She agreed to the match and even diluted herself to her strongest human form. With katana in hand, the great evil beckoned Lorenzo. “Well you pussy, it’s now or never. Fight me.” They drew swords and with the first clang, began the fight.
The start would be non-stop clangs and sparks of steel being emitted for an hour and a half. “One of us will tire, you pussy.” she said to him. “It’s not me yet, you bitch.” he replied. The fight wouldn’t stay on ground much longer. As it seemed like one would finally draw blood, their patterns of movement had them both fall onto a river barge.
“Has he fought this long before?” a faction member asked.
“Not since he tried reading a Dr. Seuss book cover to cover on his own.” Johnny replied.
“Wow, I knew he was dumb but goddamn.” a horde member chimed.
“How does one struggle with Dr. Seuss?” an alliance member added.
The banter died down when Ramdao and Satchee had traversed a trail that was next to the river barge’s path. Satchee had pulled out blow darts and Ramdao coated them with a neurotoxin certain to bring Judith to a certain death. However, given the circumstances, the neurotoxin was not at its peak. The incantation would’ve consumed too much time that would’ve been used to assist Lorenzo. Making do with what they could, Satchee was able to pinpoint Judith from the trail. Every dart she had hit Judith, but because of the limited strength of the neurotoxin, had little effect.
Lorenzo was finally able to draw blood from Judith. He knew the blood would not affect him as Ramdao’s allegiance to him granted him a rare immunity. She was still able to fight him and was almost able to draw blood from him with her katana. The army had been following the two since they landed on the river barge. Ramdao was able to locate the end of the path before Lorenzo and Judith knew and teleported everyone to the path’s end.
The end of the river barge’s path took them 14 miles from Sao Bangkok into a familiar place for the quad. The village of Kahlo; the resting grounds of Catya. Arriving in the town port, the army had situated themselves all along Kahlo’s streets and rooftops. When the river barge had arrived later, neither Judith nor Lorenzo wasted time in engaging each other on land. Kicks and punches later they had arrived where the ground army had waited.
When Judith was punched away from Lorenzo’s vicinity, they struck. The alliances, hordes and factions each kicked, punched and beat Judith. When Waluigi had performed his super kick move, it looked premature in victory. Her speed towards a café and eventually crashing into the café would’ve ended the fight on anyone else. However, she emerged only bruised from the onslaught. “You are still pathetic and weak!” she barked.
Meaghan devised a plan to really have Judith lose blood. Having Maryam plan out the angles of attack, she commanded Tarsus and Christie to jettison themselves toward Judith in an attempt to disarm of her katana. Tarsus had gone first, but was only able to temporarily stun her. Christie had followed up and was successful in more than just disarming Judith. She had lopped her arm off clean. “Aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh!” she began. “My arm! My sword!” “Zip it bitch!” she taunted.
Lorenzo seized on her moment of weakness and sliced her other arm off as well. Her follow up scream was just as painful. “Give it up, Judith...” he began. “Your death is imminent.” She refused to concede. “Like hell I’m giving up.” Her diabolical nature allowed her to regenerate her arms. “Well, isn’t that special.” Ramdao noted. “She mustn’t realize the handicap she caused herself.” Meaghan had wondered what he was talking about, but it was clear upon looking at her upper body. “Her ribcage looks odd...” she thought. Then she realized that Judith had sacrificed lung capacity for a new set of arms as her ribs had formed new arms.
Lorenzo noted this too and taunted her on a chase through the streets of Kahlo. Adrenaline had worked itself into Lorenzo’s favor. His carved path proved too much for Judith as she collapsed in the city’s main square. The army had been teleported there as Ramdao had seen how Lorenzo had defeated the great evil.
They met up where Judith had conceded. “No! No, goddamnit, no!” she angrily barked. “Save that limited and dying breath, bitch.” Christie ordered. Waluigi prompted, “So now what? How do we finish this whore off for good?” They had consorted long enough to reach the conclusion that she would be beaten by everyone with Lorenzo delivering the final blow. “Yeah that’s good to whoever seconded the motion for this.” Meaghan began. “Was it you over there in the faction?” The faction member in question nodded his head positively. “I like how that idea involves all of us coming together full circle without us looking clichéd.” she replied.
The quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus, Maryam and Calliope were at long last ready to vanquish the great evil. Christie announced the order of beating; “It goes alliances, factions and hordes. All of you will punch the fuck out of her as hard as you can.” An alliance leader asked, “Are we allowed to bite her?” Christie replied, “Look! A bullet!” and shot him in-between the eyes. “They still don’t think to duck when I say that.” After no further inquiries from the army were raised, they had proceeded to start beating the great evil to death.
The alliances crudely but effectively began the assailing by punching her and playing Karmin’s debut effort. The punches would sound better to the great evil. “Dear God, I know I’m your biggest enemy but I know I deserve better than this music playing.” “Quit bellyaching yourself and let us get to that later.” Waluigi retorted. After thirty minutes, the alliances had left bruises and let the hordes take the next round.
The hordes continued by kicking her until the bruises darkened enough to their likings.
“Come on guys...” a horde member began. “Our faction brothers need a turn beating her lightly at some point.” “I’m just getting the bruise to look like Madonna!” another horde member replied. “I can help with that!” a faction leader exclaimed. “Any era of Madonna in mind?”
“I was thinking ‘True Blue’ era with the fact that there is bruising on her.” the other horde member said.
“Isn’t that a little pun heavy; i.e., something Christie could kill you for?” the faction leader asked.
“Good point. One more punch and I can lay some ‘Hard Candy’ era Madonna here.”
“I can do ‘Confessions on a Dance Floor’ era into ‘Hard Candy’ era for you.”
“Wow, thanks so much!” the other horde member said.
The faction delivered on the sickeningly cute promise made and also did their part in the finishing off of the great evil. Kicks similar to world class soccer matches and left right punch combos had further depleted the great evil’s lung capacity. Meaghan nudged Ramdao to predict if Judith was feigning defeat to attack later. He viewed a future conflict but told Meaghan that it had nothing to do with Judith. “When you’re done, commandeer a ferry big enough for the rest of us. Judith won’t be our last opponent on this journey.” She complied and relayed what she knew to Christie. She agreed to let Meaghan kick Judith’s ass first. “Just save enough of her for us to finish her off.” she advised.
Meaghan decided to keep her attack brief and beat the great evil with her Sigma Shield. As soon as she drew the smallest amount of blood, she eyed Ramdao who indicated her to commandeer a ferry. She ran through Kahlo leaving the others baffled. “Something awaits us even after this.” Satchee noted. Ramdao had said nothing and let the others have their vengeance. Johnny performed a series of bicycle kicks until she stunned Judith to his liking. Satchee had
taken a more brutal yet minimalist approach. She took out a pouch she had. This pouch contained shattered glass dust. She decided to fling the dust into her eyes. The agonizing screams from the great evil had reverberated against the village’s landscape to where even members of the army had been driven mad by the noise. Ramdao had taken his turn and asked Maryam to assist him. He prompted her to break Judith’s entire body. She had done that with the “Haitian Pita”; a move she learned from her family, the move had Maryam envelop herself around Judith. When she had all of Judith positioned correctly, she merely leaned back when crunching had been heard and screams were emitted from the great evil yet again. Ramdao had then recited an incantation that had the great evil like a ragdoll. With his mind, she had been flung against the entire main square of Kahlo. He had positioned her back when he grew tired of toying with her.
Waluigi and Tarsus had decided to assist in each other’s turn as well. Tarsus had lacerated her naval with his naginata. Then Waluigi proceeded to beat Judith with five bottles of champagne. Each broken bottle and content had been a type of salt added to the wounds left by everyone so far. Johnny and Calliope decided to have Lorenzo deliver the final blow but not before they made it simple for him. Johnny pierced his Sai deep into the great evil and beat her with a bag of rocks viciously. Calliope taunted the great evil before she did what she did. “It must be a pity to have been on top for so long only to die in a village no bigger than a recycling bin.” She then mauled her with a set of makeshift claws. Every bit of flesh torn even had Christie disgusted. “Yeesh, even I wouldn’t do shit this sick to her you goddamn nutcase.”
