girl goes urban" trend of 2004-2007. The song itself kind of sucks but is enveloped in a catch 22 of nostalgia; in this case it's both a welcome trip for the pink Motorola RAZR sporting teens of the mid 00s and also a "what was I thinking? Oh yeah, this song is cute."

For her 3rd chincheck in a row, she at least kicks off the 10s...

8. Brooke Hogan - Crazy Love: 10 the Japanese edition bonus track is better than 14(!) of the song on UndiscoveredProduction wise, this is the best track. Singing wise, this is Jessica Simpson but without the wasted potential Jessica had.
Oddly enough this is one of the strongest tracks on the album but considering the parent album I would NOT want to be the father.

She's off the hook until later in the results, but who gets the chinchecks in her place?

7. Paris Hilton - I Want You: 10 losing one of its last 3 songs first, Paris loses one of the few gems on this album. It samples "Grease" by Frankie Valli. Initially this scared me as I didn't know how a Storch executive produced joint would incorporate this. The result is actually quite nice even with Paris' limited at best delivery. Her vocals are fluffy and nondescript enough to be something close to signature.
*Think like an infamous Daria line: "Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth."*

6. Paris Hilton - Fightin' Over Me: 10 and the 2nd hit in a row lands to the best of the non-single dreck on ParisNothing screams "urban" pop in the mid 00s like rap features for a pop girl's debut effort. The only difference between Paris and Brooke Hogan is that Paris has money/Warner Bros on her side to get big names like Fat Joe & Jadakiss on her song.
Paris is relegated to the Ashanti role of hook girl on her own song, to our benefits mostly.

Say hello to the Top 5: All About Me, Nothing In This World, Ooh Ooh, I Wanna Be Bad and Did Ya' Understand That

with a 3:1:1 ratio, could Willa Was Here pull a podium sweep?

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Undiscovered vs. Willa Was Here vs. Paris REVEAL DAY 2

Unintentionally RATESist would like to welcome you to Day 2 of the Undiscovered vs. Willa Was Here vs. Paris rate reveal! Previously, Brooke Hogan took a 10 piece combo and got the worst of it on Day 1. Paris Hilton took 5 hits to the chin and Willa Ford pretty much emerged unscathed from the absolute bloodbath on Day 1.

Let's see how the rate reveal unfolds out as #20-11 [the remaining 5s and scores no higher than 7] are chopped leaving only the 10 best to compete for the podium.

The first song to get the ax? 2006 called and it wants its hot social site back.

20. Brooke Hogan - My Space: 5 hit #11 for Undiscovered comes as this middling tripe is shown the door. Nothing says a dated 2006 album like a song title that inadvertently references MySpace [even if the song has not a damn thing to do with the former Facebook of its time]. Her cooing vocals aren't bad but this is essentially a rack of clothes at A'gaci of a song.

Now onto a bit of a cull of the wild as one album takes 3 hits to the chin in one go...

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Undiscovered vs. Willa Was Here vs. Paris REVEAL DAY 1

Welcome to the 2nd ever rate reveal for Unintentionally RATESist where we find out how Undiscovered, Willa Was Here and Paris measure up against one another.

Today, we take out the trash and subpar material alike and chop #39 to #21. After the DEAD LAST LOSER, there are two scores of 0 before we move into the 1-4 material and even two scores of 5 to face the ax. As with last time, singles outrank album tracks unless the tracks are better or the single blows.

*NOTE: Because these albums were previously discussed upon, my comments from that will be appearing. Hey, most of these albums are recycled so I can recycle too.*

As to what constitutes the last place song this time? Nothing says begging for last place than trying to split the difference with a coming of age song and a "look at my hot body" song.


