The morning after the fire had reduced Cape Elysees to nothing, Meaghan had Waluigi announce a meeting in the Foyer of Pending Bedlam. Christie had promoted Satchee to penthouse status after she had inadvertently est. what Sawyer ended up doing. Further conversations revealed her ability to strategize on large scale operations. She had also promoted Tarsus; the man who had revealed his Master’s degree in physical geography to penthouse status as he had also demonstrated his political geography chops.
As for Sawyer, Ramdao had beckoned him to talk privately before the meeting. They met in an enclave where continental breakfasts were once offered. “What had you snap like that?” he asked Sawyer. “I don’t know and even if I did I wouldn’t like the phase of cognition I underwent.” he replied. “Don’t grow more envious of any other man that goes near him.” Ramdao advised. “You know our lineage sucks at making promises.” Sawyer ominously retorted. Despite his better judgment, Ramdao let Sawyer off easy and headed to the Foyer.
At the meeting, Meaghan announced that despite suspicions had by everyone, the tri-state committee Cape Elysees had been part of would not pursue charges. After that, Satchee and Tarsus had announced their pending travel routes to Nouveau Antigone. “After reviewing the landscape of everything 30 miles North of this city, we’ve decided to propose this plan of action.” Satchee initiated. “This plan is a good old fashioned Viking style ransacking of towns in between here and Nouveau Antigone.” Tarsus continued. “May we put this to a vote, quad co-leader Christie?” “Not until we entertain questions from the crowd. Obligatory plot development principle, but I like the idea.” she replied. “Questions for the planned proposal before voting?” Lorenzo asked.
A horde member asked, “Is it still a ‘Viking’ style ransacking if we use martial arts?” Christie shot him between the eyes and reminded everyone that, “Stupid questions lead to early
graves. Oh and you in the third row, six to the right hand side? Memorials for stupid people leads to imminent death too.” After no further questions were asked, Christie initiated the voting. The army agreed on the ransacking and proceeded to the next issue. What to do with the Hilton Cape Elysees.
“I propose we burn it to the ground.” a faction leader began. “We can’t leave any trace of us here or other police forces will be on our tail.” Satchee replied, “Right idea, but wrong reasoning. If the tri-state committee wouldn’t pursue charges against us, I doubt police forces are trying to track us down.” “Though burning it down to the ground is a good idea.” Meaghan pointed out. “I concur; this place couldn’t suck dick and get good Wi-Fi.” Christie said. “Now it’s time for a vote.” Lorenzo began. “All in favor of burning down say, ‘aye’.” The entire army shouted “aye!” and the decision was made.
The quad, Ramdao, the army, Waluigi, Satchee and Tarsus gathered their belongings and then proceeded to burn the Hilton Cape Elysees to the state of nothingness the city underwent. “Tarsus! Direct us to the next set of plot points.” Christie said. “This way; North to about 12 and a half miles out!” he replied. The army could sense trouble 6 miles into the trek to Nouveau Antigone. “There’s this annoying as fuck rustling from that forest patch!” an alliance member said. “Throw something at the patch to see what pops out.” Meaghan insisted.
The alliance member threw a rock at the patch and out popped an irate fan of the 16 & Pregnant franchise. “Dear God...” Lorenzo began. “How many of these crazed lunatics are there?” An ensemble of 35,000 emerged to answer Lorenzo’s question.
“Smokey the Bear wouldn’t mind if we started a forest fire in this case, right?” Satchee asked.
“If he did, I’d rip his spine out and bitch-slap him with it.” Christie replied.
Despite the number, the army engaged the rabid 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom fans. The fight would consume half of that day. 2 hours and 45 minutes into the battle, Satchee came to the realization that brute strength wouldn’t be enough to kill them all. “These whores have raw natural strength; I’ll give them that.” she thought. Having spotted a poisonous snake on the ground, Satchee killed and drained its toxins. After mixing the toxins alongside other combative agents with Ramdao, she asked the quad for their weapons and instructed the army to stall them. “This should finish these goddamn whores.” she muttered.
One by one, Satchee and Ramdao applied the toxin mix to the quad’s weapons. Lorenzo’s broadsword would have a certain glow to it because of the mix. Meaghan’s Sigma Sword would have enough to deliver fatal blows when her corresponding Sigma Shield didn’t. Sawyer’s double bladed axe would be twice as fatal against them. Christie wasn’t allowed to apply the mix as a lotion, but she was given a ring blade with the toxins applied on it.
