Friday, January 31, 2014

The Voice U.S. Season 6 Wishlist

As the February 24th premiere date of Season 6 approaches, I thought I'd take the time to relay some things that I'd like to see this season.

1. Songs by Lana Del Rey, Lady Gaga, Janelle Monae, Kelis, Azealia Banks and really any artist that isn't done in excess being performed on the show [Carrie Underwood, all Whitney Houston songs, etc.] Why? It's about time that these artists are represented just to make things seem different.

Likelihood: someone may be brave enough to do a Lady Gaga song. The others? Only if the artist in question knows who they are.

2. Female rappers trying to make a name for themselves. I've done this in a past post, but seriously. A female rapper needs to be featured on the show. The closest we've had? S5 reject Macey Estes who ended up performing a really shaky version of Ariana Grande's song "The Way".

Likelihood: minimal, but someone [who doesn't suck] needs to be seen.

3. The Knockouts having the same amount of steals as the Battle Rounds. The reason why? Juhi being beyond screwed in S5. Up the steal game, please.

Likelihood: nil; nice idea, but the show can only re-tool so much in between seasons.

4. Voice contestants not named Cassadee Pope on the show. 5 winners, and apparently only Cassadee is the successful one (A girl so plain, she can't even make waves in her hair.) I'm not saying invite back only the winners, but hmmm; some of the contestants who despite not winning made a name for themselves deserve to perform on the show. Like Cody Belew, Katrina Parker, Frenchie Davis, Melanie Martinez, Amanda Brown, Sasha Allen and really...anybody but just the winners, especially Cassadee.

Likelihood: wishful thinking at best. Don't be surprised if I bitch about contestants not worth their weight making an appearance on the Live shows.

This is just a vague idea of what I hope can happen this season...but with everything but the Live shows already set in stone; might as well say "Fuck it. This isn't American Idolatry*."

*or whatever that thing is called : P

Monday, January 13, 2014

The One Where I Shamelessly Recant Famous Things & My Involvement With Said Famous Things

Hey all [2-3 Twitter accounts] reading this. Your favorite Oxy-Cotton Bowl Halftime Performer [new phrase for smart-ass] here & I just wanted to take the time to plug all the famous shit I've encountered when not recapping The Voice.

If the thought of me being sort of sanctimonious sounding (Thorry to thoth with lithpth) offends thee...

Around the Thanksgiving break, I pretty much died in a good way [like Lady "ARTPOP is NOT a flop" Gaga sang on "Venus" {"When you touch me I die, just a little inside}] when I talked to Cody Belew of The Voice S3 on the On Air with Douglas show! My introduction tweet summed it up...I was more nervous than Madonna at a Lady Gaga concert. So after about 34 minutes or so, I finally get introduced to begin the segment. Cody's first words?

"DAVID! What are you doing with your life?"

I felt so honored. Not only did he remember which of his fans I was, he loved the reviews posted on the blog! He loved that I did not fangirl over them despite the A- grades on both of his efforts. At some point I actually asked the question "Did you feel like you were a victim to the editing?" after he revealed he felt Jennifer Hudson's comments about his persona outshining his voice were "...a low unnecessary blow..." After the segment, Douglas [the host; just in case the A.D.D. ilk got distracted by a squirrel] plugged my reviews and then the hosts and Cody were like "WOW; he was grillin'..." "He went deep!" [they made a dirty from it. : )]

If that wasn't enough, I've also been shouted out in a Top 10 "Hashtag Wars" by the Comedy Central show @midnight hosted by Nerd Sex on Special Shoes, Chris Hardwick. The hashtag was tweet "Rage Against the Soda Machine". The winner would be featured on the January 6th season premiere. Sadly I learned I did not win, but fuck it...I was #8 on the Midnight Tumblr Top 10 Charts [8th one listed, but fuck it I did great]. [the link for proof]

I also have met the wonderful and hilarious Ralphie May after his show in San Antonio.

I felt that pimpalicious afterwards.

In summation, help Cody Belew become a success [he's on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pushpage and his website is]; watch @midnight on Comedy Central Monday through Thursday at 12/11c [after the Colbert Report] and worship the plus size adult humor Christ figure known as Ralphie May.