She pulled Calliope aside and proceeded to make the final blow even easier for Lorenzo. With her ring blade she lopped off the regenerated arms off and amputated her legs. “Aaaaaaaaagggggggggggggghh!” was the last big scream she unleashed. “Shut the hell up.” Christie began. “It could’ve been a lot worse.” The army nodded their heads in concurrence.
As Lorenzo stepped forward to deliver the final blow, he was told by Ramdao to make it quick. “Meaghan will return any moment now. Finish her off, with no mercy.” He raised his sword and had administered a move that nearly haunted the army worse than Christie’s bony num nums episodes. He thrust the sword into the great evil’s nether regions and kept it there until the impact had rendered the great evil into a skeletal remain. “Did he just...” an alliance member started. “Oh God; he gave her a Russian Tampon!” A horde member added, “Yes that plot point is over now, but I found that very foul.” Christie concurred. “It’s pretty bad when ruthless alliances, hordes and factions are disgusted by your actions.”
Ramdao had prompted Satchee to purify the village landscape, skeletal remains and the sword used as to cleanse it of its tainted spirit. “Ramdao?” Waluigi started. “Did you really use the term ‘tainted’ considering where the sword was near?” “I’m the Keeper of the gateway and Grandmaster of the Pegasus!” he retorted. “Not the king of subtext.” “Leave it to someone who mixes Santeria and Presbyterianism together to not have subtlety or subtext.” a faction leader murmured. Just as Satchee had cleansed the remains and the sword, Meaghan arrived with the ferry she commandeered. “Everybody get on!” she demanded.
They were surprised that this was the very same vessel they had embarked on from Costa Amethyst to Cape Elysees. The other members of the quad drove the dune buggy on to the ferry and rushed the army to board ship. Once on, Waluigi had resumed his Captain status. After getting the word to venture onward, the ferry had left the village of Kahlo. “Travel as fast as this ferry will allow you to.” Ramdao urged.
Waluigi found the ship’s top speed and maintained the speed until Ramdao had given him clearance. The rest were appeased but hesitant to declare victory aloud. Lorenzo was still honored as the slayer of the great evil. Calliope was most impressed with his valor.
“You may be as much of an intellect as a properly hydrated plant, but you fight with the type of brutish efficiency that makes historical figures out of otherwise inferior men of conquest.” she backhandedly relayed to him. “I thank you, Calliope.” he replied. Lorenzo looked into Johnny’s eyes and said to him, “No matter what happens, I love you to pieces.” Their kiss at that moment would be the most rewarding lip locking of their unorthodox history.
Christie had eventually learned of how Big Fucker had been slain, after Ramdao had felt keeping this from her was no longer viable. “He couldn’t have done anything against a miasma that strong to make him loopy like that.” she began. “However, he did share appreciation for cheddar Goldfish, so he died with honor.” “I apologize for keeping this from you for so long.” he replied. “Don’t apologize for that. The ends justify the means within our fucked up microcosm.” she retorted.
Satchee had eventually revealed her liking to Ramdao as more than just a mentor of sorts. “If we die for some pointless reason of plot development, I feel compelled to express my love for you.” He returned the affection to her, though without the burning passion of Lorenzo and Johnny. “We could have something from this. Remain optimistic.” he told her. Tarsus and Maryam had established a similar connection. “I do like educated men.” she cooed. “I like flexible women who regret birthing children by accident.” he cheekily but darkly quipped. “Oh, you adorable barely supporting character you.” she quipped.