As Satchee had hypothesized, the mix would prove beneficial for the quad and in turn the army. Slowly but very surely, the rabid fandom of 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom had died off from the toxic agents and sheer brutality. “The nouns that caused their deaths is somewhat ironic.” a horde leader began. “Toxic agents and brutality are what made them in a sick way.” Christie pointed out, “That would be apt if it were the actual 16 & Pregnant and Teen Moms themselves. These are rabid fans of them, so they just deserved this. Right idea though.”
They traversed onward to the 12 and a half mile mark where right on Tarsus’ cue, trouble showed itself as something far worse than their previous adversaries. “Am I having vision problems?” Sawyer queried. “Those creatures are bright orange but not making Willy Wonka chocolates. What are they?” “Whatever they are, they need better hairstyles.” Meaghan noted. “Their hair looks like a fucking tumor and a croissant nightmare.”
Lorenzo knew exactly what they were. “All good points, but these cretins are rabid fans of that little lump of human/vodka bottle/troll from that orange show MTV unleashed.” “I’m scared.” Big Fucker said. “If I touch one of them I might die of syphilis complications.” “No you won’t.” Christie started. “If anything, you might have a treatable hepatitis for at least a month.” Sawyer eventually figured out a way of having them vanquished with little effort. He collaborated with Ramdao to place a hex upon them if they weren’t able to solve a riddle he’s come up with.
“That could work.” Ramdao began. “What type of hex do you want when they fail?”
“Instant death. I want to keep it kind of minimalist.” he replied.
“Riddle away you crazy bastard.” Ramdao encouragingly retorted.
Sawyer presented the challenge to the fans. “Whoever decides to step up has to represent the entire lot of you. All you have to do is solve a riddle of sorts.” The fans huddled and elected the least physically grotesque among them to accept the challenge.
“Alright...” Sawyer began. “To escape Ramdao’s hex of instant death, let a Bible verse flow from your breath.” The fan replied, “Easy...an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” Sawyer giddily replied, “Sorry, that’s not in the Bible.” “Wait!” the fan bartered. “Best 2 out of 3...do onto others as you would have them do onto you.” Sawyer shook his head in negation to the fan’s answer. The fan grew frantic. “Fuck! Wait! An apple a day keeps the doctor away! Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise! Pull out!” Each answer presented was dumber and a higher indicator that they had been deserving of death.
“Pull it off, Ramdao.” Sawyer said. Ramdao recited an incantation and cast the instant death spell. Every rabid fan there had succumbed to the spell; choking on their tongues and bleeding outwards had sealed their doom. “Let that be a lesson.” Sawyer began. “Fans of that lump can’t quote the Bible.” “Thank God.” Christie snided.
She looked over to Tarsus and told him to direct everyone to the next series of plot points. He replied, “North! To about the 22 mile mark!” The quad, Ramdao, the army, Waluigi, Satchee and Tarsus ventured another 5.5 miles, making it the 18 mile mark in total before tension would be felt in the next town. They had unwittingly set foot in the epicenter of Jewish and Mexican fusion culture; Yawey.
The tension was felt immediately; the city had been designated as the permanent refuge center for those driven out of Cape Elysees. Christie had the army ready themselves for battle against the town. However, the Yawey head official offered a plea to spare the people of the city and not finish off the refugees. Meaghan clarified that Sawyer had a mental breakdown and that was the only reason Cape Elysees had been set on fire. “I see...” the head official began. “So you’ll just pass on through and spare us?” “That’s precisely what we mean.” Satchee reassured. The head official directed them to the abandoned Hilton Yawey and gave rather stern orders to not harm the townspeople.
As they complied and headed toward the hotel, a man had decided to follow them under the guise of becoming a permanent watchdog of them. Sawyer recognized him and despite his bloodlust, decided to let him come along. At the hotel, the army made the same renovations as they had with the previous hotel. As the quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee and Tarsus boarded the elevator for their penthouse suites, the “escort” wanted to board as well. “Wait...” he began. “I need to admit something.” “What’s your name? I hate having to use pronouns more than once a day.” Christie queried. “My name is Johnny and I know Lorenzo...biblically.” he replied. “That would explain why Sawyer’s giving you the death stare.” Waluigi stated.
