Monday, April 7, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: What Does the Faux Say?

[This episode's title comes from the earworm of hell known as "What Does the Fox Say?" by Ylvis. *FUN Fact: That song is on a loop in all but limbo in hell. (Limbo does have some morality now.)* It's also some fashion "punnery".]

{Alternate titles include "Change the CHANEL", "DIOR Need of Assistance", "Death be Not PRADA", "La DOLCE & GABBANA Vida [Before the Battles Round 2]", "The Red BADGLEY MISCHKA of Courage", "BEBE Le Pew", "DKNY Undercover Counterfeit Detectives", etc.}

Tonight marks the final price...err night of Knockoffs on The Voice. In this episode Adam, Usher, Shakira and Blake have to figure out who Blake's going to steal because he's the only one left with a steal (Oops; SPOILERS Y'ALL -_-). With knowledge that tomorrow starts the first ever NOT LIVE Playoffs tonight is 6 battles long and Blake will use his steal on the last battle. Just a hunch -_-. Either way, these are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First, Clarissa Serna V.S. Dani Moz of Team Shakira. They agreed to sing "Perfect" by P!nk. Rehearsals indicate anxiety in overall delivery and a need for stage dynamics. At least there are some legitimate critiques for both. What I couldn't stand is how "even" this battle is being marketed. Clarissa can easily bitchslap Dani vocally, but I have been proven wrong oh so many times before. The battle commenced again and Clarissa had a near perfect execution. Dani sounds improved compared to her first battle, but not by much. After Coach's Corner had improvements noticed in both singers [and actual critiquing of both contestants], Shakira declared Dani the winner. Goddamnit. At least the Amber Nicole spirit was with this one. Clarissa is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Second, Kat Perkins V.S. Dawn & Hawkes of Team Adam. They agreed to sing "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall. Rehearsals indicate that despite their chops (Used very loosely considering Ma & Pa's Generic Store is there) emotive qualities need to be exerted better. Kat is told not to overdo it and the others are told to have the chemistry Adam gave a shit about in the Blind Auditions. The battle commenced again and Ma & Pa sounded boring while Kat sounded good but neither had the "FUCK IT!" mentality a KT Tunstall song needs. That was more an arrangement fuck up, but that is no excuse. After Coach's Corner more or less picked up that Kat tiger-fucked her opponents, Adam declared Kat the winner. YAY! Ma & Pa's Generic Store had to close up shop [got eliminated from the competition].

Third, Music Box V.S. Melissa Jimenez of Team Usher. They agreed to sing "Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys. With the Knockouts turned into Knockoffs, I was wondering how the "curse" of Alicia Keys [or P!nk] songs post Battle Rounds...1 could be reversed. Initial rehearsals indicate Melissa is being too forced and Music Box is being told to reign in the emotive qualities of the song. The battle commenced again and Melissa was scintillating while Music Box was commanding. A nice but not excessive crowd hyping then occurred toward the end. Cute touch; I give them that. After Coach's Corner had some divisive reactions, Usher declared Melissa the winner. Scintillating can beat commanding apparently. -_- Music Box is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Fourth, Ryan Whyte Maloney V.S. Kaleigh Glanton of Team Blake. They agreed to sing "Easy" by Rascal Flatts ft. Natasha Bedingfield. Rehearsals indicate that Kaleigh could tiger-fuck Ryan [and Ryan egged this song choice for the both of them O_O]. The battle commenced again and Ryan was clean but not truly captivating. Kaleigh seemed well improved compared to anything else she did until that night. After Coach's Corner had Usher seem like an aficionado RE: this song choice, Blake declared Ryan the winner. O_O Well damn. That was a surprise. Kaleigh is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Fifth, Jake Barker V.S. Brittnee Camelle of Team Adam. They agreed to sing "Climax" by Usher. Rehearsals had Jake worried he'd fuck up falsettos and Brittnee worried she could overdo it. Chemistry is also called into question as Adam physically pushes Jake to Brittnee. Don't be pushing his ass so close to Brittnee's Kool-Aid/personal space! The battle commenced again and Jake seemed like he could've spent 5 more minutes practicing falsettos. Brittnee sounded less melodramatic and more clean. After Coach's Corner had Usher be the expert on the song choice, Adam declared Jake the winner. Ugh; Ryan Tedder looking muddafucka. Brittnee is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Finally, Madilyn Paige V.S. Bria Kelly of Team Usher. They agreed to sing "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders. Rehearsals indicate Madilyn's potential hasn't been fully tapped yet while Bria is called to be more subtle. The battle commenced again and Bria had some rough first notes. Madilyn had some improvement in projection. Madilyn's clean delivery was the highlight along with Briaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa's vibrato isuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuues (See what I did there?) After Coach's Corner had Blake wishing he used a steal earlier [serves you right], Usher declared Bria the winner. Because this is the last battle of the season, Blake uses his only steal on Madilyn despite just shading her as not standing out. What does the FAUX say now goddamnit?!

All in all, the Knockouts were better because if someone went home, it was their damn fault [or the coach's for the pairing]. The Battles Round 2, suck. They do and NBC; reinstate the Knockouts for S7 onward.

Up next for scrutiny, the Playoffs Part I.

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