Monday, September 23, 2013

The Voice U.S. S5 Recap: The Blind Leading The Blind...Auditions

See? I told you my titles would be a little more funny/bitchy. Either way, tonight marked the return of the televised Dutch import that the U.S. has received with open arms (And no, this is not about the non-existent High Times TV channel). This is what occurred, made me insane and love NBC for not cancelling this glorious program.

Play rough and let's get it on!

After the coaches gave a "Reunion Tour" version of "I Love Rock & Roll" by Joan Jett and The Blackhearts, The S5 baptism of fire began with Kat Robichaud who auditioned with "I've Got The Music In Me". Personality wise and stage antics wise, this chick had the nerve to try and copy Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel (Gurl NO; NO; Gurl NO). She somehow got everyone but Adam to turn (I completely understand. Her audition was not THAT good.) She ended up picking Cee-Lo as her coach and he nabs artist #1 for his team.

Next up in the line of fire, Caroline Pannell who had the nervous system of a leaf. (All T, All Shade). She auditioned with "Anything Could Happen" by Ellie Goulding (If The Voice were called The Song Choice, she'd barely get a chair to turn around). Despite the nerves, she was very good as I was reminded of other hauntingly dainty contestants Melanie Martinez and (Dr. from Poltergeist voice, everyone) Caroline Glaser. She had to pick between Cee-Lo and Blake and chose Cee-Lo giving him artist #2 of his team.

Third up for their trial in the Court of Public Opinion was Donna Allen who toured with Gloria Estefan & the Miami Sound Machine for years. She sang "You Are So Beautiful" with the justice it deserved. Granted her hair made me think of the lead singer of Parliament Funkadelic...O_O. Adam and Christina were adorably bitching at each other for her place on either team and ended up picking Adam. Then a glorious straddling bear hug moment occured, thus cementing Donna as artist #1 for the Maroon 5 lead singer/half of "Shevine" (Yes, jokes about the homoerotic bond between Adam and Blake will be made throughout the season. No there is nothing you can do about it except embrace it).

Fourth, gravy sweating Texan Jake Worthington who sang "Keep Your Hands To Yourself" by Georgia Satellites.*FRIENDLY REMINDER: Not every person in the state of Texas likes country music. Thinking that makes you no better than those in Texas who like country music : P* He seemed like Blake material (Understatement of the Century nominee), but ended up being the first S5 reject. Boo-hoo -_- but at least he was friendly and asked for advice on how to improve. Oh well; NEXT!

Fifth, rugby player/bagel boy/singer Matthew Schuler (Best job combo ever.) He auditioned with "Cough Syrup" which got 4 chairs in about 1-4 seconds. The coaches proceeded to lose their shit and fight for this guy and admittedly I understood why. He was very good with that song, but I thought it'd be a process to get him. Oh well, he had 4 to choose from and he ended up picking Christina as his coach giving her artist #1 for her team. [*FUN FACT: His Dad's church lost the lease and ended up in his basement. The church is still going strong; you can sleep at night.*]
Sixth, a self described "Amy Winehouse/Jessie J" singer/Hip-Hop dance teacher Nic Hawk took the stage (And amazingly gave "Running of The Bulls/Pamplona Eleganza" realness with the type of nose piercing Kelis & Lady Gaga have). He auditioned with "Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops)" by Blu Cantrell (I LOVE him for this song choice). Adam and Cee-Lo ended up turning for this VoteForTheWorst realness and Nic picked Adam. Then again, when he said Adam was good-looking, this kind of spelled everything out. Let's be's his charisma that helps because his singing wasn't that up to snuff.

Oh the reject was cute and had younguns learn the hard way that it really is about The Voice! NEXT!

Matthew Brea then took the stage with "I Want You Back" by The Jackson 5. For one of the younguns [at 15] he is rather good. Experience could shape his voice a lot. Too bad he ended up as a reject but got a hug from Christina who pretty much paraphrased the "Paris Is Burning" nerve speech. Cee-Lo was pissed at himself once he found out he was a potential child prodigy and from Atlanta, Georgia. How upsetting was this? Cee-Lo removed his sunglasses, shed a tear and went backstage to send his "Don't give up, come back for Season 6" speech (But forgot to mention that S6 is when Usher and Shakira make a return).
Next up was Shelbie Z. (No I am not making that up, but pretty sure an 80s cartoon character had that name.) Her beef involved hamburgers and cruel size jokes (Like the one in that line). Dear Shelbie and other thicker milkshakes* [*thicker milkshake=nice way of saying big girls*] use the logic I do about my size; I'm not fat. I'm just easier to spot in a crowd. Her audition song was "Here For The Party" and got Blake, Christina & Cee-Lo to turn. A country girl that sang a country song picked the country artist to coach her; REDUNDANCY y'all. Blake did end up with his first artist so that's good only on a technical term.

Then, Josh Logan came around reminding people that unprotected sex derails singing careers. Sorry, but every contestant under 35 with kid needs to realize kids derail singing careers. He auditioned with "Too Close" by Alex Clare and sounded a bit too much like him. Adam, X-Tina and Blake turned around for him (Thank you Cee-Lo; thank you so very much.) After acting all awkward around the homoerotic bond betwixt Adam and Blake (Welcome to The Voice, Josh.) he picks X-Tina to be his coach. She now has 2 artists that'll go home in the live shows first. on her team.
Delvin Choice then took the stage with his [no joke] Parliament Funkadelic meets Janelle Monae hair (He called it "The Lobster", but I called it Parliament Funkadelic meets Janelle Monae after getting it styled by Jill Scott who was inspired by Fraggle Rock). He auditioned with "Closer" by Ne-Yo. He didn't totally suck but his hair is just awful. Hair karma worked against him as he became another S5 reject. I'd say there's always next season but I don't want him going all Sanjaya Malakar on us with awful hair and mediocre at best singing.

Finally James Wolpert who once attended Carnegie Mellon*, auditioned with "Love Interrupted" by Jack White and got all 4 coaches to turn. [*FUN Fact: After dropping out of Carnegie Mellon he got a job at an Apple store in Pittsburgh. I thought GeekSquad but I can't help feel I was pretty damn close.*] He wasn't stellar but I wasn't thinking "Kewpie Doll is back in another form" (This isn't Mr. Swearword V.S. Everyone for nothing.) The coaches lost their shit fighting each other and he picked Adam. Mr. Shevine...err Levine got the final artist of Night 1.

Overall, no one stood out in this audition; 2 people almost scalped the lead singer of Parliament Funkadelic and NBC proved why they beat the Amazing Race for the Emmy for Best Reality Program.

Up next for scrutiny, part 2 of the Blind Auditions.

P.S.- Would it kill the contestants to know songs by Lana Del Rey, Janelle Monae or Kelis? (Really any artist or band that doesn't suck?)

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