The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: Usher in the Live Shows Already!

[If you really need an explanation for tonight's episode, you need Jesus. : P]


Tonight marks the end of the non-Live Playoffs for the program on NBC with ratings (Which is still not About a Boy, Growing up Fisher or any of the other bullshit that eats up precious, precious time for the show.) Tonight, Team Usher performs and Usher must choose who to take to the Live shows. Along the way, the coaches will do the banter thing and maybe...just maybe...they'll critique the singers. T_T Wishful thinking never hurts...

(I mean, the King Bey taught us all this.)

Now it's time to recant the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, banter, fuckery and marklar that transpired on tonight's show...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First, T.J. Wilkins singing "Tell Me Something Good" by Rufus & Chaka Khan. O_O High-risk/High reward, anyone? Come showtime, his delivery was decent enough to where I was not demanding his head on a platter. I felt it was much too schmuck-like in delivery. Coach's Corner (As I've come to realize) takes massive notes from Paula Abdul [the "nice" judge]. Bless them because they try, but the singers in question are owed some feedback.

Second, Melissa Jimenez singing "Halo" by Beyoncé. Initial rehearsals indicate that her breath could potentially bite her in the ass. Come showtime, good LORDE was it breath issue ridden. Also bungling her performance were really shaky lower registers. A moment came too late as the end of her performance proved to be her best. Coach's Corner was merciful with emphasis on Blake being more or less ("A complete fucking moron for not knowing this song by heart?" Shut up. He isn't a "complete fucking moron". He's a complete jackass. There's a difference.) critiquing this as if Melissa was the original singer of this song.

Third, Stevie Jo singing "The Thrill is Gone" by B.B. King. O_O GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL a B.B. King song? Initial rehearsals have his pacing and emotional commitment to the song called into question. Come showtime, he was half-assed on this song; relying way too much on mid-range vocals, not having the grittiness the song requires and even half-asses vibrato (And that is how Hercules got an extra labor done O_O). Coach's Corner was kind; and weirdly kind thanks to Blake's "sneaking up on a rabbit" compliment.

Fourth, Bria Kelly singing "Wild Horses" by the Rolling Stones. Oddly enough, every time someone on the show sings this, I'm reminded of S2 contestant Jordis Unga. Initial rehearsals have this one being told not to rush through the song. Come showtime, she ended up sounding like a Janis Joplin knockoff. I can't stand it; originality can be a good thing and this one has none of it. Not sorry 'bout it. Coach's Corner [more or less] hails her as the second coming of the Lord Jesus Christ [exaggeration = flattery -_-] What Bria ends up admitting before the last singer of the night come on is that she only felt comfortable with her guitar again. GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL. I can't with her; I can't.

Finally, Josh Kaufman singing "It Will Rain" by Bruno Mars. Initial rehearsals indicate that he might not live up to the expectations of the song. Come showtime, he bit it HARD. Shaky introductory notes; enunciation problems arose ["morphine" became "murphine" and "sunlight" became "sundlight"] and his falsetto notes were abysmal. Coach's Corner thought the complete fucking opposite [as they always do] thinking he was amaze-tits. -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- -_- <------ not enough of these to express my "really bitch?" feelings.

After the performances, Usher picked the 3 singers he wanted for the Live shows. They were in order Bria Kelly, Josh Kaufman & T.J. Wilkins. I was surprised Usher actually picked T.J. [because he sucked the least] and had Melissa axed. Oh well, sayonara Melissa and Stevie (Relax Stevie. You can paint with all the colors of the wind with your hair.)

All in all, it'll FINALLY go Live! (/^_^)/ \(^_^)/ (Yay! We lasted through all this horse-shit!)

Up next for scrutiny, the Top 12 performances.

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: It's Not Alive II: Super Happy Family Wish Show Chinatown Knockoff Sequeloo Revenge of the Red Balloon

[The title for this episode's recap comes from the following:

- Last time's title & reference
- The Japanese game show The Simpsons competed on
- The 2nd Knockoffs Round title
and
- A film The Critic hated.

Yup, there's a lot of inspiration ("And grounds for therapy." Shut the fuck up. : P)]


Tonight continued the journey of the 2 Pre-recorded Crew of the Playoff level contestants on The Voice. It's a 2 hour affair, so 4 people in total will be ousted from the competition. These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, banter, fuckery and marklar that Adam, Shakira, Usher and Blake created and/or witnessed tonight...

