The Voice S9: Holiday JEERS

Happy Holidays fans of the NBC Program with Ratings! Even though we've been good to the show, we're about to get the worst gift ever...well at least this will suck for me.

See, for 9 seasons I have never voted for the winner with exception to Craig Wayne Boyd to prevent Matt McAndrew's undeserving ass of getting the title. Javier Colon, Jermaine Paul, Bitch who robbed Cody Belew, Amanda Brown and Melanie Martinez, Bitch who robbed Michelle Chamuel and Sasha Allen, Bitch who robbed Jacquie Lee, Josh Kaufman, Sawyer Fuckwit Fredericks and now Jordan Smith/overrated pompous and detached jagoff will be among those I hated but have gone on to win this show.

iTunes voting NEEDS TO BE ABOLISHED

Seriously, since S3, iTunes voting went from kitschy little way to support some of the music made by contestants on the show to erasing the underdog story arc from a possible upset. SCREW EVERYTHING...here's how the last 5 minutes of the show AKA the outcome of rigging this shit of the votes...

4th place: Jeffery Austin of Team Gwen. *sighs* You had potential, dude. Too bad Gwen sucks

3rd place: Barrett Baber of Team Blake. 3rd too high but whatever.

2nd place: Emily Ann Roberts of Team Blake. THAT'S a surprise.

"WINNER"/proof iTunes voting needs to be abolished: Jordan Smith. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You strained vocal hack! You've never given a good performance!

Thanks for nothing. Now I eat out of anger.

As of today I'm pretty much swearing off the show. No interesting contestants have ever been allowed to exist peacefully, the coaches suck, the voting block is stupid and I HATE EVERYTHING. UNLESS country voters are BANNED from voting and/or types like Jordan Smith NEVER happen again, I am off this Voice ship. Thanks for 9 seasons of questionable entertainment at best.

The Voice S9: Jord-ASS Jeans

Tonight marks the first installment of the second worst winner of The NBC Program with Ratings' coronation (The She-Devil of S3 shall always be the worst winner. ALWAYS). While Jeffery Austin was never a pure favorite due to the Sam Smith vibes he never got out of, he will be the last chance worth taking for the "spared"/favorites.

As for the contestants voted through Team Blake blind loyalty? Congratulations; once again, country singers have taken the place of much more worthy contestants who sing actual genres of music.

Hey Blake and Blake voters...right here, you chicken-fried twits.

Pharrell being out of the competition is sort of worth it considering how hard he screwed Evan McKeel over but sad because Madi Davis is out of the running.

Now comes the time to see one last solo performance a duet that means nothing AND a holiday song. Let's just play rough and get it on!


Jeffery Austin

Solo: "Stay" by Sugarland...FUCKING REALLY? Gwen, you are fired from life for allowing this song into Jeffery's repertoire. At least he gets credit for applying his I Can't Believe It's Not Sam Smith vibes to the song.

Duet: "Leather and Lace"...isn't this the song Casey Weston defeated Tim Mahoney in S1 to? Jeffery was good but the "black vs. white" color scheme of the staging and Gwen's outfit was partially distracting. What the lemon-scented FUCK was she wearing? Was she trying to serve 2018 Winter Olympics realness or what?

Holiday: "O Holy Night"...O_O well of all the nights to sound off-key and like pitch was an issue in the beginning. I think you're pretty Jeffery, but that performance was terrible.


"Aw-hell Adkins"

Solo: -_______- "Climb Every Mountain" from The Sound of Music...a song blessed by Lady Gaga on TV? STEP OFF, YOU HORRIBLE LESSER. I hate his singing every week so this time, it's the set design that'll earn my ire. How are you going to have a scaled down version of Quan Chi's revenant pool from Mortal Kombat X? On top of that what's with the White After Labor Day Chorus Line?

Duet: "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys; God only knows why Adele's before picture is still there. Now...of the coaches duet choices, naturally Blake is the worst ["Rhinestone Cowboy"? Really bitch?] but Adam comes a close second with this. The Beach Boys were played out by their 5th song.

Holiday: "Mary Did You Know"...I hated this one too. Hype never gets me excited/riled up, etc. I've always hated his strained vocals and detached persona of "I'm so ~unique~ but people in Kentucky think I'm so 'weird'..." but apparently, "SOOOOOOOOO MANY" people can't be wrong. -__-


"Chicken Fried Chicken" & "Miranda BLAND-bert" performed as well, but country = who gives a shit?


Predictions: The show has made it less than subtle that they want Jordan Smith to win and he doesn't deserve it. The predictions around are for 2nd place/possible upset, though an "upset" would mean the show wants an underdog and that was killed with iTunes voting.

Jeffery Austin making it to the finale is already a huge achievement for Gwen...however, the Jordan stans along with the Chicken Fried Frau for country voters will most likely have Jeffery in 4th place.

Barrett Baber got through for no good goddamn reason other than his sob story being milked "farm fresh" every other week. He could place 2nd ahead of Emily-Ann or 3rd ahead if Jeffery stans vote and get him 2nd (Sorry Emily-Ann, but you're 3rd-4th anyway. Congrats on advancing, though.)

2nd place/upset territory is either Jeffery or Barrett's for the taking; probably Barrett since that Southern fried voting block likes to fuck things up for everyone.

All in all, I'll hate the winner of S9 and will have pretty much had enough with the show and its voting block. Recap the results tomorrow! (Remember to pay attention in the last 5 minutes)

The Voice S9: Safety First-Third

In the words of Sean "P. Diddy" Combs on Making The Band Season 3 (Part II), "It's time to CUT SOME ASSES!" on the NBC Program with Ratings. 9 singers entered, 3 were good but 4 move on to the finale (Granted, the overrated Jordan Smith/"Aw-hell Adkins" will be occupying space in the finale).

Even the magic of Dolly Parton and her giving to charity in the form of Crap-a-dee NOPE/She-Devil of S3 can overshadow the fact that the finale is next week. Will I be around for finale night or will I just recap the Finale Results?

Let's play rough and get it on!


SAFE: "Aw-hell Adkins" of Team Adam; not even 4 minutes after the show, it was bragged about by his tasteless legion that he had hit #1 on iTunes, thus proving iTunes voting must be abolished from the show.

SAFE: "Miranda BLAND-bert" of Team Blake; -________- Well my faith in S9 is pretty much getting whacked tonight.

SAFE: "Chicken Fried Chicken" of Team Blake; Yup...I hate this shit. S9 will forever suck like S6.


APPARENTLY, it is so bad if anybody I like to make the finale for this show first.


BOOTED: Braiden Sunshine; go back to school, honey. BYE

BOOTED: Amy Vachal; the Cafe is closed, sweetie. BYE

BOOTED: Shelby Brown; iTunes was never on her side even though she was consistent. Good luck Shelby.


Up for East Coast Twitter save: Jeffery Austin, Madi Davis & "Viva Laughlin"

SURVIVED: Jeffery Austin...I can live with a sexy winner of S9 in him.

BOOTED: Zach Seabaugh (THANK GOD) & Madi Davis. Pharrell is 4th place and considering he made Sawyer Fredericks a thing...serves him right.
Madi was 3rd in voting and I hate Zach fans so much.

The Voice S9: Choppin' 9 to 4

...what a way to make a clearance! The NBC Program with Ratings has a weird tradition of what actually gets shown; 400 hours of Battle Rounds, 2,603,040 hours of needless banter by coaches who can't coach knockoff purses and at times .3 seconds of contestants trying to sing live. Weird as fuck, right?

