Monday, March 3, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: Rise of the ValkyTHREE

[The title is an admitted lazy reworking of Wagner's famous composition "Rise of the Valkyries".]

Tonight marks part 3 of the adventure in which Adam Levine, Shakira, Usher and Blake Shelton agreed and inadvertently agreed to perform:

- Discover and mentor a singer/duo that can earn them bragging rights through the competition reality show voting block.

- Engage in something called "Romper Room Fuckery" in an attempt to woo said singer/duo [banter 'n stuff]

- [for Mr. and Mr. Shevine] Have the camaraderie come across as sexual tension to those who laugh at sex jokes.

All the while, they get the best work chairs seen on National TV. That sappy mess aside, these are nouns, pronouns, marklar and gerunds that transpired tonight...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First of the night, Ryan Whyte Maloney. He reveals that he had some experience with being in bands in his youth. Then the Dad with Dreams story kick in. OK; the kids are important in his life, but to me; this is The Voice. Impress me with your singing and shut it about everything else. He auditioned with "Lights" by Journey. His singing was decent but his pitch seems higher than the song could call for. After an unforgivable pun about Las Vegas by Usher, Adam thinking this one sounded like Journey's lead singer [O_O] and other banter moments, he ends up picking Blake as his coach.

Second, DeShawn Washington. His Louisiana roots act as the human interest piece as a way for people to "get to know him". He auditions with "Twistin' the Night Away". This song is a bit too novelty for my liking but Shaki ends up turning for him. He did have a decent singing voice, but I can't stomach the novelty song choice. The other coaches "regret" their decision but you can't regret it too much if you weren't impressed. DeShawn ends up on Team Shaki by default.

Third up, Sam Behymer (I'll tell you what I told Dustin Hatzenbuhler and Anna Mae Bullock; get a goddamn stage name!). She auditions with "Royals" by Lorde. She's decent until a few bum yodel-like notes turns her on the fence for me. Adam and Usher turned their chairs around [credit to Adam for noting the bum notes]. After some banter and that all that schmatta...she ends up picking Adam as her coach. Quirky and weird chicks do well on Adam's team so this one might make at least the Knockouts.

*oh goody...a reject montage -_-*

Fourth, Brendan Ryan. He's an improv pianist whose "My Favorite Chair" is this show's "Pants on the Ground". Singing before an audition that isn't a warm-up is like eating at Golden Corral buffet before an eating contest. He auditions with "Love on Top" by Beyonce. Love the song choice, but his singing was a bit too subdued for a Beyonce song. None of the coaches turn and they act like they "regret" it. He wasn't that good, but he does get credit for singing Beyonce in public. Bye Brendan. You'll be on my mouth like liquor like the amount of liquor in a Shirley Temple...the best non alcoholic drink ever. *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade*

Fifth, Brothers Walker. Twins that have one as a math teacher and the other is an audio engineer. Twin jokes and small town "Big City" dreams aside, these two come across like a sort of digestible Mumford & Sons. They audition with "Keep Me In Mind". Singing wise, they aren't exactly the most interesting/captivating of the lot, but it isn't lurid. Usher turns at the last minute by pushing the button with his shoe. -_- GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL don't be pushing buttons with your foot. These two end up on Usher's team by default.

Next up, real estate phone answering person Clarissa Serna. She's a girl who helps out at an after school music program. That's awesome. What isn't is her whole "my friends are settling" schpiel. Ugh. At least her audition choice "Zombie" by the Cranberries is glorious. The coaches realize this as all of them turn around for her. The banter is a bit too bitter sounding but I'm happy her kickass singing of this song makes me happy. She ends up picking Shakira as her coach. Kind of surprising considering she wanted to pick Usher at first.

Then, Lindsey Pagano [Shakira], Joshua Howard [Adam] & Tanner James [Usher] got the Boring People Montage. OUCH. May the Amber Nicole spirit fill you all.

Then, Robert Lee; a post office worker from the South; Alabama to be specific. Yes, a man from the South named ROBERT LEE. O_O Another Dad with Dreams with twins on the way (If he met the Brothers Walker, he should have an idea.) trying to make it. He auditions with "The Weight" by The Band. He seems a touch too lackluster for a song like this. He ends up another reject of S6.

After that, Melissa Jimenez. A Daddy's girl in his 10 piece orchestra and had record label experience. PLANT! [sorry; it's a cough]. She auditions with "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys. She kicks ass a capella but then the arrangement drowned to her to me. Credit for singing some of it in Spanish, but the a capella was better. Then Usher and Shakira turned at the last minute...I defer to this tweet I made regarding her overall performance...

"OK contestant #4 singing in Spanish. Lo que tu quieras pero no me gusta personalmente. #ThisIsTheVoice #OprimaDos"

Then after the banter, she picks Usher as her coach. She needs improvement with the arrangement. Seriously, she's in a 10 piece band. She should know how to sing with arranged music.

The next one to audition was Patrick Thomson. A bit of a Cole Vosbury flashback in looks with some "oddjobs" resume whilst trying to pursue music. He auditions with "Can't You See" by the Marshall Tucker Band. He sounded too much like Cole Vosbury for my liking. His voice is pleasantly gravely, but I can't seem to like him just yet. Mr. and Mr. Shevine turn around and fight over him adorably. He picks Adam as his coach leaving Blake "devastated". He's nothing to gripe about losing nor brag about gaining.

*Then, ANOTHER reject montage occurred. YAY -_-*

Then, Allison Bray. She's country looking, but she loves some non-country to stand out from the blonde country singers of the world. Well done, I like her already. She auditions with "Where the Boys Are" by Connie Francis. She does sound pleasant, but she ended up a Deanna Johnson from S5; country bait environment but non-country song choice working against her. I can't understand why, but she ends up a S6 reject.

Finally, SiSaundra Lewis. She's giving Frenchie Davis c. Idolatry Season 2 audition realness. Then she's revealed as a plant having worked with Celine Dion. -_- She auditions with "Ain't No Way" by Aretha Franklin. This is Sasha Allen's song. Back up. All the coaches turn for her and I don't know why. She missed way too many notes throughout the song. I can't with THIS overrated backup singer for an acclaimed music act. The coaches "fight" for her and afterwards, she picks Blake as her coach. O_O Good; now I don't have to care about you. : P

All in all, with maybe 2 to 3 more parts to go, this season will prove interesting.

Up next for scrutiny, Part IV of the Blind Auditions.

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