Let's play rough and get it on! *It's Team Shakira & Team Adam night*


First, Kristen Merlin of Team Shakira singing “Two Black Cadillacs” by Carrie Underwood. Rehearsals indicate that Kristen has to undergo some Sisyphus shit having been montaged twice; oh and some subtlety thingy. Come showtime, Kristen finally got screen time so it's 50% there already. Also, she did have some nice projection and made a country song listenable. That's a skill in my book. Coach's Corner was all "Holy shit! You were amaze-tits!" and Blake READ the audience for not having rhythm.

Second, Deja Hall of Team Shakira singing “Battlefield” by Jordin Sparks. Rehearsals indicate that she's slightly arrhythmic with the song's pocket. Eeek. Come showtime, she seemed improved but all too reliant on her mid range vocals. When she sang the chorus, it was way too low than what the song called for. Coach's Corner was all "You've turned into a star!". Eeep; they're not critiquing her singing AGAIN.

Third, Tess Boyer of Team Shakira singing “Human” by Christina Perri. Rehearsals indicate her lower registers are emitted without emotional conviction. Come showtime, she did sound good after she dropped her lower registers. Credit to the note she held. Coach's Corner was all "Power + Control = ERMAHGERD, A STERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!1!!!!!11!!!!!!". Adam, Usher and Blake tried to be cute during Coach's Corner as well. Keep trying. Alyssa Edwards would like a word with y'all.

Fourth, Patrick Thomson of Team Shakira singing "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne. Rehearsals indicate his emotive qualities aren't entirely there. Come showtime, his grit was there but his singing? Not so much. I detected no singing past his grit. *Side note: This marks the 525,600th time this damn song has been performed on the show since S2* Coach's Corner was all "DUDE! That was epic!". I defer to this tweet in regard to his styling...

"GURL, whoever styled him needs to be fired. This 'Grizzly Man' as the Best Man at a wedding is bullshit. #ThisIsTheVoice"

Finally, Dani Moz of Team Shakira singing "Edge of Glory" by Lady Gaga. Rehearsals indicate that what's at stake for Dani making the Live shows is having a true breakout moment. Come showtime, she seemed better than her rehearsals for the song. Being a Lady Gaga enthusiast, Dani had a breakout moment too late in the song. She didn't do the vocal acrobatics until the VERY end. Bad move for me, gurl. Coach's Corner was all "ERMAHGERD FEELS! T_T".


After the performances, Shaki picked the 3 singers she wanted for the Live shows. They were in order Tess Boyer, Kristen Merlin & Dani Moz. Burn in hell Shaki. Deja was supposed to move on.


Now it's Team Adam's turn.


First, Delvin Choice of Team Adam singing “Let's Stay Together” by Al Green. Rehearsals indicate pitch could screw with him. I remember this song screwing with Karina Iglesias of S4, so there was a lot to work with. Come showtime, Delvin's tone sounded improved but not by much for this song. Also, his hair was the second coming of Donna Allen's Parliament Funkadelic lead singer realness. O_O Coach's Corner was all "Leaps and bounds, dude".

Second, Jake Barker of Team Adam singing “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5. GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL winner of the "Balls of Steel Realness" at The Voice SWEAR Ball Extravaganza! O_O Rehearsals indicate that his consistency and openness is called into question. Come showtime, his singing was actually the best it had been in his tenure to date. It's graded against himself, naturally. Coach's Corner was all "Sign my Tiger Beat of you in my heart, please?".

Third, Kat Perkins of Team Adam singing “Open Arms” by Journey. Rehearsals indicate that Journey songs are supposedly tough as fuck to sing. Come showtime, Adam's suggestion of no holds barred singing had its moments of paying off. When the chorus and all cues for the chorus came up, she nailed it. Coach's Corner was all "***Flawless like Beyonce, gurl. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS."

Fourth, Morgan Wallen of Team Adam singing "Stay" by Florida Georgia Line. Rehearsals indicate that Morgan is trying to relate to the Team Blake demographic. Sneaky move, Adam. Come showtime, his gravely, but not Patrick Thomson gritty voice has its moments but not a lot to make it captivating. Coach's Corner was all "Whoa, you were a surprise."