Needless fuckery aside, this week is special as all 9 of the remaining contestants were mentored by Dolly Parton. Yeah, the country music Pamela Anderson breast joke...I mean superstar was there [and at some point will perform or will have performed "Coat of Many Colors" with that She-Devil of S3 AKA The OTHER Pope I hate].


***NOTE: After 3 performances, it was apparent that Dolly Parton and co. are performing TOMORROW night as this mentored thing never made it to air this week...

As to how this 9 to 4 thing works, it works like this; the bottom 3 in voting are automatically axed. Then the Top 3 in voting are in automatically. The middle 3 (middle "3" my ass; there's been WAY more than 3 middle contestants on this season) are the ones who sing for East Coast Twitter to determine which one gets to stay. So in some way it's like the Voice Save but with 2 death spots instead of 3.

The "spared" of Jeffery Austin, Madi Davis and Shelby Brown look to be screwed by this system even with Jeffery having the 2nd most iTunes bonuses of S9 behind "Aw-hell Adkins" of Team Adam. Madi could end up in the middle group while Shelby looks to be screwed the most as she's been called towards the back for almost every elimination thus far.

Of the "shelf" contestants, "Aw-hell Adkins" is safe because singing a terrible Sia song as terribly as Sia and being one of the most overrated contestants in Voice history is enough "goodwill" for the public. -_- Team Blake blind loyalty could also screw everything up as he's only placed 2nd in S1 and 3rd in S5. With any luck, "Viva Laughlin" and "Miranda BLAND-bert" are booted alongside whoever of the good contestants gets gypped. "Vanilla Intract" could be in the finale as well even though she doesn't deserve it. If "Chris Colf-slaw" makes the finale I SET FIRE TO THE RAIN.

I've had it with contemplation; let's just play rough and get it on!

The "Shelf"

"Aw-hell Adkins"- Closing out the Top 9...-______- BLAM this hack. It's in vain but BLAM, BLAM, BLAM do not vote for this hack. He ended up with one of Cody Belew's signature numbers, "Somebody to Love" by Queen. HELL TO THE NO...JESUS, IYANLA AND OTHERS CANNOT FIX THIS BLASPHEMY.

"Vanilla Intract"- 8th of the night; she ended up with "To Make You Feel My Love" by Bob Dylan. He's a big deal or something. She was instructed to "Norah Jones"/"Cafe" this song but make it her special blend of BLAH-TTE.

/*cue Coffee commercial reading voice*

With Amy Vachal signature label BLAH-TTE with "Vanilla Intract", you can be the type who can enjoy a cafe style performance but not worry about having to actually enjoy the artist in question.
Amy Vachal signature label BLAH-TTE with "Vanilla Intract" is made with the most marginal of artistic resources and is endorsed by the likes of Adam "Get me a sandwich" Levine.

Amy Vachal signature label BLAH-TTE with "Vanilla Intract"; for when you think Madi Davis is too hardcore and angsty!

/*end coffee commercial reading voice*

"Chris Colf-slaw"- 4th of the night; -______- he ended up blaspheming "Amazing Grace". In the words of The Legends Panel member "Whitney Houston"..."My Jesus can't fix it; maybe John the BAPTIST..."

"Chicken Fried Chicken"- 1st if the night; BAHAHAHAHAHAHA he got the death spot. He ended up being assigned "Ghost" by Ella Henderson [...give yourself time to look her up through Wikipedia]. Apparently, the set design was predicting that this square was just going to be there and do nothing. The brief of wanting to "swamp" up this song wasn't helping him to being with nor was his lower register which sounded so bum, it was asking for a quarter.
After realizing this song had been recycled after montage victim and robbed Battle Round casualty Cassandra Robertson sang this for her fucking Blind Audition, I also realized Barrett made this supposed to be short performance sound like it was going on for 15 minutes. GURL. BYE.

"Miranda BLAND-bert"- 7th of the night; "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton...that's the song she should have NEVER been assigned. I like drag queens in Nashville were reading her for filth in our minds. On top of her bland, middling, terrible vocals GURL HAD NO STAGE PRESENCE. In the words of Milan from S4 of RuPaul's Drag Race, "Gurl, this is Drag RACE; not Drag WALK."

"Viva Laughlin"- 5th of the night; He ended up with "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. I hate him, but DAMN on giving him THAT song to do; he isn't that terrible. He still sucks vocally, but he did give emotional depth (That thing Dez Duron never quite could even though in looks, Dez still wins there.)

The Spared

Madi Davis- 6th of the night; she ended up being assigned "Big Girls Don't Cry" by The Four Seasons. In terms of vibe, this actually made sense; vintage but not totally out there in the name attempted artistry. Come showtime, her style proved she had been the most consistent performer of S9. Even with the set design looking like Gwen Stefani's video for "Cool", Madi thrived in that environment.

Jeffery Austin- 3rd of the night; -_______- so much for that underdog story arc. He ended up with "Believe" by Cher. GAY ANTHEM UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER! Then he proceeds to reveal that this will be done [not a la Elton John like Gwen tried to point out] in a Sam Smith style. -________________- Set design is shady as fuck as he started out in a LIT. DOORWAY. THE SHADE of it all.
His singing did possess a nice clarity and developed projection even with the Sam Smith vibes [which isn't singing ability but presentation]. At least he has a confirmed swan song. T_T

Shelby Brown- 2nd of the night; yup, she's screwed in terms of performance number. "Even God Must Get the Blues" by Jo Dee Messina was picked by her because it's her favorite song. Come showtime, she has established that she was about being one of these "movers" in terms of performance. By that, I mean she's the type of singer that attempts to be "moving" or be a "tear-jerker" type of singer. At the very least, she has technical and a bit of emotive skill. Adam didn't fuck up coaching but producers did not see it for her given her order number for performances.

All in all, fandoms look to erupt all over The NBC Program with Ratings' Twittersphere.

The Voice S9: READING Rainbow

Take a look; inside this book & find your picture there, bitch. It's time to find out yet again how the voting block for The NBC Program with Ratings could potentially piss me off worse than in seasons past.

Keeping in mind that from the Top 10 it goes to 9 and from there, 5 contestants get the chop, this and next week could look to be my last times recapping S9 until the Finale Results show. So let's find out what type of fuckery transpired and if a "shelf" contestant gets the boot this week...

SAFE:

- "Miranda BLAND-bert" from Team Blake -_-
- "Aw-hell Adkins" from Team Adam -_-

Yup, I'm going to hate this season too...though it'll be somewhat intriguing to watch Dolly Parton mentor the 9 remaining contestants. WURQ

- Jeffery Austin of Team Gwen! YAY! The pretty contestant remains!
- "Chicken Fried Chicken" of Team Blake -_-

The pretty contestant remains! SPREAD THE WORD!

- Madi Davis of Team Pharrell! HALLELUJAH AND NOT THAT OVER-COVERED SONG!
- "Vanilla Intract" of Team Adam -_-

So 1 favorite and the sexy Ginger Sam Smith impersonator are left...WILL Shelby survive or will I have to cut a bitch to where they need Neosporin Pain Relief Plus of the soul?

- "Viva Laughlin" of Team Blake -_- -_- -_- -_-
- Shelby Brown of Team Adam! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAS

BOTTOM 2: "Z-UGH-eey Deschanel" & "Chris Colf-slaw" of Team Gwen. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS the terrible contestants are in the bottom! YAAAAAAAAAAAAS GAWD HUNNY! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!

"Z-UGH-eey" got the death spot [went first] AND FORGOT THE WORDS. *stunned at the poetic justice* The coaches proceed to say some dumb shit to justify her needed place in the competition.

First off, Blake her efforts or what she puts out there is THE REASON she's been in the bottom for now 3 weeks in a row!

