Welcome to the 2nd ever rate reveal for Unintentionally RATESist where we find out how Undiscovered, Willa Was Here and Paris measure up against one another.
Today, we take out the trash and subpar material alike and chop #39 to #21. After the DEAD LAST LOSER, there are two scores of 0 before we move into the 1-4 material and even two scores of 5 to face the ax. As with last time, singles outrank album tracks unless the tracks are better or the single blows.
*NOTE: Because these albums were previously discussed upon, my comments from that will be appearing. Hey, most of these albums are recycled so I can recycle too.*
As to what constitutes the last place song this time? Nothing says begging for last place than trying to split the difference with a coming of age song and a "look at my hot body" song.
DEAD LAST LOSER
39. Brooke Hogan - Beautiful Transformation: 0 the first artist to take a hit is Brooke Hogan and no song is more deserving of last place status than this fucking dumpster fire. This is like a mansplained version of Britney's "I'm Not A Girl...Not Yet a Woman" down to the creepy shit someone had Brooke sing for the first 0:49 seconds.
*Or is it a predator written version of "I'm a Slave 4 U"...I can't tell when it comes to rewrites of a Britney song but without the sharp lyrical nuance or the ability to not sound like the creepiest shit this side of Lolita.*
Now onto the trash that while still bad isn't as atrocious as the last entry.
38. Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind: 0 Paris takes its first hit of the rate with its worst song now having been chopped 2nd to last. Her only hit song as it peaked at #18 on the Hot 100. See what fame from a sex tape and reality TV show fame can bring? The beat is more bubblegum than the typical Storch tinkering, but Paris' vocals are all hers (That's not a compliment this time.)
She's a competent vocalist in the most generous sense of the word. Lyrical pyrite [meaning the lyrics suck at large] and slight ambition gone awry on the bridge reminds us that if Paris' music career was meant to last on a scale where people were supposed to care, she needed a lot of work. Specifically, having more than one style of delivery of the songs. Her style is best described as "Laissez-faire, nonchalant rich girl." Like what Selena Gomez does now except for all the serious money to Paris' name.
37. Brooke Hogan - Low Rider Jeans: 0 getting the last 0 wedgie is the other bit of dumpster fire from Undiscovered. Be warned; what this song does to a sample of "Lowrider" by War is considered a hate crime to LULAC. In 3 seconds, this song manages to sour the mood when apparently, a nickname for the fashion staple of the early to mid 00s, low rider jeans is "dun-dun-dun-duns".
"Hey guys, have you seen my dun-dun-dun-duns?"
- Brooke Hogan, souring the mood on her album
Just when you thought that was the worst part...then the song starts. Not even a minute in, I had had enough of this shoddily thrown together album and its bad sample work. "Low Rider Jeans hug a little tighter" is not the most disturbing thing said on this album but it's certainly the least palatable.
Now with the 0s out of the way, time for the 1-4 parade of trash to subpar material. YAY...first to get hit in this category...
36. Brooke Hogan - Heaven Baby (ft. Beenie Man): 1 this will not end well for Brooke today. Another product of its time but this time with the added bonus of disturbing lyrics. "I could wear you on my sleeve/Even when you're makin' me bleed". *record scratch* what the fuck? Without considering the fact this sounds like an omen for "(Flex) All In My Head" by Fifth Harmony, this is bad.
35. Brooke Hogan - Dance Alone (ft. Nox): 2 another song from Undiscovered to get its kneecaps busted, it's a song that had me beg this question; Oh dear GOD who allowed someone to use a Street Fighter midi file on this song? [Like this is when you fight DeeJay in Hyper Street Fighter II] Wait, this is like "Una Noche" by 98 Degrees but a tackier rewrite of it. Brooke again is relegated to the Ashanti role of hook girl on her own song.
34. Brooke Hogan - My Number (ft. $tacks): 2 yikes, Brooke's album is getting its ass kicked but considering what's been chopped, it's what the album deserves. Hogan's vocals aren't the worst thing ever, but this production and pop act matchup was really bad. Not that I was expecting lyrical depth on this album but who the fuck would ever sing "I'm gonna write my information on this napkin" to a diluted urban/pop beat?
33. Paris Hilton - Not Leaving Without You: 2 and Paris' album takes its 2nd hit with this trash getting the ax. Paris' monotonous vocal emissions even surrounded with great pop production, are really annoying. The party girl persona wore thin about 7 tracks ago.
32. Paris Hilton - Heartbeat: 3 the 3rd hit delivered to Paris' album and all I can remember saying is I swear I heard this crappy 80s pop beat before.
31. Brooke Hogan - One Sided Love: 3 taking a 6th direct hit is Undiscovered. "One Sided Love"? More like "Lop Sided Album", but cute guess. Quick math lesson, kids: Danity Kane demo + that sheen of a white girl MySpace page = this song.
