Monday, March 24, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: MrSwearword (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love is a Battlefield)

[Tonight's episode recap title comes from two main places. 1 It's a spin on the black and white film Dr. Strangelove (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb) and 2. The song ("'Love is a Battlefield' by Pat Benetar because you're giving love to the 80s?" Bitch please.) "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks.]

Round 3 of the Battles took place as Adam, Usher, Shakira and Blake whittled and stole at will and the Voice-over of Carson promises the "heist" of the Voice S6 anthology (Don't bullshit people over this, Carson. This is the Battle Rounds; not the goddamn Hope Diamond). These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First, Josh Kaufman V.S. Austin Ellis of Team Adam. They were tasked with singing “Happy” by Pharrell. Considering that this is a song I like (GURL WHAT? Yes, I wrote that I liked something. Sanction me.) I was hoping this would not be fucked up. Initial rehearsals have Josh being told not to fuck up his breath during a lyric and Austin being called "growly" by Aloe Blacc. Final rehearsals have a reminder that crowd contact matters and that Josh could be tiger-fucked in that sense. Austin is being told to reign it in ever so slightly. The battle commenced and had Austin seem to own the projection. Honestly, the singing styles of both of them was intended to make it a soul classic; but it seemed like a cheap rat pack impersonator hour. After Coach's Corner tried to make the battle seem tougher to determine than it was, Adam declares Josh the winner of the Battle. Austin is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Second, Alaska & Madi V.S. Audra McLaughlin of Team Blake. They were tasked with singing “When Will I Be Loved” by The Everly Brothers/Linda Ronstadt. Kind of like U.S. History, a battle with the Confederacy I don't care about : P Initial rehearsal has Audra being told to keep up with the duo and the duo be told to pick when they perform in unison. Final rehearsals have the edge be made even. The battle commenced and their voices blended together to where I could not differentiate between any of them and that is bad in a battle. After Coach's Corner was all "Whoa; Audra was not tag team tiger-fucked!", Blake declares Audra the winner of the Battle. Duos rarely work on the show and I thought Alaska and Madi were screwed from the start. They are not stolen and are eliminated from the competition.

Third, Deja Hall V.S. Music Box of Team Shakira. They were tasked with singing "Eternal Flame" by the Bengals. *FUN Fact: Music Box is a nickname because she suffered from horrible stage fright* Deja's age is used against her while Music is told to be consistent. Final rehearsals have a slight setback for both of them but the fact that Deja is honest enough to ask how she can improve is amazing. Music is OK. Her pitch and consistency can and should be called into question if it's off in any way. The battle commenced and Deja's vulnerability and singing were fused rather nicely. Music had projection but barely any emotive backing. After Coach's Corner were like "WHOA; Deja is 16!", Shakira declares Deja the winner of the Battle. YAY! Bonus YAY! of Music Box being stolen by Usher because despite the bias she is actually good.

Fourth, Madilyn Paige V.S. Tanner James of Team Usher. They were tasked with singing "Everything Has Changed" by Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran. The intent was to have stage chemistry between the two. The exercise Usher implements is intended to draw the two closer to another from a distance. Final rehearsals have Madilyn say "I've never had a boyfriend." GURL you're a teenager from Utah. I'm surprised "boyfriend" doesn't censored on Utah television sets. -_- The Voice-over of Carson declared this "the most adorable battle in history." The battle commenced and Madilyn sounded less nervous and Tanner just sounded really beige/safe. After Coach's Corner had Adam be all "ERMAHGERD; TOTES ADORBZ!", Usher declares Madilyn the winner of the Battle. Tanner is not stolen and is eliminated from the competition.

Fifth, Dawn & Hawkes V.S. Josh Murley of Team Adam. They were tasked with singing "Stuck in the Middle with You". Like Audra, Josh had to deal with a duo because duos = harmony. Final rehearsals add that Josh might be too stoic. The battle commenced and Josh's performance improves but I had a bad feeling that Ma and Pa's Generic Store [D&H] might pull an undeserved win. Overall the beige/safe/matte performance can be summarized through this tweet I made...

"Huh; so this is what it's like when Valspar dries. #ThisIsTheVoice"

After Coach's Corner was all "Let's get a beer you guys!", Adam declares Dawn & Hawkes the winner of the Battle. Damn. Josh is stolen at the last minute by Shakira. YAY!

Finally, Bria Kelly V.S. Tess Boyer of Team Usher. The overrated Bria is on my personal hate list. They were tasked with singing "Piece of My Heart" by Janis Joplin. O_O Uh-oh. A Janis Joplin song for the bluesy one [Bria] meant a tiger-fucking was in the works [like Beverly McClellan V.S. Justin Grennan bad.] Bria is told to grit it up even more. Tess is told to be more unpolished and break that NFL cheerleader thing. The grit of Janis Joplin is damn hard to replicate but this might lead to a Bria victory *sadface* The battle commenced and it wasn't the tiger-fucking I feared it would be but I had an inkling Tess might be robbed a Battle victory. After Coach's Corner thought this battle was completely even, Usher declares Bria the winner of the Battle. Tess is stolen by Blake at the last minute and is still in the competition.

All in all there is only 1 Battle Round left after tonight. Let's hope to God it's good even though [SPOILERS Y'ALL] there will be a goddamn montage of 3 battles.

Up next for scrutiny, Part IV of the Battle Rounds.

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