“I’ll explain everything.” Johnny promised to Sawyer.
“Just get in, you bastard.” he barked to him.
Johnny explained that he was the tryst Lorenzo had back in Costa Amethyst. According to him, Lorenzo had dropped a bit of currency as he scurried off to catch the ferry to Cape Elysees. “How the hell did you get on the boat undetected by the original ticket masters?” Meaghan wondered. “I snuck on and stayed in the background.” he began. “I pretended to be one of the ancillary army members without a given name.” “Any dirty secrets you find out?” Christie pressed. “Two horde leaders are an item.” he said. “You’d never guess which ones, though.” “Fascinating you bring relationships up.” Sawyer began.
“Not here, you fucking maniac.” Ramdao advised. “If you want to kill him, do it outside of Yawey.” He reluctantly complied but ordered Johnny to sleep on the couch. “As long as you’re away from me, I will be fine.” Sawyer took to his bed and began to rest. “His hatred is a bit unjustified.” Christie explained. “See, despite the fact they’re kind of related, Sawyer’s into Lorenzo even though Lorenzo is as dumb as cat shit.” “No need to remind me of that.” Johnny began. “He asked me how to spell ‘honey’ during sex.” “Say no more.” Meaghan said.
Before they headed to bed, Lorenzo went to Sawyer and insisted he give Johnny a chance. “Why the hell should I be compelled to do such an act?” he queried. “You know full well why.” Lorenzo replied. “Fine.” Sawyer began. “I won’t kill him here and I won’t kill him as long as he keeps his distance from me.”
Taking what he could get from Sawyer, Lorenzo went to his bed where Johnny was waiting. “He wants me dead, doesn’t he?” Johnny asked. “He vows not to kill you if you stay away from him.” Lorenzo began. “I would’ve offered him your sexual favors, but I didn’t want the both of us to die.” “At least you’re generous.” Johnny said.
His words at that moment was enough for Lorenzo to initiate sex with him. They began to disrobe each other as they stared into one another’s eyes. Sexual emotions were being emitted
at the speed of light with each other. After that, the sexual emissions between the two had Big Fucker rushing the floors to the penthouse suites. Once he was at the door, Christie told him, “Relax...no one’s getting murdered up here. Lorenzo and Johnny are just fucking rather extravagantly.” Big Fucker was relieved and Christie decided to officially promote him to penthouse status for his concern. “Sleep on the couch or floor. Both are comfy womfy for a dude your size.” she said. “Thanks, Christie. By the way, my real name’s Agathor.” he replied. “I knew I named you Big Fucker for a reason.” she quipped.
That morning, the penthouse residents awoke to a rather interesting aroma. “What smells like syrup and bacon?” Waluigi pondered. Christie replied, “Two men sticky after having porked each other.” Waluigi added, “From the smell, they tasted each other’s spicy meat-a-balls.” Christie added, “Another bad pun this early and I’ll collect your fucking head.” Meaghan had Tarsus announce a meeting in the newer Foyer of Pending Bedlam. Sawyer decided then and there that he might not get another chance to finish off Johnny.
“Johnny. I need to talk to you alone.” he began. “Saying sorry is going to take a while.” The rest decided to let Sawyer and Johnny have the suite to them. Lorenzo was rightfully suspicious at first but Meaghan had convinced him to let this be.
“Something tells me if one of them was meant to die on this journey, it’s better for it to happen now then later.” she told him.
While off in the meeting, Sawyer decided to gauge Johnny’s worth in the army. “You want in? You’ll have to fight me to the death and win.” “I don’t want to fight you, Sawyer.” he replied. “So it’ll be a cakewalk for me? Great.” Sawyer replied.
“Just for that, I’m sending you right to hell.” Johnny said.
The fisticuffs between the two evolved into a miniature re-enactment of WWII.
Tables were broken over each other. Blood was spat in each other’s faces. Sawyer was floored initially by Johnny’s kill mode. He wasn’t able to block all of his punches, but Sawyer thought, “If I played dirty to start this fight, I can easily control the fight.” He spotted a potpourri display and threw it at Johnny. It blinded him long enough for Sawyer to break a champagne bottle over his head. “Nothing feels as Christ-like as beating a man with a champagne bottle.” he snided. “I’m surprised you know anything Christ related with that shit you pulled.” Johnny retorted.
