Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Voice U.S. S4 Recap: Battle Rounds Part 3

The 3rd set of battles to me and critics alike were Punic War level ugly. Thus, making another round of fabulous TV. *friendly reminder; all hate and/or fan tweets can be directed to @MrSwearword. I will read, laugh and move the fuck on* Play rough and get it on!

The first battle pitted Team Usher's VEDO against Amber Riley Jessica Childress. Admittedly, I wanted Jessica to win (Yes; I'm such a monster for wanting singing to happen on The Voice instead of a fucking Oprah moment -_-) They're given "Locked Out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars. Both singers were evenly matched and Usher was waiting for who could prove themselves (Am I being a bit to idyllic here? You'll see in a bit). Battle time comes and both have some entertainment value; though VEDO might've cheated using the "Madamoiselle/Mon Cherie" hand trick on Jessica [who's actually spoken for; husband and everything]. Still, Usher picks VEDO -_- and sadly, no one steals Jessica. Maybe if Shakira had a steal left (Or if Adam wasn't stupid in having usurping other steals in Part 1 of the Battles) Jessica could've been saved. Of course we could speculate 'til we're Belew...err blue in the face.

Round 2 pitted Team Shakira's Monique "Sabado Gigante" Abbadie against Luke "Gringo Gigante" Edgemon. They were given "You and I" by Lady Gaga and I had flashbacks to S2 when Sarah Golden auditioned and made it; this song has always been tricky to pull off. Yet in the rehearsals, I sensed a Monique victory. Luke wasn't doing much by then yet. Battle time came and aside from Monique's fabulous dress, my instinct proved to be coming to fruition (Sorry Lyndsey Parker of Reality Rocks). Luke then tried an Adam Lambert banshee money note to try and ruin Monique's chances. Eventually, Shakira declares Monique the winner and it looks like Luke is being sent home. Then 2 coaches opt to steal him O_O Usher and Blake had "ear-gasms" over Luke's counterfeit money note and Luke sets himself up for destruction by picking Blake. He's a bit too Country and Luke became a little more tiger fucked.

Round 3 pitted Team Blake's Savannah Berry against Jacqui Sandell. As much as I wanted Jacqui to win because of the underdog thing, I knew she was screwed (Apparently, the only underdog Blake has respect for was Fido under his porch after his passing; *shaaaaaaaaaaaaaade*) They were given "Little White Church" by Little Big Town and as soon as Jacqui was told to country it up more with her rock, it confirmed my worst fears of a Savannah victory (Need I remind you this is MrSwearword V.S. Everyone). Battle time comes and I still rooted for the underdog, but Blake ends up putting Jacqui's Voice dreams down like Old Yeller. Savannah wins and no one steals Jacqui : (

Round 4 pitted Team Shakira's Kris "Girl voice/Guy body" Thomas against montage victim C. Perkins. They're given "It Will Rain" by Bruno Mars. C. is told to improve on his falsetto as to prevent him from ending up "Fender Ketchup" against Kris who is told not to be so neurotic. Next rehearsal, C.'s voice has improved enough for further consideration. Come battle time, C. held his own, but Kris would go on to take the victory. Usher then uses his first steal at seemingly the last minute and saves C. Perkins. Round 5 pitted Team Adam's Midas Whale against WGWD Patrick Dodd. They were given "Burning Love" and let's just say the WGWD was DOA (Dead on arrival...not the titty-filled fighting franchise). Midas Whale proceeded to tiger fuck him into a barbershop, and Patrick was not stolen.

Finally, it was Team Usher's Nicholas David -2.0...err Ryan Innes against Orlando Dixon. They were given "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers. Ryan apparently has soul and Orlando has the deck against him unfairly.  The battle comes and I was rooting for Orlando...and then the coaches were "enamored" with Ryan -_- Usher chose Ryan [BOOOOOOOOOOOOO] and Adam ended up stealing Orlando. So by then, Usher has one steal left and all the others used up theirs.

All in all, despite the deck being unfairly stacked, The Voice is still worth watching. Up next for scrutiny, The Battles Part 4.

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