Wednesday, June 29, 2016

The Defense WON'T Rest: Gisele Bundchen "Singing"

This is a new series in which I will examine critically or fan derided (maybe even generally neglected) works of pop acts and defend them because that many people CAN be wrong.

Round 3 of this series goes to the 2 times supermodel Gisele Bundchen attempted anything CLOSE to a singing career. The 2 attempts were both covers of very well known songs, "All Day and All of the Night" by The Kinks & "Heart of Glass" by Blondie. Producer & DJ Bob Sinclar teamed up and while her cover of The Kinks had a lot of kinks in it, "Heart of Glass" was a touch more successful.

There are two main reasons that despite not having any remote vocal talent even WITH presumably every technological trick Sinclar pulled both times, that Bundchen should not have been raked through the coals for these 2 stunts.

1. THESE WERE GODDAMN CHARITY SINGLES H&M PEDDLED OUT FOR UNICEF. As in, proceeds for both covers went right to UNICEF and stuff like feeding hungry children, providing vaccines to sick children, etc.
In other words, she wasn't and still isn't delusional enough to actually think a career in music is a wise endeavor.

2. She knew when to quit and made do with what she knew! Well, at least with what H&M knew; if the music is poorly received, turn it into an ad for the company and both times that's what happened.









Hell, the first time I came across the "Heart of Glass" cover I thought it was nothing BUT a weird H&M ad and I was half right [the other half is that it's the weirdest stunt for UNICEF but that's neither here nor there.]

Neither of these "covers" made a significant dent in any U.S. chart because even WE saw right through the fact this wasn't a serious attempt at a music career. The fact Bundchen got unfairly raked through the coals for doing something in the name of charity is unforgivable.
That and dare I say, her rendition of "Heart of Glass" is enjoyable like most of Calvin Harris' attempts at singing. There's gorgeous production work and vocals so deadpan it can pass for the "futura" vibes good EDM/Dance music emits. Bob Sinclar clearly knew what the hell he was doing background wise, even if he bit a bullet trying to make Gisele's voice "passable".

Still, that many people ARE wrong to hate on the fact Gisele and H&M pulled a double duty of corporate philanthropy and release charity singles. Remember that "We Are the World" PR stunt for the Haiti Earthquake victims? No? Probably because that rendition for all of its "talent" was actually terrible or "on par" with Gisele's singing & she wasn't serious about music!
The defense won't rest about charity done right [even if it was done right "musically" once with the help of Bob Sinclar.]

Sunday, June 12, 2016

The Defense WON'T Rest: Girlicious & RichGirl

This is a new series in which I will examine critically or fan derided (maybe even generally neglected) works of pop acts and defend them because that many people CAN be wrong.

Round 2 of this installment centers around 2 failed girl groups with mid maybe late 2000s Pop/R&B/"Urban" musical sounds to them. One of these groups is Girlicious, the Robin Antin formed group that was poorly promoted outside of a CW vanity project. The other was RichGirl, formed by producer Rich Harrison who apart from producing material for Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez & Mary J. Blige to name a few, is the reason Amerie had a career that he screwed over in 2007.

I've written about Girlicious before and how Robin Antin's lack of anything remotely close to foresight or planning screwed Girlicious out of some position on the U.S. charts [in my opinion, Maleficent who is better known in this case as Nicole Scherzinger, probably had something to do with Geffen Records shipping the group off to Canada 'n such.]
However, the group was unfairly labeled a Pussycat Dolls knockoff when in fact it was more of an expansion of the PCD brand [which again suffered because Antin and co. thought a girl group formed on U.S. Reality Television should be pimped to Canada...] There are 3 reasons as to why this group should've been given a better chance in the U.S.

- "Like Me": the lead/debut single/video/last time Girlicious would ever be shown to the U.S. market.




"Like Me" embodies all the good parts of Pop/R&B in the mid to late 00s. Bulletproof confidence, Jazze Pha both with a feature and Nichole, Chrystina and Tiffanie singing their asses off on a pop record [with Natalie doing the talk-singing thing AKA the "Parking the Car" of vocals.]
Granted, a sign this group was doomed was that the CW finale version that aired in the States and the version used here and on their self-titled debut is NIGHT AND DAY in sound [with the video being RADICALLY a different edit from TV to VEVO.] However, malleable voices on a reality show to real life had gone better because of promo with effort [see the 2 successful songs of Danity Kane.]

- "Baby Doll": a follow-up single that although not as successful in Canada, still showed they were sort of ahead of their time video wise.




