Monday, December 14, 2015

The Voice S9: Jord-ASS Jeans

Tonight marks the first installment of the second worst winner of The NBC Program with Ratings' coronation (The She-Devil of S3 shall always be the worst winner. ALWAYS). While Jeffery Austin was never a pure favorite due to the Sam Smith vibes he never got out of, he will be the last chance worth taking for the "spared"/favorites.

As for the contestants voted through Team Blake blind loyalty? Congratulations; once again, country singers have taken the place of much more worthy contestants who sing actual genres of music.

Hey Blake and Blake voters...right here, you chicken-fried twits.

Pharrell being out of the competition is sort of worth it considering how hard he screwed Evan McKeel over but sad because Madi Davis is out of the running.

Now comes the time to see one last solo performance a duet that means nothing AND a holiday song. Let's just play rough and get it on!

Jeffery Austin

Solo: "Stay" by Sugarland...FUCKING REALLY? Gwen, you are fired from life for allowing this song into Jeffery's repertoire. At least he gets credit for applying his I Can't Believe It's Not Sam Smith vibes to the song.

Duet: "Leather and Lace"...isn't this the song Casey Weston defeated Tim Mahoney in S1 to? Jeffery was good but the "black vs. white" color scheme of the staging and Gwen's outfit was partially distracting. What the lemon-scented FUCK was she wearing? Was she trying to serve 2018 Winter Olympics realness or what?

Holiday: "O Holy Night"...O_O well of all the nights to sound off-key and like pitch was an issue in the beginning. I think you're pretty Jeffery, but that performance was terrible.

"Aw-hell Adkins"

Solo: -_______- "Climb Every Mountain" from The Sound of Music...a song blessed by Lady Gaga on TV? STEP OFF, YOU HORRIBLE LESSER. I hate his singing every week so this time, it's the set design that'll earn my ire. How are you going to have a scaled down version of Quan Chi's revenant pool from Mortal Kombat X? On top of that what's with the White After Labor Day Chorus Line?

Duet: "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys; God only knows why Adele's before picture is still there. Now...of the coaches duet choices, naturally Blake is the worst ["Rhinestone Cowboy"? Really bitch?] but Adam comes a close second with this. The Beach Boys were played out by their 5th song.

Holiday: "Mary Did You Know"...I hated this one too. Hype never gets me excited/riled up, etc. I've always hated his strained vocals and detached persona of "I'm so ~unique~ but people in Kentucky think I'm so 'weird'..." but apparently, "SOOOOOOOOO MANY" people can't be wrong. -__-

"Chicken Fried Chicken" & "Miranda BLAND-bert" performed as well, but country = who gives a shit?

Predictions: The show has made it less than subtle that they want Jordan Smith to win and he doesn't deserve it. The predictions around are for 2nd place/possible upset, though an "upset" would mean the show wants an underdog and that was killed with iTunes voting.

Jeffery Austin making it to the finale is already a huge achievement for Gwen...however, the Jordan stans along with the Chicken Fried Frau for country voters will most likely have Jeffery in 4th place.

Barrett Baber got through for no good goddamn reason other than his sob story being milked "farm fresh" every other week. He could place 2nd ahead of Emily-Ann or 3rd ahead if Jeffery stans vote and get him 2nd (Sorry Emily-Ann, but you're 3rd-4th anyway. Congrats on advancing, though.)

2nd place/upset territory is either Jeffery or Barrett's for the taking; probably Barrett since that Southern fried voting block likes to fuck things up for everyone.

All in all, I'll hate the winner of S9 and will have pretty much had enough with the show and its voting block. Recap the results tomorrow! (Remember to pay attention in the last 5 minutes)

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