Second, don't act like saving someone based on fucking up lyrics should matter more than overall ability which she AND her opponent tonight lack.

Anyway, "Chris Colf-slaw" mangled his way through his bottom 2 song. The verdict would lie in the hands of the public and whether or not pity votes would be counted in "Z-UGH-eey's" favor.

East Coast Twitter saved: "Chris Colf-slaw" of Team Gwen

BOOTED: Korin Bukowski after her 3rd time in the bottom 2. Pity votes mean nothing tonight, chicky. You'll hear worse from better people so get gone and become worry free.

Well, join me next time for the Top 9 turned TOP 4 BLOODBATH!

The Voice S9: Tens and CHOPS

The NBC Program with Ratings may have ten contestants left, but in reality 2 maybe 3 contestants are getting "10s" or credit while the rest of them are getting "CHOPS" like Bermuda and Vidalia onions.

Due to the forecast of me hating Season 9's outcome, I shall provide stratus cloud overcast/elm forest at night levels of shade and public library levels of reading for the rest of the season. The "spared" contestants are Madi Davis & Shelby Brown due to being the only 2 talented contestants left and Jeffery Austin because he's pretty and due to the fact he's Gwen's only chance in hell at not being 3rd or 4th place (Not to mention he's not getting rid of the Sam Smith vibes due to societal conditions/lies that Sam is a good singer.)

As for the rest of the field? Time to go lawn mower and CHOP them down to size; time to be like nerds in a school library and read them page to page before putting them back on the shelf; time to clock them like Omega in the Olympic Games...


Let's play rough and get it on!

The "shelf"

"Aw-hell Adkins"- 7th of the night, this song selection of "Hallelujah" as known by Jeff Buckley really does exemplify his very presence; overrated and in need of a serious departure. The staging was at one point bland blue lighting and Mayan Pyramid realness. Make it seem like that 2012 scare and vanquish him now! I am forever friends with the mute button and also wondering about the random shadow choir people in front of him when singing ("Perhaps montaged contestants of The Voice past?" Bitch, they might be.)

"Vanilla Intract"- 6th of the night; she ended up with "Bye Bye Bye" by N*SYNC. -_______- FELICIA; get the fuck on out. At one point Adam wanted the intent of this to be "bluesy and cool". GURL, get the fuck on out. The performance was just like the weird tree design she was singing in; dead and stiff.

"Chris Colf-slaw"- 3rd of the night; he ended up with "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons. I have a question for Gwen; do you translate "critique" as "haircut"/"makeover" in your distorted mind? You could shave the liner notes of No Doubt's last album into his hair but it won't hide the fact that 1. his hair looked like a Jewish cockatoo and 2. that's not critique and that song swallowed his struggle vocals like food in the mouth of the hungry (And don't get me started on the fact his styling this week made me think "Jack Osbourne has a long lost son?")

"Z-UGH-eey Deschanel"- 5th of the night; she ended up with "Same Old Love" by Selena Gomez. "Z-UGH-eey" ended up doing the Same Old SHIT. Gwen is on a Don Quixote/Man of La Mancha style quest of impossible goal in trying to instill a sincere personality in "Z-UGH-eey". The stage, outfit, whole damn environment was red but her singing as expected was bleak and full of disappointment.

"Viva Laughlin"- 8th of the night; he ended up with "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen. I AM NO Queen stan or fan even by ANY stretch but I wanted Freddie Mercury to rise from the grave and bitchslap him to kingdom come. The performance ended up being one of the tackiest and poorly executed since Nic Hawk of S5.

"Chicken Fried Chicken"- Closing out the night; he ended up singing "I’d Just Love to Lay You Down" by Conway Twitty. -_- CONWAY TWITTY? BITCH he wasn't even mainstream popular outside of maybe May of 1973. YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF LIFE with such niche fuckery. Like a commercial for allergy medication airing in Arkansas, his vocals were nasal and Southern.

"Miranda BLAND-bert"- 2nd of the night; here's a Johnny Carson style riddle for you..."stiff, white and country; name 3 comparisons between this contestant's vocals, a dog's favorite bone tree and country, creamy gravy." Yeah, she sang "She's Got You" by Patsy Cline.

The "spared"

- Madi Davis- 9th of the night; she ended up singing "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper. I'll allow this. The "stripped down" version plays into her aesthetic but this is starting to become problematic; is she really diverse/versatile? I hoped so until the Kenny G realness kicked in. Then, her magical voice showed "Vanilla Intract" how to "cafe" a song but make it FIERCE.

- Shelby Brown- 4th of the night; she sang "Go Rest High on that Mountain" by Vince Gill in the memory of her grandfather (Which had wonderful meaning but got lost in some giraffe related fuckery.) Cheap tactic of playing into the "we've all lost someone" trope aside, there was a bit of Holly Tucker from S4 flashback realness in this performance. Theatrics are her friend here and despite the song choice being a touch monotonous, there was something rather pleasing about this.

- Jeffery Austin- 1st of the night and HOLY FUCK, REALLY? The first spot? UGH, fuck you all; he ended up singing "Jealous" by Labrinth. DEAR GOD did the Sam Smith vibes come through again. Not even the subtle theatrics could cover up the fact that Jeffery was being set up by Gwen and/or co. Well, at least he had his swan song last week...


That's all the patience I had for this episode. Read with me tomorrow at the results. See you then!

The Voice S9: And Let Us Pray...

...for 1 of the 7 "shelf" souls from last night for a safe flight back to where the fuck they come from. Yes, it's results night for the Top 11 of the NBC Program with Ratings.

Last night went over as expected where 7 people got more time than they deserve over the 3 good souls and 1 sparing out of sex appeal and pity (If not Jeffery Austin AKA "Ginger Sam Smith" who else of the contestants has sex appeal? EXACTLY). It's time to find out how The Voice Voting Electorate (AKA The Dunce Tank) voted and how many of the "spared" actually get to stay.

Team Adam: "Vanilla Intract" was saved first [iTunes place @ #4...BOOOOOOOO]; "Aw-hell Adkins" was saved 4th; Shelby Brown was saved 9th and all of Team Adam moved on.

Team Pharrell: Madi Davis was saved 5th; THANK GOD;

Team Gwen/4th Place: "Chris Colf-slaw" was saved second overall; -_-; Jeffery Austin was saved 7th;

Team Blake: "Viva Laughlin" was saved 3rd; "Miranda BLAND-bert" was saved 6th; "Chicken Fried Chicken" was saved 8th and all of that Mason-Dixon shit moved on.


I should've smelled trouble when after 6 saves, only Madi was declared safe. Thankfully, the electorate weren't TOTALLY stupid, but I'll save them for their reading session later...


The Bottom 2: Evan McKeel and "Z-UGH-eey Deschanel". Trouble was brewing again when Evan went first which in "Voice Save" land is code for "plane ticket home". O_O "Z-UGH-eey" was terrible as always.

East Coast Twitter Saved: "Z-UGH-eey Deschanel". I HATE YOU ALL AND I DEMAND CRACKED TEMPLES ON YOU ALL.

BOOTED: Evan McKeel and I BLAME PHARRELL.


Well, yet again a favorite of mine is out while lessers and AIN'T SHIT people are still in the competition. Evan may have been another white guy trying to sing soul, but at least he showed more vocal promise and talent than hacks like "Aw-hell Adkins", all of Team Blake and that goddamn fake quirky HACK known as "mini-me Gwen".

