Monday, November 30, 2015

The Voice S9: Tens and CHOPS

The NBC Program with Ratings may have ten contestants left, but in reality 2 maybe 3 contestants are getting "10s" or credit while the rest of them are getting "CHOPS" like Bermuda and Vidalia onions.

Due to the forecast of me hating Season 9's outcome, I shall provide stratus cloud overcast/elm forest at night levels of shade and public library levels of reading for the rest of the season. The "spared" contestants are Madi Davis & Shelby Brown due to being the only 2 talented contestants left and Jeffery Austin because he's pretty and due to the fact he's Gwen's only chance in hell at not being 3rd or 4th place (Not to mention he's not getting rid of the Sam Smith vibes due to societal conditions/lies that Sam is a good singer.)

As for the rest of the field? Time to go lawn mower and CHOP them down to size; time to be like nerds in a school library and read them page to page before putting them back on the shelf; time to clock them like Omega in the Olympic Games...

Let's play rough and get it on!

The "shelf"

"Aw-hell Adkins"- 7th of the night, this song selection of "Hallelujah" as known by Jeff Buckley really does exemplify his very presence; overrated and in need of a serious departure. The staging was at one point bland blue lighting and Mayan Pyramid realness. Make it seem like that 2012 scare and vanquish him now! I am forever friends with the mute button and also wondering about the random shadow choir people in front of him when singing ("Perhaps montaged contestants of The Voice past?" Bitch, they might be.)

"Vanilla Intract"- 6th of the night; she ended up with "Bye Bye Bye" by N*SYNC. -_______- FELICIA; get the fuck on out. At one point Adam wanted the intent of this to be "bluesy and cool". GURL, get the fuck on out. The performance was just like the weird tree design she was singing in; dead and stiff.

"Chris Colf-slaw"- 3rd of the night; he ended up with "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons. I have a question for Gwen; do you translate "critique" as "haircut"/"makeover" in your distorted mind? You could shave the liner notes of No Doubt's last album into his hair but it won't hide the fact that 1. his hair looked like a Jewish cockatoo and 2. that's not critique and that song swallowed his struggle vocals like food in the mouth of the hungry (And don't get me started on the fact his styling this week made me think "Jack Osbourne has a long lost son?")

"Z-UGH-eey Deschanel"- 5th of the night; she ended up with "Same Old Love" by Selena Gomez. "Z-UGH-eey" ended up doing the Same Old SHIT. Gwen is on a Don Quixote/Man of La Mancha style quest of impossible goal in trying to instill a sincere personality in "Z-UGH-eey". The stage, outfit, whole damn environment was red but her singing as expected was bleak and full of disappointment.

"Viva Laughlin"- 8th of the night; he ended up with "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen. I AM NO Queen stan or fan even by ANY stretch but I wanted Freddie Mercury to rise from the grave and bitchslap him to kingdom come. The performance ended up being one of the tackiest and poorly executed since Nic Hawk of S5.

"Chicken Fried Chicken"- Closing out the night; he ended up singing "I’d Just Love to Lay You Down" by Conway Twitty. -_- CONWAY TWITTY? BITCH he wasn't even mainstream popular outside of maybe May of 1973. YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF LIFE with such niche fuckery. Like a commercial for allergy medication airing in Arkansas, his vocals were nasal and Southern.

"Miranda BLAND-bert"- 2nd of the night; here's a Johnny Carson style riddle for you..."stiff, white and country; name 3 comparisons between this contestant's vocals, a dog's favorite bone tree and country, creamy gravy." Yeah, she sang "She's Got You" by Patsy Cline.

The "spared"

- Madi Davis- 9th of the night; she ended up singing "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper. I'll allow this. The "stripped down" version plays into her aesthetic but this is starting to become problematic; is she really diverse/versatile? I hoped so until the Kenny G realness kicked in. Then, her magical voice showed "Vanilla Intract" how to "cafe" a song but make it FIERCE.

- Shelby Brown- 4th of the night; she sang "Go Rest High on that Mountain" by Vince Gill in the memory of her grandfather (Which had wonderful meaning but got lost in some giraffe related fuckery.) Cheap tactic of playing into the "we've all lost someone" trope aside, there was a bit of Holly Tucker from S4 flashback realness in this performance. Theatrics are her friend here and despite the song choice being a touch monotonous, there was something rather pleasing about this.

- Jeffery Austin- 1st of the night and HOLY FUCK, REALLY? The first spot? UGH, fuck you all; he ended up singing "Jealous" by Labrinth. DEAR GOD did the Sam Smith vibes come through again. Not even the subtle theatrics could cover up the fact that Jeffery was being set up by Gwen and/or co. Well, at least he had his swan song last week...

That's all the patience I had for this episode. Read with me tomorrow at the results. See you then!

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