39. Brooke Hogan - Beautiful Transformation: 0 the first artist to take a hit is Brooke Hogan and no song is more deserving of last place status than this fucking dumpster fire. This is like a mansplained version of Britney's "I'm Not A Girl...Not Yet a Woman" down to the creepy shit someone had Brooke sing for the first 0:49 seconds.
*Or is it a predator written version of "I'm a Slave 4 U"...I can't tell when it comes to rewrites of a Britney song but without the sharp lyrical nuance or the ability to not sound like the creepiest shit this side of Lolita.*

Now onto the trash that while still bad isn't as atrocious as the last entry.

38. Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind: 0 Paris takes its first hit of the rate with its worst song now having been chopped 2nd to last. Her only hit song as it peaked at #18 on the Hot 100. See what fame from a sex tape and reality TV show fame can bring? The beat is more bubblegum than the typical Storch tinkering, but Paris' vocals are all hers (That's not a compliment this time.)
She's a competent vocalist in the most generous sense of the word. Lyrical pyrite [meaning the lyrics suck at large] and slight ambition gone awry on the bridge reminds us that if Paris' music career was meant to last on a scale where people were supposed to care, she needed a lot of work. Specifically, having more than one style of delivery of the songs. Her style is best described as "Laissez-faire, nonchalant rich girl." Like what Selena Gomez does now except for all the serious money to Paris' name.

37. Brooke Hogan - Low Rider Jeans: 0 getting the last 0 wedgie is the other bit of dumpster fire from Undiscovered. Be warned; what this song does to a sample of "Lowrider" by War is considered a hate crime to LULAC. In 3 seconds, this song manages to sour the mood when apparently, a nickname for the fashion staple of the early to mid 00s, low rider jeans is "dun-dun-dun-duns".

"Hey guys, have you seen my dun-dun-dun-duns?"
- Brooke Hogan, souring the mood on her album

Just when you thought that was the worst part...then the song starts. Not even a minute in, I had had enough of this shoddily thrown together album and its bad sample work. "Low Rider Jeans hug a little tighter" is not the most disturbing thing said on this album but it's certainly the least palatable.

Now with the 0s out of the way, time for the 1-4 parade of trash to subpar material. YAY...first to get hit in this category...

36. Brooke Hogan - Heaven Baby (ft. Beenie Man): 1 this will not end well for Brooke today. Another product of its time but this time with the added bonus of disturbing lyrics. "I could wear you on my sleeve/Even when you're makin' me bleed". *record scratch* what the fuck? Without considering the fact this sounds like an omen for "(Flex) All In My Head" by Fifth Harmony, this is bad.

35. Brooke Hogan - Dance Alone (ft. Nox): 2 another song from Undiscovered to get its kneecaps busted, it's a song that had me beg this question; Oh dear GOD who allowed someone to use a Street Fighter midi file on this song? [Like this is when you fight DeeJay in Hyper Street Fighter II] Wait, this is like "Una Noche" by 98 Degrees but a tackier rewrite of it. Brooke again is relegated to the Ashanti role of hook girl on her own song.

34. Brooke Hogan - My Number (ft. $tacks): 2 yikes, Brooke's album is getting its ass kicked but considering what's been chopped, it's what the album deserves. Hogan's vocals aren't the worst thing ever, but this production and pop act matchup was really bad. Not that I was expecting lyrical depth on this album but who the fuck would ever sing "I'm gonna write my information on this napkin" to a diluted urban/pop beat?

33. Paris Hilton - Not Leaving Without You: 2 and Paris' album takes its 2nd hit with this trash getting the ax. Paris' monotonous vocal emissions even surrounded with great pop production, are really annoying. The party girl persona wore thin about 7 tracks ago.

32. Paris Hilton - Heartbeat: 3 the 3rd hit delivered to Paris' album and all I can remember saying is I swear I heard this crappy 80s pop beat before.

31. Brooke Hogan - One Sided Love: 3 taking a 6th direct hit is Undiscovered. "One Sided Love"? More like "Lop Sided Album", but cute guess. Quick math lesson, kids: Danity Kane demo + that sheen of a white girl MySpace page = this song.

Breaking in the Top 30 is...

