Monday, November 25, 2013

The Voice U.S. S5 Recap: 8 Is Enough

The title for this recap is inspired by the Willie Aames sitcom of yore (Or for VH1 buffs, that sitcom that the Celebrity Fit Club contestant was on). The title can also be read in this fashion...

"8 Is Enough Torture from HRFH -2.0"

Tonight marked the performances of the Top 8. At the moment, Team Adam is unscathed. Teams X-Tina and Blake are each down 1 singer and Team Cee-Lo is down to Caroline Pennell [I am aware that I have been fucking up the spelling of her last name for so many weeks.] To make it into the Top 6, the contestants left must be able to sing their asses off and have enough stage presence to not be boring to the voting public. Nouns were rampant this episode and this is what transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

Robin "Blurred Lines" Thicke channeled some Speaker Boehner realness when he opened up the show. By that I mean, he was orange and what I heard from him was utter dog shit.

First was James "Sexy Nerd" Wolpert of Team Adam singing "Somebody to Love" by Queen. His intent was to not sound too "overzealous" because this was his song choice. This made me think of ANOTHER Cody Belew performance that someone was copying. James' passion for rock music seemed a little drowned by the fact..he essentially ripped off Cody's performance in showtime. A choir of sorts singing along in the intro; being on top of a piano...GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL. Coach's corner just "lurved" his ass while James was too shout-like in my opinion. This is James' most mediocre performance in a while and the fact that so close to the Top 5 and he gets half assed now...bye, gurl bye!

Second was HRFH -2.0 of Team Adam singing "Underneath it All" by No Doubt. The intent is mainly reminding people that HRFH -2.0 is Jamaican [any lesser commentator would be all like "Now she be vibin wit her roots in JAMAYCAH, mon."]. Cut to showtime, the show was reliant on the awesomeness that a No Doubt song was being performed. Performer wise? I just can't stomach HRFH in any incarnation. Coach's corner loved how this song showed off her "Jamaican-ness". In my terrible Patois, "The coaches be basketcases. Me gwan go drink Malibu durin de commercial." Moving on...

Third was Caroline Pennell of Team Cee-Lo singing "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + The Machines. The intent was to have her live up to the tall order of singing a Florence + The Machine. Rehearsals may indicate she could be too clean for this song. Showtime commenced, and while not too clean...her performance compared to her previous ones was kind of bland. Coach's corner turned all poetic...literally. Cee-Lo channeled his inner poet by reading random shit he wrote for Caroline regarding Team Cee-Lo and her place in the competition. Just NO. Anywho, the rest of the coaches proceeded to do the nice coach thing yet again.

Fourth was Cole Vosbury of Team Blake singing "I Still Believe In You" by Vince Gill. After Blake does some Jay Leno segment, Leno was nice enough [like he'd need the money to be on the show] to chit chat with both of Team Blake. Cole's performance come showtime while signature...was bland. Bonus points to him for having some Jesus complex about him. O_O Still doesn't hide that his singing while consistent, was really boring. This is an issue that has afflicted all the singers so far. Caroline may be the best so far, but oy is this the blandest night in Voice anthology. Coach's corner continues the "60s Orgy" lovefest style critiquing and I wish they could really call out singers on bad and/or boring nights.

Fifth was Matthew Schuler of Team X-Tina singing "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons. The intent is to revive some of the alternative "flavor" of Matthew c. his audition of his "Cough Syrup". Come showtime, Matthew proceeds to sing his face off while working some really tacky choreography...I defer to this remark I made on Twitter...

"Give or take some of the 'STOMP!' realness meets counterfeit 'Rhythm Nation', this is good. #ThisIsTheVoice"

Coach's Corner proceeds to give EVEN more acclaim, reiterating what the intent behind this performance was. Hey, this isn't The X Factor or what's left of American Idol...but goddamn; the coaches need to critique people better.

Sixth was Will Champlin of Team Adam singing "At Last" by Etta James. O_O GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL this is Sasha Allen's song. I can't with this song choice for him. I can't. This is a miscast to end all miscasts. Come showtime, against himself this was another "Secrets". However, because he isn't Sasha Allen, this was just unfortunate compared to her version. Adam then proceeds to reveal that apparently...Will is a bit of a QUEEN when it comes to rehearsals; only the highest notes...strained notes and fabulousness. Hey, he gets risk points for being a white guy singing some Etta James, hunty. Other than that...bye, gurl bye.

Seventh was Ray Boudreaux of Team Blake singing "Gimme Some Lovin'" by the Spencer Davis Group. The intent is to have Ray capitalize on things Blake apparently saw from him last week. Come showtime, he's officially won the "Participation Ribbon of Life". He tries, but come on...he's losing this cleanly. Then the coaches spew the obscene word if used to describe presence instead of well...presents...they kept saying "swag"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That was scarier than the fact that Ray was bland again.

Finally was Jacquie Lee of Team X-Tina singing "Who's Lovin' You" by the Jackson 5. The intent is to make Jacquie more "pissed off" looking when she sings. This intent I can understand. Come showtime, she Shanghais this bitch into submission. Coach's corner doesn't justify how well she did this night.

All in all, it will be mostly up to the voting public (Until East Coast/Central Standard time Twitter undermines everyone) to determine who will be in the Top 6 [and more importantly, who could be the first successful winner of The Voice.]

Next up for scrutiny, the results of the Top 6

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