McRay sweetly said, “For being able to fit in with us pseudo mercenaries, this is one of the sweetest things I’ve seen.” “Other than Sugar’s cane?” she fired back. “Just get in the dune buggy.” He replied.
The crew spent another three hours before heading to a safe distance away from the vigil grounds. “Remember this now everyone.” McRay said. “We’re about to deal with rabid beasts with no sense of shame. Kardashian fans are known for being around Khloe’s size and possess orc like ferocity.” “They can’t be that much of a threat. They don’t understand anything mental let alone battle tactics.” Catya retorted. Dolly replied, “Stupid things like them can kill things just as much as anybody like us. We already know we’re much more advanced than those motherfuckers. We still need to exercise caution.” Catya nonverbally agreed even though she thought the hordes were so dense and lifeless, they needed watering twice a week.
After the briefing was discussed, the quintet hopped in the dune buggy and began to near their targets. As they encroached the crowd’s proximity a wild, rabid Kardashian fan leapt out and nearly attacked the group. Luckily, Luke smacked the fan with a Weight Watchers meal knowing it would deflect off the fan flawlessly. “How many points was that bitch?!” The crowd let out collective beastly roars of disdain. “Oh God! How do those qualify as speech patterns?” Dolly said. McRay said to the crowd, “Ready to die because you give a shit about a Kardashian fragrance?” “I’ve always wanted to see Kardashian devotee blood on the streets!” Catya chimed.
The crowd grew restless and the quintet attacked from that point on. Every fan had attempted to take one of the crew’s life...Dolly had become their main target. “Why are they after her?!” Luke asked. “Kardashian fans hate subtlety. Dolly better be able to handle herself.” McRay said.
Dolly sadistically introduced herself to the venomous beasts. “Want to play? My name’s Dolly...but today I want to be called Setsuka. Normally it means ‘snow flower’ but today it means I collect your fucking head!” She began her onslaught soon after the introduction. Despite the differences in stature, Dolly took out mass amounts of the Kardashian hordes. Her movements were able to fuse grace and brutality with every devotee that fell to their deaths.
However, Dolly’s raw strength was diminishing to where she had to stop in order to catch her breath. “I better not be getting weakened against them.” She thought. She looked up to see the rest of the crew fending off and killing other devotees of the Kardashians. Catya was tearing them limb from limb with a macabre ease. McRay was bashing in skulls and crushing windpipes with intensity. Luke and Charlie led on hordes for the same game of chase that led hordes to their death only a mass traffic accident can be responsible for. Dolly regained her strength in full, but noticed that the field would turn to a diminutive yet daunting task. “Guys...” she started. “...I think we’re going to have some more playmates.”
A limousine in a gaudy, maudlin custom pink pulled up to the grounds. “It can’t possibly be...them.” McRay uttered. The limousine door opened and three lurid examples of the human sex drive stepped out. Luke and Charlie were shocked at them showing up (for about three seconds). “I know it’s a ‘vigil’ for the fat one’s...unisex musk but did they need to crash the event?!” Luke said. “We need to make sure everyone...especially McRay is ok.” Charlie replied. They went to where the rest of the group was, but noticed Catya was growing uneasy. “So, the human condoms of Calabasas have come to play with us pseudo mercenaries? I can take them all by myself.” She said. “Don’t get ahead of yourself kiddo.” McRay began.
“Especially with the fat one. She fights dirtier than sensationalized politicians in campaign season.” Then, the one with the large ass came forward to state their business.
“Since I’m the only one who’s ahead of the reading group here…I’ll be the one trying to convince you to abandon your stupid cause.” The one with the spawn followed suit saying, “We don’t know what you’re problem is with us. We were here to commemorate the short life span of Khloe’s fragrance.” A noise had been randomly emitted which had Dolly saying, “Now there’s wolves or...some big monster around.” The one with the large ass said, “No. Khloe is just as pissed as we all are.” “Let’s just get this over with.” Catya said. “The sooner we all kill you, the sooner we can all end this.” She took the first swing at the one with the spawn. The ensuing bedlam would go on for three and a half hours.
