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Years had passed since the last of the crew and spawn had passed away. Some from natural causes; David & Madler along with McRay & Charlie had lived out the remainders of their lives in a peace neither union thought possible for them. Dolly would pass on from a lengthy life of advising Michelle and Jamie on how not to fuck things up like she had.
For some, death had been achieved rather gruesomely. Blyvy had a nervous breakdown after her dojo had been set ablaze by common ne’er-do-wells. After tracking down the arsonists, Blyvy finished them off. However, the amount of blood she lost was more than enough to end her own life. The worst of her mother’s genetic makeup had done her in.
Their children, Michelle, Jamie and Goldie, led rather subdued lives and faded into the obscurity both had sought. Yet a foolish act had begat a new generation to genetic damnation.
Before their passing, the surviving men had left an instruction set for Michelle, Jamie and Goldie to complete. They were to take the collected DNA of the original crew to a ditch and set it ablaze. Before the last four vials could be incinerated, Michelle advised the rest to merely bury what had remained. They complied, not knowing what stupid shit they had pulled in that split second of slothfulness.
The four vials were then placed in a cigar box. As if that hadn’t sealed their ignorance, they shoddily buried the evidence. Only five minutes after their departure, an unknowing catalyst to the pending doom had played out the rest of the plan. A Haitian/Persian woman named Maryam, had dug up the box and took it to the nearest fertility clinic in Balboa Perla. The clinic staff had merely done their part. By restoring the vitality of the sperm, they traced the lineage and discovered what wrong they had wrought.
One man present that day present said, “We can only ask God to make our deaths light for this sin.” Years later, the results of a preventable lapse of judgment was about to be seen by the world.
Four troubled people from an intended preventative birthing had emerged from Balboa Perla ready to kill. The figure head like his father and grandfather was an action friendly and intellectual nightmare by the name of Lorenzo. The second in command like her father and grandfather was a subtle in action but not with words lass named Meaghan. The third of these doomed genetic clusterfucks as all predecessors before is known as Sawyer.
The most troubled of these children; a woman even worse off than Catya and Blyvy combined was the sweet sounding but hell raising Christie.
Each of them had known of their troubled lineage and devised a way to justify their existence. Learning of the onslaught committed by their parents, they had intended to start off as a restoration firm dedicated to provide resources to those affected by their parents’ actions.
“So we agree over this restoration firm plan?” Meaghan asked.
“It sounds good to me.” Lorenzo replied.
“Very well, then. Sawyer, find people willing to help us out.” she instructed.
“I’ll make sure to sell the ‘It increases your odds of avoiding hell’ point.” he replied.
“Make sure those fuckers have limited social media access.” Christie added.
“Good point; make sure to add ‘Twitter only; Facebook equals death’.” she said to Sawyer.
An hour or so later, Sawyer had informed the rest of his recruiting success. He was instructed to then escort the volunteers to the Balboa Perla Epicenter Square. Activity had grown subdued thirty minutes into their duties. Christie noticed the final plot development for their turn
at a life of chaotic refuge. She had seen half of the users posting photos of their activity on Instagram on non-recreational hours. Her rage had consumed her last nerve as she looked to Lorenzo and Sawyer to assist her. “Not now, Christie.” Sawyer began. “Yes, they’re being a bunch of procrastinating fuckwads, but now would only make us look barbaric.” Lorenzo added, “Besides...this charity thing has hot guys left and right emerging from the woodworks.” “I’ll give them two minutes to repent.” Christie said. “If I see them fucking around with Instagram after that, make sure I don’t get too much blood on my blouse.”
Less than a minute later, a fatal vintage filter photo with Christie in the background sealed the plot once and for all. “No one uses pretentious filters on me!” and she pounced on her prey. Savage acts of ripping the jugular of the prey and force-feeding litter would be the lightest things seen that day. Those foolish enough to pry Christie off were met with a “Santeria Fanta”. This move had Christie tearing flesh off with her teeth and spitting the blood in her next victim’s mouth. Each lollygagging volunteer would soon end up being mentioned in the past tense. All 50 of them to be exact.
“Well that didn’t work.” Sawyer dejectedly pointed out.
Knowing no other option would be viable they had decided to flee from Balboa Perla that very day. Having stored Christie away successfully, the quad had slipped through from Balboa Perla and began their adventure to the unknown.
“Nice going you fucking psychopath.” Meaghan said.