Before he could rise to face him, Lorenzo barged in seething with anger toward Sawyer. “So you couldn’t even wait until the meeting to try and kill him?! You coward!” he barked. He reached for a gun and aimed it at Sawyer. “You couldn’t do it...” Sawyer said.
“You deserve this for trying to kill Johnny.”
“The fucker had it coming if you hadn’t barged in.”
“The cuts and bruises on you suggest you shouldn’t be braggadocios.”
“Pull the trigger, but I doubt you can.”
Johnny grabbed the gun from Lorenzo and said, “I certainly can, you rat bastard.” Sawyer was shot in-between the eyes and collapsed on the floor, lifeless.
“Forgive me for this, Lorenzo.” he said.
“You never had to apologize.” he replied.
Christie and the other penthouse residents rushed to the newly christened murder scene. “So Sawyer tried to finish him off and lost.” Ramdao began. “Gather your belongings and meet the others outside. I’m going to cleanse the room of his spirit.” “Be careful.” Meaghan said. “Believe me, I’ll be fine.” Ramdao assured.
He prepared himself to cleanse Sawyer’s spirit from the hotel. “Sawyer!” he barked.
“Show your spirit self to me this instant!” The ghost of Sawyer emerged from his dead body. “So this is what defeat feels like?” he asked. “Indeed it is.” Ramdao began. “I warned you not to let yourself be consumed by your jealous rage and now you’ve paid a terrible price.” Sawyer only started, “I wanted to get him out of the way...” before Ramdao gave him an earful. “Out of the way?! You weren’t even fighting for Lorenzo’s heart?! Shame on you!” Sawyer had only then realized what Ramdao had been warning him about this whole time. “What have I done?” he said. “Something that cannot be reversed; not even by my powers.” Ramdao replied. “I can give you a guaranteed spot in purgatory if you leave this place and into the spirit world.” Sawyer complied and with Ramdao’s incantation, he had been jettisoned to purgatory.
He gathered his resources and met the others outside. “Sawyer is in purgatory and he won’t be causing a ruckus anymore.” From there, Christie had Tarsus direct everyone to the 22 mile mark. Hours later, the quad (who had Johnny assume Sawyer’s position), Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus and Big Fucker had reached the 22 mile mark where new enemies made themselves known.
“What the fuck are these things?” Waluigi queried.
“Rabid and really delusional fans of Selena Gomez.” Christie asked.
“I thought they were Hindu women possessed by horrible spirits.” he replied.
“Good guess, but that little skank sullied them forever.” she noted.
The rabid and really delusional fans initiated attack when one lunged towards an entire faction of the army. The ensuing combat consumed four hours of their journey. Meaghan and Waluigi did what Christie had only dreamed of so far. They had ripped the spine out of a rabid and really delusional fan and whipped the others to death with said spine. “Cool!” Christie exclaimed. “Now make someone eat the spine!” “Ew, you sick little whore.” Waluigi replied.
Christie, with the help of Big Fucker, would grant her macabre wish. After a rabid and really delusional fan tried to attack, Big Fucker swung his fist and knocked the wind out of the fan. Christie then ripped the fan’s spine out and began to force feed it to the dying fan. “Who wants bony ‘num nums’? Who wants bony ‘num nums’?” she taunted. Those still in battle looked on in horror and disgust. “You sick whore.” a faction member said. “How are you going to sleep at night once we finish killing all these delusional twats?” an alliance leader asked.
“If you like, we can surrender right now.” the leader of the enemy offered.
“We still have to kill you.” Lorenzo said. He picked up the leader by the hair and had Johnny slice her throat open.
The rest of the melee wouldn’t have quite the sickening touch Christie demonstrated, but would prove a victory for the army. When the last rabid and really delusional fan met their end courtesy of Satchee stabbing them in their heart, the rest had declared that battle their best so far despite Christie’s finishing move.
“No offense, while it’s impressive that you can rip someone’s spine out, how you finished them off was fucking disgusting.” a horde member said.
