This List is RANK: The Top 40 Madonna Songs of All Time

She's the Queen of Pop Star Feminism; the reason many female pop acts of today switch up their hair and show skin in-between songs and albums [all in the name of attention and/or artistic expression]. Yes, Madonna has done a lot over her career and in that time (MDNA, Erotica or any American Life track not named "Hollywood or "Die Another Day" being the really bad things.) and these songs are her best...

Here are the Top 40 Madonna Songs of all time as I see fit ***For some reference, I'll be using her compilation album Celebration, her albums Confessions on a Dance Floor, Music & Hard Candy (That sound you heard is a Ciccone-head in your area sharpening a pitchfork and directing it at me.)***
In reality, any song Madonna has put forth is eligible to be on the list in theory, but there is no guarantee the "best" of other people's lists will determine the order of my list. Translation: No overrated shit shall reign supreme nor will absolute shit be allowed entrance (So sorry MDNA tracks; you can't and won't be on the list.)



40. "Spanish Lesson" [from Hard Candy]- The Ciccone-head pet hate is actually one of Madge's lesser offenses. The only thing she has to take righteous hits for is for screwing up even basic Spanish. However, it's Pharrell's production that saves it and allows some enjoyable audio experiences to be had (Basically, it's the "Hollaback Girl" principle in effect.)

39. "Burning Up" [made it to Celebration]- The second song Madonna ever released didn't do much on the charts and on first listen it's sort of hard to understand why. It has all the coquettish idiosyncrasies for which she'd be known for. However, hindsight is 20/20 and this along with the next entry doesn't hold up well.

38. "Everybody" [made it to Celebration]- Madge's debut single (Before "Holiday" had to work 2 jobs to support it and its sister "Burning Up") showcased a lot of potential that ended up paying off...years later. Although a decent offering, "Everybody" lacks instant replay fever. Meaning, you'd have to be in a very specific mood to listen to the song.

37. "Lucky Star" [made it to Celebration]- Compared to Madonna's earliest offerings, this song is simply middle of the road. When on the radio and nothing else good comes on, listen to this pop confection and deal with it. In terms of legacy, it's almost required that more than "Holiday" and "Borderline" be put on a compilation from her self-titled debut.

36. "What it Feels Like For a Girl" [the Music studio album version]- One of Madge's less than subtle attempts at legitimate feminism through music. This song in particular works best in conjunction with the album. On its own, it can't hold a candle past the bottom 5 of this list. Add a mediocre remix that spawned a "controversial" [though not really] music video and this track ran out of interesting things to discuss.

35. "Frozen" [made it to Celebration]- Oh joy; a ballad from Madonna. Considering her balladry is pitiful on a good day, "Frozen" is essentially her best/least offensive attempt. Though it should be noted that brownie points for sonic subtlety are rewarded.

34. "Revolver" ft. Lil' Wayne [from Celebration]- In a battle between Celebration only tracks, "Revolver" technically comes in second [even if the original version of "Celebration" isn't represented here...] Its ranking is not entirely Lil' Wayne's fault; vocally and in terms of presentation, this is when Madonna started to rely on "big names" like a crutch. Still, as an album cut this isn't the worst piece of crap made by her (That distinct "honor" goes to "American Life".)

33. "American Pie" [from the international bonus track version of Music]- Her much maligned cover of the Don McLean "classic". In terms of Madonna catalog, it is a green thumb. However, Madonna's take on certain themes and musical oeuvres is her biggest strength and downfall. So when word of this spread, she was damned from the start. In terms of age, it only ages better than the previous entries.

32. "Material Girl" [made it to Celebration]- This track is often higher on other lists. It won't be here. Why? Her coquettish vocals have seen many a better track; especially when the vocals sound less like a Marilyn Monroe inspired artist and more like a low rent impersonator of Monroe (Though not Ivy Winters in Snatch Game of Marilyn bad.)

31. "Candy Shop" [from Hard Candy]- In terms of songs that would've sucked as a single, this one takes the "Turkish Delight" (Which before "serfboardt", took the prize for the most baffling shit on a female pop record.) As an album cut, it actually benefits from being so genre specific. If Hard Candy had any other song introduce the album, Ciccone-heads might've had a point in hating the album. Still, its super-specific vibes hurt it from advancing into the Top 30 of this list.

SURPRISE!

The direction of my blog will be undergoing a massive change. How? Well, life outside of the keyboard sucks for reasons I choose not to disclose. My head hurts every time I attempt to think about where I'm headed in this life.

As for what can be said, it's this; I am no longer recapping The Voice in its entirety. It is way too draining & S7 really left a bad taste in my mouth. Perhaps I'll start recapping the Live Shows onward only, but that's if I decide to do anything with The Voice other than make indignant, bitchy tweets about it.