Finally, The Grimmie Reaper of Team Adam singing “I Won't Give Up” by Jason Mraz. Rehearsals indicate that despite her initial promise, she hasn't delivered on said promise. Adam even says, "Pick a plan and stick to it." when her consistency is called into question. Come showtime, her lower registers were not lurid but she still had nothing to offer. Coach's Corner was all "You're so little! Yes you are!" Oh wait, that was Blake Shelton's creepy ass. GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL don't be creepy to a young female contestant. *shudders*


After the performances, Adam picked the 3 singers he wanted for the Live shows. They were in order The Grimmie Reaper, Delvin Choice & Kat Perkins.


All in all, the show should be Live by now but whatever. It beats watching Idolatry.

Up next for scrutiny, the Playoffs Part III.

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: It's...Not Alive...[That's Weird]

[Tonight's recap title comes from the Mary Shelley work turned campy as fuck movie Frankenstein when the monster is brought to life by lightning...you know the goddamn quote. It's also a comment that tonight does NOT mark the beginning of the Live shows...-_-]

As mentioned in the above section, tonight doesn't mark the beginning of the Live shows; which let's be frank here, is utter bullshit. Replacing the Knockouts sucked already; having the Top 20 NOT be when the Live shows kick in is making this season in terms of formatting, the worst. All T, All Shade that's the truth. All that aside, tonight is when one of the coaches has their team perform for a chance to make the Live shows. These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on! *Oh great. Another hour long episode. Seriously NBC; cancel About a Boy and Growing Up Fisher. They eat up precious, precious time for The Voice.*

Tonight is Whistlin' Dixie night/Confederacy appreciation day...OK. It's Team Blake night.


First, Audra McLaughlin of Team Blake singing “A Broken Wing” by Martina McBride. Audra is told not to fuck around too much with a falsetto run. Come showtime, she sounds like hardcore 90s country ought to. Since this is Team Blake night, this is mainly lip service. Coach's Corner came and went faster than a NASCAR final lap. Seriously, Usher then Adam then Blake in less time than it takes for the Team Blake demographic to go muddin'.

Second, Ryan Whyte Maloney of Team Blake singing “Second Chance” by Shinedown. FUN Fact: his kids watching his Blind Audition was a viral YouTube video. Pimping your kids; the easiest way to piss me off on a singing show. Showtime came, and Ryan didn't live up to the tall order Blake sensed in rehearsals. Yeah a barely there big note was nice and...oh fuck this. Coach's Corner had a sweet moment when Usher thought Ryan sounded like Adam in the barely there high note. AWWWWWWWWW; sweet. Like Audra's performance, that shit was faster than a Mississippi prom night.

Third, Madilyn Paige of Team Blake singing “Clarity” by Zedd ft. Foxes. Rehearsals have Blake trying to play to Madilyn's fusion of vulnerable/tender & strong for youngun' vocals. Come showtime, Madilyn could not live up to the vocal expectations of the song. Shaky turned to really subpar execution. Coach's Corner had Usher remind everyone she was once on his team. Not to mention a lot of mercy from the coaches considering how bad this ended up being.

Fourth, Jake Worthington of Team Blake by “Anywhere With You” by Jake Owen. Jake's self esteem is called into question by Blake in terms of delivery. Come showtime, Jake's stage presence looks like it went through a noticeable improvement. Singing wise, I can't judge too much because I could give a floppity fishin' hole's fuck about hardcore country music. Coach's Corner was all "lurve" and more corny than motherfucking Iowa and Nebraska combined. Though I do like his "stars in the eyes" naivete he possesses.

Finally, HRFH -3.0 of Team Blake singing “New York State of Mind” by Billy Joel. Ugh; this one is a phone book singer. As you may or should remember a "phone book" singer is anyone expected to sing page 16 of the phone book and sound marvelous and I hate that. Come showtime, as with her HRFH predecessors, this one had people thinking they found religion or some other exacerbated reactionary bullshit. Coach's Corner as expected "lurve" her to pieces.


After the performances Blake picked the 3 singers he wants for the Live shows. In order they were, HRFH -3.0, Audra McLaughlin & Jake Worthington.


All in all, make the Live shows happen already. Oh wait, the others have to be skimmed through.

Up next for scrutiny, The Playoffs Part II.

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: What Does the Faux Say?

