Another night, another round of questionable things the NBC Program with Ratings parlays at the 8/7c time slot. Tonight, the Top 10 give their pleas for voting for them, though the only competitor worth a damn this season is Anita Antoinette.
These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery, FlirtCruiting, Wild Gimmickry and Scruffy Carson Daly that transpired...
Let's play rough and get it on!
First up, Chicken Little of Team Adam. He ended up singing "Fix You" by Coldplay. Rehearsals indicate that "versatility" in rock is his biggest obstacle. Also, his confidence is called into question when his falsettos seemed like they were off. Come showtime, it seemed like he was trying but his higher notes are so off. Like he's trying to whisper but emit a falsetto at the same time. He gets even more negative points for hugging some random person in the audience. CHEATER! The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.
Second, Anita AntoiYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS of Team Gwen. She ended up singing "Let Her Go" by Passenger. Rehearsals indicate the song took a little long for her to get. Confidence is something she's still working on, but even that takes years to improve. Come showtime, whoever gave her the Janelle Monae look deserves a raise. Her vocals are consistent but the arrangement isn't indicating much of a difference. We get she's reggae but damn. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.
Third, Waterworks of Team Adam. He ended up singing "You and I" by Stevie Wonder. Rehearsals indicate that hitting the correct money note is his biggest obstacle. Come showtime, his presence feels R&B and as much as I can't stomach him, he actually did a decent showing this week. Not enough to be a new favorite, but whatever. Close enough is just that. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.
Fourth, Not Kelly Clarkson of Team Blake. She ended up singing "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea. *vomits* DQ HER FOR SONG CHOICE IMMEDIATELY. Rehearsals indicate she's going to be a victim of self-sabotage. Come showtime, it was horrible from start to finish. Stuff like this is just a miscast on paper and in execution. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.
Fifth, Goldeneye of Team Pharrell. He ended up singing "Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding. Rehearsals indicate he can't fuck up the song like he did last week. Also, Diana "I'm Coming Out" Ross was on The Voice. Come showtime, he remembered the pacing of the arrangement. So there's that. Alas, he's still beige and overrated and reeks of tryhard habits. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.
Sixth, Studmuffin of Team Blake. He ended up singing "I Walk the Line" by Johnny Cash. Rehearsals indicate this song and his personal story might have to intertwine. At the very least, he's hot with a heart. Like a country teddy bear. Come showtime, he managed to get the vibe of the song and hit a damn strong money note in the end. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.
Seventh, Vanilla Cookie of Team Gwen. He ended up singing "Starlight" by Muse. Rehearsals indicate he can't fuck up twice in a row...good luck gurl. Come showtime, my spirit animal in this moment was Lyndsey Parker of Yahoo! fame. We must've sensed misery inducing blandness from ol' Vanilla Cookie & were sadly not proven wrong. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.
Eighth, Wannabe Whitney of Team Pharrell. She ended up singing "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston. Rehearsals indicate she had the balls to sing that in front of Clive. Davis....O_O Come showtime, it was a sign that Whitney songs shouldn't be done in public again. It wasn't Tessanne pitiful, but no more Whitney songs. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.
Ninth, Hat of Team Gwen. He ended up singing "Come Together" by The Beatles. Only the most pretentious people cover The Beatles at all. Nostalgia poison multiplied by 1000. Rehearsals indicate that he's trying to do something original with the least original source of musical inspiration. Come showtime, he couldn't break through the dense vibes of pretension that come with picking a Beatles song to cover. Also, he looked like a hipster Karate Kid. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.
Closing out the Top 10, Beige Boy-bander of Team Adam. He ended up singing "Uptown Funk" by Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson. Rehearsals indicate making the song less "phonetic" and more "natural". Come showtime, he tried but he was still really off by at least 5 miles. The coaches are more positive than the nubby end of a battery. Critique is considered obscene to these people.
All in all, save Anita Antoinette or I set fire to the rain.
Up next for scrutiny, the Results of the Top 10.
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