The THOT That Counts takes a look at stripper-pop musical efforts and wonders how they ended up the way the are through a standard review and analysis of the pop culture lens of their time of release.
If we're delving into stripper-pop, slut-pop or guilty pleasure driven bubblegum pop of the mid 00s, I'd be remiss to not mention the debut and sole effort of the original celebutante turned politically flippant but secretly stupid in politics, and one time pop singer Paris Hilton's Paris.
Paris Hilton in the early to mid 00s was more or less the Britney Spears or Madonna of simply being famous for being a blonde in Hollywood. The only difference is what Paris did before, during and after her moment in the 2003-2009s with her album being right in the midst of her pop culture stranglehold.
Some things to note for this installment is that Paris was signed to Warner Bros. Records at the time of release, had some of the biggest names of the mid 00s pop game on her debut and pretty much has the only album that plays like a standard debut pop record. The stink of Scott Storch is all over this album too as he's executive producer with another no name and Paris in vain.
The drill is as follows: standard review of the album and an analysis of the pop culture around the time of release to see why the album ended up the way it is [praise the lord, no bonus tracks of new material therefore a standard album indeed.]
1. "Turn It Up" - The 2nd single/1st and only promotional single released from the album and amazingly reached #1 on the Dance charts. It's no surprise why as the beat screams 2006 production for a surprisingly competent singer. Yes, as is typical by now, Paris Hilton is to not be mistaken for a singer. It's fine but horribly dated.
2. "Fightin' Over Me" (featuring Fat Joe & Jadakiss) - Nothing screams "urban" pop in the mid 00s like rap features for a pop girl's debut effort. The only difference between Paris and Brooke Hogan is that Paris has money/Warner Bros on her side to get big names like Fat Joe & Jadakiss on her song.
Paris is relegated to the Ashanti role of hook girl on her own song, to our benefits mostly.
3. "Stars Are Blind" - Her only hit song as it peaked at #18 on the Hot 100. See what fame from a sex tape and reality TV show fame can bring? The beat is more bubblegum than the typical Storch tinkering, but Paris' vocals are all hers (That's not a compliment this time.)
She's a competent vocalist in the most generous sense of the word. Lyrical pyrite [meaning the lyrics suck at large] and slight ambition gone awry on the bridge reminds us that if Paris' music career was meant to last on a scale where people were supposed to care, she needed a lot of work. Specifically, having more than one style of delivery of the songs. Her style is best described as "Laissez-faire, nonchalant rich girl." Like what Selena Gomez does now except for all the serious money to Paris' name.
4. "I Want You" - It samples "Grease" by Frankie Valli. Initially this scared me as I didn't know how a Storch executive produced joint would incorporate this. The result is actually quite nice even with Paris' limited at best delivery. Her vocals are fluffy and nondescript enough to be something close to signature.
*Think like an infamous Daria line: "Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth."*
5. "Jealousy" - A song that's pretty much a diss track aimed at her former best friend and The Simple Life cast mate turned fashion maven in her own right, Nicole Ritchie. Paris' spoken portion sounds as insincere as any "how could you track" produced in the mid 00s, but the song is mostly there.
6. "Heartbeat" - I swear I heard this crappy 80s pop beat before. The surprising thing about the album thus far is that it doesn't play as terribly as other entries thus far. As to how it falls under stripper-pop or any of the descriptors from the introduction, this is the rich girl or "classy" iteration of stripper-pop; meaning it's the type of rich girl known for partying in excess but having the nicest clothes to party in.
7. "Nothing in This World" - Paris' best song. Despite tanking on the charts, VH1 Top 20 Countdown played this damn near every week of its allotted run. Making the best of her limited as shit vocals, the song actually presents Paris as a serious pop singer with bubblegum pop working in her favor.
8. "Screwed" - The only thing of rote regarding this song is a short but messy feud between Hilton and failed act Haylie Duff. Duff had supposedly recorded this song first but Paris ended up with it and once it was on Paris, Duff was furious with her and it pretty much lived as a tidbit of "news" on VH1.
The song itself is fine but just as empty and beige as most of the blatant skank culture pop.
9. "Not Leaving Without You" - By this point in the album, Paris' monotonous vocal emissions even surrounded with great pop production, are really annoying. The party girl persona wore thin about 7 tracks ago but still, considering the rich bubblegum production, this is the most professional sounding album of this series.
10. "Turn You On" - Returning to the "urban" shtick if only by way of the thudding production and the blatant skank part of blatant skank culture being front and center. Paris should be given credit for being able to coo in certain keys. Granted, singing in differing keys would be better but I'll take what I can get from this free gift with purchase of a fragrance of an album.
11. "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" - A cover of the Rod Stewart "classic" from the 70s. I remember people deriding this as a disgrace to the original song to where even some tubid cover act was featured on MTV bringing up what makes a good cover and they used this song as a "what NOT to do". Were these people right?
Probably, but only when Paris coo-sings the chorus. Coquettish vocals are nothing new for beginner pop music, but the singer has to be able to hit the notes. Does Paris accidentally sound like Tira from Soul Calibur III and/or Harley Quinn in recent iterations when she's supposed to be "playful"? Yes, but that's not the worst thing she did on this album.
Now with the album out of the way, it's time to analyze the pop culture of the time to figure out why Paris ended up the way it is.
AfterTHOTS: 2006 saw the decline of Paris Hilton's celebrity status once the curtain was being pulled on blatant skank culture in the U.S. Merely 3 years ago, she was introduced via her downfall and The Simple Life. Her downfall was the sex tape with Rick Solomon [still more famous for being Shannen Doherty's ex] but not because a sex tape happened. Ironically, Paris was a casualty of overexposure.
The U.S. is often pigeonholed for being uppity or not accepting of sex and smut. Once you ignore social conservatives, you'll find that the public is fine with sex and smut but not crap; especially crap that overstays its welcome and hasn't taken the hint to fuck off already. In the case of Paris Hilton, her pop career had nothing to build off of. It should be no secret that "selling sex" is merely a concept to make money and works the best when the label and artist are in on it. Paris' sexual exploits were already well known of and that buzz only drove the success of The Simple Life and its subsequent seasons.
For Paris to have had a shot in pop career, a slight bit of foresight [or in this case, not being involved in a sex tape in the beginning of the internet/digital/24/7 media cycle age as we know it] could've given her pop career at least a sophomore effort that got shelved (Remember; Paris Hilton is a mostly bad vocalist without the ability to change her vocal delivery.)
It isn't to say a porn star hasn't tried a pop career; one hit wonder Andrea True of the Andrea True Connection ["More, More, More"] was pretty much known to have been a one time porn actress but the 70s worked in that if you knew this bit of salacious information, you chose to consume that form of media. And because celebrity culture in the 70s was not the vicious 24/7 cycle we know today, Andrea True was given a chance to have a pop career; it obviously didn't work but people remember the song "More, More, More" and not her porn career.
The key difference is that Paris Hilton was not now or ever a porn actress turned pop singer. She was a socialite who became famous after turning herself into a brand based off of a sex tape with someone relatively famous; and along the way got a TV show and at some point a record deal with Warner Bros. Yes, even Hilton fell under the pigeonhole of being a reality star whose album was graded on a generous curve and despite a #6 placing on the Billboard 200 and a Top 20 hit, it only sold 77,000 copies in its first week. This is back when physical units of music were still being bought so this is rightfully called a commercial flop.
Even musically, it was done before it was over for Paris' music career because her album came right at the saturation of "urban" pop music in 2006. Scott Storch, Fat Joe, Jadakiss all made appearances on it and despite the album not being that "urban", Hilton was still a part of the trend of "white girl goes urban" in a time where velour tracksuits, grills, microskirts, a bad girl attitude, Chinese Laundry heels and other bad mid 00s fashion trends reigned supreme.
This is proof that money cannot buy worthwhile longevity even if you have a mix of new money origins and Warner Bros Records money to boot.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Saturday, July 22, 2017
The THOT That Counts: Brooke Hogan's "The Redemption"
The THOT That Counts takes a look at stripper-pop musical efforts and wonders how they ended up the way the are through a standard review and analysis of the pop culture lens of their time of release.
The year is 2009; the blatant skank phase of pop culture was pretty much dying as most of the forms of entertainment relying on the trend were no longer deemed culturally kosher. By this time, Britney Spears had gone through a horrendous 2007 in the spotlight and somehow made it but less openly skanky. Paris Hilton was deemed irrelevant as both a celebutante and a pop singer [but more on that when her chapter comes up.] Lady Gaga had rolled along in 2009 and was labeled the weirdo pop music needed.
With this as a template let me remind you Brooke Hogan's sophomore effort, 1. was a thing and 2. a fucking miracle considering what her last effort was but 3. mainly bolstered by the fact she was using her VH1 status to make a career in pop music, because blatant skank culture was dead and she was pretty much escaping her life at that point.
This isn't to say she didn't pull a Blackoutney and release an album around the time of a shitty personal life, but let's get this out of the way; a LOT of parallels between Brooke Hogan's second album, The Redemption, and Britney Spears at this point in time. The good news so far? No bonus tracks. As before, a standard review will preface the analysis as to why this album ended up the way it did.
1. "Intro" - We're first treated to an interlude...well intro-lude, using soundbytes of the tabloid cycle the Hogans were under in the period of time since her debut and this effort. It's only useful in explaining whatever Brooke felt she needed to redeemed from [and that's going to come up later in full.] As for the intro-lude itself, on one hand it's a mixed bag. It makes sense for Brookeney...err Brooke to address the tabloid cycle surrounding her family as it's common knowledge to reality junkies in general let alone those of the MTV and VH1 Celebreality golden age that relationships in reality shows worsen over time because they're under such a microscope.
The Hogans were just a family of celebrity status trying to show how they function with a famed WWE star as a head of household but also with fame hungry kids [let's not pretend kids of famous people don't want that at first; Amy Osbourne notwithstanding but that's something else entirely.] At the same time, it shows the album's flaw from the jump; while Hulk, Linda and Nick were embroiled in scandal, Brooke got off scot-free compared to the others in that her spinoff show was referenced. Again, what the fuck is she trying to redeem herself from? [the answer is coming later.]
2. "Strip" - After the intro-lude, the first real track of The Redemption is a fucking half-assed mashup of both Circus era and Blackout era Britney [title track and "(Get Naked) I've Got a Plan" to be specific.] Infuriatingly [though not surprisingly] the processed vocals wear thin at the halfway mark beyond.
3. "Hey Yo!" (featuring Colby O'Donis) - The track that pretty much became a background theme to the last season or so of Brooke Knows Best. Love interest for an episode and "Just Dance" featured guest Colby O'Donis is featured and he's just fine on it as is Brooke. Just fine, inoffensive and actually...a good track on both ends as the bubblegum production is fluffy enough to say "this is different for her" but just catchy enough to last.
Surprisingly this was a 2nd single from the album but weirdly, it got no video treatment even though the song was plugged at the end of every episode of the show for the longest time.
4. "Trust Me" (featuring Urban Mystic) - Somebody tried to make Brooke Hogan really sing for the first few seconds and they deserve a raise. Then the song nosedives once the production reads less "upbeat sunny pop" and more as an advertisement for a Sandals resort and cruise.
5. "Falling" (featuring Stack$) - Brooke Hogan's best song. It may be a secret vehicle for the inept beyond dated Kevin Federline reference spouting Stack$ [who by the way, Brooke dated for a hot minute] but Brooke's vocals are actually pleasant throughout the song. It doesn't matter that she could barely carry a tune in a bucket, the production and vocal take used are fantastic together.
In what should be no surprise at all, this was the lead single for the album [which further raises the question what the hell she needed redemption from] and was also the second music video to her name that VH1 gave in-house love on the VH1 Top 20 Video Countdown.
(I'd describe the music video but if you're not interested in a badly done special effects ridden video on a dime with Brooke in a blue bikini and Stack$ in board shorts...yeah, you're screwed here.)
6. "All I Want Is You"- For all the comparisons I've made to her and Britney Spears, apparently along the way Brooke Hogan aimed for a sunshine era Sheryl Crow and was hoping for at least Colbie Caillat [but ended up with only a slightly better Debi Nova but not by much.] OK it's not the worst idea to move Brooke's album from the white girl going urban shtick to the airy/fluffy side of bubblegum pop but this empty sunny guitar pop is dated by at least 15 years and sucks OUT LOUD.
7. "Dear Mom..." - Now we move onto the uncomfortable in context song, Brooke made about her mom. Oddly enough, AllMusic pointed out how this is the only song Brooke ever sounded in control of throughout her storied dual album career. AllMusic happens to be right in this case; it's the only song that brings up a possible answer as to what Brooke was seeking redemption from.
