Monday, December 7, 2015

The Voice S9: Choppin' 9 to 4

...what a way to make a clearance! The NBC Program with Ratings has a weird tradition of what actually gets shown; 400 hours of Battle Rounds, 2,603,040 hours of needless banter by coaches who can't coach knockoff purses and at times .3 seconds of contestants trying to sing live. Weird as fuck, right?

Needless fuckery aside, this week is special as all 9 of the remaining contestants were mentored by Dolly Parton. Yeah, the country music Pamela Anderson breast joke...I mean superstar was there [and at some point will perform or will have performed "Coat of Many Colors" with that She-Devil of S3 AKA The OTHER Pope I hate].

***NOTE: After 3 performances, it was apparent that Dolly Parton and co. are performing TOMORROW night as this mentored thing never made it to air this week...

As to how this 9 to 4 thing works, it works like this; the bottom 3 in voting are automatically axed. Then the Top 3 in voting are in automatically. The middle 3 (middle "3" my ass; there's been WAY more than 3 middle contestants on this season) are the ones who sing for East Coast Twitter to determine which one gets to stay. So in some way it's like the Voice Save but with 2 death spots instead of 3.

The "spared" of Jeffery Austin, Madi Davis and Shelby Brown look to be screwed by this system even with Jeffery having the 2nd most iTunes bonuses of S9 behind "Aw-hell Adkins" of Team Adam. Madi could end up in the middle group while Shelby looks to be screwed the most as she's been called towards the back for almost every elimination thus far.

Of the "shelf" contestants, "Aw-hell Adkins" is safe because singing a terrible Sia song as terribly as Sia and being one of the most overrated contestants in Voice history is enough "goodwill" for the public. -_- Team Blake blind loyalty could also screw everything up as he's only placed 2nd in S1 and 3rd in S5. With any luck, "Viva Laughlin" and "Miranda BLAND-bert" are booted alongside whoever of the good contestants gets gypped. "Vanilla Intract" could be in the finale as well even though she doesn't deserve it. If "Chris Colf-slaw" makes the finale I SET FIRE TO THE RAIN.

I've had it with contemplation; let's just play rough and get it on!

The "Shelf"

"Aw-hell Adkins"- Closing out the Top 9...-______- BLAM this hack. It's in vain but BLAM, BLAM, BLAM do not vote for this hack. He ended up with one of Cody Belew's signature numbers, "Somebody to Love" by Queen. HELL TO THE NO...JESUS, IYANLA AND OTHERS CANNOT FIX THIS BLASPHEMY.

"Vanilla Intract"- 8th of the night; she ended up with "To Make You Feel My Love" by Bob Dylan. He's a big deal or something. She was instructed to "Norah Jones"/"Cafe" this song but make it her special blend of BLAH-TTE.

/*cue Coffee commercial reading voice*

With Amy Vachal signature label BLAH-TTE with "Vanilla Intract", you can be the type who can enjoy a cafe style performance but not worry about having to actually enjoy the artist in question.
Amy Vachal signature label BLAH-TTE with "Vanilla Intract" is made with the most marginal of artistic resources and is endorsed by the likes of Adam "Get me a sandwich" Levine.

Amy Vachal signature label BLAH-TTE with "Vanilla Intract"; for when you think Madi Davis is too hardcore and angsty!

/*end coffee commercial reading voice*

"Chris Colf-slaw"- 4th of the night; -______- he ended up blaspheming "Amazing Grace". In the words of The Legends Panel member "Whitney Houston"..."My Jesus can't fix it; maybe John the BAPTIST..."

"Chicken Fried Chicken"- 1st if the night; BAHAHAHAHAHAHA he got the death spot. He ended up being assigned "Ghost" by Ella Henderson [...give yourself time to look her up through Wikipedia]. Apparently, the set design was predicting that this square was just going to be there and do nothing. The brief of wanting to "swamp" up this song wasn't helping him to being with nor was his lower register which sounded so bum, it was asking for a quarter.
After realizing this song had been recycled after montage victim and robbed Battle Round casualty Cassandra Robertson sang this for her fucking Blind Audition, I also realized Barrett made this supposed to be short performance sound like it was going on for 15 minutes. GURL. BYE.

"Miranda BLAND-bert"- 7th of the night; "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton...that's the song she should have NEVER been assigned. I like drag queens in Nashville were reading her for filth in our minds. On top of her bland, middling, terrible vocals GURL HAD NO STAGE PRESENCE. In the words of Milan from S4 of RuPaul's Drag Race, "Gurl, this is Drag RACE; not Drag WALK."

"Viva Laughlin"- 5th of the night; He ended up with "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. I hate him, but DAMN on giving him THAT song to do; he isn't that terrible. He still sucks vocally, but he did give emotional depth (That thing Dez Duron never quite could even though in looks, Dez still wins there.)

The Spared

Madi Davis- 6th of the night; she ended up being assigned "Big Girls Don't Cry" by The Four Seasons. In terms of vibe, this actually made sense; vintage but not totally out there in the name attempted artistry. Come showtime, her style proved she had been the most consistent performer of S9. Even with the set design looking like Gwen Stefani's video for "Cool", Madi thrived in that environment.

Jeffery Austin- 3rd of the night; -_______- so much for that underdog story arc. He ended up with "Believe" by Cher. GAY ANTHEM UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER! Then he proceeds to reveal that this will be done [not a la Elton John like Gwen tried to point out] in a Sam Smith style. -________________- Set design is shady as fuck as he started out in a LIT. DOORWAY. THE SHADE of it all.
His singing did possess a nice clarity and developed projection even with the Sam Smith vibes [which isn't singing ability but presentation]. At least he has a confirmed swan song. T_T

Shelby Brown- 2nd of the night; yup, she's screwed in terms of performance number. "Even God Must Get the Blues" by Jo Dee Messina was picked by her because it's her favorite song. Come showtime, she has established that she was about being one of these "movers" in terms of performance. By that, I mean she's the type of singer that attempts to be "moving" or be a "tear-jerker" type of singer. At the very least, she has technical and a bit of emotive skill. Adam didn't fuck up coaching but producers did not see it for her given her order number for performances.

All in all, fandoms look to erupt all over The NBC Program with Ratings' Twittersphere.

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