“Oh so it’s my fault that I hated volunteers using Instagram during work hours?” Christie retorted.
“Nobody said for you to pull that shit off.” Meaghan fired back.
“Fuck off, you pretentious little twat.” Christie replied.
Meaghan dropped the bag carrying Christie on a bed of rocks. “Ow, you bitch!” she said. “Remember who has the bag and who’s in it; now shut the fuck up while we figure out where to venture to next.” Meaghan retorted. “Fine.” Christie began. “I’ll just read about the scandal in Balboa Perla again.”
“How the fuck do you have your hands free?” Meaghan queried.
“Lorenzo can’t tie knots for shit.” Christie said.
“Goddamnit, Lorenzo...” Meaghan started. “I give you one thing to do and you fuck that up.” “Well you can blame a guy passing by that he wanted to suck off as well.” Christie added. “Technically you know I’m a horndog, Meaghan.” Lorenzo said.
After sneering at him, Sawyer wondered, “Just where the fuck are we going? I don’t need a goddamn luxury mansion, but are we going to stop soon?” “Look; there’s a randomly placed house big enough for all of us.” Lorenzo noticed. “What kind of dickhead created that plot point?” Christie asked. “Who gives a shit?” Meaghan said. “Besides, we need a place to stay anyway.” She had freed Christie from the bag they stored her in and settled in.
As they examined the house, they grew suspicious as to how they could feel so eased in this particular household. “This house isn’t haunted.” Lorenzo stated. “There’s no occupants other than ourselves.” Sawyer added. “Nobody stored in the basement to frame us in a set-up.” Christie said. “Meaghan? What’ve you noticed?” “Meaghan? Tell us where you are.” Sawyer said.
“I’m in front of a mirror...and being stared at by people who look like us.” she said.
“Alternate universe fuckers?” Lorenzo queried.
“No, that plot point would be fucking stupid to add.” she retorted.
“Good point, bitch. We’re coming up the stairs to find you.” Christie said. They found
Meaghan in a bedroom where she was being stared at by the eight people that looked like them all. As the rest looked at the mirror, Lorenzo clued in everyone else for a change. “Sawyer? What color are your eyes?” He replied, “Arabica Brown and Gunmetal Gray”. “I see two guys in that mirror with your eye color.” Lorenzo added. “Guys, these are our parents and grandparents.”
Catya’s spirit spoke from the mirror. “Finally, you get around to addressing the goddamn elephant in the room.”
“Forgive us for not being familiarized with spirits of the dead with nerve.” Meaghan retorted. “You’re even lippier than your goddamn mother.” Catya added. “Oh fuck off and tell us why these seemingly paint by numbers bullshit led us here.” Sawyer insisted. “Fine...Dolly!” Catya began. “Tell them what’s going on. I’m going to spook somebody in Hollywood.” “You have to stay for this one, so shut the fuck up.” Dolly replied. “Goddamnit!” Catya murmured.
Dolly explained that as far as she knew, there were no other scores to be had from either the crew or the spawn. As she had interrogated Meaghan on what they had been trying to do, it had become clear to the crew and spawn as to what the quad needed to do.
“You simply need to embrace the fact you are all sick pieces of shit.” Dolly said.
“Why do we need to ‘embrace’ a lineage of people who killed thousands of innocent people?” Sawyer queried.
McRay replied, “Not all of them were innocent; some were Glee cast members, one was Ryan Gosling...” to which Charlie added, “...yeah really sick fucks like LMFAO, Nicki Minaj...” “My turn!” Madler said. “We also killed off Cassadee Pope and Iggy Azalea.”
Lorenzo said, “You had me at Glee people being killed. How do we embrace our destiny, then?” “Fucking sellout.” Meaghan snided. “Cool it, lippy bitch!” Dolly said. “I hated this too, but believe me it will have its place in your life.” Meaghan doubted her but complied to listen.
Charlie and Madler went on to explain that in the quad’s world, entertainment had grown much worse. To stack the deck against them the LMFAO Horde Phone, the most crucial tool they had used, was destroyed before the crew and spawn had passed. They had not anticipated a “four vial fuckup” courtesy of Michelle, Jamie and Goldie. After regaling them of the cards stacked against them, Sawyer realized who they could aspire to vanquish.
“Say...” he began. “...there’s this awful contestant on The Voice right now.”