ALL of The Voice Voting Electorate need a seasoned ass-whooping by not only me in spirit, but the spirits of the good contestants you've let fall to the wayside because you're willing to buy or support talentless wastes of DNA for reasons including but not limited to:

- Team Blake blind loyalty

- One contestant of Team Blake in particular has a plane crash sob story but the inability to reach artistic altitudes [Barrett]

- One contestant is considered "different" by Kentucky standards only. [Jordan]

- One contestant is so beige, her birth certificate is actually a sample of Georgia-Pacific drywall [Amy]

- One contestant is the size of a keychain with MEGA sized levels of suck [Braiden]

and one contestant has the most GRATING attempted schtick of "quirkiness" I've ever seen on TELEVISION. Yes, in one season there's a contestant I hate just as much as Juliet Simms, Cassadee Pope, Judith Hill, Tessanne Chin, Christina Grimmie, Ryan Sill, Sugar Joans, Nic Hawk, Team Adam S7 live playoffs onward contestants, The Swon Brothers, Danielle Bradbery, Sawyer Fredericks and Ellie Lawrence combined [just to name a "few"]...

Korin "Melanie Martinez Wannabe" Bukowski. How she managed to get through the Blind Auditions is a bigger mystery than the heads of Easter Island. She's the embodiment of a poser who pretends to be "so quirky" when really she exudes unpleasantness like it's her blood type.
Never in my days of watching the show have I ever loathed a contestant this much for not just her terrible pitch, enunciation, stage presence, etc. Her "I'm so quirky and different but sad" schtick is so fucking fabricated and a half. Hell, Gwen's trying the fairy Godmother role by dyeing her hair blonde and pretending like a makeover will improve the fact her singing sucks and that she has no personality of her own.

To her fanbase on Twitter: just stop. Your taste level indicates tattered tericloth instead of warm wool blanket or Egyptian cotton. You all have Helen Keller's ear for music; you are worse than the Jagged Little Sills from S7. I hate you for falling for fake quirk and I am through.

Read and recap next week!

ALL MALE (Music) REVIEW SPECIAL: "Boys Like You" by Who Is Fancy ft. Meghan Trainor & Ariana Grande

In a special post, I will be reviewing the music video for a new artist that answers to the stage name Who Is Fancy (And someone needs to answer Why The Fuck his stage name is Who Is Fancy). Wikipedia says he's a recent music act discovered by Scooter Braun [the one responsible for Ariana Grande & He Who Inspired Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber], Scott Borchetta [the one who made Taylor Swift happen] & is co-signed by producer Dr. Luke...

It's also revealed that he opened for both Meghan Trainor and Ariana Grande thus explaining why they're on this track. "Boys Like You" is the second ever song released by him so he's new as fuck. In this 3:14 length song (Well look who learned from Meghan Trainor...) and 3:25 length video edit, BLY is an innocuous pop song essentially saying "I'd break the rules for that bomb dick tho" but in the subtext of a pop song.

For this special review, I'll break down the thoughts I have in terms of music and then video. Cool? Great, now shut up and read...


Music- Who Is Fancy opens up the song and it's clear he learned this much at the Meghan Trainor Institute of Pop; ALWAYS make the chorus have more substance than the verse/s. His singing is actually decent when the non-processed part [the very beginning or before "feeling guilty" onward] is being played.

Trainor in turn handles the second verse and in terms of recorded singing, this is her most dynamic effort on a blatantly pop effort yet. Granted the total time on her verse feels about a minute long at best (Or on Trainor-Time, 10 minutes of writing). Still, the innocuous pop kween adds just enough depth to elevate this from guilty pleasure to not bad.

Grande handles the last verse and...I normally like what she does, but her entire section feels like such an afterthought especially when the line "Know you wanna take a bite of my cherry pie" is sung [for those of you who don't know, "cherry pie" in music terms is in reference to vagina. Blame a group called Warrant for starting that.] Grande and featuring go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly but if she plays second or third banana, someone needs to put more effort into the songwriting. Be innocuous but NEVER like Icona Pop.

Overall, the song is catchy as fuck but I then realized this is essentially a tawdry version of "Clumsy" by Fergie.


Video- The video for BLY is cute even with the overall plot being Grande and Trainor helping Who Is Fancy catch the attention of a pool-boy. In cartoon style animation to add deliciously tacky points.


So, give this song a listen to (Trust me, you'll have time) as it's a case of innocuous pop music with effort.

The Voice S9: Let Us Give Thanks...

...for the fact that READING IS FUNDAMENTAL. By that I mean, the time-honored tradition of elevated, artistic and lethally creative shit-talking. Cyrano de Bergerac realness, bitch. Or in a modern context, channeling music industry legend [give or take her last 3 albums, performance at the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas Tree lighting and publicity stunt known as #1 to Infinity] and the shadiest pop diva in history, Mariah Carey.

Yes, I have grown tired and pissed at the fact that the NBC Program with Ratings is telegraphing the Glee Project looking no-talent existence of Jordan Smith as the winner of S9. Also, I'm tired of seeing contestants I like fall to the wayside for other talentless and sob-story ridden hacks like Korin Bukowski and Barrett Baber "respectively". (Those not mentioned? I'll save them for later...)

Instead of my traditional recaps, I shall instead dedicate this week to reading 7 of these 11 contestants page to page, period to period, etc. while giving thoughtful critiques as to the contestants left that I deem good. [Jeffery Austin shall be spared as well, but he isn't a favorite.] It's open season up in this bitch...YAAAAAAAAAAS


Let's play rough and BLAST OFF!

The Shelf (the section where the READ contestants go)

Amy Vachal AKA "Vanilla Intract" (As extracting anything from her is more Herculean than his 12 Labors.) 5th of the night, Vanilla Intract was slated to sing "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift. Way to make me feel bad for her, VI. Her performance was a step in the right direction as she was actually able to keep her eyes open for at least a picosecond. Other than that, the folksy/storytime/cafe arrangement highlighted her inability to emote anything except complacency when not outright being terrible as a vocalist.

Jordan Smith AKA "The Glee Project" BKA "Aw-hell Adkins"- 9th of the night...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself here. He ended up singing "Who You Are" by Jessie J in the name of trying to breathe life into her catalog...also some self-confidence anthem realness in life thing. His singing once again reveals the hype machine can skip some oil changes as this dude is TERRIBLE. Not a successful belt; not a resonant note; so much strain in his vocals, I swore they were training for a marathon. BYE FELICIA, I don't see it for you.

Korin Bukowski AKA "Z-UGH-eey Deschanel"- 4th of the night and she performed "Only Hope" by Mandy Moore. HUNNY; nothing says "contemporary taste" like a song by a failed pop-tart that couldn't beat Jessica Simpson in 1999. As for Z-UGH-eey's singing? Well, I'd award her 3rd place in a school pageant or talent show. Still, her highest note sounded forced, underdeveloped and she head the nervous system of a leaf whilst performing.

Barrett Baber AKA "Chicken Fried Chicken" (Due to the fact his country ass is redundant and unoriginal)- 3rd of the night, CFC here sang some Tanya Tucker song while looking like the uncle of American Idol footnote, Scotty McCreary [sp...oh wait; country. DON'T. CARE.] In a nice way, I'll say this; his vocals were so nasal, Zyrtec, Nasonex, Allegra and Claritin want a piece of him in court.

Emily Ann Roberts AKA "Miranda BLAND-bert"- 10th of the night. It's country so WHO CARES, right? It was a song by the Judds, country sounding...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Zach Seabaugh AKA "Viva Laughlin" (I'm no Elvis fan by any stretch, but the comparisons of Zach to Elvis is like comparing a Daewoo to a 50s Chevrolet Corvette; foolish, unneeded and sad.) 6th of the night, all this performance was revolving around was the allegation that he has "heartthrob" status...so does cardiac arrhythmia, bitch. He sang some tubid country song I didn't care about during, after or before tonight. His singing was dated by 15 years and the staging? GURL, I didn't know the Mayo Clinic MRI section and NuvaRing had a partnership for those lights on the damn stage.

