Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Voice S7: Blind Auditions II: The Electric Sequeloo Remake's Revenge

Tonight marks the second round of auditions for the NBC show with ratings (Parenthood and such...this is where you walk out of the room.) The only standout from last night? Clara Hong (Though I'm sure other recappers fixated right on Taylor John Williams because he hopped on the good foot and did the Dia Frampton/Lindsay Paveo thing.)

These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter and fuckery that commenced...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First up in the Court of Public Opinion, Danica Shirey; a Mom with Dreams...impress me with singing and can your tears. Notsorryboutit. She auditioned with "Big White Room" by Jessie J. Adam, Gwen & Pharrell turn for her. Her singing was OK at best; the little nymph-like or fairy-like notes in the beginning just sounded like she was sharp. After the needless fuckery, she picked Pharrell as her coach.

Second, Joe Kirk...I swear his name type was on S3. O_o He auditioned with "Lego House" by Ed Sheeran. All the coaches turn for him. He's got the non-threatening thing Sheeran has going for him, but as a singer he sounds sorely underdeveloped yet straining. After fuckery from Blake in a giant hat, he picks Adam as his coach.

Third, Menlik Zergabachew...something or other ("Sweetheart; I'm sure you're lovely, but get a goddamn stage name"). He needs a stage name fast. He auditioned with "Santeria" by Sublime. His vibe gives reggae so it was shocking to see Blake turn first. Eventually Gwen turns around and the fuckery became country vs. ska. Sans fuckery, he picks Gwen as his coach.

Fourth, Jimi Milligan; a Dad with Dreams whose sob story will not make up for anything he does on stage. He auditioned with "Get Ready". Hmmm...his singing was reminiscent of Austin Jenckes from S5; clean but lackluster. The result is him becoming a S7 reject. Remember; the rejects of this show are soooo nice.

Fifth, Reagan James who's from the same place in Texas as Kelly Clarkson. YOU AIN'T KELLY CLARKSON, GURL. She auditioned with "Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran. Gwen and Blake end up turning for her even though she wanted Pharrell to be her coach. Fuckery aside she later picks Blake as her coach. R&B singer on a country team...BYE FELICIA. You'll never be heard from again.

Sixth, Taylor Phelan. He auditions with "Sweater Weather" by the NBHD. The Voice's Twitter account spoiled that he gets all 4 chairs to turn. Singing terms has this one joining the non-threatening white guy motif; could be good but so vanilla and beige. Sans coach fuckery, he ends up picking Pharrell as his coach.

Seventh, Caitlin "PEZ is LYFE <3" Lucia who happened to swagger-jack Caroline Pennell from S5. She auditioned with "You're The One That I Want" by Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta. She gave it a way too subtle take on it and it bit her on the ass as she became a reject of S7.

Eighth, Sugar Joans...that's not a porn star name...that's her name. She auditioned with "Chain of Fools" by Aretha Franklin. I can't with this one trying to be all Christina Aguilera minus the talent. At the last minute, Sugar is saved by Gwen and Blake. I highly disagree with this decision. Sans Pharrell's horny ass being frustrated he isn't getting "Sugar", she picks Gwen as her coach. (*Sugar...I'll tell you what I told Anna Mae Bullock and Dustin Hatzenbuhler; get a goddamn stage name.*)

Ninth, Taylor Brashears who serves from a food truck by day and sings by not food truck food slinging hours. She auditioned with "You Ain't Woman Enough (To Take My Man)" by Loretta Lynn. All but Gwen turn around for her (Thank you Gwen oh so much.) Sans the fuckery, she picks Blake to be her coach. -_- My ZOD I am shocked. -_- -_- -_- -_-

Tenth, Andy Cherry who happens to be all "Twerking 4 Jesus". He reveals he once had a record deal with a Christian music label but low sales made everything awry. Forget PLANT; this dude is a mustard seed. He auditioned with "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" by Tears for Fears. Sadly he was not able to follow the North Star and became another S7 reject.

Finally, Maiya Sykes. She auditioned with "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith. BEGONE, terrible song and selector of said song. Yale education with triple major be damned. She got all 4 chairs to turn and that means nothing if I can already smell a HRFH style edit. Ugh, once they asked her if she could sing their favorite page of the phone book, she picks Pharrell as her coach.

Overall. 2 nights down and SHEEZUS knows how many more nights of auditions turned Battle Rounds 1 and 2 to go...and I will be recapping and reading for filth as I see fit.

Up next for scrutiny, Part III of the Blind Auditions.

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