Undiscovered vs. Willa Was Here vs. Paris REVEAL DAY 1

Welcome to the 2nd ever rate reveal for Unintentionally RATESist where we find out how Undiscovered, Willa Was Here and Paris measure up against one another.

Today, we take out the trash and subpar material alike and chop #39 to #21. After the DEAD LAST LOSER, there are two scores of 0 before we move into the 1-4 material and even two scores of 5 to face the ax. As with last time, singles outrank album tracks unless the tracks are better or the single blows.

*NOTE: Because these albums were previously discussed upon, my comments from that will be appearing. Hey, most of these albums are recycled so I can recycle too.*

As to what constitutes the last place song this time? Nothing says begging for last place than trying to split the difference with a coming of age song and a "look at my hot body" song.

DEAD LAST LOSER

39. Brooke Hogan - Beautiful Transformation: 0 the first artist to take a hit is Brooke Hogan and no song is more deserving of last place status than this fucking dumpster fire. This is like a mansplained version of Britney's "I'm Not A Girl...Not Yet a Woman" down to the creepy shit someone had Brooke sing for the first 0:49 seconds.

*Or is it a predator written version of "I'm a Slave 4 U"...I can't tell when it comes to rewrites of a Britney song but without the sharp lyrical nuance or the ability to not sound like the creepiest shit this side of Lolita.*

Now onto the trash that while still bad isn't as atrocious as the last entry.

38. Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind: 0 Paris takes its first hit of the rate with its worst song now having been chopped 2nd to last. Her only hit song as it peaked at #18 on the Hot 100. See what fame from a sex tape and reality TV show fame can bring? The beat is more bubblegum than the typical Storch tinkering, but Paris' vocals are all hers (That's not a compliment this time.)

She's a competent vocalist in the most generous sense of the word. Lyrical pyrite [meaning the lyrics suck at large] and slight ambition gone awry on the bridge reminds us that if Paris' music career was meant to last on a scale where people were supposed to care, she needed a lot of work. Specifically, having more than one style of delivery of the songs. Her style is best described as "Laissez-faire, nonchalant rich girl." Like what Selena Gomez does now except for all the serious money to Paris' name.

37. Brooke Hogan - Low Rider Jeans: 0 getting the last 0 wedgie is the other bit of dumpster fire from Undiscovered. Be warned; what this song does to a sample of "Lowrider" by War is considered a hate crime to LULAC. In 3 seconds, this song manages to sour the mood when apparently, a nickname for the fashion staple of the early to mid 00s, low rider jeans is "dun-dun-dun-duns".

"Hey guys, have you seen my dun-dun-dun-duns?"

- Brooke Hogan, souring the mood on her album

Just when you thought that was the worst part...then the song starts. Not even a minute in, I had had enough of this shoddily thrown together album and its bad sample work. "Low Rider Jeans hug a little tighter" is not the most disturbing thing said on this album but it's certainly the least palatable.

Now with the 0s out of the way, time for the 1-4 parade of trash to subpar material. YAY...first to get hit in this category...

36. Brooke Hogan - Heaven Baby (ft. Beenie Man): 1 this will not end well for Brooke today. Another product of its time but this time with the added bonus of disturbing lyrics. "I could wear you on my sleeve/Even when you're makin' me bleed". *record scratch* what the fuck? Without considering the fact this sounds like an omen for "(Flex) All In My Head" by Fifth Harmony, this is bad.

35. Brooke Hogan - Dance Alone (ft. Nox): 2 another song from Undiscovered to get its kneecaps busted, it's a song that had me beg this question; Oh dear GOD who allowed someone to use a Street Fighter midi file on this song? [Like this is when you fight DeeJay in Hyper Street Fighter II] Wait, this is like "Una Noche" by 98 Degrees but a tackier rewrite of it. Brooke again is relegated to the Ashanti role of hook girl on her own song.

34. Brooke Hogan - My Number (ft. $tacks): 2 yikes, Brooke's album is getting its ass kicked but considering what's been chopped, it's what the album deserves. Hogan's vocals aren't the worst thing ever, but this production and pop act matchup was really bad. Not that I was expecting lyrical depth on this album but who the fuck would ever sing "I'm gonna write my information on this napkin" to a diluted urban/pop beat?

