Monday, March 10, 2014

The Voice U.S. S6 Recap: Pig Five Alley

[Tonight's title is in reference to a locale in the 2004 action comedy, Kung Fu Hustle called Pig Sty Alley. Why? Worth it to me.]

Tonight marks the fifth night Adam, Shakira, Usher and Blake build their teams in order to pit them in the Battle Rounds; then the Knockouts all before the Live shows. Yet not before they can engage in coach banter/Romper Room Fuckery. It's worth it considering every now and then, the coaches turn for someone I like (Yes, they're in there. I can't hate everyone or I'd be "hate watching".) Enough of that sappy shit. These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds and marklar that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

First tried in the Court of Public Opinion, Kat Perkins. Hmm; I thought of CopyKat when this chick revealed her love of "rawk" music. She auditions with "Gold Dust Woman". At first she was shaping to be a reject before Adam, Shaki and Usher turned around for her. I thought she wasn't giving enough distinction of either country turned rock or crossover/fusion bullshit. After the banter commenced and died down, she ended up picking Adam as her coach. Mainly, this was because she did confirm her "rawk" character. I don't see much of her, but I have been wrong before.

Second, Gabi Ramirez who wants to bend it like Beckham in his own way (Yes, he does win "A Boy Named Sue" realness at The Voice BALL Extravaganza.) He auditions with "The A Team" by Ed Sheeran. His voice was too docile for a song meant to be captivating and the coaches sensed this too. He ended up a reject of S6 and the coaches simply told him to not hold back singing the hell out of those notes.

Third, Paula DeAnda...yes "Doin' Too Much" Paula DeAnda. And she's from San Antonio, TX [where I'm from]. You had your chance, girly; you opened up for Rihanna and you're here? Ugh. She auditions with "The Way" by Ariana Grande ft. Mac Miller. She was decent with the song (Better than Macey Estes that's for sure). Shaki and Blake ended up turning for her which shocked me. After coach banter, she picks Blake as her coach. Now, I don't have to care about this one either. {Seriously, this chick was on Wild'n Out Season 4 [before the reboot O_O]}

Fourth, Jake Barker. A Dez Duron type of performer of sports turned music enthusiast (He's an inspiration  y'all.) He auditions with "When I Was Your Man" by Bruno Mars. The thing is he's decent with his lower registers but sounds like a nervous chipmunk when hitting high notes. Then all but Blake turn for him. Uh, Delvin Choice Award for More Chairs than Deserved of the night? Totally. After the coaches were playing tone deaf thinking he was good, he ended up picking Usher as his coach.

Then, Tess Boyer [Usher], Josh Murley [Adam], Austin Ellis [Adam] and Cali Tucker, Tanya Tucker's niece [!] [Blake] all get montaged. May the Amber Nicole spirit be with you.

Fifth, Luke Cooper. A former band member turned former addict turned Dad with Dreams. Cool points for working in a Christius Hospital. That's noble. He auditions with "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons. This isn't the Song Choice, otherwise I'd be in charge of turning him away. The song ended up eating him alive as none of the coaches turned for him. Dear coaches, do not pretend you like any singer you didn't turn for. Helpful advice is one thing, but don't pretend you were "so close" to turn. He ended up a reject for S6.

Sixth, Ria Eaton. A Jacqui Sandell type of dancer turned singer. Her hair accessory is giving Mathai Live show realness. She auditions with "Cups (When I'm Gone)" by Anna Kendrick. The Pitch Perfect theme song? Ew; at some points she sounded like a baby E.G. Daily but without the talent. Shakira and Blake end up turning at the last second. I have no idea why. This chick's "rasp" is seriously underdeveloped. Coach banter aside [and Adam doing DERP clapping like a seal from Sea World on a sugar rush] she ends up picking Blake as her coach. Team Blake = Like I care : )

Seventh, Cierra Mickens. A girl who after political science/criminal justice studies ended up realizing singing is right for her. She auditions with "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. Her singing was glorious as hell. The arrangement and vocals made the song look like a 70s Disco classic. Shakira, Blake and Usher end up turning for her (Adam, you are a moron.) After some banter involving "penalties" (Blake; you sound prettier with the mute button. ZIP IT and accept Usher turned around too.) she ends up picking Shakira as her coach. HOORAY! Someone I can care about!

Eighth, Tyler Montgomery. His name excreted country bait, but his beef is sounding like a chick (If he knew how many male singers in the industry sounded girly, he'd drop that beef really quick.) He auditions with "I Wish" by Stevie Wonder. His singing to say the least is...interesting. His tone was OK but his breath kept screwing with him so much. The coaches realize this and don't turn. Then came the "WHOA; You have a penis!" schpiel before the critique he needed. He ended up a reject of S6.

Ninth, the duo of Alaska & Madi who won the same competition type Blake did years ago. They pledge that if no chairs turn, they break up and go on different life paths. They audition with "Barton Hollow" by the Civil Wars. Mr. and Mr. Shevine turn their chairs for them and once "Tulsa, Oklahoma" was emitted, Adam was waiting for Blake's name to tiger-fuck him (Usually, it's without the name. The "Shevine" jokes will never die.) They end up picking Blake as their coach. Don't cry over them, Adam. They're mediocre at best.

Tenth, Ddendyl. I will tell you what I wanted to tell ALyX from S2...get a better goddamn stage name! She auditions with "Stand by Me". She sounded like a weird fusion of Norah Jones and Regina Spektor. Shaki ended up being the only person to turn for her and I was surprised she was the one to do so. I thought she'd be a one chair Adam turn but whatever. She needs a new stage name. Also, she could stand to be a little stronger in delivery.

Then a reject montage...better luck next time. NEXT!

Finally, the voice-over 4 chair turn of amazing proportions* [*may be legal puffery] Josh Kaufman. He auditions with "One More Try" by George Michael. This is Cody Belew's song. Back up, wannabe Socrates. After the coaches act like this dude was like...Jesus or something, tell him each of their "Calvin & Florence" ["Sweet Nothing"] he ends up picking Adam as his coach.

All in all, this season could be more interesting than S4 and S5 in terms of contestant types this time around. Whether or not they make it past the Battle Rounds is something to behold.

Up next for scrutiny, Part VI of the Blind Auditions.

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