Tuesday, November 24, 2015

The Voice S9: And Let Us Pray...

...for 1 of the 7 "shelf" souls from last night for a safe flight back to where the fuck they come from. Yes, it's results night for the Top 11 of the NBC Program with Ratings.

Last night went over as expected where 7 people got more time than they deserve over the 3 good souls and 1 sparing out of sex appeal and pity (If not Jeffery Austin AKA "Ginger Sam Smith" who else of the contestants has sex appeal? EXACTLY). It's time to find out how The Voice Voting Electorate (AKA The Dunce Tank) voted and how many of the "spared" actually get to stay.

Team Adam: "Vanilla Intract" was saved first [iTunes place @ #4...BOOOOOOOO]; "Aw-hell Adkins" was saved 4th; Shelby Brown was saved 9th and all of Team Adam moved on.

Team Pharrell: Madi Davis was saved 5th; THANK GOD;

Team Gwen/4th Place: "Chris Colf-slaw" was saved second overall; -_-; Jeffery Austin was saved 7th;

Team Blake: "Viva Laughlin" was saved 3rd; "Miranda BLAND-bert" was saved 6th; "Chicken Fried Chicken" was saved 8th and all of that Mason-Dixon shit moved on.

I should've smelled trouble when after 6 saves, only Madi was declared safe. Thankfully, the electorate weren't TOTALLY stupid, but I'll save them for their reading session later...

The Bottom 2: Evan McKeel and "Z-UGH-eey Deschanel". Trouble was brewing again when Evan went first which in "Voice Save" land is code for "plane ticket home". O_O "Z-UGH-eey" was terrible as always.

East Coast Twitter Saved: "Z-UGH-eey Deschanel". I HATE YOU ALL AND I DEMAND CRACKED TEMPLES ON YOU ALL.


Well, yet again a favorite of mine is out while lessers and AIN'T SHIT people are still in the competition. Evan may have been another white guy trying to sing soul, but at least he showed more vocal promise and talent than hacks like "Aw-hell Adkins", all of Team Blake and that goddamn fake quirky HACK known as "mini-me Gwen".

ALL of The Voice Voting Electorate need a seasoned ass-whooping by not only me in spirit, but the spirits of the good contestants you've let fall to the wayside because you're willing to buy or support talentless wastes of DNA for reasons including but not limited to:

- Team Blake blind loyalty

- One contestant of Team Blake in particular has a plane crash sob story but the inability to reach artistic altitudes [Barrett]

- One contestant is considered "different" by Kentucky standards only. [Jordan]

- One contestant is so beige, her birth certificate is actually a sample of Georgia-Pacific drywall [Amy]

- One contestant is the size of a keychain with MEGA sized levels of suck [Braiden]

and one contestant has the most GRATING attempted schtick of "quirkiness" I've ever seen on TELEVISION. Yes, in one season there's a contestant I hate just as much as Juliet Simms, Cassadee Pope, Judith Hill, Tessanne Chin, Christina Grimmie, Ryan Sill, Sugar Joans, Nic Hawk, Team Adam S7 live playoffs onward contestants, The Swon Brothers, Danielle Bradbery, Sawyer Fredericks and Ellie Lawrence combined [just to name a "few"]...

Korin "Melanie Martinez Wannabe" Bukowski. How she managed to get through the Blind Auditions is a bigger mystery than the heads of Easter Island. She's the embodiment of a poser who pretends to be "so quirky" when really she exudes unpleasantness like it's her blood type.
Never in my days of watching the show have I ever loathed a contestant this much for not just her terrible pitch, enunciation, stage presence, etc. Her "I'm so quirky and different but sad" schtick is so fucking fabricated and a half. Hell, Gwen's trying the fairy Godmother role by dyeing her hair blonde and pretending like a makeover will improve the fact her singing sucks and that she has no personality of her own.

To her fanbase on Twitter: just stop. Your taste level indicates tattered tericloth instead of warm wool blanket or Egyptian cotton. You all have Helen Keller's ear for music; you are worse than the Jagged Little Sills from S7. I hate you for falling for fake quirk and I am through.

Read and recap next week!

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