Friday, December 1, 2017

Unintentionally RATESist: Undiscovered vs. Willa Was Here vs. Paris

A series using my rejected ideas for popheads album rates [and rates I've never submitted alike], scoring them and revealing my results in the style of 3 day rate reveals.

After the absolute THOTpocalypse from the last rate, let's keep the HOmentum going with a rate of three of the four albums from the previous series The THOT That Counts, Brooke Hogan's Undiscovered, Willa Ford's Willa Was Here and Paris Hilton's Paris. The tracklists were mentioned and the commentary is there as well so all I need to do is score the albums. *remembers Brooke's album is technically 16 fucking tracks long* shit.

39 tracks total are being rated with Paris being the only release without a bonus track, Willa Was Here having an Australian bonus track and Undiscovered having both an iTunes bonus track and Japanese bonus track on top of 14 other fucking tracks to reckon with.

Here's what's being rated:

About Us
Heaven Baby (ft. Beenie Man)
Next Time
For a Moment
My Space
All About Me
My Number (ft. Stack$)
Beautiful Transformation
One Sided Love
Letting Go
Dance Alone (ft. Nox)
Love You, Hate You
Low Rider Jeans
Crazy Love

Willa Was Here
I Wanna Be Bad
Did Ya' Understand That
Ooh Ooh
Joke's On You
Don't You Wish
Prince Charming
Somebody Take the Pain Away
Haunted Heart
All the Right Moves

Turn It Up
Fightin' Over Me
Stars Are Blind
I Want You
Nothing In This World
Not Leaving Without You
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy

See what prospers, see what gets the ax, etc. when the rate reveal posts go up.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Tasty vs. PCD vs. Dangerously in Love REVEAL DAY 3

After finishing the hack job that Dangerously in Love started and even broke some kneecaps on the other two albums, Unintentionally RATESist welcomes you to Day 3/the Finale of the Tasty vs. PCD vs. poor little tink tink.

To refill your cups of Earl Grey, here's the Top 10 vying for not only a place on the podium [Top 3] but also the title of WINNER of the rate:

Tasty: Trick Me, Keep It Down, Flashback, Protect My Heart, Stick Up & Glow

PCD: Beep, Stickwitu, Buttons & Wait a Minute

Now the time has come for a bit of a cull of the wild...

10. Kelis - Glow (feat. Raphael Saadiq): 10 Kelis can handle very mature R&B/crossover pop and Saadiq’s production here works very well on the album.

9. Kelis - Stick Up: 10 easily the best non-single cut on the album. Contemporary for the time of release but also very stark and almost lo-fi for something with the “urban pop” label to it. Kelis usually sounds great on tracks where she can exude power in some type of “I got you”/allegiance manner.

8. Kelis - Protect My Heart: 10 the production is pert near immaculate and Kelis’ delivery can make an admittedly tacky sounding chorus sound so heartfelt.

7. Pussycat Dolls - Wait A Minute: 10 when Timbaland ruled the world of production, this was one of his crowning achievements. Years later, it holds up very well while also recalling the magical time of the mid-00s.

6. Pussycat Dolls - Buttons: 10 the solo…the PCD only edit I mean…or the version you’re expecting with Snoop Dogg, this song kicks so much ass and if you don’t have a stripper routine to this, you’re not human.

Breaking the Top 5 is...
5. Kelis - Keep It Down: 10 easily one of the most unique songs to a pop diva’s name. Guitar and a touch of rock is one of Kelis’ greatest assets as very few black women in major label pop explores rock elements at all despite Tina Turner being the face of Rock and Roll.

Oh look a 2 on 2 match. See what happens when I rate good albums? Now onto to the part that should hurt...

Narrowly missing the podium is...
4. Pussycat Dolls - Beep: 10 one of the few things has done right and in all honesty is the best pop song to The Pussycat Dolls’ name. The beep itself is used really well and is oh so cheeky in the best way.

Say hi to the podium, Stickwitu, Trick Me and Flashback...

Now on to the top results...