33. Paris Hilton - Not Leaving Without You: 2 and Paris' album takes its 2nd hit with this trash getting the ax. Paris' monotonous vocal emissions even surrounded with great pop production, are really annoying. The party girl persona wore thin about 7 tracks ago.

32. Paris Hilton - Heartbeat: 3 the 3rd hit delivered to Paris' album and all I can remember saying is I swear I heard this crappy 80s pop beat before.

31. Brooke Hogan - One Sided Love: 3 taking a 6th direct hit is Undiscovered. "One Sided Love"? More like "Lop Sided Album", but cute guess. Quick math lesson, kids: Danity Kane demo + that sheen of a white girl MySpace page = this song.

Breaking in the Top 30 is...

Unintentionally RATESist: Undiscovered vs. Willa Was Here vs. Paris

A series using my rejected ideas for popheads album rates [and rates I've never submitted alike], scoring them and revealing my results in the style of 3 day rate reveals.

After the absolute THOTpocalypse from the last rate, let's keep the HOmentum going with a rate of three of the four albums from the previous series The THOT That Counts, Brooke Hogan's Undiscovered, Willa Ford's Willa Was Here and Paris Hilton's Paris. The tracklists were mentioned and the commentary is there as well so all I need to do is score the albums. *remembers Brooke's album is technically 16 fucking tracks long* shit.

39 tracks total are being rated with Paris being the only release without a bonus track, Willa Was Here having an Australian bonus track and Undiscovered having both an iTunes bonus track and Japanese bonus track on top of 14 other fucking tracks to reckon with.

Here's what's being rated:

Undiscovered
About Us
Heaven Baby (ft. Beenie Man)
Next Time
For a Moment
My Space
All About Me
My Number (ft. Stack$)
Beautiful Transformation
Certified
One Sided Love
Letting Go
Dance Alone (ft. Nox)
Love You, Hate You
Incognito
Low Rider Jeans
Crazy Love

Willa Was Here
I Wanna Be Bad
Did Ya' Understand That
Ooh Ooh
Tired
Joke's On You
Tender
Don't You Wish
Prince Charming
Somebody Take the Pain Away
Haunted Heart
Dare
All the Right Moves

Paris
Turn It Up
Fightin' Over Me
Stars Are Blind
I Want You
Jealousy
Heartbeat
Nothing In This World
Screwed
Not Leaving Without You
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy


See what prospers, see what gets the ax, etc. when the rate reveal posts go up.

Tasty vs. PCD vs. Dangerously in Love REVEAL DAY 3

After finishing the hack job that Dangerously in Love started and even broke some kneecaps on the other two albums, Unintentionally RATESist welcomes you to Day 3/the Finale of the Tasty vs. PCD vs. poor little tink tink.

To refill your cups of Earl Grey, here's the Top 10 vying for not only a place on the podium [Top 3] but also the title of WINNER of the rate:

Tasty: Trick Me, Keep It Down, Flashback, Protect My Heart, Stick Up & Glow


PCD: Beep, Stickwitu, Buttons & Wait a Minute


Now the time has come for a bit of a cull of the wild...

10. Kelis - Glow (feat. Raphael Saadiq): 10 Kelis can handle very mature R&B/crossover pop and Saadiq’s production here works very well on the album.

9. Kelis - Stick Up: 10 easily the best non-single cut on the album. Contemporary for the time of release but also very stark and almost lo-fi for something with the “urban pop” label to it. Kelis usually sounds great on tracks where she can exude power in some type of “I got you”/allegiance manner.

8. Kelis - Protect My Heart: 10 the production is pert near immaculate and Kelis’ delivery can make an admittedly tacky sounding chorus sound so heartfelt.

7. Pussycat Dolls - Wait A Minute: 10 when Timbaland ruled the world of production, this was one of his crowning achievements. Years later, it holds up very well while also recalling the magical time of the mid-00s.

6. Pussycat Dolls - Buttons: 10 the solo…the PCD only edit I mean…or the version you’re expecting with Snoop Dogg, this song kicks so much ass and if you don’t have a stripper routine to this, you’re not human.



Breaking the Top 5 is...
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5. Kelis - Keep It Down: 10 easily one of the most unique songs to a pop diva’s name. Guitar and a touch of rock is one of Kelis’ greatest assets as very few black women in major label pop explores rock elements at all despite Tina Turner being the face of Rock and Roll.