As for what will be on here, I'll expand upon music related things I can discuss [along the lines of This List is RANK].

Other than that, this is all I can confirm right now. Thank you if you care. : )

Won The War: Gwen Stefani vs. Fergie

This is a series inspired by a tweet from perpetual lightning rod for controversy Azealia Banks when she inferred that although Michael Jackson won the battle, Prince won the war. This will be my take on which two rivals in packaging in the U.S. Music Industry, won the war in terms of longer success.

The much overdue Round 6 of this series pits No Doubt lead singer, coach of The Voice and pop star in some regard, Gwen Stefani against Black Eyed Peas vocalist and pop star in some regard, Fergie. Both had some high moments in their solo careers before they realized their shelf life belongs with their bands. Yet as always, this question remains...


In longevity terms, who merely won the battle...and who Won the War?


As of the end of 2014, Gwen Stefani has 2 (going on 3) albums to her name; the last proper released one being the 2006 released The Sweet Escape. Fergie just started her second album but has the 2006 released The Dutchess to her name. Here's their charting album peaks from highest to lowest...

Gwen Stefani
- The Sweet Escape peaked at #3
- Love. Angel. Music. Baby. peaked at #5

Fergie
- The Dutchess peaked at #2


Due to the fact that these two have made something of a name for themselves, radio has played their songs every now and again. In terms of longevity when was their last #1 hit on the Hot 100?


*Reminder: Hot 100 ranking does matter if you're absolutely looking for a gauge of where an artist is in terms of popularity*

Gwen's sole #1 hit was the 2005 earworm "Hollaback Girl". 9 years and 2 albums ago...yikes. Fergie's had 3 #1 hits, the last being the 2007 earworm "Big Girls Don't Cry".

The last Top 10 hit? If using the 6-10 traditional scale, Gwen's last Top 10 was the GOD AWFUL "Wind It Up" which peaked at #6. If using the 2-10 variant, Gwen's last Top 10 is "The Sweet Escape" ft. Akon which peaked at #2. Either way, 8 years and 1 album ago...ooof.
Fergie's last Top 10 on the traditional scale can't apply. Using the variant scale, her last Top 10 was "Clumsy" which peaked at #5. 7 years and one album ago...not all the better considering Gwen has 2 albums before 2014.

While acting is considered for this, Gwen has mainly played herself and hasn't had a leading lady role. Fergie on the other hand has tried her hand at acting...with her most famous line being "Linus, you're a sweet baboo." Yes, Fergie played Sally Brown in two Peanuts videos...O_O

Musically, there are naturally some weak points in an artists' career when say...a lead single doesn't go to #1 or released singles chart really low. These are the positions at the lowest of Gwen and Fergie's careers...

Gwen's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "What You Waiting For" at #47 on the Hot 100

- Lowest Charting Released Single: "4 in the Morning" at #54 on the Hot 100

Fergie's Lowest Charting Singles
- Lowest Charting Lead Single: "L.A. Love (La La)" at #27 on the Hot 100

- Lowest Charting Released Single: "L.A. Love (La La)" at #27 on the Hot 100


Their nadirs tell differing stories. Gwen's nadirs came in terms of initial reception and flat out commercial failure. "What You Waiting For" for all of her J-POP influence, left an all too divisive field in people's minds. "4 in the Morning" failed because despite the public forgiveness with allowing her to have a second album [which mind you charted higher than her debut], simply did nothing to service her to keep the momentum going.
Oddly enough her new song "Baby Don't Lie" was almost less of a success as lead single than "What You Waiting For" even though the latter kicks the former in the teeth in quality.

Fergie's nadir is well deserved for 2 reasons. One reason being is that an inability to keep momentum even after so many years can ruin all future efforts at a solo career. At first, she was the clear winner against Gwen with five Top 5 singles vs. Gwen's 3 Top 20 singles not counting the lead. Yet for whatever reason (will.i.am), she was unable to recapture the solo magic that helped her ass in the beginning. The other reason is that "L.A. Love (La La)" is horrendous and irredeemable.

Incidentally, "Baby Don't Lie" and "L.A. Love (La La)" were the comeback into solo forays of both singers. Both songs suck but for whatever reason Fergie's song ended up charting longer and higher than Gwen's. Yet a variable has salvaged Stefani's reputation in music. The thing that has her better liked than Fergie by miles on end. The bands they're with.
No Doubt despite recent mediocre at best success with "Settle Down" and the 2012 album Push and Shove peaking at #3, they retained better vibes on their last work than the Black Eyed Peas and their last album, the 2010 released The Beginning which missed the Top 5 of albums. That 3-4 year gap Fergie was subjected to should've resulted in better music being made (It's a valid point even if it's Fergie. Go with me on this.)
That same gap of 2-3 years can apply to Stefani as well even though she managed to retain her ska meets J-POP influences while Fergie went from "urban" to...whatever the hell "L.A. Love (La La)" called for in musical aesthete.