Waluigi had thought to himself, “I hope Ramdao gives the clearing soon. I got my eye on one of the alliance leaders. What a hot piece of man he is!” Meaghan had relayed the clearing on Ramdao’s behalf. “He says we can proceed smoother now.” “Thanks.” he began. He handed her a folded piece of parchment continuing, “By the way, give this alliance leader special access to my maritime cockpit.” She complied but quipped, “Use that phrase again and I rip this up.”
When Waluigi had reduced the ferry’s speed to normal, Ramdao had visited him. “I need to determine if we somehow managed to avoid the fight I had foreseen back in the village of Kahlo.” he said to him. Grabbing hold of the steering wheel, Ramdao had envisioned enough of the future to determine the outcome. “Even with Meaghan’s promptness, we must still face one last set of opponents.” Waluigi pressed him for information. “Who did you see us do battle with?” “It isn’t a greater evil than Judith. That much I can promise you.” he replied. Just as that was uttered their final opponents made themselves known, with helicopters and a destroyer ship. “Keep the course for navigation.” Ramdao prompted.
When away from the navigation ward, Ramdao had seen their opponents. A sanctioned paramilitary group Lockheed Martin C-130J Super Hercules emerged forth. “Stop now, criminals!” they exclaimed. “Who the hell are they?” Meaghan queried. The last opponents were members of a joint nation effort to wipe out the army. “We will do everything we can to destroy you as to never cause the havoc you did.” When he saw the joint nation effort point their weaponry at the alliance member he opined for, Waluigi decided to strike. His rushing to the ferry’s arms storage scared Christie. “What the hell are you doing?! Do you know how stupid you’d be if you were to die so close to the end?”
He had ignored her inquiry and with smart bomb in hand, had risen to an apex of the ferry. He set his sights on where he felt the most damage could be done. After figuring out the smart bomb detonation code, he aimed it the aircraft and landed a direct hit. The explosion took care of all but a meager fleet that had been stowed away inside the plane. Despite Waluigi’s success, the meager fleet had made it aboard the ferry.
“We’re not going away at the drop of a hat.” their leader said.
“You’ll die by our hands sooner than you think.” Christie began. “You all do.”
The alliances, hordes and factions had the quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus, Maryam and Calliope step aside. “We’ll handle them for you.” they said. The alliance leader Waluigi opined for gazed at him at said, “You needn’t worry. No stupid plot point of my death will emerge.” He had no choice but to stand idly by as the army had dealt with the meager fleet.
The very last battle would consume 1 hour and 50 minutes. At the 38 minute mark, the alliances had taken out a fraction of the fleet using only their bare hands. Their hands had turned sanguine from having beaten aforementioned fleet members to a pulp. At the 1 hour and 15 minute mark, the hordes had beheaded another fraction of the fleet. Swings of their cleavers and such to cause surgically precise beheadings had turned their weapons from steel to bloodied and jugular ridden shades of crimson.
Finally at the 1 hour and 50 minute mark, the factions had slain the remaining fleet members. They had left their leader for last but saved the most brutal death they could inflict on a person for him. They had performed a “Siberian Nursery Rhyme”; this move had each member of the faction grab the fleet leader’s body to fashion a jump rope. Then, they would intentionally “miss the rope”, causing them to slowly but effectively crush him. “Oh blimey; I think it’s your turn with the jump rope.” one faction member would say to the other. After the 17th failed rendition of “Harbor Street”, a faction leader decided to end play time with their toy.
“Oh thank God.” Meaghan stated.
“Boo.” Christie began. “You never even got to the part where it went, ‘boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider; girls go to college to get more knowledge’. Fucking wimps.”
“I’m amazed at how prioritized you are.” Meaghan snided.
“Well I can see your sunny disposition that didn’t get you any.” Christie retorted.
“After all of this, I’m getting my tubes tied tomorrow.” she quipped.