[This episode's title comes from the earworm of hell known as "What Does the Fox Say?" by Ylvis. *FUN Fact: That song is on a loop in all but limbo in hell. (Limbo does have some morality now.)* It's also some fashion "punnery".]

{Alternate titles include "Change the CHANEL", "DIOR Need of Assistance", "Death be Not PRADA", "La DOLCE & GABBANA Vida [Before the Battles Round 2]", "The Red BADGLEY MISCHKA of Courage", "BEBE Le Pew", "DKNY Undercover Counterfeit Detectives", etc.}

Tonight marks the final price...err night of Knockoffs on The Voice. In this episode Adam, Usher, Shakira and Blake have to figure out who Blake's going to steal because he's the only one left with a steal (Oops; SPOILERS Y'ALL -_-). With knowledge that tomorrow starts the first ever NOT LIVE Playoffs tonight is 6 battles long and Blake will use his steal on the last battle. Just a hunch -_-. Either way, these are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!


First, Clarissa Serna V.S. Dani Moz of Team Shakira. They agreed to sing "Perfect" by P!nk. Rehearsals indicate anxiety in overall delivery and a need for stage dynamics. At least there are some legitimate critiques for both. What I couldn't stand is how "even" this battle is being marketed. Clarissa can easily bitchslap Dani vocally, but I have been proven wrong oh so many times before. The battle commenced again and Clarissa had a near perfect execution. Dani sounds improved compared to her first battle, but not by much. After Coach's Corner had improvements noticed in both singers [and actual critiquing of both contestants], Shakira declared Dani the winner. Goddamnit. At least the Amber Nicole spirit was with this one. Clarissa is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Second, Kat Perkins V.S. Dawn & Hawkes of Team Adam. They agreed to sing "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall. Rehearsals indicate that despite their chops (Used very loosely considering Ma & Pa's Generic Store is there) emotive qualities need to be exerted better. Kat is told not to overdo it and the others are told to have the chemistry Adam gave a shit about in the Blind Auditions. The battle commenced again and Ma & Pa sounded boring while Kat sounded good but neither had the "FUCK IT!" mentality a KT Tunstall song needs. That was more an arrangement fuck up, but that is no excuse. After Coach's Corner more or less picked up that Kat tiger-fucked her opponents, Adam declared Kat the winner. YAY! Ma & Pa's Generic Store had to close up shop [got eliminated from the competition].

Third, Music Box V.S. Melissa Jimenez of Team Usher. They agreed to sing "Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys. With the Knockouts turned into Knockoffs, I was wondering how the "curse" of Alicia Keys [or P!nk] songs post Battle Rounds...1 could be reversed. Initial rehearsals indicate Melissa is being too forced and Music Box is being told to reign in the emotive qualities of the song. The battle commenced again and Melissa was scintillating while Music Box was commanding. A nice but not excessive crowd hyping then occurred toward the end. Cute touch; I give them that. After Coach's Corner had some divisive reactions, Usher declared Melissa the winner. Scintillating can beat commanding apparently. -_- Music Box is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Fourth, Ryan Whyte Maloney V.S. Kaleigh Glanton of Team Blake. They agreed to sing "Easy" by Rascal Flatts ft. Natasha Bedingfield. Rehearsals indicate that Kaleigh could tiger-fuck Ryan [and Ryan egged this song choice for the both of them O_O]. The battle commenced again and Ryan was clean but not truly captivating. Kaleigh seemed well improved compared to anything else she did until that night. After Coach's Corner had Usher seem like an aficionado RE: this song choice, Blake declared Ryan the winner. O_O Well damn. That was a surprise. Kaleigh is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Fifth, Jake Barker V.S. Brittnee Camelle of Team Adam. They agreed to sing "Climax" by Usher. Rehearsals had Jake worried he'd fuck up falsettos and Brittnee worried she could overdo it. Chemistry is also called into question as Adam physically pushes Jake to Brittnee. Don't be pushing his ass so close to Brittnee's Kool-Aid/personal space! The battle commenced again and Jake seemed like he could've spent 5 more minutes practicing falsettos. Brittnee sounded less melodramatic and more clean. After Coach's Corner had Usher be the expert on the song choice, Adam declared Jake the winner. Ugh; Ryan Tedder looking muddafucka. Brittnee is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Finally, Madilyn Paige V.S. Bria Kelly of Team Usher. They agreed to sing "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders. Rehearsals indicate Madilyn's potential hasn't been fully tapped yet while Bria is called to be more subtle. The battle commenced again and Bria had some rough first notes. Madilyn had some improvement in projection. Madilyn's clean delivery was the highlight along with Briaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa's vibrato isuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuues (See what I did there?) After Coach's Corner had Blake wishing he used a steal earlier [serves you right], Usher declared Bria the winner. Because this is the last battle of the season, Blake uses his only steal on Madilyn despite just shading her as not standing out. What does the FAUX say now goddamnit?!


