Yes, there are better things to do with time than relay thoughts of the surprise VH1 hit, Hit the Floor, but with a Season 2 finale that's more head-scratching than it was entertaining, this will look at the logistics of all possible endings as to who killed Olivia Vincent.
First thing's first, a primer for those who don't know of the show. Originally, Hit the Floor was a soap opera like show revolving around Ahsha Hayes [played by former LA Lakers dancer, Taylour Paige] and her finally getting to dance for the premier basketball team, the LA Devils. Ahsha's naivete was soon destroyed by meeting her idol Jelena Howard [played by actress and BRATZ doll come to life, Logan Browning] and discovering that Jelena is just an evil bitch. Throw in her mother and original Devil Girl turned Devil Girls coach Sloane [played by Kimberly Elise]; a best friend whose there despite getting cut from the team, Raquel [played by Valery Ortiz]; a whore with a heart of gold Kyle [played by Katherine Bailess] and ex-boyfriend but still friends even though they now work in the same place, German [played by Jonathan McDaniel] and her immediate circle is complete.
Other characters include, party-boy Derek [played by McKinley Freeman] who was Ahsha's love interest for most of S2; Jelena's ex (or are they back together) Terrence [played by Robert Christopher Riley]; Ruthless "businessman" and owner of the LA Devils, Oscar [played by Don Stark] and former LA Devil turned head coach (always lush) Pete [played by Dean Cain].
Season 2 started with new characters and the killing off of one major character. New character one is the cocky at first but secretly damaged sexual manipulator Zero (aka Gideon) [played by Adam Senn]. New character two is the son of Oscar, Jude [played by Brent Antonello] who's Zero's agent and maybe S3 lover. The character killed off was Olivia Vincent [played by Charlotte Ross], who up until meeting hardwood floor, and found by her husband Chase Vincent [played by Rick Fox] was the Devil Girls dance coach who fought for Ahsha against Jelena. Apparently, Olivia had had it with most of the characters as red envelopes had made way to those whose secrets could not be kept in...oooooooooooh O_o
The Season 2 finale revealed that out of possible alternate endings (via the aftershow) of Jelena, Kyle, Derek, Jude, Raquel, Ahsha and Zero...the murderer of Olivia Vincent was...German. O_O Thoughts of Oscar doing it were wiped away the episode before the finale when photos of Jelena, Kyle, Derek and Jude were shown with the note reading "I'm not going to jail for something someone else did." The fact it was German is...shocking and a bit stupid. Out of the confirmed possible endings, let's look from most bullshit ridden to "it had to have been them!"...
Ahsha- This possible ending made no goddamn sense even with this possible explanation: back in S1, Olivia had Ahsha tell the world that Pete was her father in order to gain more votes than Jelena to cheer in the All-Stars game for that Devils season. Even if by some slim margin of validity in the notion that Ahsha took this long to retaliate against Olivia by killing her...makes no sense. She lived with the outcome and Ahsha is too goddamn nice even when she puts people in their place.
Raquel- The "secret" against Raquel was that she is undocumented. First off, it's racist as fuck to have the only Latina cast member play someone whose secret is that they're undocumented. Second, here's a better "secret" that could've been used against her; since working at the Devils Playground [bar], Raquel could've been stealing money from the register to care for Miguel. Even then, her murdering Olivia would've made no fucking sense. No one undocumented would make this much of a fuss.
Derek- The "secret" ties in with Jude in that Derek was receiving cocaine from Jude as he was dealing on the side. While the Viking "principle" of "kill all witnesses" makes sense, Derek was already arrested for possession of cocaine in S2 (and proceeded to put it in Ahsha's purse thus ending their relationship) so he was already busted (and celebrity released) for the thing that maybe could've resulted in a motive for killing Olivia.
Jude- Speaking of Jude, his ending sort of made sense in an episode where he said something to the effect of "the things I've done for that man [Oscar]". Yet his character development was centered mainly on trying to pimp Zero (and get some from Zero) and the mercenary complex to appease his father (who would disown him for Zeroing in on...Zero) would've been flat and unsatisfying.
Kyle- This could've made sense if not for the glaring plot points previous in Kyle's story; getting out of debt from a schmuck who held her divorce papers from the dude she bailed out in S1; getting involved with who killed Mia crime-solving and being Oscar's wire...for rigging negotiations in his favor. The thing that could've set Kyle off is the notion that Olivia knew all of all her dalliances for Oscar.
Zero- This makes 50% sense considering the "shield lover" theory. Zero overheard Jude and Derek attempt a joint alibi to cover up their cocaine dalliances. After only divulging of Terrence's injury to a gossip blog, it's possible Zero could've killed Olivia to protect Jude. However, this was more of a reciprocation of loving gesture (in the business I made up, this is the "shield lover" theory) and Jude would've easily covered his ass the minute before he would've been caught.
Jelena- Why the murderer wasn't Jelena, I have no clue. She had "secrets" against her that stacked up like so...contaminating Terrence's urine sample with a performing enhancing drug...in turn bungling a trade between two organizations; purchasing said agent in the first place; possible illegal business practices of obtaining 10% of the Devils franchise. On top of being an evil bitch to Ahsha, Sloane, Raquel, the milkman, Terrence, Zero, the mailman, anyone who's not named Jelena, etc...it made sense why she should've been the murderer. Olivia had wazoos of dirt on her and Jelena had to silence her.
My theory until Oscar disavowed himself of involvement was that he paid off Jelena to kill Olivia to protect from his shady business deals involving the new stadium for the LA Devils. In exchange, she gets that damn 10% of the franchise.
Interestingly, the cast had a different (and very wrong) idea: Sloane killed Olivia. -_- Let's discuss why that idea is so full of shit, the toilet's suing for plagiarism. First off, Sloane only reappeared in the Devils world to shield Ahsha from the same type of end a dancer named Mia [played by Johanna Braddy] met at the hands of Oscar. On top of that, she had already known back in S1 that Olivia was the reason Ahsha ever divulged the information of Pete being her father anyway. She only verbal hatred for Olivia and couldn't kill her. Compound that with Pete's alcohol problem nearly killing him towards the end of the season and it just makes no sense as to the theory that a Nancy Drew type character would be so conflicted, they try to absolve themselves of one crime by solving another.
As for whatever skeletons German had in his closet, that's for S3 to attempt to uncover. Until then, I'll be wondering what the hell kind of ending the show underwent this season.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
The WORST Songs of the Past 34 Years
Thirty-four years of music has provided the public with an array of intended groove, vocal and instrumental pleasure. These songs are not qualified to be considered as erratic vocal patterns due to their levels of suck.
Behold; the double digit countdown of the most egregious offenses in music of the past 34 years (Or since the 1980s if arithmetics made you sleepy.)
NOTE: If most of the songs mentioned seem to be from the same decade, it just ended up that way. I tried hard to keep it from the 80s, 90s and 00s and even a little from the 10s...but the list ended up that way.
30. "Forget Me Nots" by Patrice Rushen - Sadly, this is her most successful song. However, due to the fact that the song has not aged well and that her vocals are way too subdued makes this a case of pity more than outright "KILL IT WITH FIRE!" reactions that the rest of the songs on this list.
29. "Sexercize" by Kylie Minogue - One of the earliest indicators of this Kiss Me Once promotional single being an audible displeasure is the title. Once the song plays, the displeasure starts immediately as Auto-Tune or some God awful vocal emissions are made by the usually decent Minogue. Instrumental wise, this must be what the sounds of Skrillex or a Daft Punk robot taking a dump is. The fact this song was written out at all is stunning. Video wise, this makes "Satisfaction" by Benny Benassi look like "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat.
28. "Come & Get It" by Selena Gomez - When roughly 90% of the song is an annoying hook and the other 10% is terribly sung "lyrics" with an instrumental that sounds languid and more limp than linguine, nothing good can come from the song. Add in the inane music video, and the icing has been spread on a urinal cake of a song.
27. "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell & T.I. - If there were ever a reason to abolish the Song of the Summer, look no further than the 2013 earworm song that ruled the entire summer solstice. Filled with shaky production value from an otherwise exceptional producer, Pharrell [not counting the suit from the Estate of Marvin Gaye for ripping off a song of his] falsettos of a wannabe Justin Timberlake, less than quality rapping from T.I. [who before "Blurred Lines" was one of the better Southern Rap artists of the time] and add in the video being shameless vide-ho [video-ho] fodder and a recipe for disaster was at hand. Also, the song had this lyric which justified accusations that this song endorsed rape, date rape, sexual assault etc...
26. "Price Tag" by Jessie J ft. B.o.B - B.o.B. was dragged into doing a song for songwriter turned singer Jessie J (The one that wrote "Party in the U.S.A." for Miley Cyrus). Off of her debut effort Who You Are, "Price Tag" was a song that attempted to combat commercialized nature in society. The problem? This song's chorus is counter-intuitive to what Jessie J was trying to do; make herself famous as a pop singer. Also, the video's serving of TECHNICOLOR Horseshit at the Swear Ball Extravaganza and Jessie J's singing of this is just atrocious.
25. "Airplanes" by B.o.B ft. Hayley Williams - This was a song that simply would not die. An otherwise bland "follow your dreams"/bildungsroman bullshit of a song, it's ruined by a chorus more poorly written than Ryan Lochte's name on his SATs. "Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky, are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now; wish right now; wish right now." is flat out one of the worst choruses in Popular Music.
24. "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John - 1980s cheese? Check. Failed sex appeal grab? Check. Limited vocals beyond redemption? Check. Aerobics outfits being used due to possible cheap bastard video producers? Check, check, check. This song suffers from Showgirls syndrome; having admiration in an ironic [but not hipster] like fashion and having fans because it royally sucks.
23. "Jessie" by Joshua Kadison - The 90s had some of the more diverse pop music and some of the more groundbreaking in retrospective lists music ever. This song is nowhere near those spheres. Brooding male pop vocals are tough to pull off in terms of captivation; "Jessie" fails in terms of the "brooding" sounding like a generic version of Chris Isaak vocals and being so sappy it makes "Sailing" by Christopher Cross sound like "Dr. Feelgood" by Motley Crue.
22. "LA Song (Out of This Town)" by Beth Hart - *yawns* ooooooh; a female "rawker" chick trying to be deep and indicating life in a small town where dreams die and Los Angeles behind the glitz and glamour suck out loud. Neat; we so need more of that -_- It serves as no surprise that this was the only song of hers to chart anywhere near the Hot 100 and that success for her is more elusive than Mariah Carey's list of better album names.
21. "Wind it Up" by Gwen Stefani ft. Pharrell - Normally, this would be the spot where "Hollaback Girl" would be read for filth but Pharrell's production value was used properly and saved it from being here. "Wind it Up" is what happened when Pharrell didn't outright slap Stefani in the face for wanting any sample of The Sound of Music anywhere near a pop song. Let alone, a song with all the vocal charm and lyrical genius of a drunk spring breaker with a Rubik's Cube (Also, it should be punishable by death for putting the J-Pop like posse of Love. Angel. Music. Baby in cheap blonde wigs.)
20. "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas - The sins of will.i.am began to rack up with this song from the Peas' album Monkey Business. Despite the song allowing Fergie to exist a little more, it's a horribly written song and yes; this song had writers. Apart from the song title being uttered way too many times, the rest of the lyrics are just brands of jeans and Fergie playing a gold-digger.
19. "Work Bitch" by Britney Spears - The lead single from Spears' most recent album Britney Jean amazingly went to #12 on the Hot 100. Why is this bad? This shit is whack is fuck. An instrumental that sounds like a poor ripoff of a fighting game soundtrack midi file? Check. Lyrics that even Helen Keller wouldn't sing out loud? [when a rhyme is forced like "hoawt body" & "Mawz-uh-raw-tee" and "Boo-gawdy" "bee-key-nee", check.] Add in tacky video work before a stan of hers put himself in her video with cell phone footage and this recipe for disaster is ready for the fire.
18. "We Built This City" by Starship - Logistically, this is Rolling Stone magazine's pick as the worst song of the 1980s. I agree, though one song comes later in the list that I can never stomach. For now, we'll focus on the bullshit that is this song. With lyrical pyrite such as "marconi plays the mamba", an instrumental not fit for a montage moment in the most Z-list 80s movies and cheese oozing to where movie popcorn and gas station nachos feel insulted to have it poured on; this song is simply terrible, Grace Slick presence be damned.