Breaking in the Top 30 is...
30. Willa Ford - Dare: 3 after a lucky break for nine entries, Willa Was Here finally takes a hit as its weakest track is swiftly kicked in the ass. For the U.S. market, this is the closing track of the album. Nobody is really going to emerge from this unscathed. Willa's album is at least the most consistent of the bad girl bubblegum pop side of stripper-pop. This song however, is a poor closer track. Stick this in the middle of the album with the other half-baked syrupy productions.
Time for a bit of 4play where the next seven cuts are all the scores of 4. First to get knucklefucked in this category is...
29. Paris Hilton - Screwed: 4 Paris takes its 4th hit of the rate. The only thing of rote regarding this song is a short but messy feud between Hilton and failed act Haylie Duff. Duff had supposedly recorded this song first but Paris ended up with it and once it was on Paris, Duff was furious with her and it pretty much lived as a tidbit of "news" on VH1.
The song itself is fine but just as empty and beige as most of the blatant skank culture pop.
Now on to the others...
28. Willa Ford - Tender: 4 So much for that planned route to easy street as Willa Was Here takes its 2nd chincheck of the rate. Ugh, another stripper-pop by way of bad girl bubblegum pop ballad. Ford is surprisingly adept especially considering her limited skillset, but this ballad is indeed tender...because it's limp.
27. Brooke Hogan - Next Time: 4...score and a 7th blow to the chin for Brooke's album. Spoiler, her album is dated as hell and I will be mentioning that a lot. This isn't the worst direction for Brooke's album to go, but this sounds like a Cassie reject [or a very rough demo of "Long Way 2 Go"].
26. Brooke Hogan - Certified: 4 and now 8 songs down in the dumps is Undiscovered. How can I make this easy on us all having witnessed this ongoing beatdown...*remembers this is the iTunes bonus track*. NEXT.
25. Willa Ford - Prince Charming: 4 Willa's album takes its 3rd hit of the rate losing one of the subpar pieces of trash to its name. The most 00s sounding pop beat imaginable...like the four chords of pop but only this beat was used for Britney, Christina, N*SYNC, Dream...pretty much, this beat is like the spirit stick from Bring it On. Thankfully, this doesn't Torrance it, but the lyrics are so syrupy and saccharine.
24. Willa Ford - Don't You Wish: 4 and off the hook for Day 1 after this 4th hit to the chin is Willa Ford's album. This is like if Britney could get more airplay on R&B stations. Yeah, this song is all "leave her for me" but without the misguided charm Taylor Swift had for "You Belong with Me".
23. Brooke Hogan - Love You, Hate You: 4 a 9th hit to the chin already? I'm betting you the reader can already tell Brooke's album is gonna be the lowest scoring one of the rate. In case you're wondering, yes indeed. Brooke. Hogan. had a song that sampled the piano that would later appear on a Jay Z song...again...Brooke. Hogan. was ahead of Jay Z in terms of scoring samples on her album.
Sadly, the song that got a wonderful sample falls short of being good. It worms its way to decent [and kind of sounding like a "No Air" by Jordin Sparks wannabe.]
The last scores of the day are 5s. But which two 5s bite the dust? First up is...
22. Paris Hilton - Turn You On: 5 and off the hook for Day 1 is Paris' album whose 5th hit to the chin is its last for Day 1. Paris should be given credit for being able to coo in certain keys. Granted, singing in differing keys would be better but I'll take what I can get from this free gift with purchase of a fragrance of an album.
And the last song to die today is...the 10th bitchslap delivered to Undiscovered.
21. Brooke Hogan - Incognito: 5 It's finally over for Brooke as her last song chopped still managed a #21 finish. Certainly higher than I thought...out of the Day 1 trash and subpar shit getting the ax. Manufactured guitar licks mixed with half-assed bleep-bloop noises aren't normally worth castigating but considering this is the non bonus track penultimate song, it's unacceptable to have this towards the end of the album.
At least try to reach a high note; even if she were to miss it in spectacular fashion, she would be trying something new on this album.
And Day 1 is complete...despite the absolute tiger-fucking towards Undiscovered, it and the other two albums are at a 6:8:6 ratio respectively. Here's what's still vying for a Top 10 finish and a spot on the Podium/Top 3...
the CNN reported survivors of the Undiscovered massacre: About Us, For a Moment, My Space, All About Me, Letting Go & Crazy Love.
Willa Was Here: I Wanna Be Bad, Did Ya' Understand That, Ooh Ooh, Tired, Joke's On You, Somebody Take The Pain Away, Haunted Heart & All The Right Moves.
Paris: Turn It Up, Fightin' Over Me, I Want You, Jealousy, Nothing In This World & Do Ya Think I'm Sexy.
Day 2 will come tomorrow at some point in that day.
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