“I understand that was a bit over the top, but somebody had to force feed a spine down someone’s throat at some point.” Christie insisted. “We never agreed to that challenge, but there’s bigger shit to deal with.” the horde member replied.
Meaghan then turned to Tarsus to direct everybody to the next major plot point; the epicenter of French and Greek fusion culture, Nouveau Antigone. Along the rest of the 8 mile journey, Lorenzo and Johnny grew even closer since they had reunited. “I’ll never understand why you followed along, but I don’t care to know anymore.” he said to Johnny. “It was just meant to be ever since we finished on each other in a Costa Amethyst alley.” he replied.
Hours later and having been fed up with the previous plot points by then, the quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus and Big Fucker had finally arrived in Nouveau Antigone. “Wow...” Big Fucker started. “It looks like a turd laid by a king or someone fancy.” “Yeah, that about fits the description of this place.” Christie concurred. As they continued in the city, they had noticed a rather tepid vibe from the citizens there. “They have to know of our previous actions to have formed such fear in our presence.” Tarsus noted. Then, a woman who three of the original quad knew of made herself known. “You three!” she began. “The dumb one, boring but bitchy one and the crazy bitch with the ring blade!”
Meaghan was floored. “You can’t possibly be who I think you are.”
“I am indeed, the woman who mistakenly brought you into this world out of being a mere Samaritan.” she answered.
The Haitian/Persian woman known as Maryam had finally met them face to face. “There’s supposed to be four of you. What happened to the second male?” she queried. “Well, he had a mental breakdown, tried to fight Johnny in a penthouse suite until Lorenzo shot his ass.” Christie replied. “What a shame.” Maryam said. “Don’t offer condolences.” Ramdao began. “He didn’t even fight for Lorenzo’s heart.” “What a stupid and preventable cause of death.” she replied. Maryam explained that she had been on the quad’s tail ever since the fertility clinic in Balboa Perla had explained the original quad’s lineage.
“I never thought that any Samaritan level of activity could lead to this.” she began. “I don’t want to kill you all. I just want to prevent you from needlessly killing like your lineage.” “Sweet intent, but you might be a little late for that.” Christie retorted. Maryam continued, “I mean I don’t want you all to kill more than the great evil you seek to vanquish.” “You know of the great evil?” Meaghan asked. “How could I not?” Maryam started.
“She looks like Tokyo Rose got fucked by a WNBA player and sings like a fashion model.” “Damn, you’re good.” Lorenzo began. “Travel with us to vanquish the great evil!”
The quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus, Big Fucker and the newly penthouse level promoted Maryam, traveled further along the main road of Nouveau Antigone. “We need to find a hotel big enough for all of us. Planning to vanquish the great evil will take all our mental efforts.” Ramdao said. “Any abandoned Hilton hotels up in this motherfucker?” Christie crudely queried. “No, but I found something twice as accommodating.” Satchee said.
She had been able to spot an abandoned Four Seasons hotel placed atop where a fortress once stood. “Ooooh.” an alliance leader said. “Why just stand here? Let’s move in.” Meaghan commanded. As they headed up the route, the head official of Nouveau Antigone tried to stop them. “Absolutely not!” he shouted. “We will not accommodate ruthless thugs like you!” Christie demanded to know why the head official was trying to derail the army from their main objective. The head official had begun the chain of events leading to the last mistake he would ever make. “Why do I have to answer to some Hot Topic nightmare such as you?” he condescendingly asked. Big Fucker advised, “Don’t piss her off. We’ve seen her force feed someone’s spine to them.” The head official scoffed at the notion Big Fucker made; that being the last mistake he would ever make. Christie lunged at him and tore his spine out and proceeded to force feed it to him. “Bony num-nums will make you all nice and dead! Eat the bony num-nums! Eat the bony num-nums!” she taunted.
“Dear God! She’s more savage than her mother and grandmother!” Maryam noted.
“Hold me.” a horde member said to its leader.
“She’s almost done, but don’t look yet.” the leader replied.
Christie had finished off the head official and directed everyone to the Four Seasons.
Having made the needed adjustments again and after settling in, Waluigi announced a meeting in the Foyer of Pending Bedlam. The entire army was clamoring at ideas as to how to vanquish the great evil. “All right everyone; shut the fuck up and let’s get to it!” Christie barked. “Now, Meaghan is going to relay her findings after consorting with Satchee, Ramdao, Tarsus and Maryam.”