Braiden Sunshine AKA "Anything But His Real Name" BKA "Chris Colf-slaw"- 8th of the night; he ended up singing "True" by Spandau Ballet. What added to the fail of this was the brief of relating this to a Michael Buble performance...GWEN; just stop and accept 4th place now. His singing while not terrible per usual was still more than able to swallow him save a note that if not held out for 4.6 seconds would've been bearable. Alas, the keychain sized singer kind of tanked thanks to Gwen...and his limited abilities.

The Spared

Madi Davis (favorite)- 7th of the night; "Love is Blindness" by U2 was given to her. -___________- WHY must you poison us with a bad U2 song Pharrell? Can't you have taste and have her make "Vertigo" go from mediocre to "chic" and tasteful? DAMN. Her performance was great vocally but the staging people need to stop dropping acid before the show. A red piano is pushing it but fanned out fabric in the background is stupid as fuck and was distracting from her singing.

Evan McKeel (favorite)- he was second of the night; -_- "Smile" by (Standard written by Charlie Chaplin)...oh GODDAMNIT on this song choice. UGH; His performance started off acapella [and easily cleared that HRFH AKA Judith Hill low bar] and then went into something close to ethereal and dreamy. This could be a cheap ploy for votes, however he does possess vocal talent.

Shelby Brown (favorite)- she performed first of the night; goddamn you Adam and/or producers. "You and I" by Lady Gaga was her song and I LIVE for this song choice. Her performance seemed a bit lacking in staging choices, but at least she was given a clear pop direction. Her singing was a bit questionable ["Nebraska" turned into "nebrakkah" AND she changed a lyric to "Alabama" instead of "Nebraska". STICK TO THE SCRIPT DAMNIT.] but she managed to serve consistency to many degrees.

Jeffery Austin (Gwen's chance in hell at not 4th place)- CLOSING OUT THE SHOW LIKE A KWEEN REALNESS, BITCH. Does the show actually want an underdog this season? Tell him to ditch the the Sam Smith vibes and I could be on board. He's assigned or probably chooses "Dancing On My Own" by Robyn and YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS bitch; YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS on song choice. 10s, bitch; 10s! Granted the arrangement was a better Sam Smith type of vibe I HATE how it wasn't the actual arrangement. His singing did get into deep and weird places but his overall vibe showed great growth. Even with the GIANT BLUE DISCO BALLS in the background he showed great depth. Still not a favorite, but he could be...if people vote for him.


All in all, let's just prep for tomorrow night's single elimination and hope the few good contestants left advance over the others. Read them tomorrow!

No Voice Recap, But "Predictions" a Plenty

Due to personal issues mainly involving being bummed as fuck, I will not be recapping The NBC Program with Ratings this week. However, that doesn't mean I'll be leaving a "Gone Fishin'" sign and leave any all readers hanging. Instead, I'll be making "predictions"/smart ass remarks about how the remaining Top 12 will do this week...

Per MJSBIGBLOG, these are the song spoilers...


Evan McKeel – Team Pharrell – "This is It" by Kenny Loggins. EWWWWWWWWWWW, Evan's getting tiger-fucked with song choice this week. He'll do his best, but chances are he'll be up for elimination.

Mark Hood – Team Pharrell – "Against all Odds" by Phil Collins. YAY! Pharrell hates Jason Derulo's stunt double! Why else would he assign Mark a fucking Phil Collins song? HAHAHAHAHAHA If all plays correctly, Mark will be booted from the show this week.

Madi Davis – Team Pharrell – "Who Will Save Your Soul" by Jewel. PERFECT song choice that'll have the critics stupidly assume that Madi is a one trick pony. The coaches might actually express concern but Madi should be fine assuming the Voice Voters not fuck around and actually vote for her.


Braiden Sunshine – Team Gwen – "Renegade" by Styx. OH MY GOD, Gwen is a moron. Nothing says "detached coach" like giving a 15 year old the size of a key-chain a goddamn Styx song. XD Braiden could get the boot, but if Dez Duron from S3 taught us anything, it's that you can skate by on looks with voters a plenty and never showcase actual talent.

Korin Bukowski – Team Gwen – "Titanium" by David Guetta ft. Sia. HA! I can only wish disaster on queen of the fake "~quirk~". This will probably be given to Korin to showcase personality but without coming across like a somehow more irritating Zooey Deschanel. Korin's odds are 50/50 this week.

Jeffery Austin – Team Gwen – "Let it Go" by James Bay. Ginger Sam Smith has an uphill battle and if he delivers his very best...he could still be screwed considering most of the field. Still, Jeffery should be safe, but don't bet the ranch on that.


Barrett Baber – Team Blake – "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx. By proxy, it's Team Blake so I don't give a gift wrapped FUCK about Barrett and the rest. He'll get votes for his sob story and not on talent.

Emily Ann Roberts – Team Blake – "Blame it on Your Heart" by Patty Loveless. Voice voters have this weird obsession with country, so expect her to advance "safely".

Zach Seabaugh – Team Blake – "My Love" by Easton Corbin. If anybody deserves the boot this week, it's Zach but considering Blake's poor taste and lock with Voice voters...Zach might see it to next week.


Amy Vachal – Team Adam – "Hotline Bling" by Drake. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA holy shit does Adam hate Amy! This performance smells like it could go the way of Audrey Karrasch from S4's Knockout performance of "How to Love" by Lil' Wayne. The fail looms, but Voice voters could be stupid enough to advance her but by a narrow margin from the bottom 2-4 or whatever it is this time.

Jordan Smith – Team Adam – "Great is Thy Faithfulness". Although Jordan has no talent as he strains every note he sings, the hype machine has already indicated him making the finale for no good goddamn reason.

Shelby Brown – Team Adam – "In Color" by Jamey Johnson. Even if she makes this her own, Shelby could be screwed considering the field. If she performs after Amy in tonight's order, she'll be safe and put Amy in the bottom.


See you next week! By then I'll be less bummed.

The Voice S9: The Results are IN! (Am I the Father?)

The time has come...for the NBC Program with Ratings to reduce the Season 9 contestants in half like they were most of the network's lineup. 24 contestants entered and really 5 of them deserve any place there.
The favorites I care about are as follows...


- Shelby Brown [Team Adam]

- Regina Love [Team Gwen]

- Madi Davis [Team Pharrell]

- Evan McKeel [Team Pharrell]

- Celeste Betton [Team Pharrell/Comeback Contestant]


The policy on my blog is the same; if these favorites fail to make it to the finale, then I jump ship until the S9 Finale Results show. These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery, FlirtCruiting, questionable song choices and last minute shenanigans that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!


DID MY FAVORITES MAKE IT?


YES on Team Adam. YAY, Shelby survived even after being reduced for second to Jordan Smith. BTW, he saved Amy Vachal.

NO on Team Gwen...-_- Jeffrey Austin ended up surviving which wasn't infuriating, but Braiden Sunshine moved on and Gwen's dumbass ended up saving Korin Bukowski. -_- I voted for you Regina, but at least you took Ellie Lawrence and Hungarian Robin Thicke down with you!

2 YES, 1 NO on Team Pharrell. Madi survived as expected because she was flawless. Evan was also saved by the votes. As for Celeste...she was gypped for Mark Hood/Jason Derulo's stunt double. -___________- At least 2 favorites survived here.


All in all, Celeste and Regina were robbed.