17. All Demi Lovato songs; especially "Skycraper" and "Heart Attack" - There are many more songs to have been chosen when this one comes up, but these two are the worst she's released in her career. "Skyscraper" is maudlin, histrionic, poorly vocalized and has a video playing off the admittedly tired as hell "Desert Angel Coutreness" trope. "Heart Attack" is tacky, melodramatic, horrifically sung and has a video playing off of the really recycled concept of "Paint is Emotion" trope. So much lurid pop, so little time.
16. "Cotton Eyed Joe" by Rednex - A song by a Swedish act of House and Country influences...or possibly Sweden gaining revenge for all of the Volvo digs the U.S. has ever made. Either way, irritating instrumentals mixed with a garish music video is the double whammy that amazingly had some level of success in U.S. markets.
15. "Bang Bang" by Jessie J ft. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj - A recent release from Jessie J that dragged Ariana Grande and featured Nicki Minaj into this irritating mess. Despite Ariana having done no wrong herself, she suffers from guilt by association. Jessie J and Minaj on the other hand suffer from Moulin Rouge tackiness laden delivery and terrible rapping "respectively". Add in a cliched 60s/70s instrumental that sounds like a rough draft of an Agent Cody Banks theme song and eerily early praise from TheBacklot contributing editor Ed Kennedy...
"Jessie J‘s new song 'Bang Bang' featuring Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj has dropped and it’s pretty awesome...I can totally see this in every drag show you see for the next six months, and the bump and grind nature will make it a favorite of go-go boys as well, especially once a few top DJs get their hands on it."
14. "Big Hoops (Bigger the Better)" by Nelly Furtado - This is how not to usher in a new era of artist. Though Interscope Records could be blamed for this due to lack of promotion of this song and its album Spirit Indestructible, Furtado must take righteous hits for a song like this. The song is intended to be one of these "OMG! I need a GURLS NIGHT OUT!" songs. One problem: this track would give more people agoraphobia if played anywhere near them. Weak production value, Furtado's vocals at their most inaudible and a song whose hook is about earrings is a recipe for a flop.
13. "Super Bass" & "Stupid Hoe" by Nicki Minaj - The sins of Nicki Minaj are numerous in terms of female acts in popular culture. The two best instances of this are some of the worst rap songs a female rapper has ever recorded. "Super Bass" is an earworm song that's the result of female rappers of the past falling way out of the spotlight. Also, the song is straight up atrocious. "Stupid Hoe" is a poorly made diss track against Lil' Kim. Add in highlighters on acid like visuals and the stripper pole cage from Shakira's "She Wolf" video and the fact that the "chorus" is simply philistine cooing of "You a Stupid Hoe", and these two songs are proof that female Hip-Hop/Rap is on the verge of being permanently "Kevorkian'd".
12. "Roar" by Katy Perry - Katy Perry: the List of Prom Themes that Gained Sentience. Even with the fluke exceptions of "Hot 'N Cold" and "Firework", Perry has committed some pop music sins. None more so egregious than the lead single from her most recent effort, Prism. A lyric video for the song in emoji, a video that makes Dora the Explorer's adventures look like a Jane Goodall piece by comparison and some of the worst singing in Perry's career (Believe me when I indicate that that was saying something.) Aside from accusations of beat-jacking "Brave" by Sara Bareilles, "Roar" suffers from the amount of overexposure it had on top of the flaws of the song.
11. "Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith - Children are not exempt from criticism. The debut single from Will Smith's daughter and a novelty song at best? I can live with that much. What I refuse to do is infantilize an act in the music industry just because of how young she is; especially when a song this awful is put to the side because it's not "culturally kosher" to criticize children. Apart from an annoying hook, sorely underdeveloped singing and a really bad music video [giving Kidz Bop aesthete and everything] and this is proof that some kids need hobbies [or a coloring book].
10. "Give Me All Your Luvin'" by Madonna ft. Nicki Minaj & M.I.A. - When Madonna songs miss, they miss hard. Case in point, the lead single for Madge's most recent effort MDNA. Released to pimp her album and tour and something Stephen Colbert calls the Superb Owl, "Give Me All Your Luvin'" is inexcusably horrible for these reasons: First off, "Luvin'" was something barely given in the 70s during the halcyon of the sexual revolution. Second, the instrumental is the weakest faux 60s bullshit her producer team had made for her. Third, Nicki Minaj has more lines in this song than M.I.A. and that is just wrong. On top of that, a shitty music video in cheap ass Superb Owl inspired football gear and cheerleading bullshit made this one of the worst musical and visual experiences I've ever had.
9. "We R Who We R" by Ke$ha - Considering this is Ke$ha, believe me when I show restraint by picking her worst song and keeping it singular. Some of the most unforgivable lyrics have been spouted from this song; case in point:
8. "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX - This is the worst female rap song in existence...not by Nicki Minaj. It's still really terrible for these reasons: First, the "rapper" in question being a model turned twerk obsessed poser with no rap ability whatsoever. Second, the horrendous guest vocals of Charli XCX who ends up sounding like a petulant child playing a game but calling everyone a cheater. Add in the overrated acclaim for her music video of the song; if you base no creativity of your own, "remake" Clueless and apparently the internet will fucking love you.
7. "I Love It" by Icona Pop ft. Charli XCX - Mindless pop music is nothing new, but goddamn is this song horridly mindless. The only known lyrics of this song include "I'm a 90s bitch", "I don't care!", "I love it!" and "I crash my car into a bridge..." If not for the fact 6 songs ahead of it are worse than this, this song would easily be considered the worst of the past 10-20 years. [Also, Charli XCX needs to stop being a thing already.]
6. "Bette Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes - This happens to have been in the same decade of release as "We Built This City" and this song is just as pitiful but is in leagues much worse in my eyes. There is a difference between rasp and what was actually emitted from Kim Carnes back then. Rasp is supposed to be the female vocal equivalent of gravelly vocals in men; think Janis Joplin conveying all sorts of messed up shit with rasp and grit. Kim Carnes is an example of vocal fry or being unable to sing or speak properly due to the voice being shot to hell. Sadly, no one had the heart to tell her (And she had the delusion to think she was amazing.) and instead the only hit she ever had became her last.
5. "4 Minutes" by Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake & Timbaland - The second worst lead single of Madge's career. Released as the lead single for Hard Candy, this was intended to follow up the success of "Hung Up" from Confessions on a Dance Floor. Do not let the chart placement of #3 on the Hot 100 fool you; this song is awful. Terrible production value from an otherwise great producer in Timbaland, Justin Timberlake giving corny lyrics the time of day and some of Madonna's most excruciatingly languid singing in her career compose of this lump of coal of a song. Also, the music video is among one of the dumbest ever made; Madge and JT escape a deteriorating world around them and then end up watching dancers on top of cars and treadmills were there too ("Auntie Em! Please rescue me from that horrible dream!" Me to someone in Dorothy voice reacting to a stupid music video.)
4. "American Life" by Madonna - Though "4 Minutes" was horrendous, "American Life" is God-awful trash that she did nothing to prevent from release. For the album of the same name, this single was released but contained a very unfortunate rap section at the hand of her producer at the time, Mirwais Ahmadzaï, insisted she do and this is what we were punished with...
3. "Wrecking Ball" & "We Can't Stop" by Miley Cyrus - Like Iggy Azalea was going to be the only twerk obsessed poser on this list. These two songs represent the worst way a music act tries a new image and supposedly a new sound. "Wrecking Ball" as a song is a misguided attempt at self-expression post breakup. Vocally, this warrants more goat-like accusations than Shakira had ever gotten. The music video was a misguided attempt at artistic integrity and tasteful nudity. What it ended up being was her licking a sledgehammer and riding an actual wrecking ball naked. Because those things clearly say "My relationship was tumultuous and now I'm free." -_- "We Can't Stop" is a song relying on poorly executed shock value of trying ecstasy and bragging about all of the illicit substances you ingest now that you're all "edgy". Also, the production was awful, the singing worse and the music video was just repugnant.
2. "Baby" by Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris - Easily, the worst song of the new millennium. The "Biebs" is also easily the worst male vocalist of the past 10 years. Yet "Baby" manages to drag Ludacris and almost taint his name with a song this juvenile in production, videography and vocally. Someday when he hits puberty and his amygdala no longer acts as his only main cranial function, he'll realize the error of his [or his management's] ways and may finally go away.
Behold; the double digit countdown of the most egregious offenses in music of the past 34 years (Or since the 1980s if arithmetics made you sleepy.)
NOTE: If most of the songs mentioned seem to be from the same decade, it just ended up that way. I tried hard to keep it from the 80s, 90s and 00s and even a little from the 10s...but the list ended up that way.
30. "Forget Me Nots" by Patrice Rushen - Sadly, this is her most successful song. However, due to the fact that the song has not aged well and that her vocals are way too subdued makes this a case of pity more than outright "KILL IT WITH FIRE!" reactions that the rest of the songs on this list.
29. "Sexercize" by Kylie Minogue - One of the earliest indicators of this Kiss Me Once promotional single being an audible displeasure is the title. Once the song plays, the displeasure starts immediately as Auto-Tune or some God awful vocal emissions are made by the usually decent Minogue. Instrumental wise, this must be what the sounds of Skrillex or a Daft Punk robot taking a dump is. The fact this song was written out at all is stunning. Video wise, this makes "Satisfaction" by Benny Benassi look like "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat.
28. "Come & Get It" by Selena Gomez - When roughly 90% of the song is an annoying hook and the other 10% is terribly sung "lyrics" with an instrumental that sounds languid and more limp than linguine, nothing good can come from the song. Add in the inane music video, and the icing has been spread on a urinal cake of a song.
27. "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell & T.I. - If there were ever a reason to abolish the Song of the Summer, look no further than the 2013 earworm song that ruled the entire summer solstice. Filled with shaky production value from an otherwise exceptional producer, Pharrell [not counting the suit from the Estate of Marvin Gaye for ripping off a song of his] falsettos of a wannabe Justin Timberlake, less than quality rapping from T.I. [who before "Blurred Lines" was one of the better Southern Rap artists of the time] and add in the video being shameless vide-ho [video-ho] fodder and a recipe for disaster was at hand. Also, the song had this lyric which justified accusations that this song endorsed rape, date rape, sexual assault etc...
"Baby, can you breathe? I got this from Jamaica.
It always works for me..."
26. "Price Tag" by Jessie J ft. B.o.B - B.o.B. was dragged into doing a song for songwriter turned singer Jessie J (The one that wrote "Party in the U.S.A." for Miley Cyrus). Off of her debut effort Who You Are, "Price Tag" was a song that attempted to combat commercialized nature in society. The problem? This song's chorus is counter-intuitive to what Jessie J was trying to do; make herself famous as a pop singer. Also, the video's serving of TECHNICOLOR Horseshit at the Swear Ball Extravaganza and Jessie J's singing of this is just atrocious.
25. "Airplanes" by B.o.B ft. Hayley Williams - This was a song that simply would not die. An otherwise bland "follow your dreams"/bildungsroman bullshit of a song, it's ruined by a chorus more poorly written than Ryan Lochte's name on his SATs. "Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky, are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now; wish right now; wish right now." is flat out one of the worst choruses in Popular Music.
24. "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John - 1980s cheese? Check. Failed sex appeal grab? Check. Limited vocals beyond redemption? Check. Aerobics outfits being used due to possible cheap bastard video producers? Check, check, check. This song suffers from Showgirls syndrome; having admiration in an ironic [but not hipster] like fashion and having fans because it royally sucks.
23. "Jessie" by Joshua Kadison - The 90s had some of the more diverse pop music and some of the more groundbreaking in retrospective lists music ever. This song is nowhere near those spheres. Brooding male pop vocals are tough to pull off in terms of captivation; "Jessie" fails in terms of the "brooding" sounding like a generic version of Chris Isaak vocals and being so sappy it makes "Sailing" by Christopher Cross sound like "Dr. Feelgood" by Motley Crue.
22. "LA Song (Out of This Town)" by Beth Hart - *yawns* ooooooh; a female "rawker" chick trying to be deep and indicating life in a small town where dreams die and Los Angeles behind the glitz and glamour suck out loud. Neat; we so need more of that -_- It serves as no surprise that this was the only song of hers to chart anywhere near the Hot 100 and that success for her is more elusive than Mariah Carey's list of better album names.