Meaghan began by revealing that they had tracked down where the great evil was based in Nouveau Antigone. “She’s centered in a mega mansion near the town’s East outskirts. It’s a rather marsh like environment which requires a lot of energy to power through. That’s the good news.” The army grew confused. An alliance member asked, “What’s the bad news?” Meaghan replied, “The bad news is, she’s still away from her base. Townspeople hadn’t noticed her presence in about three months.” The crowd was outraged. “All this travel for seemingly nothing?” one shouted. “Not true.” Satchee began. “We can begin our conquest by destroying her mega mansion.” “That’s a brilliant idea!” a faction leader said.
“True, but we need to come up with an idea of destroying her base without all of us leaving the hotel.” Lorenzo started. “That way we can fend off stupid plot developments like all of our resources being destroyed while away or anything lame like that.”
“How about we hijack a military plane and Murphy’s Military Law #6 the fuck out of it?” Waluigi proposed. “What the fuck does that mean?” Meaghan asked. “Murphy’s Military Law #6: If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.” Waluigi replied.
“All in favor of an airstrike over a mega mansion shout ‘aye’.” Lorenzo commanded.
Every last person in the town of Nouveau Antigone and the Foyer of Pending Bedlam shouted “aye!” at the top of their lungs. “Anybody opposed to the idea?” Lorenzo asked. One faction member raised their hand. Christie shot him in-between the eyes. “No, it’s decided.”
After voting unanimously in favor of the plan, Christie, Waluigi, Big Fucker and Satchee hijacked a citizen’s Rolls-Royce and drove to the nearest military base. Spotting an aircraft worthy of their exploits, the four of them forcefully entered the base.
Guards there naturally tried to stop them, but found out that their purpose in life was to be “Asphalt Aioli” against the foursome there that night. As they encroached on their targeted plane, two airmen had accosted them. “Hold it right there!” one barked. “Who the hell are you two fuckers?!” Christie demanded. “We are Nouveau Antigone Airmen, you little bitch!” the other replied. Big Fucker would kill the other then and there. “You don’t talk to her like that.” He picked him up and threw him against a forklift where he died on impact. Christie then whispered to Waluigi, “Sneak to the plane and warm that bitch up.” He dashed to the plane while Christie and Satchee created a diversion by challenging the first airman in fight to the death.
He complied but soon learned his decision would have dire consequences. Satchee had subdued him and proceeded to give him the “Apache Leave-In Conditioner”. She took her tomahawk and dug into the top of his scalp and let it sit when she felt it needed just to see his blood pour out. Christie then decided to use a move she inherited from her mother and grandmother; the Croatian Buzzsaw. Making a table fit for her victim, she calibrated and spun her ring blade at top speeds. Then she grabbed the airman by his legs and jam him on the ring blade. The reverberating screams would be heard back at the Four Seasons. “Christie was certainly woven from same fabric as her predecessors with that move.” Maryam noted. About two swings later and the last posed threat to the operation would be eliminated.
“All done! Let’s play that airstrike the mega mansion game!” Christie evilly cheered. “Is she really human, Waluigi?” Satchee posed. “No, but she is an efficient little imp trapped in a troubled girl’s body.” he replied. Satchee then gave word of the success back to the hotel.
Meaghan replied, “Good. Now radio me in to the cockpit so I can direct Waluigi to the mega mansion.” Christie successfully transitioned the aircraft’s radio signals back to the Four Seasons. Waluigi prompted Meaghan if she could hear him. After confirming, she directed Christie, Satchee and Big Fucker back to the hotel.
“Alright, Waluigi.” Meaghan began. “From that military base, head to the Eastern outskirts of town.” “Roger that, you Cadbury cunt cream!” he replied.
“What the fuck was that for?”
“I’ve barely done shit since I killed some twatwaffle Captain back on the ferry!”
“Ok, but you could’ve just called me a bitch like everyone else does.”
“Just tell me when I’m supposed to be coming up on the mega mansion, bitch.”
“You’re within firing range, fucker.”