Forty minutes into the fight, Catya lacerated the left glute of the one with the large ass. “I forgot what that felt like.” She said. Catya retorted, “You sick whore! I’ll cut your heart...or some other innards out!” At the one hour and twenty five minute mark, the one with the spawn had been amputated. Luke and Charlie had subdued her then proceeded to chop her left foot off. Finally at exactly the three hour and thirty minute mark, Dolly and McRay each delivered the final blows to each one of the three she-hell creatures.
“We might be stupid, but even we know defeat.” The one with the large ass began. “Now in code with traditional Norse customs...ugh...we have to commit Sudoku to honor the great founder of that code, Chaka Zulu...wait; Chaka Khan.” Each of them was in tears as they began to disembowel themselves. “Unless you want me to finish you off, get on with it already!” Catya roared. The three finished themselves and the crew was relieved that their fight with them turned victorious. They headed to their base to rest up before they would sense an upcoming mission.
All of them examined every square inch to ensure no trap had been set to kill them in retribution. No traps had been set even after slaying Kardashian fans and the three hell creatures in which were responsible for the now deceased hordes. “Let’s just get rest.” Dolly said. “Oh and if you three have sex tonight...make sure it’s with protection and try to keep it down.” “We’ll keep the ‘noise’ down if you promise us one thing.” Luke quipped. Dolly asked, “What is that ‘thing’ or ‘condition’?” He replied, “Don’t play ‘Domino’ by Jessie J in retaliation. If you want to fight noise pollution, your approach is misguided.”
The crew went another night without a hitch...although for McRay, Charlie and Luke the night grew personal. “I don’t understand why I’m bored now.” McRay began.
“I have frequent sex and a thirst for action like every man dreams of. Why do I grow bored of it now?” Charlie was initially skeptical but said, “Well...it could be you might think it all has grown to a state of predictability.” Luke added, “That and you’re hankering to top either of us for a change.” “Besides that, you two are hot and right. The rarest find ever imagined by man.” McRay said.
After adding another night of “Three’s Company” to them, they along with the rest of the crew noticed an impending mission. The phone read, “Amber Rose to host memorial in honor of LMFAO and Nicki Minaj fans alongside the fans of and the actual Kardashians.” Catya expressed concern for the mission at hand. “Does Amber Rose qualify as a big enough celebrity for us to kill ‘fans’ of hers?” Dolly then noted, “Amber was just switched out for Audrina Patridge.” Catya responded, “Oh we can proceed as planned.” McRay started up the dune buggy for the venue site. Luke asked, “Should I be on the lookout for any rabid fanboy in the area?” McRay expressed his command rather non-chalante like. “If it is a fanboy; kill it. If it isn’t; knock ‘em on their ass anyway.”
Before the halfway point, Sydell appeared in front of the crew. Her appearance initially had the crew thinking she had gone turncoat. “Sydell...be honest with us.” Charlie began. “Are you part of an ambush effort against us?”
“No.” she said. “My fucking co-workers insisted that I dress in...this getup for some bullshit FaceBook thing.” “Those bastards!” Dolly shouted. “You don’t have to tell me twice sister.” She replied. “The reason I’m here is that I have something to give to one of you.” She pulled out a Desert Eagle and hollow point bullet pack. Dolly lit up with the question, “Who’s that for?” Sydell replied, “It’s for you, Dolly. There’s even something on the side to make it special.” Dolly looked at the side to see the phrase “Black Cat” engraved on the side in gold letters. “I will make you so happy you gave a 15 year old runaway a gun.” She joyfully said. Sydell then ended the meeting by wishing them well. “Hurry on you damn crazy martyrs you.”
Another fifty minutes elapsed before the crew reached the memorial venue. The sight of the crowd size sickened all of them, but none more so than Catya. “Some skinny white twat can have this many people at her fucking beck and call?! That tears it...I’m going in!” She leapt from the dune buggy and headed for the crowd’s center. “That goddamn nutcase is begging for death!” Luke said. Switching up their mode of initiation, the crew stampeded through the crowd in the dune buggy while all saying (in a cheeky manner), “Talk about being over ‘The Hills’! Bad puns make everything seem like it isn’t supposed to suck that much!” By the time they caught up with Catya, they knew she was in front of them physically.
