After what seemed like an eternity, they reached their home. The crew met separately from the spawn to discuss what had happened. “How exactly do we process what our bloodlines just did?” Charlie queried. “How did they manage to get us back into this...and do it as if they could’ve done it alone fifteen times over?” McRay added. “Our spawn do seem to be as ruthless as we feared.” Catya began. “I’m now wondering; could they really be invested in us with our Grammy score?”
“Why do you doubt them now?” Dolly asked. “Technically, if it hadn’t been for me, they would’ve never found this place. I didn’t doubt them then, and I won’t start doubting them now.” Catya retorted, “Bitch, the last thing you need is to get ahead of yourself. Kirk had to die so you could end up back here with them, remember?” “That may be true, but that doesn’t mean you get to determine when we have faith.” Dolly said. “Let’s figure out what brimming controversy is going to happen tomorrow. Round up our spawn and tell them to meet us in the living area.” McRay said.
After gathering everybody else, they used the LMFAO Horde phone to find out when their next attack was going to be centered on. What they discovered on the phone certainly caused concern. A message from an unknown number demanded they meet at the Valkyrie NightHaus. “I can’t get an exact match on identity, but they don’t have that many social media connections.” Dolly noted. “We should be safe until they try to fuck with us.”
They set out for their destination after Dolly’s reassurance. As they approached the vicinity of the Valkyrie, they soon discovered no trace of malice from the messenger outside. A girl waiting outside with nothing more than the clothes on her back and a teddy bear. “Even I’m ruling out a possibility of a decoy.” Blyvy began. “Nobody can be paid any amount of money to look that despondent.” They slowly approached the little girl to gage her m.o. “Little girl...did any grown-ups pay you in money or toys to do bad things to us?” David asked. “No, mister. I need your help.” she replied. “What’s your name?” Charlie asked. “My name is Michelle.” she began. “There is very good reason why I need your help.”
She went on to explain that her mother and father were killed in this nightclub after a stampede to escape the club fire. She elaborated that her parents were among those that assisted in The Friedan massacre; through that connection is how she knew to message them. “These people are fucking scum. I want them to pay for what they did to my parents.” she said. “If you need incentive or motivation, the band holding a concert in there is Mumford & Sons.” “We do hate them with a burning passion.” McRay said. Despite emulating to some degree, Madler was skeptical. “I don’t doubt your back story. However, I am going to ask you to help us help you.” “Am I going to have to hurt people too?” Michelle asked. “Indeed you will.” Madler replied.
She was reluctant to comply, but eventually agreed under the condition that she act as reconnaissance before having to slay anybody.
She led them through a side door leading to the lower level of the Valkyrie. Her senses proved to be a utility for them. When a pair of guards attempted to patrol, Michelle was able to size them up just by hearing their footsteps. David and his Sai were enough to render the two guards lifeless. They approached the grounds, knowing full well a room of enemies awaited them. “There’s no turning back now, Michelle.” Madler said.
As they opened the door, a bouncer the size of Oprah and with the height of Shaquille O’Neal glared at them. “Ok...I did forget to mention that sometimes Blondie is asked to guard the concert grounds.” Michelle said. “That gigantic thing is named Blondie?!” Madler asked. He confirmed his moniker by simply saying this: “Yo soy Blondie, pendejo. Que chingado quieres?” “Oh for fuck’s sake...” Catya began. “Necesitamos vamos a ir adentro. Mumford & Sons necesita morir.” Blondie responded, “Dame un arma.” “Quieres un hacha de combate?” Catya offered. “Es doble-bladed.”
After accepting his weapon, he and Michelle led them to the actual concert grounds. Catya translated from Blondie that because of the layout, escapes were almost impossible to access. He pulled out a taser and gave it to Charlie. Catya explained that there’d be only one chance to create pandemonium. “He says to aim for the banjo string and your mission will be a success.” Charlie was in prime position and when the view was exact, he shot the taser for the banjo string.
When it hit, the lead singer was killed in less than 15 seconds. The chaos from the scene brought smiles to their warped psyches. The other members of Mumford & Sons scrambling to escape, only to have the disorient result of their demise. Blondie noticed that there was a slight opening through a previously thought to be blocked off passageway. “Como se dice...let’s make like a tree and get the fuck out of here?” he said. “Sounds good enough to us.” Catya said.
