Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Voice U.S. S5 Recap: Four The Love of God

Adorable blasphemy and/or sacrilege aside (Blasphemy: Pissing Off Zealots 3:16 Ways 'Til Sunday; Sacrilege: Tastes Like Bread and Wine) tonight marked the 4th night of the Blind Auditions. Adam, Christina, Cee-Lo and Blake continue to build their teams of 12 and people on Twitter still wish there was a Team Carson. These are the marklar that revolved around the marklar competing on the marklar (Yes, I just made a South Park joke. No, I don't give a fucking marklar about your sense of humor.)

Let's play rough and get it on!

First up for scrutiny in the Court of Public Opinion was Will Champlin. His Dad was in Chicago (And I bet VoteForTheWorst would pounce on this dude if they didn't go defunct.) Cut past his "wife and kid" story, he auditioned with "Not Over You" by Gavin DeGraw. He wasn't that good, but he got 3 chairs to turn (X-Tina is not tone deaf, thank God) and another "man-fight" ensued. He ends up picking Adam to coach him. I don't care because I thought he sucked.

Second, Macey Estes showed up in a pair of cheetah-print hammer pants (*retches*). An aspiring Hip-Hop ish singer auditioned with "The Way" by Ariana Grande ft. Mac Miller. Her singing was way too shaky with that song. She ends up rapping after her audition and the judges loved it for whatever reason. Maybe she should've done a rap song...or at least practiced with "The Way" with Mac's verse but recited by a female. I'm just saying (And writing and scolding people online. Nothing big.) In conclusion, she became another S5 reject.

Third, Stephanie Anne Johnson a former cruise ship singer looking to *insert sea pun here*. She auditioned with "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall. Personally, her singing was too clean for this song but she did get Cee-Lo and X-Tina to turn towards the end. After some light selling point, Stephanie Ann picks X-Tina to be her coach. Cee-Lo was none too pleased as his sunglasses came off in pretend "FUCK the 18 generations of your ancestors" face.

Fourth up, accidental Macy's men's department model Sam Cerniglia. His outside story is rather touching despite it being from the umbrella of "sob story". He auditioned with "It's A Beautiful Day" by Michael Buble (If it were the Song Choice, he'd be asked to leave). I thought he was done for but he got Blake and Cee-Lo to do some 11th hour turnaround (Insert joke RE: the recent Government Showdown here). He ends up picking Blake as his coach. *yawns* Sorry; yawning after that promotes beauty sleep and I base that on absolutely nothing. : )

Fifth to be scrutinized, Jennifer Newberry. A Swedish immigrant who found inspiration through huge American singers like Mariah Carey and X-Tina. She also looks like eccentric and shiny, happy person Swedish turned U.S. singer Robyn. She auditioned with "Locked Out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars. All I can say, this audition was shakier than Caroline Pannell's nerves. She ends up as another S5 reject, but she, Macey and the other rejects are so goddamn nice.

Oooh; a montage of rejects...better luck next season! NEXT!

Sixth, S4 reject James Irwin. This had me happy as he had me hooked despite singing the cursed song for males of The Voice, "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. This time he auditioned with "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. This time he makes the cut as all of the coaches turned around. The coaches are a bit too civil in trying to win him over. That aside, he picks Adam as his coach. His voice is awesome; 'nuff said.

Seventh, perpetual contest winner (And functioning Mason-Dixon Barbie) Olivia Henken. She thought winning varied talent contest was an easy way to make it in the industry -_- [Bitch, Please]. She auditioned with "Two Black Cadillacs" by Carrie Underwood. She ends up attracting X-Tina and Cee-Lo to turn around. After Cee-Lo deeming her a potential "alternative" artist (Alternative has never been used more inappropriately), she picks X-Tina to coach her.

Eighth, YouTube sensation Jason Kertson. His thing was having posted a video of him playing two guitars at once. Nothing to sneeze at, but that can't be the only interesting thing about him. He auditions with "Lips of An Angel". Oooooh; this was just bad. His singing is deep but pitchy. Yipes; this was awful. His voice was naturally low enough to cut Adam deep (Dear Adam; you sing like you do and get paychecks. Zip it.) He ends up another S5 reject and owner of the deepest voice on a 16 year old that made it to a national TV show's Blind Auditions. You win some; you lose some.

Ninth, R. Anthony who forgot that unprotected sex derails singing careers...err gave up singing to est. a family life. He auditions with "Hall of Fame" by The Script. He isn't terrible and I thought he was screwed when he picked a song by The Script, but X-Tina and Cee-Lo reminded everyone it's just "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" that screws male singers. He picks Cee-Lo to be his coach

Oh a boring contestant that made it montage...Keaira Lashae, Amber Nicole & Emily Randolph made it and hopefully get more screen time in the Battle Rounds. [Although Keaira and Amber should've been shown because they sang "Killing Me Softly" by The Fugees and "Russian Roulette" by Rihanna respectively. 2 kickass songs that didn't see the light of day. BOO!]

Tenth, Justin Chain who fought through a motorcycle accident to be here. He auditioned with "She's Country" by Jason Aldean. Hmmmm; this spells Blake-bait. Congrats on making it, but I don't vote for country artists. Sorry; not really. He defaults to Blake (No, really? How flooring.) and they even note that they're sooooo country. D'awwwwww that's cuter than Paula Deen up a butter tree (Maybe that's a country colloquialism...maybe I made it up; either way, I don't give a fucking marklar.)

Finally, Ashley Dubose who is one of many that juggles a full time job and single motherhood. Seriously, use protection. Derailing singing careers aside, it can bring about bad things. She auditions with "Diamonds" by Rihanna. All 4 coaches turn for someone I actually came to like. The coaches make their cases and Adam goes a bit vindictive with being blatant about wanting to dethrone Blake. I understand completely, but stick with adorable passive aggressive tactics. She picks Adam to be her coach and this marks the umpteenth time Adam has gotten an artist on a 4-Chair Turn.

All in all song choices were a bit more open, but I'm still wanting Lana Del Rey, Kelis and Janelle Monae songs to be performed. However, this group made up for yesterday's showcase. That wasn't hard but still a very good thing.

Up next for scrutiny, part 5 of the Blind Auditions.

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