21. "Wind it Up" by Gwen Stefani ft. Pharrell - Normally, this would be the spot where "Hollaback Girl" would be read for filth but Pharrell's production value was used properly and saved it from being here. "Wind it Up" is what happened when Pharrell didn't outright slap Stefani in the face for wanting any sample of The Sound of Music anywhere near a pop song. Let alone, a song with all the vocal charm and lyrical genius of a drunk spring breaker with a Rubik's Cube (Also, it should be punishable by death for putting the J-Pop like posse of Love. Angel. Music. Baby in cheap blonde wigs.)
20. "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas - The sins of will.i.am began to rack up with this song from the Peas' album Monkey Business. Despite the song allowing Fergie to exist a little more, it's a horribly written song and yes; this song had writers. Apart from the song title being uttered way too many times, the rest of the lyrics are just brands of jeans and Fergie playing a gold-digger.
19. "Work Bitch" by Britney Spears - The lead single from Spears' most recent album Britney Jean amazingly went to #12 on the Hot 100. Why is this bad? This shit is whack is fuck. An instrumental that sounds like a poor ripoff of a fighting game soundtrack midi file? Check. Lyrics that even Helen Keller wouldn't sing out loud? [when a rhyme is forced like "hoawt body" & "Mawz-uh-raw-tee" and "Boo-gawdy" "bee-key-nee", check.] Add in tacky video work before a stan of hers put himself in her video with cell phone footage and this recipe for disaster is ready for the fire.
18. "We Built This City" by Starship - Logistically, this is Rolling Stone magazine's pick as the worst song of the 1980s. I agree, though one song comes later in the list that I can never stomach. For now, we'll focus on the bullshit that is this song. With lyrical pyrite such as "marconi plays the mamba", an instrumental not fit for a montage moment in the most Z-list 80s movies and cheese oozing to where movie popcorn and gas station nachos feel insulted to have it poured on; this song is simply terrible, Grace Slick presence be damned.
17. All Demi Lovato songs; especially "Skycraper" and "Heart Attack" - There are many more songs to have been chosen when this one comes up, but these two are the worst she's released in her career. "Skyscraper" is maudlin, histrionic, poorly vocalized and has a video playing off the admittedly tired as hell "Desert Angel Coutreness" trope. "Heart Attack" is tacky, melodramatic, horrifically sung and has a video playing off of the really recycled concept of "Paint is Emotion" trope. So much lurid pop, so little time.
16. "Cotton Eyed Joe" by Rednex - A song by a Swedish act of House and Country influences...or possibly Sweden gaining revenge for all of the Volvo digs the U.S. has ever made. Either way, irritating instrumentals mixed with a garish music video is the double whammy that amazingly had some level of success in U.S. markets.
15. "Bang Bang" by Jessie J ft. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj - A recent release from Jessie J that dragged Ariana Grande and featured Nicki Minaj into this irritating mess. Despite Ariana having done no wrong herself, she suffers from guilt by association. Jessie J and Minaj on the other hand suffer from Moulin Rouge tackiness laden delivery and terrible rapping "respectively". Add in a cliched 60s/70s instrumental that sounds like a rough draft of an Agent Cody Banks theme song and eerily early praise from TheBacklot contributing editor Ed Kennedy...
"Jessie J‘s new song 'Bang Bang' featuring Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj has dropped and it’s pretty awesome...I can totally see this in every drag show you see for the next six months, and the bump and grind nature will make it a favorite of go-go boys as well, especially once a few top DJs get their hands on it."
- Ed Kennedy, http://www.thebacklot.com/meme-bryan-singer-michael-egan-pat-robertson-public-sex-meghan-mccain-sarah-palin/07/2014/
...and all hope is lost if a song that terrible cannot be read for filth on any other website.
14. "Big Hoops (Bigger the Better)" by Nelly Furtado - This is how not to usher in a new era of artist. Though Interscope Records could be blamed for this due to lack of promotion of this song and its album Spirit Indestructible, Furtado must take righteous hits for a song like this. The song is intended to be one of these "OMG! I need a GURLS NIGHT OUT!" songs. One problem: this track would give more people agoraphobia if played anywhere near them. Weak production value, Furtado's vocals at their most inaudible and a song whose hook is about earrings is a recipe for a flop.
13. "Super Bass" & "Stupid Hoe" by Nicki Minaj - The sins of Nicki Minaj are numerous in terms of female acts in popular culture. The two best instances of this are some of the worst rap songs a female rapper has ever recorded. "Super Bass" is an earworm song that's the result of female rappers of the past falling way out of the spotlight. Also, the song is straight up atrocious. "Stupid Hoe" is a poorly made diss track against Lil' Kim. Add in highlighters on acid like visuals and the stripper pole cage from Shakira's "She Wolf" video and the fact that the "chorus" is simply philistine cooing of "You a Stupid Hoe", and these two songs are proof that female Hip-Hop/Rap is on the verge of being permanently "Kevorkian'd".
12. "Roar" by Katy Perry - Katy Perry: the List of Prom Themes that Gained Sentience. Even with the fluke exceptions of "Hot 'N Cold" and "Firework", Perry has committed some pop music sins. None more so egregious than the lead single from her most recent effort, Prism. A lyric video for the song in emoji, a video that makes Dora the Explorer's adventures look like a Jane Goodall piece by comparison and some of the worst singing in Perry's career (Believe me when I indicate that that was saying something.) Aside from accusations of beat-jacking "Brave" by Sara Bareilles, "Roar" suffers from the amount of overexposure it had on top of the flaws of the song.
11. "Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith - Children are not exempt from criticism. The debut single from Will Smith's daughter and a novelty song at best? I can live with that much. What I refuse to do is infantilize an act in the music industry just because of how young she is; especially when a song this awful is put to the side because it's not "culturally kosher" to criticize children. Apart from an annoying hook, sorely underdeveloped singing and a really bad music video [giving Kidz Bop aesthete and everything] and this is proof that some kids need hobbies [or a coloring book].
10. "Give Me All Your Luvin'" by Madonna ft. Nicki Minaj & M.I.A. - When Madonna songs miss, they miss hard. Case in point, the lead single for Madge's most recent effort MDNA. Released to pimp her album and tour and something Stephen Colbert calls the Superb Owl, "Give Me All Your Luvin'" is inexcusably horrible for these reasons: First off, "Luvin'" was something barely given in the 70s during the halcyon of the sexual revolution. Second, the instrumental is the weakest faux 60s bullshit her producer team had made for her. Third, Nicki Minaj has more lines in this song than M.I.A. and that is just wrong. On top of that, a shitty music video in cheap ass Superb Owl inspired football gear and cheerleading bullshit made this one of the worst musical and visual experiences I've ever had.
9. "We R Who We R" by Ke$ha - Considering this is Ke$ha, believe me when I show restraint by picking her worst song and keeping it singular. Some of the most unforgivable lyrics have been spouted from this song; case in point:
“And yes of course we does; we runnin’ this town just like a club; and no you don’t wanna mess with us; got Jesus on my necklace-ace-ace”
Add in the fact that this is another fakakta song of hers to feature auto-tune, the music video being stupid and this song being nothing more than fourth tier level "self confidence anthem" and that recipe for disaster has been published.
8. "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX - This is the worst female rap song in existence...not by Nicki Minaj. It's still really terrible for these reasons: First, the "rapper" in question being a model turned twerk obsessed poser with no rap ability whatsoever. Second, the horrendous guest vocals of Charli XCX who ends up sounding like a petulant child playing a game but calling everyone a cheater. Add in the overrated acclaim for her music video of the song; if you base no creativity of your own, "remake" Clueless and apparently the internet will fucking love you.
7. "I Love It" by Icona Pop ft. Charli XCX - Mindless pop music is nothing new, but goddamn is this song horridly mindless. The only known lyrics of this song include "I'm a 90s bitch", "I don't care!", "I love it!" and "I crash my car into a bridge..." If not for the fact 6 songs ahead of it are worse than this, this song would easily be considered the worst of the past 10-20 years. [Also, Charli XCX needs to stop being a thing already.]
6. "Bette Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes - This happens to have been in the same decade of release as "We Built This City" and this song is just as pitiful but is in leagues much worse in my eyes. There is a difference between rasp and what was actually emitted from Kim Carnes back then. Rasp is supposed to be the female vocal equivalent of gravelly vocals in men; think Janis Joplin conveying all sorts of messed up shit with rasp and grit. Kim Carnes is an example of vocal fry or being unable to sing or speak properly due to the voice being shot to hell. Sadly, no one had the heart to tell her (And she had the delusion to think she was amazing.) and instead the only hit she ever had became her last.
5. "4 Minutes" by Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake & Timbaland - The second worst lead single of Madge's career. Released as the lead single for Hard Candy, this was intended to follow up the success of "Hung Up" from Confessions on a Dance Floor. Do not let the chart placement of #3 on the Hot 100 fool you; this song is awful. Terrible production value from an otherwise great producer in Timbaland, Justin Timberlake giving corny lyrics the time of day and some of Madonna's most excruciatingly languid singing in her career compose of this lump of coal of a song. Also, the music video is among one of the dumbest ever made; Madge and JT escape a deteriorating world around them and then end up watching dancers on top of cars and treadmills were there too ("Auntie Em! Please rescue me from that horrible dream!" Me to someone in Dorothy voice reacting to a stupid music video.)
4. "American Life" by Madonna - Though "4 Minutes" was horrendous, "American Life" is God-awful trash that she did nothing to prevent from release. For the album of the same name, this single was released but contained a very unfortunate rap section at the hand of her producer at the time, Mirwais Ahmadzaï, insisted she do and this is what we were punished with...
"I'm drinking a Soy latte
I get a double shot-tay
It goes right through my bod-day
And you know I'm satisfied,
I drive my Mini cooper
And I'm feeling super-duper
Yo they tell I'm a trooper
And you know I'm satisfied
I do yoga and pilates
And the room is full of hotties
So I'm checking out the bodies
And you know I'm satisfied"
"I'd like to express my extreme point of view
I'm not Christian and I'm not a Jew
I'm just living out the American dream
And I just realized that nothing is what it seems."
The worst part of this is that this was supposed to serve as the theme to the album; calling out materialism and trying to be deep...O_O Instead, this served as a reminder that when Madonna songs miss, they miss hard.
2. "Baby" by Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris - Easily, the worst song of the new millennium. The "Biebs" is also easily the worst male vocalist of the past 10 years. Yet "Baby" manages to drag Ludacris and almost taint his name with a song this juvenile in production, videography and vocally. Someday when he hits puberty and his amygdala no longer acts as his only main cranial function, he'll realize the error of his [or his management's] ways and may finally go away.
Dishonorable Mentions
Some restraint needed to be shown when selection for this list was being made. The following songs are still terrible but narrowly missed the Top 30...
"Viva La Vida" by Coldplay
"Work" by Iggy Azalea
"#thatPOWER" by will.i.am ft. Justin Bieber
"Scream & Shout" by will.i.am ft. Britney Spears
"The Time (Dirty Bit)" by the Black Eyed Peas
"Not Myself Tonight" by Christina Aguilera
"Chandelier" by Sia
"Girls Are More Fun" by Ray Parker Jr.
"Pumps and A Bump" by MC Hammer
"Wiggle" by Jason Derulo ft. Snoop Dogg
"Take Your Mama" by Scissor Sisters
"Apologize", "Counting Stars" and "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic
"RUDE!" by Magic
"Toy Soldier" by Martika
"Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis
"Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis
Any country song made in 2013-2014 known in its form as "Bro Country"
Now for the Worst Song of the Past 34 Years...
1. "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey - This song epitomizes tackiness and undeserved accolades throughout the years. Steve Perry has been called one of the greatest vocalists of all time. I couldn't disagree more; strained vocals over one of the worst musical accompaniments in the past 34 years. That instrumental reeks of movie montage horseshit. This song just makes me think of bad things all the time, just like the other tracks mentioned on this list.