Blondie chopped his way through all of the concert goers. Blood had stained the Valkyrie yet again. As the crew and spawn surveyed the escape route for potential traps, Michelle pulled Madler aside. “Can me and Blondie live with you? Even if it’s a town with a population no bigger than a recycling bin?” she asked. “Of course.” he began. “Besides, no one your age should know how to testify in a court of law.” David said, “Come on you guys. Get rolling!”
They would make it out of the Valkyrie unharmed. The wreckage they left behind indicated no one below the first floor did. The death of Mumford & Sons served as a reminder that the Grammy score was going to require so much energy of them.
As they trekked back to Pansona Chingada, they noticed a lone enemy in what was once the outskirts. Blondie grew impatient and told Catya, “Este chinagadero necesita morir. I’m going to make sure of that.” “Oh he’s bilingual.” Madler noted. “Now I can shit myself when he speaks in either Spanish or English.” When Blondie asked who he was, the enemy simply said “Someone those motherfuckers didn’t compensate.” He attempted to punch Blondie, but he was grabbed by the neck. “See who the fuck this pendejo is and see what he’s being such a puta about.”
He threw the enemy towards the crew and spawn. When he landed on the ground, McRay recognized him. “Zasalamel!” “You mean the motherfucker that diverted us until we found your asses?” David rhetorically said. Charlie looked at him and asked, “What the fuck are you doing here?” “I need my compensation for the job at hand.” he replied. “Oh get over yourself you asshole. If it’s a last minute favor, you aren’t getting shit for the job.” McRay said. “You must want to die by my hands.” Zasalamel replied.
As he began to draw his weapon, Blondie made sure he wouldn’t. Using his axe, he sliced Zasalamel down to his boots. “He was getting annoying.” Dolly and Michelle stared on in amazement. “Did you know he could do that with such ease?” she asked Michelle. “I didn’t want to think he could something like that easily.” she replied. Blyvy chimed in, “Well, take his shit and let’s head home.” “You mean what’s left of his shit?” Madler pointed out. “You say tomato and I say fuck you.” she replied.
As they scrounged what Zasalamel had on his person, they found his resources useful.
Like Arfur Foulksaycke before, Zasalamel was dumb enough to have an ungodly amount of money on his person. However, Zasalamel was even more inane to have left out a critical detail of his life. He had told the crew he was a mere scam artist/assassin for hire. What was neglected was his connection to an event planning firm used by the Grammy foundation frequently.
Posing as a coordinator, Michelle contacted the number of the foundation’s HQ. “Hello, I’m calling on behalf of Mr. Sardo. He’d like to know when the firm will be meeting with your foundation to plan this year’s ceremony.” The other end delivered every bit of information they desired. Their final score would be held at the end of the month. Guards are being reduced due to budget cuts. “Anything else has been sent to the firm’s HQ.” “Forgive me for asking, but it’s my first day working for Mr. Sardo. I’m on the field now, but where is the firm’s HQ?” Michelle queried. “Forgive me. The firm is based in Balboa Perla. About 1 and a half hours from Pansona Chingada.” the other end said.
The crew and spawn finally reached their home. Blondie and Michelle set themselves up for their new lives assisting some of the most nefarious figures in American folklore.
However, Michelle had pressing issues she needed help resolving. She asked to converse with Dolly and Madler when the others were busy contemplating. Hours later, she had questions she felt only they had answers to. “How old were you when you got into this?” “At 15. About where I think you are.” Dolly said. “Really?” Michelle began. “I’m almost 15.” “It’s true.” Dolly began. “I ended up having to kill my brother with an Uzi and my own hands. You will feel icky at times, but believe me when I say; that because of how fate has fucked you over, you will feel a sense of family with us.” Madler was happy for their connection, but was left wondering what Michelle wanted with him. “What gives with wanting to talk to me?” She replied, “Do you think
I’ll find a man like you have?” Dolly interjected, “Why can’t you ask me that?” “You bitches are nuts!” Michelle said. “I’m surprised any of you know men that have had sex with you!” “Good point, but goddamn.” Dolly replied. “So this is what female bonding is like.” Madler said. “Thank God, my porn collection has nothing but men in them.” He then explained to Michelle that while love is something worth having, “You’re 15. You’re supposed to think of a few more kid stuff. Like television and junk food.” “Thanks for talking with me, you two.” Michelle said.
