Monday, August 18, 2014

Dishonor Roll: Where These Songs Would've Fallen

Two posts ago I made a list of the worst songs in the past 34 years. I mentioned these songs as a special dishonorable mentions list and have decided to put these in the order they would've made the list had I made it more than 30. For posterity here are the songs from that list...

"Viva La Vida" by Coldplay
"Work" by Iggy Azalea
"#thatPOWER" by ft. Justin Bieber
"Scream & Shout" by ft. Britney Spears
"The Time (Dirty Bit)" by the Black Eyed Peas
"Not Myself Tonight" by Christina Aguilera
"Chandelier" by Sia
"Girls Are More Fun" by Ray Parker Jr.
"Pumps and A Bump" by MC Hammer
"Wiggle" by Jason Derulo ft. Snoop Dogg
"Take Your Mama" by Scissor Sisters
"Apologize", "Counting Stars" and "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic
"RUDE!" by Magic
"Toy Soldier" by Martika
"Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis

Now, it's time to unveil 45-31 to the Worst Songs of the Past 34 years...

45. "Toy Soldier" by Martika - Released in the 80s and heralded thanks to perceived political commentary bullshit, this song is just tacky. No surprise to note she's a one hit wonder who in the 90s went down in flames for a track called [and I'm not kidding here] "Martika's Kitchen". As for "Toy Soldier" the air of pretension along with sub-par production value makes it a song not worth a second listen.

44. "Pumps and A Bump" by MC Hammer - When reinvention goes awry. His career hit a downfall after his financial situation left him tiger-fucked. In an attempt to reinvent himself from the "U Can't Touch This" days of his career, he made an ill-advised attempt at the budding genre of Gangsta Rap. "Pumps and A Bump" is something of an inadvertent prelude to "My Humps" but this song had a touch more subtext if any at all. Add in a lackluster music video and a fabricated image [alongside the song being shit] and MC Hammer's music career would be dead and buried.

43. "The Time (Dirty Bit)" by the Black Eyed Peas - Remakes of songs are a dicey proposition and in the case of "The Time (Dirty Bit)" it went downhill quickly. A revamped version of the Dirty Dancing theme song "The Time", the Black Eyed Peas made one of the biggest stinkers of their career. Auto-tune abuse, a horribly directed music video, Fergie fucking up a singing section sans auto-tune and one of the worst instrumentals in recorded music make this flat out bad.

42. "Work" by Iggy Azalea - Long before she pulled the #8 worst song of the past 34 years, the model turned twerk obsessed poser of the rap game had this song out. A chorus uttered ad nauseam, half baked lyrics and an overall unpleasant vibe began the rise of this recording act (Something I will not forgive the public for making happen anytime soon)

41. "#thatPOWER" by ft. Justin Bieber - A singer/producer with less than stellar solo footing alongside one of the most maligned recording artists in recent memory? That along with starting the trend of putting the symbol "#" in a song [For those who want an explanation: the "#" is used as a trending topic on Twitter. figured out a way to shamelessly pimp a song in a way that some artists have followed suit] and displeasure on so many levels, this is fucking terrible.

40. "Scream & Shout" by ft. Britney Spears - However, his worst solo single was in the #3 on the Hot 100 collaborative effort with Britney Spears around her time as an X Factor judge. Lethargic vocals, poor lyrics, a generic music video and having part of Britney's vocals being sung by an unknown source have this as his worst offense to music.

39. "Wiggle" by Jason Derulo ft. Snoop Dogg - A case of mainstream success going bad, fast. Although Jason Derulo had had levels of success prior to this song and the lead single before that "Talk Dirty" ft. 2 Chainz, he never quite had the sensationalism he does now. In this song's case that's a major problem. "Wiggle" suffers from unbelievably poor lyrics ["Hot dammit; your booty's like two planets!; go 'head, go ham sandwich"] to a below passable rap from the otherwise exceptional Snoop Dogg and a questionable in quality instrumental.

