Monday, September 30, 2013

The Voice U.S. S5 Recap: The Pun About Blake's Victory Count

Tonight on the NBC program with ratings (That was NEVER "Guys With Kids" or "Whitney"), the Blind Auditions' 3rd night commenced with the following nouns occurring in the following chronological sequence. Songs were sung, sexual tension ("Playful banter" my ass) was felt yet again between the coaches and most importantly dreams of pop stardom were a step closer to coming true (More or less, but they won't be screwed like recent American Idol or X Factor U.S. winners.)

Let's play rough and get it on!

The first defendant in the Court of Public Opinion was Ray Boudreaux, a singer turned single father (Unprotected sex derails singing careers. Sorry, but it does.) or "Dad with Dreams". He auditioned with, "Use Me" by Bill Withers. He managed to impress Cee-Lo and Blake for whatever reason; he was a bit too schmoozy sounding for me. He ends up picking Blake as his coach; A. Whatever; he was bad to me...B. *yaaaaaaaaawn* Have fun -_- ; by the way, his little girl was a Twitter sensation. Great -_-

Second to have their singing judged was Lina Gaudenzi, a model turned singer (Great; a Josiah Hawley type again. Wonderful -_-). She auditioned with "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. You know the slants against Shakira for sounding like a goat? Apply it to this chick. X-Tina and Blake adorably bitched at each other until Lina picked X-Tina to coach her.

Third to try their hands at making the big red chairs turn was Juhi...that's her name. Apparently a nerd, Juhi felt conflicted about being on the show. Cut to her audition of "Mercy" by Duffy and there's no reason to feel conflicted. She was lovely and Cee-Lo and X-Tina agreed. After having a fangasm (No thanks to Syfy) over Gnarls Barkley and X-Tina (I understand excitement, but my God was this chick geeking out), she picks Cee-Lo as her coach.

Fourth of the night was Malford Milligan. He has the best name ever and represents for those with albinism [where the term albino comes from; but it's actually a bad term]. He auditioned with "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green. He sounded fabulous and like a legend to me. Yet, the coaches do not turn around. Seriously, this is one of the few audition rejects that baffled me. The coaches explained he sounded too on the nose like Al Green. While that makes sense, it shouldn't with him because he was awesome. Malford is a courteous reject like everyone else so far so there's that.

Oh look; a reject montage. Better luck next season...and NEXT!

Fifth was Justin Blake who is an "Oversized Load" truck driver with kid on the way [Use protection]. He had cojones to sing Blake's song, "Sure Be Cool If You Did". Country singer? Not my cup of hot toddy. He defaulted to Adam's team which shocked me as I thought this was Blake bait ("You mean the one who sang a Blake song seemed like Blake bait?" Yes, goddamn you.) through and through. Still, Mr. and Mr. Shevine fighting is cute. *d'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww*

Sixth to try and make it on the show was Timyra-Joi, whose vocal coach opened the door on them when her Dad temporarily lost her job. She auditioned with "Girl On Fire" by Alicia Keys. For another youngun' (Out of daycare the show provided, apparently.) she was decent but she picked an Alicia Keys song. Might I suggest Ariana Grande, next time? After X-Tina, Blake and Cee-Lo waged war with each other she ended up picking X-Tina as her coach.

Seventh, Monika Leigh a reluctant administrative assistant for a hotel and aspiring singer. 4 years of no performing against her and she auditions with "The Thrill Is Gone" by B.B. King. This was good to where I almost forgave the "K" in her name. Adam, Blake and Cee-Lo turn around and after a last minute B.S. move, Monika picked Blake. no one with a "K" instead of "C" in their name.

Eighth, Zach Hinson whose a country singing firefighter...a la Warren Stone. He auditioned with "Drunk On You" by Luke Bryan. Ughhhhhhh at the fact MORE country artists are popping up. Luckily, the coaches didn't turn around as Zach became another reject but another courteous reject. Sorry...he was just bland and boring. Credit again to the producers to getting courteous rejects for the show. 'Tis lovely indeed.

Ninth up for public scrutiny was Kaley Cuoco's sister/personal assistant Briana. Briana's out to make a name for herself (Go by Briana or change it to Cocoa) She fulfills a wish and performs "You and I" by Lady Gaga. Kaley went batshit as her sister made it thanks to X-Tina and Cee-Lo. After Briana had a seat to relax, she decided to pick X-Tina to coach her. Personally, she was a bit shaky on the vocals but considering a lot of the singers pick songs that suck [give or take artists I'm fine with] and she went with Gaga...I respect her so much. Thank you, Briana.

Tenth, George Horga Jr. whose main deal is being of Romanian heritage. No T, No Shade, but there has to be something else there. He auditions with "Treasure" by Bruno Mars. Personally he was way too subdued and/or not captivating enough vocally. Being chick magnet bait aside, he defaults to Cee-Lo and is pretty much his Dez Duron.

The montage of boring artists that make it is then relayed...OK then; if you're not boring enough for your Battle Rounds, see you then. Until then, NEXT!

Finally, Preston Pohl, a Christian Rock guitarist turned bar singer [bills, people.] He auditioned with "Electric Feel" by MGMT. He didn't impress me vocally; too scruffy in the vocals for my liking. Adam, Blake and Cee-Lo engaged in another "man-fight" for him. After a brief Texas Hip-Hop history courtesy of Cee-Lo and Blake being confused over DJ Screw having been real [and Cee-Lo forgetting he's no longer with us. R.I.P.] Preston ends up picking Adam as his coach.

All in all, I admit; this is the most lackluster group I've ever seen in a Blind Audition in Voice U.S. history. The strongest based on song choice with vocals and not picking Blake was Briana Cuoco (This isn't MrSwearword V.S. Everyone for nothing). Still, it isn't AI or XF US which has been DOA since their S1. Aren't initials fun?

Next up for scrutiny, part 4 of the Blind Auditions.

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