The next morning, the crew, spawn, Blondie and Michelle discussed plans on what to do in Balboa Perla. Blyvy suggested unadulterated carnage. “As long as we get more information from the firm, who cares how we do it, right?” “Don’t be an idiot.” Catya began. “We don’t even know the fucking name of the firm.” “How the hell can that be? Michelle talked with a temp or something.” Madler said. “I could only read the number on his fucking business card.” Michelle replied. “Most of the card looks like Spanish had an orgy with Gaelic, Russian, Mandarin, Sanskrit, Aramaic and Latin.” David looked at the card and apart from chiming in with “Just say it all looks Greek to you.” surprised everybody by translating the card. “It’s called the Nomi Malone Event Planning Firm.” “What’s the most egregious element of that business front?” Dolly asked. “The fact that the bitch is still being name dropped.” Charlie replied. McRay added, “Those that have seen her say she’s an over the top cunt salad!” “People saw that ramera?” Blondie asked. “Apparently so and in a swimming pool no less!” Michelle replied.
After the banter, they agreed that attempting to rampage through to Balboa Perla made no sense. Therefore, every chance a canker sore to the cultural frontlines was reported about, that is when they would strike. Their first act was the memorial concert to Cassadee Pope and Iggy Azalea. Using the LMFAO horde phone, they were able to find out that the concert was being held at the Sao Solstice du Antwerp Cabana. Two and a half hours later, they finally arrived.
The crew told Blondie and Michelle to stay with Dolly to keep guard of the dune buggy and assist in the making of a “Burt Wonderstone” (a magical bomb that could decimate everyone). The spawn were assigned varied reconnaissance roles. Blyvy was to watch for the memorial organizers; David was to watch for audience size and gauging how much carnage to inflict; Madler was to check in periodically with the “producers of Burt Wonderstone”. When the organizers’ limo was arriving, Blyvy let it be known to the crew. “Ok everybody, time to do this shit!” Catya raced over to the limo and let her presence be known. “Yoo-hoo…body bags! Up here.” By the time they looked up in horror, McRay had pistol-whipped them in the temple killing them on impact. “Ok, we got rid of them.” Catya said. “Who’s next?” Charlie chimed in with, “Meet us at the entrance.”
After rounding up, Blyvy, Madler, David, Dolly, Michelle and Blondie, the crew was ready to finish off the concert goers. “Va a ir al infierno you cabrons!” Blondie shouted. His slicing through the crowd only marked that the Sao Solstice du Antwerp Cabana would end up much worse than the Valkyrie NightHaus. Charlie would toss Dolly toward an enemy and when she landed, she tore their heart out. “Look Charlie; I have a ‘heart-on’. Get it?” she evilly chirped. Charlie wouldn’t let Dolly have all the fun to herself. He kicked half broken beer bottles at crowd goers and simply watched their inane mobility patterns be the reason they bled to death. “Forgive the redundancy, but I could see that coming.”
David and Madler teamed up to finish a set of concert goers the best way they knew how; disgustingly. The worst move yet was performed that night; the “Vampire Facial”. It consisted of David piercing the necks of an enemy and gauging how much blood to use against them. Madler would then insert the blood intravenously through an enemy’s urethra. The agonizing pain would only intensify after another enemy was brought in; subdued through broken knees and given
Lockjaw. Then, Madler would pleasure the enemy with the intravenous blood to where their climax would enter the mouth of the subdued enemy. The standing enemy would die first then the subdued enemy would die after David would force a billiards cue ball down their throat. “You motherfuckers are sick in the head.” Blyvy said. “Now watch what I’m going to do.”
Blyvy would one up the “Vampire Facial” with a move named, the “Macau Necktie”. She cornered an enemy and using a deceptively flamboyant textile (that housed a chain weapon), would envelop the neck of her enemy. Every step she would take forward would cut off circulation and oxygen the concert goer wish they hadn’t wasted. Just when they thought Blyvy was done, she upped the ante by taking out a bottle of ipecac and forcing it down their throat. The violent shakes from the enemy would make it to where a “necktie” of vomit, ipecac and blood would end up dripping around their neck. Multiply the unfortunate yet stupid souls within Blyvy’s vicinity and 38 people ended up with a “Macau Necktie”.