All in all, the Knockouts were better because if someone went home, it was their damn fault [or the coach's for the pairing]. The Battles Round 2, suck. They do and NBC; reinstate the Knockouts for S7 onward.

Up next for scrutiny, the Playoffs Part I.

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: The Outlet Store II: Chinatown Knockoff Sequeloo

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These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired in the Knockoffs Round 2: Get on Down to Chinatown...

Let's play rough and get it on! *PROGRAMMING Note: It's only an hour so battles 3-5 may or most likely will get montaged.*


First, Biff Gore V.S. HRFH -3.0 of Team Blake. They agreed on singing "It's a Man's Man's Man's World" by James Brown. Biff's legitimate soul inspiration and HRFH -3.0 being the overrated one she is was expected to sing page 16 of the phone book are the highlights of the rehearsals.The battle commenced again and the crowd proceeded to lose their shit. Their reaction was something to the effect of being saved by Jesus. After Coach's Corner had a small hope from Usher picking Biff (Where the hell were you for the FIRST Battle?!), Blake declared HRFH -3.0 the winner of the Battle...again. -_- Biff is not stolen and is eliminated. The HRFH dynasty continues.

Second, Deja Hall V.S. Ddendyl of Team Shakira. They agreed on singing "Say Something" by A Great Big World ft. X-Tina. Rehearsals have both singers being even in terms of singing but Deja gets the emotive crap again. Shut the fuck up; Deja can sing. Stage presence V.S. emotion is the sub battle title. The battle commenced again and Ddendyl tried to do the Regina Spektor thing of breathiness too much while Deja was subtle but fantastic. After Coach's Corner acknowledged the show made the song they sang relevant (Don't look at me like that. Did you ever hear that group before they performed or even collaborated with X-Tina?), Shaki declared Deja the winner of the Battle...again. Ddendyl is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition ("It breaks my hear-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-arrrrrt" That was a Regina Spektor joke).

(M) Third, Emily B. V.S. Kristen Merlin of Team Shaki. They agreed on singing "I Can Love You Better" by The Dixie Chicks. Shaki declared Kristen the winner of the Battle...again. Sorry you got montaged again, gurl.

Finally, Stevie Jo V.S. Morgan Wallen of Team Usher. These two got to know each other through filming and got the "BFF FIGHTING EDIT; SADFACE : (" They agreed on singing "Story of My Life" by One Direction. DOUBLE ELIMINATION AT ONCE! [Sorry; a cough.] Morgan's weird attempt at Chris Isaak breath/shivering singing and Stevie's lower registers are called upon for improvement. The battle commenced again Stevie sounded the cleanest he had yet while Morgan did his best to not "Chris Isaak". The rest of the battle would be more in Stevie's favor as Usher grimaced at one point during Morgan's performance. After Coach's Corner had a typical but nice diss of One Direction by Adam, Usher declared Stevie Jo the winner of the Battle...again. A steal is used on Morgan by Adam. Good job Adam -_-

O_o Wait a goddamn minute...there were only 4 Battles and a montage was still used? This is how we call in the business...some ol' bullshit.


All in all, the Knockoffs continue to drop in price...of dignity.

Next up for scrutiny, the Knockoffs Part III

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: The Battle Rounds II: The Electric Revenge of Frankenstein Sequeloo

[Tonight's episode recap title comes from 2 sad facts...OK; 3. First, the Knockout Rounds have been killed off for some Battle Rounds redux. BOO. Second, "sequeloo" or "revenge" is when shit gets repeated and comes from an adage that sequels SUCK. That and Frankenstein is the monster made up of all the crap from dead people 'n stuff. Third, Chris Martin of Coldplay fame is apparently the only person that can answer the phone for advising purposes this season. T_T]

Tonight, with the help of Mary Shelley (The person who wrote Frankenstein; just in case you didn't care in English class) The Voice got enough lightning to resurrect the Battle Rounds for the people who may or most likely got montaged or tiger-fucked but stolen. Like a Roald Dahl book written by a modern satirist, this is a case of "James and the Giant Peach: Big Fuckin' Deal edition". These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired tonight...