After encouraging the army to loot what they could from their “toy” and dumping the body in the ocean, Waluigi eyed his alliance leader. He ran to him and made a move; lip locking with every passionate fiber of his body. The alliance leader though flattered revealed, “My sights are kind of set on Meaghan.” Christie had shot him in the back of the head. Meaghan was floored, “Why’d you shoot him, Christie?” She replied, “Waluigi nearly died a pointless death for him and he’s stupid enough to get erect for you?! Stupid people like that must die.” Meaghan than realized, “I knew I was supposed to tell Waluigi something as he was blowing up the aircraft.” Another alliance leader approached Waluigi and told him, “I tried with him too, to no avail.” He was content with the affection being reciprocated. Christie looted the fallen alliance leader and disposed of his body.
Eventually, the ferry’s course would land them back in Costa Amethyst. Calliope was sent to scout the grounds undercover as a tourist to find out if authority figures were after them. After scouting long enough she returned to them and said, “No one seeks our heads.” The army was elated. “We really ended the reign of the great evil.” Lorenzo stated. Johnny looked at his hero and offered, “Let’s see if our alley way is intact.” “No alley way sex.” Calliope started. “I managed to acquiesce permanent residence in their Hilton hotel.” Ramdao pressed information from her. “How exactly was there no one out for our heads again?”
“I slept with the head official of this city.”
“Well, at least you have a level of respect for yourself.”
“I had to get kinky with the bastard to make sure he wouldn’t testify.”
“He’ll never roam this Earth with that thought in his head anymore.”
“When he tried to discharge on me, I had to kill him.”
Christie said, “Well enough of that wholesome matter and let’s go to our new home.”
The quad, Ramdao, Waluigi (and his lover), Satchee, Tarsus, Maryam and Calliope had settled into what would become their newest abode. Christie would grow out of her desire to burn the city down to the ground. “Without the thoughts of authority figures wanting me dead, this place seems the perfect place to spend my final days.” she thought.
Costa Amethyst would indeed end up where Christie along with the others would spend a good chunk of their final days. However, the alliances, hordes and factions would leave the compound as they wanted honorable ways to die by conquest. The grand leader of them all declared, “We know this is a bit of a surprise for you all, but we’ve come together and decided that we’re becoming soldiers and commanders for the Costa Amethyst Royal Military.” Lorenzo replied, “You fought alongside us for long enough. Just grant us immunity from shit they’d have planned for us and we won’t respond.” The army was happy to swear up and down they’d comply.
Ramdao had eventually succumbed to natural causes. He was buried in the city’s cemetery, leaving behind Satchee to carry on his mix of Santeria and Presbyterianism. “He was good to me and that’s all that mattered.” she muttered. Tarsus and Maryam spent the remainder of their days at the compound, as everyone else had decided to move to the ferry. “Finally, those nutcases are gone.” she nudged to him. “I never thought we’d leave them without our blood on the ground.” he replied. “Well I did snag a little something from Christie.” she mentioned. She pulled out a bag of cheddar Goldfish to where he replied, “Let our last moments on Earth be sweet, my dear.” He kissed her long enough for them not to notice the sudden explosion of the compound by a detonated smart bomb.
“Like those obnoxious assholes with Butterfinger, nobody lays a hand on my cheddar Goldfish goddamnit!” Christie exclaimed. “Well there’s that happy ending.” Waluigi snided.
As they boarded the ferry, they pondered where their course should take them. “Let’s head back to Kahlo.” Christie suggested. “Any one of us could be the head official with a little force behind us.” “Interesting, but I was thinking more of heading back to Yawey. Word is that it’s completely filled with new people who had never even heard of our actions.” Lorenzo said. Meaghan wasn’t fooled by his suggestion. “You know two more things than I ever gave you credit for. One, you know goddamn well you want to try and make peace with Sawyer even though Ramdao had confirmed he was in purgatory. Two, that place sucks worse than Cape Elysees and Sawyer burned it down in a fit of psychosis.”
Eventually, the bickering subsided and they settled for setting course to Kahlo. Once they had docked, the villagers had trepidations about their return. At first they were proven correct when Christie had assassinated the town’s head official. However, that would be the only blemish as they had aligned the village under protection from the Costa Amethyst Royal Military. “Our little way of saying ‘don’t revolt against us’ You’re welcome.” Johnny quipped.