Even with that, Catya would take the title of sickest and most macabre executioner. Using remnants of the others’ weapons, Catya slayed many with the “Siberian Smorgasbord”. After splashing ipecac on her ring blade, she spun it in the faces of enemies left and right. The vomit would then be spun back in their direction; most would die of asphyxiation. Those that hadn’t died soon realized they wish they had. Catya then added blood of those fallen to her ring blade, and then sliced the mouths of those standing. It didn’t seem fatal until they remembered the ipecac was still on the blade. The vomit would part their lacerations even more until their mouths hung by the thinnest threads. “You done yet, you sick whore?” McRay began. “Blondie’s crying because he wants you to stop.” “Ok; I’m done playing now.” she evilly chuckled.
By the time they escaped, the C.S.I. were disgusted at what they had left behind at the Sao Solstice du Antwerp Cabana.
While driving back to their homestead, they received a call on their phone. Michelle recognized the number; the other end representing the Grammy Foundation. This time, McRay decided to pump information. “May I help you?”
“Yes, I believe someone on behalf of Mr. Sardo spoke to me about the firm meeting up with our foundation?”
“Oh correct; I’m the assistant to the person you spoke to. Can I take a message?”
The other end once again provided everything they would need. The meeting was bumped up to two days from now in Balboa Perla. “You’ve been such a wonder. Take care of yourself.” he said. “Ew…” Blyvy began. “I don’t like language that obscene to me.” “Well we now have two days to prep for what Balboa Perla would see as the worst day of their lives.” he said.
They had reached their homestead in Pansona Chingada and after storing their weapons, decided to spiritually cleanse themselves. Blondie prepped a chamomile blend with a smidge of light hallucinogens that would last enough to hold them over until the two day mark for Balboa Perla. “Once we drink this, we’ll be seeing a lot of freaky shit…so no bitching or crying.” McRay said.
They drank the mix and one by one began to enter a trance that took them to a seemingly separate dimension. Each of them would end up in the same microcosm. Madler and David along with McRay and Charlie were joined together in a loving pose while held together only by a diamond strong tether. “Love is what keeps every union together.” Dolly read. “It’s so beautiful.” Michelle chimed. Blondie pointed how nicer Catya was acting in the trance world. “Look; mama y su hija.” Catya only said, “My little Blyvy...fucked up like her mommy but so much better.” Blyvy only cooed back to her mother. “Let’s try flying around this place. Wouldn’t that be so much fun?” Madler asked. “Let’s do that.” David began. “How about by that forest?”
“Yes, the forest would be ever so lovely.” Michelle said.
They flew toward the forest, noticing birds wearing pearls colored in scarlet and vermilion. “Those birds are silly. Pearls are for people.” Dolly noted. “How fucked up are we that we notice shit like that?” Catya asked. She turned to her daughter and said, “Blyvy, I wish you could do more than coo to me.” Blyvy uttered her first phrase in the trance world; “What’s Peggy Bundy doing in the forest?” They looked in the forest to find a woman shouting at her husband, “Al!” for thirty minutes.
After the shouting dissipated, they landed in the forest figuring out what they should do next. “Let’s study plant life and fuck afterwards, sugarcane!” Charlie said to McRay. He turned to the rest and said, “Do you mind if we...” The rest interjected and said, “Go ahead! Madler and David are going to do the same thing!” Madler and David studied the plant life to the East while McRay and Charlie studied the plant life to the West. “Look; rhododendrons.” David said. “It’s far too warm for those to be rhododendrons, sweetums.” Madler replied. “You’re right. I think they’re pretty, whatever the fuck they are.” David retorted. They decided to embrace in the field for the entire trance world to enjoy. McRay and Charlie noted how the sunflowers to the West looked like the sun the first morning after. “Remember that, sugarcane?” McRay asked. “I thought I called you sugarcane.” Charlie replied. “We both answer to sugarcane.” McRay retorted. “Oh babe...let’s play the game ‘Fuck in the Sunflower Patch’. We’ll both win.” Charlie proposed. Both couples assured the flowers weren’t the only thing getting fertilized.
Meanwhile, Blondie was leading the others in a skipping through dandelions and poppies. “I feel airy and kind of high from the poppies.” Michelle worried. “It’s ok, mija. Hop on my back.” he replied. “Look at Blyvy play in the fields.” Catya noted. “We must be on some good shit to notice whimsy not making our blood boil.”