"It's better to live than to love you" is also surprisingly the deepest lyric imaginable for a Brooke Hogan album. Oh and the dialogue used...was an actual argument between her and her mom. This especially is going to make the next set of songs awkward to take into consideration.
8. "Handcuffed" - Nothing says "we don't give a shit about a cohesive album" like this song playing after a letter to the artist's mom during a tumultuous time in their lives. Especially if you revisit the fact that Brooke Hogan's vocal style is "even more processed Britney Spears". Kinky sex is fine and this song is fine and all but who the hell wants a mood shift that severe?
9. "Ruff Me Up" (featuring Flo Rida) - From the 0:13 second mark onward this is the shittiest ripoff of "Womanizer" by Britney Spears imaginable. This is like if Brazzers or Vivid Entertainment wrote this for a "blonde pop star XXX spoof" but decided at the last minute to just use stock porn music instead.
Also I'm going to shame Flo Rida for even appearing on this. Shame on you Flo Rida. For shame.
10. "BeDDable" - Oh look, the crappy Apple keyboard spelling trick commonly associated with Zayn. Judging from its pacing, something tells me this was scrapped from Undiscovered and was supposed to be a Janet c. 20 Y.O. era impersonation. Nothing this sexual should be this lethargic sounding but leave it to the team behind this album to think the pretty blonde chick should sing about sex, sex, sexy sex obsessive [scrapped Willa Ford album reference not totally intended.]
11. "You'll Never Be Like Him" - *immediately skips once the saccharine half-hearted sunshine pop begins*
12. "The One That Got Away" (featuring Stack$) - OK, there had to be a bit of Undiscovered stink on it with its cheapened...err diluted urban shtick all over it. If it was tiring on her debut, her second effort makes it all the more sophomoric. Enough of this Paula DeAnda impersonation and on to the next song, PLEASE.
13. "Redemption" - The song that is supposed to be indicative of the album the most at least from the title. Once she calls upon her people and "h8rs"/haters to listen to her seek redemption...I had had enough of this album without remembering there's one more song to go.
If you're going to attempt an anthemic song, make sure you have your song let alone lyrics in order to fit with the beat. This is without a doubt, one of the most insufferable albums I've listened to.
14. "Finish Line" - Not even 0:40 seconds in and I don't want to break the finish line of this song. The title doesn't fit the song and to end the album on a pitifully bland and thin note only proves that the reason Brooke Hogan's music career exists is because of VH1 relevance and not a goddamn thing else.
Now that the album is out of the way, it's fitting now to see why the album ended up the way it was through a contextual analysis of pop culture at the time of its release.
AfterTHOTS: As mentioned before, 2009 saw the death of blatant skank culture in the U.S. after 2007 had done it in with Britney's VMA performance of "Gimme More" and the fact that Paris Hilton was nowhere to be cared about. Musically, "urban" pop music was also on its death bed after acts like the Pussycat Dolls...hell after most of pop divadom in general had exhausted all the sexual engines of "urban" pop music. Lady Gaga is mentioned again as being the weirdo that was seen as a breath of fresh air after so many years and so many projects enveloped in blatant skank culture. EDM led by David Guetta, bringing along Calvin Harris and in a way Gaga would ensure the death of "urban" pop music or at least the type tinged with blatant skank culture.
As for Brooke at this time, she was seeking redemption for no reason. Think back to the intro-lude mentioned earlier. Remember that no scandal mentioned her as the root cause, nor should they because Hulk and Linda's divorce was the result of unresolved marital issues having been magnified under the reality TV lens; Nick's arrest record came from the fact that he had had a messy history with anything involving a car [specifically, 2 of his Dad's cars in a street race which later resulted in his passenger being so injured left them in a nursing home for the rest of their life.]
Think back to "Dear Mom" and the tension between them; it was not Brooke's fault that her mom was dating a guy younger than Brooke [and if i recall correctly, he either went to the same high school as Brooke or were classmates which makes the tension on "Dear Mom" all the more that uncomfortable.] The biggest question comes from the album concept.
What the hell was Brooke Hogan looking to be redeemed from?
The answer could be one of two things; one way of looking at The Redemption is this weirdly apt shedding of original sin/not wanting to be like your parents if you witness a vicious cycle of theirs/wanting to make something of yourself in spite of who you came from. Understanding that due to unforeseen and certainly unplanned circumstances, "Dear Mom" type of sentiments need to be said just for eventual healing or to once and for all keep distance and space between any feuding party.
Another way to look at The Redemption is to view it as a form of damage control to the Hogan brand [but only from a fly on the wall perspective]. Brooke survived this with little if any damage, cancellation of her show aside. After all, she got to release another album and in a way prove that at least one member of the family was able to keep the machine running.
The truth, however, is uglier than you think; The Redemption is a poorly thought out album that in a sad way was Brooke Hogan going through the motions (as if Undiscovered wasn't enough proof she or Storch Music Group did that already) but this time not meaning to do so.
For all of the unfortunate flaws she couldn't control, it's not like her music career was meant to last. The Redemption is proof that although in-house privilege by way of celebrity status can get you in, it's the same thing that can boot you out just as quickly.
The year is 2009; the blatant skank phase of pop culture was pretty much dying as most of the forms of entertainment relying on the trend were no longer deemed culturally kosher. By this time, Britney Spears had gone through a horrendous 2007 in the spotlight and somehow made it but less openly skanky. Paris Hilton was deemed irrelevant as both a celebutante and a pop singer [but more on that when her chapter comes up.] Lady Gaga had rolled along in 2009 and was labeled the weirdo pop music needed.
With this as a template let me remind you Brooke Hogan's sophomore effort, 1. was a thing and 2. a fucking miracle considering what her last effort was but 3. mainly bolstered by the fact she was using her VH1 status to make a career in pop music, because blatant skank culture was dead and she was pretty much escaping her life at that point.
This isn't to say she didn't pull a Blackoutney and release an album around the time of a shitty personal life, but let's get this out of the way; a LOT of parallels between Brooke Hogan's second album, The Redemption, and Britney Spears at this point in time. The good news so far? No bonus tracks. As before, a standard review will preface the analysis as to why this album ended up the way it did.
1. "Intro" - We're first treated to an interlude...well intro-lude, using soundbytes of the tabloid cycle the Hogans were under in the period of time since her debut and this effort. It's only useful in explaining whatever Brooke felt she needed to redeemed from [and that's going to come up later in full.] As for the intro-lude itself, on one hand it's a mixed bag. It makes sense for Brookeney...err Brooke to address the tabloid cycle surrounding her family as it's common knowledge to reality junkies in general let alone those of the MTV and VH1 Celebreality golden age that relationships in reality shows worsen over time because they're under such a microscope.
The Hogans were just a family of celebrity status trying to show how they function with a famed WWE star as a head of household but also with fame hungry kids [let's not pretend kids of famous people don't want that at first; Amy Osbourne notwithstanding but that's something else entirely.] At the same time, it shows the album's flaw from the jump; while Hulk, Linda and Nick were embroiled in scandal, Brooke got off scot-free compared to the others in that her spinoff show was referenced. Again, what the fuck is she trying to redeem herself from? [the answer is coming later.]
2. "Strip" - After the intro-lude, the first real track of The Redemption is a fucking half-assed mashup of both Circus era and Blackout era Britney [title track and "(Get Naked) I've Got a Plan" to be specific.] Infuriatingly [though not surprisingly] the processed vocals wear thin at the halfway mark beyond.
3. "Hey Yo!" (featuring Colby O'Donis) - The track that pretty much became a background theme to the last season or so of Brooke Knows Best. Love interest for an episode and "Just Dance" featured guest Colby O'Donis is featured and he's just fine on it as is Brooke. Just fine, inoffensive and actually...a good track on both ends as the bubblegum production is fluffy enough to say "this is different for her" but just catchy enough to last.
Surprisingly this was a 2nd single from the album but weirdly, it got no video treatment even though the song was plugged at the end of every episode of the show for the longest time.
4. "Trust Me" (featuring Urban Mystic) - Somebody tried to make Brooke Hogan really sing for the first few seconds and they deserve a raise. Then the song nosedives once the production reads less "upbeat sunny pop" and more as an advertisement for a Sandals resort and cruise.
5. "Falling" (featuring Stack$) - Brooke Hogan's best song. It may be a secret vehicle for the inept beyond dated Kevin Federline reference spouting Stack$ [who by the way, Brooke dated for a hot minute] but Brooke's vocals are actually pleasant throughout the song. It doesn't matter that she could barely carry a tune in a bucket, the production and vocal take used are fantastic together.
In what should be no surprise at all, this was the lead single for the album [which further raises the question what the hell she needed redemption from] and was also the second music video to her name that VH1 gave in-house love on the VH1 Top 20 Video Countdown.
(I'd describe the music video but if you're not interested in a badly done special effects ridden video on a dime with Brooke in a blue bikini and Stack$ in board shorts...yeah, you're screwed here.)
6. "All I Want Is You"- For all the comparisons I've made to her and Britney Spears, apparently along the way Brooke Hogan aimed for a sunshine era Sheryl Crow and was hoping for at least Colbie Caillat [but ended up with only a slightly better Debi Nova but not by much.] OK it's not the worst idea to move Brooke's album from the white girl going urban shtick to the airy/fluffy side of bubblegum pop but this empty sunny guitar pop is dated by at least 15 years and sucks OUT LOUD.
7. "Dear Mom..." - Now we move onto the uncomfortable in context song, Brooke made about her mom. Oddly enough, AllMusic pointed out how this is the only song Brooke ever sounded in control of throughout her storied dual album career. AllMusic happens to be right in this case; it's the only song that brings up a possible answer as to what Brooke was seeking redemption from.
"It's better to live than to love you" is also surprisingly the deepest lyric imaginable for a Brooke Hogan album. Oh and the dialogue used...was an actual argument between her and her mom. This especially is going to make the next set of songs awkward to take into consideration.
8. "Handcuffed" - Nothing says "we don't give a shit about a cohesive album" like this song playing after a letter to the artist's mom during a tumultuous time in their lives. Especially if you revisit the fact that Brooke Hogan's vocal style is "even more processed Britney Spears". Kinky sex is fine and this song is fine and all but who the hell wants a mood shift that severe?
9. "Ruff Me Up" (featuring Flo Rida) - From the 0:13 second mark onward this is the shittiest ripoff of "Womanizer" by Britney Spears imaginable. This is like if Brazzers or Vivid Entertainment wrote this for a "blonde pop star XXX spoof" but decided at the last minute to just use stock porn music instead.
Also I'm going to shame Flo Rida for even appearing on this. Shame on you Flo Rida. For shame.
10. "BeDDable" - Oh look, the crappy Apple keyboard spelling trick commonly associated with Zayn. Judging from its pacing, something tells me this was scrapped from Undiscovered and was supposed to be a Janet c. 20 Y.O. era impersonation. Nothing this sexual should be this lethargic sounding but leave it to the team behind this album to think the pretty blonde chick should sing about sex, sex, sexy sex obsessive [scrapped Willa Ford album reference not totally intended.]
11. "You'll Never Be Like Him" - *immediately skips once the saccharine half-hearted sunshine pop begins*
12. "The One That Got Away" (featuring Stack$) - OK, there had to be a bit of Undiscovered stink on it with its cheapened...err diluted urban shtick all over it. If it was tiring on her debut, her second effort makes it all the more sophomoric. Enough of this Paula DeAnda impersonation and on to the next song, PLEASE.
13. "Redemption" - The song that is supposed to be indicative of the album the most at least from the title. Once she calls upon her people and "h8rs"/haters to listen to her seek redemption...I had had enough of this album without remembering there's one more song to go.
If you're going to attempt an anthemic song, make sure you have your song let alone lyrics in order to fit with the beat. This is without a doubt, one of the most insufferable albums I've listened to.
14. "Finish Line" - Not even 0:40 seconds in and I don't want to break the finish line of this song. The title doesn't fit the song and to end the album on a pitifully bland and thin note only proves that the reason Brooke Hogan's music career exists is because of VH1 relevance and not a goddamn thing else.
Now that the album is out of the way, it's fitting now to see why the album ended up the way it was through a contextual analysis of pop culture at the time of its release.
AfterTHOTS: As mentioned before, 2009 saw the death of blatant skank culture in the U.S. after 2007 had done it in with Britney's VMA performance of "Gimme More" and the fact that Paris Hilton was nowhere to be cared about. Musically, "urban" pop music was also on its death bed after acts like the Pussycat Dolls...hell after most of pop divadom in general had exhausted all the sexual engines of "urban" pop music. Lady Gaga is mentioned again as being the weirdo that was seen as a breath of fresh air after so many years and so many projects enveloped in blatant skank culture. EDM led by David Guetta, bringing along Calvin Harris and in a way Gaga would ensure the death of "urban" pop music or at least the type tinged with blatant skank culture.