***UPDATE: Apart from adding the Martika and the Leona Lewis songs, I'd like to take the time to point out another awful song that despite missing the list is simply horrible on many accounts.***
"Shark In the Water" by VV Brown - Sometimes in popular music, recording acts like to draw inspiration and/or establish grooves based on the 40s, 50s and 60s. VV Brown's known song is the wrong way of doing such a thing. Despite piqued curiosity of the instrumental, the singing is barely audible; lyricism is below sub-par quality ["Baby there's a shark in the water; I saw them barking at the moon."]; and the video is just bad. Well at least one of them is; the one that doesn't totally suck is the one that featured the current at the time of release cast of the Canadian teen drama, Degrassi. The other one? Walking around on a sunny day, looking like she tried too hard to be cool. Yeesh; this song and video are horrendously bad.
***UPDATE: Apart from adding the Martika and the Leona Lewis songs, I'd like to take the time to point out another awful song that despite missing the list is simply horrible on many accounts.***
Super Happy Family Wish Show Dishonorable Mention:
"Shark In the Water" by VV Brown - Sometimes in popular music, recording acts like to draw inspiration and/or establish grooves based on the 40s, 50s and 60s. VV Brown's known song is the wrong way of doing such a thing. Despite piqued curiosity of the instrumental, the singing is barely audible; lyricism is below sub-par quality ["Baby there's a shark in the water; I saw them barking at the moon."]; and the video is just bad. Well at least one of them is; the one that doesn't totally suck is the one that featured the current at the time of release cast of the Canadian teen drama, Degrassi. The other one? Walking around on a sunny day, looking like she tried too hard to be cool. Yeesh; this song and video are horrendously bad.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Won the War: Robyn V.S. Sia
This is a series inspired by a tweet from perpetual lightning rod for controversy Azealia Banks when she inferred that although Michael Jackson won the battle, Prince won the war. This will be my take on which two rivals in packaging in the U.S. Music Industry, won the war in terms of longer success.
Round 4 of Won the War involves import singers who have mass adoration through the internet (Mainly through BuzzFeed); Swedish import Robyn and Australian singer/songwriter Sia. Both are bubbly [read as insane] blondes who like to make people feel everything exuberance to salvation. Robyn transitioned from bubblegum pop to dance while Sia transitioned to something of a solo success after writing songs for the likes of Rihanna and Beyoncé. With recent accolades for recent efforts, let's figure out...
In longevity terms, who merely won the battle...and who Won the War?
As of 2014, Robyn has yet to add a proper 6th studio album since 2010's Body Talk collection; Sia added a 6th album to her name with 1000 Forms of Fear. Interestingly enough these women have transitioned between indie label to major to boutique/subordinate throughout their careers.
Here's their charting album peaks from highest to lowest...
Robyn
- Robyn Is Here at #57
- Robyn at #100
- Body Talk (collectively/2 albums in 1 package) at #142 [*Body Talk: Pt. 2 on its own is the highest charting effort at #41]
Sia
- 1000 Forms of Fear at #1
- Some People Have Real Problems at #26
- We Are Born at #37
Due to the fact that these two have made something of a name for themselves, radio has played their songs every now and again. In terms of longevity when was their last #1 hit on the Hot 100?
*Reminder: Hot 100 ranking does matter if you're absolutely looking for a gauge of where an artist is in terms of popularity*
Robyn & Sia have yet to land a #1 single in the U.S. (You'd think critical acclaim means something outside the publication in which it was published)
The last Top 10 hit? Sia only recently had her first successful single in the U.S. with "Chandelier" [at the time of writing] peaking at #9. Although in 1997, Robyn had her 2nd Top 10 hit in the U.S. with the song "Show Me Love" which peaked at #7.
Normally, acting in movies and comparing stats through Rotten Tomatoes would be next. However, neither of them has been in a movie.
Musically, there are naturally some weak points in an artists' career when say...a lead single doesn't go to #1 or released singles chart really low. These are the positions at the lowest of Robyn and Sia's careers...
Robyn's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "Dancing On My Own" at #113
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "Dancing On My Own" at #113
[Technically, this peaked at #13 on the Bubbling Under Charts which extends from #101 to #125]
Sia's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "Chandelier" at #9 on the Hot 100
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "Chandelier" at #9 on the Hot 100
[This reads a little bit like Robin Thicke's only real success with "Blurred Lines"...]
Their career nadirs bring up where they are now. Pre Dance Transition, Robyn was all about bubblegum pop (Which Swedes are required to learn in primary school and I base this on absolutely nothing). Then after her deal with RCA was done after her albums My Truth and Don't Stop the Music had failed to chart in the U.S., she pulled a classic move of female singers before her and switched shit up. Making dance music proved to be successful for Robyn at least in the modern realm of internet culture.
Sia had first splashed onto the scene in the U.S. as an inadvertent part of EDM going mainstream with her feature on the David Guetta song "Titanium". Add in her guest feature on the Flo Rida song "Wild Ones" and her radio mainstream debut had been complete. Songwriter Sia had long been in effect for better and worse. Despite the inevitable bust of the singles released, Sia contributed to Christina Aguilera's Bionic, co-writing and vocal producing 4 of the songs. She did however, pen the massively successful single "Diamonds" [for Rihanna]. She also contributed to Beyoncé's latest album, served as head creative force over Kylie Minogue's recent effort Kiss Me Once (Being partially responsible for the horrible song "Sexercize").
Yet despite chart shut-outs, both have found a home in internet culture specifically BuzzFeed...
http://www.buzzfeed.com/samstryker/robyn-is-the-best [Robyn]
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-song-of-the-summer-finally-has-a-music-video [Sia..."Chandelier"]
Now for the final points: iconic singles AKA, the one single people know is by that artist.
Robyn has "Dancing On My Own" as it's the first single that a lot of the internet based generation got into RE: Robyn at all.
Sia is riding on the success of "Chandelier" for her solo career.
A bit of info for posterity: both were made from coloring books. [This is only to be taken with the recommended grain of salt and with nothing else.] Robyn has 2 #7 singles in the U.S. while Sia is a bit "Flavor of the Moment" only having 1 song chart in the U.S..
One has transitioned from a divisive to a better received genre; one made a leap from songwriter to singer with varied results; One has a 90s Pop Culture safety net; one owes a muffin basket the size of Earth to a child from Dance Moms...
Round 4 of Won the War involves import singers who have mass adoration through the internet (Mainly through BuzzFeed); Swedish import Robyn and Australian singer/songwriter Sia. Both are bubbly [read as insane] blondes who like to make people feel everything exuberance to salvation. Robyn transitioned from bubblegum pop to dance while Sia transitioned to something of a solo success after writing songs for the likes of Rihanna and Beyoncé. With recent accolades for recent efforts, let's figure out...
In longevity terms, who merely won the battle...and who Won the War?
As of 2014, Robyn has yet to add a proper 6th studio album since 2010's Body Talk collection; Sia added a 6th album to her name with 1000 Forms of Fear. Interestingly enough these women have transitioned between indie label to major to boutique/subordinate throughout their careers.
Here's their charting album peaks from highest to lowest...
Robyn
- Robyn Is Here at #57
- Robyn at #100
- Body Talk (collectively/2 albums in 1 package) at #142 [*Body Talk: Pt. 2 on its own is the highest charting effort at #41]
Sia
- 1000 Forms of Fear at #1
- Some People Have Real Problems at #26
- We Are Born at #37
Due to the fact that these two have made something of a name for themselves, radio has played their songs every now and again. In terms of longevity when was their last #1 hit on the Hot 100?
*Reminder: Hot 100 ranking does matter if you're absolutely looking for a gauge of where an artist is in terms of popularity*
Robyn & Sia have yet to land a #1 single in the U.S. (You'd think critical acclaim means something outside the publication in which it was published)
The last Top 10 hit? Sia only recently had her first successful single in the U.S. with "Chandelier" [at the time of writing] peaking at #9. Although in 1997, Robyn had her 2nd Top 10 hit in the U.S. with the song "Show Me Love" which peaked at #7.
Normally, acting in movies and comparing stats through Rotten Tomatoes would be next. However, neither of them has been in a movie.
Musically, there are naturally some weak points in an artists' career when say...a lead single doesn't go to #1 or released singles chart really low. These are the positions at the lowest of Robyn and Sia's careers...
Robyn's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "Dancing On My Own" at #113
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "Dancing On My Own" at #113
[Technically, this peaked at #13 on the Bubbling Under Charts which extends from #101 to #125]
Sia's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "Chandelier" at #9 on the Hot 100
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "Chandelier" at #9 on the Hot 100
[This reads a little bit like Robin Thicke's only real success with "Blurred Lines"...]
Their career nadirs bring up where they are now. Pre Dance Transition, Robyn was all about bubblegum pop (Which Swedes are required to learn in primary school and I base this on absolutely nothing). Then after her deal with RCA was done after her albums My Truth and Don't Stop the Music had failed to chart in the U.S., she pulled a classic move of female singers before her and switched shit up. Making dance music proved to be successful for Robyn at least in the modern realm of internet culture.
Sia had first splashed onto the scene in the U.S. as an inadvertent part of EDM going mainstream with her feature on the David Guetta song "Titanium". Add in her guest feature on the Flo Rida song "Wild Ones" and her radio mainstream debut had been complete. Songwriter Sia had long been in effect for better and worse. Despite the inevitable bust of the singles released, Sia contributed to Christina Aguilera's Bionic, co-writing and vocal producing 4 of the songs. She did however, pen the massively successful single "Diamonds" [for Rihanna]. She also contributed to Beyoncé's latest album, served as head creative force over Kylie Minogue's recent effort Kiss Me Once (Being partially responsible for the horrible song "Sexercize").
Yet despite chart shut-outs, both have found a home in internet culture specifically BuzzFeed...
http://www.buzzfeed.com/samstryker/robyn-is-the-best [Robyn]
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-song-of-the-summer-finally-has-a-music-video [Sia..."Chandelier"]
Now for the final points: iconic singles AKA, the one single people know is by that artist.
Robyn has "Dancing On My Own" as it's the first single that a lot of the internet based generation got into RE: Robyn at all.
Sia is riding on the success of "Chandelier" for her solo career.
A bit of info for posterity: both were made from coloring books. [This is only to be taken with the recommended grain of salt and with nothing else.] Robyn has 2 #7 singles in the U.S. while Sia is a bit "Flavor of the Moment" only having 1 song chart in the U.S..
One has transitioned from a divisive to a better received genre; one made a leap from songwriter to singer with varied results; One has a 90s Pop Culture safety net; one owes a muffin basket the size of Earth to a child from Dance Moms...
Sunday, July 20, 2014
The Next Madonna Is...
*The following is an opinion piece and should be taken seriously whenever the research shows up*
Speculation as to who could inherit and/or assume the position Madonna had as the definitive global superstar has been a process as long as Madge's career. It takes more than singing to be on terms pop culture critics have deemed "legendary" or "iconic". It takes someone who tried their hands at acting, fashion design/branding, etc. at some point in their career.
As to who could be the next Madonna, let's look at assumed contemporary acts who have been speculated by others but stand no chance.
The next Madonna will not be Miley Cyrus. Don't let the live mashup of "Don't Tell Me" and "We Can't Stop" on MTV fool you. Don't believe she's the next Madonna just because she's using the shock value part of sexuality just like Madge (But instead of either Erotica or Hard Candy, Cyrus created her own level of repelling sexual shock value called Bangerz.) "But neither of them are regarded as good singers!" That's like saying McDonald's isn't what a diet should be based on. Even with less than stellar reviews of her live singing, Madge has been able to sing [her best singing having been "Like a Prayer"].
Cyrus on the other hand...no. Just no. Recent "album success" be damned, we can eliminate Cyrus for her terrible singing and for the fact that she recently started experimenting with her image. Madge was doing that in-between songs since her debut album.
Musically in album releases, discounting all Hannah Montana affiliated and the EP The Time of Our Lives she is technically on her 3rd proper [non-EP length] album. Not enough of an extensive portfolio to really give credit to any Madge sequel labeling.
Also eliminated early on, Katy Perry. Like her other predecessor, she suffers mainly by not being able to sing even on a decent level. What has her a notch above Cyrus (But not by much) are fluke singles that can actually provide some level of audible enjoyment ["Hot 'N Cold" and "Firework"]. Whenever experimenting with image, Perry found and stuck with "Candy Coated Pop-tart" for Teenage Dream; then she tried being a "Candy Coated...'edgy for her' pop-tart" on her recent album Prism.