However, she had been in such a rage, she morphed into her alter-ego, “Blyvy”. “Blyvy” was a woman who acted on the impulses not even Catya would in public. “I always feared ‘she’ would make reappearance.” McRay said. “It gives me a rush to fuck people up, but the bitch scares me.” Blyvy recklessly severed heads to and fro all in the hope of vanquishing Audrina Patridge. “Ready to go in everybody?” Charlie asked. “All right then...now go ape-shit!” The crew each had their share of easy wins, but found that this group of fans had some resistance level to most of their attacks. Dolly, on the other hand took the high ground approach.
As a hunter could do from an apex above a feeder, Dolly waited for those dumb enough to pursue her to render them deceased. Any who gained “supernatural” ability to jump close to her, were smacked in the temple to ensure death on impact. Suddenly, her peripheral vision saw Audrina approaching the center of the stage. “What the hell is she doing?” Dolly wondered. When she saw a suspiciously off-white daisy in her hands, Dolly wasted no time in recruiting the rest of the crew who hadn’t been “morphed.” She, McRay, Charlie and Luke headed to where Audrina was standing. “All we want is you in the ground you second rate ‘celebutante’ trollop!” Luke said. Audrina replied, “All I have is a white daisy to commemorate the lives that presumably you took.”
Charlie kicked the daisy from her hands to find that it was part of a Wushu three-whip sword. “Wow.” McRay began. “Something cheaper than the extensions in your hair. How quaint.” She clenched her weapon in preparation to strike. She swung the whip only to have it blocked by Blyvy. “Drop that two-bit excuse for a weapon if you want your death quick. Otherwise, you’ll die a painful and agonizingly tepid death.” She threatened. “Come at me bitch!” Audrina replied. That would be the last and most distinct mistake she would ever make.
Blyvy swung the blade lacerating her torso, but it didn’t end there. She then swung the blade and chopped Audrina’s arm off. Audrina was screaming in pain, but Blyvy was saving her most vicious move for last. She then unleashed the “Croatian Buzzsaw” to permanently vanquish Audrina from the Earth for good. Blyvy jimmy-rigged a flat “work station” to turn the blade into a “mock” buzzsaw. After spinning the blade fast enough to get the motion right, she picked up Audrina by her feet, swung her then slammed her on the blade jamming it furiously. Audrina screamed in intense pain to let death consume her peacefully after that. “This ‘Blyvy’ person won’t take her seriously will she?” Dolly asked. “She’ll laugh at her then ignore her.” McRay said. Blyvy didn’t laugh first much to everyone’s surprise, but said, “I’m not some mindless person that performs for your whim.”
Audrina replied, “I’m not asking you to be Lauren, LC, Whitney...” Blyvy interjected, “Slutty, Dopey, Doc and the one who sits on all the faces of the men. The quicker you die, the quicker I can wipe the blood from my blade. Now just die already so it could be said you did something for a change.” She spun the blade one last time to recalibrate the momentum.
She then picked up Audrina, slammed her on the ground to add insult before slamming her on the blade. Her death cry was said to have shattered the sound barrier. That’s what Luke deciphered after reading many tweets declaring that, “The great barrier reef was broken by some power bottom or murder victim. #keepitdown #lulz;wtf.” In mere seconds, Blyvy had collapsed struggling and contorting her body into awry angles and caddywhompus planes. “Oh no!” Dolly shouted. “Catya must be dying!” McRay reassured her, “The turning back phase is always a bit more intense than the turning into phase.” Dolly sarcastically replied, “Gee whiz! You were able to find the wizard key! Anything else you care to share ‘enlightened one’?” Catya was reborn through her re-baptism of fire.
“Whoa.” She began. “Did I just perform the ‘Croatian Buzzsaw’ on Audrina Patridge?” “Yeah...well ‘Blyvy’ did.” Luke said. “Well...” Catya said. “Well what?” Charlie queried. “Where’s my motherfucking Nobel Peace prize?!” she finished.