“Which one would that be?” Meaghan queried.
“Is it that country singer from Team Blake who looks like a fucking Kewpie Doll?” Christie violently posed. “No, but she’s awful too.” Sawyer responded. “The other terrible one.”
“Is it that screechy bitch who fucked up ‘One of Us’ in the Blind Auditions from Team Adam?” Lorenzo asked. “Right team but she’s the other terrible one.” Sawyer replied.
“Oh!” Meaghan began. “The terrible former Michael Jackson backup singer who looks like Tokyo Rose got fucked by Tiger Woods.” “And has hair that looks like Princess Leia and Sanjaya lost a fight with a lawn mower.” Christie added. “Guys...” Lorenzo began. “You’re leaving out her worst quality. The inability to project her voice while singing.”
After shivering from that grim reminder, they were met with shocked reactions from the crew and spawn. “Holy shit!” Blyvy began. “You guys are worse than even us! You’ll do fine, but goddamn...that shit talking almost made Dolly catatonic.” “I’m proud of you sick little floppy dolphin fuck-puppets!” Catya said. “Now stop staring back at us and get to vanquishing some things you hate!” The apparitions had dissipated from their eyes and rested for the night.
Meaghan couldn’t shake the uneasiness of feeling like she was without principals. “Yes those were the people responsible for their existence...well outside of that woman from the desert.” she thought. “Yet, I don’t know who to hate more for this. Lorenzo for selling us out...
or myself for not doing shit to prevent it...goddamn this is too deep for U.S. literature.” The next morning, the quad had assembled to discuss their plans. They had confirmed to vanquish their most loathed polyp of the entertainment circuit. All that was needed was a foolproof way of pulling it off.
“We don’t know how, but the bitch must die!” Lorenzo stated. “Any clues on how to proceed?” “Good old fashioned Viking style ransacking never hurt those Vikings.” Christie said. “I like the approach, but less psychotic intent.” Lorenzo replied. Sawyer added, “We merely want her dead. We don’t want to give that bitch any macabre luxury of thinking she was worthy enough for murder.” “Agreed.” Christie said. “We could simply assassinate the bitch.” Meaghan suggested. “No, that would be a luxury for the likes of her anyway.” Lorenzo retorted. “I got it! I can be flippant and act like Christie had a good idea the first time!” “I actually like that.” Christie said.
“Now that we have that taken care of, what the fuck about transport?” Sawyer asked. “We could just carjack a SUV.” Lorenzo propositioned. “We might be monsters, but even I’m concerned about the gas in a fucking SUV.” Meaghan replied. “Besides, we need an all-terrain vehicle that isn’t ugly or tacky.” Sawyer added. “That’s been taken care of...” Christie began. “Let me handle this ‘sale’ I arranged while you were blabbering on about general transport.” “It was only two minutes of us talking, you maniac.” Sawyer replied.
Christie had arranged a meeting outside the house with an owner of a dune buggy he no longer had interest for. “I’ll gladly take this off your hands. Remind me, why are you getting rid of this fine machine.” He replied, “There’s no way to get the smell of honey and ketchup out. That and I had no use for that many weapon compartments.” After being given the keys, the seller simply sauntered off from the house. “I thought I was going to have to kill him to prevent
payment, but this works too.” Christie began. “Oh well, fuckers. Here’s our ride. Let’s get our stuff and hit the road.” “Wait...” Lorenzo began. “Did he say it smelled like honey and ketchup?” She replied, “Yeah, what’s your point...” before realizing her sale was only adding to their pending damnation. “So in two minutes, you arranged a sale to get the dune buggy our parents and grandparents used for their slaughters?” Lorenzo began. “I thought nothing of it!” Christie said. “I just wanted a nice metallic cornflower blue dune buggy built to handle bloodlust and that was a perfect match.” “Well, if we’re going to hell at least we have a vehicle that could handle the landscape.” Sawyer said.
After assessing what they had, they left the house but not before setting it ablaze. They found that traveling through this landscape would prove to be treacherous. Almost every town had people running in fear from their existence. “Relax everyone. We come in peace unless you fuck with us.” Meaghan reassured. Hours of travel and having to convince gas station owners of their malice being directed to someone else, had finally come to a head.