As for Brooke at this time, she was seeking redemption for no reason. Think back to the intro-lude mentioned earlier. Remember that no scandal mentioned her as the root cause, nor should they because Hulk and Linda's divorce was the result of unresolved marital issues having been magnified under the reality TV lens; Nick's arrest record came from the fact that he had had a messy history with anything involving a car [specifically, 2 of his Dad's cars in a street race which later resulted in his passenger being so injured left them in a nursing home for the rest of their life.]
Think back to "Dear Mom" and the tension between them; it was not Brooke's fault that her mom was dating a guy younger than Brooke [and if i recall correctly, he either went to the same high school as Brooke or were classmates which makes the tension on "Dear Mom" all the more that uncomfortable.] The biggest question comes from the album concept.
What the hell was Brooke Hogan looking to be redeemed from?
The answer could be one of two things; one way of looking at The Redemption is this weirdly apt shedding of original sin/not wanting to be like your parents if you witness a vicious cycle of theirs/wanting to make something of yourself in spite of who you came from. Understanding that due to unforeseen and certainly unplanned circumstances, "Dear Mom" type of sentiments need to be said just for eventual healing or to once and for all keep distance and space between any feuding party.
Another way to look at The Redemption is to view it as a form of damage control to the Hogan brand [but only from a fly on the wall perspective]. Brooke survived this with little if any damage, cancellation of her show aside. After all, she got to release another album and in a way prove that at least one member of the family was able to keep the machine running.
The truth, however, is uglier than you think; The Redemption is a poorly thought out album that in a sad way was Brooke Hogan going through the motions (as if Undiscovered wasn't enough proof she or Storch Music Group did that already) but this time not meaning to do so.
For all of the unfortunate flaws she couldn't control, it's not like her music career was meant to last. The Redemption is proof that although in-house privilege by way of celebrity status can get you in, it's the same thing that can boot you out just as quickly.
The THOT That Counts: Brooke Hogan's "Undiscovered"
In a need to stretch content, I'll be launching and giving spotlight to certain albums that fall under the category known as "stripper-pop", "slut-pop" or have one or more songs considered to be "stripper anthems".
Not everyone has a fascination for stripper-pop but hey; it's The THOT That Counts.
The year is 2006 and in the midst of pop culture's blatant skank phase, a VH1 famous figure decides to pull a low rent version of Danity Kane and release a pop album to gain relevance in the world outside their original format. The "celebutante" [mashup of the words celebrity and debutante] deciding to cement a place in pop music is Brooke Hogan; daughter of the famed wrestler Hulk Hogan and amazingly, a 2 album wonder.
This installment will focus on her debut effort, Undiscovered.
Like any stripper-pop album of the mid 2000s, the album was mainly birthed by super-producer of the August 2004 to August 2006, Scott Storch [To understand his relevance and caliber of talent at the time, imagine if Pharrell Williams only cared about fame instead of music and imagine a Chanel vs. Walmart meme and have Timbaland represent Chanel. Take it from there, sparky.]
As to whether or not the album has any merits will be measured first through a standard review by yours truly and then a compilation of thoughts gathered from other reviews and applying context to why the album ended up the way it was. [and to truly give the biggest picture, I'll be forced to reckon with iTunes bonus track, "Certified" and Japanese bonus track "Crazy Love".]
1. "About Us" (ft. Paul Wall) - It's her only hit on the Hot 100 and it makes sense for the best and worst reasons; it's a product of its time. Paul Wall was the breakout star of the Houston Hip-Hop moment of the mid 00s. "Grills" or jewelry meant to fit a person's teeth, were the trendy must have/must fawn accessory in the ever complicated street style to "fashion"/mainstream accepted for a hot minute timeline of the fashion industry.
Brooke herself plays less a Britney Spears knockoff and more of an Ashanti wannabe considering she's the hook girl on her own song. All of this was culturally kosher at the time considering she was the product of the "white girl goes urban" trend of 2004-2007. The song itself kind of sucks but is enveloped in a catch 22 of nostalgia; in this case it's both a welcome trip for the pink Motorola RAZR sporting teens of the mid 00s and also a "what was I thinking? Oh yeah, this song is cute."
2. "Heaven Baby" (ft. Beenie Man) - Another product of its time but this time with the added bonus of disturbing lyrics. "I could wear you on my sleeve/Even when you're makin' me bleed". *record scratch* what the fuck? Without considering the fact this sounds like an omen for "(Flex) All In My Head" by Fifth Harmony, this is bad.
3. "Next Time" - Spoiler, this album is dated as hell and I will be mentioning that a lot. This isn't the worst direction for Brooke's album to go, but this sounds like a Cassie reject [or a very rough demo of "Long Way 2 Go"]. To be fair, mid 00s pop revolved around an "urban" phase meaning if you were a producer that specialized in music popular on R&B stations, the pop gods were going to give you success if you helped pop become accessible to black people.
*What the hell did you think "urban" meant in music? Music made in or mostly made in a city?*
4. "For a Moment" - Taking a slight detour from outright "urban" labeled pop, something resembling a rhythmic ballad brings out that for all her faults as a vocalist on the preceding tracks, Brooke Hogan could actually kind of sing on slower or less blatantly "urban" labeled music.
Granted, a saccharine ballad that sounds not to snuff on a Jessica Simpson album wasn't going to help her case as a pop singer, Brooke can kind of sing in a pleasant enough tone to make this song suck less.
5. "My Space" - Nothing says a dated 2006 album like a song title that inadvertently references MySpace [even if the song has not a damn thing to do with the former Facebook of its time]. Her cooing vocals aren't bad but this is essentially a rack of clothes at A'gaci of a song.
*For those wondering what I'm talking about when referencing A'gaci, it's a clothing store that in the mid 00s was for teenage girls who said "Limited Too isn't me anymore, I wanna be Paris Hilton" and became the type to not only frequent that place but also purchased Rocket Dog and Chinese Laundry brand shoes and heels. Essentially, it was a "bad girl" training ground. It reeked of Bad Girls Club wannabe behavior.*
6. "All About Me" - The true departure from "urban" and the first "ABC Family" style pop/rock that any "bad girl" or stripper-pop diva of the 2001s to 2007s ended up getting stuck with. Oddly enough this is Brooke's strongest song on the album thus far. Again, Brooke Hogan before this album, during this album and well after this album is no singer but she knew how to commit.
7. "My Number" (ft. Stack$) - Oh we're back to "urban" alright. Stack$ is introduced and he's going to pop up on her next album when we get to her second album. Hogan's vocals aren't the worst thing ever, but this production and pop act matchup was really bad. Not that I was expecting lyrical depth on this album but who the fuck would ever sing "I'm gonna write my information on this napkin" to a diluted urban/pop beat?
Also, if you couldn't guess, Stack$ was nothing special on the song and was like any other pop friendly rapper a 3rd rate label like SoBe got to appear on the album.
8. "Beautiful Transformation" - A coming of age song...can be found somewhere else because this is like a mansplained version of Britney's "I'm Not A Girl...Not Yet a Woman" down to the creepy shit someone had Brooke sing for the first 0:49 seconds.
*Or is it a predator written version of "I'm a Slave 4 U"...I can't tell when it comes to rewrites of a Britney song but without the sharp lyrical nuance or the ability to not sound like the creepiest shit this side of Lolita.*
9. "Certified" - Stop relying on that body-ody-ody. Sorry, I had to. OK, a boring filler song *remembers this is the iTunes bonus track*. NEXT.
10. "One Sided Love" - More like Lop Sided Album, but cute guess. Quick math lesson, kids: Danity Kane demo + that sheen of a white girl MySpace page = this song. Although a sheen of white girl MySpace page was probably a co-producer of this album so perhaps a different description of the remaining songs is in order.
11. "Letting Go" - Well at least this schlock of "urban"/pop is one of the better or more fitting production choices for Brooke's limited but committed vocals. FUN FACT: most of the standout tracks of "urban"/pop of this era were either playing one of these two extremes; sex or breaking up. This is a great example of a breakup track working so well in this sect of pop music.
12. "Dance Alone" (ft. Nox) - Oh dear GOD who allowed someone to use a Street Fighter midi file on this song? [Like this is when you fight DeeJay in Hyper Street Fighter II] Wait, this is like "Una Noche" by 98 Degrees but a tackier rewrite of it. Brooke again is relegated to the Ashanti role of hook girl on her own song
13. "Love You, Hate You" - In case you're wondering, yes indeed. Brooke. Hogan. had a song that sampled the piano that would later appear on a Jay Z song...again...Brooke. Hogan. was ahead of Jay Z in terms of scoring samples on her album.
Sadly, the song that got a wonderful sample falls short of being good. It worms its way to decent [and kind of sounding like a "No Air" by Jordin Sparks wannabe.]
14. "Incognito" - This isn't necessarily "urban" but this is definite stripper-pop friendly filler. Manufactured guitar licks mixed with half-assed bleep-bloop noises aren't normally worth castigating but considering this is the non bonus track penultimate song, it's unacceptable to have this towards the end of the album.
At least try to reach a high note; even if she were to miss it in spectacular fashion, she would be trying something new on this album.
15. "Low Rider Jeans" - Be warned; what this song does to a sample of "Lowrider" by War is considered a hate crime to LULAC. In 3 seconds, this song manages to sour the mood when apparently, a nickname for the fashion staple of the early to mid 00s, low rider jeans is "dun-dun-dun-duns".
16. "Crazy Love" - Because I want to present the clearest picture possible [and might be a masochist to boot], this iteration will end on the Japanese bonus track. Production wise, this is the best track. Singing wise, this is Jessica Simpson but without the wasted potential Jessica had.
Oddly enough this is one of the strongest tracks on the album but considering the parent album I would NOT want to be the father.
Now that I slogged through 16 Brooke Hogan songs, it's time to see why the album ended up the way it was through the context of its time of release. In short, I'll be remembering my formative years of being a VH1 junkie/shut-in.
AfterTHOTS: Putting it nicely, as I'm sure it's clear by now Brooke Hogan's debut was a product of its time for better and worse. A reality show starlet who in true pop culture tradition was perceived to have overstepped her boundaries once she made a foray into music.
Pop music in the mid 00s was riding high on its low rider jean friendly stripper-pop by way of "urban" producers being the ones who made the most waves with Pharrell as the origin of it, Timbaland being the 2nd place now, frontrunner then super-producer of his heydays and most fitting, Scott Storch was the opportunist who wanted to milk this for everything it was worth.
Brooke was a rising star of the VH1 Celebreality [celebrity + reality TV] block's golden years thanks to her spinoff potential working in its favor as VH1 saw a way to give someone a spinoff mainly because music was said to be a passion of hers. Make no mistake, this is not saying how dare Brooke try to ride the waves of a hot trend to make her dreams of being a pop singer come true.
I'm saying this was a half-assed venture right from who released her album to the 3rd rate cuts she was getting passed off as songs "meant for her".
Considering that Storch Music Group by way of SoBe Entertainment was the one who had first dibs on a prematurely deemed VH1 answer to Britney Spears, it's kind of appalling how little was put into this album. Brooke Hogan is not a deep artist, y'all; she was trying to make a name for herself outside of being that wrestler's daughter from TV.
The first time around wasn't that fruitful; despite a Top 40 hit and constant VH1 [or in house attention] for Hogan, her debut album only peaked at #28 on the Billboard 200. Certainly not the worst thing to happen, but to be fair, 2006 was the peak and also the oversaturation point of blatant skank culture in the U.S. There's an AllMusic review of Danity Kane's second album Welcome to the Dollhouse that puts it the best way [even if it never meant to] as to why Brooke's album might have fallen through the cracks.
"Danity Kane exist in a strange netherworld of pop culture, where you either know everything about the prefabricated girl group or you know nothing about them. Despite debuting at the top of the Billboard charts with their eponymous 2006 debut, on its way to eventual platinum sales, the group didn't seem to make any impact outside of MTV, the place where their construction was meticulously, endlessly documented on the third season of Making the Band."
- Stephen Thomas Erlewine, reviewing Welcome to the Dollhouse
Replace Danity Kane with Brooke Hogan, girl group with pop star, the #1 debut with a #28 debut, MTV for VH1, omit the platinum sales part and Making the Band for Brooke Knows Best and it's the same thing.
