[The title is reference to a less vulgar lyric from Azealia Banks' YouTube friendly sensation, "212".]
Tonight marks the Season 6 premiere of the NBC program with ratings I love dearly (Even though there's an 0 for 5 record on winners I like). The Voice premiered its 6th season with bittersweet being the key word [as it was announced merely days before, that the adorably unhinged Cee-Lo Green would no longer be a coach. Weirdos may have Usher as Michelle "Amazing Human" Chamuel proved to be a success. Yet let us have a moment for Cee-Lo. T_T...OK enough of that]. Shakira and Usher joined Blake and the S5 coach champion, Adam to find new talent (Or more nails in Idolatry's coffin.)
These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and (You guessed it to your chagrin) marklar that transpired...
Let's play rough and get it on!
After the coaches do their obligatory group number introducing the show (Blake cannot sing "Whenever, Wherever" by Shakira) receiving the S6 Baptism of Fire is Christina Grimmie from New Jersey. This is the YouTube plant who sang with Selena Gomez. O_O [hey at least the show was honest about the YouTube part]. She sings "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus. She sounds like Caitlin Michele but without the talent. No, no, on this chick. She gets all the coaches to turn which is a complete surprise. Shakira's all like "S4 I was hormonal; S6 I'm focused as a laser!" Adam's previous win is brought up; Christina says she "lurves" Usher and Blake has a country accent. Eventually she picks Adam to be her coach. Big deal; I can't stand her. BYE GURL BYE.
Second, T.J. Wlikins from South Central L.A. who after shunning that image of South Central went into music. He sang "Bennie and the Jets" by Elton John. He's actually decent but I'm waiting to see if any other song can do him better justice. All but "Shaki" turn around [I understand, Shaki. I understand.] Adam reminds Blake he can barely spell L.A. or something, Usher gives him credit for singing an Elton John song in public and Blake has a country accent. T.J. eventually picks Usher as his coach. Nice try pimping T.J. out to Blake, Shaki. That I don't understand.
Third for subjective criticism, Kristen Merlin who sings country music. BYE FELICIA. She sings "Something More" by Sugarland. Incidentally she won a contest having something to do with this group [once you reveal your alignment to country music, I tend to not to care a certain amount. A certain Mason-Dixon line is drawn.] She also reveals she happens to be a lesbian. Good on you for being honest. All but Blake actually hit their buttons. Vibrato is her biggest thing revealed when Blake reciprocates the earlier pimping and tries to have her go to Shaki. This time it works as she picks Shakira to be her coach. Whatever. Country just has me all like "UGH; BYE."
Fourth in the auditions, Tanner Linford who at 16 looks 10 and just won the Scripps National Spelling Bee. O_O He's inspired by his uncle who he considered his spirit animal. He took a bit of a risk by singing "Stay" by Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko. This kid is shaky and nervous and I wish he breathed before performing. The coaches don't turn around but grant him mercy as did I but yeeesh; this was bad. They encourage him to keep trying and find songs that work for his voice. Just breathe; meditate; recite a mantra; DO SOMETHING to where your nerves are not shot.
Fifth, Biff Gore who is the first (of probably many) Dad with Dreams. At 45, he's the oldest contestant to audition so far [and might be the oldest in this season]. He's a worship leader who calls what he does "Life Music"; music intended to give people LIFE (RuPaul would like a word with you.) He sings "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. He sounds fantastic and got all 4 coaches to turn. I understood this and Biff turning down the "date" with Shaki to the Grammys (He's got a kid on the way, Shaki.) After the "lurve" fest, Biff picks Usher to be his coach. I like this one, so proceed to the battles onward (Before you might get Donna Allen'd over age over someone who sucks like HRFH -2.0)
Next, Dawn & Hawkes [a duo] from Austin, Texas. I hated the aesthetic when Alex & Sierra existed on the X Factor (RIP) They sing "I've Just Seen a Face" by someone I don't know. They sound like any duo who sings a song like that. Like they're in "lurve" and so folksy I wanted to buy kale bars from them. BYE FELICIAS! Adam and Shaki turn for them [like I have a clue why.] Adam "lurves" them and Shaki gets pimped by both Usher and Blake. O_O They end up picking Adam as their coach. I don't expect much out of them so it's not a worry to me.
Up next, Leo Gallo who after a failed boy band experiment went into the world of dance...remember how that egotistical kid from S4 danced instead of sung? EXACTLY. "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke is the song he performed. He cannot sing to save his life. The coaches remember this is The Voice and do not press their buttons. Big deal on dancing; you came to sing if you made it to the show [in theory]. Bye Leo; won't see you on So You Think You Can Dance (If you're lucky enough to get through the door.)
After my ears loved the fact that he was gone, Jeremy Briggs used to be a baseball coach until he worked at the unemployment line. I will not make the "unemployment line/music career" joke; that shit is mean to me. He sang "Bad Company" and as rocker bait...I'm not hooked. Sorry, but I'm not. Shaki and Blake turn for him (Sorry, but rocker-bait sucks in any language.) Shaki was all "I was a rock chick first!" before Blake made some sandwich comment about Shaki being hungry. He ends up picking Shakira as his coach. Blake is finally paying for his sins named the She-Devil of S3 and Kewpie Doll.
Next up, S5 reject Jake Worthington came back remembering the things the coaches of S5 told him. It's nice to see rejects come back; even if I hated them. He sang "Don't Close Your Eyes" by Keith Whitley. He was able to get all but Usher to turn for him (Usher and I agree). The coaches that turned into such dorks over him. Adam tried to get this gravy sweating country dude away from Blake and failed miserably. He picks Blake as his coach [though Adam was called sexy through the spirit of Jake's aunt].
Up next is Karina Mia. This chick looks like Mary Lambert of the hook of "Same Love" by Macklemore X Ryan Lewis fame. Her beef is not having the X-Tina voice (She and Linda Perry think you're beautiful in every single way, so shut it.) She sings "Beneath Your Beautiful" by Labyrinth ft. Emeli Sande. She is actually one of the better auditions of the night. The coaches are idiots and don't turn around for her. Remembering all rejects are courteous and nice, this stings less but this rejection is inexcusable.
Finally, Bria Kelly. This is one of the earlier pimped auditions as the likes of TV Guide previewed her audition [PLANT!] Then it's revealed that she got to sing for Miranda Lambert. [PLANT!] "Steamroller Blues" is her song to sing. All T, All Shade I thought she looked like a cleaned up version of Jenelle from Teen Mom 2. Her singing was vibrato filled and I can't believe her audition got her in. She isn't terrible but I can't understand how all of the coaches were fighting for her. She picks Usher to be her coach after he flashes a Grammy in her face. Makes perfect sense. O_O
All in all, there will be a LOT more Blind Auditions to cover. I will be happy [even if some contestants suck, because, TV.]
Up next for scrutiny, Part II of the Blind Auditions.