They had reached a city with a history against the crew and spawn; Salieri Heights. As soon as they parked in front of a local eatery, tension rose from the eye contact the owner had with Lorenzo in particular. He said to them, “You look an awful lot like a group of sick bastards who loved to kill.” “We just need food and then we’re out of this city.” Sawyer said. The owner said, “You and your boyfriend sure do look like two fellas that raised hell here years ago.” “We’re not dating.” Lorenzo began. “Yeah, we’re both gay but we’re not into each other.” ‘That and I have standards.” Sawyer quipped. “That type of snippy comeback only confirms it...” the owner began. “...my pappy always said to have a weapon on me just in case you fuckers come around.” As he reached for his sword, he noticed it was missing. He looked around; as did the locals and the quad who noticed Christie was missing. “Oh no...” Meaghan said.
As the owner looked up, Christie pounced and shoved the sword through his skull. The locals were terrified and rendered speechless at the act committed. She affected her voice to sound like Catya’s and had the crowd soiling themselves. “Unless you want to be next, let us eat and fuck off!” The locals there had complied out of fear of a fulfilled promise.
The quad left the restaurant with only the blood of its owner on their hands. “This is going to be a fucked up journey.” Sawyer said. “That’s what’ll make it exciting and fun you goddamn troglodyte.” Christie replied. As they reached the Salieri Heights city limits, an opponent emerged demanding they entertain him. “You deal with him, Meaghan.” Lorenzo said. “It’d take too much effort from me to kill him.” “Yeah, you’d be best to deal with him.” Sawyer added. “Don’t even think about having me waste energy on him.” Christie demanded.
Meaghan reluctantly faced him and merely asked of his name. His last words would be, “Well pretty thing, my name’s Jake and I like to beat people up.” She then proceeded to tear his arm off and force feed to him. The blood loss and visual of a torn arm fist first in a man’s throat said everything it needed to. “Wow you show off.” Sawyer quipped. “You could’ve just cracked his neck, but no...flair for the dramatics superseded everything.” “Funny, considering you were too lazy to do it yourself.” she fired back.
As they continued on past Salieri Heights, they were met with a mystical presence. “Stop where you are, children of a preventable damnation!” he shouted. They stopped to see who he was. “Alright fucker, who are you?” Meaghan asked. “I am Ramdao; Keeper of the gateway and Grandmaster of the Pegasus.” he said. “Oh; you’re the one with the dead chicken and the freaky rainbow door thing.” Lorenzo replied. “I see McRay’s lineage has still failed in terms of eloquence and dignity.” Ramdao said. “This coming from a guy who looks like a Coachella festival attendee got his ass kicked by a kindergarten class.” Christie said. “You must be Catya’s
granddaughter. Small in stature but big in bitch factor.” he retorted. “Your point?” Christie snapped back. Ramdao explained that after receiving a message from the crew and spawn of their existence, they insisted on him guiding them on the journey. “Alright then.” Meaghan said. “Just tell us where we can find this bitch so we can finish her off.” Ramdao complied and began to direct them towards their goal.
The process to get there would have to be as treacherous and mundane as their predecessors. They found this out in the next stop they would make; the city of Nueva Puta. This town played a crucial role against the crew and spawn’s last main adversaries. However, by the time the quad had arrived, the denizen had realized the deceitful checkmate made so long ago. The eyes of the town’s head official locked with Ramdao’s. “So, I see you’re consorting with the children of the damned.” he told him. Ramdao insisted, “I am not directing them to do this city any harm.” The head official doubted him and initiated combat.
Ramdao had created a diversion with a smokescreen. “Showing how much you’d be tiger fucked against me would eat up valuable time.” The head official was stupid enough to ignore his advice and swung at him again. This time, Ramdao had decided to eliminate this pestering roadblock. As the head official’s fist had missed, Ramdao had taken a dagger and stabbed him through the ribcage. Then, Ramdao finished him off with a game of “Haitian Pin the Tail on the Donkey”; a move where using his mix of Voodoo, Santeria and Telekinesis had the dagger stab the head official much deeper than his ribcage.
Each new wound would drain blood faster than the last. As the head official collapsed from death, Ramdao had realized the plight he added to the quad’s journey. “I apologize for this so greatly.” he pleaded. Christie darkly reassured his actions saying, “I would’ve made him eat his spine, so you actually went easy on him.” They decided to flee from the city at that moment.