Oh look a 2 on 2 match. See what happens when I rate good albums? Now onto to the part that should hurt...

Narrowly missing the podium is...
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4. Pussycat Dolls - Beep: 10 one of the few things will.i.am has done right and in all honesty is the best pop song to The Pussycat Dolls’ name. The beep itself is used really well and is oh so cheeky in the best way.

Say hi to the podium, Stickwitu, Trick Me and Flashback...

Now on to the top results...

Tasty vs. PCD vs. Dangerously in Love REVEAL DAY 2

After butchering Dangerously in Love worse than the producers did, Unintentionally RATESist welcomes you all to Day 2 of the Tasty vs. PCD vs. Dangerously in Love rate reveal. Today we ax #20 - 11 and reveal the Top 10 for Day 3.

Here's what's vying for the Top 10 of the rate:

Dangerously in Love: The Closer I Get To You, Crazy in Love, Baby Boy, Naughty Girl and Me, Myself & I.

PCD: Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go, How Many Times, How Many Lies, Buttons, Don't Cha, Stickwitu, Beep and Wait a Minute


Tasty: Trick Me, Milkshake, Keep it Down, Flashback, Protect My Heart, Glow, Rolling Through the Hood and Stick Up

First thing's first, that last score of 6 before we get into acceptable material scores...

20. Beyonce - The Closer I Get To You (duet with Luther Vandross): 6 generous scoring because at least Luther sounded invested on this.

We break into the 7 scores and above so these cuts are gonna hurt only a little...starting with a meh cover...

19. Pussycat Dolls - Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go: 7 not that covering this song is a sin, but the Dolls try to split the difference between Gloria Gaynor’s original version and the Soft Cell cover and just end up proving “SOS” by Rihanna did this immensely better.

18. Kelis - Rolling Through The Hood: 8 in a way, I can’t stand the Kaleidoscope throwback sound but I can understand why this track exists on Tasty. It shows that despite the direction of Tasty, The Neptunes and Kelis are a natural match.

17. Kelis - Milkshake: 8 Kelis’ biggest hit in the U.S. and lead single for the album. Sure, its mythos of “Awesomely Bad” on VH1, Making the Band routine montage, immortal stripper anthem status is impressive. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; there are better Kelis songs in existence but hey…

Surely this Beyonce song is Top 10, right? Bitch, bye...

16. Crazy In Love (Feat. Jay-Z): 8 hate me later, but especially up against other Beyonce songs, this one does not hold its own. Sure it launched Beyonce but this is nowhere near her greatest or in her Top 40 or Top 50 songs ever made.

Breaking the Top 15 is a song performed better on TV...

15. Pussycat Dolls - How Many Times, How Many Lies: 8 Nicole’s technique is great but her lack of emotive abilities works against her. Plus, Girlicious proved what it could sound like with more than one vocalist on it which brings about Diane Warren’s immense songwriting talent.

Now we get into the 10s that aren't quite up to snuff for the Top 10...starting off with...

14. Beyonce - Baby Boy (Feat. Sean Paul): 10 ages well in its own right even if it has the makings of “2004 as fuck” written all over it. Sean Paul feels essential and Beyonce was on fire vocally.

13. Beyonce - Naughty Girl: 10 this is how you interpolate Donna Summer PROPERLY, PUSSYCAT DOLLS. Of the singles from the album, this is one that doesn’t get enough love.

Bey isn't gonna get tanked at the #12 spot...that's for...

12. Pussycat Dolls - Don’t Cha: 10 while this is a signature track, exemplified stripper anthem realness, there are better Pussycat Dolls tracks but this song still slays.

Losing out on Day 2 at #11...let's see...we have 10 spots...6 for Kelis, 4 for Pussycat Dolls...
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and none for Beyonce...

11. Beyonce - Me, Myself and I: 10 vocally, this is Beyonce’s strongest and most emotive effort on this album. Beautifully sung and showed off her immense control.

Yes, that means in a stunning decision, not one track from Dangerously in Love made the Top 10. I have a very good reason for that: her album is fucking awful.

Dangerously in Love: 4.9

I've always thought of Beyonce's debut being her worst and having listened through it I now know why. The shit presented before her at large is just that; shit. Beyonce did manage to show off her control on tracks worth a damn, but the album’s biggest problem is how much of it reads as “Destiny’s Child first drafts”. Thankfully, the saying from horseshit comes flowers came true for Beyonce as her subsequent albums have managed to be largely listenable [even Lemonade if I can get past the crappy poetry and poorly marketed single choices.]