Slowly, the crew came to sooner than expected. Catya noted that only a day had passed since they had drunk the mix. “Blondie…” she began. “…did you forget to carry a one somewhere while making the mix?” Blondie came to, and said, “Oops. Lo siento.” “It’s ok. We got pretty fucked up and now I feel dandy enough to cut someone’s head off.” Catya said. Blyvy came to her senses asking, “Why the fuck was I cooing for so long?” Michelle and Dolly woke up next with Dolly saying, “Even in the trance world I can’t get the smell of honey and ketchup out of my nose.” Michelle added, “At least it blends in with linen and whatever else musk those horn dogs exude.” Madler and David along with McRay and Charlie came to their senses. “Like fathers like sons, you all have the resemblance of glazed donuts right now.” Catya pointed out. “Just a quick rinse off and then we can start heading out to Balboa Perla early.” McRay said. Charlie cheekily retorted, “It isn’t the first time you’d end up coming early.” “Just for that, you’re scrubbing your own back.” McRay replied.
After freshening up, the crew set course for Balboa Perla. Time may have been allotted to them, but they knew better than to assume that smooth sailing was to be in their favor. Halfway to La Candida, a town no bigger than a recycling bin, they were met with a blockade. Blondie’s wife, Carlotta, had been tracking him down after he didn’t come home from working that night at the Valkyrie. “Donde estabas? Tus hijos chingados necesita su padre!” she yelled. Blondie tried to reason with her. “Lo siento, pero mi telefono…” However, she was not having any of Blondie’s excuses (even though he was not intent on lying.) “Basta ya con tu mierda! Ven para ca y dije tus amigos estupidos que tu vas a ir a tu casa ahora!” she roared. Catya was growing sick of Carlotta and decided to take things personally. “I can fuck her up, no questions asked.” Catya thought. Blondie sensed this and said, “You might be a blood thirsty killer; Genghis Khan with a clitoris and everything, but you cannot take on a pissed off Latina with kids.”
Catya saw that as more reason to slay Carlotta. She locked eyes with her and asked, “Cuanto ingles sabe usted?” “Enough to want to kick your ass for taking my kids’ Dad to do stupid shit like this, puta!” she roared back. “Oh God.” Michelle began. “Something tells me this fight could be too one sided to enjoy thoroughly.” Dolly was worried for Catya the most. “She could be in real danger and Blondie could be dumb enough to try and self-sacrifice to save Catya’s ass.” she thought. Just mere moments after her thoughts, McRay noted Carlotta could have a fatal flaw. “Look at her knees. Notice anything askew?” She looked and even asked Charlie to help her out. “They look ok to me. Where do you think she has her flaw?” McRay then added, “Watch her first movement of the fight.”
When they began, Catya showed off her ring blade. “Let’s get ready to play!” she evilly grinned. Carlotta then went in to throw a jab and then Dolly saw the flaw. “That dumb bitch is fighting after knee surgery. Catya is going to lay the bitch out!” “We knew that.” David began. “Have some sriracha chips and enjoy.” “If that was a plug for Lay’s, I’m going to bitch slap you so hard you’ll wish I was wearing a pimp hat.” she replied.
Catya and Carlotta’s fight did not consume too much time from the crew. While Carlotta possessed spirit, Catya had a fucking ring blade. Less than 25 minutes into the fight, Catya had sliced Carlotta’s throat open. Her gagging on her own blood was more than enough for Catya to just fuck with her head as she was dying. Blondie looked on in horror, but understood the price for his new life. “My wifey had to die just because I had to live a little more.” he thought. Carlotta would see Catya do her worst in recent years. She was force fed the surrounding dirt and punched in the throat. “That dear, is called ‘Havana Dentistry’. Te gusta mucho, de veras?” By the time she wanted to curse her out, Carlotta had died. Her body hitting the ground was the last thing Blondie wanted to be around. “Ay dios mio…diabla! Eres una diabla chingada!”
“I know where this is leading, and frankly you’re making me sick.” Catya said. “If we were to let you have your peace here, you’d abandon us in a heartbeat.” Blondie had only said, “My kids…” before Catya had begun beating the crap out of him. “You. are. not. using. your. kids. as. emotional. pawns!”
