Monday, October 20, 2014

The Voice S7: Serving Normandy Realness

[Tonight's episode recap is in reference to D-Day when Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy in France.]

Part III of the Battles (thus far) is tonight but before we preface anything with what will transpire, there's a special achievement that must be announced. All the coaches have made piss poor decisions in last week's episodes equally!

Gwen fucked up 2 of her battles by getting rid of Amanda Lee Peers & an improved Jean Kelley Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Dance on air for the likes of Sugar Joans and Taylor John Williams -_-; she and Blake made a stupid decision to want to steal Griffin (Your funeral, Shelton.); Adam got rid of Clara Hong for Rebekah Samarin (Double montage = retribution) and Pharrell wanted and got to steal Menlik. -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_-

Let's see what other decisions could potentially add to the list. These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery and FlirtCruiting that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First, Damien vs. Kelli Douglas of Team Adam. They were assigned "Knock on Wood" by Otis Redding (The disco version by Amii Stewart is superior. Notsorryboutit). Rehearsals indicate "emotional" Damien could overpower "mysterious" Kelli. She's told to loosen up and have fun. Maybe if you picked the disco arrangement, she could have fun with the song. DUH. Also, Kelli was missing some cues and that was a problem. Come showtime, she got the cues but took a bit too long to warm up. Damien meanwhile hit bum notes in his falsetto. In the end after Gwen was hot for Kelli, Adam picks Damien to move on. -_- Kelli is eliminated from S7. "Great"; another favorite of mine gone.

Second, Jessie Pitts vs. Ryan Sill of Team Gwen. They were assigned "I Need Your Love" by Calvin Harris ft. Ellie Goulding. Rehearsals indicate that chemistry on stage is the biggest hurdle and that Gwen needs to stop crying. Come showtime, Jessie was off. Not terrible but so off. Ryan managed to deliver the tiger-fucking. In the end, Gwen picks Ryan to move on. Jessie is stolen by Blake and is set to go home in the next round of competition. Sorryboutit but if you ain't country, Blake will...only keep you if you're the worst like Nic Hawk or Sisaundra Lewis.

Third, Katriz Trinidad vs. Blessing Offor of Team Pharrell. They were assigned "Do I Do" by Stevie Wonder. Rehearsals indicate Katriz's biggest obstacle was learning the song. Blessing needed to stick to a melodic path of his choosing. Come showtime, Blessing was good, but sounded way too much like Stevie and not like himself. For learning the song as TV quick as Katriz did, she was better but still sorely lacking in enunciation and projection. In the end, Pharrell picks Katriz to move on. Really?! That was one of the dumbest battle calls in Voice anthology. Well a steal comes in from Adam. Then Gwen decides to be bitch about this and tries to prevent this Adam steal from happening. Blessing picks Adam as his new coach.

Fourth, Ethan Butler vs. Matt McAndrew of Team Adam. They were assigned "Yellow" by Coldplay. Gross. That song sucks. Rehearsals indicate Ethan is half-assing it and Matt's falsetto needs a lot of work. Chemistry critiques turn to helping each other not fuck up terribly. Come showtime, Ethan sounded whiter than Matt and that had me gravely concerned. Thankfully, he sounded better than him too. In the end, Adam picks Matt to move on. Ethan is not stolen and is therefore eliminated from S7.

Fifth, Bree Fondacaro vs. Taylor Brashears of Team Blake. They were assigned "You're No Good" by Linda Rondstat. Rehearsals indicate both needed a lot more work to do than just sound sheepish. Taylor was nervous of a strong voice Bree apparently has. They're both reminded that this song has some grit and my GOD...these chicks sound so beige and uninteresting. Come showtime, Bree did this stupid breathy thing and sounded like someone making fun of a Marilyn Monroe impersonator. Taylor sounded like a boring but functioning human. In the end, Blake picks Taylor to move on. Beige defeats vanilla; who knew? Bree is not stolen and is booted from S7.

Finally, Toia Jones vs. Danica Shirey of Team Pharrell. They were assigned "Halo" by Beyonce. Rehearsals indicate Toia's self-doubt could bite her in the ass. Danica's issue is sticking to the Bey approved script. Final rehearsals has Pharrell wanting BEY-LEVEL stardom to be emitted from both of them. Toia has an Oprah moment and cries...UGH...there's no crying until waiting for a coach to make a decision. Come showtime, Danica's vocal choices sucked from the beginning. Toia started off way too low in the beginning. Then both tried to be all Mariah Carey and proceeded to make the last part of song nothing but "HALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" In the end, Pharrell picks Danica to move on. -_- What the fuck ever, Pharrell. Adam ends up stealing Toia...before Gwen fucked up again. ADAM is her new coach. STOP THIS SHIT NOW GWEN.

All in all, The Battles are drawing to a close...kind of. LORDE help this show find its Kelly Clarkson.

Up next for scrutiny, Part IV of the Battle Rounds.

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