Anybody catch the Beats by Dre headphones before it was probably mandated for all Universal/Interscope artists to show them off along with all other Beats by Dre products? Aside from that, all 4 members of the group are actually integral to the song [FWIW, I don't hate Natalie's singing. I hated her singing for the most part on the CW show because it was...bad...luck I suppose because her voice is somewhat decent.]

- "Maniac": the only single from Rebuilt worth looking up at all.




This does count as reason to appreciate the group even if their new label at the time, Universal Music Canada, booted Tiffanie for a more obvious "pop" sound. Still, this track has something of a timeless sound for pop music which is hard to get right. Natalie's singing sounded way better than it had before, Nichole was slightly edgier but still had the initial appeal and Chrystina was once again the MVP of the video and song with that "PARANOID" money note.
After Girlicious, Tiffanie became an artist and has pretty much said "fuck this noise" to music; Natalie formed a group with her sisters; Nichole was left alone, renamed Girlicious into Girls United & got screwed out of a place in the live shows of The X Factor S3 [thanks to both Alex & Sierra and her useless GU members.] and Chrystina is pretty much the successful one from the group with a new music video and a soon to be released EP called Leo.

IN SHORT, Girlicious wasn't going to give TLC, Destiny's Child or even Nicole & The Got Screwed-Overs a run for their money but had Antin tried a little harder, Danity Kane could've been given an even run for their money.


With RichGirl, they had slightly better connections but the worst of luck as most of the singles to their name were leaks not worth a 1st or 2nd listen to. However, there are 2 reasons that had Harrison or the label RCA/Jive tried a little harder and not let 400 songs leak, RichGirl might've become...able to enter the charts at higher positions.

"He Ain't With Me Now (Tho)": the first song to their name that hadn't leaked.




FUN FACT: for the hot minute this song caught on, everyone that viewed it thought each member looked like a certain celebrity; Lyndriette looked like Beyonce, Se7en looked like Kelly Rowland, Brave looked like Leona Lewis and Audra looked like Nicole Scherzinger.
Aside from look-a-like fuckery, the group was actually made of 3 prominent vocalists and Brave doing her best with an ancillary verse and ad-libs [to the Brave fans that somehow find this, gurl get out of that house of mirrors and listen up; Se7en got another verse RIGHT AFTER YOUR PART. You weren't meant to last, sweetie.]

"Swagger Right": a song that although catchy cemented the doomed fate of this group when both Fabolous and Rick Ross kind of wax all but Se7en on this song.




It was pretty much pre-ordained after the 400th leaked song and this video debuting that Se7en would be the solo star and all others wouldn't prosper like her. Still, Audra is actually given more to do singing wise, Lyndriette holds her own, Brave accepted her 4th place role in the group and Se7en as mentioned before would kick the other 3 down a flight of stairs on this song.

After RichGirl, Se7en got some sense and changed her name to Sevyn Streeter and is now a protoge of Chris Brown; Brave would get something of a chance to be relevant on R&B Divas: LA [but would be outshined by Chrisette Michele being sick of Stacey Francis' shit] and Lyndriette changed her name to Kristal and is now part of the budding girl group Kelly Rowland formed from the BET show Chasing Destiny which is now signed to Epic Records.
(As to what happened to Audra? Well...I think she's happy that she got to close out "Swagger Right"...hell I don't know. Let's say she's now the May going on June Redbox Employee of the Month.)

As with Girlicious, RichGirl was a group that needed to be given a better chance. Nobody would've expected them to shatter a Destiny's Child record or have the fan devotion of TLC, but that neither group was given a chance is really disappointing. All members had something of versatile, malleable vocal skills that fit the script of the late 00s Pop/R&B/"Urban" market but had the classic case of bad luck; shitty representation that amounted to wasted potential.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

The Defense WON'T Rest: Liz Phair's 2003 Album

This is a new series in which I will examine critically or fan derided works of pop acts and defend them because that many people CAN be wrong.

Round 1 of attacking the public and critics for being stupid involves the 2003 self-titled effort released by Liz Phair under Capitol Records. Yes, at one point the "~alt queen~" of the 90s was signed to a major label.
The "appeal" of Liz Phair in the 90s revolves around the alleged greatness that is her debut; Exile in Guyville. The debut was her pretty much doing what dudes in music did, which in this context meant talking about sex with little regard for feelings. The sound of the album was considered "Lo-Fi" which before it became an Instagram filter, described an album sounding "raw" [or not manufactured/processed/"fake".]