The others were pulling her off of Blondie. “Whoa, save it for the Grammys please.” Madler said. “We know you hate the two words he said before you started beating the ever loving shit out of him.” Blyvy added. The peacemaking was proving to be useless. Her rage against Blondie was only getting worse. Michelle pulled Blondie from his stupor. “Go to your kids. Tell them nothing about us or about your wife dying.” “Give my battle axe to the crew back.” he said. “You won’t regret this decision, will you?” she asked. “Given all this shit, I’ll pray of old age being my cause of death.” he replied.
As he sauntered off having left his weapon behind, Blondie thought “God, if you can hear this cabron speak, give me a sign.” The last thing he would see was a cattle skull before he blacked out from death. Catya had broken from her restraints and sliced Blondie in half. “Using anything as emotional pawns against me is only begging I murder you out of rage. Pendejo chingado!” The rest looked on in amazement and horror. “Like you should all be this shocked at what I’ve done.” Catya began. “Nothing gets me as pissed as using any emotional pawns to leave. If he wanted out, all he had to do was point us to a speedy route to Balboa Perla. Instead, the motherfucker signed his death certificate on his accord.”
“Goddamnit Catya, that’s not why we’re looking on in horror…” Charlie said.
“Well then what the fuck is it then?!” she roared back.
Her answer was hearing three small children; one boy and two little girls mourning the loss of their mother and father. “Why did you kill our parents you bitch?” the little boy asked.
“Our mommy and daddy didn’t do anything to you!” the little sister said. “You are a bitch. A dirty fart-faced bitch!” the youngest said. Catya was stunned that the children had witnessed everything start to finish. Blyvy may have learned to hate her mother first, but she put aside anything that made Catya register as a malefactor to help her out.
“I can understand you hating my mommy for doing these things…” Blyvy began. “…but to be honest you little fuckers didn’t exactly make your presence known.”
“Don’t talk to us like that old lady!” the little boy said.
“Yeah! You shut your whore mouth right now!” the little sister added.
“Who taught you these words?!” Blyvy replied. “You’re only supposed to use those words after you learn to drive a car.” She was being rendered silent like her mother, but Michelle was growing sick of their insolence. “You bastards are starting to piss me off!” she started. “To the youngest one, you better run or crawl far away from this place.” The boy ushered the youngest to comply with Michelle’s command. “Go on…use the Big Wheel bike and go home.” The youngest rode off, but Dolly sensed she would be back soon. She turned to Madler and said, “I’m going to make sure she doesn’t die.”
The standoff between Michelle, the boy and the little sister would prove to be just as brevity laced as Catya’s bout with Carlotta. The boy went in for a kick but Michelle grabbed his leg and flung him toward an abandoned cowboy era water pump. The boy’s head hit the pump, but miraculously he hadn’t died from that. The little sister threw a punch but Michelle was able to fling her to the same water pump. She motioned toward them and they began to run. The chase would lead them to a train station to the West of La Candida. The boy and the little sister thought they had escaped death. Tragically, they had only escaped death from Michelle. A misstep by both of them plopped them on the tracks. By the time they came to, a runaway train
would be the last thing they see. Only the slight screaming emitted from them both would be the last sounds of them Michelle would hear.
The crew had tracked her down and by her stance and hearing the train they knew the pursuit was over. “In case you’re wondering I didn’t push them into the tracks. They got clumsy at the worst possible time.” she said. Looking at them shaken but not deterred, she wondered where Dolly was. “Where the hell is she?” Madler said, “Last she told me was making sure the youngest one wasn’t going to die.” McRay then spotted both Dolly and the youngest one. “There she is! And she’s holding the youngest one.”
Dolly explained why she had suddenly become so maternal. “I had gotten this weird feeling that she would be back even after her brother and sister would die. If we were to have killed them and left we would’ve been forced to deal with some ‘lost puppy’ bullshit.” “So we have an oracle baby then?” Charlie asked. “No. We just have the daughter of the parents we killed in our care now.” she replied. “So it’s payback and/or bad karma?” Catya queried. “No. We haven’t done anything that heinous. If that was the case we’d have all three kids.” she replied.
“Does she have a name?” David asked. The youngest looked at the crew and said, “My name is Goldie. Like the story she’s known for.” “That’s a pretty name.” David said. “What do you see when you look at us?” “I see four bears instead of three.” Goldie replied. Blyvy snickered, but Madler hit her in the head. “No perverted interpolation of jokes in front of the little one.” “Oh she won’t know the difference.” Blyvy asserted.