*P.S.- There's other good stuff too, but let's just say I'm "SFW" on this post ; )*

Saturday, January 4, 2014

This List Is RANK: Top 10 Songs from the album Beyoncé

Happy 2014 [pronounced "two-thousand fourteen"] people. Alright, enough of that. Let's get to business.

December 13, 2013 is when iTunes and the world went apeshit. Mega-star of the U.S. Music Industry, Beyoncé released her "visual album" Beyoncé. Physical release of the album took place four days later on the 17th. 14 songs, 2 interludes and a DVD of music videos for all the songs [even the interludes] plus a bonus video of the Pepsi commercial "jingle" "Grown Woman"; bitch was not playing.

The reason for such apeshit reaction and eventual #1 sales on the Billboard charts was because, NO promotion or any word on this album was coming.

That aside, this list is what I consider the 10 best songs off of the album. First, a bit of a disclaimer...

"Ghost" and "Yoncé" are glorified interludes and are ineligible for the Top 10 songs list.

Now, here are my Top 10 songs from the effort. Let's play rough and get it on! *Oh, and all the MS Paint images are by me.*

10. This duet compared with the others they've done? Not so good. Although this is a song that's rather tumultuous sounding, the music video does nothing to relay the message. The instrumental is slinky and good, but this is not prime Mrs. Carter work.

9. While the album parlays sexual themes, this song is mainly relying on an admittedly kickass instrumental. Lyrics such as "Aww, he's so horny; yeah he want to fuck" [that is actually sung on the album] proves maybe this song should've been her and Jay Z's duet for the album. A verse from H to the izzo, V to the izzay on THIS instrumental would've serviced the song better.

8. A rather icy sound does showcase something of a tolerable restraint in vocals that's really pleasing. Although good, the song could use something of a kick to the ass. Maybe background vocals from adorably unhinged Aussie answer to Robyn, Sia, could've helped this song a great deal. Hey, subjective thought here.

7. This is something of a really high concept spiritual inspired ballad. This is something I wasn't expecting. Ocean's smooth albeit subdued vocals on this track are rather pleasing. Plus it proves Bey is versatile in execution.

6. This song felt a bit too short. Another 45 seconds, and it would be ranked a lot higher. Still, this song has really powerful vocals [even if it took a while for that to occur; a bit too much subdued vocals on the chorus for my taste.]

5. This song in its final product is the high concept cut of the album. Incorporating the actual audio of Ed McMahon introducing Bey and her Girls Tyme act on Star Search & their losing score is one thing. Using a section from a TED Talk on feminism delivered by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie as the entire second verse? That is some profound shit. Admittedly, I wished the "I woke up like this!" section was removed. (This ain't MrSwearword V.S. Everyone for nothing.)

4. The song dedicated to and briefly featuring her daughter Blue Ivy, is some of the strongest vocals she delivered on this effort. Although, the cooing should've been enough. Even then I can't be too mad at this track. With its clear cut execution and fabulous piano work, this song is very pleasing.

3. Although I would like to place this higher, I have to remember that the video had some moments that ruined it in a way. Here's what I mean; this is easily one of the horniest R&B songs of the last 10-15 years. The video had a Calvin Klein ad feel to it and was well directed...until images of someone pumping gas and a drill boring its way through a piece of wood were shown. Do not mix single and double entendres in the same medium. Still, this song is amazingly crafted.

2. Coquettish, tawdry, upbeat songs involving sugary things representing the female in a "biblical" sense is a long standing tradition in the U.S. Music scene ["Sugar Walls", "Milkshake", etc.] Bey's contribution is a disco themed tour de force. Kickass instrumental and some of her most alluring vocals are indeed here. However, once you actually listen to the song repeatedly, you'll realize this song is adorably nasty. Lyrics such as "Can you eat my Skittles/ it's the sweetest in the middle...Pink is the flavor/ solve the riddle" are one thing. The repeated utterings of "Turn that cherry out! Turn that cherry out!" make this song her version of "Play" by David Banner.

1. The song that defeats them all. A cut that parlays some of Bey's personal trauma from her young pageant days and early career. The video even though it introduced more dialogue than what the cut allotted, is well presented and has a reasonable denouement in the destroying of trophies and Bey graciously accepting defeat against another contestant in the beauty pageant.

Honorable 11th place: "No Angel"; even though it isn't her best, the video is a well constructed homage to her Houston roots.

Say it with me everyone; This List Is RANK : P