VH1 junkies like me knew that Brooke Hogan wanted to be a singer of some sort and she was pretty much using her show as the best kind of publicity someone could get...one that was pretty much free on their end. However, unless people were willing to slog through VH1 in general let alone Brooke Hogan's spinoff vanity project where every now and then she'd do something music related instead of live life as a freed teenager/early adult from her parents, no one cared about her let alone her music.
Yet due to the in-house effect of VH1's Top 20 Video Countdown and the fact Brooke Knows Best was getting ratings, a 2nd album would be made and instead of Scott Storch's stench all over it, she'd be on another imprint of SoBe Entertainment, Fontana Records...next time, The THOT That Counts will be Brooke's needless attempt at Redemption.
Not everyone has a fascination for stripper-pop but hey; it's The THOT That Counts.
The year is 2006 and in the midst of pop culture's blatant skank phase, a VH1 famous figure decides to pull a low rent version of Danity Kane and release a pop album to gain relevance in the world outside their original format. The "celebutante" [mashup of the words celebrity and debutante] deciding to cement a place in pop music is Brooke Hogan; daughter of the famed wrestler Hulk Hogan and amazingly, a 2 album wonder.
This installment will focus on her debut effort, Undiscovered.
Like any stripper-pop album of the mid 2000s, the album was mainly birthed by super-producer of the August 2004 to August 2006, Scott Storch [To understand his relevance and caliber of talent at the time, imagine if Pharrell Williams only cared about fame instead of music and imagine a Chanel vs. Walmart meme and have Timbaland represent Chanel. Take it from there, sparky.]
As to whether or not the album has any merits will be measured first through a standard review by yours truly and then a compilation of thoughts gathered from other reviews and applying context to why the album ended up the way it was. [and to truly give the biggest picture, I'll be forced to reckon with iTunes bonus track, "Certified" and Japanese bonus track "Crazy Love".]
1. "About Us" (ft. Paul Wall) - It's her only hit on the Hot 100 and it makes sense for the best and worst reasons; it's a product of its time. Paul Wall was the breakout star of the Houston Hip-Hop moment of the mid 00s. "Grills" or jewelry meant to fit a person's teeth, were the trendy must have/must fawn accessory in the ever complicated street style to "fashion"/mainstream accepted for a hot minute timeline of the fashion industry.
Brooke herself plays less a Britney Spears knockoff and more of an Ashanti wannabe considering she's the hook girl on her own song. All of this was culturally kosher at the time considering she was the product of the "white girl goes urban" trend of 2004-2007. The song itself kind of sucks but is enveloped in a catch 22 of nostalgia; in this case it's both a welcome trip for the pink Motorola RAZR sporting teens of the mid 00s and also a "what was I thinking? Oh yeah, this song is cute."
2. "Heaven Baby" (ft. Beenie Man) - Another product of its time but this time with the added bonus of disturbing lyrics. "I could wear you on my sleeve/Even when you're makin' me bleed". *record scratch* what the fuck? Without considering the fact this sounds like an omen for "(Flex) All In My Head" by Fifth Harmony, this is bad.
3. "Next Time" - Spoiler, this album is dated as hell and I will be mentioning that a lot. This isn't the worst direction for Brooke's album to go, but this sounds like a Cassie reject [or a very rough demo of "Long Way 2 Go"]. To be fair, mid 00s pop revolved around an "urban" phase meaning if you were a producer that specialized in music popular on R&B stations, the pop gods were going to give you success if you helped pop become accessible to black people.
*What the hell did you think "urban" meant in music? Music made in or mostly made in a city?*
4. "For a Moment" - Taking a slight detour from outright "urban" labeled pop, something resembling a rhythmic ballad brings out that for all her faults as a vocalist on the preceding tracks, Brooke Hogan could actually kind of sing on slower or less blatantly "urban" labeled music.
Granted, a saccharine ballad that sounds not to snuff on a Jessica Simpson album wasn't going to help her case as a pop singer, Brooke can kind of sing in a pleasant enough tone to make this song suck less.
5. "My Space" - Nothing says a dated 2006 album like a song title that inadvertently references MySpace [even if the song has not a damn thing to do with the former Facebook of its time]. Her cooing vocals aren't bad but this is essentially a rack of clothes at A'gaci of a song.
*For those wondering what I'm talking about when referencing A'gaci, it's a clothing store that in the mid 00s was for teenage girls who said "Limited Too isn't me anymore, I wanna be Paris Hilton" and became the type to not only frequent that place but also purchased Rocket Dog and Chinese Laundry brand shoes and heels. Essentially, it was a "bad girl" training ground. It reeked of Bad Girls Club wannabe behavior.*
6. "All About Me" - The true departure from "urban" and the first "ABC Family" style pop/rock that any "bad girl" or stripper-pop diva of the 2001s to 2007s ended up getting stuck with. Oddly enough this is Brooke's strongest song on the album thus far. Again, Brooke Hogan before this album, during this album and well after this album is no singer but she knew how to commit.
7. "My Number" (ft. Stack$) - Oh we're back to "urban" alright. Stack$ is introduced and he's going to pop up on her next album when we get to her second album. Hogan's vocals aren't the worst thing ever, but this production and pop act matchup was really bad. Not that I was expecting lyrical depth on this album but who the fuck would ever sing "I'm gonna write my information on this napkin" to a diluted urban/pop beat?
Also, if you couldn't guess, Stack$ was nothing special on the song and was like any other pop friendly rapper a 3rd rate label like SoBe got to appear on the album.
8. "Beautiful Transformation" - A coming of age song...can be found somewhere else because this is like a mansplained version of Britney's "I'm Not A Girl...Not Yet a Woman" down to the creepy shit someone had Brooke sing for the first 0:49 seconds.
*Or is it a predator written version of "I'm a Slave 4 U"...I can't tell when it comes to rewrites of a Britney song but without the sharp lyrical nuance or the ability to not sound like the creepiest shit this side of Lolita.*
9. "Certified" - Stop relying on that body-ody-ody. Sorry, I had to. OK, a boring filler song *remembers this is the iTunes bonus track*. NEXT.
10. "One Sided Love" - More like Lop Sided Album, but cute guess. Quick math lesson, kids: Danity Kane demo + that sheen of a white girl MySpace page = this song. Although a sheen of white girl MySpace page was probably a co-producer of this album so perhaps a different description of the remaining songs is in order.
11. "Letting Go" - Well at least this schlock of "urban"/pop is one of the better or more fitting production choices for Brooke's limited but committed vocals. FUN FACT: most of the standout tracks of "urban"/pop of this era were either playing one of these two extremes; sex or breaking up. This is a great example of a breakup track working so well in this sect of pop music.
12. "Dance Alone" (ft. Nox) - Oh dear GOD who allowed someone to use a Street Fighter midi file on this song? [Like this is when you fight DeeJay in Hyper Street Fighter II] Wait, this is like "Una Noche" by 98 Degrees but a tackier rewrite of it. Brooke again is relegated to the Ashanti role of hook girl on her own song
13. "Love You, Hate You" - In case you're wondering, yes indeed. Brooke. Hogan. had a song that sampled the piano that would later appear on a Jay Z song...again...Brooke. Hogan. was ahead of Jay Z in terms of scoring samples on her album.
Sadly, the song that got a wonderful sample falls short of being good. It worms its way to decent [and kind of sounding like a "No Air" by Jordin Sparks wannabe.]
14. "Incognito" - This isn't necessarily "urban" but this is definite stripper-pop friendly filler. Manufactured guitar licks mixed with half-assed bleep-bloop noises aren't normally worth castigating but considering this is the non bonus track penultimate song, it's unacceptable to have this towards the end of the album.
At least try to reach a high note; even if she were to miss it in spectacular fashion, she would be trying something new on this album.
15. "Low Rider Jeans" - Be warned; what this song does to a sample of "Lowrider" by War is considered a hate crime to LULAC. In 3 seconds, this song manages to sour the mood when apparently, a nickname for the fashion staple of the early to mid 00s, low rider jeans is "dun-dun-dun-duns".
"Hey guys, have you seen my dun-dun-dun-duns?"
- Brooke Hogan, souring the mood on her album
Just when you thought that was the worst part...then the song starts. Not even a minute in, I had had enough of this shoddily thrown together album and its bad sample work. "Low Rider Jeans hug a little tighter" is not the most disturbing thing said on this album but it's certainly the least palatable.
16. "Crazy Love" - Because I want to present the clearest picture possible [and might be a masochist to boot], this iteration will end on the Japanese bonus track. Production wise, this is the best track. Singing wise, this is Jessica Simpson but without the wasted potential Jessica had.
Oddly enough this is one of the strongest tracks on the album but considering the parent album I would NOT want to be the father.
Now that I slogged through 16 Brooke Hogan songs, it's time to see why the album ended up the way it was through the context of its time of release. In short, I'll be remembering my formative years of being a VH1 junkie/shut-in.
AfterTHOTS: Putting it nicely, as I'm sure it's clear by now Brooke Hogan's debut was a product of its time for better and worse. A reality show starlet who in true pop culture tradition was perceived to have overstepped her boundaries once she made a foray into music.
Pop music in the mid 00s was riding high on its low rider jean friendly stripper-pop by way of "urban" producers being the ones who made the most waves with Pharrell as the origin of it, Timbaland being the 2nd place now, frontrunner then super-producer of his heydays and most fitting, Scott Storch was the opportunist who wanted to milk this for everything it was worth.
Brooke was a rising star of the VH1 Celebreality [celebrity + reality TV] block's golden years thanks to her spinoff potential working in its favor as VH1 saw a way to give someone a spinoff mainly because music was said to be a passion of hers. Make no mistake, this is not saying how dare Brooke try to ride the waves of a hot trend to make her dreams of being a pop singer come true.
I'm saying this was a half-assed venture right from who released her album to the 3rd rate cuts she was getting passed off as songs "meant for her".
Considering that Storch Music Group by way of SoBe Entertainment was the one who had first dibs on a prematurely deemed VH1 answer to Britney Spears, it's kind of appalling how little was put into this album. Brooke Hogan is not a deep artist, y'all; she was trying to make a name for herself outside of being that wrestler's daughter from TV.
The first time around wasn't that fruitful; despite a Top 40 hit and constant VH1 [or in house attention] for Hogan, her debut album only peaked at #28 on the Billboard 200. Certainly not the worst thing to happen, but to be fair, 2006 was the peak and also the oversaturation point of blatant skank culture in the U.S. There's an AllMusic review of Danity Kane's second album Welcome to the Dollhouse that puts it the best way [even if it never meant to] as to why Brooke's album might have fallen through the cracks.
"Danity Kane exist in a strange netherworld of pop culture, where you either know everything about the prefabricated girl group or you know nothing about them. Despite debuting at the top of the Billboard charts with their eponymous 2006 debut, on its way to eventual platinum sales, the group didn't seem to make any impact outside of MTV, the place where their construction was meticulously, endlessly documented on the third season of Making the Band."
- Stephen Thomas Erlewine, reviewing Welcome to the Dollhouse
Replace Danity Kane with Brooke Hogan, girl group with pop star, the #1 debut with a #28 debut, MTV for VH1, omit the platinum sales part and Making the Band for Brooke Knows Best and it's the same thing.
VH1 junkies like me knew that Brooke Hogan wanted to be a singer of some sort and she was pretty much using her show as the best kind of publicity someone could get...one that was pretty much free on their end. However, unless people were willing to slog through VH1 in general let alone Brooke Hogan's spinoff vanity project where every now and then she'd do something music related instead of live life as a freed teenager/early adult from her parents, no one cared about her let alone her music.
Yet due to the in-house effect of VH1's Top 20 Video Countdown and the fact Brooke Knows Best was getting ratings, a 2nd album would be made and instead of Scott Storch's stench all over it, she'd be on another imprint of SoBe Entertainment, Fontana Records...next time, The THOT That Counts will be Brooke's needless attempt at Redemption.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
This List is STILL RANK: The New TOP 40 Lady Gaga Songs of All Time
In this special updated list, Lady Gaga will get 10 additional songs to make her a Top 40 member joining Madonna, Beyonce and Kelis.
As from the last list, for reference, her efforts The Fame, The Fame Monster, Born This Way, ARTPOP and now Joanne will be the source of most of the picks. In any scope, any Lady Gaga song released/or even unreleased or performed is eligible. Yes, Cheek to Cheek is not totally up for consideration (though a cut from that album might appear on the list) but is still an album worth your time.
40. "Fashion" [from the Confessions of a Shopaholic soundtrack]- Of the closest to "throwaway" tracks on the list, Gaga's contribution to the soundtrack isn't bad but rather boring. It gets the job done, swagger jacks Fergie's "My Humps" days and lists off fashion brands to a tune and...just exists for simple listening pleasure.