Hours had passed since adding to the blood on their hands. Finding a rather lulled area to camp out for the night, plans seemed to get haywire once they realized where the great evil was based. “Please tell me I’m reading this map incorrectly...” Lorenzo said. “No, even I have to admit that you’re reading that correctly.” Sawyer retorted. “What the fuck is going on?” Christie asked. Meaghan asked for the map to see what the concern amounted to. After examining it and getting a concurred sentiment from Ramdao, she presented her findings.
“Well, it looks like we’re fucked.” she began. “It appears the great evil is based out of Nouveau Antigone.” “The place considered the epicenter of French and Greek fusion culture?” Sawyer replied. “Why would that monster ruin that city?” “It doesn’t appear she’s ruined that city in terms of infrastructure.” She began. “However, she has ruined entertainment to where most of the townspeople have committed suicide.” Christie queried, “How many cities and plot points until Nouveau Antigone?” “I’m not sure on plot points, but it’s an entire ocean’s sailing to get there?” Meaghan responded. “Isn’t there a Bering Strait type of landmass to save time?” Lorenzo wondered. “I’m amazed at how you know of the Bering Strait.” Christie said. “I’m not totally stupid.” Lorenzo began. “I’m just terrible with subtlety and all forms of subtext.”
Meaghan had muttered concurring thoughts whilst examining the map for anything she and Ramdao may have missed. Her eyes locked on a port city not even ten miles to the South of them.
“We might have an answer in Costa Amethyst.” she said.
“Thank God.” Christie began. “I’m going to sleep. See you fuckers in the morning.”
“Agreed.” Ramdao said. “Let’s rest up and venture off at sunrise.”
As they had begun to slumber, Lorenzo and Sawyer had unresolved issues from the quad’s brief stay in Salieri Heights. “Do you hate me that much, Sawyer?” Lorenzo asked.
“Are we really trying to make a mountain out of a molehill again?” he quipped. “Stop that!” Lorenzo replied. “No, I don’t hate you Lorenzo.” Sawyer began. “I just wouldn’t fuck you is all. Apart from being partially related, I can’t imagine sucking off and pleasuring a man as dumb as you.” “Makes sense.” Lorenzo said. “Though I can’t imagine why our dads did it despite being related.” “They were actually part related like us.” Sawyer said. “How?” Lorenzo wondered. “Well, McRay and Charlie donated sperm to separate clinics. The intent was two different women entirely.” Sawyer began. “The different clinics then gave it to women who turned out to be twins separated from birth.”
“Wow...I’m surprised they didn’t have six toes or anything else weird.” Lorenzo said.
“They did, but that took care of itself while they were in the womb. Now shut the fuck up and rest up for Costa Amethyst tomorrow.” Sawyer replied.
When sunrise came, the quad and Ramdao had readied themselves for their next stop. Four miles into the trek, they were met with quite unwelcoming company. Monstrous beings made themselves present before them. Erratic vocal patterns first perplexed the entire quad. “What the hell are these things and what in God’s name is ‘Sterek’ or ‘Shevine’?” Meaghan queried. Christie knew the answer to her questions. “These are rabid ‘shippers’; people with a little too much free time who construct fictitious workings over figures from Movies, TV and Comic Books.”
“So...these are just rabid fanboys; right?” Sawyer asked.
“Fanboys know where to draw the line compared to these fucking people.” Christie responded. “Wait...” Meaghan started. “What are ‘Sterek’ and ‘Shevine’?” “The couplings of Stiles and Derek from MTV’s Teen Wolf and Blake Shelton and Adam Levine from The Voice.” Christie said. “Ok...now I know for sure that they’re insane.” Lorenzo stated.
“Don’t be quick to judge all shippers based on these fucking nutcases.” Christie advised. “Well are we going to just stand here or are we going to finish these facial wasters?”
The quad had engaged the rabid shippers for what felt like an eternity. Cries of fandom at first stunned them until Meaghan figured out a way to fight around this. She had noticed that by closing her eyes and not seeing the rabid shippers, directed their cries away from the quad. “Everybody; do what their parents and society had in order for them to become such monsters. Close your eyes and hope they go away.” she commanded. One by one, they shut their eyes and heard the cries being directed away from them.
“Ramdao...activate some type of Zatoichi incantation on yourself and finish them all off.” she commanded. Ramdao had muttered an incantation and attained a temporary blindness. As soon as he uttered the confirmation to the others, Meaghan instructed the others to open their eyes but in a direction to not draw attention of the rabid shippers. “Pretend it’s Sodom and Gomorrah...only instead of a pillar of salt, I’ll make sure you turn into vulture feed if you look back.” she said to them.