“Why do you want to be part of our lives, Goldie?” McRay asked. “Well, when mommy and daddy were being ‘heavenported’, I knew it was ‘cause they weren’t being nice.” she began. “That and my brother and sister were being just like them and I knew that was not good.”
“Well at least she knows being anything like the parents is a bad thing. She’s a very perceptive child.” Blyvy snided. She was again hit in the head; this time by Charlie. “Shut your fucking mouth, Blyvy.” “Now I just want to get away from it all.” Goldie said. The crew grew alarmed at that statement. “Goldie, do you know why grownups say that?” McRay asked. “It’s something my daddy said a lot. I just like it is all.” she replied.
They all agreed that Goldie was no longer safe in La Candida. After tracking down her house they told her to grab her blanket, favorite teddy bear and all her clothes. Sadly this was all too easy. All Goldie had was her blanket, one brown teddy bear with black nose and four pairs of shirts, shoes and socks. “We weren’t very rich, but at least it was better than having none of this.” she meekly said. “I fell like such a bitch now.” Michelle tearfully said. “You were only defending Catya and Blyvy.” David said. “Those children shouldn’t have made their presence that unknown.”
The crew eventually left La Candida behind. The road to Balboa Perla was proving to be a bitch for everyone. A call came in from the other end. The call had given them more allotted time that they felt they did not deserve. “Thank you for telling us. We’ll be there as soon as we can.” Michelle said. “So how much extra have we been given this time?” McRay asked. “You know it’s too much as always. We’ve been given another day even though we’re about 50 minutes from the city.” Michelle replied. “Well we better get to it quickly.” Madler began. “We have company.”
The roadside was full of random hitchhikers with weapons. Catya took one look at them and said, “Oh just fucking hit them. If their weapons fly off, grab them.” Madler complied and surely enough, the hitchhikers’ weapons flew out of their hands. “Wow. Look at all the Uzi’s and half assed swords the average hitchhiker carries.” Blyvy noted.
“Drive faster, Madler. The sounds of them fleeing bore me.” Catya said. “Just a little faster and we’ll give the dune buggy a coat of vampiric scarlet.” David added. “Keep at it Madler. I see people with daggers and teriyaki buffalo jerky ahead.” Blyvy chimed. Eventually, Madler had hit every random hitchhiker and discovered that, “Too many sons of bitches carry around money and resources they should keep at home.”
Finally, after a tumultuous fifty minute adventure, they had seen this sign:
“You are now entering: Balboa Perla”
“Oh thank God.” Michelle said. “Let’s find a hotel and rest up for the night.”
Sadly, no hotel was in these outskirts. However, they did find a house that somehow resonated with Goldie more than they realized. “I know this place.” she said. “How do you know this place?” Dolly asked. Goldie explained that this was her late grandma’s house. “My family and I came here any holiday we celebrated. Even the pointless ones like Arbor Day; Hazelnut Macchiato Day; Valentine’s Day. Crap like that, but it was nice.”
“So is the house safe?” Blyvy queried. “It should be.” Goldie began. “I haven’t been here since grandma went to heaven.” They found the house still had its key under a rock. The door was then unlocked and Goldie led everyone inside. She made sure nothing had been changed since her grandma’s passing. The memories started to have some effect on her. “This is the hallway I saw my mommy and daddy fight in.” she whispered. “Oh no.” Dolly thought. “She could be traumatized further through this.” She decided to escort Goldie through the rest of the house. Blyvy decided to help her out as well. “You adopted me knowing I was fucked up from birth. I kind of owe you for this one.” Dolly asked, “Goldie? You know we can help you through this, right?” “I know.” she began. “I’m just scared because I’m worried. Does that make any sense?” “Of course it does.” Dolly replied. Goldie eventually declared the house safe for
habitation. “Set up in any of the rooms with a bed.” she said. Madler and David rushed to one of the master bedrooms. McRay and Charlie would rush to the other master bedroom. “Leave it to those horn dogs to run for a bedroom that exists.” Blyvy snided. “What are horn dogs?” Goldie asked. “When you’re older, they will be very easy to spot.” Blyvy replied.
