Monday, September 21, 2015

The Voice S9: Panto-BLIND

After the 8th season of the wrong person winning the show (Craig Wayne Boyd from S7 gets a pass for being pretty), The NBC Program with Ratings is now back to start its 9th season of being able to find the next Brooke Hogan (Since finding the next Kelly Clarkson is apparently too much for this show and its voters to do).

Adam and Blake "Shevine" return for their 9th consecutive season (Of screwing up and being paid too much respectively), Pharrell returns for his 3rd consecutive season (Fresh off of the wrong contestant on his team winning) and Gwen Stefani returns for her second collective season (And assuring herself 4th place for allowing Selena Gomez to advise her Battle Round contestants.)

These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, banter, marklar, fuckery, FlirtCruiting and questionable song choices that transpired (Because the one consistency of the show apart from its winners being outsold to this day by Brooke Hogan, is the often terrible songs chosen for auditions)...

Let's play rough and get it on!

Getting the Season 9 Baptism of Fire, Mark Hood AKA Knockoff Jason Derulo. He auditioned with "Use Me". At around the 4th syllable or so, Adam and Pharrell turn around for him. Gwen then joins the fun with Blake being the reason this dude ended up a 4-chair turn. His energy was great but his singing was a bit underdeveloped [a bit too vibrato driven even with a deep voice]. He ends up picking Pharrell as his coach even though he originally wanted Blake.

Second, Kota Wade whose name reminds me of another Coldplay album I've no intention of buying. She auditioned with "Bring It on Home to Me" by Sam Cooke. -_- MA'AM YOU HAVE TRIED IT. Especially considering the only thing saturated with texture and tone is your lilac hair. All but Adam turn for her and I side with him. Kota ends up picking Gwen once it was belabored she was once in a band but intends to go solo...SHOCKER -_-

Third, Keith Semple or as I call him "Irish Terry MacDermott" AKA another Western European dude obsessed with classic rock. He auditioned with "I'll Be There For You". His nasality was quite displeasing to me, but apparently I'm not Adam or Gwen who turned for him. Between Bono related fuckery, Keith ended up picking Adam as his coach.

Fourth, Alyssa Sheridan who's just beige in persona but seems well...adjusted. She auditioned with "I Will Remember You". She ends up the first S9 reject which is a shame because there was some vocal potential that could've been worked with, but she wasn't terrible enough to get their attention. -_-

Fifth, Siahna Im whose cuteness offends me. She auditioned with "Fever" by Peggy Lee. YOUNG LADY. THAT SONG IS NOT FOR YOU. OK, she did have the best singing style by that point but I AM FRIGHTENED AT A 15 YEAR OLD SINGING "Fever". Uckiness aside, all but Adam turned for her and I side against him. She ends up picking "Mr. Skateboard P" as her coach.

Sixth, MYSTERY FIGURE pimped by the show earlier in the day as this was the "BEST" audition ever. They auditioned with "Chandelier" by Sia. Mystery figure was revealed to be Jordan Smith. All the coaches pitched themselves to him after they turned, but Miss Thing IS confident. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS. He ends up picking Adam as his coach.

Seventh, Dr. Paul who clearly acts as Gandalf's stunt double. He auditioned with "Mama Tried". He tried, but ended up another reject of S9. We love you Gandalf, but go rescue Frodo again.

Eighth, Nadjah Nicole who at the time of audition footage was giving some Ashley DuBose from S5 realness. She auditioned with "Tightrope" by Janelle Monae. THANK YOU GOD FOR A JANELLE MONAE SONG BEING ON THIS SHOW. Mr. and Mr. Shevine turned for her (Pharrell and Gwen, you are terrible people). She ends up picking Blake and I am so offended by this. Thanks for having taste and some vocal talent, but bye girl bye for picking Blake as your coach*.
(*Remember when Paula DeAnda picked Blake instead of Shakira in S6? Oh you don't remember Paula DeAnda...EXACTLY.)

Ninth, Braiden Sunshine...can we get him a nickname? Please? He auditioned with "The Mountains Win Again". Eh...his singing is way too subdued even if he's 15 (Did the show go right to high schools across the country this season? I'm older than like half the field right now.) Pharrell and Gwen end up turning at the last minute for him and he picks Gwen as his coach.

Tenth, Michael Woolery; Chuck Woolery's son and famous grandkid of other people. FUN FACT: he tried out for the Sochi Olympics but injury derailed that aspiration. He auditioned with "Say". The audience and coaches didn't "say" jack shit...and ended up a S9 reject.

Closing out Round 1, Barrett Baber who enjoys Missionary...WORK. He's All About that GRACE, Bout that Grace, No Devil...sorry, I'll stop. He auditioned with "Angel Eyes". MJSBIGBLOG and other internet sources spoiled that he was another 4 chair turn. He ends up picking Blake as his coach. Did he deserve all 4 chairs on singing alone? Not really. It was like a less emotional Craig Wayne Boyd but a slightly better Austin Jenckes.

All in all, no favorites yet again. I'll end up 0 for 9 liking the winner...keep the streak alive, I say -_-

Up next for scrutiny, Part II of The Blind Auditions.

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