Let's play rough and get it on!


First, Audra McLaughlin V.S. Megan Ruger of Team Blake. They agreed on singing "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. This happened to accommodate both styles of Audra and Megan [country and "rawk"]. Rehearsals indicate that Megan might've tiger-fucked herself in losing some "rawk" edge. Audra is just told not to be fender ketchup. The Battle commenced again and Audra's introduction sounded muddled while Megan sounded pretty decent. The rest of the Battle has Audra hit a high note while Megan fights to be distinct without reference to her hair. O_O After Coach's Corner reiterated what initial rehearsals suggested and a bit as to what happened in the Battles, Blake declared Audra the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. Megan is not stolen and she and her umlaut head on home.

*Oh; programming note: Usher is wearing a dumb hat a la Davey Crockett...I defer to this tweet I made...

"Damn. At least Usher wins 'Davey Crockett Executive Realness' at the Voice Ball Extravaganza! #ThisIsTheVoice"

Second, Cierra Mickens V.S. T.J. Wilkins of Team Usher. They agreed on singing "Get Here" by Oleta Adams. This happened because despite them being soulful, they don't want their choice to be interpreted as gentrified [old]. Transitions through the key changes is what both of them are told to work on. Committing to the emotion of the song is the other [but standard by now] thing they have to work on. The Battle commenced again and Cierra sounded very ethereal and pretty while T.J. was too breath and pitch issue ridden. T.J. did improve but Cierra was consistent and that matters more. After Coach's Corner was all "ERMAHGERD; LURVE 'n such", Usher declared T.J. the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Cierra is not stolen and is eliminated. This sucks. She should've stayed.

Third, Jake Worthington V.S. Tess Boyer of Team Blake. Second chance realness alert! They agreed on singing "Have a Little Faith in Me" by John Hiatt. Pronunciation is the thing they're asked to work on. The Battle commenced again and Jake had a surprising showcase of lung capacity while Tess was good in certain moments. The rest of the performance was smooth but a little creepy when Jake's hand was near Tess' face. Sorry, but the dude could palm a beach ball O_O  After Coach's Corner saw divisive albeit positive reactions from the coach, Blake declared Jake the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. An opt for stealing Tess comes from Adam, Shakira and Usher. She picks Shakira as her new coach. *MUSICAL HOMEY HOPPER ALERT!*

Fourth, Sam Behymer V.S. the Grimmie Reaper of Team Adam. They agreed on singing "Counting Stars" by OneRepublic. BOOOOOOOOOO! (Sorry; I'm "wack-tose" intolerant.) Initial rehearsals have Sam being told to be consistent and Grimmie Reaper is told to pull it back a touch. The Battle commenced again and Sam had her cleanest introductory notes yet while Grimmie Reaper was just there. Sam also had improved projection. After Coach's Corner had some interesting comments and some divided commentary, Adam declared the Grimmie Reaper the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sam is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Fifth, Josh Murley V.S. Patrick Thomson of Team Shakira. Team Adam STOLEN to Team Shaki ALERT! They agreed on singing "Run to You" by Bryan Adams. Rehearsals have this predicted in favor of Josh due to genre. Interesting theory, Shaki. Both are just told to not end up fender ketchup. The Battle commenced again and Josh sounded kind of sexy singing the song; plot twist y'all. Patrick's grit is a touch too severe for this song. After Coach's Corner had more of the same commentary, Shaki declared Patrick the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. Josh is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition. -_- Maybe Shaki likes too sever grit and "Cole Vosbury Realness" trophy snatchers from the Voice Ball EXTRAVAGANZA!

Finally, Delvin Choice V.S. Josh Kaufman of Team Adam. It's a battle of terrible head accessories; Delvin with the "Lobster" and Josh with that damn hat. First thing's first, neither have those damn head accessories. They both win! They agreed on singing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered; I'm Yours" by Stevie Wonder. Rehearsals indicate that Josh may be screwed in terms of upping the ante. Delvin's lung capacity is called into question for being all mighty 'n such. The Battle commenced again ("And there's a goddamn steal" Shut the fuck up, we're not there yet) and Delvin won in the first five notes. Josh also tried his heart out (But sucked to me.) After Coach's Corner was half "lurve"/half critique, Adam declared Delvin the winner of the Knockoffs...err Battle Round II. Opts for Josh stealing came from Usher and Josh is now on Usher's team.


