Monday, October 5, 2015

The Voice S9: Candy CRUSHED

Tonight, the coaches finished building their teams of potential Cascade Platinum selling artists. After so many auditions and only 5 good auditions this season, let's see the potential fuck-ups the coaches made...err, let's see who else gets a chance to show off their "epic" talent in the words of Voiceover Carson.

These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, banter, marklar, fuckery, FlirtCruiting and questionable song choices that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First up, Dustin Christensen; someone with at least one eye on the prize. He auditioned with "Downtown Train" by Tom Waits (or Rod Stewart). About 5 seconds into his blandness, 3 of the chairs turn before Pharrell made it 4. Dude simply did not deserve that many chairs.
The blandness in this case comes from the fact that it's a dude in a hat singing some dated as fuck rock song in the hopes of making it (That's at least the backstory of 2000 male applicants for the least in the first 8 seasons combined.) Sans fuckery, he picks Blake as his coach.

Second, Berdine Joseph; someone representing Haiti a la Wyclef Jean. She auditioned with "Hey Mama" by David Guetta, Nicki Minaj and Bebe Rexha. Once this song came up, it was apparent that another case of live show song in audition setting would claim another victim. Eventually, she became another reject of S9.

Third, Dustin Monk; someone who wants to ride his BICYCLE; BICYCLE. He auditioned with "Bright Lights" by Gary Clark, Jr. "Blue-eyed" cliche aside, Adam turns his chair 5 lines in before being joined by Blake. As for his singing, dude was just half-assed gruff notes in the vain of soul. Sans fuckery, he picks Adam as his coach.

Fourth, Chase Kerby; he tastes just like dance with me... He auditioned with "The Scientist" by Coldplay. DQ HIM FOR POOR SONG CHOICE ON THE DOUBLE. After some wonky falsettos left and right, Gwen was the only coach who turned. As a result, he defaulted to her team. His singing sucked as it was in this weird as fuck whisper falsetto thingy.

Fifth, Dawson Daugherty; a beach bum that's all about catchin' the waves of Christ. He auditioned with "Problem" by Ariana Grande and Iguana Anthrax. Dude literally whisper sang his entire damn audition and made that song sound like the Dawson's Creek theme song. As expected in the 15 seconds or so, he became a S9 reject.

Sixth, Shelby Brown; a girl from a town with a population equivalent to a Voice winner's album sales. She auditioned with "Stars" by Grace Potter & the Nocturnals. In about 6 words in, she gets ALL 4 chairs to turn. The good news? Her projection is nice. Bad news? She's ANOTHER country wannabe. -________- BYE. Sans fuckery, she ends up picking Adam as her coach. O_O And with that, Shelby is a new favorite. THANK YOU GOD.

With Shelby, Adam finished building his team.

Seventh, Amy Vachal; daughter of a Grateful Dead coverband lead singer. EEK. She auditioned with "Dream a Little of Me". The 3 without full teams turned for her and I could sort of get the decision. ~Quirky~, ~breathy~ singers are sure bets to get noticed by the coaches. However, her breathy singing is almost irritating at times. Sans fuckery, she picks Pharrell as her coach.

Eighth, Blaine Mitchell; someone ~unique~ in Texas terms for liking alternative rock instead of country (And someone that's still wrong). He auditioned with "Drops of Jupiter" by Train. -_- GURL, BYE [Alt. Rock my ASS]. Blake and Gwen end up turning for him and I agreed with Adam and Pharrell. He was so shout ridden and just...ew. Sans fuckery, he ends up picking Blake as his coach. Again, soooooooooooooooo ALT ROCK, dude. -_-

With him, Blake now has a full team.

Ninth, Summer Schappell; ANOTHER ~unique~ chick with colored hair. She auditioned with "Strawberry Wine" by Deanna Carter. Thing is, her country wannabe self JUUUUUUUUUUST missed out on Blake; oh well. What could've been ~breathy~ ended up being mediocre "country". With Pharrell and Gwen turning, she made it on to the show. At least she isn't ~breathy~, but DAMN is she cliche as fuck. Sans fuckery, she picks Gwen as her coach. 

With Summer, Gwen now has a full team.

Tenth, Caroline Burns; someone with Napoleon Complex on fleek. She auditioned with "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. Pharrell was unimpressed throughout her performance and I lived out loud! The crowd was nice [by way of Pharrell] to this reject of S9 and encouraged her to audition again.
I was only a teeny bit surprised...oh goddamnit...I was only mildly surprised when this Melanie Martinez with one hair color sounding chick was rejected. Once Pharrell explained why, it made sense.

REJECT MONTAGE! Better luck next season!

Closing out the S9 Blind Auditions, Sydney Rhame; someone who gives guitar lessons to save for college. That's actually kind of cool. She auditioned with "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran. Pharrell turns and thus completes his team. She wasn't that bad actually. Granted, her presence needs a FUCKTON of work, I'm not a fan of her yet but as long as she does NOT. GO. COUNTRY. I could like her eventually.

All in all, Shelby Brown is proof Alabama and evolution can occur without a rift in the time space continuum.

Up next for scrutiny, Part I of The Battle Rounds (Which happens next week, as the show thinks it's cute to do a clip show of 5 previous episodes...)

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