Image wise alone, Perry cannot be the next Madonna. As opposed to switching up her look from "Candy Coated" to say "40s Noir Glamour", Perry's image is nowhere near flexible as Madonna's. Madge went from "virgin" to "sexual" to "brunette" to "erotic" to "geisha" and Jesus knows what else.
Musically, Perry just added a 3rd album to her name. As with Cyrus, Perry's discography remains sorely underdeveloped to really gauge if she could even be considered as the next Madonna [cover of V Magazine with Madge be damned.]
Interestingly, Britney Spears is not the next Madonna either; even with the fact all 8 of her albums have peaked in the Top 5 of the Billboard 200 [6 of them going to #1]. Spears has gotten plenty of next Madge level criticism for perceived lack of singing ability. Acting isn't a strong suit of any of the names mentioned or yet to be mentioned, especially with Britney ("But Britney knew to quit acting. She can't possibly be the next Madonna!" All T, All Shade...I agree.)
Yet there is something Spears has done that disqualifies her from assuming Madge's former position as Global Superstar of the World...accepting a residency/doing the Vegas thing as Celine Dion, Cher, Toni Braxton and so many other performers have done. Performing in Las Vegas while a guaranteed paying gig...let's face it...is saying "Let me warm up for about 3-5 'Farewell Tours' around the world."
Madonna won't retire willingly or accept any Vegas residency not so long as delusion sets its course...err she draws breath and does her best to put forth new material.
With them out of the way, here are the three names to consider when speculating who the next Madonna could be: Lady Gaga, Rihanna and Beyoncé. When talking about contemporary acts whose divisive perceived singing abilities, horrible acting and fashion ventures for better or worse rivals that of "her Madgesty", these three have the field beat. However, there are certain areas where one has the others beat in terms of discography, filmography and overall selling points.
Yet the strengths in certain areas are clear enough to differentiate 3rd, 2nd and 1st...
3rd place is Rihanna. She has enough of the discography in terms of quantity that can be measured in this; and of the three candidates, has the most albums to her name. All 7 of Rihanna's albums have ended up in the Top 10 of the Billboard 200:
- Unapologetic at #1
- Good Girl Gone Bad at #2
- Loud at #3
- Talk That Talk at #3
- Rated R at #4
- A Girl Like Me at #5
- Music of the Sun at #10
Considering this is up against Madge's discography, with Like a Virgin, True Blue, Like a Prayer, Music, American Life [amazingly], Confessions on a Dance Floor, Hard Candy and MDNA having gone #1 and Rihanna's first #1 having taken 7 albums to do...she doesn't have the commercial pull even Madonna has. Image wise, while versatile, just revolves around sex; even with the different hairstyles and level of clothing being questionable, it is not enough.
Madge has experimented with being deep on an album twice. The first time was the Grammy winning Ray of Light which came with the image of "attempted spiritual depth/bohemian one with the Earth". Even in the 80s Madge experimented with androgyny in the video for "Express Yourself". Rihanna has yet to do anything that qualifies as daring in that regard.
Her acting was met with negative reviews just like Madonna. However, "Riri" was really in the 2012 movie Battleship and that movie was derided by anybody that even heard of the movie. Filmography isn't there yet.
With Gaga and Beyoncé left, it's difficult on the surface to tell who the next Madge is. With ARTPOP, Gaga just added a 3rd album to her name. In terms of quantitative discography, Gaga isn't quite there yet, but she's been around since 2008-2009. Beyoncé hasn't switched up her image that much if at all [save for a pixie haircut that mysteriously got the hair length that appeared in "XO"] and has really gone from blonde to brunette in around 2006, back to being blonde. That being said, there is a slight favor for one more so than the other and it isn't who people think...
2nd place is Lady Gaga. "WHAT?!" I know, but I will explain that later. Let's get this out of the way now. There are a LOT of similarities between Mother Monster and "Her Madgesty":
BOTH have worn some crazy outfits in the name of artistic expression, sexual liberation/"Girl Power" trope, shock value and fashion [most often all at once] Madonna's most daring outfit? The "Cone Bra". Gaga's most daring outfit? The Meat Dress (There was a lot to consider when picking the most batshit outfit from either one).
BOTH have been read for filth in terms of acting and have Razzie Award nominations to their names. (But Gaga only having one nomination for Machete Kills and Madge...still trying to act.)
The key in Gaga getting second place in this is the fact that she has really done one major movie role and it wasn't a female lead. That and it is way too obvious to declare Gaga the next Madonna ("Because Gaga can sing. You can say it." That's actually the next point.) if we are looking at singing.
To be the next Madonna, the artist in question has to be divisive as all hell when it comes to perceived singing ability. Gaga's flack is poured upon through antics and fashion choices; not singing and that is the difference. Any of the previous candidates can be lambasted for their antics but Gaga's singing ability isn't as divisive as the number one candidate and woman I'm declaring the next Madonna...
1st place and the Next Madonna...Beyoncé. Yes, she doesn't switch up her image every other day. However, there are these things that are eerily similar to the career of Madonna...
BOTH owe a muffin basket the size of Earth to the trope of "Girl Power". Beyoncé's "Girl Power" was est. with the Destiny's Child song "Independent Women" and was mainstreamed with the Beyoncé snippet turned song "***Flawless" when a key portion of a TEDTalk with Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie was discovered to have been inserted into the song.
Madge has used the "sexual liberation" version of "Girl Power" since Like a Virgin onward.
BOTH had their first single be a bust and not chart on the Hot 100. Beyoncé's first solo single, "Work it Out" from the Austin Powers: Goldmember failed to chart on the Hot 100 [around the time Kelly Rowland found #1 success with "Dilemma" ft. Nelly].
Madge's first single "Everybody" failed to chart on the Hot 100 [but began the backup plan of the century; finding success on the Dance charts].
BOTH aren't regarded as actress dujours, but have been in a critically favored movie where the cast ended up elevating their acting profile. Beyoncé has the movie adaptation of the Broadway musical Dreamgirls as a plus in her acting anthology...even if Jennifer Hudson went on to win the Oscar.
Madge has A League of Their Own as possibly the only plus in her acting career without singing (Or playing Eva Peron)...even if she was easily outshined by co-stars Tom Hanks and Geena Davis.
Finally, BOTH have the most polarizing perceived singing ability of any current female music act. Beyoncé and Madonna even have been blasted for relying on choreography and image to make up for their "questionable" singing ability.
The key difference is Beyoncé's live shows. Just like "Her Madgesty", there is a ton of visual spectacle at a Beyoncé concert [especially with husband Jay-Z currently with the On the Run tour]. However, live singing of Mrs. Knowles-Carter has been met with better fanfare than Madonna.
Oh and for posterity, both have had a string of 5 number 1 albums in the 2000s...
Beyoncé
- Dangerously in Love #1 [2003; debut]
- B'Day #1 [2006]
- I Am...Sasha Fierce #1 [2008]
- 4 #1 [2011]
- Beyoncé #1 [2013]
Madonna
- Music #1 [2000; 8th album]
- American Life #1 [2003; same year as Beyoncé's debut]
- Confessions on a Dance Floor #1 [2005]
- Hard Candy #1 [2008]
- MDNA #1 [2012]
With everything accounted for...
Speculation as to who could inherit and/or assume the position Madonna had as the definitive global superstar has been a process as long as Madge's career. It takes more than singing to be on terms pop culture critics have deemed "legendary" or "iconic". It takes someone who tried their hands at acting, fashion design/branding, etc. at some point in their career.
As to who could be the next Madonna, let's look at assumed contemporary acts who have been speculated by others but stand no chance.
The next Madonna will not be Miley Cyrus. Don't let the live mashup of "Don't Tell Me" and "We Can't Stop" on MTV fool you. Don't believe she's the next Madonna just because she's using the shock value part of sexuality just like Madge (But instead of either Erotica or Hard Candy, Cyrus created her own level of repelling sexual shock value called Bangerz.) "But neither of them are regarded as good singers!" That's like saying McDonald's isn't what a diet should be based on. Even with less than stellar reviews of her live singing, Madge has been able to sing [her best singing having been "Like a Prayer"].
Cyrus on the other hand...no. Just no. Recent "album success" be damned, we can eliminate Cyrus for her terrible singing and for the fact that she recently started experimenting with her image. Madge was doing that in-between songs since her debut album.
Musically in album releases, discounting all Hannah Montana affiliated and the EP The Time of Our Lives she is technically on her 3rd proper [non-EP length] album. Not enough of an extensive portfolio to really give credit to any Madge sequel labeling.
Also eliminated early on, Katy Perry. Like her other predecessor, she suffers mainly by not being able to sing even on a decent level. What has her a notch above Cyrus (But not by much) are fluke singles that can actually provide some level of audible enjoyment ["Hot 'N Cold" and "Firework"]. Whenever experimenting with image, Perry found and stuck with "Candy Coated Pop-tart" for Teenage Dream; then she tried being a "Candy Coated...'edgy for her' pop-tart" on her recent album Prism.
Image wise alone, Perry cannot be the next Madonna. As opposed to switching up her look from "Candy Coated" to say "40s Noir Glamour", Perry's image is nowhere near flexible as Madonna's. Madge went from "virgin" to "sexual" to "brunette" to "erotic" to "geisha" and Jesus knows what else.
Musically, Perry just added a 3rd album to her name. As with Cyrus, Perry's discography remains sorely underdeveloped to really gauge if she could even be considered as the next Madonna [cover of V Magazine with Madge be damned.]
Interestingly, Britney Spears is not the next Madonna either; even with the fact all 8 of her albums have peaked in the Top 5 of the Billboard 200 [6 of them going to #1]. Spears has gotten plenty of next Madge level criticism for perceived lack of singing ability. Acting isn't a strong suit of any of the names mentioned or yet to be mentioned, especially with Britney ("But Britney knew to quit acting. She can't possibly be the next Madonna!" All T, All Shade...I agree.)
Yet there is something Spears has done that disqualifies her from assuming Madge's former position as Global Superstar of the World...accepting a residency/doing the Vegas thing as Celine Dion, Cher, Toni Braxton and so many other performers have done. Performing in Las Vegas while a guaranteed paying gig...let's face it...is saying "Let me warm up for about 3-5 'Farewell Tours' around the world."
Madonna won't retire willingly or accept any Vegas residency not so long as delusion sets its course...err she draws breath and does her best to put forth new material.
With them out of the way, here are the three names to consider when speculating who the next Madonna could be: Lady Gaga, Rihanna and Beyoncé. When talking about contemporary acts whose divisive perceived singing abilities, horrible acting and fashion ventures for better or worse rivals that of "her Madgesty", these three have the field beat. However, there are certain areas where one has the others beat in terms of discography, filmography and overall selling points.
Yet the strengths in certain areas are clear enough to differentiate 3rd, 2nd and 1st...
3rd place is Rihanna. She has enough of the discography in terms of quantity that can be measured in this; and of the three candidates, has the most albums to her name. All 7 of Rihanna's albums have ended up in the Top 10 of the Billboard 200:
- Unapologetic at #1
- Good Girl Gone Bad at #2
- Loud at #3
- Talk That Talk at #3
- Rated R at #4
- A Girl Like Me at #5
- Music of the Sun at #10
Considering this is up against Madge's discography, with Like a Virgin, True Blue, Like a Prayer, Music, American Life [amazingly], Confessions on a Dance Floor, Hard Candy and MDNA having gone #1 and Rihanna's first #1 having taken 7 albums to do...she doesn't have the commercial pull even Madonna has. Image wise, while versatile, just revolves around sex; even with the different hairstyles and level of clothing being questionable, it is not enough.
Madge has experimented with being deep on an album twice. The first time was the Grammy winning Ray of Light which came with the image of "attempted spiritual depth/bohemian one with the Earth". Even in the 80s Madge experimented with androgyny in the video for "Express Yourself". Rihanna has yet to do anything that qualifies as daring in that regard.
Her acting was met with negative reviews just like Madonna. However, "Riri" was really in the 2012 movie Battleship and that movie was derided by anybody that even heard of the movie. Filmography isn't there yet.
