Monday, September 29, 2014

The Voice S7: Bad Judges of Character

[The episode title is a reference to NBC's latest attempt at a sitcom starring Kate Walsh called Bad Judge.]

Tonight continues the contractual journey Mr. and Mr. Shevine, Pharrell and Gwen Stefani took to perhaps find another shit winner whose album would insult the 99 cent bin the "Kelly Clarkson" the NBC program with ratings needs (You've already defeated The X Factor cleanly and are ready to bury American Idol. Find a winner who doesn't suck.) Standout from week 1 include Clara Hong. Let's hope this standout list can become plural.

These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter and fuckery that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First up for the fire, John Martin; a singer who packs stuff in boxes for a day job. He auditioned with "Sweet Pea" by Amos Lee. It's a bad sign when someone whistles for the first few notes in an audition. It came across like a David Dunn from S2 knockoff but with none of the charm. Amazingly, Adam is the only one who doesn't turn (I side with him on this.) After the fuckery, he picks Blake as his coach.

Second, Jessie Pitts; another competitor who needs a new name. Also, she is the biggest plant to ever plant with three teaspoons and a pinch of plant for accoutrement as it was revealed she worked at a record label. She auditioned with "The Story" by Brandi Carlile. Her breathy tones weren't dulcet nor captivating enough to carry a song like this. Gwen and Blake were the ones who turned for her. Sans cereal related fuckery, she picks Gwen as her coach.

Third, Michael Stein; the musical director who mixes Judaism and a violin...err..."fiddle". O_O He auditioned with "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by Charlie Daniels. He played this "fiddle" thing, was terrible with the song and got no chairs. Bye Mr. Stein. Nice knowing you.

Fourth, Ricky Manning; a shy-guy singer *snores* sorry, what? He auditioned with "Love Me Again". I wasn't terribly convinced he was more than a Battle Round foot note. The singing took a long time for anything decent to come forth. Blake and Pharrell end up turning for him. After the fuckery, he ends up picking Pharrell as his coach.

REJECT MONTAGE! Better luck next season.

Fifth, Kelli Douglas; Mom with Dreams and has a degree in Corporate Communications. SHE.E.O realness at The Voice Ball EXTRAVAGANZA! She auditioned with "Danny's Song" by Kenny Loggins. This one was actually good despite her song selection. All but Gwen turn for her and I side with the coaches who turned. She had very nice clean and inviting tones. After Adam tried to "flirt-cruit" her, she picks Adam as her coach. #FlirtCruit is now a thing, y'all.

Sixth, Blessing Offor; another plant as it was revealed he played at the Kennedie Center [home of the honors in their name]. Also, he happens to be blind. He auditioned with "Just The Two of Us". I actually liked his sound. At the last minute, all 4 coaches turn for him. Once they didn't turn a blind eye for him (Goddamnit.) he picks Pharrell as his coach.

Seventh, Troy Ritchie; he decides to be "cute" and do some impersonations. This ain't America's Got Talent, muthafucka. He auditioned with "Out of My League". He was out of The Voice's league that's for sure. He was doing his best not to strain, but man was he straining like he was running too much. Gwen was the only one to turn for him. O_o Gwen; NO. He defaulted to her as she was the only one to turn for him.

Eighth, Cole Wilkinson; a Texas boy so white and country I thought of Hee-Haw in the 70s. He auditioned with "Classic" by MKTO. He fits the song (Some T, Some Shade) due to his non-threatening whiteness. Due to his singing being terrible, he ends up another reject. Rejects on this show are so nice <3

Ninth, Mia Pfirrman; her parents were in a group called September. Forget PLANT; she's a SEED. She auditioned with "Unconditionally" by Katy Perry. -_- A Katy song that isn't "Fireworks" or "Hot N Cold"? BYE FELICIA. Her singing was sorely lacking in anything good; she strained for some notes so much. All 4 chairs turned and I hate all the coaches. After some serious overpraising from the coaches, she picks Adam as her coach.

BORING PEOPLE MONTAGE...congrats to these people who made it but don't get the good side filmed yet...

Alessandra Castronovo [Team Adam]; Jordy Sercy [Team Pharrell] and Kensington Moore [Team Blake].

Tenth, Bree Fondacaro; she helps her Mom and Dad with their music program. She auditioned with "It Ain't Me Babe" by Bob Dylan. I detected some Grace Askew level "bluntry" bullshit. Not worth my time, but that's just me. She ends up defaulting to Blake's team and I wasn't surprised. I smelled some country-ish bullshit to begin with.

Finally, Anita Antoinette who auditioned back in S3 but took her sweet ass time to return. She auditioned with "Turn Your Lights Down Low" by Bob Marley. MJSBIGBLOG spoiled that she ended up a 4-chair turn. Was it justified? I think so as she was able to overcome whatever topophobia [stage fright] she had in the past. After the fuckery, she picked Gwen as her coach.

Overall S7 seems to be victim of the recurring theme when singers pick really beige/overdone/safe songs. Can someone take a risk and perform anything by Cody Belew, Steve Grand, Kelis, Lana Del Rey, Janelle MonaƩ, Lady Gaga, Azealia Banks or Donna Summer please?

Up next for scrutiny, Part IV of the Blind Auditions.

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