[Tonight's episode title is inspired by the fact that the Final Four is still a thing. Who knew?]
After questionable decisions left and right, five favorites of mine remain, and they better get through. Mr. and Mr. Shevine, Xtina and Pharrell (Happy belated birthday, Benjamin Button. Seriously, you've been 18 for the past 50 fucking years or something.) have presented the voting block with the 20 contestants we're responsible for narrowing down into the much needed Kelly Clarkson to give the show real credibility.
Tonight is Part I of the March-pril Madness known as the Live Playoffs. Two teams perform tonight and Tuesday with the results and always unpredictable coach save on Wednesday. Tonight it's Teams Pharrell & Blake . These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery and FlirtCruiting that transpired...
Let's play rough and get it on!
Getting the Live Playoff Baptism of Fire, Sarah Potenza AKA Wannabe Janis Joplin of Team Blake. She ended up singing "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Rehearsals indicate that Blake's foresight is a bitch and Sarah isn't versatile. DUH.
Come showtime, apart from stealing Craig Wayne Boyd's fringe jacket she sounded restrained but not unique in any way. As much as I despise this rawk wannabe chick, something tells me she's making at least the Top 12. The coaches are so sunny-side up with their critiques, Denny's is planning to bitchslap them for plagiarism.
Second, Caitlin Caporale of Team Pharrell. She ended up singing "Best Thing I Never Had" by Beyonce. GURL GOD HELP YOU IF YOU SCREW THIS UP. Rehearsals indicate that her singing was sharp [meaning she over-sang the note but just slightly].
Come showtime, her singing was at some its best but something felt weird as hell about the timing. Turns out, she wasn't doing shit with the song especially in the chorus. The coaches are so sunny-side up with their critiques, Denny's is planning to bitchslap them for plagiarism.
Third, Hannah Kirby of Team Blake. She ended up singing "I Feel The Earth Move" by Carole King. Rehearsals indicate that she's making excuses that she can't totally do this because she's never had a boyfriend...GURL; love yourself or the idea of success. DUH. It is not that hard.
Come showtime, she sounded way too restrained especially on a Carole. KING song. She sounded really weird in her lower registers as well so it wasn't the best night for her (Perfect timing that she began to suck as the voting lines opened...) The coaches are so sunny-side up with their critiques, Denny's is planning to bitchslap them for plagiarism.
Fourth, Lowell Oakley AKA Michael Bub-MEH of Team Pharrell. He ended up singing "Jealous" by Nick Jonas. -_- Rehearsals indicate that his attempts at singing could be just as bad if not even worse than Nick Jonas.
Come showtime, the background singers were overpowering Lowell's thin timbre and occasional audible but terrible singing. The coaches are so sunny-side up with their critiques, Denny's is planning to bitchslap them for plagiarism.
Fifth, Mia Z AKA ZZ NOPE of Team Pharrell. She ended up singing "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers as done by Eva Cassidy. Rehearsals indicate that her inflections and general singing are a bit too blunt and not subtle (And terrible but that's none of my business).
Come showtime, her timbre and delivery were too inconsistent. At "best" she can't find a happy medium. At worst, it's everything else a bad performance encompasses. The coaches are so sunny-side up with their critiques, Denny's is planning to bitchslap them for plagiarism.
Sixth, Koryn Hawthorne of Team Pharrell. She ended up singing "How Great Thou Art". Rehearsals indicate that this is a return to church roots that a lot of singers let alone Koryn have.
Come showtime, she proved it's impossible to screw up a church song. Critiquing a church song performance always feels weird technically; voting tactic wise, this is the cheapest move. The coaches are so sunny-side up with their critiques, Denny's is planning to bitchslap them for plagiarism.
Seventh, Corey Kent White AKA Wannabe Hunter Hayes of Team Blake. They ended up singing "To Make You Feel My Love" by Bob Dylan as done by Garth Brooks. Rehearsals indicate that his diction leaves a lot to be desired. In this context, that means the notes he's bailing out on garble the words.
Come showtime, he showcased emotional depth but his singing was just so vanilla, beige and bland. The coaches kind of hinted at criticisms but never commit to it.
Eighth, Brooke Adee of Team Blake. She ended up singing "Love Me Like You Do" by Ellie Goulding. Rehearsals indicate that this is what Blake considers mainstream for Brooke. Not the furthest thing Blake has ever thought. Actually this is thoughtful for her. Come showtime, she wasn't pitchy but she was trying to experiment with her lower registers in ways that weren't beneficial to her voice at all. The coaches managed to give critiques for once and called Brooke out for stiffness/disconnect from the emotive aspect of the song.
Closing out night one, Meghan Linsey of Team Blake. She ended up singing "Love Runs Out" by OneRepublic. BLAM on the song choice. Rehearsals indicate that Pharrell was an idiot in the Battle rounds. She's given a crap pop/rock song and it's given a country vibe. Goddamnit. Come showtime, the magic she had vanished into thin air.
The vocals were subpar especially for her, the arrangement was some Country Music Awards garbage and her "soul" identity must have been a misnomer because that was NOT who I initially supported. The coaches are so sunny-side up with their critiques, Denny's is planning to bitchslap them for plagiarism.
Closing out night one, Sawyer Fredericks AKA Junior Hat of Team Pharrell. He ended up singing "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne. All I think of with this song is Tony Lucca straining the shit out of it for his S2 audition. "Great choice" there -_- Rehearsals indicate that at least Sawyer is able to communicate his needs to the band director person or whatever. That's actually cool.
Come showtime, his vocals were just...bad. He tried to be more mature than his voice allowed to really really poor results. His vibrato was all over the place, his inflections in turn were shot to hell and it was just displeasing to the ears. The coaches are so sunny-side up with their critiques, Denny's is planning to bitchslap them for plagiarism.
All in all, the correct contestants better get through. The fluke voting of Craig Wayne Boyd can't be the ONLY time I've ever voted for the eventual winner.
Up next for scrutiny, Part II of the Live Playoffs.
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