With Gaga and Beyoncé left, it's difficult on the surface to tell who the next Madge is. With ARTPOP, Gaga just added a 3rd album to her name. In terms of quantitative discography, Gaga isn't quite there yet, but she's been around since 2008-2009. Beyoncé hasn't switched up her image that much if at all [save for a pixie haircut that mysteriously got the hair length that appeared in "XO"] and has really gone from blonde to brunette in around 2006, back to being blonde. That being said, there is a slight favor for one more so than the other and it isn't who people think...
2nd place is Lady Gaga. "WHAT?!" I know, but I will explain that later. Let's get this out of the way now. There are a LOT of similarities between Mother Monster and "Her Madgesty":
BOTH have worn some crazy outfits in the name of artistic expression, sexual liberation/"Girl Power" trope, shock value and fashion [most often all at once] Madonna's most daring outfit? The "Cone Bra". Gaga's most daring outfit? The Meat Dress (There was a lot to consider when picking the most batshit outfit from either one).
BOTH have been read for filth in terms of acting and have Razzie Award nominations to their names. (But Gaga only having one nomination for Machete Kills and Madge...still trying to act.)
The key in Gaga getting second place in this is the fact that she has really done one major movie role and it wasn't a female lead. That and it is way too obvious to declare Gaga the next Madonna ("Because Gaga can sing. You can say it." That's actually the next point.) if we are looking at singing.
To be the next Madonna, the artist in question has to be divisive as all hell when it comes to perceived singing ability. Gaga's flack is poured upon through antics and fashion choices; not singing and that is the difference. Any of the previous candidates can be lambasted for their antics but Gaga's singing ability isn't as divisive as the number one candidate and woman I'm declaring the next Madonna...
1st place and the Next Madonna...Beyoncé. Yes, she doesn't switch up her image every other day. However, there are these things that are eerily similar to the career of Madonna...
BOTH owe a muffin basket the size of Earth to the trope of "Girl Power". Beyoncé's "Girl Power" was est. with the Destiny's Child song "Independent Women" and was mainstreamed with the Beyoncé snippet turned song "***Flawless" when a key portion of a TEDTalk with Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie was discovered to have been inserted into the song.
Madge has used the "sexual liberation" version of "Girl Power" since Like a Virgin onward.
BOTH had their first single be a bust and not chart on the Hot 100. Beyoncé's first solo single, "Work it Out" from the Austin Powers: Goldmember failed to chart on the Hot 100 [around the time Kelly Rowland found #1 success with "Dilemma" ft. Nelly].
Madge's first single "Everybody" failed to chart on the Hot 100 [but began the backup plan of the century; finding success on the Dance charts].
BOTH aren't regarded as actress dujours, but have been in a critically favored movie where the cast ended up elevating their acting profile. Beyoncé has the movie adaptation of the Broadway musical Dreamgirls as a plus in her acting anthology...even if Jennifer Hudson went on to win the Oscar.
Madge has A League of Their Own as possibly the only plus in her acting career without singing (Or playing Eva Peron)...even if she was easily outshined by co-stars Tom Hanks and Geena Davis.
Finally, BOTH have the most polarizing perceived singing ability of any current female music act. Beyoncé and Madonna even have been blasted for relying on choreography and image to make up for their "questionable" singing ability.
The key difference is Beyoncé's live shows. Just like "Her Madgesty", there is a ton of visual spectacle at a Beyoncé concert [especially with husband Jay-Z currently with the On the Run tour]. However, live singing of Mrs. Knowles-Carter has been met with better fanfare than Madonna.
Oh and for posterity, both have had a string of 5 number 1 albums in the 2000s...
Beyoncé
- Dangerously in Love #1 [2003; debut]
- B'Day #1 [2006]
- I Am...Sasha Fierce #1 [2008]
- 4 #1 [2011]
- Beyoncé #1 [2013]
Madonna
- Music #1 [2000; 8th album]
- American Life #1 [2003; same year as Beyoncé's debut]
- Confessions on a Dance Floor #1 [2005]
- Hard Candy #1 [2008]
- MDNA #1 [2012]
With everything accounted for...
Beyoncé is The Next Madonna.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Azealia Banks and the What the Future SHOULD Hold
The following is an opinion piece/think piece over Harlem, NY rap phenomenon Azealia Banks.
A huge amount has happened since I last touched on the career thus far of Azealia Banks in Post 9 of the W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. series. As of July 10th, 2014 she is no longer with Universal Records [the "head" label of Interscope Records (U.S.)/Polydor Records(U.K.)]
http://www.buzzfeed.com/hazelcills/azealia-banks-is-finally-free-from-her-record-deal
Long before and well after this, she had long been considered a troublemaker and shit-stirrer with many of the celebrity world. When news broke that she had been freed from her contract with Universal, it wasn't until late into the night, after celebrating the thought that her much anticipated debut effort Broke With Expensive Taste might finally have more confirmed details [other than a never happened leak or vague summer release] a slight issue arose.
What would happen to her intended mixtape sequel Fantasea II: The Second Wave and its known single "Count Contessa"? Let's start by analyzing the events before being freed from the label.
It started in January 2014, when Banks made it known through her Twitter account that she was "in hell" having no material released since "ATM JAM" [the song then being scrapped from any incarnation of the intended album due to poor reception by fans]. She would later relay her regret of not signing with Sony Records as it was apparent that something of a bidding war had happened between Interscope and Sony for Banks.
June 8th rolls around; her gig at Los Angeles PRIDE though met with polarizing impact upon announcement received rave reviews from the crowd [specifically for her covering of the Robin S. song "Show Me Love"]. Days later another Twitter feud with Atlanta rapper T.I. ended up creating more buzz that the U.S. had become more familiar with more so than her music...
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tracyclayton/ti-and-azealia-banks-are-beefing-on-social-media
This entailed the uneven reputation Banks ended up with. Europe audiences have seen and heard a lot more music than any U.S. market has. For posterity, L.A. PRIDE was her first major U.S. event since Coachella 2012 [she did perform at a Forever 21 held "Cranechella" recently, but we are talking major events]. For a stretch of time, she performed at the Glastonbury, Reading, 1Xtra Live, Frauenfeld and MELT! festivals in the U.K., Switzerland and Germany respectively [her Twitter account has many more European dates and international travel dates].
With new found freedom, speculation turns to these main concerns: Will Broke With Expensive Taste see the light of day? Did she retain intellectual property rights to her only previously released label work the EP, 1991? How long is she going to be in "indie world" before another label signs her [if she wants to have label representation again; if say Sony signs her to their label]? Is she going to rap again? All of these questions, naturally have complicated answers.
First, there will be some incarnation of BWET released. Yet it is unclear if Banks even retained the rights to the material that was eventually going to end up on the album. If she did, the album might be released under a different name or as a mixtape whose name could be even more unclear than that.
Second, there is a 50/50 possibility that Banks was able to retain any rights to 1991. Even with scant promotion as an EP, it peaked at #133 on the Billboard 200 and #1 on the Heatseekers Album charts. The chart positions might have been enough for Banks to retain her material for other use at her discretion, but this is pure speculation.
Third, the ball is in the middle of the court as far as any label offering representation and Banks' desire to be on a label after the struggle with Universal. The only other known label that she had ever expressed wanting to be a part of was Sony. It is unclear if Sony will consider opening up any offer it had with her or even if Banks would reach out to Sony to look into the offer they had so long ago.
As far as the fourth question, it takes a studious fan of Banks to know where the hell her musical style will end up. In an appearance on Hot 97 personality Peter Rosenberg's Complex Magazine YouTube series, The Process, it was revealed that Banks had long considered herself a better singer than rapper. Fans of hers know of her singing ability due to the fact that in addition to rapping, singing appears on damn near all of her tracks. The cuts with pure singing to almost pure singing include "Luxury", covers of "Slow Hands" by Interpol and "Barely Legal" by The Strokes.
Banks also stated that before she had even made "212", she had been a musical theater girl and had been something of a "Broadway Baby" hopeful...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGORO7gVIWo [The Process | Azealia Banks]
If any incarnation of BWET is released, it seems like it's going to be most of the stuff fans of hers already know about her. There might be a chance that XL Recordings era single "L8R" might make an appearance. As for her known BWET material that hasn't already been scrapped, "Yung Rapunxel" is still going to be on the album. However, she might create entirely new material and scrap the entire album herself [again, pure speculation; this cannot be confirmed.]
"Count Contessa" on the other hand might be included on a deluxe incarnation of BWET should it ever see the light if Fantasea II: The Second Wave gets scrapped to make up for BWET to get the release it should have years ago. If not, "Count Contessa" might not even be on any album [pure speculation given the history of her discography].
Now let's talk about what needs to happen as far as Azealia Banks in the now. Should Sony Records scoops Azealia Banks up, they better promote her music on U.S. radio. Seriously, she's "written off" for no reason Stateside because Universal either didn't or wouldn't let Interscope promote her stuff in the U.S. Why else was she limited to Europe? Doing Glastonbury to MELT! festivals in Europe is OK thanks to YouTube.
However, none of her stuff was really promoted for U.S. markets. Why else were "1991", "Luxury", "Jumanji", "212" ft. Lazy Jay and a whole shitload of songs NEVER added to her YouTube/VEVO account?
The only songs that even got the "VEVO Seal of Approval" via the YouTube joint VEVO w/o fuckups were "ATM JAM" and "Yung Rapunxel". "Van Vogue" got flagged enough for it to be censored unless you happen to have an account on YouTube. Even worse, "Liquorice" was originally published under the misspelled "AzaeliaBanksVEVO" channel [the "pre-migration" count being 2,149,498 views] *For the record, the video has 7,379,322 views as of 1:38 AM, today July 11th*
Here's a reminder/newsflash: every released single for radio she's had has been for the international markets of the UK, Netherlands, Ireland, Belgium and Australia. "212" ended up a Top 15 hit in the UK and Netherlands (#12 and #14 respectively), a Top 10 hit in Ireland at #7, a Top 20 hit in the Flanders region of Belgium (#17), a Top 40 hit in the Wallonia region of Belgium (#34) and a Top 100 hit in Australia (#68). "Liquorice" only went to #73 in Flemish Belgium; "Yung Rapunxel" only went to #152 in the UK; "ATM JAM" despite being her second Top 40 Walloon Belgium hit, was scrapped from the album most likely compounded by the Flemish peak of #55 and UK peak of #169.
She's never had singles serviced for U.S. radio on any level. There is a great deal of potential for her to have that radio breakthrough to add to her viral sensation from 2011, "212".
That being said, it is going to take a lot more than corrected business savvy on any U.S. label end. Banks herself needs to continue the positive spin she's built for herself from L.A. PRIDE. Long before her reputation sat in limbo [specifically with the LGBT community] she inspired people as a hardcore East Coast rapper who openly identified as bisexual...
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jamiesoncox/how-azealia-banks-made-me-fierce
Before this same author of the article link would go on to express disappointment in Banks for her future attitude, there has been est. connection of a U.S. fanbase. Why Universal/Interscope never used this as leverage to spread her music to mainstream radio is simply baffling.
What can be summated is this; Azealia Banks' future in the music industry can go many directions after being freed from Universal. The next move can be made in a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, days, etc. with her. Somebody needs to make the move soon and hopefully restore the potential Banks showed merely 2-3 years ago.
A huge amount has happened since I last touched on the career thus far of Azealia Banks in Post 9 of the W.W.C.I.I.T.M.I. series. As of July 10th, 2014 she is no longer with Universal Records [the "head" label of Interscope Records (U.S.)/Polydor Records(U.K.)]
http://www.buzzfeed.com/hazelcills/azealia-banks-is-finally-free-from-her-record-deal
Long before and well after this, she had long been considered a troublemaker and shit-stirrer with many of the celebrity world. When news broke that she had been freed from her contract with Universal, it wasn't until late into the night, after celebrating the thought that her much anticipated debut effort Broke With Expensive Taste might finally have more confirmed details [other than a never happened leak or vague summer release] a slight issue arose.
What would happen to her intended mixtape sequel Fantasea II: The Second Wave and its known single "Count Contessa"? Let's start by analyzing the events before being freed from the label.
It started in January 2014, when Banks made it known through her Twitter account that she was "in hell" having no material released since "ATM JAM" [the song then being scrapped from any incarnation of the intended album due to poor reception by fans]. She would later relay her regret of not signing with Sony Records as it was apparent that something of a bidding war had happened between Interscope and Sony for Banks.