The TOP 10

Tasty: Trick Me, Keep It Down, Flashback, Protect My Heart, Stick Up & Glow

PCD: Beep, Stickwitu, Buttons and Wait a Minute

See how Day 3 unfolds when it gets posted.

Tasty vs. PCD vs. Dangerously in Love REVEAL DAY 1

Well damn, that was quick. 42 songs ain't shit to get through. Welcome to the first Unintentionally RATESist rate reveal of Tasty vs. PCD vs. Dangerously in Love. Today we reveal #42 to #21 because I have a desire to pert near massacre the worst album in this lot.

The structure is as follows: the dead last loser, the song in last place is revealed followed by every low score until we get to the highest for the day. Using the 0-10 scale and one score of 11 to reign supreme over all, I'm pleased and amazed only two songs garnered a 0. Singles outrank album cuts unless the single blows/album cut is better. If some songs have the same score and look tied, believe me; I can rank them properly even if they have the same score.

Let's get to taking out the trash for most of Day 1. First thing's first, the DEAD LAST LOSER came between a bad cover and a bad song from Dangerously in Love...well at least one of them. Which sucks more?

DEAD LAST LOSER

42. Pussycat Dolls - Feelin’ Good: 0 the cover that won’t fucking die. In PCD world, this Nina Simone song is apparently a torchy/intimate/soft lighting burlesque number. It makes sense, but this cover sucks.

narrowly escaping DLL status is...

41. Beyonce - Daddy: 0 JESUS this is one of the worst ways to close an album.

now for the rest of the trash of Day 1 starting off with a terrible single choice...

40. Kelis - Millionaire (feat. Andre 3000): 1 The 3rd single from the album and all I have to say is…really? It’s not the first collaboration between Kelis and Andre but this one proves that it doesn’t work at all. There’s such a clash between the levels of funk/weirdness between the two of them. It’s actually quite unpleasant mixed in with the twinkly beat.

39. Pussycat Dolls - Flirt: 1 what the fuck is this half-assed Avril level demo “punk” pop? I don’t know but apparently, it’s up to snuff on a Pussycat Dolls album.

38. Pussycat Dolls - Hot Stuff (I Want You Back): 1 a surefire way to piss me off is to fuck up a DONNA SUMMER sample/inadvertent tribute. This isn’t their worst song but JESUS FUCK I hate this song.

37. Beyonce - Signs (Feat. Missy Elliott): 1 get this Eurovision attempt at a Zodiac themed song the fuck out of my presence.

36. Beyonce - Speechless: 1 I’m Speechless how the fuck I can hate a song at six minutes when I’m a fan of “Rocket”…oh wait, “Rocket” is actually good.

35. Beyonce - That's How You Like It (Feat. Jay-Z): 1 this is tripe, weak shit.

Now to break into the scores of 3 or higher but still largely trash section of the rate, starting off with...

34. Beyonce - Be With You: 3 sweet sentiment but this song is mostly made of suck.

33. Pussycat Dolls - We Went As Far As We Felt Like Going: 3 Less Pussycat Dolls for an album and more an audition for the Sex and the City movie soundtrack. It makes sense to close the album…I think.

32. Pussycat Dolls - I Don’t Need A Man: 4 less self-empowerment anthem and more of a glorified Kotex or feminine hygiene product jingle.

31. Kelis - Attention (feat. Raphael Saadiq): 4 on a Raphael Saadiq album, this would make sense. On Tasty, this is kind of a sore thumb especially considering Kelis’ vocals aren’t complimented well on this track.

Unintentionally RATESist: Tasty vs. PCD vs. Dangerously in Love

A series using my rejected ideas for popheads album rates [and rates I've never submitted alike], scoring them and revealing my results in the style of 3 day rate reveals.

First thing's first, the series has a name. Welcome to Unintentionally RATESist and kicking off the series is a rate between Kelis' 3rd album Tasty, The Pussycat Dolls' debut album PCD and Beyonce's debut, Dangerously in Love...better known as...