“Glad you’re back to...well...glad you still exist you crazy bitch.” McRay said.
The crew headed back to the base where Dolly sensed that someone was waiting for them. “It isn’t malicious but it’s just as freaky.” She said. They headed inside and examined their surroundings before noticing something was off. Dolly saw the visage of Mama Joseph was showing their hero in a lucid resting expression. “Guys...you don’t suppose her spirit is among us now, right?” “The exact opposite, kiddo.” McRay replied. Catya then sensed that a foreign energy was being emitted from the part of the bookstore that housed the humor/joke/non-fiction area. “Just follow the energy and don’t lose your cool.”
The trail of energy eventually led to them seeing a familiar face. “You knew this moment would come.” She said.
“Is that...Mama Joseph?” Dolly asked. She looked at Dolly and smiled. “Do you know where Carlyle ended up, Mama?” McRay asked. She replied, “Carlyle is actually undergoing reincarnation.” “How come?” Charlie queried. “Did she repent before Buddha or something?” “No. She’s being reincarnated because her death wasn’t natural. Also worth mentioning is that she hadn’t achieved what would be considered her prime.” Mama Joseph said. Catya wondered then asked, “What would a person who did horrible things like her be reincarnated as?”
“Well, Carlyle just had a horrid outlet for her emotional turmoil. The rest of you do as well, so my suggestion is to stop sipping that ‘haterade’ you foul little harlot.” Mama Joseph replied. “Haterade?” Luke stated. “We barely met but I’m starting to question your handle of the English language.”
Mama Joseph put forth a legendary putdown Luke would not forget.
“It’s oh so amusing yet ignorant of you to question the handle of the English language to a bookstore owner. Without my name on the sign, you would be nothing but mere carbon-based life who would beg for death from a sleazy suitor after a go-about of coitus. Are you done questioning my authority you worthless, loathsome, marginally attractive cur?”
“Luke’s at a standstill...so I think you shattered any chance of hearing even a vague retorting.” Dolly said. “Sadly, it’s always the ones like him that turn rather...subdued after hearing the truth. How would you phrase it outside of the bookstore?” Mama Joseph said. “He’s too much of a fucking wimp to handle the truth.” Dolly replied. Mama Joseph closed her visitation to everyone by saying, “You are all noble despite your insatiable bloodlust. If you thought you had something to prove to me, you never did. Trends eventually die their deserved deaths. Yet it must be at the hands of the incubi and succubae alike. When they tire of feeding, the trend will die. I love you boys and girls. Oh and McRay...if you ever decide between the two, New York and Washington State just legalized gay marriage.” She then dissipated to her place in the afterlife. The portrait reflected her closure when the stern expression reappeared as it was painted.
The next morning, the quintet met to decide what their final score should be. McRay looked through the news the LMFAO horde phone had to see if anything could pique their bloodlust one last time. “Our final score has to be something worth killing off worthless people...yet having those on our side to prevent us from getting killed.” He said. “Oh look.” Dolly began. “The cast of ‘Glee’ and a lucky twenty extras to perform at The Derby. The confirmed date is February 14th.” “I was hoping more would come along as extra for...what’s it called? Dramatic effect.” McRay said. Catya was already in the dune buggy urging everybody to ready themselves for battle. “Come on already! You know I hate two things just as much as homophobia and nuclear programs in dictatorships. Valentine’s Day and fucking ‘Gleeks’...oh those ‘Gleeks’ piss me off. Every time they breathe, the noise is grating.” Charlie smacked her across the face. “Damn bitch! Chill out! Finish them off when we get to The Derby.” Forty-six minutes later, the quintet arrived at a rather large scale gathering. Visually, nothing added up which left Catya the most perplexed.
“They’re stopping this...with poster boards? Dolly, go see what their M.O. is...I only suggest you because you’re the youngest.” “Fair enough.” Dolly said. She went into the crowd before finding someone she deemed “smart enough” to converse with. “You with the dopey fashion sense!” she said.
