Monday, October 14, 2013

The Voice U.S. S5 Recap: Serving Antietam Realness

Some intellect must be conveyed for someone who uses this blog to recap a televised singing competition that's worth a damn. Tonight marked Round 1 of the Battle Rounds of The Voice and these are the nouns, pronouns and marklar that commenced. Keep in mind, some contestants can be saved from premature finishes (From a certain line of Durex brand condoms sold mainly in Europe) on the show.

Let's play rough and get it on!

The first duo serving Antietam realness through song was Grey and Nic Hawk from Team Adam. My hope was that Nic either improve or Grey wipe the floor with him. They performed "Domino" by Jessie J. Nic did call himself a "Jessie J" type of singer, so that alone gave him a slight edge. Grey actually performed with this song with her wedding band so that's edge in her favor. Both are surprisingly even, but I was hoping Grey would end up more vibrant than Nic. Nic's persona took over and Grey was actually singing (Funny how singing is supposed to be done on The Voice). Adam ends up picking Grey to stay and I agree. Persona is one thing, but Nic still cannot sing as of yet. May I suggest watching Cody Belew's performances? Then, Blake screws everything up by stealing Nic. Ugh, I understand to some degree, this whole "stage presence" crap, but it has to apply where needed. Nic is not that good enough to steal. It isn't MrSwearword V.S. Everyone for nothing.

Second, Amber Nicole and Timyra-Joi of Team X-Tina. Amber came in fodder and Timyra was the youngun who got 3 chairs. They were given "Listen" by Beyonce from the Dreamgirls soundtrack. Amber seemed to have the edge in rehearsals but I was afraid Timyra would be given the victory because of her "youngun" stature. The end result was one of the more evenly matched, but I was still hoping Amber would win; if not, at the very least get a steal. X-Tina ended up picking Amber to win. I knew she would from her rehearsals. Timyra-Joi ended up not being stolen, but for a 15 year old she was one of the best youngun contestants to be on the show. Still, Amber prevailed and I was happy. Also worth mentioning, Amber evolved from montage victim to potential front runner.

Third, Justin Chain V.S. Shelbie Z. from Team Blake. Despite the country bait, I actually had Shelbie in mind to win. They were given "Don't You Wanna Stay" by Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson. Cher's presence is enough to make Shelbie Z. choke up at first until she proved she could wipe the floor with Justin. Worth noting? Cher's wig did improve from her S4 finale follicle fiasco (Alliteration provides the ground for shade). Admittedly, for "Bama Country Bait", Justin is sexy...but Shelbie in my view would proceed to smoke his ass like brisket (I know of good country stuff. Ain't nothing wrong with brisket.) Blake ends up picking Shelbie Z. to win. Justin does not get saved with the steal and heads home. Oh well, Shelbie's projection spelled your fate.

Fourth, Anthony Paul V.S. Caroline Pannell from Team Cee-Lo. I had Caroline in mind to win as Anthony seemed really underdeveloped. They were given "As Long As You Love Me" by He Who Inspired Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber (What did they do, Cee-Lo?) Miguel and Cee-Lo seemed to favor Caroline early on and Anthony seemed to improve in auditions. Given their youth, this ended up being a touch more evenly matched than I would've expected. During the battle, Anthony seemed too pitchy in the beginning and Caroline's sweet tones seemed to seal everything before the verdict was delivered. Cee-Lo ends up picking Caroline to win. Anthony gets saved by X-Tina; she cited surprising versatility for a youngun. I can actually live with this decision. Though, Anthony may get screwed in the Knockout rounds. Just throwing that out there (Knowing goddamn well it will be fetched, honey.)

Fifth, Donna Allen and HRFH -2.0...err Tessanne Chin from Team Adam. I was hoping Donna and her hair would whip Tessanne's ass out of here. They were given "Next To Me" by Emeli Sande. Donna's volume is considered too mighty for Tessanne to compete with. However, Donna's might was also ruled as potential hubris as it was considered "too much" at one point. I honestly get a touch upset whenever someone who can actually sing is told to "pull back". So what if they can shatter the roof with every note? Ugh, moving on. The battle commences and much like the others tonight, this ends up evenly matched in the eyes of the coaches and audience. Adam ends up picking Tessanne to win. Dammit, I knew there was something HRFH about her. An overrated backup singer that advances over a more deserving contestant? Yup, Tessanne is HRFH -2.0. Even worse, Donna is not stolen for anybody else's team. What a complete load. Donna was leagues better than her and I cannot understand what Adam was thinking.

Finally, Briana Cuoco V.S. Jacquie Lee from Team X-Tina. I went in thinking Briana should win. They were given "House of The Rising Sun" by the Animals. Personally, I never got the appeal of the song they were given. It's been done on the show many times before, but I can't get into the song. Jacquie sounds improved graded against herself. Briana proved that she can actually sing and rather cleanly given her shaky rendition of "You and I" by Lady Gaga in the Blind Auditions. The battle is pimped as the most epic of the night. Again, this is supposed to be even and personally I heard more pleasing notes from Briana the whole way through. X-Tina ends up picking Jacquie to win. Damn...then Briana is offered a team spot from Cee-Lo and Blake. She ends up picking Blake as her new coach. Thank God steals in the Knockouts are in this season Lyndsey Parker of Yahoo Music's Reality Rocks reminded, Blake has never kept a steal.

All in all, Antietam level blood was shed and apart from Donna getting screwed, it was worth seeing Amber Nicole's profile get raised.

Next up for scrutiny, the Battle rounds part 2.

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