Settling in, the reunited efforts of the quad and their army proved effective when protecting Kahlo from invasion efforts by neighboring cities and countries. Nearly twenty invasions were fended off by the quad and their army; twelve of them being from Sao Bangkok. After that city’s last attempted invasion, Waluigi prompted the airmen of the Costa Amethyst Royal Military to enact “Murphy’s Military Law #6” over them. The screams of their fallen and failed invaders would prove cathartic and sickly comical.
“I love it when that game is quoted ever so much.” Lorenzo said.
Years later, the rest of the quad and others had succumbed to their inevitable deaths. Satchee had passed while in her sleep. While awaiting her fate in purgatory, she had run into Sawyer. “Well, do they process everyone out of here this late?” she asked. “No, this is where I ended up.” he began. “Not enough sins for hell, but the whole killing people on Earth thing is apparently frowned upon unless you do it in God’s name.” “Ah, I see.” she replied.
Sawyer explained that whilst in purgatory he was able to watch over every event that transpired since his death in the Hilton Yawey. He then escorted her to the purgatory station where Ramdao was waiting. “You look as radiant like the day I first fucked you with the lights on.” he cheekily initiated. “I see your romantic side is intact.” she quipped. They were soon joined by Waluigi and his lover as they had passed in their sleep. “So, is this where we determine if we’re in the luxury suites or in economy class?” Waluigi queried. “Head to the front desk and the nice man will assist you both.” Sawyer replied.
Lorenzo, Johnny, Calliope and Meaghan had then emerged in purgatory; floored by Sawyer’s presence. “It’s been quite some time, Sawyer.” Lorenzo started. Meaghan decided to leave them be and find out her fate. “No matter what, you all meant something to me.” she said as her parting words. “Don’t bother with that plan.” Calliope stated. She had found out from Waluigi and his lover that all but one member of the quad would remain in purgatory for the reasons Sawyer had expressed earlier. “Even Big Fucker made it here.” she relayed. “He can’t be reached because he’s purgatory’s number one kid show personality.” “Are you sure that doesn’t qualify as hell?” Johnny quipped. “Even children in purgatory need entertainment.” Calliope replied.
As expected, Christie’s last act on Earth would be a sure fire entrance into hell; she had engaged in a murderous rampage against the villagers of Kahlo for unspecified reasons.
“They should’ve known stealing her cheddar Goldfish would equal death.” Lorenzo noted. “Speaking of death by ignorance of stealing cheddar Goldfish, where’s Tarsus and Maryam?” Meaghan replied, “They help out with Big Fucker’s kid show.” “Bonus fact, it’s produced by all members of the crew and spawn.” Johnny added. “Everyone but Catya and Blyvy, right?” Lorenzo queried. “No, Blyvy’s dojo was enough to avoid hell. Her actions on Earth before were still too much for heaven.” Johnny replied.
In hell, Christie met her grandmother. “So, you murdered the people that feared me?” Catya asked. “Bitches stole my cheddar Goldfish and everyone had to pay!” Christie replied. “I like your logic.” Catya replied. They hijacked the latest vessel traveling along the river Styx. Catya sliced the operator’s head off and Christie force fed the co-navigator his spine. “Who wants bony num nums? Who wants bony num nums?” she taunted. “Wow, you’re good at that. Teach your grandmother how to do that so I can get the hang of it for myself.” Catya replied.
Passengers aboard the vessel were ironically outraged. One even said, “Excuse me, we may be in hell for sins of murder, infidelity and wearing Capri length pants but that was rather foul.” “Shut the fuck up! Your speech patterns irritate me.” Catya said. “Psst; watch this.” Christie began. “Look, a bullet!” and shot the passenger between the eyes. “They never think to duck, even in hell.” Catya noted.
“I have to get off the ship!” another passenger cried.
“Freedom of the seas, bitch. Sit your ass down!” Christie exclaimed.