Now for the final points: iconic singles AKA, the one single people know is by that artist.

Gwen has "Hollaback Girl". Watch any goddamn countdown show of music [VH1, Fuse, etc.] and this song is guaranteed to appear relatively high.

Fergie? At best, "London Bridge" mainly because people were wondering this much: "What the fuck is she talking about in that song?" "Big Girls Don't Cry" might get just as much attention, but in terms of ubiquity, "London Bridge" got the job done a lot better.


For posterity both may have had at least a #1 hit but have come to realize that for better and worse, their bands define them. For Gwen, she's the lead singer. For Fergie, she's been forced to put up with will.i.am when he cared enough to sick anything onto the public.

One is no doubt [pardon the pun] a more charismatic celebrity figure than the other; the other managed to peak higher than the other commercially in round 1; one actually showed up to round 2 and won unopposed; the other had her pitiful comeback single defeat her opponent but at a cost...

The Voice S7: THE 7TH TIME I'VE LOST

After suffering from every decision made since Anita didn't make the Top 10 and the fact that it's finally the Finale Results show, I'm back for one last ride of Season 7.

In an attempt of mutiny I even voted Craig Wayne Boyd AKA Studmuffin of Team Blake to win. It's both in the name of a hopefully attractive winner to come from the show and in some weird bourgeoisie attempt at counter-protest (Translation: pissing off friends of mine on Twitter). In the time not recapping, I've developed a damn good backup plan in the form of MONDAY NIGHT & TUESDAY NIGHT SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE. Don't read anything deeper than it being shit-talking on Twitter.

So crowning off 7 seasons of my favorites losing to talentless fucks, let's recap the only nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery 'n such worth my time...who wins in the long term and who ends up the winner of The Voice *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaade* (Seriously, Beats by Dre is the winner this season with their commercials featuring the contestants. Unlike every winner of the show, Beats by Dre has sold millions.)

Let's play rough and get it on!*

*Oh yeah, the show tried some wildcard shit that didn't do much but say voters of Damien AKA Waterworks suck.*


4th place: Damien from Team Adam. So much for that Wildcard stunt.

3rd place: Chris Jamison of Team Adam. LOL

Runner up: Matt McAndrew of Team Adam. LOLOLOLOLOL

The Voice: Craig Wayne Boyd of Team BLAKE. I am vindicated in some way.


Overall, this is my message to S7 of the NBC Program with Ratings...

The Voice S7: The FATE of S7 II: ULTRA MECHA SEQUELOO

Tonight is another night to determine if S7 stays or gets booted from my eyes until the Finale Results show.

Let's find out if the last artist within my declaration, Anita Antoinette is still in the competition...


Anita is...in the bottom 3...goddamn you voters.

The bottom 3 were...Anita, Not Kelly Clarkson and Vanilla Cookie of Team(s) Gwen and Blake.


East Coast Twitter saved...Vanilla Cookie of Team Gwen

Getting the boot...Anita and Not Kelly Clarkson of Teams Gwen & Blake.

Wrong decision voters. With Anita gone, Season 7 is now officially the worst season of the show.


All in all, my interest in recapping S7 is gone. My favorites went home too soon and some of the worst singers the show has ever had still remain. I should've seen the writing on the wall when only one person made it past the Live Playoffs, but I was foolish enough to have faith that the voting block would do the right thing.

Up next for scrutiny, the Season 7 Finale Results show.

The Voice S7: TENsion Mounting

Another night, another round of questionable things the NBC Program with Ratings parlays at the 8/7c time slot. Tonight, the Top 10 give their pleas for voting for them, though the only competitor worth a damn this season is Anita Antoinette.

These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery, FlirtCruiting, Wild Gimmickry and Scruffy Carson Daly that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!


First up, Chicken Little of Team Adam. He ended up singing "Fix You" by Coldplay. Rehearsals indicate that "versatility" in rock is his biggest obstacle. Also, his confidence is called into question when his falsettos seemed like they were off. Come showtime, it seemed like he was trying but his higher notes are so off. Like he's trying to whisper but emit a falsetto at the same time. He gets even more negative points for hugging some random person in the audience. CHEATER! The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.

Second, Anita AntoiYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS of Team Gwen. She ended up singing "Let Her Go" by Passenger. Rehearsals indicate the song took a little long for her to get. Confidence is something she's still working on, but even that takes years to improve. Come showtime, whoever gave her the Janelle Monae look deserves a raise. Her vocals are consistent but the arrangement isn't indicating much of a difference. We get she's reggae but damn. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.

