Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Voice U.S. S5 Recap: Baptism of Fire II: Electric Sequeloo

Archetype terrible sequel title aside ["Boots From Aldo" is the alternative title], tonight marked round 2 of the Blind Auditions for The Voice U.S. S5. Emotions were felt, teams continued to be built (As X-Tina continues to try her hardest to not come in 4th place for her fourth collective season) and NBC programming that didn't suck made the air. See how that made the episode what it is...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First up to journey with the sword the old man gave them was Jacquie Lee who was serving some (Dr. from Poltergeist voice, everyone) Caroline Glaser meets Patch Adams spirit realness. She auditioned with "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse. Initially she looked screwed but got X-Tina and Blake to turn. After some boot shopping tips she picks X-Tina as her coach (And I REALLY hope Cee-Lo isn't a foot fetishist. O_O) Personally, she was a good vocalist for being 16 years old (Sorry, is this The Voice or an after school program?) but isn't brimming with superb talent yet. Marketed properly she could be the next teen star turned provocateur (HAAAAAAAAAAY Miley!)

Second to attempt to defeat Sauron was Barry Black. He's originally from American Samoa who now lounges around in Vegas. He auditioned with "What You Won't Do for Love" by Bobby Caldwell. After doing the mouth trumpet, his audition proves to be good. Like a Bruno Mars type with a slightly deeper voice. Mr. and Mr. Shevine* turned and had a cute "marital" tiff. Eventually, Barry picked Adam much to Blake's chagrin. *DIS IS A CLAIMER...despite the homoerotic bond betwixt them, Adam and Blake are engaged to a lingerie model and married to Adam...err Miranda Lambert respectively.*

Third to seek out Soul Edge was Mike Unser. Like every other pending musician, his parents divorced and overcame adversity. Incidentally he performed in a Christian band before coming to the show. He auditioned with "Dirty Little Secret" by the All-American Rejects. Yikes, this was God-awful. He became another S5 reject but kudos to the show for attracting the courteous rejects. Those that ask for help and not curse them to the belly of hell (Where Cassadee Pope's new album Frame By Frame will be having its premiere party)

Fourth to try their hand at removing Excalibur from the stone (Fine...the gag stops here) was Destinee Quinn. A hippie looking chick who performed in biker bars and worked with famed shock rocker/adorable mental case, Alice Cooper. She auditioned with "Cowboy Take Me Away" by The Dixie Chicks. A country song by a hippie looking chick who performed in biker bars and worked with Alice Cooper (Sorry, is this The Voice or Cards Against Humanity?) She got X-Tina and Cee-Lo to turn but she chose X-Tina to be her coach. Good luck with your hippie version of Amber Carrington, X-Tina; Blake may steal her from you if you screw up.

Fifth up, Cole Vosbury who despite his fedora was allowed to audition for the show. It is called The Voice so truth in advertising, I guess. He auditioned with The Jeffersons theme song "Movin' On Up" [and won best song choice EVER]. He defaulted to Cee-Lo mainly because he sang the motherfucking theme song to The Jeffersons. If he's lucky he'll move on up to a place where they ban fedoras from the public eye.

Then, Holly Henry took the stage and expressed being a touch shy. It wasn't Caroline from last episode bad, but it's Sky Ferreira nervous. She auditioned with "The Scientist". Her voice was too subdued for my liking, but she got all 4 coaches to turn for her. The coaches were enamored by how sweet her voice was but honestly but I can't get with this one. I give her credit for having repeated instances of "Wind In The Hair" moments *golf claps*. She ends up picking Blake as her coach giving him his first artist of night #2.

Next, Sammy C. revealed he was diagnosed with alopecia when he was young. As someone who had alopecia areata in middle school, this one got personal favors. When Hip-Hop was revealed to be his main inspiration, I was wondering what his frame of reference was. He auditioned with "Where Is The Love?" by the Black Eyed Peas. A decent frame of reference for someone who's 16 (OK...is this The Voice, or The Babysitter's Club? Seriously.) He sounded like he was making fun of Glee (Not entirely bad, but that's personal.) and it worked against him as he became another reject [be it a very courteous reject].

Then a reject montage emerged...oh so sweet and oh so brief. Anywho, NEXT!

After that, scooter tour guide [it pays the bills, y'all] Austin Jencks took the stage with the emotional turmoil of his father's suicide as inspiration to move on. He auditioned with "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd and was sweet sounding but not exactly captivating personally. Cee-Lo and Blake turned around and proceeded to adorably fight each other over the self-described Country/Folk singer. If that wasn't a spoiler, he picked Blake to be his coach. Bonus points for looking like he can build a cabin with his bare hands for a lover.

Then every childhood formed in the 90s died from nostalgia overload when E.G. Daily...yes, Tommy Pickles and Buttercup from the Powerpuff Girls auditioned. She auditioned with "Breathe" by Faith Hill. She was flawless and had Cee-Lo and Blake turn. She may have chosen Blake to coach her but Tommy Pickles/Buttercup is on The Voice now. YAY!

Now that the inner child in me is playing in the corner, next up was Jonny Gray who despite the Jesus hair has his own holiday and served in the Air Force. Who'd've thunk, eh? He auditioned with "All These Things That I've Done" by The Killers. He has his sights on Adam as a coach and got him and Cee-Lo to turn for him. Personally the vibrato was kind of hypnotizing but I have to see what he does next as the season progresses. Then he diverts missions and chooses Cee-Lo as his coach. Scrub the barracks, Jonny! Just kidding; thanks for your service and for looking like the most effective Pantene ad ever.

Finally, Tessanne Chin from Kingston, Jamaica revealed her love of reggae and rock...and looked like HRFH...err Judith Hill's mama. O_O She auditioned with "Try" by P!nk and was able to get 4 chairs to turn in about 3-7 seconds (Much like the overrated backup singer last season...O_o) I defer to this tweet I made...

"Nicely done, Tessanne but you still look like Judith Hill's mama. #AllTAllShade #ThisIsTheVoice"

She ends up picking Adam and I hope that she can actually project when she sings. *shaaaaaaaaaaaaade*

All in all; younguns were let out of school for this show, Mr. and Mr. Shevine still aren't "divorced" and HRFH may have resurfaced in Tessanne...O_o Thanks for the experience NBC!

By the way, I still want songs by Lana Del Rey, Janelle Monae, Kelis and Lady Gaga to be performed on the show. It wouldn't kill people to have some gravitas on this show.

Up next for scrutiny...part 3 of the Blind Auditions.

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