For this rate I'll be using the standard edition of Kelis and Beyonce's albums with 13 and 14 tracks respectively ["Intro" is omitted as is "Beyonce interlude"] and the revised edition of The Pussycat Dolls' album which clocks in at 15 tracks. 42 tracks total which shouldn't be a complete pain in the ass to pull off.

What has these albums pitted against each other is that each of them contains at least one quintessential piece of urban labeled pop glory that makes people think they can be strippers.

Here's what's being rated:

Tasty
Trick Me
Milkshake
Keep It Down
In Public (feat. Nas)
Flashback
Protect My Heart
Millionaire (feat. Andre 3000)
Glow (feat. Raphael Saadiq)
Sugar Honey Iced Tea
Attention (feat. Raphael Saadiq)
Rolling Through The Hood
Stick Up
Marathon

PCD
Don’t Cha
Beep
Wait A Minute
Stickwitu
Buttons
I Don’t Need A Man
Hot Stuff (I Want You Back)
How Many Times, How Many Lies
Bite The Dust
Right Now
Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go
Feelin’ Good
Sway
Flirt
We Went As Far As We Felt Like Going

Dangerously in Love
Crazy In Love (Feat. Jay-Z)
Naughty Girl
Baby Boy (Feat. Sean Paul)
Hip Hop Star (Feat. Big Boi & Sleepy Brown)
Be With You
Me, Myself and I
Yes
Signs (Feat. Missy Elliott)
Speechless
That's How You Like It (Feat. Jay-Z)
The Closer I Get To You (duet with Luther Vandross)
Dangerously In Love 2
Gift From Virgo
Daddy

Keep your eyes peeled for the rate reveal posts when I'm done scoring the albums.

New Series in the Works

In my latest attempt at stretching content for the blog, I'll be using my rejected ideas for popheads album rates [and rates I've never submitted alike] and revealing my results in the style of 3 day rate reveals.
The structure is using the PopJustice scale of 0-10 with an 11 ruling over everything and winning the song portion of that.

In simpler terms: 11 > single > album cut [unless the single blows/album cut is better]

The working titles for the series are RATESism in America, Institutionalized RATESism, RATES Relations, The Conversation About RATES, That's RATESist, Unintentionally RATESist and something else that I probably won't use because bad puns can only do so much.

As it stands I have about 5 concrete ideas to work with; 3 of which I've not submitted at all, kii:

- The THOT That Counts rate submission of Tasty [Kelis] vs. PCD [Pussycat Dolls] and Dangerously in Love [Beyonce]

- Three of The THOT That Counts series albums but ranking them; Undiscovered [Brooke Hogan] vs. Willa Was Here [Willa Ford] vs. Paris [Paris Hilton]

*These next 3 are part of an intended trilogy mainly between Adore Delano and Sharon Needles and a 3rd guest first in Alaska Thunderfuck and then in RuPaul [I've not submitted these due to some too niche thing]:

- Til Death Do Us Party vs. PG-13 vs. Anus

- After Party vs. Taxidermy vs. Poundcake

- Whatever vs. Battle Axe vs. American


These next ideas weren't submitted because they either went in a route that didn't fit the "neat" 3 album only/4 album max constraint or if I did have one artist, I couldn't find one or two more that made sense against them, I flat out didn't submit [or in the last one mentioned case, literally came to mind just recently]:

- a 2-on-1 Handicap match of Danity Kane vs. Doll Domination [Pussycat Dolls] vs. Welcome to the Dollhouse [Danity Kane]

- a rate involving All-American Boy [Steve Grand] but the only opponents I can think of are EPs of Eli Lieb and Brendan Maclean...well shorter albums than Grand's but that'd be mean putting them against Steve knowing full fucking well he'd win.

- a 2-on-2 match where two artists have 2 albums each because sometimes the 3rd artist and album there doesn't make any goddamn sense. The only one I had ever thought of was Calvin Harris vs. Daft Punk with 18 Months vs. Motion vs. Discovery vs. Random Access Memories.

- Double Dutchess [Fergie] vs. Beautiful Trauma [P!nk] vs. This Is What The Truth Feels Like [Gwen Stefani] {maybe vs. Meaning of Life [Kelly Clarkson] as well.}

- 0304 [Jewel] vs. Liz Phair vs. C'mon, C'mon [Sheryl Crow]


So, there you have it. If I feel ambitious enough to get to at least two of these then the series will be whenever I feel like I can keep a schedule up.