Ramdao’s temporary handicap allowed him to finish off the rabid shippers with ease. Shrieks as each one succumbed to death proved to the quad of his usefulness. “Wow, it’s like he’s going through them like they’re Kleenex in an adolescent’s room.” Sawyer noted. “With the same amount of shrieking, no less.” Meaghan added. Christie thought to herself, “I wonder if he could play jump rope with their spinal cords. Or better yet, whip the others to death with them.” Minutes later, Lorenzo noted the activity had dissolved. “Check in on him, Meaghan.” Before she uttered anything, Ramdao had reversed the incantation and told the others of his success. Christie was rather pleased with his work. “You didn’t play jump rope with their spinal cords, but I suppose I can be happy with you playing SkipIt with their intestines.”
The rest of their journey to Costa Amethyst had been without other interferences. Each of them agreed that in order to avoid blatant detection, they’d have to create a new identity of sorts. Meaghan and Christie would play mother and daughter a la Hester and Pearl. Lorenzo would assume the role of a mere tourist. Ramdao and Sawyer assumed the role of martial artist master and disciple. They each split up into different parts of town hoping to find out about any ferry service to Nouveau Antigone.
Hours of pumping information out of the residents proved to be infuriating. Christie thought to herself, “These people must be set on fire the minute we come back from this quest.” Lorenzo had no luck with information, but did engage in sex with a strapping fellow in an alley way. “Wow. I have to come back here the minute the quest is over.” he thought. Ramdao and Sawyer had better luck than the rest and tracked the others down. After they were reunited, Ramdao regaled them as to what they learned.
“Bad news...there’s never been direct ferry route to Nouveau Antigone from Costa Amethyst.” he said. “Are we in the wrong town?” Meaghan asked. Sawyer replied, “That’s not the issue. That’s good news along with a travel route that leaves in an hour or so.” “Is there a catch?” Christie queried. “No, we just need to head to the harbor and catch the ferry to Cape Elysses.” Ramdao replied. Meaghan, Christie and Lorenzo were stunned. “Cape Elysees?!” they shouted. “It’s the only city that’s a guaranteed shot to Nouveau Antigone.” Sawyer assured. “We know that just based on the fact that it’s only 30 miles south of Nouveau Antigone.” Christie began. “Although, that place looks like a Monet gallery took a shit and wiped its ass with doilies.” “We’ll get through it, Christie. I promise.” Ramdao told her.
They successfully boarded the ferry and right at the one hour mark, it left the harbor for Cape Elysses. As soon as they lost their regalia and assumed their actual skin, they were in awe
that they weren’t singled out for their true identity. They co-mingled with the other passengers and discovered that they weren’t the only ones attempting to vanquish the great evil. The entire ferry was full of renegade factions, hordes and alliances dedicated to fighting off and ultimately slaying the great evil. Christie assumed a leadership role and asked everyone, “So you can’t stand that terrible bitch from The Voice either, huh?”
The ferry roared in concurring thoughts. “Yeah! That bitch can’t project at all while singing!” one ferry attendee said. “Yeah; she makes me sick with her voice and looks.” another began. “She looks like Kimora Lee Simmons got fucked by a WNBA player!” Christie said, “Right idea, only she looks like Tokyo Rose got fucked by Tiger Woods.” Lorenzo added, “Not to mention her hair looks like Princess Leia and Sanjaya lost a fight with a lawn mower.” The raucous laughter was validation of the quad and Ramdao’s position as leaders of the ferry. Their first act was to gather the most coordinated of the newly formed army to assume navigation duties for the captain.
A rather lanky but sinister lad who was indeed the most coordinated there, took on the mission. “You’re lanky and evil but cute like Waluigi.” Meaghan started. “That will be your name from now on. Understand, Waluigi?” He replied, “Indeed. Would you like it open casket or closed casket style offing?” “Buried at sea, bitch!” Christie demanded. “You got it!” Waluigi replied. He raced to the captain’s dock, sliced through ancillary guards and killed the captain. The sight of the captain’s body tossed from the dock into the sea confirmed the success. “This is Captain Waluigi reporting. The one before me died of unexpected but deserved causes. Oh and if you saw a weird looking object in place of his head, I replaced it with a festive ‘Cast Away’ style volleyball.” The crowd oohed and aahed at that creative yet macabre thought.