Up next for scrutiny, The Performances of the Top 12.

The Voice S9: ...I'd Wipe It Off His Face

Tonight marks the second round of Live Playoffs and it's Team Pharrell and Team Blake night (Though for the sake of dignity I will only cover Team Pharrell as Team Blake just needs to lose again.)

First thing's first, let me moan, groan and complain that Voice voters with iTunes accounts must be erased from life. Person I hate most/this season's "Chosen One" Jordan Smith has pretty much hit the Top 5 of iTunes charts relevant to that goddamn iTunes Multiplier. Abolish iTunes voting NOW. Buy their songs only if you want, but NO on those being counted as votes that could be multiplied. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Now that I have THAT out of my system, these are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery, FlirtCruiting, questionable song choices and last minute shenanigans that transpired...


Let's play rough and get it on! [REMEMBER: I'm only covering Team Pharrell]

First for Pharrell, Darius Scott. He ended up performing "Love Lockdown" by Kanye West. So, Kanye's worst song is meant to help this dude? FELICIA...BYE GURL BYE.
Come showtime, the line "the vibe is wrong" is exactly what happened with this performance. Darius has always been a competent singer but no one particularly gripping. Bad song choice aside, his singing on the chorus was so underwhelming it seemed the death spot was already arranging for his departure.

Second for Pharrell, Evan McKeel. He ended up with "Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder AKA that song he "performed" in an "impromptu" style for Pharrell in his Blind Audition. O_- a problem has emerged. There is now an attempt to attach this dude to this song and make him seem unable to be versatile.
Come showtime, the hype seemed to have 51% of this performance. Evan's tone was clear and he does know how to sing but goddamnit this song choice was bad. His "portfolio" now includes 2 Stevie Wonder songs out of 4 songs in general that he's done. O_O If he survives the 50/50 grind, Pharrell better expand his horizons and fast.

Third for Pharrell, Madi Davis. She ended up singing "Songbird" by Fleetwood Mac; UGH...obscure song by a band barely cool in the 70s/80s. Song choice is looking to punish Madi and I hoped that was not the case.
Come showtime, song choice did not punish Madi as she proceeded to do her best of turning this lump of coal into a diamond. Granted her enunciation was a bit too lenient on some words, her tone was still among the most unique this season and perhaps of the last 3 seasons combined.

Fourth for Pharrell, his comeback artist...Celeste Betton! YAAAAAAAAAAAS ANOTHER FAVORITE HAS RETURNED! She ended up singing "Something in the Water" by Carrie Underwood. Breath is a bit screwy in rehearsals and I was hoping that she wasn't set up for failure.
Come showtime, her projection was a bit hit and miss in lower registers. Once at mid and higher registers, her singing was damn near perfect for her. Towards the end it did seem like she was dropping the lyrics but her performance felt very inspired.

Fifth for Pharrell, Riley Biederer. She ended up singing "Should've Been You" by Tori Kelly. -_- Pharrell...hunny...do you secretly hate your contestants this season? Why would you give someone a Tori Kelly song? That's very hateful and you're normally made of world peace and 7Eleven Slurpees.
Come showtime, her vibe was right but her singing seemed like she was trying to make this a country ballad. O_- Pop artists tend to run the risk of deviating to a style of sound that doesn't suit them and country anything is NOT meant for Riley. Apart from that, confidence could carry her but that's if she gets enough votes to pull an upset.

Closing out the Live Playoffs for Pharrell, Mark Hood. He ended up singing "What Do You Mean?" by He Who Inspired Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. -____________- This poor song choice seems contestant driven but Pharrell still earns ire for this song choice not being barred.
Come showtime, this did not exactly reek of suck. While his tone was a bit uneven and at times strained and forced, he still sang better than Justin Bieber (Though All T, All Shade; that bar is about as high as a Mormon.) Mark is probably going to move on because of Voice Voter Stupidity but at least he defied lowered expectations by remembering the lyrics.

[By the way, Blake brought back Nadjah Nicole and I again could smell rage from other recappers who had overrated-gasms for Krista Hughes. It smelled like Potpourri and world peace.]


All in all, there's a 50/50 chance that S9 could end before the Top 12 and I am NOT. HAPPY.

Up next for scrutiny, the Results of the Live Playoffs.

The Voice S9: If I Wanted My Comeback...

The NBC Program with Ratings has pulled a stunt that is simply meant to fuck with everyone this season. APPARENTLY, this is the season to bring back "robbed" contestants as it was just announced that the show would allow each coach to bring back one artist that was gypped from either the Battle or Knockout rounds.

Here's MY thoughts on this twist; it is so full of shit, the toilet's jealous. This season is progressing in the right direction as overrated and terrible contestants have been eliminated early (even if the likes of that goddamn Jordan Smith, Viktor Kiraly, Korin Bukowski and really anyone else that is not of the few favorites I have left.) and now it could go to shit.

Most of the predictions as to who they could bring back [from Lyndsey Parker of Yahoo! Music fame and recapping site MJSBIGBLOG alike] leave me concerned with exception of bringing back Tim Atlas of Team Pharrell (Though Pharrell could fuck up and bring back Siahna Im instead of Tim and pull a Sugar Joans ALL. OVER. AGAIN.)
I normally don't care about Team Blake, but the expectation/reality is allowing Krista Hughes to come back. Oh great; ANOTHER overrated singer looking to annoy me with plainness. I'll hate it less than I did with Sawyer Fredericks but if she's back, OH. GOD. another overrated contestant could send my favorites home.

As for Teams Adam and Gwen, it's a toss-up and a weird wanting of Ellie Lawrence to come back respectively. -_________-

So let's witness the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, marklar, banter, fuckery, FlirtCruiting, questionable song choices and last minute shenanigans that transpired...

Let's play rough and get it on!

***NOTE: So right when I got home, word is all but Team Pharrell's comeback contestants are from the Knockout rounds...XD

***NOTE 2: Tonight is Team Adam and Team Gwen night.

The Voice S9: Early RIH-tirement

Tonight, another installation of the NBC Program with Ratings in which contestants are narrowed down to teams "fit" enough at least one live performance (Or God forbid, Universal Records acting like they like you only to drop you faster than a bad habit.) Mr. and Mr. Shevine, Gwen and Pharrell get to chopping left and right [and I'm hoping for less wrong].

The favorites that are TBD: Tim Atlas, Regina Love, Evan McKeel and Shelby Brown.

These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, banter, marklar, fuckery, FlirtCruiting and questionable song choices that transpired...


Let's play rough and get it on!

The Voice S9: RIH-fresher Course

The Rihanna puns will stop when the NBC Program with Ratings produce a Kelly Clarkson of their own...or when the Knockouts end. Whichever comes first...-_-

After yesterday's aired showing [and alleged T/Tea that Ellie Lawrence had laryngitis the day of her Knockouts...-_-], Mr. and Mr. Shevine, Gwen and Pharrell continue narrowing down their teams to Live Playoff presentation.
In favorites corner, Madi Davis survived and now Regina Love, Evan McKeel, Tim Atlas and Shelby Brown await their fates.

These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, banter, marklar, fuckery, FlirtCruiting and questionable song choices that transpired...


Let's play rough and get it on! *NOTE: It's fresh as a flower in roughly an hour because that tubid game show is on again. Goddamn Neil Patrick Harris...*



First up, Korin Bukowski vs. Summer Schappell of Team Gwen. Korin picked "All I Want" by Kodaline. STAY AWAY FROM DEANNA JOHNSON'S SONG YOU UNWORTHY WRETCH. Summer picked "Little White Church" by Little Big Town. Rehearsals indicate Korin was still ~quirky~/uncomfortable with existing...oh and nerves were screwing with her already underdeveloped singing. Summer was apparently trying to be "sassy" with a country song. Miscasting on fleek as Summer...has no personality in or outside of singing.