June 8th rolls around; her gig at Los Angeles PRIDE though met with polarizing impact upon announcement received rave reviews from the crowd [specifically for her covering of the Robin S. song "Show Me Love"]. Days later another Twitter feud with Atlanta rapper T.I. ended up creating more buzz that the U.S. had become more familiar with more so than her music...
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tracyclayton/ti-and-azealia-banks-are-beefing-on-social-media
This entailed the uneven reputation Banks ended up with. Europe audiences have seen and heard a lot more music than any U.S. market has. For posterity, L.A. PRIDE was her first major U.S. event since Coachella 2012 [she did perform at a Forever 21 held "Cranechella" recently, but we are talking major events]. For a stretch of time, she performed at the Glastonbury, Reading, 1Xtra Live, Frauenfeld and MELT! festivals in the U.K., Switzerland and Germany respectively [her Twitter account has many more European dates and international travel dates].
With new found freedom, speculation turns to these main concerns: Will Broke With Expensive Taste see the light of day? Did she retain intellectual property rights to her only previously released label work the EP, 1991? How long is she going to be in "indie world" before another label signs her [if she wants to have label representation again; if say Sony signs her to their label]? Is she going to rap again? All of these questions, naturally have complicated answers.
First, there will be some incarnation of BWET released. Yet it is unclear if Banks even retained the rights to the material that was eventually going to end up on the album. If she did, the album might be released under a different name or as a mixtape whose name could be even more unclear than that.
Second, there is a 50/50 possibility that Banks was able to retain any rights to 1991. Even with scant promotion as an EP, it peaked at #133 on the Billboard 200 and #1 on the Heatseekers Album charts. The chart positions might have been enough for Banks to retain her material for other use at her discretion, but this is pure speculation.
Third, the ball is in the middle of the court as far as any label offering representation and Banks' desire to be on a label after the struggle with Universal. The only other known label that she had ever expressed wanting to be a part of was Sony. It is unclear if Sony will consider opening up any offer it had with her or even if Banks would reach out to Sony to look into the offer they had so long ago.
As far as the fourth question, it takes a studious fan of Banks to know where the hell her musical style will end up. In an appearance on Hot 97 personality Peter Rosenberg's Complex Magazine YouTube series, The Process, it was revealed that Banks had long considered herself a better singer than rapper. Fans of hers know of her singing ability due to the fact that in addition to rapping, singing appears on damn near all of her tracks. The cuts with pure singing to almost pure singing include "Luxury", covers of "Slow Hands" by Interpol and "Barely Legal" by The Strokes.
Banks also stated that before she had even made "212", she had been a musical theater girl and had been something of a "Broadway Baby" hopeful...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGORO7gVIWo [The Process | Azealia Banks]
If any incarnation of BWET is released, it seems like it's going to be most of the stuff fans of hers already know about her. There might be a chance that XL Recordings era single "L8R" might make an appearance. As for her known BWET material that hasn't already been scrapped, "Yung Rapunxel" is still going to be on the album. However, she might create entirely new material and scrap the entire album herself [again, pure speculation; this cannot be confirmed.]
"Count Contessa" on the other hand might be included on a deluxe incarnation of BWET should it ever see the light if Fantasea II: The Second Wave gets scrapped to make up for BWET to get the release it should have years ago. If not, "Count Contessa" might not even be on any album [pure speculation given the history of her discography].
Now let's talk about what needs to happen as far as Azealia Banks in the now. Should Sony Records scoops Azealia Banks up, they better promote her music on U.S. radio. Seriously, she's "written off" for no reason Stateside because Universal either didn't or wouldn't let Interscope promote her stuff in the U.S. Why else was she limited to Europe? Doing Glastonbury to MELT! festivals in Europe is OK thanks to YouTube.
However, none of her stuff was really promoted for U.S. markets. Why else were "1991", "Luxury", "Jumanji", "212" ft. Lazy Jay and a whole shitload of songs NEVER added to her YouTube/VEVO account?
The only songs that even got the "VEVO Seal of Approval" via the YouTube joint VEVO w/o fuckups were "ATM JAM" and "Yung Rapunxel". "Van Vogue" got flagged enough for it to be censored unless you happen to have an account on YouTube. Even worse, "Liquorice" was originally published under the misspelled "AzaeliaBanksVEVO" channel [the "pre-migration" count being 2,149,498 views] *For the record, the video has 7,379,322 views as of 1:38 AM, today July 11th*
Here's a reminder/newsflash: every released single for radio she's had has been for the international markets of the UK, Netherlands, Ireland, Belgium and Australia. "212" ended up a Top 15 hit in the UK and Netherlands (#12 and #14 respectively), a Top 10 hit in Ireland at #7, a Top 20 hit in the Flanders region of Belgium (#17), a Top 40 hit in the Wallonia region of Belgium (#34) and a Top 100 hit in Australia (#68). "Liquorice" only went to #73 in Flemish Belgium; "Yung Rapunxel" only went to #152 in the UK; "ATM JAM" despite being her second Top 40 Walloon Belgium hit, was scrapped from the album most likely compounded by the Flemish peak of #55 and UK peak of #169.
She's never had singles serviced for U.S. radio on any level. There is a great deal of potential for her to have that radio breakthrough to add to her viral sensation from 2011, "212".
That being said, it is going to take a lot more than corrected business savvy on any U.S. label end. Banks herself needs to continue the positive spin she's built for herself from L.A. PRIDE. Long before her reputation sat in limbo [specifically with the LGBT community] she inspired people as a hardcore East Coast rapper who openly identified as bisexual...
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jamiesoncox/how-azealia-banks-made-me-fierce
Before this same author of the article link would go on to express disappointment in Banks for her future attitude, there has been est. connection of a U.S. fanbase. Why Universal/Interscope never used this as leverage to spread her music to mainstream radio is simply baffling.
What can be summated is this; Azealia Banks' future in the music industry can go many directions after being freed from Universal. The next move can be made in a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, days, etc. with her. Somebody needs to make the move soon and hopefully restore the potential Banks showed merely 2-3 years ago.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
The Voice U.S. S7 Thoughts
Since S4, I've been recapping and criticizing episodes of The NBC Show with Ratings. I've been watching since S1. With a new season and two new coaches, it's time to relay some thoughts (In the form of criticizing potential pitfalls of the new season) as to how S7 will end up...
1. It will be better than the last 2 seasons combined: Not exactly the highest bar to jump over, but S7 should be a completely revitalized season in all the right ways. S5 was a lackluster reboot of S1 that gave Adam Levine his first female winner and the show's third female winner in a row. S6 was a terrible season compared to seasons prior and seemed really rigged when the "Twitter Save" was used in the Top 5 to ensure The Grimmie Reaper stayed regardless of weak for her iTunes sales.
S7 is introducing producer/singer Pharrell Williams as a proper coach [he was the Battle Rounds adviser in S4 for Usher's team] and No Doubt lead singer, Gwen Stefani. At least how Gwen will be is sort of up in the air as this is most likely her first foray into TV Competition Shows *FUN Fact: she turned down ABC's Rising Star for this. Wise move, Gwen.* I'm looking forward to that much even if...
2. No weirdo friendly coach looks to be est.: Jesus knows The Voice needs a weirdo/"personality" since S6 diminished hope altogether for them; S5 screwed them all for HRFH -2.0 (and a bust coronation song) and S4 was too country-laden for Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel to win. Apart from Chamuel, the last true "personality" came in the form of Cody Belew from S3 (And to think Nicholas David's awful singing beat him...T_T). The problem is, Cee-Lo Green was really the bastion for the freak flag to fly [Usher and Chamuel was a bit of a fluke.]
S7 does have Pharrell and Gwen, but they might not infer that weirdos are welcome. The best chance for a weirdo/"personality" friendly coach is Pharrell. He's a diehard "Trekkie", worked with Kelis pre-"Milkshake" and is pretty much from Neptune [when you get it...] Gwen is a bit of a weirdo herself but even with her solo efforts and that contracted posse "Love. Angel. Music. Baby.", she's probably going to push for [hopefully] pop/rock vocalists like Adam; or sadly end up enabling the most likely fact...
3. Female "hard rocker" types are going to make a resurgence: ...and that is going to suck. Ever since S2 and Juliet Simms losing to Jermaine Paul, some critics and some viewers have been praying for a hard "rawk" chick to win. While there's nothing utterly terrible about "rawk", the "rawker" types that make it to The Voice are revealed to be complete and utter try-hard wannabes [At least from Simms onward, most notably, Kat "CopyKat" Robichaud who swagger jacked Chamuel and every rawker chick in existence.]
S7 might have Gwen being pigeonholed into finding "the next Stevie Nicks/Joan Jett/Pat Benetar" and that is a complete disservice to the other weirdo Gwen is supposed to be.
4. Some wacky format change is going to occur: Oy gevalt; The Voice is about gaining sentience away from being like a Pop Diva: changing what they're about every other right now. First, every coach had a guaranteed artist in the finale where the top finalists could write their own songs. Then, that stopped in S3 where "No Man's Land" was introduced. At that time, the Knockout Rounds were introduced. Then, some idiot in S6 said "Hey, what if we extended the Battle Rounds?" You suck...whoever you are. S5 introduced Twitter users on the East Coast having a say as to whose ass gets saved from being in the bottom 3.
S7 will most likely introduce a new wacky element in the game. Who knows what, but maybe they'll pull from a tradition known as the "Fishbowl" and have contestants pull songs from a fishbowl [or container of sorts] and have to perform it then and there. OR...*this is where the game of Speculate Random Bullshit begins* perhaps this season, the contestants can only perform songs by anybody who has been a coach on the U.S., U.K. or Australian versions of The Voice.
5. Song selection is going to suck...again: Songs performed in past seasons are going to find their way back to being performed in public because SHEEZUS forbid anybody perform songs by Lady Gaga, Lana Del Rey, Janelle Monae, Azealia Banks, Chrisette Michele, Steve Grand, Cody Belew or anybody interesting in the music industry. Instead, expect "Free Fallin'", some "indie" labeled/"rawker" horseshit like Imagine Dragons, OneRepublic garbage and country songs...in general...
It's perfectly fine for the usual Blake Shelton advised contestant because country is all they know. Any NON-country Team Blake person or any Team Adam, Cee-Lo, Christina, Shakira or Usher [add in Pharrell and Gwen] that does a country song and they inferred no allegiance of any kind to country music..."God help you; you know how the children are." Thanks end credit voice from Paris is Burning! The point is, I wish song selection was a lot more interesting than the crap most of the contestants end up doing.
6. I will hate the winner: It's a sad tradition, but anybody I like doesn't win the show. And at least since S3, I have positively loathed the winners. I'm already calling it 0 for 7.
That's my thoughts on S7 and I will be an absolute bitch about defending all of them XD
1. It will be better than the last 2 seasons combined: Not exactly the highest bar to jump over, but S7 should be a completely revitalized season in all the right ways. S5 was a lackluster reboot of S1 that gave Adam Levine his first female winner and the show's third female winner in a row. S6 was a terrible season compared to seasons prior and seemed really rigged when the "Twitter Save" was used in the Top 5 to ensure The Grimmie Reaper stayed regardless of weak for her iTunes sales.
S7 is introducing producer/singer Pharrell Williams as a proper coach [he was the Battle Rounds adviser in S4 for Usher's team] and No Doubt lead singer, Gwen Stefani. At least how Gwen will be is sort of up in the air as this is most likely her first foray into TV Competition Shows *FUN Fact: she turned down ABC's Rising Star for this. Wise move, Gwen.* I'm looking forward to that much even if...
2. No weirdo friendly coach looks to be est.: Jesus knows The Voice needs a weirdo/"personality" since S6 diminished hope altogether for them; S5 screwed them all for HRFH -2.0 (and a bust coronation song) and S4 was too country-laden for Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel to win. Apart from Chamuel, the last true "personality" came in the form of Cody Belew from S3 (And to think Nicholas David's awful singing beat him...T_T). The problem is, Cee-Lo Green was really the bastion for the freak flag to fly [Usher and Chamuel was a bit of a fluke.]
S7 does have Pharrell and Gwen, but they might not infer that weirdos are welcome. The best chance for a weirdo/"personality" friendly coach is Pharrell. He's a diehard "Trekkie", worked with Kelis pre-"Milkshake" and is pretty much from Neptune [when you get it...] Gwen is a bit of a weirdo herself but even with her solo efforts and that contracted posse "Love. Angel. Music. Baby.", she's probably going to push for [hopefully] pop/rock vocalists like Adam; or sadly end up enabling the most likely fact...