38. "Girls Are More Fun" by Ray Parker Jr. - The song from the Ghostbusters theme creator that had homophobic overtones to it. The 80s were a somewhat weird time. Being openly gay wasn't quite as accepted as it is today. "Girls Are More Fun" offered anti-gay drivel such as "The world is confused, you read it in the news. Every day they’re finding something new." and even worse "To those of you who’ve gone the other way … girls are more fun!" Trite like this getting the time of day was just lurid.

37. "RUDE!" by Magic - A recent offering to radio that should've had the music gods smite the act. Instead, this undeserved #1 song is by an act that fakes reggae/ska vibes and insists on marrying someone right this minute. -_- Petulant vocals, ad nauseam rhythm and a schtick that reads low rate No Doubt cover band, let's at least take mercy on Magic when they end up a One-Hit Wonder group.

36. "Apologize", "Counting Stars" and "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic - The sins of Ryan Tedder are enough to warrant a list of their own. Yet with OneRepublic, the biggest sins are in the form of these three songs. "Stop and Stare" being the most pretentious of the three, this is a misguided attempt at self-expression. "Counting Stars" is a song that won't die having gone to #2 on the Hot 100 and is the most irritating of the three [bonus hate for the lyrics "We won't be counting dollars; we'll be counting stars" BOOOOOOOOOOOO!]
Yet the most egregious effort from the group is "Apologize". Even with Timbaland to assist in production, it cannot salvage or mask the fact, Tedder's vocals and lyrics are just terrible.

35. "Not Myself Tonight" by Christina Aguilera - Another case of artist reinvention gone terribly wrong. For her infamous effort Bionic, Aguilera released this in an attempt to shake up her image from Back to Basics. On top of the hypersexual imagery conveyed in the video was garish, atrocious singing was on the song and the re-branding a complete miss as Bionic was tiger-fucked in sales.

34. "Chandelier" by Sia - There is no justification for a song this horribly sung. Despite being a song about battling alcoholism, the vocal caterwauling and horribly repetitive chorus make this beyond unpleasant. Add in a pretentious music video featuring Maddie from the TV show Dance Moms in a cheap blonde wig"dancing".

33. "Take Your Mama" by Scissor Sisters - Nothing earns my ire more than overrated retro 80s chic. The known single of the Jake Shears lead group prior to the non-mainstream hit "Let's Have a Ki Ki", "Take Your Mama" just doesn't make any goddamn sense. On top of the try-hard vocals and 80s sound, it should serve as no surprise that the Scissor Sisters never quite found footing in the U.S. Maybe if the group made better music, then it could be different.

32. "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay - The Chris Martin lead band never released fantastic singles; even with the fluke single success of "Yellow", nothing of Coldplay really indicated talented vocals or decent instrumentals. "Viva La Vida" is concrete proof of this as its singing is delivered with airs of pretension, its music video being a trite attempt at literal artistic expression and references to St. Peter were made [this isn't blasting it for counts of blasphemy; just pretension]. Add in a really convoluted lawsuit history where still unknown band Creaky Boards, unknown singer Joe Satriani and used to be named Cat Stevens claimed "Viva La Vida" swagger-jacked them all.

31. "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis - The worst of the rest is the debut single from UK X Factor S3 winner, Leona Lewis. Easily, this is the tackiest love song of the past 20 years. It also has the one of the most inane choruses in music; "You cut me open and I; keep bleeding; keep, keep bleeding love." On top of an already maudlin chorus came the lack of range and versatility in Lewis' voice. Subsequent singles haven't done much to help her, but remembering this trainwreck of a song is clear as to why that's been the case.


"Shady Love" by Scissor Sisters ft. Krystal Pepsy - Intended to be the lead single from their most recent effort Magic Hour, Jake Shears and co. decided to enlist assistance from Azealia Banks. However, not only did Banks not receive credit for her contributions to the song, the featured spot went to Jake Shears' rap alter-ego Krystal Pepsy. Apart from screwing over a guest artist, this song is poorly executed with the video being even worse; a children's play being performed with lyrics such as "I don't know what drugs is she on/
She gon' bring her friends and we go'n/ Hand in hand that's word to reach on/ I got the purp and the -rizzilific/HE WANNA GET SENTIMENTAL WITH SHIT" playing in the background.

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