Come showtime, Korin was less ~quirky~ and more bearable graded against herself. Keeping with contestants, she's still terrible. Plus most of her notes sounded monotonous on top of being botched as fuck. Summer did end up possessing some hammy theatrics, but her singing was awful. Sans fuckery, Gwen picked Korin as the winner. Summer was not stolen and was booted from S9. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


Second, Dustin Christensen vs. Keith Semple of Team Adam.
Dustin picked "Free" by Zac Brown Band. Keith picked "I Want To Know What Love Is" by Foreigner. -_- Rehearsals indicate Dustin was trying to incorporate "genre-hopping" into his identity. Rihanna in turn called out vibrato on Dustin and telling him when to use it. Keith was given technical notes to hit but arena rock selection made me tune out like it was my job to.

Come showtime, Dustin pulled an Austin Jenckes of being consistent but being COMPLETELY BORING; a death knell on the show if there's always one constant thing about it. Keith played off of the fact that his song selection "resonates" with people in the cheapest way [no effort given but wanting people to make noise? VERY ~arena rock!~] Sans fuckery, Adam picked Keith as the winner. Dustin is not stolen and is given the boot from S9.

Finally, Darius Scott vs. Morgan Frazier of Team Pharrell. Darius picked "On Broadway" by The Drifters & George Benson. Morgan picked "Even If It Breaks Your Heart" by Eli Young Band. Rehearsals indicate Darius went ahead with a song "in his wheelhouse" like people should. Yet, his potential was clocked for seeming like he was resting on his laurels. Morgan was being clocked for being too stiff/being a perfectionist in vocals with some personality critiques as well.

Come showtime, Darius sounded like he had more "pizzazz" but it still came across so low-energy. Still his soulfulness carried him for 2/3 of the performance. Morgan sounded less boring than she had in the past, but she still sounds beige especially for a country aspiring act. Sans fuckery, Pharrell picked Darius as the winner. Last Knockout means the steal was used and Blake used it on Morgan.


All in all, no favorites competed so I really didn't give a fuck about these contestants. OH WELL.

Up next for scrutiny, Part III of The Knockouts.

The Voice S9: Serving Up RIH-freshments

[This marks the 250th post for the blog; YAY!]


In terms of "big names" in the music industry, the NBC Program with Ratings struck platinum and gold when it was revealed that Rihanna was this season's Knockout Rounds advisor. In terms of live singers with the technical skills, they got a big name that's cool with the kids these days -_-

Despite that, I among the masochistic viewers of the show are wondering just how the hell 2+2=4 in this applied context. How can Rihanna help Mr. and Mr. Shevine*, Gwen and Pharrell narrow down their teams for the Playoff rounds [since it's probably not live anymore until the Top 12]?
*For the record, the only artist that's sung anything with Rihanna was Adam back when Maroon 5 released a publicity stunt remix and music video for "If I Never See Your Face Again" back in 2010/2011.*

The favorites left since the Battle Rounds? Regina Love [Gwen], Tim Atlas [Pharrell], Madi Davis [Pharrell], Evan McKeel [Pharrell] and Shelby Brown [Adam]. Yup, this could be a short recapping season and then some...O_O These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, banter, marklar, fuckery, FlirtCruiting and questionable song choices that transpired...


Let's play rough and get it on!

The Voice S9: Three's Too Little Company

Normally, I'd be way snarkier and feign investment but today is weird and I can't. In other words, I have "Battles Fatigue".

Here's the montaged nouns, pronouns, gerunds, banter, marklar, fuckery, FlirtCruiting and questionable song choices that transpired...

Whoop de fucking doo...


First, Amanda Ayala vs. Shelby Brown of Team Adam. They were assigned "Edge of Seventeen" by Stevie Nicks. GROSS; BAN THIS SONG FROM LIFE. Also, both contestants are under 20 by at least 5 years or so [maybe]. MISCASTING on every level. Rehearsals indicate that Amanda had the genre advantage but Shelby had the technical advantage despite timing issues.
Come showtime, the unison vocals sounded resonant but not controlled. Amanda sounded less developed than Shelby who managed to overcome the timing issues and seem more natural. Sans fuckery, Adam ended up picking Shelby as the winner. Not last battle means Amanda was booted from S9. BYEEEEEEEEE.

Second, Amy Vachal vs. Jubal & Amanda of Team Pharrell. They were assigned "To Love Somebody" by Bee Gees. Rehearsals indicate Missy Elliott is perhaps the most disappointing mentor yet. Does she need Katy Perry to open up for her to come alive in 2015? Also, 2 vs. 1/harmony vs. alleged raw talent...zzzzzzz.
Come showtime, Amy's vocals were still breathy but less insufferable than her audition. Jubal sounded nasal and twangy while Amanda sounded resonant but without control. Together, it was a bum note or 5 away from being soundclash.
Sans fuckery, Pharrell ended up picking Amy as the winner. Not last battle means Jubal & Amanda were booted from S9. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.


MONTAGE VICTIMS [Go to hell, Neil Patrick Harris]:


- Daria Jazmin vs. Darius Scott of Team Pharrell. Darius ended up winning.

- Cole Criskie vs. Nadjah Nicole of Team Blake. Nadjah ended up winning.

- Hanna Ashbrook vs. Summer Schappell of Team Gwen. Summer ended up winning.


Better luck in the knockouts (Mainly because none of you are Rebekah Samarin.)


Closing out the battles of S9, Emily Ann Roberts vs. Morgan Frazier of Team Blake. They were assigned "I'm That Kind of Girl" by Patty Loveless. Rehearsals indicate that the winner would be who could give a "modern" take on a song by someone named Patty Loveless. Come showtime, Emily sounded too meek while Morgan sounded too wahey and dare I say...karaoke. That resulted in both of them sounding mediocre.
Sans fuckery, Blake ended up picking Emily Ann as the winner. Last battle means Pharrell uses his last steal on Morgan. -_- GURL. BYE. How dare you.


All in all, today was weird & I'll be back in fighting form next week.

Up next for scrutiny, Part I of the Knockouts.

The Voice S9: Battles Royale Part III

The NBC Program with Ratings continues its slow descent into pushing a winner down viewer throats only for the winner to be put to the side/be told BYEEEEEEEEE by Universal Republic* (The same label that has the likes of Nicki Minaj, The Weeknd & Matt McAndrew...)
*Which brings me to the point that of the myriad of coaches to have been on this show, only Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani have been and are still on a Universal label [both Interscope]. All other coaches have been with Warner and Sony labels during their tenure on the show...*

Mr. and Mr. Shevine, Gwen and Pharrell still have the questionable decisions at hand and something tells me consistency will favor them instead of the contestants again. Tim Atlas became a new favorite while Ivonne Acero has earned ire for picking Blake as her new coach. Nice knowing you chica; Blake doesn't pick GOOD steals to advance (Proof: Nic Hawk from S5.)
These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, banter, marklar, fuckery, FlirtCruiting and questionable song choices that transpired...


Let's play rough and get it on!

Beach Poetry: Notes from The Author (Me)

As promised, these are the notes for the mini-series I've now posted.


This “mini-series” is inspired by the love I have for singer/songwriter Steve Grand. His kindness to me online is the main reason I’ve been grappling with so many emotions since late July of this year. “Cameo” appearances from certain online friends also made appearances as I sort of latched on to them as a source of inspiration. Here’s what I’m decoding for readers of this:

The beach – the original trigger for this series was when Steve made it known he’s very fond of the beach. In applied context to the series, it’s the setting for the 2 “main” characters” I feel would meet up and perhaps fall for each other consequence and reservation free.

