Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: On the 6...th Pun Driven Title

[Tonight's episode title makes reference to Jennifer Lopez's debut album On the 6. Don't you miss her career before Idolatry?]

Well, we knew that ever since teams on this show were reduced to only 12 per coach that Blind Auditions would come to an end. With only one spot left per team, who did Adam, Shakira, Usher and Blake turn their kickass office chairs for? (SPOILERS Y'ALL. I'm telling you who they ended up turning for.) These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar and instances of Romper Room Fuckery that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

Getting the final Blind Audition S6 Baptism of Fire, Joe Trombino. A former videHO [video ho] for some artists including Ricky Martin & such. He auditions with a song called "Love and Happiness". After Adam clocked his rhythm being off, he ended up resorting to a Leo Gallo and dancing. Mmmmm; this was a disaster from the start, but dammit if he didn't look like a figure skater on casual Friday. Adam's comment ended up being the best bit of Coach's Corner after they pretended he didn't Dyson VACUUM (suck) in that performance. He ended up a reject of S6.

Second, Kaleigh Glanton. She's marketed by the Voiceover of Carson as a soul singer type. After some CrossFit shit, she auditions with "Have You Ever Seen The Rain". Apparently this chick sang like a Lady Jesus and had all of the coaches turn for her. Her range was way too limited in that song and I don't think this chick will make it past the Battle Rounds. The coaches get all like "You're MY 12th! Screw them!" and after that crap she ends up picking Blake as her coach. Now I don't have to care about her either! : ) Per usual, Blake finishes before Adam and completes his team of 12. *that was a Shevine joke, y'all*

Third, Brittnee Camelle [needs a new name]. She has an ANTM style beef in that her being biracial is her "hindrance". GURL; you are beautiful. No one cares if you're black, white, crazy, old, young, etc. as long as you can sing ("What about record executives?" Shut the hell up.) She auditions with "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato. She sounds decent, but for pop music...there are a lot more songs that are well constructed for singing in public. Shaki and Usher end up turning for her. Coach's corner seemed too weird to give a nugget worth of text to describe. After that, she ends up picking Usher as her coach. With Brittnee, ("Get a goddamn stage name! Anna Mae Bullock did and look at her NOW!") Usher completes his team of 12.

Fourth, Beau Thomas. DAD WITH DREAMS ALERT! After cheap pandering of his kids for the camera, he auditions with "You Are The Best Thing" by Ray LaMontagne. He dedicates this to his kids and I hate him for pandering sooooooo hard. His singing is way too bland for this "blues" thingy Ray LaMontagne is known for to his fans. The coaches realize this and like I thought, retribution came sweetly and this pandering jackass ended up a S6 reject. However, every reject is courteous so he's in good company. Next time, pimp your voice, not your children.

Fifth, Lindsay Bruce. She auditions with "Even if it Breaks Your Heart". Her lower registers were way too shaky for my liking but shows what I know. Adam and Shaki turned for her and honestly I have no clue why. Her singing while it improved, was still nothing for more than one chair to turn. She ends up picking Shaki after Coach's Corner got a touch foul for even me. Guys, Adam can do crossover Pop/Country stuff [Amber Carrington S4 anyone?] like this chick wants to do. With Lindsay, Shakira completes her team of 12.

REJECT MONTAGE! Better luck in the future...NEXT!

Closing out the Blind Auditions for S6, Caleb Elder. With some crappy sitcom right afterwards, SPOILER; Adam turns for this one. He auditions with "Groove Me". His singing proved Karina Mia should've been picked instead of this kid. It's the truth. With this one, Adam finally finishes *Shevine joke* his team of 12.

All in all, prepare yourself for Battle...Rounds. [And Lyndsey Parker of Yahoo! Music fame getting royally pissed over certain people getting the boot. I will too in some cases.] Things will get all you know...Korean War SEVERE Up In Here! (Like I'm making a Ukraine joke here.)

Up next for scrutiny, Part I of the Battle Rounds.

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