Two albums that didn't do shit commercially either later, Whip-Smart and whitechocolatespaceegg, Phair somehow ended up on Capitol Records and was pretty much doing the same thing. That is until word is, Capitol didn't think the record had a hit song. This is the first stop where critics can get the hell off; Capitol is a MAJOR. LABEL. They are used to pimping out artists of questionable quality as long as their songs get some kind of radio play or become moderate successes at the least.
After shelling out more money and introducing to Avril Lavigne enablers/producers, The Matrix, Phair's self-titled album was finally "fit" for release. SPOILER: 1 song was successful and that along with the other song will be used to defend this effort in general.

Want to know how much critics can love an album with tracks titled "Fuck and Run", "Stratford-On-Guy" and "Never Said" [Exile] and hate an album with tracks like "Why Can't I?", "Extraordinary" and "H.W.C."? Look up the reviews for Liz Phair and outside of a 0.0 score from Pitchfork and a review that called this album, "Exile in Avril-ville", critics were fuming that Phair had actually not risked getting dropped by Capitol and made Liz Phair as it had been presented.
However, there are 2 songs and 4 reasons as to why this album should not have gotten the amount of hell it did.

Song 1: "Why Can't I?" - GOD FORBID bubblegum labeled pop/rock can actually pack Daria level sarcastic bite to it. Yes, this only successful song of Liz Phair actually packs a bit of sarcasm to it; [in fact, this song, song #2 here and "Extraordinary" all pack some level of sarcastic wit no other pop act really taps into.] Lyrically most of the song doesn't make sense but a lot of pop music doesn't make any sense outside of "oh I'm just singing this to make a living off of it." This bit of satire as a result went over people's heads as they cried themselves to sleep saying "SHE USED TO BE SO 'Lo-Fi' ZOMG I H8 HER!!!!11!!!1!"





Song 2: "H.W.C." - This track is on the explicit version of the album. Why? It stands for HOT WHITE CUM. That is also part of its sarcastic appeal or at least something critics should've picked up on. Maybe upon finding out that Phair somehow ended up on a major label AND that she was more or less strong-armed into working with a hot for 2003 production team, critics could've interpreted this as her saying "FUCK THIS NOISE" at the new process of making music.

Instead, this bit of satire went RIGHT over music critics' heads and claimed this was proof her "songwriting" had taken a serious nosedive in quality with this album. Keep in mind, critics love her debut album with a track called "Stratford-On-Guy" because apparently THAT'S sharp songwriting. Had critics commented on her songwriting not being deeper jabs at the pop machine, THAT is legitimate criticism of the album. However, most critics can't and won't shut the fuck up about EIG and their arguments are simply invalid.



Reason 1: There was a 4 year or so gap between whitechocolatespaceegg and Liz Phair and a lot had changed. For at least that 3rd album, Phair was married; 4th album? She was divorced and on a major label. SORRYBOUTIT, but change in sound was sort of expected if at a relatively low relevance watch.

Reason 2: Exile in Guyville and its mythos of how fucking great it allegedly is. What's right isn't always popular, but what's popular isn't always right. When spliced in with commentators and being featured at #65 of VH1's 100 Greatest Women in Music, Phair herself pretty much says all EIG was based on was doing what the guys did.
Essentially, Phair found critical acclaim before "poptimism" was coined but it was to where it's still considered sacrilege to not claim EIG is one of the best goddamn fucking albums of all time due to it being a woman being detached from sex with a man and not the other way around. Yes "Never Said" is a cool song, but to continue grading Phair against a debut that defined "poptimism" but without pop appeal ruined any chance for future albums much less an evolution in art to be taken seriously.

Reason 3: Somebody's Miracle flat out sucked. Want to hate a Liz Phair major release from start to finish? Try her follow-up to Liz Phair and see how neutered Adult Contemporary trash is what you get for not knowing what sarcasm is.

Reason 4: Funstyle sucked but had the same sarcastic vibes [I'm hoping] as Liz Phair did but was so disjointed, THAT ruined her career. Yes, even before she had to release this on her website INDEPENDENTLY Phair revealed THESE were the songs that got her ass dropped from Capitol and buried her career in the ground.

The point of it is this; Liz Phair should've been raked for not going deeper against Capitol for insisting that Avril Lavigne enablers have any involvement in her music. Instead, critics who cannot let go of a debut album that sold shit in the 90s [and was allegedly the best thing since sliced bread] judged a book by its cover and missed out on 2 good songs from another uneven album by Liz Phair.