Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Voice U.S. S5 Recap: The Results Show Within an Arithmetic Problem

*This marks my 100th entry on the blog...my state of feeling is best described in this image:

It's pensive...not just me acknowledging that I'm fat and behind a computer. : P*

100 / 20 = the number of contestants left AND the season we're in [5...just in case you had to drop out of Elementary school or just don't care about basic math.] Tonight, we find out who advances based on votes and who East Coast Twitter (OK; Central Standard Time Twitter too) will inadvertently undermine by "Instant-save" (Which let's be honest, sounds like the lamest power-up in a poorly made video game made in the mid 1980s.) These are the people and things portion of a noun's definition that transpired on the only reason I really watch NBC (Sorry Siberia, The Blacklist, etc.)...

Let's play rough and get it on!

Kelly Clarkson kicks off the night by singing "Underneath the Tree" from her upcoming Christmas album (Kelly; do you need to pay THAT many bills?) She's really one of the few relevant acts in recorded music that I like. I am not reading that wonderful woman to filth...as a singer. The fact that she has resorted to a Christmas album? Questionable. VERY questionable. Oh and in a move that reads "Shameless Plug" she apparently has a Christmas special on the way. That and she had help from Blake who also had a Christmas special [him killing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer almost makes up for the She-Devil of S3 and Kewpie Doll.]

Coach's corner transpired and reiterated the stats of the coaches until tonight. Adam is remarkably unscathed, Cee-Lo is paid to be a good sport, X-Tina is thanking God almighty that she didn't place 4th this time and Blake is well...drunk off of his Irish coffee mix from Starbucks and Pinkie's Liquor : P Anyway, he still thinks he can win.

Matthew, Jacquie and HRFH -2.0 took the stage to perform Florence Welch's "You Got the Love". My screen kept switching between the show and this bubblegum pink fodder protection. My TV loves me after all *shaaaaaaaaaaaaade*

Voice Jesus Doesn't smite:  Jacquie Lee of Team X-Tina. Looks like X-Tina knows how to oversell a fallen mic stand during a grit-free Janis Joplin rendition. ; ) Kidding, with her second performance Jacquie definitely deserved this stay.

Blake and his S1 contestant Xenia then took the stage to sing "Silver Bells". Xenia is just as good as she was in S1. No, the positive demeanor is not the result of a fever dream; when people who don't suck take the stage I am happy.
Leave it to Taxicab Confessionals to bring me back to normal. Cody Belew gave the only answer worth a damn in S3. Stop trying to replicate such magic.

Voice Jesus Doesn't smite: Cole Vosbury of Team Blake. Dear "Team Cole" c. him being stolen by Blake...you are wrong. As much as I can stomach Cole, Blake needs to lose this season hard.

James, Will and Cole take the stage with Extreme member Nuno Bettencourt to sing that song metal-heads hate with a burning passion. Though Lyndsey Parker of Reality Rocks lost her shit in a happy way with this song being performed. At least she'll have something to love in her recap *Shameless Plug from an honorary recap enthusiast to someone who gets paid for it.*

Voice Jesus Doesn't smite: HRFH -2.0 of Team Adam. Ugh; the hype has not left the building.

The Top 6 apparently were rehearsing for the 1st annual Voice Holiday Pageant. My kid isn't in this, so...peace on Earth; mercy mild on the fodder organizer this time. -_-

Voice Jesus Doesn't smite: Will Champlin of Team Adam. Yikes. Will being saved again...is bad.

The Bottom 2: Matthew Schuler and James Wolpert of Teams X-Tina and Adam

East Coast Twitter saves: James Wolpert of Team Adam.

Getting the Boot: Matthew Schuler of Team X-Tina. Great; Twitter doesn't know what consistency means.

All in all, if I've ever considered any of the remaining artists my favorites, there is a sinking feeling that for 5 seasons in a row, I won't have cast a single vote for the winner.

Up next for scrutiny, the Performances of the Top 5.

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