39. "Jewels N' Drugs" ft. T.I., Too $hort and Twista [from ARTPOP]- Ever wonder what a Lady Gaga cut can sound like when she outright says, "Fuck it; let's do this!"? This is the track from ARTPOP that does that and then some. Despite instances of vibe and soundclash, the rap sections just add an unexpected plus to the track. Gaga's vocals while not the focus still convey the deliciously tacky vibe of "Jewels N' Drugs".
38. "Perfect Illusion" [as used for the Robin Skouteris mashup "Perfect Discollusion (Gaga Don't Preach)"]- The lead single from Joanne in its original form is barely passable Gaga as it is ridiculously subtle in presentation. Don't let the promo for it [read as, having Little Monsters/Gaga fans suffer through a poorly written Ryan Murphy show...named Scream Queens, just to see the video at damn near the tail end.] fool you.
Without the mashup, it could've barely been honorable mentions but now it's lucky it has a place on the list. AT. ALL.
37. "The Cure" [new song she debuted at Coachella 2017]- In terms of experimentation and the artists that can pull it off, Gaga is usually considered one of the ones who can. "The Cure" while really good...let's face it, is not meant to sit among the greats. Stream it on Spotify [like I have] but know this; it's a subtle song that while not her worst attempt at subtlety, it's still not totally Gaga until she starts singing her ass off.
For live performances, this could live on for many concerts to come, but unless [like me] you've contributed to a listening party as commanded by the Little Monster corner of Twitter...it's not gonna sit with the other higher ranking Gaga material. Good, but she's done great things before.
36. "A-YO" [from Joanne]- The single turned promo single once people [at least looked like they] could embrace "Million Reasons". As for "A-YO", it was a notch up above PAHFECT EELUUZHAWN but still lacking in...not depth but...creativity. Catchy hook, maybe but considering this bitch's bench runs the deepest of the current/new pop divas, you know full damn well this is not Top 10 material.
35. "Black Jesus + Amen Fashion" [from the special edition of Born This Way]- Any song that has the lyric "Jesus is the new black" is by default the most decadent and most goddamn fabulously blasphemous Gaga song ever crafted. While it's clear it would've never lasted one second on the radio, it's the best album specific cut of BTW. The "Candy Shop" from Hard Candy principle works its magic for "Black Jesus + Amen Fashion".
34. "Diamond Heart" [from Joanne]- The opener for the latest release is rather pleasing...on that album. Among the oeuvre of Gaga, it falls way short. Yeah, it's got a rockin' beat but with the other songs from this era on the list and even the ones not up for consideration, they represent the bad side of Joanne; a creatively neutered era all because people decided ARTPOP/Gaga was "too weird".
Still, of the tracks from this era so far to make the list, it's worthy for Top 40 status but not a damn thing above it.
33. "Aura" [from ARTPOP]- While more famous for its lyric video in conjunction with Gaga's role in Machete Kills, its weird and trippy as fuck production services Gaga well. As an ARTPOP album cut, should this have led as the first single once play is pressed? No. While weird as hell, it's an entree compared to the amuse-bouche weirdness of say..."Gypsy". Still, "Aura" makes this list for being unapologetic weird-Gaga.
32. "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" [As performed for the PBS series, GREAT PERFORMANCES “Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga: Cheek to Cheek LIVE!”]- If not for another live performance on this list, this would easily cinch the crown as the best live singing she's ever done. Dressed in red leather, Gaga bitchslapped that song into submission. Theatrics once again serviced her musically [which can be said for any of the songs on the list.]
31. "Beautiful, Dirty, Rich" [from The Fame]- Used as a promo song for...an ABC show of the same name, the song lasted longer than the show obviously and with good reason. The song is catchy as fuck even though it's barely in at 3 minutes.
As from the last list, for reference, her efforts The Fame, The Fame Monster, Born This Way, ARTPOP and now Joanne will be the source of most of the picks. In any scope, any Lady Gaga song released/or even unreleased or performed is eligible. Yes, Cheek to Cheek is not totally up for consideration (though a cut from that album might appear on the list) but is still an album worth your time.
40. "Fashion" [from the Confessions of a Shopaholic soundtrack]- Of the closest to "throwaway" tracks on the list, Gaga's contribution to the soundtrack isn't bad but rather boring. It gets the job done, swagger jacks Fergie's "My Humps" days and lists off fashion brands to a tune and...just exists for simple listening pleasure.
39. "Jewels N' Drugs" ft. T.I., Too $hort and Twista [from ARTPOP]- Ever wonder what a Lady Gaga cut can sound like when she outright says, "Fuck it; let's do this!"? This is the track from ARTPOP that does that and then some. Despite instances of vibe and soundclash, the rap sections just add an unexpected plus to the track. Gaga's vocals while not the focus still convey the deliciously tacky vibe of "Jewels N' Drugs".
38. "Perfect Illusion" [as used for the Robin Skouteris mashup "Perfect Discollusion (Gaga Don't Preach)"]- The lead single from Joanne in its original form is barely passable Gaga as it is ridiculously subtle in presentation. Don't let the promo for it [read as, having Little Monsters/Gaga fans suffer through a poorly written Ryan Murphy show...named Scream Queens, just to see the video at damn near the tail end.] fool you.
Without the mashup, it could've barely been honorable mentions but now it's lucky it has a place on the list. AT. ALL.
37. "The Cure" [new song she debuted at Coachella 2017]- In terms of experimentation and the artists that can pull it off, Gaga is usually considered one of the ones who can. "The Cure" while really good...let's face it, is not meant to sit among the greats. Stream it on Spotify [like I have] but know this; it's a subtle song that while not her worst attempt at subtlety, it's still not totally Gaga until she starts singing her ass off.
For live performances, this could live on for many concerts to come, but unless [like me] you've contributed to a listening party as commanded by the Little Monster corner of Twitter...it's not gonna sit with the other higher ranking Gaga material. Good, but she's done great things before.
36. "A-YO" [from Joanne]- The single turned promo single once people [at least looked like they] could embrace "Million Reasons". As for "A-YO", it was a notch up above PAHFECT EELUUZHAWN but still lacking in...not depth but...creativity. Catchy hook, maybe but considering this bitch's bench runs the deepest of the current/new pop divas, you know full damn well this is not Top 10 material.
35. "Black Jesus + Amen Fashion" [from the special edition of Born This Way]- Any song that has the lyric "Jesus is the new black" is by default the most decadent and most goddamn fabulously blasphemous Gaga song ever crafted. While it's clear it would've never lasted one second on the radio, it's the best album specific cut of BTW. The "Candy Shop" from Hard Candy principle works its magic for "Black Jesus + Amen Fashion".
34. "Diamond Heart" [from Joanne]- The opener for the latest release is rather pleasing...on that album. Among the oeuvre of Gaga, it falls way short. Yeah, it's got a rockin' beat but with the other songs from this era on the list and even the ones not up for consideration, they represent the bad side of Joanne; a creatively neutered era all because people decided ARTPOP/Gaga was "too weird".
Still, of the tracks from this era so far to make the list, it's worthy for Top 40 status but not a damn thing above it.
33. "Aura" [from ARTPOP]- While more famous for its lyric video in conjunction with Gaga's role in Machete Kills, its weird and trippy as fuck production services Gaga well. As an ARTPOP album cut, should this have led as the first single once play is pressed? No. While weird as hell, it's an entree compared to the amuse-bouche weirdness of say..."Gypsy". Still, "Aura" makes this list for being unapologetic weird-Gaga.
32. "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" [As performed for the PBS series, GREAT PERFORMANCES “Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga: Cheek to Cheek LIVE!”]- If not for another live performance on this list, this would easily cinch the crown as the best live singing she's ever done. Dressed in red leather, Gaga bitchslapped that song into submission. Theatrics once again serviced her musically [which can be said for any of the songs on the list.]
31. "Beautiful, Dirty, Rich" [from The Fame]- Used as a promo song for...an ABC show of the same name, the song lasted longer than the show obviously and with good reason. The song is catchy as fuck even though it's barely in at 3 minutes.
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
This List is RANK: The Top 25 Britney Spears Songs Ever
The Madonna of Las Vegas, the original "pop princess", Britney Spears has had 9. Top. 5. Albums. 6 of them being #1, the others being 2, 3 and 4.
However, let it be said that while I'm glad I'm finally getting to compiling a list of her best songs, I have to admit this much beforehand. I'm up against 8 albums with some hits and whatever the hell Britney Jean was. I try my best to get every era/album involved in the top lists that I do, this is not gonna be easy (Or include Britney Jean material for that matter.)
That aside, when Britney songs are right, they're absolutely right. These are the best offerings The Holy SPEARit hath provided for the Britney Army [and for my casual ass, deal.]
25. "Sometimes" [from ...Baby One More Time] - The most saccharine of pop songs to the Holy SPEARit's name, "Sometimes" has a special place in history as the last acceptable mawkish pop song to have some level of earnest authenticity behind it. Then, we wanted to act like strippers, the music and chart gods delivered before telling this song, "You've done well enough."
24. "Before the Goodbye" [from Britney] - A virtually unknown track from the Asian release of Britney's 3rd album, "Before the Goodbye" is actually kind of subtle and just as cute as the other songs to her name. It isn't going to be much higher on this list due to the fact it's relatively obscure as fuck, but at least an album cut like this gets its due.
23. "You Drive Me Crazy" [from ...Baby One More Time] - You know it's the STOP! remix/video mix, right? The one that invented Adrien Grenier's relevance; had Melissa Joan Hart in it as well? Had Britney in the green tube top and ugly waitress outfit? Although just as infectious as other tracks, this one is actually kind of annoying in the gamut of Britney songs but when carefree, this song is a cute little bop.
22. "Lucky" [from Oops! I Did it Again] - The first time Britney tried a conceptual video was for a thinly veiled song about her struggles as normal girl turned pop diva sensation. There is footage with her isolated vocals that haunt me to this day, but at least "Lucky" is her most glittery song to date.
21. "Do You Wanna Come Over" [from Glory] - Yes, a song from Glory placed higher than the likes of "Lucky"; deal. While the song is prevented from higher placement due to that fucking awful male voice shouting, "Do You Wanna Come Over" is a nice, coquettish pop number which is proof that even on a mediocre album, Britney can still deliver something of high quality.
However, let it be said that while I'm glad I'm finally getting to compiling a list of her best songs, I have to admit this much beforehand. I'm up against 8 albums with some hits and whatever the hell Britney Jean was. I try my best to get every era/album involved in the top lists that I do, this is not gonna be easy (Or include Britney Jean material for that matter.)
That aside, when Britney songs are right, they're absolutely right. These are the best offerings The Holy SPEARit hath provided for the Britney Army [and for my casual ass, deal.]
25. "Sometimes" [from ...Baby One More Time] - The most saccharine of pop songs to the Holy SPEARit's name, "Sometimes" has a special place in history as the last acceptable mawkish pop song to have some level of earnest authenticity behind it. Then, we wanted to act like strippers, the music and chart gods delivered before telling this song, "You've done well enough."
24. "Before the Goodbye" [from Britney] - A virtually unknown track from the Asian release of Britney's 3rd album, "Before the Goodbye" is actually kind of subtle and just as cute as the other songs to her name. It isn't going to be much higher on this list due to the fact it's relatively obscure as fuck, but at least an album cut like this gets its due.
23. "You Drive Me Crazy" [from ...Baby One More Time] - You know it's the STOP! remix/video mix, right? The one that invented Adrien Grenier's relevance; had Melissa Joan Hart in it as well? Had Britney in the green tube top and ugly waitress outfit? Although just as infectious as other tracks, this one is actually kind of annoying in the gamut of Britney songs but when carefree, this song is a cute little bop.
22. "Lucky" [from Oops! I Did it Again] - The first time Britney tried a conceptual video was for a thinly veiled song about her struggles as normal girl turned pop diva sensation. There is footage with her isolated vocals that haunt me to this day, but at least "Lucky" is her most glittery song to date.
21. "Do You Wanna Come Over" [from Glory] - Yes, a song from Glory placed higher than the likes of "Lucky"; deal. While the song is prevented from higher placement due to that fucking awful male voice shouting, "Do You Wanna Come Over" is a nice, coquettish pop number which is proof that even on a mediocre album, Britney can still deliver something of high quality.
Saturday, December 10, 2016
TIERS Fall Down My Eyes: The Black Eyed Peas' Albums/Discography
Having taken part in now 5 album rates for the pop music subreddit, /r/popheads, I thought it would be interesting to rate and judge the discography of everyones' favorite band to rag on; The Black Eyed Peas.