A frail looking teenager gave back eye contact. “What’s up, pipsqueak?” “What’s going on here?” she asked. “It looks like some ‘#OccupyDerby’ crap.” He replied, “We’re not like that. This ‘Glee’ crap is going on when something of value should be going on.” Skeptical at first she asked, “What would that be?” “A play that slanders Shakespeare.” He replied. “That’s called ‘Romeo and Juliet’ dipshit.” She replied. “Well even that would be better than this ‘Glee’ horse-shit.” He said. “We need a way to get rid of these wastes of human condoms!” “Do you know how to use a gun?” Dolly propositioned. She escorted him to the rest of the crew as she explained the crowd’s M.O. “Good enough for us!” Charlie said. “Grab those pissed off enough to join us.”
He convinced the crowd to band together to take down the production. “Alright, listen up.” McRay began. “When I say ‘go’, you’ll follow Catya in the charge. Catya is the bat-shit woman with the rainbow ring blade.” “That’s ‘Bat-shit insane woman with the rainbow ring blade’!” She interjected. “It’s like ‘A Pimp Named Slickback’. You say the entire fucking title!” “Isn’t she as classy as warfare folks?” McRay snided.
Moments turned to minutes...this annoyingly grew to even more minutes which made everyone anxious. “That should be the entire cast about to start the show.” Charlie said. “All we need are the two ugly ones in love; ‘Kurt’ and ‘Blaine’ is it?” “Those two are at the center of the stage now.” Dolly said. “Everybody ready?” Luke asked. “Do we think Gerry Sandusky will burn in hellfire?” the crowd roared. Luke turned to Catya, who was foaming at the mouth.
“How fast do you want the countdown?” he asked. “Just tell him to give me the go-ahead.” Catya said. “Turn that remark into a sex joke and I’ll have you turned into a compost heap.” He alerted McRay of Catya’s condition. He responded, “Alright everyone! Ready, set...go finish off the fans and cast of ‘Glee’!” His command would leave the entrance of The Derby worse than dilapidated.
Those unfortunate enough to be near the concession counter met savage ends to their lives. When the mob had broken through the doors, the brutality only intensified. Some “Gleeks” were inane enough to attempt combat. Catya made sure their heads were smashed into pulpy remnants of human matter. “Oh...so ‘Gleek’ blood is as tacky and gold-leafed as I feared.” Catya said with an unusual feeling of disgust. Members of the mob had successfully done two things. One, they had confined the cast to the stage.
Two, they had spared Jane Lynch and Amber Riley after convincing them not to testify against the crew should they be arrested. Then, Dolly sadistically toyed with each cast member in the line of fire.
The most offensive one was the first to learn just how he would die. “So ‘Kurt’...” she began. “Do you know what kerosene is?” He fell into the trap when he attempted to speak. Four pints of kerosene were then force fed to him through a funnel. To add further agony, she force fed him ipecac through that same funnel. His enflamed vomit covered more than enough of the stage to mark his death. “That ladies and gents was the ‘Guantanamo Mouthwash’.” The lippy blond and the blonde cheerleader were brought forward to meet their end. Charlie brought a helium tank forward, and then proceeded to place a tube in each of their mouths. “It’s the only death befitting airheads.” He said. It only took twenty-four seconds; but the lippy blond and blonde cheerleader had met death when the helium became too much causing their eyes to pop from their heads.
When the females who played lesbians were brought forward, the one named for the guitarist asked, “We’re not dying for playing lesbians are we?” Catya responded, “No. You’re dying for something actually considered bad; starring in a goddamn musical.” The two were then impaled through the abdomen by Charlie’s halberd.
“The death will end up slow. Complaining won’t be needed from you two.” The plus-sized actress was brought for her death. “Let’s just drain her blood liter by liter.” Dolly said. “Considering how your co-stars have died, can you leave a smile on your face?” Charlie asked. The plus-sized actress replied, “You don’t have to ask me twice.” As her blood drained, the crew noticed the Asian-American cast members had died by their own hands. “Oh come on!” Luke said. “We were just going to set them on fire, and they stereotypically die.” “Kurt’s” other half was the only one remaining. Catya wondered, “What happened to the one with the fucked up hair?” McRay had the answer when he dragged the body of the now bald and deceased “What hockey players hit”. “All I did was shave that landing strip...and the son of a bitch ran and jumped from the rafter thing; prick.” The other half tried to convince the crew to end things now. As he was speaking, Dolly knew he was only making idle promises to save his ass.