As expected, the course for Cape Elysses would proceed smoothly unless Waluigi would
alert them otherwise. One such moment came when he alerted the ferry of an impending doom. “Alright, everyone. We’re coming up in the vicinity of a ‘Hydra from the Odyssey’ type of situation.” The ferry grew alarmed. “Nine of us are going to die?!” one asked. Waluigi responded, “No, but we will have to lose one of the cuter ones.” “Why?” Lorenzo asked. Waluigi explained that the scenario in question involved something far worse; a group of nine One Direction fans grieving over their deaths. “Oh God!” Sawyer asked. “Which member do they wish to grieve for?” The cries of “Niall!” answered that question quickly. “Find someone who looks like Niall and offer them as a sacrifice.” Waluigi urged.
“Oh no, that’s so difficult...” Christie sardonically started. “Alright Kevin, time to die.” Kevin responded, “Couldn’t we just hold a ‘beauty pageant’ as a diversion?” “Nice try, but nobody else looks that blond and that seemingly Kinsey 6 quite like you.” she replied. He was escorted to the spot where Waluigi instructed them. All the others could do is wait for Kevin to fade into an obscurity they wanted no knowledge of. “Any popcorn or snacks on anybody?” Christie asked. “I have cheddar Goldfish in a baggy.” one burly faction member said. “Sweet. Thank you!” she replied.
At the last minute, Kevin created a diversion no one believed worked. As one of the fans’ enlarged claw like hands reached for him, he pretended to be Niall’s ghost. “Don’t do this anymore, miss.” he began. “Louis, Harry Zayn, Liam and me are fine and want you to remember us as those who touched your lives.” The claw rescinded and let the ferry go without harm. The crowd waited until they were far away from the makeshift hydra to applaud him.
“Way to go Kevin!” one said. “Way to milk their emotions, you beautiful bastard.” another said. “Boo, you were supposed to die.” Christie said. “Sorry, but I knew I wanted to avoid death for all of us.” Kevin replied. “What do you say?” Christie thought before saying,
“Look; a bullet.” Kevin asked, “Huh?” before he was shot in-between the eyes. “Every idiot I’ve done that to, never thinks to duck.” she uttered. The ferry was reminded of Christie’s authority and bloodlust in one fell swoop. “Big Fucker?” she asked the burly faction member who gave her the cheddar Goldfish. “Yes?” he replied. “Bury Kevin at sea but hero style...meaning a cotton blanket wrapped around him, please.” she said. He complied and wrapped Kevin’s body in a cotton blanket and tossed it from the ferry. As some merely thanked his actions, one horde member actually held a moment of silence for him. Christie shot him dead as well; “Get your asses back from the ledge unless you want me to shoot you from it as well!” she yelled.
They scurried back to hear Captain Waluigi announce imminent land ho. “Alright passengers; only a short distance from Cape Elysees and the next sequence of plot development for all of us!” “Hooray!” they exclaimed. Lorenzo was excited at the thought of getting more coitus from easy and desperate men. Though he couldn’t help but notice Sawyer growing complacent and withdrawn. “What’s wrong?” he asked. Sawyer replied, “Something terrible will occur at Cape Elysees. I’m sure of it and can’t think of any preventative measures.”
Before Lorenzo could pump more information, Captain Waluigi announced, “Attention passengers; we have just set anchor in Cape Elysses. The city that looks like a Monet gallery took a shit and wiped its ass with doilies.” Lorenzo decided not to press the issue further.
The quad, Ramdao and the army ventured off the ferry and into the city. The denizens were frightened at the sight of them and Meaghan would make sure their intent was clear. Spotting a soapbox, she stepped on it and made the announcement; “Greetings to you all from the makers of your doom...should you fuck with us. We are passing through, merely on a quest to vanquish a terrible force in the entertainment industry. We will not cause you any harm as long as you don’t fuck with us. Anybody dumb enough to try, wins a Darwin Award.” A man asked,
“What’s this Darwin Award you speak of?” Christie answered by throwing a harpoon at his heart. “A slight at someone who could’ve died a preventable death...like someone dumb enough to ask what a Darwin Award is in those pants. Icky!” One alliance member said to a horde member, “This sick little twat just killed a man in broad daylight!” The horde member replied, “I am most certain, she’ll be the cause of our deaths.”