“Mr. Yellow Moon” – one code name for Steve inspired by the lyric “We are the yellow moon in the sky” from his song “We Are the Night”.

“Water” and “air” – the other codename for Steve and the code name for me (when not using I) respectively. This along with “fish” and “scales” are inspired by Western astrology as he’s a Pisces and I’m a Libra (sun signs only) and these signs are often cited as opposites that are attracted to each other.
In applied context, these are the two  “main” characters that are opposites in elemental context but mainly from the “observance”/”idle” perspective of air.

“The gold coast that glitters too” – the representation of ideal scenarios coming true that’s a play on the saying “all that glitters is not gold”; this case means it’s what someone wants and they actually get to have it. It’s what I believe Steve will have.
In applied context, it’s a thought of “what’s heaven like for a water sign?” I ended up using the idyllic setting of clear water brushing up against the sands of a well-maintained beach.

“The two Josephs” – two online friends of mine that happen to be named Joe/Joseph. It was from the one who answers to Joe most of the time I saw the hearsay that Steve would someday like to settle southwest of Los Angeles and Joe wanted to know if it was anywhere close to or in San Diego. Both of them are nice people and I included the one who's simply Joseph as it seems he likes to be included in many social settings but stand out.

“The Wiccan” – an online friend named Chad who was the one who ended up telling me of the other hearsay of Steve having a specific type of near “alpha male” specifics [“Steve into... is from what I gather dark skin built to the nines like Italian Spanish etc..”] I in turn pointed out that it has been said by Steve himself that confidence is the sexiest thing about a guy. It isn't saying Chad's a bad person because he's not. Hearsay is just that; hearsay.


Scene V/”When the Waves Crashed” – late July/early August appear peppered throughout the series, but Scene V is when I divulge what happened...sort of. Around the time of Steve’s social media hiatus, I was at my brother’s wedding but all through the way I was getting sick. Soon after the hiatus began it got worse [stomach churning, stress/shot nerves]. Being affected like this is what had me thinking I love him because I was crying my eyes out over him and wanting him to be OK.


While writing the poems out, I had listened to these songs:

- "High By the Beach" by Lana Del Rey- the main soundtrack for scenes 2-6, but can be played for scene 1 as well. The significance of this track is that the vibe of the song fits in with the swirling emotions that inspired the poems in the first place.

- "Titans" (interlude) by Dawn- the main soundtrack to scene 1, but can be played for scenes 2-6 as well. The significance of this track is that prior to writing this mini-series, I played "Songwriter"/"Album" and "wrote" a song based off of this interlude (more or less; I extended the amount of lines there) where lines from scenes 1 and 2 are somewhat replicated there.

- "West Coast" by Lana Del Rey- the main soundtrack for scene 7 and only scene 7. The significance of this track is that the psychedelic vibes of this song fit in with presenting the "heaven" setting of "the gold coast that glitters too".

Beach Poetry: Scenes 4-7

This is a "mini-series" of poems inspired by very personal feelings I won't disclose until I post the notes for this series later. "Scene IV" was written on October 11th, 2015 and "Scene V", "Scene VI" and "Scene VII" were written on October 13th, 2015.

Scene IV: "The Night Sky"

The night is not an element
But it creates new identities
With “water” and “air” at the beach.
In the day, water is bright
And inviting but can only
Reveal so much.

At night, water becomes warm
After taking heat from the Earth.
The warm side of water is sadly ignored
As no one but the air
Is around to see the warmth
Despite the darkness all around.

In the day, air is distant
But observant and sensory
Even if it seems too idle.
At night, the air has mild warmth
To not be confused with the Earth
Which has only grown colder at night.

The beach is meant for water and air
Although fire and Earth watch only
To fade away from its impulse
And grow cold after time “respectively”.
As for water and air, the beach
And in turn the night sky turn into sanctums.

In the day, “Mr. Yellow Moon”
Presents himself emotionally pristine
At the risk of being labeled “manufactured”.
At night, he exudes warmth
With his darkness being nothing
But unappreciated passion.

In the day, I’m idle until
He calls for me.
At night, I’m less intense
And am able to see him
For who I think he is
Thanks to the night sky.

Beach Poetry: Scenes 1-3

This is a "mini-series" of poems inspired by very personal feelings I won't disclose until I post the notes for this series later. "Scenes" I - III were written on October 7th, 2015.

SCENE I: "Coasting"

The only man I love now
Is more attainable than I’ve had.
Two years ago
I didn’t know that
I’d love the very same man
That to this day, I still don’t know.

He’s water.
I’m air.
We only meet up at the beach
And our foundation
Is no more stable
Than the sand.

He’s a water sign
Twenty thousand leagues deep.
A male siren
That can make me wax poetic
And will have me
Even though he doesn’t know me.

The best I can do
Is find the beach
He resides at intermittently.
His happiness is landlocked
But only because he’s yet to find
A gold coast that glitters too.

In my element,
I glide down to see him hug the sand
To no avail.
I assume he looks at me,
Smiles and thinks
“Silver’s not that bad a color.”

If a silver lining;
A reason to keep faith in something;
Certainty in something he has,
But no longer wants by itself;
I’ll be coasting for him
No matter how much it will hurt me.

The Voice S9: Less Battle, More Skirmish

The NBC Program with Ratings continues to slog along with the usual set of fuckery viewers/masochists like myself have had to settle for as singing shows die out left and right.

This one hour installment (Do we really need a Neil Patrick Harris game show? Seriously, enough of this condensing The Voice.) sees more of Mr. and Mr. Shevine, Gwen and Pharrell build teams to advance to the Knockouts to face advising by Rihanna (Who let's face facts can't sing more than "Stay" and "FourFiveSeconds" live.) Let's find out who will get just a bit more screen time than Rebekah Samarin in this round.
*SIDE NOTE to Carson: Calling Selena Gomez an "award winning pop star"? REALLY, bitch? I didn't know a terrible singer with no #1 hits with maybe a Nickelodeon kids choice award counted for being a pop star.*

These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, banter, marklar, fuckery, FlirtCruiting and questionable song choices that transpired...


Let's play rough and get it on!

The Voice S9: Battle of the BLANDS

After 5 episodes of Blind Auditions, the NBC Program with Ratings continues its quest to not make a much needed Kelly Clarkson (It wouldn't kill the coaches OR the voting public to stick with someone no matter how much I hate that winner.) Hope for me comes with 6 good contestants overall; 4 on Team Pharrell and 2 on Team Adam (Blake is pretty much CMT with his team but it's Gwen with the worst taste. How the fuck did that happen?)

Over the course of the Battles, I'll be checking to see how the Original Six [Ivonne Acero, Evan McKeel, Madi Davis and Celeste Betton on Team Pharrell and Regina Love and Shelby Brown on Team Adam] fair against the bland and overpraised. Sydney Rhame of Team Pharrell is on deck for favorite status granted if Pharrell brings potential out of her and keeps her and she DOESN'T GO COUNTRY.

NOTE: I will be implementing and adapting my policy for the Battle Rounds as a safeguard; my policy being if all my favorites are eliminated well before the finale, I jump ship from the recapping season.

In this case, I jump ship from S9 if all my favorites [with and/or without new favorites] are eliminated before the Knockout Rounds.

Time to find out how this turns out. These are the nouns, pronouns, gerunds, banter, marklar, fuckery, FlirtCruiting and questionable song choices that transpired...


Let's play rough and get it on!