“Please spare me. I promise to leave the industry forever if you let me live.” Dolly proclaimed then and there, “Bitch please! You wouldn’t give up what people with and without talent want more than anything.” He attempted to toy with them with the line, “Come on. What could you do to a face like mine?” McRay answered, “Curb stomp it until your face gets...well uglier than it is...only with blood.”
Charlie followed with, “Twist your head around so I couldn’t see that ugly mug of yours anymore.” A mob member shouted, “Yeah! You’re so ugly, your face should be donated to the U.S. Bureau of Wildlife.” “You have a face for Photoshop!” another shouted. “Every time I see your face, I’m tempted to look up Best in Show for the Westminster Dog Show on Wikipedia!” yet another shouted. “You resemble what a podiatrist treats!” a fourth shouted. The other half went silent before saying meekly, “Could you let my fans know I couldn’t have been here this long without them?” Catya reminded him in a rather brash manner, “Yoo-hoo? Remember what happened before you and the rest of them were cornered? Your ignorance happens to both baffle and disgust me; congratulations!” He meekly spoke again, “So how do you want to finish me off?”
Catya thought for only a picosecond before saying with sick jubilation, “Oh just a move I call the ‘Japanese Club Soda’.” “What the fuck is the ‘Japanese Club Soda’?” the other half queried. “Oh you dolt! You just went down in the annals of history for the dumbest last words spoken!” Catya replied. She pointed to a mob member and asked, “May I borrow your kanabo for this?” After cooperating, Catya wielded and swung the kanabo at the other half. Surprisingly, he was only stunned despite the amount of blood dripping from his head. She swung again and he fell to the ground bloodied, but alive.
“You’re still breathing?!” She furiously questioned. “Can that racket and die already!” She then had one of her cruelest moments in some time. The crew knew what was coming alerting the mob, “You’ll know the ‘soda’ part of this move to your graves!” Catya then pulled from a “Gleek” corpse a bottle of club soda. Then she asked a mob member if any salt was seized in the early raid for makeshift weaponry. A large salt can was then delivered to her. She mixed the salt and club soda before saying, “Tell me if this tastes good!” The screams as the mix entered his wounds echoed through The Derby. His reverberations had even some of the mob members disgusted. “Yikes!” one began. “I thought the only way to make someone scream this much was for them to read Snooki’s autobiography as a birthday present.” Another said, ‘I play video games by Rockstar and watch horror movies week to week. I never thought I would be grossed out by salt and club soda being poured into someone’s wounds.”
Even McRay voiced concern; “Catya...please tell me the next move will finish him off. We have some mob members vomiting.” Dolly chimed in, “Yeah...you might want to speed things up a bit.” Charlie went in further, “I’m holding Luke because even he won’t look until that fucker ends up mulch.” Catya toyed with everyone for another hour. Every ten minutes, she held a magnifying glass saying, “Not enough tears are running down his face.”
She also asked for onions to, “Make him cry enough before ‘nap time’...” “Are you sure this isn’t ‘Blyvy’ taking over?” McRay asked Catya. “Blyvy would’ve killed him in the onslaught. She isn’t playing right now.” She replied. Finally at the sixty minute mark, she picked up the kanabo. “She’s finishing him off everybody!” McRay said. They watched as Catya swung from the rafters; then used the momentum to land the strike on the other half in the spine.
The crunch reverberated more disturbingly clear than his screams before the strike. “Here’s your kanabo back!” she said to the cooperative mob member. “You go ahead and keep it...there’s still some smoke from it.” The mob member replied.
The army walked from The Derby which now resembled ruins of an ancient civilization. The crew turned to face their “minions” for the day; in a show of thanks, they threw leftover money from the LMFAO massacre. McRay said, “Remember what we did today and end the trend.”
###End of Act I###