Everybody had settled in for the night knowing everything of them would be tested. Madler and David looked into each other’s eyes like any other night. “I sometimes wonder if we’re going to live past the shit we get into.” Madler said. David replied, “We love each other too much to let each other perish foolishly.” Madler retorted, “That’s exactly it; we get ourselves into all of this shit and we’ve been lucky this whole time.” “Honey, we’re going to be stigmatized for being the spawn of the people responsible for the Derby and Friedan Massacres.” David replied. “Besides, we’ll die in each other’s arms.” Madler concurred with him and proposed a round of coitus. “Ok, but nothing too freaky. We’re in the late grandma’s house of a kid whose parents we murdered.” David said. “Mmmm; you know how to set the mood, Mr. Vandross.” Madler replied.
McRay and Charlie looked into each other’s eyes and apart from the sweet nothings, wondered about their respective spawn. “My David has turned out to be a bit of livewire hasn’t he?” McRay supposed. “He’s just like you, only not afraid to show off his active brain cells.” Charlie retorted. “Oh and there’s that razor sharp tongue Madler inherited.” McRay replied. Charlie asserted, “David’s a goddamn smartass too and you know it, sugarcane.” “True, but I can’t help but think they’ll end up exactly like us.” McRay said. “If they do, that means they’re the only good things we’ve done for this fucked up world.” Charlie replied. The two would commence in the same activities their spawn were doing. “Oh God...” Catya began. “I smell honey, ketchup, linen and just a hint of man musk.”
Goldie was able to sleep, but her dreams had her being visited by the apparitions of her family. Blondie appeared before his daughter and told her, “Mija...es tu papa. Te amo mucho; eres la manzana de mi ojo. No soy en mi forma corporeal pero estoy contigo todo tu vida.” Carlotta then appeared and told her, “Mija...como tu padre soy contigo todo tu vida tambien. Tu hermanos son contigo tambien.” Blondie then said, “You might be scared as fuck right now, but believe us, God will make sure you’re ok. Even if for the moment you’re harbored with those crazy putos.” She didn’t know what to do with those sweet nothings she was told.
However, she knew enough to confirm that they were right. Dolly said to her, “You doing ok Goldie? I heard you fidgeting and like you were going to cry.” “I’m ok.” She began. “Does seeing your family after they die in your dreams count as seeing ghosts?” “No it doesn’t. Ghosts are only dead strangers that can’t read the address of the house they’re in.” Dolly replied. Goldie looked at her teddy bear and wondered, “Stuffy, why do you think crazy people are being nice to us all of a sudden?” Her innocence looking at the teddy bear was enough to get Catya emotional. “Sweet black Jesus; I’m in another section of the house and I felt that shit.” Blyvy turned to her and said, “Mom, you’re scaring me.” “Why the hell is that?” Catya queried. “You used the words ‘I felt that’ in an English sentence.” Blyvy replied. “Let’s get some goddamn sleep.” she retorted.
The night eventually passed with everything going off without a cause for alarm. The couples awoke to find each other as alive as when they first met. Michelle and Goldie woke up feeling better than they had yesterday. Catya and Blyvy awoke with no reason to be pissed off other than the fact that it was the morning. Dolly, on the other hand had been hard at work crafting more “Burt Wonderstones” for the Grammy conquest at hand. “So; ready to call me the executive producer of ‘Burt Wonderstone’? You know...bomb maker extraordinaire?” “Holy shit Dolly.” Charlie began. “I thought these were ‘Battlefield Earths’ you were making.”
“I’m not a monster, you fucking troglodyte.” Dolly said. “Besides, I added some flop inspired landmines to the ‘Burt Wonderstones’; check out the ‘Loverboys’ over to your right.” “Wow, I would not want to be the A&R or some other asshole that have to deal with that.” Blyvy noted.
“These are pretty, but I think there’s something in grandma’s basement that can help you guys out.” Goldie said. She led them to the basement and pointed to a trunk that hadn’t been opened in years. “I never knew what was inside that. Now we’ll all know.” Charlie cracked the trunk open and discovered a trove full of herbal remedies and exotic weaponry. “Holy hell, your family must’ve been stock piling for an apocalypse of some sort.” “Not the Mayan one. That was just stupid.” Goldie replied.
After collecting what they needed, they set out in the dune buggy to the center of Balboa Perla to finish off an enemy known as the Nomi Malone Event Planning Firm.
### End of Act I###