THE ALBUMS: No, Behind the Front and Bridging the Gap don't count. No real single success nor relevance was gained. All four albums below are as they appear on Spotify. 60 songs enter and only one shall reign supreme above all else.
There will be three tiers; BAD for the lower 20, EH for the mediocre 20 and GOOD for the 20 best. "B", "E" and "G" will appear next to each song on the list so you can know which tier they'll end up in.
- Elephunk
1. "Hands Up" E
2. "Labor Day (It's a Holiday)" E
3. "Let's Get Retarded" G
4. "Hey Mama" G
5. "Shut Up" G
6. "Smells Like Funk" B
7. "Latin Girls" E
8. "Sexy" B
9. "Fly Away" G
10. "The Boogie That Be" G
11. "The Apl Song" E
12. "Anxiety" (with Papa Roach) B
13. "Where Is the Love?" E
14. "Let's Get it Started" [Spike Mix] B
15. "Third Eye" B
- Monkey Business
1. "Pump It" G
2. "Don't Phunk with My Heart" G
3. "My Style" (featuring Justin Timberlake and Timbaland) E
4. "Don't Lie" G
5. "My Humps" B
6. "Like That" (featuring Q-Tip, Talib Kweli, CeeLo Green and John Legend) G
7. "Dum Diddly" (featuring Dante Santiago) E
8. "Feel It" G
9. "Gone Going" (featuring Jack Johnson) B
10. "They Don't Want Music" (featuring James Brown) B
11. "Disco Club" B
12. "Bebot" E
13. "Ba Bump" E
14. "Audio Delite at Low Fidelity" E
15. "Union" (featuring Sting) B
- The E.N.D.
1. "Boom Boom Pow" G
2. "Rock That Body" G
3. "Meet Me Halfway" G
4. "Imma Be" G
5. "I Gotta Feeling" G
6. "Alive" E
7. "Missing You" B
8. "Ring-a-Ling" B
9. "Party All the Time" B
10. "Out of My Head" B
11. "Electric City" B
12. "Showdown" E
13. "Now Generation" E
14. "One Tribe" E
15. "Rockin to the Beat" E
- The Beginning ["Deluxe" version 😒]
1. "The Time (Dirty Bit)" B
2. "Light Up the Night" G
3. "Love You Long Time" B
4. "XOXOXO" B
5. "Someday" E
6. "Whenever" B
7. "Fashion Beats" G
8. "Don't Stop the Party" B
9. "Do It Like This" E
10. "The Situation" E
11. "The Coming" E
12. "Own It" G
13. "The Best One Yet (The Boy)" G
14. "Just Can't Get Enough" G
15. "Play It Loud" E
Now that each song has been tiered, time to fuck up the fun and rank each tier properly. Comments will appear at several points, so get comfortable.
BAD
60. "The Time (Dirty Bit)" - Creative pathways is the nicest way to describe what the song actually is; a hellhole of half-baked ideas and beat schemata that will.i.am had schlocked together because he didn't know what the hell to do with this song.
Taboo's omission from the song alongside Fergie's off key singing on the NON Auto-Tune parts of the song and just everything about this makes this The Black Eyed Peas' worst song in their discography.
59. "My Humps" - The lyrics are just names of jeans and Fergie having to play a gold-digging hoochie. Add in the clunky beat, the fact "My Humps" is said 9 times before the utterance of "my lovely lady lumps", it only took botching a sample of an 80s song to have this not be the worst song in their discography.
58. "Don't Stop the Party" - Please make it stop.
57. "Whenever" - Whatever, this song sucks too.
56. "XOXOXO" - NONONO is more like it.
55. "Love You Long Time" - If you're going to reference Full Metal Jacket, do it better than this song. The bar is as high as a mormon so you should succeed where the Peas have failed.
54. "Electric City" - At one point Fergie "sings" something to the effect of, "They ridin' on my dick/Think I'm a dildo" 😒🍆 Before any line from "M.I.L.F. $", this could've easily clenched the top spot of worse Fergie lines ever sung.
53. "Ring-a-Ling" - that one "My ding-a-ling" joke from The Simpsons but in song form.
52. "Missing You" - Not even on a milk carton.
51. "Party All the Time" - Eddie Murphy taught you nothing.
50. "Out of My Head" - Sadly, this song cannot escape my head.
49. "Third Eye" - I'd rather gouge my two own then give this pretentious crap another listen.
48. "Anxiety" (with Papa Roach) - One of two songs that suffer from soundclash. In this case, the Hip-Hop/Pop group against a hard rock act that in theory...seems weird already. I get stretching musical boundaries is needed for the appearance of versatility but this simply does not work on any level. Yes, there are songs worse than this, but make no mistake; this song sucks too.
47. "Smells Like Funk" - Presented without further comment.
46. "Gone Going" (featuring Jack Johnson) - The second of two songs with soundclash. This time, less talented Jason Mraz AKA Jack Johnson is brought along to play the same, rudimentary chords on his acoustic guitar for the Peas. What will.i.am and co. didn't realize was the fact they were calling out a fictional character for living shallow and not relating to people.
Music critics must have had aneurysms over the irony. Aside from that, this song while not as sonically atrocious as the others mentioned still sucks because of sub par content.
45. "They Don't Want Music" (featuring James Brown) - Presented without further comment.
44. "Union" (featuring Sting) - Too boring to point out the soundclash here as well.
43. "Disco Club" - Clunky, redundant but better than a lot of songs here.
42. "Sexy" - Anything but sexy is way more accurate.
41. "Let's Get it Started" [Spike Mix] - Censorship is wrong. The song is called "Let's Get Retarded" and it's in reference to dated slang in reference to having a damn good time. Still the same song that made the good tier, but the title alone earns a place in the bad tier.
EH
40. "Someday" - Not
39. "Do It Like This" - Worth
38. "The Situation" - Full
37. "The Coming" - Commenting
36. "Play It Loud" - Effort
35. "Ba Bump" - It barely makes a "ta thud".
34. "Audio Delite at Low Fidelity" - Boring but at least shows off one of the few times a Peas production can be decent on a strictly album cut.
33. "Latin Girls" - The poor man's "Senorita" by Justin Timberlake. It's one thing to sing about the type of person you're attracted to, but good GOD is will.i.am not smooth enough or lyrically deep enough to convey the message. Above average beat saves it from further evisceration.
32. "Hands Up" - Too boring to rip.
31. "Labor Day (It's a Holiday)" - Second verse, same as the first.
30. "Now Generation" - A song that attempts to reflect short-term satisfaction based society but ends up being a horribly dated technology/digital age inspited piece of dreck with barely above average beat work. The surprising amount of ambition behind it is the reason it ranks high. Also, "We are the now generation/We are the generation now" is a dumb lyric.
29. "One Tribe" - A humanist song that can be misconstrued as "colorblind" or "rose colored glasses" thinking when really it's just a diluted empowerment anthem. If I want to hear airy optimism, I'd look up Talim from Soul Calibur II's audio "I am one with the wind!" Concept alone is the reason it ranks this damn high.
28. "My Style" (featuring Justin Timberlake and Timbaland) - Boring pop/R&B on a Black Eyed Peas album...called "My Style".
27. "Dum Diddly" (featuring Dante Santiago) - Boneheaded but catchy enough to be in the EH tier while not awful enough for the BAD tier.
26. "Rockin to the Beat" - Inoffensive in theory as Taboo pretty much gets a song to himself...but GOOD GOD is it near mind numbing at times. Remember; there are such things as worse songs on this list.
25. "Showdown" - Good beat, a bit on the repetitive even by Peas standards, this could rank higher if not for the most eyebrow raising lyrics in their discography...
In case that was lost on you, will.i.am forced a bad pun with Bootsy Collins [funk musician/Christ figure in music] and terrorism. 😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒
24. "Where Is the Love?" - Hate me all you want, but there is no conceivable way this has aged well even by Peas standards. Yes, it's the type of "conscious" rapping critics and even long time fans of the group loved but oh good GOD is the hype not worth it in the end.
Fergie's vocals are subtle, will.i.am's rhymes are the least truncated and forced and Taboo and Apl got some attention. However, there is still better material from the Peas in the GOOD tier to come.
23. "Bebot" - Slight downgrade from "The Apl Song". Filipino pride is fantastic to show off, but this is not better than its predecessor. Not by a mile.
22. "Alive" - Surprisingly underappreciated gem from a critically mixed album.
21. "The Apl Song" - Still no OTSO OTSO, but this song earns highest of the EH tier simply because it gives Apl some spotlight and shows off some cultural pride.
GOOD
20. "The Best One Yet (The Boy)" - See
19. "Own It" - #17
18. "Light Up the Night" - For comments about The Beginning in general
17. "Fashion Beats" - Make no mistake, that despite 5 good songs coming from The Beginning, it is still the Peas' worst album by a mile and a half. At least with this accidental ripoff of "Fashion" [Confessions of a Shopaholic "Fashion" mind you] by Lady Gaga, the Peas actually made something interesting on their worst album.
16. "Fly Away" - Good
15. "The Boogie That Be" - But not great from Elephunk
14. "Like That" (featuring Q-Tip, Talib Kweli, CeeLo Green and John Legend) - Second verse
13. "Feel It" - Change Elephunk to Monkey Business
12. "Let's Get Retarded" - No, it didn't miss the Top 10 because of an "offensive" title. There's just 11 songs better than it because of the entire discography being judged. Still, the beat carries a lot of the weight and Fergie's singing is at some of her best.
11. "Shut Up" - Never fully released as a single in the U.S., it's still a catchy song that sadly lives on as a memory of Whitney Houston lipsyncing along to it on Being Bobby Brown. Still, Elephunk at large was will.i.am proving that Fergie would make the group breakthrough and for better and The Beginning, he was right.
10. "Just Can't Get Enough" - Yes, this is ahead of other Peas songs in the GOOD tier. At least the first 2:40 of it. The track change is a sin and a half that the Peas get deserved criticism for in this case. However, for those first 2:40 seconds, will.i.am, Fergie and the normally neglected Taboo actually get a chance to showcase what they suck the least at with music.
9. "Hey Mama" - The best of Elephunk can't crack the Top 5. Sorry, but I can at least get credit for not pandering to people by putting "Where Is the Love" here. "Hey Mama" is groovy, has the least awkward truncating of a rhyme from will.i.am on the album and has the most natural feel from Elephunk.
8. "Boom Boom Pow" - Kill me later, I know anything but bottom 5 has me being questioned by a lot of people. Here me out; while this song has some abysmal Fergie vocals and will.i.am trying to sound intimidating with "Here we go here we go/SATELITE RADIO/Y'ALL GET HIT WITH THE Boom Boom", "Boom Boom Pow" survived to the Top 10 because of the production...'s timing.
2009 would end up being the year that EDM/electronic/labeled "club" music would end up becoming the thing people would milk the living hell out of in years to come. The production fit right in with the David Guetta tracks that would surge on the radio. Timing is everything, otherwise, "Boom Boom Pow" would deserve its derision.
7. "I Gotta Feeling" - Yes, this song was on the radio for too many weeks. No, that doesn't make this a bad song. As with "Boom Boom Pow", this song got lucky due to timing. It's upbeat fun that you have to be in a good mood [read as "less pissed off at the world than normal"] to enjoy.
6. "Pump It" - High energy fun that has Apl sound like he is going the fuck in on a Peas song and in retrospect, might be him at his best. Also, Fergie's vocal runs are superb.
5. "Imma Be" - The beat change after the 2nd verse is what has this only at #5. Everything else about it; even the line "I'mma be a brother, but my name ain't Lehman/I'mma be ya banker loading out semen" doesn't detract from the overall appeal of the song. Fergie accidentally invented Meghan Trainor, but still; the beat work is just that damn addicting...even if it switches for no damn reason.
4. "Rock That Body" - It's like "Imma Be" but without the beat change and another instance of accidentally inventing Meghan Trainor; "Yeah, you could big boned, long as you feel like you on/You could be the model type, skinny with no appetite". Apl and Taboo actually get their...well least awkward is an honest way of giving them acclaim while not pretending like they were that essential, right? Anyway, of the intentionally upbeat songs from The E.N.D., this track rules over the rest.
3. "Meet Me Halfway" - If there's something that can overshadow upbeat fun, it's a song that can start with Apl after Fergie; also, this is some of Fergie's best singing across the Peas' albums and even her solo material. Modern BEP material peaked with The E.N.D. but with the Top 2 songs, creatively speaking? They kind of peaked on Monkey Business. Make no mistake, The E.N.D. still has their most viability and 5 songs in this Top 10.
