Monday, November 23, 2015

The Voice S9: Let Us Give Thanks...

...for the fact that READING IS FUNDAMENTAL. By that I mean, the time-honored tradition of elevated, artistic and lethally creative shit-talking. Cyrano de Bergerac realness, bitch. Or in a modern context, channeling music industry legend [give or take her last 3 albums, performance at the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas Tree lighting and publicity stunt known as #1 to Infinity] and the shadiest pop diva in history, Mariah Carey.

Yes, I have grown tired and pissed at the fact that the NBC Program with Ratings is telegraphing the Glee Project looking no-talent existence of Jordan Smith as the winner of S9. Also, I'm tired of seeing contestants I like fall to the wayside for other talentless and sob-story ridden hacks like Korin Bukowski and Barrett Baber "respectively". (Those not mentioned? I'll save them for later...)

Instead of my traditional recaps, I shall instead dedicate this week to reading 7 of these 11 contestants page to page, period to period, etc. while giving thoughtful critiques as to the contestants left that I deem good. [Jeffery Austin shall be spared as well, but he isn't a favorite.] It's open season up in this bitch...YAAAAAAAAAAS

Let's play rough and BLAST OFF!

The Shelf (the section where the READ contestants go)

Amy Vachal AKA "Vanilla Intract" (As extracting anything from her is more Herculean than his 12 Labors.) 5th of the night, Vanilla Intract was slated to sing "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift. Way to make me feel bad for her, VI. Her performance was a step in the right direction as she was actually able to keep her eyes open for at least a picosecond. Other than that, the folksy/storytime/cafe arrangement highlighted her inability to emote anything except complacency when not outright being terrible as a vocalist.

Jordan Smith AKA "The Glee Project" BKA "Aw-hell Adkins"- 9th of the night...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself here. He ended up singing "Who You Are" by Jessie J in the name of trying to breathe life into her catalog...also some self-confidence anthem realness in life thing. His singing once again reveals the hype machine can skip some oil changes as this dude is TERRIBLE. Not a successful belt; not a resonant note; so much strain in his vocals, I swore they were training for a marathon. BYE FELICIA, I don't see it for you.

Korin Bukowski AKA "Z-UGH-eey Deschanel"- 4th of the night and she performed "Only Hope" by Mandy Moore. HUNNY; nothing says "contemporary taste" like a song by a failed pop-tart that couldn't beat Jessica Simpson in 1999. As for Z-UGH-eey's singing? Well, I'd award her 3rd place in a school pageant or talent show. Still, her highest note sounded forced, underdeveloped and she head the nervous system of a leaf whilst performing.

Barrett Baber AKA "Chicken Fried Chicken" (Due to the fact his country ass is redundant and unoriginal)- 3rd of the night, CFC here sang some Tanya Tucker song while looking like the uncle of American Idol footnote, Scotty McCreary [sp...oh wait; country. DON'T. CARE.] In a nice way, I'll say this; his vocals were so nasal, Zyrtec, Nasonex, Allegra and Claritin want a piece of him in court.

Emily Ann Roberts AKA "Miranda BLAND-bert"- 10th of the night. It's country so WHO CARES, right? It was a song by the Judds, country sounding...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Zach Seabaugh AKA "Viva Laughlin" (I'm no Elvis fan by any stretch, but the comparisons of Zach to Elvis is like comparing a Daewoo to a 50s Chevrolet Corvette; foolish, unneeded and sad.) 6th of the night, all this performance was revolving around was the allegation that he has "heartthrob" does cardiac arrhythmia, bitch. He sang some tubid country song I didn't care about during, after or before tonight. His singing was dated by 15 years and the staging? GURL, I didn't know the Mayo Clinic MRI section and NuvaRing had a partnership for those lights on the damn stage.

Braiden Sunshine AKA "Anything But His Real Name" BKA "Chris Colf-slaw"- 8th of the night; he ended up singing "True" by Spandau Ballet. What added to the fail of this was the brief of relating this to a Michael Buble performance...GWEN; just stop and accept 4th place now. His singing while not terrible per usual was still more than able to swallow him save a note that if not held out for 4.6 seconds would've been bearable. Alas, the keychain sized singer kind of tanked thanks to Gwen...and his limited abilities.

The Spared

Madi Davis (favorite)- 7th of the night; "Love is Blindness" by U2 was given to her. -___________- WHY must you poison us with a bad U2 song Pharrell? Can't you have taste and have her make "Vertigo" go from mediocre to "chic" and tasteful? DAMN. Her performance was great vocally but the staging people need to stop dropping acid before the show. A red piano is pushing it but fanned out fabric in the background is stupid as fuck and was distracting from her singing.

Evan McKeel (favorite)- he was second of the night; -_- "Smile" by (Standard written by Charlie Chaplin)...oh GODDAMNIT on this song choice. UGH; His performance started off acapella [and easily cleared that HRFH AKA Judith Hill low bar] and then went into something close to ethereal and dreamy. This could be a cheap ploy for votes, however he does possess vocal talent.

Shelby Brown (favorite)- she performed first of the night; goddamn you Adam and/or producers. "You and I" by Lady Gaga was her song and I LIVE for this song choice. Her performance seemed a bit lacking in staging choices, but at least she was given a clear pop direction. Her singing was a bit questionable ["Nebraska" turned into "nebrakkah" AND she changed a lyric to "Alabama" instead of "Nebraska". STICK TO THE SCRIPT DAMNIT.] but she managed to serve consistency to many degrees.

Jeffery Austin (Gwen's chance in hell at not 4th place)- CLOSING OUT THE SHOW LIKE A KWEEN REALNESS, BITCH. Does the show actually want an underdog this season? Tell him to ditch the the Sam Smith vibes and I could be on board. He's assigned or probably chooses "Dancing On My Own" by Robyn and YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS bitch; YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS on song choice. 10s, bitch; 10s! Granted the arrangement was a better Sam Smith type of vibe I HATE how it wasn't the actual arrangement. His singing did get into deep and weird places but his overall vibe showed great growth. Even with the GIANT BLUE DISCO BALLS in the background he showed great depth. Still not a favorite, but he could be...if people vote for him.

All in all, let's just prep for tomorrow night's single elimination and hope the few good contestants left advance over the others. Read them tomorrow!

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