Monday, April 13, 2015

The Voice S8: Coach-TWELVE-uh 2015!

Come one, come all. Step this way to attend the Coach-TWELVE-uh Music Festival; NBC and 4 A-/B+ List music celebrities idea of entertainment all Monday and Tuesday night (For like 4 weeks or at least until I get sick of the bad contestants left).

After many a decision ranging from questionable to miraculously right, The Live Shows of the NBC Program with Ratings have finally began. The three good contestants left, India Carney, Koryn Hawthorne & Deanna Johnson now have an uphill battle against the overrated squad of Sawyer Fredericks, Mia Z, Meghan Linsey, Kimberly Nichole, Rob Taylor and Corey Kent White.

For positive reinforcement purposes (Since the Brooke Adee critiques were a fluke), Mr. and Mr. Shevine, Xtina and Pharrell are there to tell the contestants that they're all a ***FLAWLESS herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery and FlirtCruiting that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First up, Hannah Kirby of Team Blake. She ended up singing "Edge of Seventeen" by Stevie Nicks. Rehearsals indicate that guest adviser Reba might be high comparing Hannah to Dolly Parton. O_O WHAT? Also, storytelling is the thing Hannah needs to work on as well.
Come showtime, Hannah was competent but didn't give emotional depth or storytelling ability. Being "smiley" is one thing but there has to be a time in which you can play into the emotions of the song. (No coach input from here out because they suck at that.)

Second, Brian Johnson of Team Adam. He ended up singing "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You" by Sting. Rehearsals indicate his upper registers would be the make or break moment if he has a breakthrough moment. Come showtime, Brian gave another 3 out of 5 performance. Competent but nothing spectacular or signature.

Third, India Carney of Team Xtina. She ended up singing "Take Me to Church" by Hozier. UGH. She needs to sing a Kelis song. NOT this rock/folk bullshit. Rehearsals indicate that for all of India's talents, Xtina is still a horrible coach for song selection. "Grit up your personality in singing!" FUCK YOU. India was fine before you sicked this song on her.
Come showtime, India "improved" on personality but Xtina's song choice was horrible.

Fourth, Mia Z of Team Pharrell. She ended up singing "Miss You" by The Rolling Stones. Rehearsals indicate that she suffered from Ariana Grande syndrome AKA trubbuh wit enunseastinnn. Come showtime, Mia's enunciating seemed to improve but her singing? No. Just...NO.

Fifth, Deanna Johnson of Team Adam. She ended up singing "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong United. Deanna is apparently riding the TWERKS4JESUS train. Rehearsals indicate that Deanna needs to embrace her apparent "All about that GRACE/Bout that grace/No devil" musical identity. Come showtime, it's weird for me to critique any Jeebus related performances SIMPLY on vocals.
In terms of presence, her "smiley" persona sort of works for the Contemporary Jesus Market of music, but all Deanna really needs is innocuous pop to her name (Like a Rihanna type but with sexual purity.)

Sixth, Sawyer Fredericks of Team Pharrell. He ended up singing "Imagine" by John Legend. Rehearsals indicate nothing but how "great" he allegedly is. Reba manages to find a flaw [a bit late, but better late than never] that Sawyer is robotic and has no emotional depth. Come showtime, his newly implanted emotional chip managed to get the occasional smile out of him.

Seventh, Rob Taylor of Team Xtina. He ended up singing "I Put a Spell on You" by name someone...seriously. Rehearsals indicate that the song choice is too vague and too ubiquitous to afford Rob another bad week. Come showtime, the catscan on acid background put more a spell on me than he did [even WITH him abusing his falsetto again].

Eighth, Corey Kent White of Team Blake. He ended up singing "Why" by Jason Aldean. Rehearsals indicate that instead of a wannabe Hunter Hayes, Blake wants him to become a wannabe kid brother of Jason Aldean. Come showtime, he was insignificant musically yet again (Consistency, y'all) but the crowd loved his schtick of Wannabe Hunter Hayes as the Kid Brother of Jason Aldean.

Ninth, Koryn Hawthorne of Team Pharrell. She ended up singing "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson. Rehearsals indicate that a lyric or two needs to be revised or omitted to suit Koryn's voice O_-. Come showtime, she committed to the grit but lacked the lung capacity needed for Kelly Clarkson's songs.

Tenth, Joshua Davis of Team Adam. He ended up singing "America" by Simon & Garfunkel. Rehearsals indicate that this is nostalgia porn and I have had it. Come showtime, I decided to watch RuPaul's Drag Race instead of his performance. NOTSORRYBOUTIT

Eleventh, Meghan Linsey of Team Blake. She ended up singing "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town. I KNEW SHE'D SELL OUT FOR COUNTRY. Shame on you Meghan. SHAME on you. And DOUBLE shame on you Blake for forcing country down her throat again. Rehearsals indicate she needed to commit all the way to selling out for country -_-. Come showtime, gravitas points worked in her favor once I remembered that this was the "controversial" song that booted from radio.

Finally, Kimberly Nichole of Team Xtina. She ended up singing "House of the Rising Sun". Not this damn song again; I still remember Amy Whitcomb from S4 BUTCHERING this song in the Knockouts. Rehearsals indicate that intensity is her apparent Achilles' heel. Come showtime...oh who cares. The coaches suck at pointing out problems and I'm giving up RuPaul's Drag Race for this!

All in all, the correct ones better advance or I'm OUT of this show.

Up next for scrutiny, The Results of the Top 12.

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