All in all, I'm just going to call these rounds what they are; the Knockoffs. Oh and shit will get real on the show very soon.

Up next for scrutiny, The Knockoffs Part II.

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: Four Score and Five Weeks Ago (or Something)

[Tonight's episode recap title is a play on Abraham Lincoln's famous quote "Four score and seven years ago" from the Gettysburg Address and that fact that through television it's been like 5 weeks of the season...or something like that.]

Tonight marked the end of the 6th season of Battles. I was pissed as to who some of the contestants that made it turned out to be; I was relieved when I could call a select few of the battles and I...oh hell I'm not good at this sappy shit. Let's see if Adam, Shakira, Usher and Blake royally screwed up or, made some prudent decisions so not based on voting blocks made up of people who can't vote in elections due to age or apathy 'n such -_-. These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First, Cary Laine V.S. Sam Behymer of Team Adam. They were tasked with singing "Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran. The intent was to have Sam and Cary meet in the middle stylistically. Sam's breath is called into question along with Cary's pitch being too nasal. Final rehearsals have Sam's yodel-ish thing being questioned along with Cary's emotive connection to the song. I was thinking if Sam could make up for her audition, she'd have a chance to win the battle. The battle commenced and Sam's projection was the most improved of any of the introverts there. Cary started off a touch too subtle for my liking. Eventually, Sam's lower registers did sound a bit too bum-like. After Coach's Corner tried to make this seem more even than it seemed [being all "Apples and Oranges, dude."], Adam declares Sam the winner of the Battle. Knew it; she made up for her audition and then some. Cary is not stolen and eliminated from the competition.

Second, Kaleigh Glanton V.S. Noah Lis of Team Blake. They were tasked with singing "Everything" by Michael Buble. This crooner thing could be up Noah's alley; but because he's a touch schmuck wannabe I was rooting for Kaleigh. Rehearsals indicate that Noah could be screwed in terms of going nuts with the arrangement. Then the chemistry indicates that this could get Emily Valentine and Curtis Grimes from S1 [which for those who don't know, when their battle ended; they kissed. -_- It was one of the tackiest moments in Voice anthology]. The battle commenced and apart from the freshman prom realness, this was mediocre on both sides. Noah was too subtle for a crooner and Kaleigh half-assed her vocals. After Coach's Corner took mental prom pictures of these two, Blake declares Kaleigh the winner of the Battle. Noah is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

*Now in the unfortunate tradition of being an even numbered Voice Battle Round episode...battles 3-5 have been montaged...

Cali Tucker V.S. Ryan White Maloney of Team Blake. They were tasked with singing "What's Love Got to Do With It" by Tina Turner. Ryan won.

Christina Grimmie V.S. Josh Howard of Team. They were tasked with singing "I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift.The Grimmie Reaper won.

Kristen Merlin V.S. Lindsay Bruce of Team Shakira. They were tasked with singing "Turn on The Radio" by Reba McEntire. Kristen won.

R.I.P. to your chances [most likely...sorry bout it.] T_T*

Finally, Cierra Mickens V.S. Emily B. of Team Shakira. They were tasked with singing “Brave” by Sara Bareilles. Cierra loves her some Gnarls Barkley so I was rooting for her from the start. Rehearsals have Cierra be told to not emulate the artist who sang originally. Emily is told to commit to the notes she's singing. The battle commenced and apart from the Jessica Childress (S4) realness Cierra was giving, she was dominating the battle. Emily's pitch is improved but nothing I would give a victory to. After Coach's Corner had some surprisingly divisive decisions, Shakira declares Emily B. the winner of the Battle. Because this is the last battle, Usher steals Cierra and completes his team.

All in all, the Knockouts [or some bullshit with Mr. Gwenyth Paltrow {Chris Martin; lead singer of Coldplay}] is coming just like winter on that HBO show with naked people and violence...Girls (Or is it Looking? Sex and the City? The one with Daenerys! That's right : P)


Up next for scrutiny, the Knockout Rounds [or something] Part I.