2. "Don't Phunk with My Heart" - This came so close to winning. What cost it the victory? "If you smoke, I smoke too/That's how much I'm in love with you" 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩 Bad lyrics can really cost you when they need too. Still, there's a lot in this song's favor. will.i.am sounding like he still has enthusiasm in his music [that died in 2011 for what it's worth], Fergie using her coquettish vocals in the best way, Taboo getting some shine and even the tacky music video letting Apl be a ham.
WINNER - "Don't Lie" - Simply put, this is their best song ever. Even its lyrical duds are more boring and vague than bad and considering it's a Black Eyed Peas song, that is astounding. Still all four members get a chance to shine with Fergie's best singing, Apl and Taboo's most meaningful [if not boring and vague] lines and will.i.am winning most improved, read as "rhymes not as truncated on Elephunk".
THE ALBUMS: No, Behind the Front and Bridging the Gap don't count. No real single success nor relevance was gained. All four albums below are as they appear on Spotify. 60 songs enter and only one shall reign supreme above all else.
There will be three tiers; BAD for the lower 20, EH for the mediocre 20 and GOOD for the 20 best. "B", "E" and "G" will appear next to each song on the list so you can know which tier they'll end up in.
- Elephunk
1. "Hands Up" E
2. "Labor Day (It's a Holiday)" E
3. "Let's Get Retarded" G
4. "Hey Mama" G
5. "Shut Up" G
6. "Smells Like Funk" B
7. "Latin Girls" E
8. "Sexy" B
9. "Fly Away" G
10. "The Boogie That Be" G
11. "The Apl Song" E
12. "Anxiety" (with Papa Roach) B
13. "Where Is the Love?" E
14. "Let's Get it Started" [Spike Mix] B
15. "Third Eye" B
- Monkey Business
1. "Pump It" G
2. "Don't Phunk with My Heart" G
3. "My Style" (featuring Justin Timberlake and Timbaland) E
4. "Don't Lie" G
5. "My Humps" B
6. "Like That" (featuring Q-Tip, Talib Kweli, CeeLo Green and John Legend) G
7. "Dum Diddly" (featuring Dante Santiago) E
8. "Feel It" G
9. "Gone Going" (featuring Jack Johnson) B
10. "They Don't Want Music" (featuring James Brown) B
11. "Disco Club" B
12. "Bebot" E
13. "Ba Bump" E
14. "Audio Delite at Low Fidelity" E
15. "Union" (featuring Sting) B
- The E.N.D.
1. "Boom Boom Pow" G
2. "Rock That Body" G
3. "Meet Me Halfway" G
4. "Imma Be" G
5. "I Gotta Feeling" G
6. "Alive" E
7. "Missing You" B
8. "Ring-a-Ling" B
9. "Party All the Time" B
10. "Out of My Head" B
11. "Electric City" B
12. "Showdown" E
13. "Now Generation" E
14. "One Tribe" E
15. "Rockin to the Beat" E
- The Beginning ["Deluxe" version 😒]
1. "The Time (Dirty Bit)" B
2. "Light Up the Night" G
3. "Love You Long Time" B
4. "XOXOXO" B
5. "Someday" E
6. "Whenever" B
7. "Fashion Beats" G
8. "Don't Stop the Party" B
9. "Do It Like This" E
10. "The Situation" E
11. "The Coming" E
12. "Own It" G
13. "The Best One Yet (The Boy)" G
14. "Just Can't Get Enough" G
15. "Play It Loud" E
Now that each song has been tiered, time to fuck up the fun and rank each tier properly. Comments will appear at several points, so get comfortable.
BAD
60. "The Time (Dirty Bit)" - Creative pathways is the nicest way to describe what the song actually is; a hellhole of half-baked ideas and beat schemata that will.i.am had schlocked together because he didn't know what the hell to do with this song.
Taboo's omission from the song alongside Fergie's off key singing on the NON Auto-Tune parts of the song and just everything about this makes this The Black Eyed Peas' worst song in their discography.
59. "My Humps" - The lyrics are just names of jeans and Fergie having to play a gold-digging hoochie. Add in the clunky beat, the fact "My Humps" is said 9 times before the utterance of "my lovely lady lumps", it only took botching a sample of an 80s song to have this not be the worst song in their discography.
58. "Don't Stop the Party" - Please make it stop.
57. "Whenever" - Whatever, this song sucks too.
56. "XOXOXO" - NONONO is more like it.
55. "Love You Long Time" - If you're going to reference Full Metal Jacket, do it better than this song. The bar is as high as a mormon so you should succeed where the Peas have failed.
54. "Electric City" - At one point Fergie "sings" something to the effect of, "They ridin' on my dick/Think I'm a dildo" 😒🍆 Before any line from "M.I.L.F. $", this could've easily clenched the top spot of worse Fergie lines ever sung.
53. "Ring-a-Ling" - that one "My ding-a-ling" joke from The Simpsons but in song form.
52. "Missing You" - Not even on a milk carton.
51. "Party All the Time" - Eddie Murphy taught you nothing.
50. "Out of My Head" - Sadly, this song cannot escape my head.
49. "Third Eye" - I'd rather gouge my two own then give this pretentious crap another listen.
48. "Anxiety" (with Papa Roach) - One of two songs that suffer from soundclash. In this case, the Hip-Hop/Pop group against a hard rock act that in theory...seems weird already. I get stretching musical boundaries is needed for the appearance of versatility but this simply does not work on any level. Yes, there are songs worse than this, but make no mistake; this song sucks too.
47. "Smells Like Funk" - Presented without further comment.
46. "Gone Going" (featuring Jack Johnson) - The second of two songs with soundclash. This time, less talented Jason Mraz AKA Jack Johnson is brought along to play the same, rudimentary chords on his acoustic guitar for the Peas. What will.i.am and co. didn't realize was the fact they were calling out a fictional character for living shallow and not relating to people.
Music critics must have had aneurysms over the irony. Aside from that, this song while not as sonically atrocious as the others mentioned still sucks because of sub par content.
45. "They Don't Want Music" (featuring James Brown) - Presented without further comment.
44. "Union" (featuring Sting) - Too boring to point out the soundclash here as well.
43. "Disco Club" - Clunky, redundant but better than a lot of songs here.
42. "Sexy" - Anything but sexy is way more accurate.
41. "Let's Get it Started" [Spike Mix] - Censorship is wrong. The song is called "Let's Get Retarded" and it's in reference to dated slang in reference to having a damn good time. Still the same song that made the good tier, but the title alone earns a place in the bad tier.
EH
40. "Someday" - Not
39. "Do It Like This" - Worth
38. "The Situation" - Full
37. "The Coming" - Commenting
36. "Play It Loud" - Effort
35. "Ba Bump" - It barely makes a "ta thud".
34. "Audio Delite at Low Fidelity" - Boring but at least shows off one of the few times a Peas production can be decent on a strictly album cut.
33. "Latin Girls" - The poor man's "Senorita" by Justin Timberlake. It's one thing to sing about the type of person you're attracted to, but good GOD is will.i.am not smooth enough or lyrically deep enough to convey the message. Above average beat saves it from further evisceration.
32. "Hands Up" - Too boring to rip.
31. "Labor Day (It's a Holiday)" - Second verse, same as the first.
30. "Now Generation" - A song that attempts to reflect short-term satisfaction based society but ends up being a horribly dated technology/digital age inspited piece of dreck with barely above average beat work. The surprising amount of ambition behind it is the reason it ranks high. Also, "We are the now generation/We are the generation now" is a dumb lyric.
29. "One Tribe" - A humanist song that can be misconstrued as "colorblind" or "rose colored glasses" thinking when really it's just a diluted empowerment anthem. If I want to hear airy optimism, I'd look up Talim from Soul Calibur II's audio "I am one with the wind!" Concept alone is the reason it ranks this damn high.
28. "My Style" (featuring Justin Timberlake and Timbaland) - Boring pop/R&B on a Black Eyed Peas album...called "My Style".
27. "Dum Diddly" (featuring Dante Santiago) - Boneheaded but catchy enough to be in the EH tier while not awful enough for the BAD tier.
26. "Rockin to the Beat" - Inoffensive in theory as Taboo pretty much gets a song to himself...but GOOD GOD is it near mind numbing at times. Remember; there are such things as worse songs on this list.
25. "Showdown" - Good beat, a bit on the repetitive even by Peas standards, this could rank higher if not for the most eyebrow raising lyrics in their discography...
"Terrorize the funk call me Bootsy Al'Qaeda
I'll verify that I got lots of hoochies on data"
In case that was lost on you, will.i.am forced a bad pun with Bootsy Collins [funk musician/Christ figure in music] and terrorism. 😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒
24. "Where Is the Love?" - Hate me all you want, but there is no conceivable way this has aged well even by Peas standards. Yes, it's the type of "conscious" rapping critics and even long time fans of the group loved but oh good GOD is the hype not worth it in the end.
Fergie's vocals are subtle, will.i.am's rhymes are the least truncated and forced and Taboo and Apl got some attention. However, there is still better material from the Peas in the GOOD tier to come.
23. "Bebot" - Slight downgrade from "The Apl Song". Filipino pride is fantastic to show off, but this is not better than its predecessor. Not by a mile.
22. "Alive" - Surprisingly underappreciated gem from a critically mixed album.
21. "The Apl Song" - Still no OTSO OTSO, but this song earns highest of the EH tier simply because it gives Apl some spotlight and shows off some cultural pride.
GOOD
20. "The Best One Yet (The Boy)" - See
19. "Own It" - #17
18. "Light Up the Night" - For comments about The Beginning in general
17. "Fashion Beats" - Make no mistake, that despite 5 good songs coming from The Beginning, it is still the Peas' worst album by a mile and a half. At least with this accidental ripoff of "Fashion" [Confessions of a Shopaholic "Fashion" mind you] by Lady Gaga, the Peas actually made something interesting on their worst album.
16. "Fly Away" - Good
15. "The Boogie That Be" - But not great from Elephunk
14. "Like That" (featuring Q-Tip, Talib Kweli, CeeLo Green and John Legend) - Second verse
13. "Feel It" - Change Elephunk to Monkey Business
12. "Let's Get Retarded" - No, it didn't miss the Top 10 because of an "offensive" title. There's just 11 songs better than it because of the entire discography being judged. Still, the beat carries a lot of the weight and Fergie's singing is at some of her best.
11. "Shut Up" - Never fully released as a single in the U.S., it's still a catchy song that sadly lives on as a memory of Whitney Houston lipsyncing along to it on Being Bobby Brown. Still, Elephunk at large was will.i.am proving that Fergie would make the group breakthrough and for better and The Beginning, he was right.
10. "Just Can't Get Enough" - Yes, this is ahead of other Peas songs in the GOOD tier. At least the first 2:40 of it. The track change is a sin and a half that the Peas get deserved criticism for in this case. However, for those first 2:40 seconds, will.i.am, Fergie and the normally neglected Taboo actually get a chance to showcase what they suck the least at with music.
9. "Hey Mama" - The best of Elephunk can't crack the Top 5. Sorry, but I can at least get credit for not pandering to people by putting "Where Is the Love" here. "Hey Mama" is groovy, has the least awkward truncating of a rhyme from will.i.am on the album and has the most natural feel from Elephunk.
8. "Boom Boom Pow" - Kill me later, I know anything but bottom 5 has me being questioned by a lot of people. Here me out; while this song has some abysmal Fergie vocals and will.i.am trying to sound intimidating with "Here we go here we go/SATELITE RADIO/Y'ALL GET HIT WITH THE Boom Boom", "Boom Boom Pow" survived to the Top 10 because of the production...'s timing.
2009 would end up being the year that EDM/electronic/labeled "club" music would end up becoming the thing people would milk the living hell out of in years to come. The production fit right in with the David Guetta tracks that would surge on the radio. Timing is everything, otherwise, "Boom Boom Pow" would deserve its derision.
7. "I Gotta Feeling" - Yes, this song was on the radio for too many weeks. No, that doesn't make this a bad song. As with "Boom Boom Pow", this song got lucky due to timing. It's upbeat fun that you have to be in a good mood [read as "less pissed off at the world than normal"] to enjoy.
6. "Pump It" - High energy fun that has Apl sound like he is going the fuck in on a Peas song and in retrospect, might be him at his best. Also, Fergie's vocal runs are superb.
5. "Imma Be" - The beat change after the 2nd verse is what has this only at #5. Everything else about it; even the line "I'mma be a brother, but my name ain't Lehman/I'mma be ya banker loading out semen" doesn't detract from the overall appeal of the song. Fergie accidentally invented Meghan Trainor, but still; the beat work is just that damn addicting...even if it switches for no damn reason.