Waluigi was then prompted to use every last bullet in the plane’s turret guns whilst beginning the airstrike. 30 minutes later he reported that the bullets were emptied and that damage to the mansion was pretty minimal. She then instructed him to empty out every missile the plane had been carrying. An hour later, Waluigi was growing worried over his endurance. “I emptied the missiles but I don’t think I can do anymore.” “Grow some balls and drop the plane’s bombs on that bitch!” Christie demanded. He complied and with the bombs the plane had, the mega mansion was finally destroyed. “It’s all desolate now.” he told Meaghan. “Great work, Waluigi. Head back to the Four Seasons. Ramdao and Satchee will be waiting to provide medical services to you.”
Fortunately, Waluigi was able to land the fighter craft on top of the Four Seasons. Ramdao and Satchee had given him enough sustenance so he could feel re-energized and be able to take part in the follow up meeting for the next plan of action.
“The airstrike was a success.” Meaghan began. “Not a trace of the great evil’s mega mansion is left.” The army gave cheerful shouts for the operation’s success. Meanwhile, Tarsus reminded everyone, “While it is indeed great that the operation was a success, we need not forget that the great evil is still afoot.” “Where is that twat, anyway?” an alliance member pondered. Tarsus replied, “She’s currently causing misery in the city of Sao Bangkok. We have to move there now, if we want a clear cut chance of vanquishing her.” A faction member agreed. “That cunt is ruining the lives of the epicenter of Brazilian and Thai fusion culture. She must die the most horrible way imagined!” The rallying cries only worsened their bloodlust.
The next morning, the army gathered their belongings, burned down the Four Seasons and ventured towards Sao Bangkok. Meaghan had Tarsus relay how long until their destination. “It’ll be 38 miles until our destination.” “Plot points?” Christie asked. “I have no fucking clue.” Tarsus began. “This map wasn’t created with exact collective plot points for the journey.” “Fucking weak.” Christie retorted. “Well how long until the next plot point?” Tarsus looked at the map and replied, “14 miles until the next plot point!”
The quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus, Big Fucker and Maryam had traversed the 14 miles when a new facet of trouble had made themselves known. Their musk had Meaghan wonder, “Are we dealing with furries after an orgy in Texas heat?” “No...it’s much worse.” Lorenzo warned. “We’re dealing with rabid, delusional and soap allergic Larpers.” “Larpers?” she asked. “Live Action Role Players...some of the worst people on Earth if rabid, delusional and soap allergic like these fucking people.” Christie replied.
They gazed at the Larpers and saw that despite their grotesque appearances, they did pose a threat when they noticed their stances were very much correct. “We might be in for a fight longer than we ever wanted.” Satchee noted. “Let’s not take them lightly.”
Despite the musk they exuded, the Larpers not much else other than potential fighting potential. When the fighting commenced, the Larpers showed a rather keen understanding of Bojutsu and Jojutsu from their crude looking weapons. The bout consumed more time than the army had expected.
Lorenzo and Johnny would reverse their opponents’ attacks and smash their skulls in once opportunity had arisen. Christie and Big Fucker would take Larpers within their vicinity on their “Merry-Go-Round”; Big Fucker would swing Christie high then low slicing Larpers apart. “High then low; try to avoid me; you’re still to slow!” she taunted. Meaghan and Waluigi would unleash a devastating knife/Sigma Sword and Shield combo. Waluigi would toss his knife in the air, pinpoint its maximum velocity and kick it towards a charging Larper. Meaghan would then beat the knife from their body with a powerful shield attack before slicing their throat with her sword. Satchee and Ramdao had preserved enough of their “supertoxin” for their weapons. Then they proceeded to numb and eventually kill their share of Larpers. Tarsus and Maryam would fuse grace into their onslaught of Larpers. Maryam’s arachnid-esque martial arts would often end with her high heels crushing into the skulls of her opponents. Tarsus would lure his prey to a small nook in the landscape. Once collected to his liking, he thrust his “Ambassador” naginata through them all and waited for the last of their blood to drain.
Alliances, hordes and factions each held their own against the Larpers, but their leader demanded a one on one match with the one he deemed weakest; Maryam. “This group may have vanquished my men, but that arachnid woman did very little.” he said. She would go on to prove him very wrong. She lunged at him; wrapped her body around him and proceeded to break every bone in his body in a domino effect. She unwrapped herself and had Christie give over her gun. Maryam then looked at the fallen leader and said, “Make sure there’s soap in hell for you.”