Third, Waterworks of Team Adam. He ended up singing "You and I" by Stevie Wonder. Rehearsals indicate that hitting the correct money note is his biggest obstacle. Come showtime, his presence feels R&B and as much as I can't stomach him, he actually did a decent showing this week. Not enough to be a new favorite, but whatever. Close enough is just that. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.

Fourth, Not Kelly Clarkson of Team Blake. She ended up singing "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea. *vomits* DQ HER FOR SONG CHOICE IMMEDIATELY. Rehearsals indicate she's going to be a victim of self-sabotage. Come showtime, it was horrible from start to finish. Stuff like this is just a miscast on paper and in execution. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.

Fifth, Goldeneye of Team Pharrell. He ended up singing "Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding. Rehearsals indicate he can't fuck up the song like he did last week. Also, Diana "I'm Coming Out" Ross was on The Voice. Come showtime, he remembered the pacing of the arrangement. So there's that. Alas, he's still beige and overrated and reeks of tryhard habits. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.

Sixth, Studmuffin of Team Blake. He ended up singing "I Walk the Line" by Johnny Cash. Rehearsals indicate this song and his personal story might have to intertwine. At the very least, he's hot with a heart. Like a country teddy bear. Come showtime, he managed to get the vibe of the song and hit a damn strong money note in the end. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.

Seventh, Vanilla Cookie of Team Gwen. He ended up singing "Starlight" by Muse. Rehearsals indicate he can't fuck up twice in a row...good luck gurl. Come showtime, my spirit animal in this moment was Lyndsey Parker of Yahoo! fame. We must've sensed misery inducing blandness from ol' Vanilla Cookie & were sadly not proven wrong. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.

Eighth, Wannabe Whitney of Team Pharrell. She ended up singing "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston. Rehearsals indicate she had the balls to sing that in front of Clive. Davis....O_O Come showtime, it was a sign that Whitney songs shouldn't be done in public again. It wasn't Tessanne pitiful, but no more Whitney songs. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.

Ninth, Hat of Team Gwen. He ended up singing "Come Together" by The Beatles. Only the most pretentious people cover The Beatles at all. Nostalgia poison multiplied by 1000. Rehearsals indicate that he's trying to do something original with the least original source of musical inspiration. Come showtime, he couldn't break through the dense vibes of pretension that come with picking a Beatles song to cover. Also, he looked like a hipster Karate Kid. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.

Closing out the Top 10, Beige Boy-bander of Team Adam. He ended up singing "Uptown Funk" by Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson. Rehearsals indicate making the song less "phonetic" and more "natural". Come showtime, he tried but he was still really off by at least 5 miles. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.


All in all, save Anita Antoinette or I set fire to the rain.

Up next for scrutiny, the Results of the Top 10.

The Voice S7: The Fate of S7

Well, tonight's one night that can determine if S7 limps on another day or if it becomes the WORST. SEASON. EVER. and I don't watch until the finale results show.

Let's find out the fate of S7 by simply finding out if my only favorite left, Anita Antoinette of Team Gwen is still here...

*APPARENTLY; a 4th Wild Card finalist will be determined once the Final 3 are set...I have no idea what this is intended to do.*


Anita is...the SECOND PERSON SAVED! Thank God the voters got it right this week.

Other highlights from this episode are:

Coach's Corner must've felt awkward in some way after a BuzzFeed Brews chat on Facebook revealed Blake siding with Taylor Swift RE: Spotify and Adam being on the side of Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters.

DaNica being the 3rd saved that night...O_O That was a helluva shock considering her "Creep" cover felt a bit too Mariah Carey.

Competition show crossover happened as X Factor UK alumnae Ella Henderson performed her single "Ghost". Cody Belew has yet to be invited to perform, but they'll make room for someone from another show across the pond...-_-

Adam Levine was featured in the weirdest Nissan GT-R commercial I've ever seen. He can still "perform" even though things are going fast. If I want a sex joke without the subtext, I'll stick to my Comedy Central Roasts, "kthnxbai".

Contrary to personal theory that she was working at Blockbuster Video that night, Paula DeAnda from S6 was in the Kohl's style ad the show has...YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS get that exposure coint.

Jessie of Team Blake, Ryan of Team Gwen and Sugar of Team Pharrell made up the bottom 3. East Coast Twitter ended up saving Ryan [Side shade: Craig of Team Blake asked people to save Ryan and not Jessie, his teammate. At least a competitor is here to stay.]


All in all, this season just got another chance to right the wrongs of eliminating my favorites before the Top 10 (at least this week.)

Up next for scrutiny, The Performances of the Top 10.