After making themselves clear, the quad, Ramdao and the army sought shelter big enough for them all. A man who owned the Hilton Cape Elysses agreed to deed the entire property to them as long as he, his family and the guests vacated weren’t going to die. “Relax, they won’t die.” Sawyer assured. Christie quipped, “As long as the food doesn’t suck and there’s primo Wi-Fi, we’ll make sure not to hunt you down.” They gave him time to evacuate the entire hotel. After the last few people were evacuated, the Hilton Cape Elysses became a fortress that would evoke the worst of human rage.
Breaking the hotel in and making the renovations needed then and there, the quad and Ramdao took the elevator to their self distributed penthouse suites. Alongside them were, Waluigi, “Big Fucker” and men Lorenzo and Sawyer deemed fit for sex. The moment they set their belongings aside, the quad had Waluigi announce a meeting in the newly est. “Foyer of Pending Bedlam”.
The first meeting had Christie assume the same and frightening path of initial leadership her mother and grandmother had. “From this moment on, we renounce any impulsion to having a conscious in executing the grand plan. The ends will justify the means...do I make myself clear?!” The army had a resounding concurrence. Christie had Meaghan elaborate on how much they knew of the great evil. “All we know is that the great evil is based in Nouveau Antigone. Her presence is a catalyst for suicide.” “That’s terrible!” one shouted.
“How we get there and who we slaughter along the way is unclear.” she continued. “That’s why we need you; so we can collectively defeat this bitch before it’s too late.” One faction leader asked, “How many of us do you think will die?” Sawyer replied, “We don’t think too many of you will perish. Maybe five to about less than half of you by the time this is over.” An alliance member asked, “Is there any idea of how to traverse the landscape in this weather?” Christie responded, “Good question...any physical geography buffs out of you bloodthirsty fuckwads?” “I’ve got a Master’s in Physical Geography from Loki & Hagar University.” a horde leader said. “You’ve just moved up to 8th floor status.” Meaghan said. The horde leader was happy at this news and received what would’ve been Kevin’s hotel suite.
A faction member arose and said, “I’m Satchee.” Christie said, “Holy crap, you’re a woman; a Native American woman at that. Apache, by chance?” “Indeed.” Satchee replied. “Don’t you think we’d need to win over or the very least subdue the city before leaving?” “Why do you propose such an idea?” Lorenzo queried. “We can’t risk a last minute ransacking while we sleep.” Satchee retorted. “Good point.” Meaghan began. “Any ideas on how, Sawyer?” She looked to see his chair empty. “Sawyer?” Christie began. “Where the fuck are you, Sawyer?”
She beckoned two army members by the door to search for him. When they opened the Foyer’s doors, they had seen Sawyer outside the hotel staring at a roaring fire.
“He’s staring at nothing but fire outside!” one said.
“He looks rather catatonic!” the other shouted.
They all rushed outside to where he was standing, to see that beyond the reaches of the Hilton Cape Elysees, the city itself was set ablaze. Screams all over were heard as those who weren’t on holiday, had been in the process of succumbing to death’s grip. “Oh my God!” Meaghan said. “What the fuck caused all of this?” Christie wondered. Lorenzo sensed that Sawyer knew full
well who had set the city of Cape Elysees ablaze.
“Sawyer...” he began.
“I told you something terrible was going to take place.”
“Why did you do this?” Lorenzo pressed. “Why?”
“Somebody told me that they had known of you biblically back at Costa Amethyst...and I couldn’t stand for anyone else knowing you like that.”
The army was floored to have heard Sawyer infer a love with Lorenzo. “But he’s dumber than a box of cat shit!” one shouted. “Seriously; I don’t think he realizes the floor gets wet in the shower!” another added. “I still have enough Goldfish to enjoy this shit.” Christie snidely added. Ramdao muttered, “Like his lineage before him; always crazy for the stupid ones.”
Lorenzo was flattered but concerned for Sawyer’s mental health. “It’s one thing to love somebody, but why the fuck did you set this city on fire?” Sawyer began, “I don’t want anyone else near you...unless we’re in an orgy.” “Surprising perspective for a guy who set a city on fire.” Meaghan quipped. “That and I wanted to prevent a last minute ransacking.” Sawyer finished.
“Is this what you had in mind, Satchee?” Christie asked.
“No, but it’s a nice touch.” she replied.