4. "Rock That Body" - It's like "Imma Be" but without the beat change and another instance of accidentally inventing Meghan Trainor; "Yeah, you could big boned, long as you feel like you on/You could be the model type, skinny with no appetite". Apl and Taboo actually get their...well least awkward is an honest way of giving them acclaim while not pretending like they were that essential, right? Anyway, of the intentionally upbeat songs from The E.N.D., this track rules over the rest.
3. "Meet Me Halfway" - If there's something that can overshadow upbeat fun, it's a song that can start with Apl after Fergie; also, this is some of Fergie's best singing across the Peas' albums and even her solo material. Modern BEP material peaked with The E.N.D. but with the Top 2 songs, creatively speaking? They kind of peaked on Monkey Business. Make no mistake, The E.N.D. still has their most viability and 5 songs in this Top 10.
2. "Don't Phunk with My Heart" - This came so close to winning. What cost it the victory? "If you smoke, I smoke too/That's how much I'm in love with you" 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩 Bad lyrics can really cost you when they need too. Still, there's a lot in this song's favor. will.i.am sounding like he still has enthusiasm in his music [that died in 2011 for what it's worth], Fergie using her coquettish vocals in the best way, Taboo getting some shine and even the tacky music video letting Apl be a ham.
WINNER - "Don't Lie" - Simply put, this is their best song ever. Even its lyrical duds are more boring and vague than bad and considering it's a Black Eyed Peas song, that is astounding. Still all four members get a chance to shine with Fergie's best singing, Apl and Taboo's most meaningful [if not boring and vague] lines and will.i.am winning most improved, read as "rhymes not as truncated on Elephunk".
Saturday, December 3, 2016
It's The End of the Year (And We Know It)
I should've been above a dated reference to an allegedly good music act called R.E.M. but alas, here we are. As to why this blog hasn't really put out anything besides responses/promotion for singer/songwriter/LGBTQ activist/hot dork/the man of my dreams Steve Grand & the other minimal content at best...I'll be honest. Shit just went left for a mix of personal reasons and the fact that this year was kind of the worst outside Twitter*.
*Yes, things felt bad outside of the place on the internet which is pretty much best described as "Facebook with the option to block.
Blog-wise, lack of motivation and feeling drained with not much to say really did get to me.
[NOTE: if you must absolutely have some type of idea as to what caused this early in the year imagine expecting to graduate from college but hearing the family talk ad nauseam about an expected first grandchild that was two months or so from birth. Almost selfish as fuck to admit I felt upstaged by a baby's birth when I was about to graduate with a Bachelor's in Communication, but I was swept aside like that and up until Thanksgiving I loathed family connection.]
[NOTE 2: OK, also I did try to get Steve Grand to play something in San Antonio working with his booking agent and while cooperative at first, I never heard back from said agent after giving 4 locations knowing one of them would probably be a miss by the time I had found some information. Any feelings related to resentment, jealousy and bitterness (What the children might call "salty"/"saltiness") are things I should work on but I'm a case where holding in these feelings is bad.]
Near morbid notes aside, I honestly didn't conceptualize more than what's been on the blog thus far. I've been out of it and have had no outlet other participating in album rates for a pop music subreddit called /r/popheads. It's this constant feeling of being swept aside so much...ew, this is turning into a manifesto.
Positive notes as of late is getting into Todd In the Shadows and The Cinema Snob videos (Rage against bad music and movies respectively, makes my soul smile.) So, I am thinking of doing my version of a year end list of bad music where in list form, my rage against bad music can be...a sign that I'm not holding in bad feelings anymore. That aside, I'll do a set of HOPES 'N DREAMS regarding as to what I hope happens in 2017. It won't be pretty, but if overrated sex symbols have taught me anything, you don't have to be pretty to be well received.
HOPES 'N DREAMS: Music can actually be criticized even if names like Beyoncé are being brought up. Poptimism must die in 2017 because it's sadly not dying in 2016 like anything or anyone else [The GRAMMYs In Memoriam section is going to be a bitch for all involved.]
- Speaking of Beyoncé, I hope her marketing team for radio singles actually do their fucking job for the next album. If 12 singles chart on the Billboard Hot 100 and none of them crack higher than #10 and the only song to maintain momentum peaked at #11, you can kiss my ass claiming this was an achievement worth bragging about.
Also, I dream of the day the Beyhive can shut the hell up about that Glorified HBO Special acting like it deserved an Emmy. It was an incomplete "visual album" as "Formation" was omitted visually and vocally as only a poorly looped instrumental was played over the credits. Side note: shut up about "Daddy Lessons", "Love Drought" or really any song from that Glorified HBO Special not named "Hold Up" and "Formation". Talk about the good songs
- I hope and dream that Frank Ocean apologizes for that unorganized, chaotic mess known as Blonde/Blond/should've stayed Boys, Don't Cry because Blonde/Blond is a stupid album name.
His marketing sucks too [and he no longer has an idle Def Jam label to blame] as a magazine called "Blonde"/"Blond" would've at least had people try to make better sense out of the magazine. See, "Blonde" would've at least conjured up someone challenging Western societal standards of beauty, race relations and masculinity from Ocean's POV as a black bisexual man. Seriously, the fact there's a fucking magazine only edition of the album is already aggravating but at least calling the magazine "Blonde" would have made way better sense.
As for the music? "Pink + White" is the only song I can honestly say is anything worth a remote damn about. Everything else is an uneven blob of textured beats with half assed vocal delivery and falsettos so bum, I heard them ask for spare change.
- I hope "bad" means the worst and not just "pointless" with critics. Todd In the Shadows, The Cinema Snob and pretty much every other critic is guilty of this mentality of "bad" no longer meaning the worst thing that pissed them off the most or making them unhappiest. No instead, there's this weird and disgustingly wrong definition that "bad" is the "absence of good" [think like "dark" is "the absence of light" 😒]
From now on, if music or movies have to be subject to Worst Of lists, stick to the correct guidelines. Songs/albums that are horribly constructed, poorly sung or simply piss you off, put them on your list in order of bad to worst as #1. Same principle for movies; the movie that's THE WORST; acting/editing/anything that makes a movie suck is to top the list of the worst.
You are not predictable/blase, if you put something that is absolute trash at the top of a Worst of list. That's how it's supposed to work.
- I hope that Steve Grand covers good songs in the near future. I've bitched about this before and this time it's inspired from an appearance as the guest of the Halloweenie creators on a UBN Radio show [Which by the way, is hosted by a Ross Matthews wannabe who called Steve a model and earned my ire for not bothering to research into the fact that because Steve was never signed to a modelling agency and made pennies on the quarters for the work he did, he was never really a model.]
"Million Reasons" can be the 4th Gaga song I dream of him covering along with the 50+ other suggestions I've blogged about. Once he gave an idea that he intends on a cover album before the sophomore album [#PrayForSG2] I was intrigued...before being slightly defeated at this utterance; "Some of my favorite covers over the last five decades..."
OH MY GAGA, if I want to hear covers of either songs I don't know or care about with songs from today I can't stomach at large, I'd watch The Voice again. In fact, I could make a separate blog post as to why Steve being on The Voice would be a bad idea. That aside, he deserves this much; coverage from outlets and not just me and coverage from outlets smart enough to realize he isn't country.
Apart from everything else, I hope and dream of happiness, sex and/or love alongside success in 2017. See you on the other side.💖
*Yes, things felt bad outside of the place on the internet which is pretty much best described as "Facebook with the option to block.
Blog-wise, lack of motivation and feeling drained with not much to say really did get to me.
[NOTE: if you must absolutely have some type of idea as to what caused this early in the year imagine expecting to graduate from college but hearing the family talk ad nauseam about an expected first grandchild that was two months or so from birth. Almost selfish as fuck to admit I felt upstaged by a baby's birth when I was about to graduate with a Bachelor's in Communication, but I was swept aside like that and up until Thanksgiving I loathed family connection.]
[NOTE 2: OK, also I did try to get Steve Grand to play something in San Antonio working with his booking agent and while cooperative at first, I never heard back from said agent after giving 4 locations knowing one of them would probably be a miss by the time I had found some information. Any feelings related to resentment, jealousy and bitterness (What the children might call "salty"/"saltiness") are things I should work on but I'm a case where holding in these feelings is bad.]
Near morbid notes aside, I honestly didn't conceptualize more than what's been on the blog thus far. I've been out of it and have had no outlet other participating in album rates for a pop music subreddit called /r/popheads. It's this constant feeling of being swept aside so much...ew, this is turning into a manifesto.
Positive notes as of late is getting into Todd In the Shadows and The Cinema Snob videos (Rage against bad music and movies respectively, makes my soul smile.) So, I am thinking of doing my version of a year end list of bad music where in list form, my rage against bad music can be...a sign that I'm not holding in bad feelings anymore. That aside, I'll do a set of HOPES 'N DREAMS regarding as to what I hope happens in 2017. It won't be pretty, but if overrated sex symbols have taught me anything, you don't have to be pretty to be well received.
HOPES 'N DREAMS: Music can actually be criticized even if names like Beyoncé are being brought up. Poptimism must die in 2017 because it's sadly not dying in 2016 like anything or anyone else [The GRAMMYs In Memoriam section is going to be a bitch for all involved.]
- Speaking of Beyoncé, I hope her marketing team for radio singles actually do their fucking job for the next album. If 12 singles chart on the Billboard Hot 100 and none of them crack higher than #10 and the only song to maintain momentum peaked at #11, you can kiss my ass claiming this was an achievement worth bragging about.
Also, I dream of the day the Beyhive can shut the hell up about that Glorified HBO Special acting like it deserved an Emmy. It was an incomplete "visual album" as "Formation" was omitted visually and vocally as only a poorly looped instrumental was played over the credits. Side note: shut up about "Daddy Lessons", "Love Drought" or really any song from that Glorified HBO Special not named "Hold Up" and "Formation". Talk about the good songs
- I hope and dream that Frank Ocean apologizes for that unorganized, chaotic mess known as Blonde/Blond/should've stayed Boys, Don't Cry because Blonde/Blond is a stupid album name.
His marketing sucks too [and he no longer has an idle Def Jam label to blame] as a magazine called "Blonde"/"Blond" would've at least had people try to make better sense out of the magazine. See, "Blonde" would've at least conjured up someone challenging Western societal standards of beauty, race relations and masculinity from Ocean's POV as a black bisexual man. Seriously, the fact there's a fucking magazine only edition of the album is already aggravating but at least calling the magazine "Blonde" would have made way better sense.
As for the music? "Pink + White" is the only song I can honestly say is anything worth a remote damn about. Everything else is an uneven blob of textured beats with half assed vocal delivery and falsettos so bum, I heard them ask for spare change.
- I hope "bad" means the worst and not just "pointless" with critics. Todd In the Shadows, The Cinema Snob and pretty much every other critic is guilty of this mentality of "bad" no longer meaning the worst thing that pissed them off the most or making them unhappiest. No instead, there's this weird and disgustingly wrong definition that "bad" is the "absence of good" [think like "dark" is "the absence of light" 😒]
From now on, if music or movies have to be subject to Worst Of lists, stick to the correct guidelines. Songs/albums that are horribly constructed, poorly sung or simply piss you off, put them on your list in order of bad to worst as #1. Same principle for movies; the movie that's THE WORST; acting/editing/anything that makes a movie suck is to top the list of the worst.
You are not predictable/blase, if you put something that is absolute trash at the top of a Worst of list. That's how it's supposed to work.
- I hope that Steve Grand covers good songs in the near future. I've bitched about this before and this time it's inspired from an appearance as the guest of the Halloweenie creators on a UBN Radio show [Which by the way, is hosted by a Ross Matthews wannabe who called Steve a model and earned my ire for not bothering to research into the fact that because Steve was never signed to a modelling agency and made pennies on the quarters for the work he did, he was never really a model.]
"Million Reasons" can be the 4th Gaga song I dream of him covering along with the 50+ other suggestions I've blogged about. Once he gave an idea that he intends on a cover album before the sophomore album [#PrayForSG2] I was intrigued...before being slightly defeated at this utterance; "Some of my favorite covers over the last five decades..."
OH MY GAGA, if I want to hear covers of either songs I don't know or care about with songs from today I can't stomach at large, I'd watch The Voice again. In fact, I could make a separate blog post as to why Steve being on The Voice would be a bad idea. That aside, he deserves this much; coverage from outlets and not just me and coverage from outlets smart enough to realize he isn't country.
Apart from everything else, I hope and dream of happiness, sex and/or love alongside success in 2017. See you on the other side.💖
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