After having shot the leader, she and the army headed to the next plot point as Tarsus read from his map. “Another 14 miles until the next pending battle!” he announced. They had trekked 13.5 miles when a benefactor appeared before them. A young woman named Calliope who advised the army over something to apply to their weapons stock. “This very weapon I bestow to you is for your leader; whoever that may be.” she began. After even Christie agreed that Lorenzo was the leader due to his status as the first born of the original quad, Calliope explained the weapon’s significance.”
“In your hands, this sword can unleash the very wrath of God.” she said.
“Is there any catch?” Lorenzo began. “Like I can’t use this until I’m in the presence of the great evil?”
“Oh goodness no.” she replied. “No catch whatsoever.”
“I thank you for this gift and invite you to join our forces.” Lorenzo said.
Calliope expressed her reservations about joining the ranks. Eventually she decides to drop her guard and join up with the quad’s army.
The quad, Ramdao, Waluigi, Satchee, Tarsus, Big Fucker, Maryam and Calliope ventured the last half a mile before being faced with their next adversaries. Rabid fans of Ke$ha that had designated themselves into a crude militia known as “The Glitter Punk Collective”. “They look positively filthy alive.” Calliope began. “Perhaps death can cleanse them from us and maybe clean them up a little.” “Holy shit.” Meaghan noted. “I was not expecting that from her. Christie maybe, but not her.” Johnny pointed out, “Christie would’ve mentioned something about whipping a bitch to death with their spine.” “You have a point.” Meaghan replied.
The very sight of The Glitter Punk Collective made Christie’s blood boil. “They’re punk like bald is a hair color. They must die by my hands the most.” Their leader, Derelict, taunted his
opponents into fighting him and his collective. “Come you little worms and let us stomp all over you.” That would be the last mistake he would make as the most one sided slaughtering of the journey yet had occurred. Derelict was instantly killed when Christie said, “Look; a bullet.” and he was shot in-between the eyes. “Once again, they never think to duck.” Christie muttered.
The rest of the collective were just as unlucky as Derelict. Half of them had been burned alive when Ramdao had recited an incantation. Their charred beings scared the ones who had yet to die and they would have it much worse. One fourth of those left would be taken on Christie and Big Fucker’s “Merry-Go-Round”. “Up then down; kind of like you; only my ride’s still around!” she taunted. All but one would be spared by the alliances, hordes and factions as they demonstrated some of their strongest combat to date. A faction leader asked the quad, “What do we do this one?”
Christie had the answer. “Oh I know what this one needs; I just need a kanabo, club soda and salt.” Lorenzo looked at her and said, “Please don’t resurrect what I think you want to.” Christie merely chortled at him and said, “Why not? It’ll be oodles of fun. That and it’ll get this one to shut the fuck up forever.” Lorenzo turned to the army and said, “Don’t look; this is the foulest move we know of. Please, you’ll be better off if you don’t look.”
The army complied and heard the exact reasons why Lorenzo had advised them not to look in Christie’s direction. Vicious swings of the kanabo had been cracking through the last collective member’s body. Christie was performing the “Japanese Club Soda”
“Oh God!” a horde member said. “That sounds bloody fucking awful!”
“How long is she going to this?” an alliance leader asked.
“Any second past now is pure excess.” a faction member replied.
“Wait; is she about to pour club soda and salt in the wounds?” an alliance member asked.
The agonizing screams indicated that answer. “Let that fucker die peacefully Christie!” the army pleaded. “For God’s sake, Big Fucker is puking over here!” Though she wouldn’t listen to them. Just as it seemed it wouldn’t get any worse, Christie uttered these words; “Maybe you won’t die yet because it’s not that ‘time of the month’ for you. Maybe if I pull a string you’ll die quicker.”
“Please tell me Christie is not going to shove a used tampon down that fucker’s throat.” The gagging and choking proved otherwise. The army pried Christie off of her prey and shot them in the head. “I’d rather you force feed his spine than hear that again!” a faction leader demanded. “Fine, no more of that.” Christie reluctantly agreed. “If I haven’t sullied the entire map with my vomit...” Tarsus began. “We have 10 miles to go on our journey to Sao Bangkok.”
###End of Act I###