3. Female "hard rocker" types are going to make a resurgence: ...and that is going to suck. Ever since S2 and Juliet Simms losing to Jermaine Paul, some critics and some viewers have been praying for a hard "rawk" chick to win. While there's nothing utterly terrible about "rawk", the "rawker" types that make it to The Voice are revealed to be complete and utter try-hard wannabes [At least from Simms onward, most notably, Kat "CopyKat" Robichaud who swagger jacked Chamuel and every rawker chick in existence.]
S7 might have Gwen being pigeonholed into finding "the next Stevie Nicks/Joan Jett/Pat Benetar" and that is a complete disservice to the other weirdo Gwen is supposed to be.
4. Some wacky format change is going to occur: Oy gevalt; The Voice is about gaining sentience away from being like a Pop Diva: changing what they're about every other right now. First, every coach had a guaranteed artist in the finale where the top finalists could write their own songs. Then, that stopped in S3 where "No Man's Land" was introduced. At that time, the Knockout Rounds were introduced. Then, some idiot in S6 said "Hey, what if we extended the Battle Rounds?" You suck...whoever you are. S5 introduced Twitter users on the East Coast having a say as to whose ass gets saved from being in the bottom 3.
S7 will most likely introduce a new wacky element in the game. Who knows what, but maybe they'll pull from a tradition known as the "Fishbowl" and have contestants pull songs from a fishbowl [or container of sorts] and have to perform it then and there. OR...*this is where the game of Speculate Random Bullshit begins* perhaps this season, the contestants can only perform songs by anybody who has been a coach on the U.S., U.K. or Australian versions of The Voice.
5. Song selection is going to suck...again: Songs performed in past seasons are going to find their way back to being performed in public because SHEEZUS forbid anybody perform songs by Lady Gaga, Lana Del Rey, Janelle Monae, Azealia Banks, Chrisette Michele, Steve Grand, Cody Belew or anybody interesting in the music industry. Instead, expect "Free Fallin'", some "indie" labeled/"rawker" horseshit like Imagine Dragons, OneRepublic garbage and country songs...in general...
It's perfectly fine for the usual Blake Shelton advised contestant because country is all they know. Any NON-country Team Blake person or any Team Adam, Cee-Lo, Christina, Shakira or Usher [add in Pharrell and Gwen] that does a country song and they inferred no allegiance of any kind to country music..."God help you; you know how the children are." Thanks end credit voice from Paris is Burning! The point is, I wish song selection was a lot more interesting than the crap most of the contestants end up doing.
6. I will hate the winner: It's a sad tradition, but anybody I like doesn't win the show. And at least since S3, I have positively loathed the winners. I'm already calling it 0 for 7.
That's my thoughts on S7 and I will be an absolute bitch about defending all of them XD
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Won the War: Justin Timberlake V.S. Robin Thicke
This is a series inspired by a tweet from perpetual lightning rod for controversy Azealia Banks when she inferred that although Michael Jackson won the battle, Prince won the war. This will be my take on which two rivals in packaging in the U.S. Music Industry, won the war in terms of longer success.
Round 3 of Won the War involves former N*SYNC punching bag turned solo singer Justin Timberlake against recent mainstream phenom and creepy uncle of music Robin Thicke. They both shook off an image of their initial careers. Justin shook off "boy bander" while Robin shook off commercial bust on his debut. With recent efforts getting them some level of success, let's figure out...
In longevity terms, who merely won the battle...and who Won the War?
As of 2014, Justin has 4 albums to his name; the most recent effort being The 20/20 Experience – 2 of 2 in the fall of last year. Robin has 7 with the just released (July 1st, the day I started writing this) effort, Paula (Which is named for the wife he cheated on and is trying to woo back; -_- -_- -_- -_-) but without much of the singles known, his last complete effort was his 6th released, the 2013 effort Blurred Lines.
Here's their album peaks from highest to lowest...
Justin Timberlake
- FutureSex/LoveSounds at #1
- The 20/20 Experience at #1
- The 20/20 Experience – 2 of 2 at #1
- Justified at #2
Robin Thicke
- Blurred Lines at #1
- Something Else at #3
- The Evolution of Robin Thicke at #5
- Sex Therapy: The Session at #9
- Love After War at #22
- A Beautiful World at #152 [considering this is of the Billboard 200 ranks, it sounds pathetic. However, Thicke was signed under a different boutique/vanity label of Interscope Records. Read "different" as "label that ain't shit."]
Due to the fact that these two have made something of a name for themselves, radio has played their songs every now and again. In terms of longevity when was their last #1 hit on the Hot 100?
*Reminder: Hot 100 ranking does matter if you're absolutely looking for a gauge of where an artist is in terms of popularity*
Justin's last #1 on the Hot 100 was "What Goes Around... Comes Around" from the 2006 release FutureSex/LoveSounds. 2 albums and 8 years ago? O_O Robin's last #1 was "Blurred Lines" from last year. However, that is his only #1 hit.
The last Top 10 hit? Justin has "Not a Bad Thing" from his most recent album at #8. Not bad considering that part 1 and 2 of "The 20/20" experience was 6 months apart and seemed a bit rushed. Robin on the other hand has never had a Top 10/Not #1 hit; ever. The closest he got was "Lost Without U" at #14 in 2007.
Normally, acting in movies and comparing stats through Rotten Tomatoes would be next. However, as far as I know, Robin Thicke has never been in a movie. His personal life however, is playing like the tackiest soap opera in production. *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade*
Musically, there are naturally some weak points in an artists' career when say...a lead single doesn't go to #1 or released singles chart really low. These are the positions at the lowest of Justin and Robin's careers...
Justin Timberlake's Lowest Charting Singles:
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "Take Back the Night" at #29 on the Hot 100.
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "TKO" at #36 on the Hot 100.
Robin Thicke's Lowest Charting Singles:
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "Magic" at #59 on the Hot 100.
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "Can U Believe" at #99 on the Hot 100.
Their chart nadirs are rather telling of their careers. Timberlake's chart nadirs came from the same album, but even at his charting lowest they were still in the Top 40 of the Hot 100. That is nothing to sneer at, especially considering that his tenure for SNL guest appearances has more or less overshadowed his music career. Keep in mind, the gap between albums 2 and 3 was technically 6 years.
Thicke's chart nadirs went from his lowest from his album The Evolution of Robin Thicke to his lowest lead single of verified effort Something Else. In terms of career, he was on a rise until "something else" [the scandal] came up. 2013 rolled around and Pharrell alongside T.I. helped make Robin Thicke a thing in popular music (They even contributed to the "pearl clutching controversy" of the song which media outlets had eloquently described as "rapey".) Then, the only song he's had mega-success with gets the attention of the Marvin Gaye estate for plagiarism accusations. Add the scandal of him cheating on his wife and the separation that follows and the fact he named his July 1st released album Paula in the most desperate looking attempt of wooing her back and this much is clear; at least he'll be a two hit wonder before his personal life overwhelms his career.
Now for the final points: iconic singles AKA, the one single people know is by that artist.
Justin's signature song is the earworm "SexyBack". It could easily be "Rock Your Body" or "Cry Me a River" as well, but "SexyBack is the song people cannot shut up about the minute its name is uttered.
Robin's signature song is "Blurred Lines". Enough said here. *shaaaaaaaaaaade*
Forget bits of info for posterity; I think it's time we reveal the winner. One has 4 Top 3 albums; one just hit #1 in the biggest way conceivable; one has relied on perceived male pop vocalist talent; the other owes a muffin basket the size of Earth to Pharrell and the MTV Video Music Awards...the result is as follows...
Round 3 of Won the War involves former N*SYNC punching bag turned solo singer Justin Timberlake against recent mainstream phenom and creepy uncle of music Robin Thicke. They both shook off an image of their initial careers. Justin shook off "boy bander" while Robin shook off commercial bust on his debut. With recent efforts getting them some level of success, let's figure out...
In longevity terms, who merely won the battle...and who Won the War?
As of 2014, Justin has 4 albums to his name; the most recent effort being The 20/20 Experience – 2 of 2 in the fall of last year. Robin has 7 with the just released (July 1st, the day I started writing this) effort, Paula (Which is named for the wife he cheated on and is trying to woo back; -_- -_- -_- -_-) but without much of the singles known, his last complete effort was his 6th released, the 2013 effort Blurred Lines.
Here's their album peaks from highest to lowest...
Justin Timberlake
- FutureSex/LoveSounds at #1
- The 20/20 Experience at #1
- The 20/20 Experience – 2 of 2 at #1
- Justified at #2
Robin Thicke
- Blurred Lines at #1
- Something Else at #3
- The Evolution of Robin Thicke at #5
- Sex Therapy: The Session at #9
- Love After War at #22
- A Beautiful World at #152 [considering this is of the Billboard 200 ranks, it sounds pathetic. However, Thicke was signed under a different boutique/vanity label of Interscope Records. Read "different" as "label that ain't shit."]
Due to the fact that these two have made something of a name for themselves, radio has played their songs every now and again. In terms of longevity when was their last #1 hit on the Hot 100?
*Reminder: Hot 100 ranking does matter if you're absolutely looking for a gauge of where an artist is in terms of popularity*
Justin's last #1 on the Hot 100 was "What Goes Around... Comes Around" from the 2006 release FutureSex/LoveSounds. 2 albums and 8 years ago? O_O Robin's last #1 was "Blurred Lines" from last year. However, that is his only #1 hit.
The last Top 10 hit? Justin has "Not a Bad Thing" from his most recent album at #8. Not bad considering that part 1 and 2 of "The 20/20" experience was 6 months apart and seemed a bit rushed. Robin on the other hand has never had a Top 10/Not #1 hit; ever. The closest he got was "Lost Without U" at #14 in 2007.
Normally, acting in movies and comparing stats through Rotten Tomatoes would be next. However, as far as I know, Robin Thicke has never been in a movie. His personal life however, is playing like the tackiest soap opera in production. *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade*
Musically, there are naturally some weak points in an artists' career when say...a lead single doesn't go to #1 or released singles chart really low. These are the positions at the lowest of Justin and Robin's careers...
Justin Timberlake's Lowest Charting Singles:
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "Take Back the Night" at #29 on the Hot 100.
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "TKO" at #36 on the Hot 100.
Robin Thicke's Lowest Charting Singles:
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "Magic" at #59 on the Hot 100.
- Lowest Charting Released Single: "Can U Believe" at #99 on the Hot 100.
Their chart nadirs are rather telling of their careers. Timberlake's chart nadirs came from the same album, but even at his charting lowest they were still in the Top 40 of the Hot 100. That is nothing to sneer at, especially considering that his tenure for SNL guest appearances has more or less overshadowed his music career. Keep in mind, the gap between albums 2 and 3 was technically 6 years.
Thicke's chart nadirs went from his lowest from his album The Evolution of Robin Thicke to his lowest lead single of verified effort Something Else. In terms of career, he was on a rise until "something else" [the scandal] came up. 2013 rolled around and Pharrell alongside T.I. helped make Robin Thicke a thing in popular music (They even contributed to the "pearl clutching controversy" of the song which media outlets had eloquently described as "rapey".) Then, the only song he's had mega-success with gets the attention of the Marvin Gaye estate for plagiarism accusations. Add the scandal of him cheating on his wife and the separation that follows and the fact he named his July 1st released album Paula in the most desperate looking attempt of wooing her back and this much is clear; at least he'll be a two hit wonder before his personal life overwhelms his career.
Now for the final points: iconic singles AKA, the one single people know is by that artist.
Justin's signature song is the earworm "SexyBack". It could easily be "Rock Your Body" or "Cry Me a River" as well, but "SexyBack is the song people cannot shut up about the minute its name is uttered.
Robin's signature song is "Blurred Lines". Enough said here. *shaaaaaaaaaaade*
Forget bits of info for posterity; I think it's time we reveal the winner. One has 4 Top 3 albums; one just hit #1 in the biggest way conceivable; one has relied on perceived male pop vocalist talent; the other owes a muffin basket the size of Earth to Pharrell and the MTV Video Music Awards...the result is as follows...
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